good morning everyone.

this is the problem. my husband is in jail. I have been with this man for 15 years. we were recently married in jail, this summer will make it one year. we have 1 child together age 10.

throughout the 15years he has been abusive, has cheated and lied . i tried leaving him several times through out that time. but we always managed to get back together. i dont think it was for our child sake, but mainly because i was lonely and very attached to this man, i now realize that i never loved him-FINE TIME FOR ME TO REALIZE THIS-

now heres the kicker


recently i found out that the man who i wanted to take my virginity from me is also in prison. this man was also the person who introduced me to my husband. i will call this person (X). (X) and i never had a relationship , other than close friends, he was somebody that i went to tell my problems. he new that i had a "thing" for him. we even kissed once- his hand was the first hand that ever touched my vagina. i was too afraid at that time to do anything with him, besides he was married during this time. all these years he has had a special place in my heart.

anyway,

(X) and I have been writing each other for the past 2 months. i am ready to leave my husband for this man. I am not confused about the situation, i know that i no longer want my husband. I never did to be honest.

(X) has told me that he wouldn't ask me to leave my husband its my decision to make. He is not telling me all the usual jail talk these inmates try to dish out. everything he is saying to me , he has said to me 17yrs ago. my husband on the other hand, is talking all kinds of jail talk- the usual I love you's , if you leave me I will die, i need you, blah blah blah blah these are
things that i have heard from him before he went to prison, but what about the cheating and the lying. i refuse to be used and abused by this man again! I told him that i will never fall for the jail talk and that i no longer want to be with him. it is time for us to part and that we were never meant to be.

at first he didn't believe me and he asked why did i marry him then, if i didn't want to be with him. my reply to him was"i wanted my last name changed"

now its that its changed its time to move on away from him, i must be with the person who i was supposed to be with.

now my question is am i wrong? leaving my husband for another jailbird. but (X) is a jailbird who has treated me the way i deserve to be treated, my husband and i on the other hand have been fighting since the first night we had sex.

my love for (X) is coming back and growing stronger everyday.

what should I do?


thanks for reading .

Good morning ann
from what i can see and hear, and of course i go from reflections from my own experience so take advice weighed against the truth in your own heart, the most loving thing for ann to do for ann is to take a deep breath and give herself a hug. the question is not necessarily going from one 'jailbird' to another, but are you ready to be responsible for an intimate real relationship? loving someone who is locked away can be convenient for a heart that needs protection. you don't have to have the day to day 'real' in-you-face personality struggles. you get the freedom to do as you wish without REALLY having to answer to someone if you do not want to. on the other hand a relationship with someone who is locked away can be hard because it involves alot of work to hold on, remain faithful, stand up for your man when everyone else tells you you are an idiot for wanting to be with someone who can't be with you or take care of you as a man should (in order to do that you have to drop the attitude of 'jailbird'), love unconditionally, reassuring creatively and consistantly, even in his times (and yours) of irrational stress because of what he (and you)is dealing with. questions: how long is your true love locked up for, will you be able to visit? does he have children by his previous marriage (i am assuming he is divorced?) who will be visiting also? if he has waited all this time for you, he will be willing to wait a little longer. it has been said that when one leaves one relationship one should allow time for the 'ghosts' to get gone before getting into another one. maybe a support group for abused women might help ann give ann that much needed hug.
good luck... we are here for you..these ladies here are fantastic for inspiration
jenifer

thanks Jenifer


(X) comes home in feb 2003 HOPEFULLY. if the board approves him. my husband comes home in 2004-

I dont believe that my husband and I really had a real relationship. it was more like a roomate thing in my opinion. there was no trust there on my part, even though he trusted me completely. i couldnt tell him anything without feeling like he was going to tell his other sons' mother(yes another child was concieved during our relationship)our business.

little things that he does like calling her to check up on his son bugs the hell out of me. he tells this female things about my child and i feel he should not inform this woman of anything that is going on with my son. toooooo long of a story.

to answer your question (X) doesnt have any children with his x wife. he has a son and a grown daughter. the daughter isn't in the country and his sons mother stoped all communication with him once he got locked up. he has been in jail for 6 years now and hasn't seen his son in all of that time.

actually no one has come to visit him, he was shocked that i found him . since we haven't seen each other in 8 years. i feel as if i was supposed to find him. when i first started writing to him , i told my husband that i was going to do so and a look of fear came over his face. i believe that he knew that this was the beginning of the end.

i am planning on going to see (x) in the summer time. i am not big on visiting anyone in prison. i only go see my husband 1x a year he has been locked up for 3years so that means including our wedding day a total of 3x i have seen him.


and i dont believe that I am the typical abused woman. (is their a such thing) because i occasionally dished out the whoopings also lol. i think thats why my husband and i couldnt get along . he said that i act too much like a man. in todays times sometimes a woman have to think like a man just to make it.


thanks again for the advise.

Hi Ann,

I think leaving an abusive relationship is necessary for your well being. You already have some history with (X) so you probably know what to expect from him. On the other hand, you should ask yourself if there's some reason you're attracted to another incarcerated individual. It’s easy to see only the good when someone is on his best behavior. I agree with Jennifer about the value of a "cooling down" period between relationships. Rebound relationships seldom work out. It won't be fair to either you or (X) if he turns out to be the "between" man. skip the guilt trip your husband is going to try to lay on you. You had a bad relationship before he went away. Chances are it will only be worse if you take him back when he's free.

Good luck with whatever decision you make. Please let us know what you decide to do and how things work out.

Love,
Donna

thanks Donna

the only thing i feel guilty about is the fact that (X) introduced me to my husband, they were once friends.

what do i do about the strong feelings that i am having for (X)? i dont think that i am rebounding, these feelings are the same feelings i have had for him from the past except they are stronger.

i spoke with my husband monday night and i told him that we must go in seperate directions. i have had enough, his voice irritates the hell out of me and i haven't a clue when i'm coming up there again. i also told him the real reason why i stayed with him this long. he became silent and told me that he stills love me. its like what i am saying to him isnt registering in his brain. i almost have to cover my mouth to prevent from telling him that i am still in love with (x). oh my husband knows that i wanted (x) to take my virginity, i told him this a while back.

there is so much to this story. but thanks for reading and offering advise .

Hi Mary Ann,

One of my favorite sayings comes from that old movie "Diary of a Mad Housewife;" "Guilt is a useless Emotion." Stop kicking yourself! If you feel you aren't rebounding, you probably aren't.

Your husband is going to have a hard time dealing with losing you, and with you, much of his support system. He'll have to accept the situation despite the pain. I think you've made your decision. Now it's time to move ahead with your life without looking back or worrying about a marriage that was already dying before your feelings for (X) heated up again. Remember Shakespeare's wise advice; "First to thine own self be true..."

Love,
Donna

THANK YOU DONNA ~~~~smileyface~~~~

I can tell you this much, you need to live your life for you not someone else. Aslo, if you are attracted to men that are in prison, you might want to look in another place for men. True, there are a lot of good men that made a mistake, but you owe it to yourself and your daughter to be happy. YOU are the only one that can do that.

the only thing i see wrong with this is mr x was trying to fool around with you while married, i would think twice. are you just lonely and would settle for this guy,if you wait for mr right you will find him.good luck.

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