Hi, we have a new year and a new place to post so it should be faster for a while. I want to take a moment to thank the webmaster because he works on this knowing full well I can only pay when I have the money and he has nobody in prison and he still cares and that is really too cool. I hope you enjoy this space as much as the old one.
Take care,
Toni

Happy New Year to all of the wives of those incarcerated. This is my first time writing, so please forgive me if I go overboard.

I am the wife of an inmate with the Michigan Department of Corrections. My husband has been incarcerated for 15 yrs. He went in when our daughter was only 3 months old, she is now 15 yrs old. My husband has been denied parole 4 times, although he is 7 yrs past his minimal out date.

I know that God will prevail and send my husband home, hopefully this year. But in the meantime, I am left to go it alone. I am thankful that there are other women who are seeking or sought out support from others in the same situation. We all must continue to pray for the best.

Ahhhh, I just realized Toni started a new link. Thank you Toni!!!! I just posted on the old one though, oooops, Sorry.
Anonymous,
Sorry to hear that your husband is getting a raw deal. I would think there would be something that could be done but I also realize that costs money. Money is tight on just one budget, I know. Yes, God will prevail. If only Gods timing was our timing huh? Remember your not 'alone' especially if you believe in God. I can't imagine waiting 15 years, you must be an awesome woman with a lot of patience. Keep the faith.

Hi All-

Happy New Year!! I hope everyone and a good holiday. I would have to say that 2003 was the worst year of my life. Man oh man-there were many lessons to be learned. But God is good and he has seen me through. I know trials test faith. I'm really ready to put the past year behind and start fresh.

Well my husbands lawyer sent in his petition for appeal early last month. Everyone tells me that it is more than a long shot. I can only prepare for the worst and pray for the best. Supposedly we should hear something oneway or the other around April. I really hope this works. Please everyone say a little pray for us.

Janine-
I am so happy things are going well for you and your husband. It sounds like the transition is going smoothly, all be it slower than you'd like. Good things come to those who wait (smile). You're husband was gone for 5yrs, right? How were you able to find a job for him? That's something I'm afraid of when my husband gets out..finding a job.
He's in the food industry (a chef) so he seems to feel that he won't have a problem. Well if this appeal doesn't go through I probably won't get the answer to that question until June 2007.

Where is everyone??

Rob,
I will pray for your appeal to go through. Ya know, my husband was let out for 4 days about 1/2 way through his sentence to go to California with me to see his dying sister. Looking back now, I don't believe it was in his best interest to have been released for good back then. Of course it was what we wanted but looking back I realize it wasn't what God wanted. He wasn't spiritually matured enough yet. Now he is. God has done wonders in our lives and I want to tell everyone. Yes, he was gone 5 years Rob. The job part must have been in God's hands too. There are only 3 positions total for the type of job he got at that location. It WAS through a past friend of ours though. Someone I had written off because our contact had dwindled over the years. By chance of a mutual friend I found out that he was trying to hold a position for my husband since the summer. I sent him my husbands resume and accomplishments he had done while in prison. He came through and what a blessing it has been. No, actually it has been a miraculous event. :-) More than we could have ever imagined for. We would have been happy with a minimum wage flipping burger job just so he could start his home visits. Don't get me wrong the job is no fortune money wise but the benefits and environment are wonderful. From what my husband tells me a lot of the guys at the 1/2 way house have found possitions through someone they know. My best advice to you and your husband would be to give it to God, he will work it out for you. That is one thing about this entire ordeal that I have come to terms with... My faith is stronger than it had ever been before.
Ok, Ok, sorry to go on and on about me. I hope everyone had a safe holiday and is looking to the future for good things to happen. We start our over night visits in 2 weeks. Were excited to say the least. He will be given 48 hour passes to the house. I will keep you all posted.
Janine

Hi, everyone. Ijust wanted to tell you guys what is going on. My friend I was packing up, the blind man who was on parole and on a monitor. Well, the phone company shut off the phone on the wrong day and the police came and arrested him. He went with them and I kept packing up the house expecting the goof to be fixed and him to come back. He didn't, they said that it was because the judges were on vacation. The fact that he had sued tdcj and was a rabble rouser wasn't an issue...not. Anyway, I went a long my way, did my stuff for the holidays and all and I got a part time job and when he called from jail I was always at work 0r something for the most part which ticked me off. Finally we talked and he wanted me to do some errands for him and he always did, I would run myself ragged sometimes and at times I would get kind of stressed over it and fuss with him over stuff, nothing major and he didn't listen to me anyway, he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it, y0u know how it goes with folks who are friends and the montitor really messes wtih people. Anyway, I was going to visit him tomorrow for the first time since his jailing, oh, but they had a court date and guess what? They were sending him back for 7 years. 7 years for an error. Anyway, he was down. The deal was, he wasn't only blind, but had diabetes, and had had surgery for his galbalder removed and he had seasures and he had turned his life around pretty much, with a B.a.degree and M. A. almost finished. He said he was going to fight for a reversal before they sent him away because they thought he would overturn it. But he always told me if he went back to prison they would kill him, the staff or the prisoners. I didn't worry because so often people say that and most of the time, not all of the time it is just paranoia. But in jail, yesterday he was found dead. I am very upset. I feel so horrible about it I don't know what to do. He was pretty much my most often seen companion and we ate our Thanksgiving together and everything. Anyway, I will get back with you guys and will start our little make over group but he was my internet connection and I am really depressed. Take care everyone.
TOni

hi toni how are you well i am dowing good me and marcus are still gowing strong i sorry i have not posted anything in so lone you no how it is between driving to the prison and working and trying to keep up with 2 kids all i can say is the kids are wining ;0 well how is your husbands health last time i talked to you he was not to good i thank you said it was his back so how are you i always pray for all of yall on this web site, well yall take care hi janine how are you now that you husband is out man i wish i new that feeling but in time WE WILL ALL NO IT, hey have yall heard from kim ? see ya!!!! misty

Hi All-

I'm asking the same question...where is everyone?
I hope everyone had a good week-end.

Hi Janine-

I'm excited about your husband getting a 48hr pass. I understand what you mean about the spiritual maturity. My husband has really started maturing. Any chance we could talk? I have so much to say and ask. If it's ok, send me your email address.

Hi Toni-

I am soooooo sorry to hear about your friend.
When I read your post I was in shock. I can't believe that, it just doesn't make any sense. And he knew someone would kill him? Oh my God!!! All that over a mistake the phone company made. He didn't do anything wrong. That phone company should be held liable for his death. I'm sorry but I am just so mad about that. I know this is a terrible time for you right now, mourning the lost of your friend. But please try to stay strong, you have so much going on in your life you can't afford to break down. Cry,shout,screaming then turn it over to God. I will pray for you. Take care and keep posting so we know you are ok.

I'm Ok. Still very much in upheaval... I started counseling and she gave me a great idea. Write down what I felt for him in the beginning, and what I feel now... What do I want to feel. She said to make a list of what I want marriage to be. And one day when we are calm to read it to him.
Anyways, work is starting soon and I need to get ready
God Bless

Hi everyone,
It was a crazy weekend. My truck broke down and started smoking. While figuring out what to do with it thankfully I had my Mom's old car I bought for her before she graduated to Heaven. Well in the process of getting my husband back to the 1/2 way house on time Saturday night it also broke down. Geeeze! My Dad was able to 'hop to' and pick us all up and take him back down town and then take my son and I back to my brothers where he has a 'mudding' 4x4 we could use in the mean time. It isn't legal but it does run. I am driving that and will take my truck in for fixing tonight when I get off of work. We feared my husband would get in trouble for being late but it was only 5 minutes and nothing came of it. They sure put the scare into you though. Brother says it will be around $100 bucks to fix it. Not too bad, but a drag either way. Mom's car will have to wait until hubby gets home on his first weekend to take a look at it. I feel like such a bother to the men in my family when these things go wrong and my husband isn't around to do his job. My brother and Father say it isn't a bother but you know. I pride myself on being independant but can't be at times. Only 2 more weekends of 5 hour passes, then we start 48s. Looking so forward to it.
Misty,
Thanks for asking how things are going. Lets just say they are going. There is surely an adjustment period and we are just nicking the tip of the ice berg I am sure. It is strange to have someone around to question me or notice my faults. He does it in a silly loving way and we laugh about it but it is different than what I have become accustomed to just the same.
Toni,
My Gosh, what a horible thing to happen. I am not sure what to say other than I am sorry. The system is so screwed up. My prayers are with you and his family.
KIM,
Glad to hear you started counseling, only good can come of it.

Hope all of you have a great day!

Janine

Hi. This is my first visit to this site. It interests me. My boyfriend and I had just moved with my son to a new community. Twenty two days later, he was arrested. I am not sure of how to cope with all of the ups and downs. I have been working very hard for his release, but to no avail. I desire input as to what I am supposed to be feeling. My biggest fear is that apon his return, he will no longer want me for his partner. This was a domestic case and my guilt is overwhelming. He was on parole at the time so he is being held on a parole hold. Does anyone have links to legal info in Illinois that might be helpful?
Respctfully,

Suzanne in Illinois

Janine, isn't it weird to have to tell some one something that you've done and they question it. You get so used to being alone and doing what you want to gewt done when you want to do it.

I hope everything continues to do good for you.
My boss is coming bye

HELLO EVERYONE IT'S ME NIELLY HOW ARE YOU DOING?
I KNOW I HAVEN'T POSTED FOR A WHILE I JUST GET TO BUSY SOMETIMES AS A MATTER OF FACT I JUST CAME BACK FROM NEW MEXICO I LEFT WITH MY FATHER IN LAW AND MY DAUGHTERS THE ONLY THING IS THAT THE DAY WE WHERE LEAVING WE WERE TOLD THAT MY BOYFRIENDS GRANDFATHER HAD PAST AWAY I JUST FEEL BAD FOR MY BOYFRIEND HE DIDN'T GET TO SEE HIS GRANFATHER FOR THE VERY LAST TIME. TONI I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR FRIEND WE ALL KNOW HOW UNFAIR IS THE SYSTEM. BUT, DON'T WORRY THERE IS A GOD UP THERE HE'LL TAKE CARE OF ALL THIS SOMEDAY.WELL i GOTTA GO TAKE CARE EVERYONE AND GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU.

Hi all,
Well, I took the truck in and they told me it was going to be $1,500 - $2000 to fix it. YIKES!! My bro said it was a $1.00 part but the labor would be extensive but not that extensive. We towed it outa there right away and my brother is going to attempt to fix it for me. Keep your fingers crossed. Only two more weeks and my hubby starts his weekends home. Can't wait to wake up next to him again.
Neilly,
Sorry to hear about your husbands loss. My husband also lost his father, mother-in-law, and 2 sisters while in for the 5 years. I know how difficult it can be.
Suzanne, Welcome to the site! We are hear to listen and give our advice. Sorry to hear of your tough times. No one should blame you for their wrong doings. Keep that in mind instead of blaming your self. I don't know of any links but possibly someone else here on the site does.

Hi guys,
What a crazy day. I am a nervous wreck. Looked at a new truck last night, waiting for everything to be finalized right now. GEEEEZE! Nothing much is going on other than that. Just checking in on everyone? Where is everyone? I suppose no news is good news???? One more weekend of 5 hours visits for us, then weekends home start next week. Can't wait. Your all in my prayers. Kim, I hope everything is working out for you and your hubby.

G'day

Hello! everybody

Janine I hope you got your truck . you know I had a bad day today I've been driving without a license for years finally today I went to take my driving test and I didn't pass I couldn't believe it I've been driving for so long I really believe i drive good but, I guess i have to retake the driving test I hope this time I pass. also the phone company put another block on my phone so I haven't been able to talk to my boyfriend for a week it seems forever. I don't even know why they put a block i've been paying my phone bill. I think this people just want to give me a hard time. Well gotta go take care everyone~~~ GOD BLESS YOU!!!!

Ok, I got to drive the 2002 Montero Sport home last night! YIPEEEEEE Horayyyyy! The deal is still pending though. I will know for sure later today. Say a prayer! I can't wait to show my husband. God IS good! Hope everyone is doing well. Where are you TONI?

janine

Hi, everyone. I'm alive. It has been a couple of weeks of spinning out of control and feeling frustrated and all. My friend's memorial was last night and a human rights attorney told me that he vowed to fight for him and that is isn't over and that makes me happy because I no longer have fight in my temprament and I know that Ken would want a huge fight over this because he didn't lay down for anyone. A reporter is going to talk to me today about everything. He had a lot of people in his corner so I am feeling good that people will be looking out for him. My daughter took one of his dogs as her own and he has two more that need homes. With my 7 dogs and 4 cats I can't take one more animal. Their food bill is higher than mine. Ha.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I am getting back up in the saddle again and a university bought 26 of my books to train future correctional officers to hopefully show them the humanity behind the men and women behind bars. I expect that the difference in the instruction they are getting might make a difference 15 years down the road but hey, better late than never.
Take care,
Toni

www.prison-online.com

We are a new site for prison support...
We also offer free legal forms, free webpage hosting and more.

We would love for you to drop by and join our community.

Thanks,
Don

Toni,
Good deal on selling the 26 books. I am so impressed with your gusto and ability to handle these tough situations you seem to accept with open arms.
All the women here are so strong. Now that I am slowing working my way out of this nightmare I look back and wonder how I did it these past 5 years. I know that God could not have given us each this task if he didn't think we could handle it. I often see others and wonder what they would have done in a situation like we all have been tested with. I don't think the majority of the population could prevail as we have. Just a thought. I pray everyone is having a good day.
Janine

Hey ladies....Life is interesting...I need either happy pills or anger/ emotion management. I had another freak out that set our marraige back a bit. The good thing..always look on the bright side right, is that we started talking after it happened and we are still talking about it. I need to learn to think before a react with utter raw emotion. If you believe in the sort of thing I'm a cancer with an leo moon. Which means massive emotion with a proud, stubborn streak.
we had a very good happy week before I flipped out.
Anyways, I gotta go.
God Bless all of you, and us too.

Hi All-

I hope everyone is doing well. It seems that participation on the site is dwelling. I hope not. I enjoy being able to share with people who understand what each of us are going through. There's alot of love and support and here that has been a great help to me during this time of adversity. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 3yrs but it's encouraging to hear from someone like Janine who has "been there and done that."

The facility that my husband is in just starting charging a housing fee of $1.00 per day. Just when I thought I could start saving a little extra money for car repairs etc. It doesn't seem like alot but it adds up. I have to make sure there is enough money on the books to cover that just so I can send I'm alittle something for his canteen. It seems as if it's nevering going to stop.

Hi, I hope all is well with everyone. Rob, I know one thing and that is I won't leave the site. It is my home. I am not really active simply because I am strugglling with a lot. I help folks through the mail and in person too and sometimes I feel overwhelmed when I have so many darn needs myself. I did find a key to getting Johnny's attorney to help me. I sent my 19 year old super model looking daughter to talk to him. Funny, now our case interests him. Heavy sigh.
I am working hard on promoting things for the book and also public speaking things trying to get churches to invite me to speak and get them pumped up to help our families when they come home on parole. I haven't moved yet but I have gotten rid of nearly all my possessions and want so bad to leave Amarillo I am in pain sometimes trying to make it happen. Have dogs will travel. Ya know.
Keep strong everyone. I am looking forward to this site getting more action in the near future.
Love,
Toni

Hi everyone,
Hope you all had a good weekend. Took my husband and son for haircuts together, it was so cute. They may sound like a stupid little thing to some but not people in our predicament huh? Our son wanted his hair cut just like Daddy's. It is so comforting knowing he hasn't lost his desire to be like Daddy since he has been gone so long and his has the bio-mom saying what an awful father he has. Good is out winning the evil, as it should. After the hair cuts we went to play at Dave & Busters arcade. Spent wayyyyy to much money but a treat just the same. It is so hard for my husband to have to go back to the 1/2 way house afterwards. Well, as of today he can start 2 weeknight home visits after work until 9pm. Only thing is we live too far away to make it happen. Bummer! He will start weekends home in 4 days. yipeeee!
Rob, I will keep posting here for quite some time yet. If I can't help others going through the same nightmare I did then it would all be in vain. I hope to get our story out there to many people in our future. Keep the faith!

God Bless,

Janine

Toni-
You do have alot on your plate. Is there anything I can do from here in Virginia that can help you in anyway? I'm glad to hear your not going anywhere (as far as this site :)- ).

Janine-
It's good to hear your visits are going well. A hair cut is a big deal for people like us. (smile) We have to be grateful for the little things in life. So this weekend you can have weekend visits? Hooray!! I'm getting excited.

Rob,
Yes, this weekend will be our first weekend visit, first over night visit, first time to wake up next to him in 5 1/2 years, first time to relax together. HOLY SMOKES! It sounds so crazy, yet so normal. I have gotten used to living by myself. I got used to totally relaxing. I eat garlic and onion as much as I want, I belch, and do what I want to do. I am sure there are a lot of things I don't even realize I am doing that may surprise him and me for that matter. hehehehehe It will be strange, thats for sure. Gotta go!

hi yall this is misty well i am not dowing to good, they just charged my husband with 10 more charges dame how can they drop charges and then one 1 yr latter bring them back up i dont no i no that i cant get this out of my head thats all i can thank about man they are realy trying to stick it to him or should i say us, i dont no what we are spoce to do about this has any one hade to go threw this please let me no what we do to get this ran cc with his 8yrs thanks yall take care ..

G'mornin all,
Where have you been Misty, we missed you. I wouldn't know what to tell you to do. All I can say is I relate to the inconsistancy of the system. We are going through that right now but on a much smaller scale. They tell my husband to do one thing and then when he does it they tell him he wasn't supposed to do that. We make plans to do one thing then they come back and say he is breaking the rules if he does that. CRAZINESS!
We thought Daddy was going to be able to go to our son's Scout event on Friday since it will be his first weekend home. He IS allowed two 4 hour passes over the weekend but to find out that Friday isn't considered 'over the weekend' only Saturday and Sunday are. Our son said "that disappoints him". I feel for him but it is almost over finally. God is teaching us patience I suppose.
Check back later
Janine

Hi guys,
It's just me again, Janine. I had the weirdest dream last night. Well, considering what I dealing with I suppose it's not all that weird. I dreamed that my husband used on his 1st weekend pass and had to go back to prison. In my dream I left him. I have always said if he did this to me again that would be it. In all honesty I would bet my life on it he never used again, but it was a dream. Only one more day until his first weekend home. I pick him up tomorrow at 4pm. Our son has a den meeting tomorrow night and my husband isn't able to go so I will go by myself and meet my son there, as he is visiting with his biomom this weekend. That means the house is all ours for a total of 53 hours. YIPEEEE!
He wants to celebrate with some champagne but I am concerned it won't be out of his system by Sunday night at 9pm. What do you think? I don't know how long it takes to leave, please if you know how long, POST.

I will check back later!
Janine

Hi Janine-

I don't know how long it takes to get out of your system, but why chance it? Can you wait until he is out for good and then REALLY celebrate when you don't have people directly looking over your shoulder? See the devil has a way of tricking us into thinking "it will be ok this once" and I don't want ANYTHING to prolong your husband from coming home for good. I guess I'm scardy cat. Just food for thought.

Janine, I agree. You shouldn't chance fate. I'm glad you'll get the house to yourselves. That is so awesome. Bobby and I have a weird truce right now. He's sleeping in the living room and me in the bedroom. But other than that, we're not fighting. We kiss hi and bye, he got me a pretty dress as a peace offering, he gave me $$ for the bills, and he's looking for a job. His last paycheck came in handy with the bills. We are laughing, and joking around. We also talk about serious stuff as well. Maybe we just needed that last big fight to air out the feelings or something. Anyways, One day at a time.
God bless everyone.
Janine, don't chance it, girl. It aint worth having the privilage revoked.
Kim

Hi all,
I am leaving in 14 minutes to get my man. Yahhoooooeeeeee! I agree with you Rob and Kim. No worries.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
Chow!
Janine

Hi all,
The weekend was wonderful. It was everything I had dreamed about and more. It wasn't that we did anything out of the ordinary but we were together. I guess that is out of the ordinary for us isn't it. We got soooo much done around the house. I put in a new garden while he framed in the new shed. We redid the boys room, fixed the go-cart, hung wall stuff. It was just fun being busy together. The first thing he did when he got home was organize some of his tools in the garage. I had to go to our sons Scout den meeting and hang out with his ex-wife (oh joy) so he was home alone for a while. When I arrived home he was in a panic. The 2nd phone line that the 1/2 way house MUST be able to get a hold of him on wasn't working. We freaked to say the least. I called everyone I knew to see what they knew to help. My Dad came over and we finally got the line to work. GEEEEZE! What a scare. It was difficult taking him back Sunday night but we will make it. I took off yesterday and went and picked him up for the day to spend it with boy and I at the house. He jumped on the tramp with our son, played video games, rode the go-cart with him. It is so enjoyable to see them together again. God is good. Only 2 more days and he will be home again for the weekend. Can't wait. I did notice that he leaves doors open, lights on, seat up, to name a few things that annoy me. I suppose he hasn't had to do these things in years so it will take time to adjust back into the norm.
Janine

I am soooooooooo Happy for you girl!!!!
It feels so great to hear you go through the fun parts of him being almost home.

Well....Bobby's dumpster diving got him into trouble, I knew it would eventually. He didn't thouroughly check a fanny-pack he grabbed from the trash, and he rode away on his bike. A bored...but really nice cop pulled him over for not having his light turned on. He checked bobby's things and sure enough in the fanny pack that bobby didn't even look into was a needle, and other periphanilia. The cop believed bobby and gave him a ticket to appear in court for the misdemeaner violation of posession of periphanilia. He could have been taken in. He is free and clear of parole, but now he's really depressed because last time was supposed to be it. We are scared, but it is a small little thing, but it puts a damper on everything. It did bring us closer. We have stopped fighting and are concentrating on cuddling and having a good time while together. At the way most, 1 year in county jail. At the least a week or community service. We really don't know, and cause of his record... it varies what the judge may think.

Gotta go to work now.
God bless everyone, and please still keep us in your prayers

I am involved with someone in a Texas prison, I am 28 years old and have been reuinted with my first love from when i was 16 years old. He says we have played cat and mouse games for 12 years and now I have finally given in to his love, and I have. Ever since we were 16 years I knew this man was the one, but we were young. Well anyhow as the years went by I got married and had a family got divorced, lost my mother to cancer. He has always been there for me, loved me and cared enough to stick by my side. Well 5 years ago he got 80 years to life, and has done 5 years already. I am not sure how long he will be there might be forever, I am not aware of his case I want to educate myself on it.Well for 5 years I did not know where he was sent. It was a difficult thing to deal with that I couldnt face the fact that this man who was there for me was gone. I was selfish. I have grown up and I realize that I love this man he is my soul mate, and I want to stand by him the way he stood by me all those years. I want to spend the rest of my life helping him deal with this. He says he is inoccent and I belive him. I got to see him for the first time Yesterday and I Cried the whole way home. He is truly a good man, always has always will be. I dont know much about what to send, or anything about this. Hope to hear from anyone who is going through this

Well I am new to this site and reading the heartaches I now realize that I am anything but alone. After a 10 year relationship with Daniel, I find myself alone, unhappy, and depressed beyond anyones ability to understand. I live in Texas, He went to Oklahoma where he is from and we both said that we just needed some time and space. He called me and told me that he had been wrong and that he knew for sure what he had (us) was all that he had ever wanted, or needed. He was on his way home. His response to me has always been and still continues to be " I'll Be Home, When I Get Home" it is a running joke in our relationship.
Christmas was over and he had spent New Years with some of his family, and to go hunting.
Before he made it back home, he went with a friend of his to help her to return her boyfriends car after they had broken up. While returning the car, her ex thought that Daniel and her had something going on. They trapped Daniel in the living room of the house and her ex started shooting at Daniel. Now Daniel has always as long as I have known him always carried a gun. Licensed, reg, and with the proper permits to do so. After being shot 6 times his self he fired back. He killed the other person.
That happened a year ago this Jan. It is a year later and he has finally been to court and been senteced. Thank God he survived the gunshots, and thank god they reduced the charges from 1st degree murder to 1st degree manslaughter. He was sentenced to 7 years. In Oklahoma you have to serve 85% of your sentence with a violent crime, before you come up for your 1st parole hearing.
I know that I should be thankful for his life, and that they reduced the charges, and that he didn't get life. But I am still alone, Lonely,
and in my own hell. I am 800 miles away from him so visiting is very hard. With my job, and trying to get the bills paid I have only been able to go 1 time in the past year. He calls and that helps, and it also hurts. He get upset if I am not always upbeat, and chipper. The last time that I got depressed and he knew about it he quit writing and calling for 5 months. That was terrible. I had been calling his sister that lives there and getting information from her. He had told he that he didn't want to talk to me or write if it was going to cause me to be unhappy.
We finally got past that and got back to a normal communication. If that isn't an oxy-moron statement I don't know what is. :) I have been putting in a lot of overtime at work this week, and he has tried to call 4 times and I have missed every call. Last night which was Friday, I let my daughter go to a friends house just so that I could be alone and let go of my emotions. Can't do that in front of anyone, have to appear to be the stong one. Keep in mind he NEVER calls on the weekend becuase it is so loud that you can't hear. Well I just sat at home and watched some tapes of us together on vacation, birthday parties, you name it and we were always taping it. Baseball games, picnics, days at the lake. And what did I hope to gain from this torture fest? Just a moment of normalicy, remembering how it use to be. Well you guessed it, well into my crying fit, (which keep in mind I am not allowed to have) he calls. It was midnight and he is calling. I didn't answer the phone because I didn't want him to know I was upset. Now I feel guilty that I didn't answer the phone. It was Friday night and it was midnight. I'm sure that he is ticked off now thinking I was somewhere where I shouldn't have been. I have been hoping all day that he would just call home, but needless to say he hasn't.
This is all so hard!!!! How will we ever make it for 6 more years.
Six years doesn't seem like a lot when you are rasing a child, or in school, but 6 years without the love of your life is a lifetime. Does the hurt ever get better????? I know that it doesn't stop, but this is ripping my heart out every single day.
It has already been a year since I was able to feel his arms around me, or his lips against mine, or hear his laughter after a long hard day at work, just to wake up and say " Honey your snoring would you please turn over" Now how I would love to hear that annoying snore!!! It the smallest stupid things that I miss. Nothing major, nothing earth-shattering, just us..... together..... living our lives........ will it ever be the same again...... will it ever be over?

Brenda, I am so sorry for you. Welcome to a group that I always pray no more members become a part of. Does it get better? That depends on how you mean. I can only speak of my experience. The year he was away, was the worst of my life... even now that we fight constantly... at least we can fight. I eased the pain by going back to school taking some classes and working. Keeping your mind off of it as much as possible helps. I understand what you mean about the little things. I missed his smell. I missed his heart beat, but mainly his smell.

I gotta go to work now,
God Bless all of you and your men.
Kim Dukes

Man, the dumpster diving thing is a wake up call for me. It is a thing I like to do. Even when things were really good for me, finding other peoples trash and it being my treasure was a fun thing for me to do. It makes you think. I just wanted you to know that I am alive. Working a little, trying to get things going as usual and feeling extreemly depressed as we approach yet another parole prospect. The last one nearly killed me and tore apart out family. Getting hopes up and doing everything and then having someone say that it was the nature of the crime tht makes them not let him come home and that he and we had done everything possible and there is no more we can do hurts. It seems like the sentence in itself was based on the nature of the crime and that the parole being again applied to that would be double jepardy in a way but I guess it isn't. The DNA evidence motion is still going through and that is also a source of hope and pain. It would be nice if things went forward in more logical and time effective manner. It took them only 3 months to give him two trials for a crime he says he didn't commit and it has taken 21 years of fighting to try and get him home and it wears on a person. I hope you guys are all doing well and I want to encourage the folks that are reading and not posting to step up to the plate and help and support those folks that come here for support. I know there are about 10 people reading for everyone posting and your voice is needed. We care and I hope that it will encourage you folks to talk. To be honest...I need your support too. :) take care you guys.
TOni

Rob, I missed your post. I do have a lot on my plate and I could use some help. Right now I don't know what the heck to do. I do know that my heart is in the right place but I am not good at networking or feeding myself. Ha. But I am trying. I can always use more storys about love and making it work with the bars between you and all. It is going to take me nearly a year to get my butt over to your end of the country. I m going to work with a lady who has no desire to be around prisoners or the families but has tons of ideas on how I can get things going. I am still without internet service and my working to get more money didn't work out because a source of money for me isn't coming this month so I didn't get anywhere ahead, just not more behind which is good. Thank you for your offer. If you know of anyone who would allow me to speak at their church or organization I would drive there in covered wagon if I had to.
Take care,
Toni

Toni,
I can't say whether or not you can or can't speak at my church but we do have a prison ministry in place. It is a very large church now and growing minute by minute. Go to HCBC.com and check it out.
Everything is going well at the home front. No new news. We are following the rules to a strict T and all is well. He will be home for good in only 5 1/2 weeks. PTL

Janine

Hi, how is everyone? I hope you are doing okay Misty. I hope everything is going well for you janine. Kim, how's it going? Things are going okay here. I am stressing a lot and that makes the illness worse. I am in that parole holding pattern a year out from the time again. We had a scare that almost got him a major case because he had some medication from his back injury and was taking it as needed instead as perscribed. It was a close call that almost cost us everything. I am grateful for everything. I miss everyone. Hope all is well,
Toni

Brenda, I too am doing a long time. This is our 21st year and my 8th year as his wife. It is hard. Feel free to write me any time or write and I will share my phone number. My kids call me all hours so I am used to it.
Take care,
Toni

Where is everybody? I hope all is well.

Hi All-
Is everyone ok? Everyone must be coasting along, since there hasn't been much activity on the site. Oh well, maybe no news is good news :- )

Toni-
I'm glad your scare was just that a scare. When does he go up for parole again? What does his chances look like? I'm sure the waiting game can be a bit much, but try not to stress too much. You'll be no good to him if your illness gets worse. Put it in Gods hands and be anxious for nothing. Any news on your friends case?

Janine-
How are the weekend visit going? Is everything starting to get back to "normal"?

Hi everyone,
Hope that you are all doing okay.I have only posted a couple of times so i am new to this but i have been with my fiance one and a half years. Toni my other half is up for parole for the first time next may. He is in texas too. Sometimes i feel im doing okay at others my head is just spinning with it all. Just taking one day at a time. He was put on the chain recently, got to his unit and was put straight back into transit when he got there, I need to come see him but im over seas so i need to wait and see were he lands at. This computer and your group is a blessing, makes me feel less alone.

love and best wishes to you all
kay

Hi everyone,
All is going well. New things pop up daily that the 1/2 way house never told my husband so he seems to be getting a late start at privledges and such. They only tell you when you ask, no information offered otherwise. The people running this place seem very ignorant and careless in my opinion. A lot of mistakes take place on their part. Some benefit us and some don't, so it doesn't make any sense at all. We just keep telling ourselves that it will only be a few more months. Honestly, it is just wonderful having him back in my life. As liong as we play by their rules it will be over soon.
Work is getting pretty busy for me. More and more duties. Looks as though our division isn't doing well at all. If things don't turn around by the end of the year we will all be out of jobs. I check the site often but haven't been writing because it has been so hectic. Your all in my thoughts and prayers. Keep the faith!!!

Janine

Hi all,
I wrote on the site for the first time several months ago, then things got too hectic. My husband was just sentenced this week to 25 years in Indiana. I am still kind of numb. I have the utmost respect and admiration for those who stand by their men during the long haul. Can I also make it? The family doesn't think I should, but I feel that God is helping me hang on. There are so many sad stories out there - my heart just breaks for people.
Thanks for keeping up the website, Toni.
Marcia

Hi Marcia-

I can understand that you are still numb. It's going to take awhile. I was numb when my husband got sentenced to 5yrs so I can only imagine your pain. Can you make it is a tough question. I would say not to make any decisions right now in the state that you are probably in, but pray, pray, and pray some more. Don't listen to your friends or family if they are spilling negativity, you don't need that right now. You need to take time to feel what is really in your heart and what God is telling you. Whatever you ultimately decide will be hard. If you decided to leave him, you'll probably feel guilty like you are abandoning him and if you stay it's all the other ups and downs of a wife with a husband in prison.

How much of that time does your husband have to do? Any chance of an appeal?

Hi everyone,
Hope all is well with all of you. Well, it was my husbands birthday on Saturday. We were not allowed to really go anywhere but just being together was awesome. We did go to get him an eye exam and to order new glasses. Not sure what the prisoners are supposed to do to get new glasses when the time comes because my husband could have used them years ago. They were held together with a peice of wire, had a huge crack in one of the lenses because it kept falling out, and they were so big they could have used wind shield wipers on them. That's what I told him anyway. heheheehehe. So it was kinda a big deal to get new ones. That wasn't his birthday present, it just worked out it was on that day. I decorated the house and we just had a cozy day at home for his birthday. Well, we are down to less than a month now before they allow him home confinement. We feel as though we are so blessed to have what we have but still want more. Can't wait until he is totally out of the system in May. Your all in my prayers.

Have a good Monday!

Marcia,
Don't listen to others, only your heart. I made the mistake of listening at one point in my duration of waiting and am sorry. Luckily I have had a 2nd chance to redeem myself and I know my husband and God forgive me. Now I can tell the others that didn't support my decision that they were wrong and now my husband and I are back together happily.

Hi, everyone. My husband is coming up for parole any time between now and Feb of next year. His chances can't be gaged. The reason that he was turned down last time was "The nature of the crime" and the parole guy said he never lets anyone go the first time. I goofed up and blurted out a name of someone he had let go the first time who had 3 life sentences but gave him some jewlery and stuff. I didn't mention the jewlery of course. The guy said Johnny had done everything he could do and so did I. But last time I had a 37,000 a year job, two cars for us, and a nice home. Now, because of my illness, I make 600.00 a month and have had to sell most of the belongings. I talked to an old warden and he said that it won't matter but still I worry. He said he thought the parole board had a cheat sheet that said how much time he would have to do. Johnny does have a job waiting for him in N.C. if we can move. My friend who died in jail has still no cause of death from the officials so his family can't settle his estate or anything. I am planing on attending a skincare program in Dallas this spring and hope that I can do facials and waxing and it won't be a lot of stress and can jive with my illness. I used to be a pretty well known massage therapist but I can't do that. I have been working on publicising the book and writing the parole book. I am making progress, I think. I hope and pray. I just keep pushing on any door I think will open for me. I don't want Johnny to come home to me struggling like I do. I talked to his attorney about the DNA motion last night and he says it doesn't look good. He said there are a lot of things to test and that is good but they let Johnny take the stand when he was suicidal and he as much as admitted he did the crime even though he didn't just to get away from his life which is really typical of someone in his shoes. Johnny still believes the DNA will prove he didn't do it. The attorney said, "It is what it is and we will do what we can." Anyway, I am such an uplifing mofo today. :) Take care everyone. I miss you guys.
God Bless You All! The life change group I started hasn't done anything basically because I am trying not to drown. Crazy woman!

Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for the encouragement! Everyone on this website needs so much of that. My husband got 25, serves 12 1/2, then subtract time cuts for education, etc. There is no probation period (good thing). We're looking at a minimum of 7 years. The State of IN is looking at giving 3 days for each day served. Wouldn't that be nice? Don't know if it's passed the legislature yet.

There is no chance for an appeal. He signed a plea agreement for molesting his daughter. His crime is at the very bottom of the list (so I'm told), so I hope he survives prison (he's 56 and not real healthy). I don't think there's many women who stand by their men for this crime. Is there a support group anywhere? I know people think I'm crazy, or I condone the behavior. I plan to stay connected to him until/unless I feel God wants me to move on.

I'm happy for those of you who are being reunited with your loved one. I hope the adjustment period goes smoothly.

Gotta go for now,
Marcia

Hi There!
This is my first time on here and all I can say is this site is a blessing. My husband has been gone since December 11, 2003. This was the second Christmas without him, he was in jail the year before. Anyway, my husband is in the process of taking pleas and being bounced back and forth between county jails and State jails. So, tonight I was trying to find out where he was and I ended up getting linked to this site through the Texas TDCJ website and I am so thankful to have stumbled onto this. This is the first time in the years I have been dealing with this that I know someone else knows what I'm going through and that I won't be judged for standing by my man, or even just the fact that he is in prison. I can finally talk about this! Thank you all so much.

Hi Chrissy-

Welcome to the site!! I stumbled across the site myself in November. You never know were a few clicks might take you :-)

It is wonderful to be able to talk to people with similar experiences, so talk away. How long was your husband sentenced?

My husband and I are going on our first anniversary of his departure, March 6, 2003. I truly feel like there is a void in my life. The extra sad part is that I try not to mention him or even that I'm married to people that aren't close to me. I don't want people asking me questions like what he does for a living, where he works, etc. etc. I don't want to make up lies about his where abouts so I act like he's not even there. What do I say, we are seperated, he works out of town? Or do I say no my husband is in jail for making poor choices, but he's in the process of turning his life around, growing and maturing so that he can once again become a "productive member of society". Does anyone else feel the same way?

HI everyone, hope your all doing okay
Rob you really hit the nail on the head. Im so sick of people judging without knowing. Now i just keep were my other half is at to myself. Not that i am ashamed or embarrassed im just fed up with nasty comments and people thinking im crazy!!
I love my man and choose to stand beside him because that is were i belong. I am a pretty strong person and im glad of that because at times its been hell but we still laugth. I am so glad toni started this site, a place were its okay to love someone incarcerated. I found it by accident and its great. Life is tough enougth so to be able to come here and find people who know what your going through is great. You all take care
kay

Hi, everybody. I wanted to tell Marcia that if you go to the links page on the site and scroll down you will see the Family and Corrections website. They have a directory there of state by state listings of support groups. If there isn't one in your area, start one. I will be more than glad to help you. It's easy. "Start it and they will come." cookies help. Ha. I haven't heard from my husband this week and I could use the boost. He is helping me come up with 101 reasons to stay out of prison and 101 reasons to work at being free for the new book. At first he didn't want to write for the new book. He is tired of prison being in our lives. I told him that had he been a mechanic I would have written a book on how to be a grease monkey's mate and that our lot was prison for now and we need to finish what we started. It helps me keep going to work on stuff that might help us some day. The cool thing is, the movie Blow, have you seen it? Well, it touched me because the man in the movie loved his daughter so much and I just as much always dreamed my dad would want me and prison and separation well, the end made both my daughters and myself tear up because, well, that is how we feel about my husband, he is a ghost in our lives who is ever present yet not around and so I wrote the man, George Jung and I sent him a book and he wrote back and will contribute a poem to the next book and so that was a bright spot. I expect to travel a lot over the next year talking to people about the toll on the families. I think that the parole process is even more cruel than incarceration because there is no clear cut way to know if you are going to get it or not so your family and and friends have to go on a roller coaster ride with you or dump you when you don't get parole like some of my husband's family did. Okay, I'm rambling. I support anyone who loves deeply and unselfishly. To love with innocence is to love purely and a person's situation isn't who they are.
Take care,
Toni

Hi Toni-

Having George Jung contribute to your book is wonderful. I know you were pretty charged when you got the letter. Your spirit truly amazes me. You continue to write and lecture and represent all of us. Thanks. Do you normally talk to your husband on a regular bases? If I don't hear from my husband everyday I get anixous. We only talk once a week, but he calls everyday and after the message "you have a collect call from" {beep}, he says he loves me or call this person or do this or that. Even though we can't talk it makes us both feel better. Can you do that too? I wish you didn't have to go through the ups and downs of parole. Maybe if you had a definite date you would have something to look forward to. If friends and family dump you, then they never were friends and family. You'll be blessed anyway. When I get alittle extra money I'm going to buy your first book. You think I could get it autographed? I've never met a big time writer before (wink, wink)

Take care all

Hi guys,
Funny, Rob, I did the same thing when talking to people about my marital status. I would just say that we were separated. Now that he is kinda back in the picture it creates somewhat of a problem though! hehehehe I am sure we can handle that though since we made it through the worst part. My husband and I were blessed to be able to talk to each other every day he was away for the 5 years. They only allow 300 minutes a month in outbound calls but the cost was cheaper than calling collect so he never called collect. In federal they give you like a calling card as long as you have $ on the books. I know that is what kept us together and kept it real for me.
Well, my son gave me an earfull at bedtime the other night. It seems as though the bio mom and her live in boy friend are giving my son a very hard time hear lately and I didn't know about it. For some reason they are NOT happy my husband is home and I fear they are taking it out on him. Badgering him about choosing to live with them, cursing at him, punishing him if he doesn't want to talk about the living arrangements. It's really sad to watch and they don't even realize that they are pushing him away further. I wouldn't doubt it if I received court papers again sometime soon, her trying to take him from me again. The boy doesn't even want to go to visit them right now at all. Very sad, makes me want to cry that I can't do anything for him.
Tomorrow is Friday and that means after this weekend it will only be 2 more weekends until hubby is home full time. Can't wait.
Take care all,
Janine

Hi, in Texas, in the state pens you only get a call once ever 90 days and depending on the chaplin if you use that call and the next day there is a tragedy and you need to call home some will not let you do it because you used your call. We are only 9 miles apart and we write every day but because of my lack of income and his lack of money on the books we don't mail out every day. I did get a letter from him yesterday and that was good because I had thought one of our dogs had a stroke and I was all upset the vet thought it was a brain tumor but it turned out to be some things on his ear drum so he's coming home. It seems like every day there is some reason I would need my husband's comfort and I am a tuff woman. I can't imagine the old me, the one who had not been through so much stuff waiting for him. I would have been a bowl of jelly. I will autograph the back side of a forthcoming cow so, yeah, I would autograph a book. Hee. It really makes me regret the long last name when I do book signings. Ha. To be honest, I feel like mostly I try to talk about our situation to people but by and large our topic isn't welcome. I have asked to speak at the local college and the lady stammered and the man has not returned my call yet. I thought I would have loved to have a speaker address my situation and show up and see other people who have someone inside so we could be friends someday, maybe, but people don't get it. I will probably end up doing more outside of Texas first. I have some cool stuff to give people, you know a list of the support groups in their area, a video of other women like us, a video on health issues,and then little how to things, so I am all ready, just I'm all dressed up and no where to go. Ha.
Take care everyone.
Toni

Hey, what's going on with everyone? I hope all is well. I am excited because two people who were on death row and got out and are making a difference have agreed to contribute to the parole book. It is so important that the folks impacted by parole lend their voices. It makes me really happy. I know nothing except what I know about parole from letting a kid parole to my house and my friend Ken's tragic ordeal and that isn't enough to make the book really, really help people. Personally, I'm struggling with the incarceration. It is harder to overcome obsticles in a relationship when the bars are there but you gotta keep trying. I hope everyone is okay and doing well and prospering.
take care,
Toni

Hi everyone,
Hope this finds you all doing well.
Toni thats great about the contributions for the parole book. Girl where do you find the strength to keep going your an inspiration. Does any one know if there is a time scale for how long you can be or i should say how long your other half can be kept in transit in texas. We are going on 30 days now, i think im going to start climbing the walls soon, so i might be on the ceiling soon! Sense of humour still prevails, its all i got sometimes. The rollercoaster is definatley on the uphill struggle at the moment but we will get there. you all take care

kay

Hi guys!
Kay, my husband was in transit in Texas for about 45 days until I heard from him the first time. His was federal though but during the entire transit I believe he was shuffled around from state to state prisons.
All is well for us. After this weekend there is only one more weekend to go until he is home for good. Can't wait!
Hope all is well with you guys!

Janine

I am so excited for you Janine. Kay, the limits they set can always be unset by the "at the warden's disgression clause" I hope he is out soon. In Arizona, I knew a lady who's man got someone high up angry and he spent his whole incarceration in the van being moved from one prison to another so he couldn't get visits. That isn't right nor fair but you know what they say about those two topics the good thing is that type of thing is rare.
My strength is giving out when it comes to all of this. I will publish the book because the new books is going to rock but there is a problem with Prisoners of Love book. I can't do anything to make it better because it's up to the publisher and they aren't doing it. All I can do is hope and pray that someone buys the books without being listed in the libraries or the prisons or in books in print and when you need a sandwhich, that hope gets thin, ya know? Oh, well, all things in God's time right? I am currently working in a marriage building book with my husband called borders in marriage. I tear the pages out, answer the questions and then send it to him for answers so we can maintain a closer relationship. This year has been so hard that I think we both need to focus on us some. I hope live is great for each and every one of you. Take care,
Toni

Hey, guess who's having to give their home back? Me. The bumped my mortgage up to 775.00 per month to cover escrow shortages and I couldn't hardly pay the 500.00 so I guess God is making room for my good to come. I am not as worried about it as perhaps I should be. I'm too tired to worry. I am not succeeding at getting the Prisoners of Love book marketed. My hands are tied by the publisher and she wrote me a nasty letter about how I shouldn't be so desperate to sell the books. Well, if I weren't in a tight spot I could be kick back, ya know? Johnny is going to be worried about where he will be able to parole to. I told him he would parole to me and I won't be homeless so not to worry. The good news is the website will continue not matter what. I was trying to get on a news show, since I have been called the Martha Stewart of prison I thought it would be a funny segment for me to demonstrate how to make your own paper. Ha! Gotta keep laughing. I am making a trip to Dallas tomorrow to have my hand examined since it isn't working exactly right. take care. Misty I hope everything works out for you. I don't know why they do what they do. It all seems personal to me. I know it was with my friend Ken.

Hello all,
Another Monday, it is beautiful out though! I am going to sneak out of work early today and go play with my son. Only 10 more minutes. Where has everyone been?
Toni, I am not sure what to say about the house, accept I will pray for God to give you a better one for a better price. Do you think you will stay in the same area or move far?
Well, only one more weekend until my man is home for good. That sounds so strange for me to say. What a miricle it is having him home.
Your all in my prayers. Hope all is as well as can be expected.

Love you all,

Janine

Hi everyone,
Hope this finds you all having a good week .
Janine i guess you are on the count down. I am so happy for you. Toni im sorry about your house, I will be keeping you in my prayers. Hope all went well in Dallas. I am on day 43 of my other half being in transit, its driving me crazy!!! I have heard from him and hes finding it tough and leaning on me. I have made the phonecalls ectra, i like banging my head against a brick wall!!! One day at a time and we will get there i guess. Well i guess on that note im going to go, you all take care
kay

We went to court today for his dumpster diving thing. They gave him two choices. 15 days in county and 3 years probation, or Prop 36. Prop 36 gives him the chance to NOT HAVE THIS SHOW UP ON HIS RECORD and he does 6 months drug counseling and UA's. He chose prop 36, he still can decide to take the 15 days if he wanted to.

This way is actually better for me.

God bless everyone
Kim

Hey, everybody. prop 36 sounds like the best choice. i am not doing the course in Dallas bcause It turns out i have carple tunnel and i am in a brace. things are okay. Johnny's unit is locked down. i am looking forward to moving. I don't know where, don't know what to do for a living, don't know a lot of stuff but i have faith that it's all for the best.
Take care everyone.
toni

Hi Everyone-

My husbands lawyer turned in the paper work for his appeal on 12/8 and said it should take about 3 or 4 months. I'm figuring it will probably take longer. I want to know if he has heard anything, but at this point I'm thinking no news is good news. I want to call but I don't want to be disappointed with a bunch of wells,maybes adn I don't knows. Should I wait alittle longer or bite the bullet and call?

Toni- Sorry you're going through this rough time. Just trust and beleive God will take care of you. How about signing up with a temporary service, or writing? What about a newspaper/tv station? You're good at that.

I am trying to get up from all this. I am not worried. I am upset at my body not cooperating with me. I have a 5 pound weight lifting restriction. Of course I lift more than that. I have to to even live. But that makes my old T.V. work hard because there is a lot to carry, Camera, tri-pod, batteries, tapes, light kits, and stuff and of course I could ask for help but that makes people feel upset so I know I would break down and lift something. I am thinking that the numb hand business might be an old cyst I got from a dog bite a few years ago instead of carple tunnel and I'm looking into that. I am also trying to find a place that I can move to and have my animals and stuff so I am taking steps to get things better. Johnny has been a big help keeping the letters coming. It will all work out. It always does. I just rather be a hard working big bucks woman instead of a brain trapped inside a body that is trying to be a pain all the feaking time. :) Anyway, enough of that stuff. No point. Johnny is doing okay. He is optimistic about parole and I am hoping he is right. He wrote for the newsletter this month and has been writing for the book and that is helping me a lot and us too.
Take care,
Toni

Hi guys,
Sounds like everyone is going through a tough time. My prayers are with each of you.

Toni, my husband had Carple tunnel before going into prison. He also wore braces on both arms until he needed surgery. He is fine now and has been for many years. Sorry to hear your going throgh that too, on top of everything else.

Kay, any news yet? I know the waiting is the hardest part. Just try to stay busy and the time will go by faster.

Kim,
Glad to hear from you, it had been a while. At least this won't go on his record. How is everything else between the two of you?

Rob,
I will keep the appeal in my prayers too. Remember Gods will, will be done.

Everyone,
I have great news!!! We found out last Friday that we are expecting an addition to our family. I am 6 weeks along and we are due November 18th. This is something I have wanted for many years now but felt cheated that I wasn't able to because of our cicumstances. We are very excited and feel very blessed from our Father above.

Take care,

Janine

Janine-

That is wonderful news!! Congratulations. You have truly been blessed. God can work miracles if we just continue to believe.

Thank you for your prayers. You're right, I'm leaveing it up to Gods will.

Hi everyone hope this finds you all doing okay.

Janine, wonderful news, i am just so happy for you both, many congratulations.

toni i hope you are doing better and things will work out.

I finally had some good news yesterday, Doug is finally out of transit after two months, i feel so relieved, like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. I slept pretty well last night,

Now i can make plans to try and go see him.

Well i need to go , work is calling

You all take care

Kay,
How far has your hubby been placed from you? Will you be able to visit often? So happy to hear your stress has been lessened. Baby steps will get you through these tough times.

Thanks for your good wishes to my family !!!

Janine

hey y'all i have just found this site and looking forward to being able to talk with someone just like me....its hard when your husband is locked up......your family dosnt understand...noone really understands unless thyey are in your shoes

janie i have been reading your post and ..i have to smile for you..my husband comes home in may he will be maxing out no strings attatched....we are so happy and counting the days we were not lucky enough for the half way house.....my husband has been there 16 years..i felt like the half way house would have been good for him...but georgia didnt think so....like toni says they are quick to scream "THE NATURE OF THE CRIME" our prayers are with you

Hi Karen,
Sooo happy for you and your husbands arrival home soon. WOW, 16 years. God bless you! I know it was tough, as it is for all of us going through this on the outside. Welcome to the sight and I look forward to corresponding with you.

Everyone,
Well, husband came home on Friday. They still have not approved his driving privledges. We live almost an hour away from his work and the 1/2 way house where he will have to check in twice a week for the next 2 months. I don't know what they expect him to do. When he left on Friday the counselor told him to go ahead and drive "but don't get caught!" Can you believe the system. They are telling him to break the law. Crazy!!! He did drive to work this morning though. Hope all goes well. It is so strange to sleep with someone in the house again. I wake up at the slightest of noises or rustles in the bed. I am not sleeping well either because of the pregnancy I think. My chest is awefully sore and I am used to sleeping on my stomach. I am not complaining though, just sharing. :-)

Take care!

Janine

Ladies, I did a stupid thing. My anger over his "head shoved up his butt" has gotten the best of me. We've been getting into actual fights...that I start. On the 16th he called the cops, they took us both to jail. Oh God jail sucks!!! My marriage, hell my sanity is in trouble. I have a brilliant mind I should never be stupid enough to give in to the anger within. He now wants counseling, as do I. I no longer trust him with our money. I am so fed up with our arguments, that I mostly ignore him. The arresting officer, My husband, and God came through for me. I got dismissed, and still have no record, but they tried to throw the book at bobby, then dismissed him when they realized they let the aggressor go home.

Ladies I know the 20's is when you learn about life... but why do I always have to learn the hard way? People older than me tell me what they did in life to try to give me a heads up, but I still have to do it my way.
I gotta go to work now. bye ladies.

janei it was wonderful seeing that your having a baby.....clay and i are planing a baby soon as he comes home also....it would have been so wonderful if i had come up on this website some years ago....i mean i have a circle of wives and girlfriends here......but sometimes it still dosnt seem like the circle is big enough....i didnt get to see my hubby this past weekend...so i spent most of the day crying......when i was at work the phone rang and all i heard was clays voice he said why are you crying....somehow he got a 3 way and called me at work....he always knows when i need him the most........
my thoughts and prayers are with all of yall...karen

HI everyone,
Hope this finds you all doing well.

How are things with you Janine? Good i hope.
Janine i live in the uk at present but hope to move over there soon. Havn"t posted for a while been a bit down but on the way up again! I was told my other half was out of transit and this wasnt the case so i went ahead and booked my plane ticket the bus ticket that end because i dont drive and accomadation only for two days later to find they had made a mistake and hes still in transit. He has been in transit at the same place though. Anyway im still coming out as its all in place and if he has moved once i get there i will worry about that then. I havnt seen him since november and i have been working and saving like mad to make it back. I miss him so much, Looking forward to getting some sunshine and warmth, its freezing and wet here.

You all take care

kay

Hello Everyone. I haven't posted in over a month I am keeping very busy to keep my mind off our situation.
Thanks Rob for encouraging words. My husband had 4 state jail 1 year charges that are supposed to be concurrent. Plus a TDCJ 2 year charge, he is in Texas. We have no idea when he will be released because the have screwed up some of his back time. It was supposed to be before Christmas 2004, but now we don't know. Plus he still has 3 more charges they haven't cleared up yet. It's all about getting your attorney in gear.
Janine it is nice to see that life can get back on track, thank you for being an inspiration.

Hey there all,

God bless each one of you!! Well, I am new to this website and wish I would have had things like this over 10 years ago when my journey with my incarcerated husband began. He is in prison for murder and has been there since I was 3 months pregnant with our son who is now 10 years old. We have both come along way in this journey. We have had the fights, seperations, and every other imaginable challenge. We have both finally come to a point of full surrender of our marriage, lives and each other into the hands of God. The best thing I ever did was release my husband and all the worries surrounding our situation to God.......it took me 10 years to figure out that releasing to Him was what he had been waiting for all along. Since I prayed for his release from my cares and gave God all the burdens I have been seeing break through after break through in my life. This is not an easy road, but giving it all over to God has made it a lot easier. I would encourage all of you to search your hearts and just release your incarcerated loved ones to Him, but not with just words. That means no more worrying, no more wondering, no more caring about what is going to happen. It is the most freedom that I have experienced during these 10 years. I hope you all too will decide to embrace the freedom and peace that can only come from God.
God Bless,
Tammy

well y'all its almost friday and around my house we look forward to friday as we prepare for the weekly journey to the prison.....its been a good week. i got a promotion on my job last week..and i was suposed to start the new position on wensday only to be told i was once again promoted without taking the other position...so i got 2 raises in a week...needless to say iam a happy camper.....and now i have much better hours and im off every weekend and clay only has 37 days!!!!!!!!!.......

Hi everybody, I've been reading your posts and it feels good to know that I'm not alone. I'm new here and this is my story...

My b/f is in prison in South Carolina and I live in New York City. We met through a friend and we fell in love. We were able to talk everyday for about awhile but he was taken to lock-up and now I can't talk to him until they let him back into general population. It's already been six weeks since I've heard from him and I miss him so much. I try to stay busy but the days are so hard without talking to him. No one seems to know when he'll get out of lock up and a friend of mine said when he was in prison he was once in lock up for eight months. I hope i don't have to wait that long to hear his voice again.

I miss him so much and I have no one to talk to and nowhere to turn. I cry every night... it just hurts so much. I don't know what to do. Everytime the phone rings i'm wishing it was him but it's never is. His friend keeps telling me that he's missing me as mush as I'm missing him. I know that's true but it still doesn't take away the pain.

So now I'm here crying on you ladies' shoulders. Please help me through this. He has at least a year left maybe more because they want to add another charge to his time. His lawyer says he can get him another year at the very most. He was already supposed to home in February. My heart is aching, please help me get through this. I would appreciate any support I get, I really need it. I'm leaving my email address so I home you ladies use it. I need some support from people who know what I'm going through. Thanks ladies. -Soni

Hi everyone,
Hope you had a good weekend. My husband was allowed to go to our son's Pine Wood Derby race on Saturday. It's so nice having him there for our son. All in all everything went well. Only 7 more weeks until he is a totally free man again. Just wanted to check in with everyone. We go for our first sonogram in 2 weeks. I am very excited and very naucious too! I welcome it though. Hope everyone is hanging in there. There IS light at the end of the tunnel. My husband and I are getting along great and there is much joy in our home. Of course there are some things to get used to having someone living in your space again after such a long time, but we are adjusting. My prayers are with you all.

Janine

Hey, Janine. I am so excited for you! Congratulations. I am so happy things are going good for you.
Kim, the one thing about learning the hard way is, if you survive you don't forget the lesson. I learned a lot of what I have learned the hard way. My 20's made me sure to make the rest of my life drama free. It will all work out if you make sure you protect yourself are honest in counseling and if you are kind to yourself. If you are that passionate then it is probably a good thing if you reduce the amount you are in the situation until you get a handle on it all. You can't make others do something no matter how much you want to make them do it. All you can control is yourself and your own sanity and situation. I know you know all that. I'm just worried about you.
Soni- just know it's all natural. I think we all go through it. It is grieving for the living. My husband has never been home as my husband, only has my childhood friend and I still find myself reaching for him in the night. The important thing is to make sure you get out, make sure you keep moving forward in your life.
I talked to a man who has been doing prison family help groups for a long time, I mean decades, and he surprized me by telling me the fact that I am losing my house, and that I am selling off my possessions is because families, sooner or later mimic the conditions their loved ones are incarcerated under, that we unconciously reduce our own lives to have less and less. Now, I am not sure if it is true. However, I do know that 8 years ago when I married my husband and friend of 35 years I had an acre of land,a 27 foot truck full of furnature, a new car and 2 kids and 4 dogs and 2 cats. Now, I am down to an old car, losing my home and have about 1/4th of the possessions. Now, I do have major health issues that contributed to my situation and I also know his incarceration the legal fight and all has contributed to my health going down hill, but I don't want to believe I am throwing it all alway to be in that cell with him. What do you think? I do think that I see an awful lot of women who do go into a cell with their mate, and do not go out, do not go to school, do not do anything except wait by the phone and for visiting hours and that is not healthy for them or their relationship because they resent the time lost when their loved one is home and wants to go out and leave them home or something. Anyway, all of us support each other. I am as big a crybaby as you will ever meet and as a friend and as a wife my total time waiting for my husband is 22 years. If you can't get hardened after that amount of time you just gotta have a shoulder to cry on. :)

Thank you Toni, Oddly enough, the blow out cooled down our tempers... I now walk away... cuz I'm not going back to the cement bed. We are talking, I've said sorry, and thank you. We are going to go bowling tomorrow night....Our first "date" in a while. I'm looking for a new job...it'll lessen the stress on my head. $12 hr to work at a funeral home, answering phones. It gets great benifits. Plus bonuses.

opps, gotta go...boss
Kim

Thank you Toni... I have found solace in reading the Bible. My heart is a lot calmer. I've put it all in God's hands, I know he'll take care of me.

Well I did not get that job, but I'm still looking around.
Soni, God does help... truly HE knows best.

BYe ladies

Hi everyone!!
I am also a new user of this site. I never even knew it exsisted. I am 19 in live in texas ive been with the love of my life for 4 years and for the past two years he has been locked up.I love him with all I have and write him letters atleast three times a week. I go visit him once a month because he is so far away. I miss him terribly. Recently Ive been having a hard time because even with him being locked up for two years now I still have my moments and recently there are nights I find my self crying and crying and feeling so alone like my world has fallen apart.No matter how many friends I have none of them seem to understand, they just havnt been through it. I guess somedays are just better than others. I guess the pain will never stop. Not until Im complete once again. I keep all of you in my heart, thoughts and prayers!!If you would like you can email me at Butterflygryl@aol.com or im me : Butterflygryl

Thanks Kim, sorry to hear about the job situation. I haven't had much luck either, I've been looking for a job for the past month. It's hard out there but I'll keep you and the other ladies in my prayers. Tammy Kelley, I totally understand as do all of the women here. If we're ever online at the same time I'll IM you... it always helps when you can talk to someone who understands. Take care ladies and stay positive this will only make us stronger!!!

i havent written in a few months i have news i have been going to schoole and im doing great i have found somthing im actully good at. it has been a hard 2 years for me ever since jeremy was taken away and finnally there is good news they are moving him from eastern oregon to portland wich is only 1 hour from me i will finnally be abel to see im and touch him i cant wait my daughter will actully be abel to get to now her father i know this will be great for all of us so we can get to now each other he has onle met his daughter once wich has been hard for all of us i am so greatfull to all of you. you are a HUGE support system for other weman like me excpeionaly when my family and friends are totally unsupportive well thank you so much everyone

Cheyanne! Great news! I'm so happy for your family. That will help a lot. I hope everyone else is doing okay. I am plugging along. I think that maybe I am finally going to be getting better medical attention and maybe I get get well and get up again and make some waves in this life. :) Johnny is doing a lot better and hopefully everything will keep getting better. I am hoping that I find a place in East Texas that is dirt cheap so I can move to a greener place to prepare for Johnny to hopefully parole. If not, I will have to move to Arizona and while I love it there, being so far away from Johnny and the girls would hurt.
Take care,
Toni

hey y'all......i just checked in to catch up with everyone...welcome all the new faces.....we are doing good here in georgia just counting down the days until my hubby comes home we are with in the 30 day mark now!!!! soon will be the adjustments.....hes been locked up 16 years.....things have changed in 16 years.....yes toni sometimes we reduce ourselves to a cell also...i have done it.....i still take him through my whole day with me...i carry a pad and pen everywhere i write down our lives.....mine and the children......and i send him a letter everyday.....it keeps us connected....cos you know with the prison life you cant always have phone service for them to call.....we thank god for the us mail....

hi this is my first time writing and boy am i glad i finally found a site where i could get some support. As of right now my fiancee is in jail in minnesota waiting for wisconsin to get him he was on parole and violated his parole and is now awaiting his date which is still unknown to see the judje to find out if he is going to be revoked and sent back to prison. I have never gone through any of this before and i have so many emotions going through my head i am scared for him and for me i love hi mso much and i will stand by him no matter what, the problem now is am back at home with my parents who disapprove of my fiancee and everything that is going on which makes it even harder for me. I am not sure what i can do to help mark my fiancee and i am so scared anyone who can help me with this please e-mail me because i think its prolly easier to e-mail back and forth then try to find this site again...i am going to try to find it again also do any of you know a chat room where i could talk with people or anyone have yahoo messenger and care to chat back and forth it would be a lot of help for me if i could talk to someone else who has been there and actually knows what i am going through...thanx for your time....my e-mail is green_goodgirl2001@yahoo.com if anyone cares to e-mail me back once again thanx for listening to me.
steph

Hello everyone it's me niely I haven't posted for quite a while but i'm here just wanting to say Hello I hope everyone is doing okay as for me you should all know since we all go through this there is days that I feel I can't go on anymore then there is days I feel and know I have to be strong because he needs me as well as my daughters. I miss him so much sometimes i get scared I haven't talk to him for about three weeks there was a riot at the prison and they are on lock down besides I haven't even gotten any notice of my approval to go visit him. My girls and I haven't seen him since October and having even been able to at list hold his hand for more than a year. I pray To God so I can see him soonI want him to see our little one who is now 13 months old and of course our seven year old. well you guys take care and God bless you all.

Hello Everyone,
I just wanted to write and say hi :) I heard from the love of my life yesterday and he is doing good. He lost his i.d so doesnt know when he will be able to make it to comminsary. Im hoping its soon because I dont want him to run out of stamps and enevelopes. I would do anything to have him here with me but I guess you cant always get what you want, huh!! Ive been doing better though and keeping my mind occupied. I found that when I keep a tablet with me and write him when Im sad, or lonely or just bored it makes me feel closer to him . Hes actually been getting alot of letters from me but Im sure he dont mind!!I hope that everyone is doing good. I will keep all of you in my heart, thoughts and prayers. Good night!!

G'mornin all
Happy Monday to ya! What a beautiful weekend it was here. Sunny skies, working in the yard, out to dinner with my husband. Everything is right in the world now. I love Spring. All is well at the home front. Only 6 more weeks until my honey is off the books and free to do what ever we wish. I am planning a vacation for us at the end of the summer. Can't wait to take him with us this year. He helped coach our son's football team on Saturday. So much fun to be a family again.
Janine

Hi, everyone. Hey, someone e-mailed me about a parole packet deal I put together. Since I have to go to a public arena to access my website I didn't have it with me. Now that I have the powerpoint on parole packets I can't find the ladies e-mail. Iknow it was Hushdarling but don't remember the rest. If you know her or she is reading this if she e-mails me again I will send it to her. Sorry about that.
Johnny is having a very hard time. He has witnessed yet another death in his hospice care giving capacity and a third man is ill and dying. I think it is all to easy for him to feel that being his fate, to die in prison because he was talking to me about not dragging me through this any more again. I told him I wasn't being dragged through it that it was my choice and he was my pleasure and while prison sucks it is worth it to be in love with him.
Hope everyone is doing okay. So Janine, are you going to name your child after me? Ha ha.
Good things and smiles to everyone.
OH, P.S. I am going to be at the restorative justice convention in Dallas on the 16th and 17th in Dallas and in New York on June 6th giving a talk. If only I could keep my utilities on and my plumbing working I would be doing okay. Take care,
toni

I am glad to have come upom this site. Reuben and I have been together for over 4 years now, and we just got our marriage liscence and certificate on March 26th 2004. On April 2nd we got in a fight and he bashed my head in. He mopped up all the blood and then he took off. He is still on the run but says that he is going to turn himself into his parolle officer on Tuesday. Which I look forward to because it is easier to know that he is actully in prison than him being out and not with him, not knowing what he is doing. We lived in California, which is where he still is and will be incarcerated (again ) but my family is in Canada and they wanted me to come back here, so now we are separated by countries too. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He needs help. His Uncle, his only family in CA is blaming me for this. He says that he won't live through this and that the system will be unfair because he is a black man abusing a white woman and they will do everything they can to him. He says that he will come out of the prison in a body bag because they will kill him in there. He said I messed up his life and that I will never see him again. He told me he bets his life on it. I know that this is not what God wants for us and above all it is His voice that needs to be the clearest sound I hear. Thanx for listening, amd please e-mail if up to it @ nikismith727@hotmail.com

Hi Nikki-

Welcome to the site hopefully to can find some solace here. But I have to ask....you still want to be with someone who bashed your head in, first and for most. Then cleaned up the blood and left. I am not judging your situation, because Lord knows none of us can judge here. But please think of yourself. If it happened once it can happen again. And tell me how you messed up his life? What did you do to deserve this treatment. I know you love him, but please think long and hard about committing to this. I hope you're not offend, just giving you food for thought.

Thanx Rob, and no offense taken. I know it does not add up, Why would I still want to be with someone who treats me the way he did. I am now thinking of myself, that is why I left California, and came to Canada. I am already committed..... so now all I know is that I have work to do on myself and he will have years to sit and work on himself now too. He was arrested yesterday night for "infliction causing injury upon spouse". This is the begginning of a very intense journey and I am sure while I now work my program in my life I will grow to a place where I will not allow this abuse in my life. As for the moment, it is still uncomfortable to put myself first, before him or baby. And I know I didn't deserve what I got, that is just his ignorant family wanting to place the blame somewhere, and really they do know that me and the family we have together is the best thing he has ever had in his life, they just don't want to admitt that this too is a result of their loved one's drug problems and destructive lifestyle. They are mad that I called the cops and told me that they would have beat me even worse. God give me strength. Thanks for the food for thought, I will eat it.

I am concerned too Nikki. You are obviously an articulate and intellegent woman. I support what ever decision you make however, I would really encourage you to attend a Survivors of Domestic Violence program if for nobody's sake but to prove to yourself that I have no need to be worried for you. I hope you recognize that your love is not the only person abusing you in this situation His family is also abusing you by blaming you. It is called blaming the victim. I know, I have, in my time, been a victim and a survivor of long term abuse AFTER I divorced and had a protective order. This occured long before I married my current husband. It is often easier to blame someone than to accept that the person who is doing the assualting had a choice before they laid a hand on you. If you think I am being too pushy or you don't belong in a group, (I did by the way...) then so be it. I was not a weak woman. I was not a servant to my former spouse. I was as opinionated and as financially secure as anyone you would want to meet but over night my relaitionship turned violent. Now I realize it didn't happen over night but it was a slow process I had excused for too long.
Loving a man in cage is hard. If loving your man while he is in a cage is easier then do it if you must however I encourage you to think long and hard about why you must do this.

Hey, I am so glad things are going in a positive direction Nikki. I wrote the above post prior to your post but it didn't get posted until after you wrote back. Seems we were on the same page. Weird that that happened. I hope all is well.
As for an update on my life. The University of Texas at Austin turned down my proposal for a community class for the families of the incarcerated saying, "It didn't meet the needs of their target market." They didn't tell me who the target market was or if incarceration was not an issue with these folks or how they knew. So much for a liberal education. Heavy sigh. I seem like I am beating my head against the wall trying to get our issues to be recognized as a mainstream topic. I have been working on a prisoner family manifesto as to how to make that happen but sometimes I wonder if it is ever going to happen. I have it on good authority that the new discrimination on the horizon is going to be not based on race or creed or color or sexual orientation but it will be the "Haves" and the "Have nots" and so that is why I feel that our families issues must be heard because if the country doesn't end their discrimination against people on parole then we are doomed to be "have nots" and that concerns me. On a personal note in spite of my efforts my situation seems to be in decline. I am attending a restorative Justice conference in Dallas this week and maybe it will make a difference financially. Johnny is very worried that he will come up for parole and we will be without a home. I hope everyone is doing great. It got warmer today which is great. It snowed yesterday. Janine, how's the baby?
take care,
Toni

hi yall, so whats up , i posted a letter but i was on the book review i thought i was on hear man its been a long time, so what do yall thank about that parole lawyer paul A Hample i wish someone new something about him thats who we are getting and he is 2400.man he better be good. if he can get him out he will be good i will let yall no if he pulls it off ,i sure hope so i am trying to find someone that has used him but no luck , well yall i will talk to yall tomarro the baby is crying he needs to take a nap yall take care and stay strong misty

Niki here again..... not in as good as spirit as last time... I am taking time away I came to visit some family and I looked on the computer early this afternoon to see that Reuben has been released!!!!! Tustin PD told me they take DM calls very seriously and now looks like they think it is a joke. I felt so much better knowing that he was locked up than how I feel now. His Parole officer said his release was a mistake, that Orange County does not joke around with the severity of our case. Well now look! What is this? I love him but this is not right. Anybody heard of this before?

Nikki--If I sound firm it is because I've been in your shoes and I'm worried. Please accept anything I say in that spirit. I care. All, I know about domestic violence is they should call it by it's right name, assault and battery, and all the other names. In my case, and it went on for about 10 years after my divoce hard and heavy, and a few years after that to a lesser degree, is that it seemed that he could do what ever he wanted to me and to my girls, in California and in New Mexico and in Arizona and in Texas. I was in hiding for the first 7 years and he could find me for 25 dollars and my social security number. I had 3 protective orders and when the police were called they didn't arrest him. It was crazy. I would, if I were you, do everything you can when it comes to the police but plan on protecting yourself and looking out for yourself. I had to protect my kids on my own for 17 years and he was relentless. I have heard of people being released by accident. My inlaws are from Orange County and I am a Californian waiting out our incarceration in Texas. Just never meet him in a private place...EVER. If he wants to come in the house. Don't even open the door. If you ever, show one sign of compassion toward your spouse the cops will not protect you. I know that first hand. In the beginning, I was hopeful that he would realize he did wrong, get counseling, and change. Ha ha. Because of that I would wrongly trust him, or because of total abject fear, I would get closer to him trying to handle the situation on my own. One time I called 911 and he broke the phone in two and had his hands around my neck and his eyes were glowing red and I thought, "I'm going to die. The only thing I can do is not give him the satisfaction of showing fear so I was looking at him, had my hands around his arms and I could feel his heart pounding and the police knocked on the door. I had not made a sound because I was worried about waking the children and them seeing me be harmed or die but 911 did a trace on the phone. They took him out, didn't arrest him, and he was back the next day trying to "Get me to go back to him, Bit__h! " the next day. My only recommendation is that you make sure you keep a diary of everything, make sure you report everything, make sure you take advantage of domestic violence groups and things because otherwise it is very easy for a manipulative person to use any sign of kindness as an example of you trying to get back with them, you trying to get them in trouble, or something like that. You keep your chin up. It eventually ends. Mine took over a decade and a half and him getting married to someone else but it does end. 90% of women are killed by someone they know and spousal murder is the number one cause of death in pregnant women so you can't afford not to protect yourself. The deal is YOU MUST BE FIRST AND FORMOST IN YOUR OWN CORNER AND PROTECTING YOUR PHYSICAL SELF. YOUR HEART IS BIG AND BECAUSE OF THAT IT CAN MISLEAD YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE.
Please, if you need me, I am at prisoners_of_love@yahoo.com. I am going out of town today to try and sell some of my books but I might check in and out on my e-mail or on the website. I am concerned about you. Please know you are not alone.
Take care and God Bless!
Toni

Hey, Misty. It's nice to hear from you again. I got the message from the book review section too. I get a post any time something is submitted. :) I think the Bar association is a good resource for finding out who is a good lawyer. You can ask if there have been any complaints. The other folks that might know are the folks at the Texas Inmate Family Association. I don't personally know. I am so darn low budget that I couldn't afford an attorney for Johnny. We are still waiting on the DNA stuff. I am trying to move to your neck of the woods pending JOhnny's release when we can move to the East Coast. If you see any half standing homes on a piece of property let me know. I am about to get a nerve conductivity test on my hand. I am typing with two numb fingers and then I am headed to Dallas. I sure wish we could meet someday. Keep strong. About the letter JOhnny wrote for the newsletter, yeah, if he would have only told me how he felt up front I wouldn't have gotten bent out of shape. I think, to be honest, since the girls have grown up and I am alone or with strangers most of the time I have become even more sensitive to little things. Plus, it's been over a year since the parole denial and I am still very raw and sad about it.
Take care,
Toni

Hi guys,
Hope everyone is doing well. Took my husband to hospital yesterday for day surgery for a problem he had been suffering with for the last 5 years since he went 'in'. The doctor had given him medicine last week and his pain and problem was gone. He couldn't believe it. He went anyway for day surgery to find out everything was cleared up with the prescribed cream he was given last week. Pisses me off that he could have been curred years ago if the stupid system had bothered to give him something that worked!!! I count my blessings though everything is OK. They also told him twice in prison that he had Hepititus. Turns out he doesn't!!!! Praise God. The federal system is a joke! He has been stressing over this for over a year now to find out it was a lie. GEEEEZE! Toying with peoples lives the way they do just amazes me.
Baby and I are doing fine. learning to live with the morning sickness. Saw my babies first picture on Monday with my first sonogram. Didn't look like much but we were excited anyway. Good heart beat and healthy the doc said. PTL
Nice to hear from you Misty. Where have you been?
Talk to ya'll later!

Janine

hey y'all just checkin in...we got 16 days.!!!!!yes were excited.....our prayers are with you here in ga toni...and as i exspressed before we have recomended your book for reading to the savhana state criminal justice students....we are workin hard in ga.....chat soon..karen

Hi everyone, this is my first time writing, although I have read many of your posts when I get to a computer. I met my fiancee, 2 1/2 years ago, the past 2 years he has been incarcerated in a county jail here in Indiana on a Class B and 2 Class C felonies, still hasnt been convicted due to many continuances and attorney changes. he also has a prior record and had spent time in prison. I love him with all my heart and have been very supportive of him since day one, money on his books weekly, 500 dollar phone bills monthly, never missed a visit, and send him mail daily. And now he tells me he has decided he wants to be alone for awhile, just because I wont do a task for him that could get me in trouble. I know deep down oinside he is just saying this to try to manipulate me, but it still hurts. I have never dealt with anyone that has been incarcerated before, and I find myself pulling away from the world, from my friends who really dont understand why I stay with him but I do feel he is my soulmate. Any advice as to what to do and how to stay strong through these crazy times.
I swear sometimes I feel so alone and wonder why I let myself grieve so much. This is truly the most horrible experience of my life, and it doesnt even get any easier, but I know in my heart I will never leave him, never stop loving him. But I quess it looks like he is leaving me. Thanks for the ear.
Rose

Hi Rose,
I am a wife of an inmate and I agree that your husband is probably trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. My advice to you is to ask God for strength for you and your husband while you wait for him. I now understand that being behind bars is frustrating and can and will make you say and do things unintentionally. So, if you plan to continue to stand by him, the both of you have to trust that God will work things out but in His timing. Keep the faith and never doubt.

Rose,
If he wants to play those games let him! I find it so hard to believe that these men in prison feel as though they can manipulate us on the outside. Does he not realize where he is and how much he should be grateful for you! Your story is not the first I have heard like this. I met many women during waiting in line for visits that were being manipulated also, so your not alone. Your dedication to him by paying these outrageous phone bills, never missing a visit, and mail daily, I commend you! I couldn't find it in me to do all of these things along with every day life while my husband was in for 5 years. He understood though and loved me anyway. We visited when we could financially and around our son's sports and Scouts schedules. I sent money when he needed it but he didn't ask otherwise. Our phone bill never went over $100.00 because my husband knew that would be a burden on me. He should have more respect for you and your dedication to him than to play games with you. Rose, you do what is right and don't get into any trouble, see where it got him. He should be ashamed of himself to ask you to do something to get you in trouble. Has he not learned his lesson. Sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to. Keep focussed on doing the right thing and surviving on the outside. He will see his wrong doing in time. You may or may not be around to see it though. You should be treated like a queen!

Hi ladies,
hope this finds you all doing fine. I have just got back from seeing my other half for the first time in six months and it was so good to see him.
Trying to save for the next trip now. Didnt manage to get a contact visit on a technicality, they said even though it was approved because he is stuck in transit that over ruled the original decision. Pending transfer equals glass visit, it sucked but there was nothing to be done. Hopefully he will be out of transit soon its been just short off 4 months now that he has been in transit. I never found out that we couldnt get our contact visits till the day i got there and he never knew until they brought him to visitation. We did manage to get a photo taken which was great. Things have been real tough lately like they are for most of us but i feel lifted now.

Janine glad to hear you are doing well, hope the morning sickness doesnt last long. Reading your posts well for me its a boost. You and your family take care.

Well i guess im going to go work calls

you all take care

kay

Karen,
Wow, I didn't realize it was so close for you! You must be busten' at the seams!!!

Kay,
Glad you got to see your man. I am confused about these contact visits? Is that a conjucal (sp?) visit? How in the world does that work? I have often wondered? Can anyone shead some light on this for me. We were NEVER allowed conjucal visits in the 5 years he was in. I think it's because he was in federal not state.

Well we started to clear out the office to make it a baby's room over the weekend. We accumulate so much junk over the years. Anyway, it will take a few more weekends just to clear out everything so we can start decorating. Very excited though. Went to some garage sales over the weekend and scored some good stuff though.

Gota go. Take care everyone!!!

Hi, gals! How are you doing? I agree with Janine on the manipulation thing. I just have seen so many good women burned by selfishness however, I do know that they are being pumped up on testosterone and surrounded by other selfish people and so that old adage, "Those with the least power try to exercise it the most" holds true.
Thanks in Georgia! My husband, and I are struggling a long with the rest of you and this 22nd year feels like a beating on an already down person.
I only sold one book at the convention that cost me 400.00 to attend. Heavy sigh, oh, and one was stolen too so I guess I technically reached 2 people and I gave away 10 to people who might benefit from a better understanding of our situaiton and be able to help better.
Of course there were a few people there who were too limited to be of help to anyone and decided beating me up with their limited knowledge was a good thing to do. I bled a little emotionally but I survived. I am considering stoping everything and giving up because like my daughter says, "It's like you have the cure for a disease and a lot of sick people are around you and doctors and nobody wants the cure." I don't think it's that important but I do think that what we've learned can help if people wanted help.
Anyway, I feel pretty down today. More than I have felt in a long time.
Take care ladies.

Hi Everyone-

Hope all is well. I'm alittle bummed because my husbands "petition for appeal" was denied. Now his PD says he filed papers to demand an oral argument. That should take another 2 or 3months before we get a date. My husband was really down about it. But it wrote him a nice letter and that seemed to help. He thanks me for continually "saving" him. I told him we can't lose our focus, even though it's hard. How is it that we (collectively) get through this stuff?

Toni-
How is the hand? Feeling any better? I know I don't have the money for a lawyer. If I did things wouldn't have turned out the way they did initially. Can you find someone to maybe do the work pro bono to help your husband? Who's going to look over the DNA stuff?

Janine-
I'm sooooooooo happy to hear that things are going well for you and your family. Does/did your husband have a hard time adjusting to the outside world? I don't know why this has been on my mind lately, mine has another 3yrs to go. Anyway, keep posting. Your story continually gives me hope and strength to continue on.

Hi, Rob, my hand is still numb. I don't have carple tunnel, they gave me the darn test for it and have no idea why the fingers are not feeling. They are chocking it up to the lupus or arthritis because that stuff throws doctors for a loop all the time. Who knows. I am getting used to operating with no feeling or weird feeling so I am not doing so bad with it any more. It hurts but not like it did, I've adjusted.
Johnny was given a court appointed attorney finally. I don't know what the deal is because now it is taking a while just to get to the testing again. I expect Johnny will parole before he gets the DNA testing. Johnny was his worst enemy in the situation. He gave up on telling them the truth and just started going a long with their scenario and the only chance we have is that no real evidence was submitted at trial. It was a mistrial and then another trial back to back with only a pre-typed confession that he signed because they told him they would let the girl that was with him go if he did, well, it was a woman, she was 26 and he was 19 and turned 20 in prison. But neither of us have much hope left. Johnny is like, "I must of done it right? Because they don't put innocent men in prison right?" and that doesn't help him. It makes people doubt him but he gets so frustrated. I have heard him take the blame for crimes committed before his birth in moments of frustration. I know that frustration too. But that's life, we gotta make the best of it. Johnny is helping people in Hospice care in the infirmary and we work together to help make things better for people in our shoes, even the guards in training and stuff and that kind of keeps us off focusing on our own frustrations. You take care, Oh, and Rob, maybe I can see you in June as I drive up or down the coast.

Toni

hi yall how is everyony today. my day was not to good but sometimes that happens like they say (shit happens) toni that would be cool for you to move down hear its nice i like it and i would be able to help you with your yard, i live in a little town called gladewater have you ever heard of it its little and as for the parole lawyer i sent him the money and my husband called me and told me not to get the lawyer so that saved me 2400 but now i am worried that he will not make it without the lawyer the lawyer said he would send me the money back that was nice of him it would be nice if are husbands were in the same prison we could drive up their together man its a long drive logan goes to sleep, marcus ended up in houstin he is in a med unit, but its not a bad one thank god well i better go i have to cook dinner(chines) yummie ladys yall stay strong and good luck to all lord knows we need it hi janine nice to hear from you to sorry,it been so long working and writing marcus and raising 2 kids its a mess out hear , yall take care misty

Hey Toni-

It would be wonderful to meet you. Let me know when you'll be in VA, you can crash with me if I'm not out of your way.

Hi guys,
To answer your question Rob. From everything we were told before his homecoming and everything I read it said he would have a difficult time. If you were to ask me, I say he is adjusting very well. My husband is very passive though and doesn't seem to let much bother him. He may be having more trouble adjusting than he is letting on. I know he can't seem to find enough time to do all the things he wants to. But really who can? What I mean by that is he so surprised that when he gets home from work that it is close to time to settle in and go to bed. I suppose he had soooo much time on his hands for 5 years the pressures of 'real' life are smothering him. I am always off to football practice or Cub Scouts or pulling a side job for extra cash. Being he can't leave the house when he wants to yet he feels guilty that I am still working 2 jobs too. I am used to it though. The morning sickness has slowed me down some though for sure. As far as him being in public around people I don't see where he has had any problem with that. He has mentioned that he isn't used to seeing so many women. Hehehehe! Surprised that so many people had cell phones too. When he first came home he wouldn't turn off lights after leaving the room and he still leaves doors open when going outside. Drives me crazy!!! Never puts the seat down anymore on the toilet either. I suppose these are things he never had to do for the last 5 years so I am trying to adjust and remind him nicely. Kinda cute to watch him at times when we go somewhere new. He is embracing it all with open arms though. He says there are quiet moments in the truck with just him and his son and he doesn't know what to say. He said it is kinda strange. I just told him to start tickling him when that happens and they can laugh together.
Well, everyone have a great day.

Hello again, I thank everyone for your input. I wish I could say things have gotten better from my last post, but they havent. All I know is his words can be so harsh, but Im not ready to throw in the towel yet, just a bit dissapointrd as I thought are love was so deep, so real. So much for thinking huh? Well I wish everyone lots of luck and happiness, and believe the good Lord will bless us all. Rose

Hi everyone, this is my first post. My fiancee was just sentenced to life in California under the 3 strikes law. I envy those of you who see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have become a hermit. I go to work, come home and watch tv. I've done this since he was arrested in September 2003. I just feel sick and unhappy all the time. I have committed myself to staying with him for life, because that was our plan, and I could never leave him all alone in such a disgusting place. His family has deserted him, so he has only me. I hope to find a way for us to bring ourselves closer to God, and to make some sort of a life together.

Hey everyone,
Been awhile since I have posted but wanted to give an update. My husband has been incarcerated for 11 years with 23 more to go although we do not receive that because we serve an awesome and mighty God.
God has begun to move me into ministry. Our church has started a new program called the X-Men Ministry for guys getting out of prison. We will help to establish them spiritual, physically, mentally and emotionally. We are now going to be expanding the ministry for include the X-Women Ministry for women gettting out of prison. My vision is to see this program expand into a support group for famililes like all of us that are left behind due to incarceration. It has taken me a better part of the 11 years to realize that the best way to deal with the absence of my husband is to fill the void with positive things and reaching out to others. Trust me I still come across many challenges, but my faith and trust are in God......there is no other way to survive this. I pray you all will find your purpose in each of your own journeys. God created us all with a purpose and once you find that purpose hold on to it and press into it. Be blessed in all you do.
Love in Christ,
Tammy

I reached out to Tammy, and she responded. I am not ready to do anything but catch my breath yet, but I have no doubt her aspirations are heartfelt and will be successful.

Hi Ladies

I read daily any new posts, but it has been a few weeks since I have had anything I have wanted to share. Today is my day. I have been trying to locate my husband, and having no luck. I call family and friends and it is hard to believe that anything anyone is saying is true. Feeling alone. God give me strength. Today, I cry. I called the California board of Corrections and found out that my husband is in Chino. We live in OC California, but I am Canadian, so I am not really sure where abouts everything is around here, or where he is. I am so thankful that God, all along is in control. I finally know where he is after 22 days. I am dying here. I am glad I can go to church tomorrow morning. The church I go to is really alive. Life. And while looking around for info regarding Chino prison, I found a site called released ministries. These people go into Chino! I wrote an e-mail asking them to personally meet with my husband. So I am waiting on that. This is big for me. He was on the run for a long time. And I don't know ifit is against his parole to contact me now because of the DV charge, so I am figuring that is why he hasn't called, along with the fact that he is not in a state that he wants me to be a part of right now. I am rambling. Sorry. Thanks for listening. Anyone else's husband in Chino? I don't no anything about it. I am a baby to the system. Especially American, I am a foreigner. God Bless you all. I pray that everyday we all have a testimony of life and it's purpose.
Niki

Nikki,
I am not from California but Illinois, but I did want to just encourage you to be strong. Look to God for your strength. He will be a strong tower. A place for you to seek shelter, love, peace, joy, happiness, and eternal life. My husband has been in for 11 years and it is not easy. I will never be one to say that it is easy. It's hard, it hurts, it's lonely, and it has been some of the darkest years of my life, but you know what.......it all happened for a reason. I want to be able to encourage and support and give advice to women that have been abandonned to incarceration. So, God is taking what was meant for bad and turning it into good. I don't know if you have heard of Joyce Meyers but I would highly recommend her books and tapes and other resources. She is a down to earth don't beat around the bush type of teacher. Her ministry is what drew me to God and I soak in as much of her teaching as I can. Well, I could give you a list of to do' and not to do's but that is not going to change your situation. What can change your situation is your decision to be strong and press forward. My prayers are with you and your husband. God Bless, Tammy

Hi everyone! This is my first time here, I've been reading everyone's messages and I have found them interesting. I didn't realize there were so many people in my situation...having a husband in prison is a terrifying experience but ladies, trust me. It does get a little easier, but you'll always feel lonley.
Take good care of all those precious little Munchkins out there...you're mom AND dad to them. They're counting on you to be strong.

Hi everyone,
I pray you had a good weekend. I went and slept on a real battleship in Houston with the Cub Scouts and my son of course. It was interesting to say the least. Uncomfortable too, but hey you do these things for your kids. My husband would have gone but he won't be off the 1/2 way house until May 21st. I did enjoy the experience but won't be doing it again now that my man is back in the picture. Only 3 1/2 weeks to go until he is off the books. He will still have 5 years probation but that's nothing compared to where we came from. My heart goes out to you women out there as I read your posts. It can only take me back to when my husband was far away and out of touch. I almost feel guilty posting anymore because he is home and life is good again. I think of you all often though. There is hope at the end of the tunnel. I am living proof. They wanted to give my husband 25-life originally. He was sentenced to 9 years in a federal facility and with a lot of prayer, letters to DA's, attorneys, etc. he was released early and only served 5 1/2 years. PTL
Tammy- I admire your steadfastness to believe in our Lord Jesus Christ, you are not accepting the sentence handed down. You are a warrior! Keep the faith!!!

Janine

Hey everyone, Just checking in. I haven't been around for a while. Things are a lot better now though. My love is out of lock up and doing very well. I speak to him three times a week and I am planning to go down South to see him. I also got a job on weekends (not quite what I wanted but better than nothing). I just got back from a family vacation to Disney World... it as ok but there was some family drama and of course I was missing him. Anyway, things are as good as they can be right now. We're deeply in love and he's there when I need him, so life is good. I have finals next week, pray for me!!!

Hey there ladies,

Just wanted to give a big thank you to Janine. Your encouragement means a lot to me.
Encouragement is an important tool in any trial and I would just encourage all of you to keep lifting one another up. We do not have to settle for the hand that life has dealt us. Their is a God who would encourage us to seek a better way, to ask for grace and mercy, and to knock on doors and share our experiences. When we put our best foot forward we can count on God being there to clear the path for us.

I have not heard from my hubby in quite some time and after going through this for 11 years I have learned that these times of silence are not always a bad thing. I just continue to send him updates on our daily lives and cheerful cards or comics or whatever else I find that makes me think of him. It is hard not hearing from him because I wonder what is going on in his head, but I have learned to release these worries along with my husband to God and he always works it out for good.
Keep pressing onward and upward ladies. We will all find victory in our lives.

Love in Christ,
Tammy

Hi everyone, hope everyone is prospering, even in the smallest things.A new twist in my journey I am taking.... I have decided to move back across the countrys.On the 5th of April I decided to move from our home in California back to my family in Canada. I did this because I needed to breathe. I needed to step aside from the decision and breathe. I thought that by coming over here and being surrounded by family and such good friends they are just like family, that I would be comfortable, and want to build life out here, in my home country. Well, I have been here for over 3 weeks now, and I decided to purchase my ticket back to California. Although Reuben is incarcerated, and for who knows how long right now, we have no idea, I am going to march on with my life. I would have never chosen OC CA if it was not for him, but he was not the only reason that I was moving on to the next chapter of my life. I could stay here, and be in extreme comfort. I have a beautiful condo, family and good things in my life. I got a call from a salon out here who has received my resume and wants to take me on right away. They called just 14 minutes before I was leaving to get my ticket. The timing! Although I am fully aware that life will be a lot harder out there then it would be for me here, but I do not want to sell myself short of the experience. I am going to be living with a Christain lady and her family. It won't be my own place, but I will have my own space and I can work under the table with her. Again, not ideal, but often it is worth doing the things that we don't want to do in order to get what we want. Like working crazy 2 jobs because our husband is in prison and we need to keep things together. When you wake up in the morning and you are excited that you get to be you in life, all the hard decisions and tough work pays off. I have made the promise to myself that I will take care of myself. Not just in some ways, but in all. I leave on the 12th. So keep me in thought. I am off to great places, today is my day. My journey is waiting, so I'm on my way.

Hi, Niki here again. I am suddenly remembering that if you do not bend, you break. I just talked to Reuben's parole officer, and I really did not enjoy the conversation. He said that Reuben will have a no contact order with me when he gets out of prison. FOR AS LONG AS HE IS ON PAROLE! That is years away we are talking about! Can they do that? He said Reuben could fill out some forms when he does get out to try and change that, and that it is his right to do so, but there is nothing I can do he said. His charge is within Domestic Violence, but they might not even charge him for that, right now he is incarcerated for a parole violation and that could be up to a year. I think it is crazy that they can say we can have NO contact until he is off parole. I am not going to settle with this. I was asking the parole officer about us getting some counselling together when he gets out, and he still said no. I know that at least some of you have had a similar experience.... so someone has got to know something. Now I am going bananas here. All in one day! I bought the unrefundable ticket to CA, sold my furniture, and put an add in to sell this place! I said to God as soon as I got off the phone with parole, I might have made a mistake, but please don't give up on me. This will be hard. And harder than I thought.

Nikki,

I really believe that God is trying to close some doors and lead you down a different path. Maybe you need to re-evaluate some of the decisions that you have made or are in the process of making. If there is one thing that I have learned is that if it is meant for me to do something than the struggle will not be one that would bring fear, intimidation, confusion, or any other negative things. I am not saying that the right decisions will be easy either, but I know that they will not be acccompanied by such negative results. I really think you need to take time to sit down and truly just get into a quiet place with notebook and pen and begin to write all the negatives and positives of where you have been, where you are now, and what decisions are ahead of you.

Tammy

Good advice Tammy!

Hi, everyone, glad to see everyone talking and keeping things going. I tried to move to Dallas and get a job and instead had a lupus flair up and my daughter had an allergic reaction to hormones and nearly died from a headache and dehydration which required an ambulance, catscan and spinal she is doing better and is at home. I came back to Amarillo to visit my husband. Things are stressed there because I am stressed beyond recognition. I am posting something to a thread about getting prison family issues into the mainstream and I would like, if you are bored to view it and give me some feed back on it okay?
Take care,
toni

Hey I am new!! My husband of 3 years has been behind bars for over 2 months now and is waiting to be sentenced to prison. I am so scared because he is looking up to 15-39 years in prison. We also have a 14 month old son together. I just so wished things werent like this at all but I know this has saved my husbands life!! I hope to received some support because I truly don't have no support at all. Its my husband & me and our son. No one from his family cares and my parents want to help him but they don't want me to stay with him at all. I feel so abandoned and alone and depressed!! I miss my husband so much!

Anonymous,
I can completely relate to what you are going through and what is yet to come. I have also truly done this walk completely alone except for God. My dad and step mom disowned me 11 years ago when he found out I was pregnant by a man going to prison for murder and to top it off I am white and he is black. My mom and step dad who only live an hour for me have never been able to be any kind of support for me because of alcholism and domestic violence. I talk with my mom sometimes via email but no support system. My husbands family ......well his mom livs in Arizona and I live in Illinois and my husband and his mom were never very close. I think I have talked to her 5 times in 11 years. All of the friends we knew have since vanished guess we were no longer a benefit to them.I turned to the church when he first went in but my intentions were to find a preacher that would marry us while he was incarcerated and awaiting trial. Well, needless to say no preacher would do that so I took it to the courts and the same judge who ended up sentencing him to 80 years was the judge who married us 7 days before I gave birth to our son. Two of my girlfriends came with me and one even took pictures. The funny thing is our wedding photos did not turn out because she forgot to turn on the flash. So I got a bunch of black pictures. Picture our wedding day. The bride standing there in a white maternity shirt and maternity pants ready to pop. In walks her groom with his grooms man on each side of him (oh yeah those were the guards). He is wearing a green jumpsuit with shakles and handcuffs. We are led through the vows by a judge and allowed a brief hands off kiss at the end of the ceremony and he is then escorted to his new home and I leave with my girlfriends, no husband, no reception, and no honeymoon. Seven days later I give birth to our son........alone. I spent several years in and out of the church and it wasn't until about 4 years ago that God grabbed my heart and I began to develop a relationship with Him. Things have not been easy over the years and I truly believe the only thing that kept me sane was God and his purpose for me to help other women in my situation. I could go on and on about all the things that have happened in my 11 year journey. I would encourage you to read Toni's book Prisoners of Love. It is a very transparent story of her walk that serves others in our situation as a road map and how to guide. I wish I would have discovered this kind of support years ago. I would be more than happy to correspond with you via email if you would like to email me you can click on my name above and it will activate the email window. The most important thing I could tell you is that you are not in this alone.

God Bless,
Tammy English

Hello Ladies,

Well, as I shared earlier in my post I have 11 years of waiting, doing time, being in limbo, or shall we call it what it really is......BONDAGE!! See what I have come to realize is that we have been deceived, lied to and because we are emotionally wired creatures we fell for it hook, line and sinker. Now I am not speaking to the women who see a light at the end of the tunnel......say anything less than 5-7 years. I am speaking to those women who don't see a light and rely on blinding love, mis-led hope and false faith. We and our children are being robbed........robbed of a life, a future, happiness, and all the other blessings that come with the freedom God intended for each and everyone of us to have. Yeah I know the bible says we are to stay married for ever through thick and thin, but let me share something with you that a well respected pastor shared with me......
Romans 6:16 (paraphrased). Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves (in bondage) to the one whom you obey.

We are in a sense slaves (in bondage) to our husbands or fiancees that are incarcerated, because we allow our selves to be obedient to guilt, to shame, to fear........fear of being alone, fear of not knowing any other way, fear of what others would say.

We have put ourselves here and the result.....well, you could take the time and begin to read the posts from the ladies above where you will find one heartbreaking story after another. After 11 years of different changes in my life both good and bad I realize that God has been trying for years to get my attention and I have not listened because I wanted to hang on.......I wanted stand firm......I was gonna have faith in God moving mountains. Guess what that is all fine and good......nothing wrong with faith, but we make it all so hard. More than anything God wants us to be set free from all bondages because it is only when those chains drop that God is able to lift us up to a higher level. He has been reaching his hands out to me for years and I am finally ready to break free from the bondage in my life and that is my marriage to my husband. He will always hold a special place in my heart and I pray God will prepare his heart and that we can remain on good terms. See my divorce does not mean I am going to forget him.We are commanded not to forget those behind bars. I am going to move onward and upward and I am going to grab the tail of His garment with my faith in His promise to me.....God told me that He would never leave me nor forsake me........that is the promise I hold on to.

God Bless,
Tammy

Tammy,
What a change of heart from your other posts. I can't say that I blame you though. Not sure really what to say but that I pray the Lord is guiding you in your decision, as I am sure you have already taken into consideration. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Janine

Janine,

God works in mysterious ways. In this case he set me up to free me. As I had talked about before I have begun to get involved in an outreach ministry to men getting out of prison with hopes to expand it to the women and ultimately the families of those incarcerated. Standing by my husband has been something I have struggled with for years. I have prayed about it, sought council, and just waited on the Lord. Just recently God used my involvement in this ministry to bring to light the bondage I had put myself into. See my husband has a solid 23 years left to do with no possibility of parol. I have waited for 11 years already. God has really brought forth revelation in scripture after scripture about His main goal for us.......to set us free from ALL bondages. I am not living in a marriage that God intended for me to be in. Trust me this is the hardest decision I have ever had to make, but I know that this is the Lord's will for my life. I know I was purposed to help other women and children in my situation, but how could I truly help them to be released from their bondages when I am in bondage. I really believe that this is going to open the door for God to use me greatly. I would ask that for all you who pray to keep us in your prayers.

God Bless,
Tammy

Tammy,
I am glad to hear you feel set free. My perspective, and mine alone of course, is that waiting 34 years for a life you should have had already is inconceivable. I am pleased to hear you feel set free. I am sure your husband can't help but understand your reasoning. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Any kids yet? You could still have a 2nd chance at a new life. My prayers go out to you and your family. I know this must be hard for you.

Janine

Janine,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Your timing could not be better. This decision is really trying to beat me up emotionally, but I will not let it. I am however having a hard time writing my husband "The Letter." I am also finding out that filing for a divorce is quite costly. I am not sure if anyone knows anything about divorcing an inmate but any advice would be helpful.

I am 34 years old and I have a 10 year old boy who I was 3 months pregnant with when my husband went to prison. I am looking so forward to a new beginning and really believe I will see the breakthrough in my life that God has been longing to give me once I break this covenant with my husband. One thing I have come to learn is that God is a covenant keeping God and when we make covenants (promises) before Him he is obligated to honor those. My marriage (covenant) was not in God's will and bound God from being able to take my life and use it for the purpose that he created me for. I think my biggest message to other women in any situation that is planning on getting married is to seek God first, Godly council second, and the God again.

I really do appreciate your support and ask for your prayers with a humbled heart.

God Bless,
Tammy

Hi, everybody. I'm back in Amarillo. Wow,lots has changed with you Tammy. I think that for you it is obviously the right decision. I don't know your financial situation but the local legal assistance places usually do the work for free. There are very low cost ways to divorce if the custody thing doesn't get in the way. You can even file the paperwork yourself and it is the same as divorcing anyone because they have the same legal rights as the rest of us in this area.
As far as all of us being in Bondage who have long sentences I don't think that is true unless the person feels like they are in bondage. If you feel like you are missing out, if you feel life would be better without this covenant then I guess you are in bondage. I don't feel like I am in bondage to my husband and have his blessing to leave at any time. In fact, the way my life is going because of my health and financial situation if it weren't for my promise to him I might take a far more distructive and radical view of life and my options so in essance he tempures my metal and helps me keep going forward in life. I think a lot of women feel that way. I do not promote relationships with liars, people who manipulate, or dominate a person's life to the point they are slaves. While I do believe we are prisoners too I don't feel like we are slaves. There is a saying, "Show me who you love and I will tell you who you are." My husband is a lot of things, not just a prisoner. He is responsible for my girls mended hearts and strong minds, and a lot of my successes because of his support. God ordains all of us in different ways and it is beyond my ability to know God's will but I do know that people need to be free. That is a basic human right and the moment I feel like I am not free to do what I need to do to feel free then I will make the adjustments I need to make to feel free.
In my case my problems are not created or related to my husband except for the stress that prison puts on all those who are faced with it. I educated myself, have freedom of movement, go out with friends, love my family, attend church where and when I want, and push forward and grow and still my life is very hard, but it would not be made better without being my husband's wife. Those who know me know that to be true.
So, I guess I am saying, I am in your corner 100% but don't want to be grouped in the "we" who are in bondage because I don't feel slavish devotion to a situation but as an equally yolked partner to a man whom I adore. I would, leave if I thought it wasn't the right thing for me to do and I think faith is important for all of us in this situation.
I have met at least 8-9 men whom I know had life sentences whom have changed their lives, even a couple from death row, and who are now free and doing good work so faith is not wrongly placed in every situation. Guilt isn't one of my motivators but love is and I love very strongly and we did ask the Great Spirit for our love to be protected and blessed. I do agree counsel with God is important. I have less, a whole lot less faith in the wisdom of those who preach for a living they are men and women who try to listen to God just like the rest of us and often hear their inner voice just as loudly. Personal opinion, not meant to sway. I have witnessed a lot of agendas be pushed forward from behind the pulpit, agendas that didn't ring true to the voice I hear in my heart, so I weight what they say as the words of man. I think that we all have to go down the path we need to go down to reach the place we need to be with our without a free mate or any mate at all. I know all the pain I have endured in my life has worked to help me help others and given me the understanding I needed to be a better person. I wouldn't trade any of it, or any of what prison has taught me for anything because I know that it made me who I am and I will hang on to my husband, my life long friend as a precious gift that affirms my belief in God.
Take care,

Oh, its me again. I am making plans for the trip to New York to speak in June. I think I am going to stop speaking publically on the topic. I feel pretty much like I am wasting my time. I think when the student is ready the teacher will appear and I'm not the teacher or the student isn't ready. LOL. Anyway, I am going to use the time to bond with my oldest daughter who will drive with me. I can visit our old home in Georgia and visit friends up and down the East Coast along the 2 week journey. Have Volvo and tent, will travel.
Tammy,
I hope all is well for you. I feel like things will be good. If your husband is like mine he will encourage you to divorce him. My husband thought he was going to get proved innocent when we got married. I did too but I am pragmatic so I said yes to a life sentence. What? HOw is that pragmatic? Well, If I couldn't love all the way, I wouldn't waste my time. You know? Anyway, I think it will work out for the best. There are on-line sources of divorce too that I forgot. I helped a friend divorce an inmate husband and she did it all over the computer on a site I found.
take care,
Toni

Tammy,
I agree with Toni, the cost and process to divorce an inmate is fairly easy. They can't protest anything because they don't have civilian rights. I say that and it sounds harsh but that is the reality of it. There was a time I had peaked into the information myself but by the grace of God never proceeded.
Toni,
I marvel at your commitment to your husband. I don't think I could ever be as strong as you are. Sorry to hear your not going to speak in public any longer. I have a hard time believing that there is not enough people in our possition to listen to your words. It must be out of embarasement or shutting their minds to the facts of their existance. Did that make sense? I think you know what I mean. I know I didn't want anyone to know in the very beginning. What would people think, how would my son be treated, the looks, etc.
OOPS, dind't notice the time. Have a great weekend.

Janine

Hi ladies, hope everyone is doing well. I have a "prison term" question. Reuben is in Chino prison in California. He is located in the reception center. Generally, is there no phones for the inmates to use while in the reception center? When he was in Wasco State prison last year while in the reception center there was no phone for personal use available for the inmates. Just wondering if that is usually how it is until they are moved around in there. Thanks for the help, Niki

Niki, yes, there are no phones at reception. My fiancee is at Wasco now. Our communication is stalled by the mail lag time as well. His letters get to me in a couple days, but mine to him take 10-12 days. It doesn't help that he has been moved and the cell number keeps changing, but it sure is frustrating.

Thanks Alison, I was going through a lot wondering why he wasn't calling, and then after a few weeks it dawned on me that he might not have access to a phone, and today, I have just received an e-mail from the Pastor from Released Ministries who goes into Wasco and Chino throughout the week. I had asked him to meet my husband personally, and yesterday he tried, but he said he was not able to see him because Reuben's area is on a secure lock down right now. I feel relieved. I will be arriving back in California on Friday the 15th, I thought I would be able to visit him the next day, but by the looks of it, not for a while. Anyways, thanks again.

And if anyone is up to transformation..... devote 40 days to reading the book titled : "The purpose driven life". By Rick Warren. I am only on day 8 and I am never going to look back. Trust me, you'll never regret it.

Niki

Hi ladies...i thst everyone is doing well, emotionally,physically, spiratually and financially.My fiance will be sentenced in a federal court on th 20th and i'm scared to death...i'm 26 years old and i have 3 children to raise...i don't know what i'll do if he gets 10-15 years..i'm trying to follow my heart and god's plan...i just don't know if that involves marriage anymore...but i can't even IMAGINE loving another man the way i love him

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!

Arynn,
Not sure if you have read my posts or not but I was 26 when my boyfriend was sentenced to 9 years in federal. We married soon before he went in so I would have legal rights to his son from a previous marriage, and he had just turned 5 when he went in. Through much heartache, confusion, and faith in my Lord, I have made it and my husband has just returned home after only having to serve 5 1/2 years. Keep the faith girl, do what you feel is right in your heart. I was certain at sentencing I was going to wait for the love of my life. Soon after loosing my Mother 3 1/2 years into the sentence I was uncertain what I wanted in my marriage. I stuck it out though and feel very blessed that I did. We have a good outlook on our future and are expecting our first baby together. Don't give up! Good things can still happen for you and him.

ladies,

i can't believe i found a website like this. my husband had been gone for almost 2 years and i always felt like i was the only women with a husband in prison. after reading the messages i feel so much better and not alone. my husband goes up for parole again this august. if anyone has any suggestions for writing parole letters please let me know.

Hi ladies,
Hope this finds you all in the best of spirits and doing well.

Janine hope you are keeping well and no morning sickness.

Toni hope things are good with you. In the summer i will be up in Amarillo for a few weeks and was wondering if you are still there then do you fancy meeting up?

Myself i have been doing okay, just trying to juggle to much like the rest of you im sure. Im wondering if any of you have any suggestions on the situation i am going to try and explain. My other hakf has been in transit since 28 jan this year and despite both of us trying many avenues to try and get him out of transit we have had no luck and worse than this we cant see any possibility of him getting out of it soon. He has done over a 100 days now, 100 days, no work, no rec and no fresh air, just out of his cell for 5 minutes to shower. He is up for parole next year so the timing is awful. Its like he says he feels like he is being punished for something he hasnt done. There have been others there in transit for a long time but no where near as long as him . I am so worried he tries to keep posotive but...On the plus side i am getting lots of letters but i have to reply!!! not really i have always wrote 3 or 4 times a week. I love my man so much and would appreciate any ideas. Cant see the woods for the trees right now.

well you all take care best wishes always

kay

Hi, Guys! Well, apparently I am not in charge of my own life. Of course, I knew that, but you gotta try huh? Since telling you I wouldn't speak again I got another invite in Boston for 17-20th of June so I guess I will speak. I guess I just won't devote any time to trying to get engagements because the constant rejection is actually worse than auditions because this is something involving my heart and real life, not just a part. Also, I have a job interview in Dallas as a direct marketing writer. You know, Junk mail. If I got the job, I could save my house and move down there and get some stability. My fear is my health but writing I bet, I can do from home if I have to. I was dancing twice a week to kind of build myself up but one time a vein broke in my eye and the next time I had an asthma attack so I guess I will have to do something less stressful, even though I love dancing. :) I am waiting for my car insurance card so I can get my car tags and then I am off to Dallas.
I would love to meet you when you are in Amarillo. I like meeting folks from the website because there is so much of my life that doesn't need to be explained away. Because I am fully aware that it is considered madness to love someone who is prison but love him I do so why run away from facts you know? Oh, here they are way short of prison guards. They approached me about thinking about it. I am about to lose my house so, beggers can't be choosers, you know? I am going on a tour of the prison tonight but I am praying one of the other jobs comes trough. I think that being a guard would be not a good fit for me, not because of me but because the people in gray might not trust me and the people in white might wrongly think I would turn a blind eye to wrong doing and if I didn't Johnny might be in the cross fire but I will go to the tour anyway because I have my animals and my friend/room mate to think about and they will all be wandering the earth with me if I don't pull this puppy out of a tail spin. :)
I want to read the purpose driven life and actually picked it up and then though, mmmm, no food, better put it back and get some dog food. :)
I probably won't be on the message board for a couple of days or so. Take care. I am so glad I have friends like you guys.
Take care,
Toni

Howdy!
All is well. My husband is completely out of the 1/2 way house next Friday! HOLY MOLY! Can't beleive the nightmare is almost over. What a freakin' journey. Morning sickness has started to subside, I suppose. The allergies here in central Texas are some of the worst all over the country. Therefore it is hard for me to tell now if is morning sickness or allergies giving me the these awful headaches and nausea.
Kay,
My husband was in transit for... I think about 6 weeks and it was because they were waiting for a bed to open up in a prison (semi) near us. Turns out near is considered 5 hours away. I am sure if he was willing to go further they wouldn't have kept him in transit so long. Not sure if your willing to let him go further but it would get him out of transit and then he can put in for another transfer once he has a bed. Sorry I don't have better info for you.
Toni,
Your not meant to quit speaking girl. The people you are reaching need to hear what you have to say.

Your all in my prayers!

Janine

Hi you all,

Great news janine, nearly there now. I am so happy for you. Janine Doug is happy to go anywhere so we really cant say why he has got stuck in transit so long. He is twelve hours from home so he really couldnt get much further away anyway, shouldnt say that!!. Really be glad when this ordeal is over.
Toni im glad you are still doing your speaking, good luck with your job

best wishes to you all

kay

Hi, well, so far no word on the job. I did tour the prison. It was and eye opener and I had my eyes open already. It was weird walking where Johnny walks, seeing what he sees, looking up and seeing fence,looking everywhere and seeing fence and gates and things and then going into the infirmary and seeing my husband's writing on a sign that read, "It isn't what a man has that makes him happy it is what he makes of it." which is something he does, puts positive thinking stuff up where people can see it. It was just really traumatic and the answer is that I can not work in a prison, not security anyway, I feel the pain of everyone involved, not just the prisoners and not just the guards and but both groups and the victims and well, it would be too darn much for me. I am having to move out within the next few weeks. The good news is I am having a lot of not for pay movie work which is better than sitting at home freaking out which is what I do a lot when I don't know what to do.
I hope all is well,
take care,
Toni

Hi ladies..... hope everyone is prospering. I am in a situation right now that I would like an "outsider looking in" opinion on. Reuben, my husband who is incarcerated in California's Chino prison and I were living in CA before he went into Chino in April. On the 5th of April, I moved back to Canada, as I have family here and I am legal. Our incident happened on the 2nd of April, so I definatly left in a hurry, which is a decision I feel I regret. Not long after I got here in Canada, I decided to go back to California. I had a family from the church willing to help me out when I got there, and I was ready to go, or so I thought. I was at the US border this past Wednesday, and I was denied entry. It was terrible! I was awake for 30 hours by the time I reached the border, and I did not take the news so well. I did however, decide that maybe my denial of entry had something to do with God. I thought, God opens doors no man can shut and closes doors no man can open. Today is Monday. I was okay with my decision for the last few days, thinking that I would not see Reuben at all for the next 2 years. ( He will not be able to see me when he is out on parole for a year ) And his sentence right now as it looks, is 12 months. I had an interviw today, started getting things around here to be "normal". And then, I called out to CA, and talked to the people from the church. They were really worried about me. The lady I am to stay with said that she would write the letter for the border officials to explain that I will be staying with her for this amount of time, attending this church, and coming back on this date. ( They wanted that at the border ) And Reuben thinks I am already there, as we can only communicate through letters, and the last one I sent him explains that I will be there on the 15th of May. I am so torn. Our reality is that he will serve his time, 12 months, or more, then he will be on parolle, and unable to see me for a year or so. Really, if I do go, I can be closer to him now because I will be able to visit him while he is in custody, but upon his release, no physical contact, just phone and mail. I would be illegeal, and if I was caugt over there, I would be deported and possibly never allowed to enter America again. I would have no family or friends, and working at whatever I could. OR, I could stay here, I pay 200$ for rent on this condo, I can work legitamately, health care, family, friends, saving everything I can so when 2 years does come up, I am prepared. Then we can do our paper work and I can become legal. Just if I do it that way, I don't get to see the man in my life who makes me know how precious life is. I am an intelligent woman, my heart is big and it gets in my way sometimes. I feel like I am answering my own questions, because the concequences are so great if I do go to the US now, and what I will get is to see Reuben a couple times a month for a half hour, and a whole lot of hardship. Any comments are appreciated, I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

Niki Harris

Hi Niki-

I believe you've answered the question yourself, but in my humble "opinion" you should stay in Canada. Though it may be painful not being able to see him, you can still communicate via letters and calls. Being in Canada you have a job, friends and a place to live...in short you have stability. You can get alot done in two years to prepare for your future together. Going back to CA now is not wise. No job, family and worst you may run into legal problems of your own. See God knows what is best, and everything happens in his time and for a reason. We have to be patient and wait on God for direction. He's telling you what to do but your trying to go about it another way. See that's how we run into trouble, we try to rush into things thinking we know best. If I recall there has been some domestic violence? You both need this time apart to work on yourselves. You can not continue down that path of destruction. Pray for peace and strength and everything will work out.

Peace and Blessings

Thank you Rob.

Yeah, Niki, I think you did the right thing too. I know it is difficult and it won't feel wonderful but a whole lot worse could happen otherwise.
I got word I will not have a home in 4-6 weeks so I am packing up and I am going to move my stuff before I go to the East Coast. I will be in Amarillo off and on because Johnny is here but I think I am going to be living in Dallas by sometime this summer. They are giving land away in a place called Groom,Texas up here in the panhandle but I don't think I want to live up here any more. I like the urban thang anyway. Either that or the forest like when I lived in Flagstaff. I miss that a lot. Johnny is happy that I will be in the big city again. There are a whole lot of unanswered questions on what my future will hold but like Niki I am sure it will happen when it is suppposed to happen.
Hope all is well with everyone.
Take care,
Toni

Hi Toni-

I'm sorry to hear you'll be losing your home soon. I pray that you are truly ok. How far is Dallas from your husband? Something is going to work out, I'm sure of it. How far are you from Wichita Falls? I have a cousin out there who's in the same perdictament we are. Are you coming through VA on your way to the East Coast?

Hi, Rob,I'm about 200 miles from Witchita Falls and I drive through there on the way to and from Dallas. It is 386 miles from Johnny if I move down there and only 9 miles now. I used to ride my bike out to the prison to visit him when my car was broken. Before I knew Lupus and sun don't mix too well. :) Anyway, the deal is that there are so many more opportunities for me down there, in film and television and writing and education. Plus my kids are down there. However, I don't even have the money to get a van to move my stuff anywhere let alone down there. I just seem to be in a pickle. Ever sense my health went it is like all my exits have been cut off. The good news is most often I look healthy no matter how bad I feel so I am still looking for employment here and there and everywhere. I got the Groom land give away packet and will try for that so my animals and I might get a place to land. If they would have sent Johnny home it would have saved my bacon when I got sick but without him I have kind of had a hard time. No point in dwelling on that. What will happen will happen and I won't be without shelter but I like to be my own boss and being in someone elses home kind of limits my personal freedom and well, I am a free needing human being.
I am going to be in Virginia between the6th and the 17th. That is going to be a God thing because I don't have the money to get around town let alone across the country. But that is taken care of.
Things will be okay. It is just that every once in a while I stop being strong and have to cry and worry and stuff and then I get back up and keep on going. I have the education to get a job and just need a flex time or ADA type of job where my frequent illness can be worked around.
The good thing is I am getting to start over again. Clean sweeps can be very good things.
Take care,
Toni

Toni,
Have you ever stopped long enough to seek what is the root of all the problems that you have been having. If you are truly a Free Needing human being than take time alone with God and let him show you what would truly set you into a path of freedom in your life..........you might be surprised at His answer.

A concerned friend

Thanks anonymous. I do and I will continue. Things will work out, they always do. Take care everyone.

Just checking in. Anyone heard from Misty lately? I miss her. Some things are coming together here and I am pretty excited and hopeful and that will make my transition to my new and better life that much easier.
Take care and have a good weekend, happy visitation to anyone who gets to visit. :)

This message may be premature but I did not know where else to post. My husband goes to sentencing on Wednesday and may have to serve time. What did you ladies tell your children when your husbands went to prison? My son is 5 and I am struggling with what to tell him if he does have to go. I'm trying to stay positive but I like to be prepared just in case. Thanks for your support.

Virgina,
My son was also 5 when his father went away. We told him the complete truth. Was it easy? No, it was one of the hardest things we ever did. He did understand that daddy broke the rules though and had to be punished. Pray before you do it and God will lead you to tell him the best way.

Rob, do you really want to get together for lunch or something when I am in your neck of the woods? If so, please e-mail me your phone number. I will be in Virginia on 4 different occasions while I am over there and while I do have friends in your fair state it would be very cool to meet you. I have a job interview in Georgia for a job in Texas as well as everything else I am doing.
Things are going good here.
Take care,
Toni

Hey Toni-

Sure I'd love to meet you. I live in Northern Va., and work in D.C. Yeah we can do lunch, dinner whatever. I'll send you the number.

I hope everyone else is doing ok.

Cool beans! I gave birth in D.C. once. :) When I was a little big shot I was in D.C. all the time. I love it there. Things are going good. I am going to concerntrate on what is going right. I am putting together my film crew so as soon as I move back to Dallas I can do that in snippits and I worked all weekend on my new book and it is getting close to finished. I have found homes for most of my dogs and cats and am packed up close to done and I am looking forward to the future. Any day above ground is a good day. :)
Take care,
Toni

Hello everyone,

First, I would like to say that all of you are VERY strong! I admire you all for that. I’m a 24 yr. Old female from the DC area and my fiancé got sentenced last week to 2 yrs. I know 2 years is not that long for some, but it’s VERY long for me. I love this man so much. I have been through this (boyfriends getting locked up) since I was 16yrs. old. When I was 16 yrs. Old, my 17yr. Old boyfriend was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Of course we agreed that we would only be friends so that I could continue on with my life and find someone else to fulfill my needs. Ever since then though, every guy I meet ends up going in. But by me being so young and not really having a commitment to the boyfriends then, it wasn’t really a problem for me to just move on and find another one, and just link back up with the old one when he came home. But since this is the man that I plan to spend the rest of my life with, it makes every thing different this time. No longer can I play around (nor do I want to). I am going to remain true to him. This is my future husband and I won’t let him get away! So, I guess what I need is some advice from you all on how to be patient and get through this tough time. When I came upon this site, I thought, this is so good! Now I know I have people whom I can talk to and can relate. Any advice from you guys would be greatly appreciated, thanks!

Greetings to all..My name is Andrea and I'm so happy to find ya'll..My fiance has been gone since Feb on a 4 yr sentence..Compared to some thats not bad..But in our own its hard..I'm new to this and to finally find others who have been and still going through is a relief..I don't really have anyone who understands and my family isnt supportive..To have support for me when I(we) give so much to our loved ones is nice..My fiance is about 2.5 hrs away, but he doesnt want me to drive that alone and his family downs him for his mistake yet they do pretty much the same things..We have actually gotten closer since he was sentenced if that makes sense..Just reading some of what we all have been, going through helps.Just know that things have a way of working out, keeping busy w/the kids has really helped,yes one income has made for some challenges,but in the long run, it has made me a stronger person and has shown me that he is the man i truly love and will continue to stand by him..I'm so glad to have found ya'll....

Hi Andrea, this is Tracy, the one that posted above yours. I agree with you. We all go through trials and tribulations in our lives, and it definitely makes us stronger. My finace has taught me a lot while he was out here, and will continue to teach me how to be a strong woman while he’s in. He always says “what don’t kill you can only make you stronger”. I haven’t even told my family yet, just because I don’t want them to worry about me, but I know when/if I do decide to tell them, they will understand. But you now have all of us to help you get through this. Your family will come around, this is just not something that they are used to and change, especially if it isn’t for the better, is always hard to deal with at first, but it gets better!! Hang in there! Stay strong!!

HEY TRACY...YES, CHANGE IS HARD..THE BIGGEST OBSTACLE WE HAVE IS THE RACE W/MY PARENTS...BUT AS I TOLD THEM, I CANT HELP WHO I FELL IN LOVE WITH...HE TALKED ABOUT LEAVING ME FOR THAT REASON..I JUST WANT HIM TO KNOW HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO ME AND THAT IM GONNA BE HERE...WE DONT VISIT OFTEN, 3 TIMES SINCE FEB...BEEN A LITTLE ADJUSTMENT AND SO FAR SO GOOD...HE HAS VERY BAD MOOD SWINGS AND I TRY NOT TO TAKE THEM PERSONAL BUT SOMETIMES ITS SO HARD...HE HAS TOLD ME THAT I MAKE HIS TIME HARDER AND EASIER...EVERY TIME HE CALLS HE ASKS IF HIS PEOPLE HAVE CALLED AND EVERYTIME I HAVE 2 TELL HIM NO AND THAT REALLY TEARS ME UP...BUT, WE ARE ADJUSTING..HE IS IN A TRANSIT UNIT,THE WAITING GAME,HES READY TO BE MOVED SO HE CAN GET A JOB, GET HIS DAYS ROLLING FASTER ETC...PLUS HES HAD SO MANY CELL MATES AND THEY ARE BEING MOVED BEFORE HIM EVEN THOUGH HES BEEN THERE LONGER...HES GETTING FRUSTRATED..WELL, GONNA GO FOR NOW...HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH EVERYONE..

Hi everyone,
Hope this finds you all doing well. Andrea i know what you are going through on the transit front. My man finally got out of transit status at the end of may after being put in transit end of january. When he was in transit people were coming and going all around him and that really brought him down. keeping his spirits up was hard but we got there in the end. There are some really nice people on this site and its great to be able to talk with people who understand and dont judge. Hi to you as well tracy. I keep going by staying busy and writting lits of letters.
Well i need to go now. Hope all is well with you toni and that janine is doing great as well.

kay

Hello All,
Just checking in with everyone. Been a little slow on the site lately. Where is everyone? All is well with us. I am now 4 1/2 months along in my pregnancy and all is well. We are putting our house up for sale and praying to get something larger before baby gets here. Everything seems to be falling right into place for us. Praise God!!! Something I thought would never happen - seemed to far off and now it's here. I want you all to know that my husband prays for all the men 'behind the wall' every night when we say our prayers. That includes all of your men too! May Gods will be done in all of our lives. My prayers are with all of you! Have a good weekend.

Janine

Hi, everyone. I just wanted you to know we made it to NY safely. It rained the whole trip and camping out kind of sucked. It is the first visit (with Johnny) I will miss this trip and I am already feeling the strain but I think he is getting a visit on his end so it should be good. I give my talk in a few hours. I have a few days to goof around over here on the East Coast and will go to DC and Virginia and New England if gas and money permit. Right now I am playing it all by ear. I am glad I am going to be an aunt in 4 1/2 months. Hee. Okay Janine, so I am attaching myself to your family. I have no siblings of my own although I had begged my mom to adopt Johnny when we were little. Thank goodness that didn't come to pass or I would be married to my brother.
It is pretty obvious how I cope with the time between my husband and I. I just keep busy and travel and write and experince as much of life as I can, educated myself up and try to make each moment count for the both of us.
Take care,
Toni

Auntie Toni, I like that. Welcome to the family!

Janine

Hi everyone, hope you all are doing well. I found out today that my husband is in the same prison as Charles Manson in California. When he told me, I thought maybe just told him that, but no, I looked on the computer myself, and sure enough it is true. I know it is terrible in prison, no matter which one you are at, but he is obviously in one of the worst if he is in there with Mr. Manson himself. God give me strength. I pray Reuben comes out alive. God Bless, Niki

I sure wish I would have found this site sooner. I'm out searching the internet today looking for someone who has been where I'm at. Much as family and friends love us they can't understand what it is like. I don't even think my man knows what it's like being on the outside, time standing still.

One would think that this would be the happiest time in my life. My man's out .... the problem is he's in Oklahoma, I'm in Tennessee. I've waited 4 1/2 years for him. He says we will be together and I believe him. But the day he walked out the gates I wasn't there; not enough notice. I feel like I've been cheated; cheated from the dreams I've been holding onto for all these years; to be the one waiting for him when he walked out a free man. Also cheated of being with him when he re-experienced life.

His life changed so much that day, but my life remains the same, except .... worse, he's out and I can't be with him. Not yet; the ball is in his court now to make that happen. I'm just so scared and I dont' feel like I can talk to him. I go see him in 10 days. I guess I'll know them.

sgoddard38
Well first of all... Congratulations on him being out. Sorry things didn't go as well as you planned but the good news is he is out! Right?!?
How long has he been out with out you? Did it just happen? Will you be with him from now on after your 10 days of waiting?
My husband just came home months ago after being 'in' for 5 years. It's no bed of roses to reconnect and get used to each other again. Quite frustrating to be honest with you. They are so used to EVERYTHING being done for them that it is overwhelming for them that they have to...take boy to school, turn out lights behind them, close doors, find child care, pump gas, drive, get license, reconnect, go to the store, house cleaning, make appointments and remember them! Just to name a few of the things my husband has been overwhelmed by. I don't know why I am shocked that he can't get into the swing of things easier. I am a very organized person and it is frustrating for me for him to seem to forget everything so easily. When I think about it, I do understand though. Patience for both of us is necessary. Good luck on your reunion!

Good morning. My name is Shawn; the one who posted by sgoddard38. Thanks Janine for your response. After I found this website yesterday and made my post; I took some time and read all of the posts from 2004. I sure wish I would have found this site 4 years ago. My husband Lance has been out 2 weeks today. I am SO happy for him; for us. It's just so heartbreaking not being with him after waiting so long for him to be out. We plan on him moving here as soon as he get stuff taken care of in Oklahoma. But in the meantime my life still sits here on hold; only different now.

I've been praying hard for God to give us the strength to keep hanging on. I know somewhere deep in my heart that this might be for the best; this gives him some time to re-adjust to the outside world; to take care of things that happened as a result of him being locked up and all that.

I know it's totally selfish on my part; but I don't want to wait any more; I feel so left out of those things and want so much to be a part of them.

Since reading everyone's post I feel like I know you all. My thoughts and prayer are with each and everyone of you. Even though Lance is out; I'm sure I'll be spending alot of time here. Just talking to people that understand what it's like helps more then anything else.

Take care all ....

Shawn

Kim,
Where are you? Is everything going ok? Been thinking about ya girl!
Shawn,
I bet it is heartbreaking not being with him. Once some time passes it will seem as though you were always together though. I know that doesn't help now. When they first let my husband out I found his innocense to the outside world cute but I think my husband found it demeaning. Possibly it is better for your man to have these few weeks to try to adjust with out you. God's timing, right?
Auntie Toni,
How is your trip going? Hope all is well

Hope everyone is doing well... Rob? Nikki?Kay? Andrea?

Janine,

You are so right; God's timing. I know he has a plan for both of us and I have faith that this is his will and I have to accept that. Before Lance got arrested he was a man that accepted nothing from nobody. He took care of his own and that's just the way it was. Being in prison he had to ask for help; to accept peoples grace and that was so hard for him to do. Now he has a chance to get things taken care of; on his own. Which will give him some pride again in himself. It's amazing how the tables have turned since he walked out the doors. Now I'm the one calling him; hoping he'll answer the phone and wondering where is at when he doesn't. And in return his in the real world; handling every day life and it's challenges. It sure has brought some appreciation on both parts as to where the other one was at during those years. I am thanking God everyday for giving us the opportunity to see each other next weekend (8 days !!) But knowing after 3 days I'll have to leave. Leaving him and coming back alone; it's going to be so hard. Pray for us and the weekend we have ahead please.

Thanks for lending an ear. God bless you.
Shawn

Shawn,
I remember the excitement of it only being days away. It wasn't that far back for me. I will keep you in my prayers for a long weekend visit. It will be wonderful. How long until you have to wait to see him again?

janine

Hi Gang-

Welcome to all the new people on the site. As you already know, it's comforting to be able to talk to people who can relate to your situation.

Hi Janine-
I'm still here thanks for asking. I'm so glad to hear things are going well for you. It's wonderful to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Tell me...is the wait harder or the re-connection? Sometimes I think him being away is the easy part. Gosh it's already been 41/2 months?? You're halfway there. Remember to do all the things you're supposed to do. Oh..how are we going to be able to throw you a shower??..=).

Hey Toni-
Are you still coming through VA.? I haven't heard from you, but it's good to know that you and your daughter are doing ok.

Has anyone heard from Kim Dukes? I haven't seen here in awhile

Janine,

I was reading the earlier posts about your husband getting out. It's so exciting and so scary all at the same time. After next weekend I'm not sure how long till we see each other again. Probably the middle to the end of July. It's so expensive flying between Nashville and Oklahoma, my car won't make the trip. My brother gave us this trip as a gift; as he put it "You all have been to hell and back and you deserve to see each other" gift. Without that I would probably be walking the 800 miles. :)

I miss the letters full of all the romatic stuff a woman loves to hear. All those nights of dreaming about this day, I sure never would have guessed it would end up this way. If only Tennessee would have let him parole here. He put off getting out by 8 months just trying to get released to Tennessee.

Anyways, Janine you will be in my prayers; I know your journey still has it's ups and down. Thanks for talking to me.

Everyone have a blessed day.

Shawn

Hi All, welcome shawn,
Janine glad all is well with you and working out. Im still here, feels like just sometimes. I dont get on here as much as i like and its now i could really use it. doug is doing fine now out of transit, that was the longest 100+days. My dad has just gotten over pneumonia and been diagnosed with lung cancer and my oldest boy is causing me a few headaches but hey we will get there. I do think about you all and hope all is well. janine your story is light at the end of the tunnel for all of us im sure. We are also getting Dougs parole stuff ready, if only there were more than 24 hours in a day!!!
you all take care

kay

Yah, Where is Kim?

Rob,
The wait is much worse than the re-connection. I feel as though we can work through anything now that we are together. This is in our case however, I suppose everyone is different. It is just a readjustment period.
My Mother-in-law is coming in for 3 1/2 weeks on Sunday. Wish me luck! :-)

Janine

Hello , Prisoner of Love Community

My name is Ms Linda Co Founder of Jesus 1V Life Prison & Youth Ministry . I have read most of the Messages and I must say that my heart has truly been touched with compassion for everyone of you . I want a encourage you that God will come through for you many cases shall be overturn by a loving God; many husbands , son and daughters shall come out changed and filled with the spirit of God for he shall do a reversal in the earth for such a time as this . Amen !

Also Jesus 1V Life sells new & used products; such as christian sermon videos , movie videos, books, & christian music CD's & cassettes. and for families of prisoners they are sold at a discount price , you can contact me To place your order / to receive a personal view on the product list / you can contact me by email to request the list to be sent to your box etc.

Phone/ Fax (323)294-7322 Mon - Sat 8:00am to 10pm
(pst)
email: jesus1vlife@pacbell.net

Thanks !

God Bless
Ms Linda / Co Founder Jesus 1V Life Ministries

Hi Ladies,

I have checked the site numerous times to read everyones post, but I haven't felt like writing out my own stuff. I hope everyone is doing well, it's hard none the less, just life on life's terms, and then take your husband away, and every problem seems like it's under a microscope. Good news: Reuben has already received a release date of October 19th, 2004. (REAL soon) They gave him a year and cut it exactly in half for good time and also I think thats just how CA works sometimes cause their prisons are so crowded. Maybe I am wrong, just my opinion from what I have experienced. Reuben has agreed to go to a half way house upon his release. The plan is for him to stay there until he is off of parole, which could be in November 2005 possibly if no violations occur from his release until then. That outcome is entirely up to him. We can't see each other until he is off of parole, or until otherwise specified, so I am sticking to it and I am going to stay in Canada until parole (and God) permitts that we live together again. I am starting to see a therapist, and I will be taking a Boundaries and Restoration corse come July. I am working on building myself up again, lots to do but it is worth it. I am still not working, so I am a little bored, but something will come I am sure. I look forward to the future, knowing that God is here with me now and he always will be. God bless you guys !!!!

Nik Smith-Harris

Hi, Rob, I called and the lady said I didn't have the right number. I am in Dover New Hampshire right now. It has been a hard journey. But the good news is people have been really cool and we have sold some books and most importantly gotten the word out about our situation, the global effects of incarceration and things of that nature. I am on my way to the Blairhaven Summit in Duxbury, Mass. Then home. I hope that it all does some good somehow. Rob the phone number you gave me, I asked the lady to recite it back to me and it was the right number from the e-mail. I sure did want to meet you. I don't anticipate being in Virginia again as we had to cut things close to get home on schedule. Boo hoo. I will call you if you e-mail me again because I do want to talk to you just to say Hi. Right now we look like some hobos I fear, after so many days camping.
Hee.
Take care, everyone.
I have not heard from Kim on the website in a long, long time.
Toni

9:00 P.M. Thursday Central Standard Time on PBS there is special on about the incarcerated and all the plea bargains that are taken regardless of innocense or not.

I will be watching.

Janine-
Yeah you're right. I'd rather go through the re-adjustment period than not having him here at all.

Kay-
Sorry to hear about your dad. We lost my husbands mother to lung cancer in Jan. 2003 and he got locked up 2months later. How is he doing? I'll be praying for you and your family.

Toni-
Oh mannnnn. I'm totally bummed. I was wondering what happened to you. I just thought your were busy that's why I had not heard anything. I can't believe that. Oh well, our paths will cross. But I will send you another email with the correct number.

Hey all-

It's been a long time since I've posted here. Don't know if anyone remembers me or not, but here goes. Life has been very busy. Work occupies most of my time, which overall is good for me. It takes my mind off of being lonely. I've taken on a lot of responsibilities and promotions which is also nice financially.

I saw Shawn in March for his birthday. I am going out to Colorado on Monday to meet his grandparents for the first time. His mother is flying out to CO from Alaska to spend time with me as well. I'll be there until Thursday when I fly back to Seattle to spend the weekend and visit with my husband.

Assuming that he is released at his "Parole Early Release Date" we have just under 8 years left until he gets out. I've gotten to the point that I can handle that he will be gone for a day or a week or a month. I can even handle up to about six months. More than that is hard to grasp still. I still take things day by day and it isn't too incredibly hard. That isn't to say that I don't have my days that I think that I can't go on, but our letters continue and we are in constant contact, if not physical or audible, our written communications keep us together.

My family finally found out that we are married. They were hurt and upset, more about not knowing than anything. They seem to be accepting the idea of my being married, though they aren't thrilled with it. I'm finding them being more supportive now that they know that this isn't some "fling."

We are hoping to file and appeal to his judgement and sentencing because of all of the "after the fact" things that the prosecutor tossed into the deal. It most likely won't change his release date, but it should change a lot of his after release restrictions.

Anyway, I do hope that everyone is doing well. It's been so long since I've been to the site. I've missed the support of everyone and hearing how everyone is doing. I plan on checking in more often and getting to know the people that have come around since I left and getting re-aquainted with the rest of you.

Wishing you all the best. God Bless.

sera

Hi Sera-

Welcome back!! Well it sounds that things are going ok for you. At least you don't have the strains of financial burdens right now. I know how you feel about dealing with the time thing. Though my husband "only" has three more years to go, it seems like an eternity and I often times don't know how I'm going to make it. I had a bad day yesterday because he did. The burdens started getting alittle heavy, and his emotions got the best of him. I don't know what to say to him expect....hold on!!!

We too are trying to appeal his sentence. The pre-sentencing guidelines said 1 day to 6months and the prosecution wanted 2yrs. Then judge gave him 5yrs., though it was within his right. He was going to give him 10yrs until this PD pointed out that the was not the correct sentence for that charge. I think part of what is so upsetting is his PD in no way prepared him for that amount of time. He thought the judge would give him a year at best. Well the grounds for appeal aren't that strong, but we are going to try anyway. God can preform miracles.

I'm glad you family is starting to be alittle more supportive. You certainly need all the support you can get.

Hi you all, hope you are all doing okay,

Rob, thanks for your words. Its tougth but i will get there. Sorry to hear about your husbands mom. Its real hard to go through but i just take each day as it comes, enjoy the good ones and dig a little deeper on the tougth, good job im flexible and can bend or id break!! sense off humour prevails. Some days my dad is better than others. Lots of luck on the appeal, hope it all works out for you guys. Its in gods hands and i will pray it works out rob.

Hi sera, nice to meet you,

toni hope all is well with you but i guess things are a lil hectic with you, how do you do it girl? your an inspiration.

well im going to go for now
You all take care

kay

Hi everyone,
Just checkin' in. All is well for us here. Putting our house on the market on Saturday and hoping to get moved before the baby comes. We find out in 12 days what the sex is. Can't wait! Seems as though we have all adjusted well to each other again. Can't believe we picked him up over 7 months ago already. Time flies!

Take Care

Janine

hi yall this is misty so how is everyone its been awhile hope everyone is dowing ok just wanted to say hi and stay strong and hang in their

Hey, everybody. I made it home, only to have to go to Dallas then to Kingman right on the heals of everything. I think something is working because lots of people are posting on the site this week so maybe us littering the USA with book marks helped or something did. LOL. I sold enough books to break even which is pretty good considering the length of time we were gone. I am scheduled to give a talk in Sacremento at the end of September so I have got to get the parole book finished. So far the parts I have exposed to folks have gotten great reviews. I hope it makes a difference in one person's life anyway. Then, then, I am going to go back to writing fiction and plays and silly stuff. I miss doing that. I am on an expensive connection so I have got to go. I didn't get to call Rob from my daughter's house where the long distance is free. Hee hee, but I will when I get back there in a week or so. Hopefully everything is going well for everyone. I am so glad to see folks return to the site and check in.
I learned a ton of stuff that will help us cope with our situation while at the summit but I also learned the real goal we should have in not to learn how to cope, it is how to get the 67% of non-violent offenders home and reintegrated so you don't need the site. I know that it doesn't help me or the others waiting for violent offense folks but cutting the number in half would help our whole nation you know? Wouldn't it be cool if drug addicted, mentally ill and others didn't go to prison but went to help they need and also the folks that did do violent crimes got programs to help them? It is acutally cheaper to help them than to punish them. I think I am gonna push that politely in some places. :)
Take care,
Toni

Hey,sorry to bug you guys but I really need some help. OUr children's string has no activities for kids and links to neat things kids can do to bond with their incarcerated parents. I though folks would add things if they had a place but nobody ever did, like places to find puzzels and crosswords and things. If you know of these sites could you help me out and post on the children's area were to go to find these places? I just don't have the time right now and someone came to the area and there was nothing there and I felt horrible that they didn't find any support or places to go.
Thanks for any support or ideas.
Toni

Hey Toni,

I don't have children, but I did search for some sites for you to put on here for children to use. I looked at Yahoo's kids site, and they have a lot of cool things for kids to do, and it all looks safe, so parents don't have to worry. Also, MSN has a link for kids too, and they also have stuff for small children to do as well. Both sites have puzzles, lots of games, cards for the kids to make, music, and lots of crafty things to occupy them. This dosen't really connect them to their incarcerated parent, but it would give them something to do. They could make those cards for their parent? Just trying to give you any ideas. I will still look, but for now it is at least something......
Niki Harris

Hey All,

I made it back from my trip to Oklahoma. Leaving my husband there was the hardest thing I've ever done. He is doing great. I worry so much about him though. Living there with all the people and crap that got him where he's at in the first place. But he is holding his own.

I hope everything is going good for everyone out there. I just wanted to drop in and say hello.

God Bless you All, You remain in my prayers.

Shawn

Worthwile tv program on A&E, titled "Prison Romance" and another called "Solitary Confinement"
Check your local listings, the shows were very beneficial!

Hello everyone my name is Kelly. I have been reading the messages from everyone for a week now but this is my first time posting. My husband went to a federal prison last tuesday 6/29/04 and I was just wondering if anyone could tell me what to expect when I go to visit or what it will be like. I would also like to say thanx to everyone writing because I do not feel so alone anymore. This site is a lifesaver.

Good Morning Kelly-
I am here. I am always here even if I do not talk and I am quiet. I will be here always.
Peace to you Kelly. Be strong.

Hi Kelly, My husband was in prison for 4 1/2 years and I only wish I had found this site way sooner. Being in this situation can be very lonely. The one that you love is gone and let's face it, you don't meet many people that are in our shoes or that will admit they are. My husband just got out, but for the time being we are still 800 miles apart. We have seen each other once, next week we see each other again. And I thank God everyday he is out, but being apart still really stinks. I wish I knew someting about visiting in a federal system to tell you.

Good luck to you; keep your head held high and your eyes and heart focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. I will keep you and everyone else in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care
Shawn

Hello everyone, this is Kelly again. I am writing today because I am very frustrated. My husband wears hearing aids in both ears and when he went to prison they took his hearing aid batteries away from him and told him he would have to get them at the commissary. One of his hearing aid batteries died three days ago and the other one is on its way. The commissary has not had any hearing aid batteries for him to purchase and they keep telling him that tomorrow they will be in but tomorrow never comes. Also, two days ago his counselor told him that they found the batteries that they had taken away from him and in the morning he would give them to him but then in the morning my husband found out that the counselor was not going to be in that day. I just do not understand. It is not like the batteries are for enjoyment they are a necessity. He has already had to be searched a couple times because he does not hear them and they think that he is ignorning them. Also, if the other battery dies he will be unable to hear anything. I just do not know what to do. Is there any one in the prison system that he could talk to about this or anyone I should call to make sure that he has batteries at all times so that he can hear them at all times. Please help! I feel very helpless right now.

It's a girl !!!!


Janine

Hi Kelly-

I don't really know the answer to your question. But another great website where you can get lots of information is http://www.prisontalk.com/forums You can find a forum for your question or post a new thread. I hope this helps.

Hey Toni-
How are you? Sounds like your trip was benefical though I'm sorry I missed you. Have you ever been to that website? It may be a good place to get the information on your book out.

Janine-

Congratulations!!!!! How are things working out for you and your hubby? How far along are you again?

Howdy,
I am 5 1/2 months along already. Wow! The sonogram yesterday was amazing. Baby is very active doing somersalts and scrunches in my belly. Amazing there is so much action going on in there. :-) All is well with hubby and I. We are going to a family counselor with our son monthly to work through any issues. I have been taking my son for the last 5 years and now we have hubby and I involved in same session too. Son is showing signs of insecurity with husband home, baby coming, and upcoming move. A lot of change for our lil' guy.

Take care everyone

Hey, everybody. I'm doing okay Rob. I have been traveling more days than I have been home in the last 6 weeks all kind of rambo style but doing it all the same. I took a bus trip to AZ and that was an experience. I am doing an interview I am kind of nervous about and I am giving a talk at a summit in California in September and I am working on my own life too. I keep wanting to give up on it and just have the website going and that's it but then something comes up and I keep going with it. I can see that there is a big change coming, that there are commercials featuring families and things and so maybe my part is all another grain of sand that will help change the way things go for the future. Like a warden told me nothing I am doing will effect a change in the course of my husband's incarceration and I knew that but I feel compelled to work towards change anyway. Things are okay. I don't have much to report. It's all going the way it needs to go.
I'm sorry I missed you too Rob.
Take care,
Toni

Hi everyone,

I am wanting to send my husband a package for his birthday, and bear with me cause I have never sent a package before, I always send a money order and let him get what he needs his self. I found a website that has all the stuff that I can send into Corcoran, but it asks which quarterly package this is, and I have no idea. Also, I want a few items from the "special order" list, which didn't say it had any weight restrictions on it, can I purchase those items on top of the quarterly package? Thanks for any info, I really have no idea. God Bless!
Niki

Hi everyone, is anybody out there. I haven't seen a posting for about three days now. I went to see my husband for the first time last Friday and it was wonderful to see his face. My inlaws and I also spent the night so I got to spend all of Saturday with him too. It had only been 10 days since I had seen him but it felt like a lifetime. He looked well rested, although it is still heartbreaking seeing him in their but I will be there every weekend even if I can only go up for the day. He is only 3hrs away from home and I am grateful for that. After being in the visiting room it just makes you realize that you cannot judge people by what they have done in the past or mistakes that they have made. Every walk of life is in prison and their is a story behind every person and unless you know everything about that person we have no right to ever pass judgement. I know that unless you go through this in your personal life you just don't understand how anyone could end up in prison and that just because someone is in prison does not make them a bad person. You never think that something like this could happen or would happen to you until it does. It is similar to how I felt when my younger brother had a snowboarding accident and because paralized from his chest down. You just always think that that won't happen in my family and then when it does it changes everything. Now I notice who has handicap ramps and what stores he could never get through because they jam pack the clothes racks together or what restaurants he would feel comfortable in. It is so sad to me that it took my brothers accident and my husbands situation to open my eyes to all that life has to offer and to stop having preconceived notions about a person because of certain things in their life. I know this situation is a tragedy but I also believe it is a blessing because my husband and I now know what is important which is LOVE, FAMILY and FRIENDS and all the bull crap is just that crap. I know now to hold onto the good and let go of the bad because in the end that is all that we need and holding grudges or being angry all of the time does nothing but waste time and energy that could be put to better use. I sometimes am not so positive but when I go to bed at night I let the negative go and concentrate on the good. In this situation my husband and I have seen the worst in people but we have also seen the best in people, so we know this happened for a reason and we are very grateful. We will never take anything for granted again. Hope you are all well and hope to hear from you soon.

http://www.PetitionOnline.com/LERA/petition.html
Hi, the above is a petion that could serve to get our loved ones less time for educational credits. I thought I would share that with you guys. As far as the situation with the present goes, I would call the mailroom at the unit. It can vary from each and every unit from day to day it seems. You are very lucky to be able to send things. I know it costs money and that hurts so luck is how you look at it, but in Texas we can only send paper products and books from stores and put money on their accounts and write letters and that is it. Grrr.
Well, hope everyone is doing well. I am doing a lot of stuff and missing my husband as usual but keeping going.
Take care,
Toni

Hello everyone,
I was reading a story today on the Austin Chronicle about the poor medical care in prisons and found it interesting. I thought about pasting it all here but it was kinda long so here is the link if your interested.

http://www.austinchronicle.com/issues/dispatch/2004-07-16/pols_feature.html

All is well here. I am now starting my 23rd week of pregnancy. I didn't realize all the changes my body would go through and not to mention my short fuse. Hard to tell if my mood swings are from the pregnancy or the adjusting to my husband being home. No worries though, we WILL make it. I didn't wait all these years for nothing. I love him but we do have our ups and downs in readjusting. I am used to running EVERYTHING and having the trust to let go is having it's toll on me. I can't just trust him to do the right thing, as he screwed it up before and got us in a world of mess for the last 5 years and the aftershocks are still happening. I hate telling the federal gov. all my personal things but it is necessary for his freedom. Our house still hasn't sold so we are playing the waiting game. Trying to get moved before the baby comes.

Take Care

Hang in there! You aren't alone Janine. I am not in your shoes, hope to be someday for better or worse. :) Auntie Toni

Hi, I starting surfing the net tonight and found this site. My husband has been in jail twice since we've been married, but the longest has only been 6 months. He went for his probation revocation yesterday and the judge revoke 6 years! I am going through so much right now. We have 3 small children and I teach and don't know anyone else going through this. I was able to read some of the messages and felt so good knowing that there are other families that are making it through! It gives me hope! Thanks. Ceil

Ceil,
Your not alone. Just so you know we live in a middle to upperscale middle class neighborhood and when my husband went away 6 years ago I felt like no one was going through what I was. I found women in my sons school who's husbands here in jail and also at work for that matter. People like us are everywhere in all walks of life but most just don't talk about it. Hang in there, God has a plan for your life!

Janine

Hi Ceil-

Welcome to the site!! You will find alot of wonderful people here and lots of support. Believe there are lots of "us" out there. We come in all walks of life. A friend of mine told me she never imaged people like me "professional"..etc, etc with husbands in jail. My situation has opened her eyes to the fact you can't pass judgement on people. You never know someones story. I would like to meet more women in my area in the same situation. I have met one lady. We talk regularly and met up a couple of times. I just don't talk about it too much accept to my friends and family who already know, but the conversion is limited. Only one person at my job knows. The people I work with directly don't know. I'm sure they know somethings up because he used to be around all the time, now I hardly talk about him. =(

Anyway, my husbands appeal was denied. I knew it wouldn't happen, but I was bummed anyway. We've got another 3yrs to go. Sometimes I wonder how I'll get through and I hate making life decisions for the two of us. For example I'm in the process of looking for a house/condo/shack what ever I can afford in my area. If I was single it won't be an issue. He should be here to help, but I guess at this point the only thing I can do is look out for me.

One thing that keeps me going is knowing that Toni and Janine are out there. Janine did it and Toni is doing it and I can too.

Rob,
My eyes watered reading your last sentence. (I am hormonal too ya know) Wow! I DID do it. Glad I can be an inspiration in a such a touchy subject. Hard to imagine sometimes that I did make it. It seemed as though there was no light while I was going through it but now that it is over it seems like so far back in my life. Time has a way of tricking us huh?
Sorry to hear about the appeal. We didn't have appeals in my husbands case so I don't know the emotion that goes along with that rollercoaster, I can only imagine.
Ya'll have a great weekend!

Where is KIM???? HELLLOOOOO TO KIM!!!

Yes, Rob, Thank you for mentioning me in your posting. I'm honored. It is weird to be out of the box society has us in and still be dealing with incarceration. I had a doctor tell me to have my husband take care of me for a few days and I said, "He's incarcerated" and he said, "You don't look like the wife of a prisoner." Ha. At first I didn't tell anyone. For 5 years only one of my co-workers new anything and that was because her dad was in and out of prison her whole life. Then I told everyone. Big mistake. People took that information and literally brought me to my knees just because they could. Now, I tell those who need to know and others don't know at all, unless they plug my name into a search engine and then the whole deal comes out. I too am a teacher. I am not working right now because of Lupus/ Rheumatoid arthritis and so I lost pretty much everything and I am starting over because I am feeling better within the next few weeks. It is hard making decisions without my husband. He has been in so long, 22 years, that he wouldn't be much help anyway. There is so much he doesn't know or understand at this point. But I will do it, like I have been doing it.
I am going to be visiting jails in Virginia in the second week of August and I am hopeful I can reach some folks and give them hope and let them know their families aren't alone.
Oh, my husband's writing from the book is going to be republished in a new book by someone else. I wrote him and told him about it. Now in his prison they have decided to take any commisary that they have over 90 days. Since he doesn't get money very often he was saving his stuff for a lock down when this rule came into effect and lost everything. I don't know when he will get money on his books again. It seems so unfair to the poorer inmates.
Take care everyone and welcome Ceil

Hi Toni-

That's not right. You're saying any money that he did have on the books is now gone???? Or did he have merchandise? What did they do with it? Is there anything that can be done?

He had purchased the items for his birthday in February when people sent him some money. He was trying to save it because he gets so little money and mostly survives on prison food. It was under 75.00 worth of food, toiletries and stamps. If he had sent it home he would have gotten an automatic case so he let it go. I don't know what they do with it. As I understand this is not Texas wide, but only on his unit. It is just depressing because there is so little to look forward to in this situation and knowing he had snacks to live on during lock downs when they only get a boiled egg and two thin sandwhiches and a milk for each meal was just something nice. It didn't make prison a brighter happier place, it just made tolerating it a little better. I under stand prison is supposed to be a punishment but removal from family, friends and society is supposed to be the punishment, all this other crap is just extra pain and suffering. When we first got together, his cellies had been drug trafficing people and things and so when I sent him 50.00 he blew through it like fireworks on the fourth of july, giving everyone candy and stuff. Then I told him, even though I had a good job that we went without so he could have that money and those things so to be careful with it. Over the years he has become quite budget concious and so he would only use what he got as a special thing, not throwing it away and here we get slammed for it. It makes no sense. I don't know what can be done. It is very difficult to way the amount of trouble he can be caused simply by my complaint. I have written him and asked him if he wants me to step in. If he doesn't I won't. He has to live with the consequences. Ya know? It just bites. I have seen so many of my friends inside and when they get out, suffer at the hands of people who just want to kick a person when they are down that I don't know how we survive as a species sometimes. Grrr. Can you tell I am in a rotten mood? You know, I have been the victim of violent crime and so have my daughters and I would not treat the people the way they treat my husband and your loved ones. I wouldn't pamper my attacker but I would not go out of my way to eliminate all possibility of change for the better and a hope for the future. What do these young kids have to look forward to with these long sentences and no incentive to do good? Okay, I am ranting. Sorry, take care, ladies, I am off to Dallas again.

Thanks for the hellos! I have been in such a better place today since I found this site. I've been telling everyone that knows whats going on that I've found this site and how much better I feel knowing that I am not alone. I get a lot of my strength from knowing that God has His plans for us and this site in part of that plan. I had turned off my internet service a couple of months ago and just had it turned back on on Monday. I never would have imagined then that I would be using it this way!
Toni, where are you going in Virginia? I live in Roanoke. Are you on a book tour? I kinda get the picture that you wrote a book called Prisoners of Love.
Thanks again for this site and for being here for me! Ceil

Hello everyone. I just wanted to drop a note and ask how everyone is doing. I took my children to see my husband for the first time last weekend and it went good. My husband cried when he first saw him and when we left but he told me that he would rather be sad that he cannot leave with us rather than not seeing the boys. He said he smiled more this week just remembering their faces and he had pictures taken with them during the visit.

Janine, how is the pregancy going? It is so great that we can hear about happy endings and know that there will be a good life after prison. It gives all of us hope. Talk to you all later.

Hi everyone,
All is well. Yesterday was my birthday!! Happy Birthday to me! :-) My husband had a little get together at our house for me with family and a few close friends. So nice to have someone else plan my party. Well, to have a party at all for that matter. You know, when your birthday comes around you don't do much because it is painful to celebrate with out our men. He took me out to dinner last night and had a rose for me. It is just the simple things that bring so much happiness. Baby and I are doing fine. I can feel her kick quite a bit now. Very strange feeling. So much energy she seems to have!
Kelly,
I remember our first few visits to the prison. I couldn't understand why so many people were laughing and having good visits. I mean, we are in prison visiting someone we miss. I had a tough time at first but soon became somewhat accustomed to the visits. I would cry going in and leaving and sometimes during in the beginning. Closer to the last 1/2 of the sentence I took it better and it was easier for my son when I was less affected too.

Take care all,

Janine

Hey everyone. My husband and I had an incredible visit and it looks like he will FINALLY be able to move here by the end of August. (cross your fingers) Our daughter met him for the first time and they fell head over heels in love with each other. It was such a change having him around to help with the everyday things .... You know I've been reading alot of the recent posts and it reminded me of so many times I just didn't think I could hang on another day. But I did and let me say this, it was SO worth it... every moment of loneliness, every tear, every temper tantrum. No one can understand what it is like to be in our shoes, unless they have been there before. Other then family and a few close friends no one knew about Lance. It's kinda difficult at work trying to explain my husband when I really never talked about him too much because of all the questions associated with it. I can say that the past 4 1/2 years have been some of the most difficult years in my life, but the end result has made me happier then I ever dreamed I could possibly be.

To all of you still waiting, my prayers and thoughts are with you. You all take care of yourselves; God Bless

Shawn

I just came by your site by accident. What an inspirational and needed site. I am waiting for my husbands return home also. I never imagined going through something like this. We just were married Nov.9,03 while he was in county jail. I am not able to go visit him, because I also had gotten into trouble with him. I've already did my time in county jail, which was very scary and stressful. He got quite a bit longer sentence then I did. It's really hard not being able to go and visit him. But the good thing to look forward to is when he comes home, we will be newlyweds, and be able to start a new life. I am really glad I came across this site. God Bless

Hi Everyone, just thought I would drop a quick note. My sister-in-law and I went to visit my husband this past Sunday. It was the best visit that we have had but then on Monday all I did was sit at my desk at work and cry. I think because we had such a great visit it made me miss him more (if that is possible). It is hard to leave everytime I visit him but it was particularly difficult this week. I leave with a smile but end up crying everytime. I just wish somehow it will get easier but I really don't think that it will. His whole family and me and the boys are going to spend the weekend up there on the weekend of his birthday so that everyone can take turns going into to see him that weekend and we will be able to be with him on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He stated in one of his letters that our visits get him by from week to week so I do not plan on missing one weekend, although in the winter the travel might be a little more difficult so I guess my visits my just have to be shorter to prepare for longer driving time due to weather conditions. I am prepared to do whatever it takes to get him through this as easy as possible. Anyways, just wanted to talk to someone and this site is always a blessing to talk to people in the same situation.

Kelly

Hey Kelly,
Glad you had a good visit. The cry sessions afterwards to lessen some as you 'get used' to the situation. If that is really possible.

Sherri,
Welcome to the site. We are all in a similar situation and are here to listen and help as we can.

Take care everyone

Janine

Hi, everyone! I'm glad to see you guys are still hanging in there. Things have been a bit rough around here. Positive things are happening. Change is good. I leave for Virginia on the 11th and I am looking forward to getting away from things here. Johnny didn't want me to cause trouble about the 90 day rule at the prison. He thought the long term problem would be worse than the loss of the stuff. Ceil I'm going to be in Williamsburg. I will tour some jails and talk to people. My "book tours" don't seem to be money making propositions for me and since I am on disablity it would be sooo cool if they did. My goal when I go to these places is really just to let the men and women know there is a place on the internet that their families can go for help and also that their families are going through a lot and that it doesn't have to be a curse but it can be used as a time to grow as a family and as people and I kind of share our story and show a video that my kids and I were in a couple of years ago and read what I wrote my husband in the Chicken soup for the prisoner's soul book and basically tell the women in jail that I started out with nothing and got my education and that they can do it also and how they can keep their children in their lives and things like that. I have never made money at the book sales but it has helped me buy dog food or a bag of groceries or a dinner out or something from time to time. The important part is to get help to the people who need it. The bad thing is I get hundreds of letters from prisoners wanting the book or newsletter for free and I don't even have the stamp money to write them and tell them I can't do that at present. Someday it will be better. I am coming back up from this illness and moving will help me a lot. I need time out in the country to just repair and get strong and push forward. Oh, longwinded as I am...I did the proposed NPR interview in Dallas and I hope it will be interesting. I don't feel very comfortable talking about my husband and his case but if it helps us be seen more as human beings then well, why not. Right? :) Take care everyone. It sounds like having babies is in the air. I am happy for everyone!

Hello everyone! How is everyone doing? I went to visit my husband this Saturday and had to wait an hour before I could get in to see him and then after about 15min. of being in there they announced that they would like volunteers to leave if they were local or were coming back to visit the next day because there were thirty people waiting to get in and then they said if noone volunteered (which noboby did) that they would pick the people that gotten their first and they would have to leave. So, they announced about 7 inmates that had to leave and their families and then about an hour later they did it again. I just cannot believe that they cannot build bigger visiting rooms. There are about 1400 inmates in my husbands prison and the visiting room can only hold a maximum of 40inmates if they only had 1 visitor each, although we are allowed to have 5 adults and children in at a single time but if everyone came with that many people then 40 inmates could not fit in their probably only 20. It is ridiculous that the visiting rooms aren't larger. The prison system is supposed to support visitation so why are the visiting rooms so small. Anyways, just needed to vent. All in all it was a good visit. It was the first time in a month that I went alone to visit my husband and it was very nice to have him all to myself for a little while. It is so hard not being able to just hug and kiss my husband when I need to but I am getting used to it. We will have a lot of time to make up for when he gets home. My best to everyone. God Bless.

Hi all,
I had the same problems at one of the places my husband was placed with visiting. I would drive so far to see him and then get short changed on my visit. Glad you had a good visit though Kelly.

Janine

Janine, congratulations on your baby!!! My fiance was sentenced and although he got alot of time, a new law has already passed that will reduce his sentence, plus we're going through the appeal process right now. We're praying that the law which has them serve 65% instead of 85% is also soon passed. We are doing everything we can to "give that time back to them" and get him home.He ended up being placed in Oxford Wisconsin, so any ladies near or in lansing michigan that has a loved one there, please get in contact with me because I need a travel buddy.With it being so far away, I really need someone to share the expenses with.

Hi everyone. I have never posted before and honestly I have never been a part of any type of message board before. My fiance is in prison in Alabama and no one seems to understand that a major part of my life is gone for an undeterminable time. I am a senior in college and taking a class on grief therapy. As I learn how to help other people deal with death it seems more and more that I am grieving for my partner even though he isn't dead. Does anyone else feel this way and how do you deal?

Rachel,
Welcome to the message board. All of us here are or have been coping with the loss of our spouse to the system. Strange how you mention "he isn't dead" but you are grieving. I felt the same way when my husband left that I was greiving for him as if he were though. I would have to say it is the closest thing to death when your grieving for a loved one in prison. I made it 5 years with out my husband and I was only 26 when he left. How, just take it day to day. Try not to look too far ahead, it was too difficult for me to imagine years so I just tried to imagine the week, month, day. Pray Pray Pray.

Take care all!

Rachel,

Welcome to the site. I know what you mean. When I was in the courtroom and the judge sentenced my husband to six years for breaking his probabion, I went numb. It was like a death in the family. I went immediately to my church and my pastor helped me see that it wasn't a death, but it was still okay to grieve. With three small children and a career as a teacher, I don't have much time for grieving. I think of people who have lost a loved one and think that they would love the opportunity to visit him/her in jail. I have also gotten over feeling embarrassed about his behavior. When people see that I am committed to keeping my family together and am overall doing well, people just seem to support me - and if they don't I don't have any time for them! I love this site! It helps so much to know that there are others out there like me.

Ceil

I am with Ceil on that note! I finally got to the point that I didn't get embarrassed by husbands predictament. He got himself there, not me. After time people commended me for sticking it out and waiting for my man. Sure, others may have had their opinion but I bet life had been easy for them and there hadn't been any tragedies in their lives up to that point. That is why they could be judgmental. I am a much stronger person for what I have gone through and my relationship with my husband is better than ever. We joke that he is stuck with me now. If I was going to leave him I would have done it years ago when he went to prison. God bless you! We will ALL make it!!!!

Janine

Hi, guys! Yeah, and the grieving is cyclic. You can really be helped with the information you get from Hospice even though your loved one isn't dead. I have been doing this one way or another for 22 years and I still sometimes wake up with a huge fear that he will never come home and while he isn't replaceable and I don't have any attraction to anyone else I still hurt so bad sometimes I cry. Then I will get better go on, feel happy, life is good and then something will trigger it again. The last time was just last weekend when someone asked me about his case and I realized that I had forgotten a lot about it and how that helped me and then they brought it up again. My husband has maintained his innocence for all this time and I cope by hoping he's guilty and hasn't told anyone ever because it is easier than thinking he didn't do it. That is weird but if he didn't do it and all this keeps shafting us over and over it can make a person go insane. But when I am confronted with the lack of evidence, the cooreced confession and the stupid lawyer that missed the appeal, our own goof up on the writ timing, his friends from that time, who say he didn't do it, the judge that broke the law to add aggrivated to a crime that didn't have aggrivated on it 2 years after the fact, and the police report that actually says someone else did it and the hung jury and all that...well, it makes it all unbearable. Now waiting on DNA help with a lawyer that has 75 other dna clients....ugh. Anyway, the grieving process comes and goes. It helps to keep the communication going full blast. I actually get pretty testy when it drops below 4 letters a week. I need his support to keep going. Sometimes I benefit from others in my situation like Kairos outside meetings and things and at other times I just cope better by forgetting and focusing on something besides incarceration.

Howdy,
Just wanted to drop a line to let you guys know I am going on vacation! Woo hooo! Will be back late in the month. Your all in my prayers!

Janine

Lucky duck!
Take care,
Toni

HELLO LADIES, IT'S BEEN A LONG WHILE. THOUGHT i'D UPDATE YOU GUYS! Bobby And I have moved to Portland...The city we had our honeymoon in...I was hoping for a new start on our love...And it's worked!!! We both have calmed down a great deal, he is treating me with greater love and tenderness. We both have jobs at a gas station. I hopefully will be geting another bank job here soon. I gotta go though, I'm using the librarys computer and a used up the free hour job searching.
May all our lovly dreams come true one day. God bless those in and those waiting outside. God Bless you Janine.
Kim Dukes

Hi, Ladies,

My 12th wedding anniversary was last Sunday and my husband's birthday is tomorrow, and I'm finding myself missing him more and more. He is still in the county jail - in a drug program which we hope will help with his time - but he isn't home. We get to visit twice a week and talk everyday, which I know is a lot more than alot of you - but I'm still missing him a lot right now. I'm also starting back to school and my girls are starting school and Daddy isn't here. Just needed to place to ramble on some. I don't know how I will do this for six years. Yes I do - with God's strength - but some days I still don't know how I'll do it.

Thanks for all being here! Ceil

Ceil,

I am going through the same thing right now. My husband's birthday is this week, mine next week, and our youngest son's in two weeks. Everytime there is a special occassion it just makes it that worse that we cannot be together but somehow we make it through and I know you will too and we all have each other to lean on. Our situation is very difficult but in the end I believe we will all be stronger people for getting through it and sticking by our husband's.

How is everyone else? Everything here is going okay, just counting down the time, a day at a time. God Bless!

Kelly

Hey Janine, Hope the vacation is going good, just read up on what I've missed! Congrats on the baby girl... I kicker huh?, She's going to play soccer. ;-p
We moved into a place friday, it's a little hole in the wall room, but we'll be back on top in no time. I gotta go, just thought I'd drop a line.
Kim

Hi guys,
I am back from the hurrican Charley that hit Florida while I was there. YIKES! Luckily I was in the small, very small, portion of the state that didn't get hit. It hit 35 miles north of Ft. Lauderdale. Wheeewww!
Welcome back KIM!!! Was starting to wonder about you. Didn't think you would just leave us with no explaination. Sounds like things are going well for you and Bobby. Praise God! Do you think moving away will help the situation? I am thinking so.
I am now 7 1/2 months pregnant and it is getting harder by the day. Not sure how women have multiple children back to back. This is hard work!
Take care all!

janine

Oh, man, I am sooo happy to hear that things are going good for you Kim. I thought about you often. Janine, man, you brought your own weather with you huh? Scary. I am glad you are doing okay. We are doing good. My husband is evolving into a better and better person every day and I am trying to keep pace. I like that, even though we are apart that we can challenge each other to be better people. Other than that, I am finishing up the packing, my computer died, and I am going to California for a summit next month so I am working on that stuff. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do for a living because I feel good enough to go back to work if the work is right for my situation. I am excited about moving even though I don't have a home on the land I bought yet. I will actually get more visiting time because I am further away. Oh, Johnny is jelouse ( in a good way) of the fact that some folks can visit daily in some states. He can't imagine what that would be like.
Take care,
Toni

http://www.petitiononline.com/duima/petition.html

Please pass this Petition along, Forward it to everyone on your email list, Thanks so much.

Hello, Ladies,

I've been checking the site lately and haven't seen any new postings. Then I thought that everyone may be like me, waiting for a new post. I've started back to school last week and it is so hard! I get more tired and more stressed and I feel at times just like giving up on my husband, then I know that is not what I - or God - wants. Sometimes I just need to know that there are others doing this with me.

Thanks, Ceil

Hi everyone,
Yes, Ceil, I was waiting also. :-) Thanks for taking the initiative. Congrats on starting back up at school. Being busy will help the time to pass. I felt like giving up plenty of times on my marriage. It crossed my mind that it would be easier not to wait. Thank goodness I had my faith in God and the devotion to my marriage. I can't say it was easy but now that we are back together after 5 years of separation I am glad I waited. I am now 30 weeks along in my pregnancy and can't wait to meet our little girl.

Janine

Hi, guys. It looks like what is happening is that people are starting more strings instead of talking on this one. I get a copy of every posting and every link posted and the e-mails and stuff so that seems to be what is going on. I am heading to California to give a little talk so maybe I can get folks to participate on this string more often. Who knows. I am in the process of moving still. Things are going but a little rough. I will be glad when I don't live here any more. I helped a lady escape an abusive prison romance and that took a couple days of doing but things are going okay with me personally. I expect to get a job sometime after I move and get a normal life back.
I have the newsletter to write and I am not in the mood but have got to get it done. Take care everyone.
Toni

Hi Everyone-

Yes Cecil thanks for getting things started. I have to admit I peek in everyday and didn't see anything. =). I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I sail through the months with no problem then other times I feel so overwhelmed. I love my husband dearly, but at times I wonder can I do this for 2 1/2 more years and what is life going to be like when he comes home? The financial burdens are going to be high (i.e child support,restitution etc.)when he comes home and that scares me too.

Toni I'm glad to hear things are going okay. One things for sure....you STAY busy!! Your health holding up? What about your husband? How is he doing?

Janine what's you're due date? Are you enjoying the beauty's of being pregnant or are you ready for that thing to come out.....ha,ha? Are you still adjusting to your husband being home or have you guys hit a stride?

I'm glad we're talking again. I missed you guys ;)

Hard to believe I picked my husband up 10 months ago. We are in amazement it has been so long already. Life is good and I thank God for it everyday. Husband doesn't seem as grateful as I but I think he is still adjusting and the pressures of life are still affecting him. We discuss it often and he is amazed at himself when it is pointed out to him. Rob, you ask if were still adjusting? Well, I am adjusted and so grateful for life these days and all the new beginnings we are experiencing together. Our son seems to be evening out recently and starting to toughin up, thanks to Dad. I have been told what a wus he was in the past but with only a Mom raising him it was to be expected. Dad expects more out of him so he is stepping up to the plate. He is also getting used to the idea of having a sister and isn't so worried anymore. We all put the crib together last night and it just felt so right. I do think my husband is still adjusting but he doens't talk so much about it anymore. Believe it or not, it seems as though he was never gone for me. I know that sounds crazy and if I had heard that from someone else while he was still in I would have just said "yea, whatever!" But it is true. Life is grand. The baby is kicking me right now. We are due November 18th, the same day my Mom went to Heaven 2 years ago. Strange, huh?

Take care

Its good to hear from you, Rob, Janine and Toni. Just knowing that others are going through this helps me so much. My husband goes to court on Wednesday on his new charge. My hope is that he will get sentenced to a drug program and then we can go back before the judge that revoked 6 years of his probation and convince him that that is best for everyone. Its funny, but I haven't met one person who thinks he deserves the sentence he got. I expected him to do something, but I can't even begin to accept six years yet. Thanks you'll for being here, especially you, Janine, who continue to support us. Thanks! Ceil

Yes Janine, Moving out of Redding Helped tramendously. I guess he had a pact with God to triple his efforts to be a better husband, cuz when we were in the tent and would have a fight I'd hear him say under his breath that god needed to keep up his end of the bargain. We both are working,we have a little "room", and we make double our expences, so we'll get caught up on his debts from Redding. We had our Honeymoon here 5 years ago. Last night after work he walked down to the hotel we stayed at for our honey moon. He keeps thanking me for getting us out of there. When I popped the move on him, we both were at the ends of our rope. His stress level has dropped so dramatically that his toenails have grown all the way back in. (Since prison his nails fall out from to much stress.)
I'm glad to hear things are going so well with everybody. I gotta go now, just popped on to check my email, and get caught up with you guys.
God Bless You All
Love You All,
Kim
PS
If you ever wonder what happens to me, if I lapse in Writing again, click on my name... it's my email address.

Hi to all - I just wanted to say hello and say that you all are an inspiration to me. My husband was only sentenced to 11 months in county jail, but I'm still going through a lot of the same emotions. I want to say that seeing how you are all able to make it though this time is a great inspiration. I am glad you are all sticking my your man. Things have been real rough monetarily for me lately and today, the courts seized my husbands work truck for money owed to a doctor when he did not have any health insurance. I still don't know how to tell him, I am afraid he will get angry with me. Supposed to visit on Monday. I have only four months left until he is home. Keep up the strength!

11 months is still along time to have your husband out of your house. To me its like he is in the military and has to leave, except we don't have the public support behind us. We go through the same things, sometimes even worse, but our husbands are considered "criminals" and so we don't get the support that military wives do. Money is a real problem for us, too, and I have had to rely on God. Somehow, we always get our needs met, and some of our wants, when I put God first. I had to stop thinking for my husband as my source of additional income and look at God. I use every resource available to me - food bank at my church, asking for help from family, whatever it takes - because I believe these are all ways that God is helping me. Of course, I have days when I'm ready to send my children to live with a relative because "I can't provide for them and never will be able to." But the truth is, we have pretty good lives. Thanks for everyone being here.

Ceil

Thanks for the reply Ceil. My husband always tells me to think of him in the military also. He was Honorably Discharged years and years ago now but he says to just think of him out fighting for the country. It's where he'd rather be, no doubt. I too am placing my full trust in God - I truly believe that He is the one getting me through this. I couldn't do it by myself. I also have my husband's daughter living with me. The schools are better where we are at and we are pushing her to make sure she gets to college - she is in 10th grade and an Honors Student. If she lived with her mother, that wouldn't happen. I was stressing about how I would manage to buy her clothes for school- she is still growing like a weed. But my husbands family have helped out a whole lot. His sister took her shopping one day and his brother sent her a $100 check for school clothes. I was so grateful for both of them. It's things like that that help get me through.

Ceil,
I can totally understand what you mean about not deserving the sentence handed out. My husband had never been in trouble with the law nor had a traffic violation in 20 years. He was a first time drug offender and they gave him 9 years no questions asked. Actually he had to plea out to 9 years otherwise they were going for 25-life if he went to court. Yes, he was guilty but I find it hard to understand the systems sentencing levels. Is your husbands case federal also?

Oh yea, praise God things are going better for you Kim! God is good, all the time!

Janine,

No my husband's case is not federal. Today he went for sentencing for breaking into his empoyer's office and taking a check. He got an additional two years for that - on top of the six that he got for violating his probation. So we are not looking at eight years for breaking into a business and taking a vcr and some checks in 1999 and taking a check now. He has an extensive history, but his life has been different since he went into a long-term treatment facility in 1989. I told the judge that they just look at how much he has messed up, but the reality is that his using takes place over a 4 - 5 week period and then he is locked up again. He'll go several years absolutely clean and then mess up. I know he did it, and I believe he needs to pay for it, BUT EIGHT YEARS! I am so depressed right now. I don't know how I am going to go 8 years with three kids - 6, 4 and 1 - by myself. And support him at the same time. How did you do it? It's already becoming a pain at times to go visit him in the county jail. We are going to try to go back before the first judge who revoked him and see if we can get something reduced. The prosecutor and judge today said they have never seen a case like his before. He has so much going for him, is educated and has a good family, and continues to use and mess everything up. The thought of my babies growing up without their father is so terribly sad for me. All the missed Christmases, other holidays, milestones. I am so sad right now that I can barely function. How can I possibly do this for eight years?

I couldn't wait to get on this site tonight. I went to church tonight and it was cancelled because we have flooding. I just need something - other than food - to lift this heaviness from me right now. How can I spend 8 years waiting for him? How do the rest of you do it?

Thanks, Ceil

Ceil,
My heart goes out to you as I read your post. I didn't know how I was going to make a 9 year sentence either. Seeing our son spend so many quality years with out a father was gut wrenching to say the least. I kept his father alive for him and for my husband with a lot of talk of Daddy and the fact that he WILL come home and that he wasn't dead. We were grateful for him being alive. The trips to the prisons were not fun for us and it did become a chore. I here of other women going every week or 2 time a week and wonder where they found the time and energy to do so. My husbands locations ranged from 5 hours away to only an hour away at times. Our visits only occured 3-4 times a year though. It was a costly overnight visit most times and very draining on me to make the long drives. Being it was federal he was allowed visits up to 5 times a week in some facilities so I felt a little guilty about not visiting more but just couldn't find the time with Cub Scouts and baseball and such. My husband would talk me out of coming sometimes because he knew it was a strain on me so he was very supportive of our needs along with his taking 2nd place. I am grateful for his understanding through out it all. I hear of horror stories from other women I met in line waiting to see their husbands. How demanding their husbands were. I would have to say to them "what is he going to do about it from in there?" Just wondered how they were still being manipulated by someone behind bars. I will tell you that our son filled out a form at the beginning of this school year to who his favorite person was and he wrote "Daddy". The years away have not tarnished his love and want for his Father and I am so grateful for that. The holidays were always hard and I was always glad when they were over. I have no suggestions for you to get through them other than look to God for support. I have to look back and wonder how I made it, but give all the glory to God. I got more involved in my church and they helped out in more ways than I could have imagined. If you have read my past posts you will know that of the 9 years he was sentenced to he only served 5 1/2. That is unheard of for federal but I hear state reduces the sentence quite a bit so try to look on the bright side. Looking back, I know that this was the way it had to be for my husband to kick his old habbits. He probably would have been dead long before now if he had kept up the way he had. Gods will was done in our lives. A lot of heartache went along with it but I am a much stronger person today than before and my marriage couldn't be better. God will be with you. Take care

Hey, everybody. Rob, it is important that you get his child support adjusted while he is in. That is the number one reason, well, one of them, folks go back. The back support piles up and then they can't live and pay the back debt. You can petition to have it lowered due to incarceration and then they can petiton for it to back up when he comes home.
I had to cancel my trip to California for the Centerforce summit because my car broke and I am moving and I am stuck here in Amarillo because the car is still in the shop. Johnny and I might be on NPR. I am not sure about that. The story he wrote for the book got picked up and will be featured in another book on prison writing and I am happy about that.
Right now I am doing my 9th year of marriage and my 22nd year of friendship and Johnny and I are kind of squabbling over my waiting. He now feels it is a diservice to me to be married to him. I don't feel this way at all. It isn't happy being married to someone you can't see but I can't see being married to anyone else either.
I am moving my animals to my land this weekend. 6 dogs and 3 cats in one car. Should be a fun time for all. :) Most of my dogs are big.
My health is giving me a lot of trouble because of all the lifting for the move and the stress over having no house on the land and what I will do and also just the crap of incarceration in general but I am going to move, wait a few weeks for recovery and go back to work somewhere. I just hate not having an income and the social aspects that employment offers and if I get so sick I can't walk again, I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
Take care everyone. I know we will all make it and do what we need to do and that life will teach us much. Oh, and If someone wrote me snail mail about their boyfriend doing life and wanted me to write...please e-mail me bacause I misplaced the address to write you back during the move and I sure do want to write you.

Take care,
Toni

Hello everyone:
What a wonderful place this is. My husband has been incarcerated for 18 months now, three more years to go. I ma gald I stumbled across this board. Most people do not seem to understand how difficult this situation is. I wake up every morning thinking of my husband and the situation he is in. We have a 19 month old son and it is WRONg that he is growing up without his father.
Actually it just seems to get harder rather than easier the longer he is in. How do you all hang in there day after day?

Ladies,

I am so sorry to dump on you all, but that is what I am going to do. I am so tired if dealing with my husband and his appeals and going to visit him, etc. I have so much on my plate right now that I have no energy for him. Right now I just want to forget about him and do what I have to do before me. It it wasn't for my children, I might throw in the towel right now. I am so mad at him for being in there. All because he had to get high. He knew what the consequences were but did it anyway. Now he is looking at 8 years. How can someone be so self-centered to not think about us before that first night of getting high. In that one night he screwed everything up for us and is going to prison for 8 years. How could he have been so stupid and self-centered?!? He has no one to blame but himself, because he thought it would be different this time. Everyone told him what would happen - including the judge - but he had to go on and do it anyway! Damn him!

I don't want to go off on him too much because he has enough guilt and anger of his own. Thanks for letting me get some of this off my chest. I need a safe place to do this where others won't judge him by my anger. I'm hoping that you all have felt this same way at one time or another.

Thanks. Ceil

Ceil,
Gosh, your anger sounds way too familiar to my past experience with my husband. You are not alone. I also didn't think I would make it if it weren't for our son, he kept it very real for me over the years. My husband screwed up just like yours and I had to reschedule our wedding due to his addiction and being put into treatment. Have you been to Alanon meetings at all? They try to explain the addiction and illness that our husbands suffer from. I still have a hard time understanding why he felt he HAD to use but it did put some insight on it for me. Alanon is for the families of the adicted. I think your feelings of anger towards him are totally expected and natural. Look to God to get you through and give you guidance. I can tell you that I am very happy that I waited it out. My husband is curred now and I don't forsee him ever using again. We came too close to loosing everything in our lives, including our relationship for him to ever take that chance again.
Keep the faith

Janine,

I went to Alanon for several years, and also went into
recovery for my own addiction 14 years ago, so I
understand addiction and can even understand why he
did it - but at times it still angers me. Alanon was
extremely helpful to me, but this site is even more
helpful because you all are going through it right now. I
found in Alanon that everyone is the groups that I went
to either had husbands in AA or had divorced. I need
people who are going through exactly what I am going
through right now. I, of course, see things better today -
things always seem so bleak at night. I just needed to
get some of this out and I thank you all for letting me
use you as my sounding board. I don't have the time or
energy for counseling (have done that for several
years) and just need to let off some steam sometimes.
It is so comforting to have a group of ladies who know
exactly what I am going through. I only wish you all
lived in my hometown so I could meet you.

Thanks, Ceil

Feel free to let off the steam hear girl!! We all can relate. Where is it you live?

Roanoke, Virginia.

Hey guys, I am just checking in. I would like to ask you guys for some prayers. Things are going real tough here. Keep strong everyone. I miss you guys.

Hi everyone...I keep thinking I'll post here more often and then I go and get all internal and keep wanting to deal with everything on my own. That's something I need to get over. It's been a real shitty couple of weeks even though some good has occurred. To start with the bad...We just keep finding out that more and more of our "friends" are not such. People who originally said "how can they do this to him? He doesn't deserve this..." I guess the reality of prison hit them and they don't want to have a friend who is in prison. The worst of it all is they all tell me that they think I'm making a mistake by standing by him but that they are here for me if I need them, but that they just cant stand beside Shawn. Well guess what?? I don't want friends or "support" from someone who is ashamed of my husband. Who isn't a friend. I get so scared that our whole life is going to be like this. The ironic thing of it all is that these people who say that life is going to be hard for us are the same people who are making all the more hard right now. The rest of the difficulties of life would be much easier with a support system of friends who I knew were true. It's times like today that I do feel like giving up. And yet as I say that I start to cry. I just wish that he could be here to hold me and remind me that we have each other and that we will make it through this. I know that this person wasn't the first to leave us as a friend and I know that she won't be the last either. What almost amuses me more than anything is that my friends, who never knew Shawn before and only know him as my husband who is in jail, are more supportive of him than those who were supposed to be his friends.

Onto the better news. Shawn was transfered to a private prison. Due to overcrowding in the WA system they transfered him to Minnesotta. At first it was not something that we were happy about. I already had tickets and reservations in WA to go visit him for my birthday and they gave us about three days notice on his transfer. However, it looks like I will be able to visit him for my birthday this week in the new facility. So far it looks like a good thing. Though there is someone that was transfered with him from another facility that is on his keep separates list. When he told me this, apparently the "powers that be" were listening in on the line and threatened to send him to administrative segregation if he didn't tell them who it was. The funniest part of the whole thing was that he said the guys name on the phone and if they really want a name all they have to do is LOOK on his separates list. But I guess that's to logical for them.

I'm sorry, I'm feeling rather cynical and upset today and needed to vent. I've forgiven Shawn for what he did that got us into this situation but there are days and times where I still get angry at him for us being in this situation. And it is hard to know that this will be our arrangement for at least the next seven and a half years. I get bitter sometimes and I guess today is one of those days.

I should go, I've taken up more than enough space on here venting. I'm going to go see if Shawn is trying to call by chance. I need him so much.

sera_ashleigh

Sera,

I'm glad you posted. Just writing on this site is so
helpful to me! I wonder what people who tell you to
leave your husband think will happen if you do it. Will
you life suddenly become wonderful? No - only then
you would also have to deal with the pain of divorcing
your husb and. I think people think that it will solve our
pro blems, but it will just create more. You will still be
alone with the problems, you will just have more
because you won't be with the one you love. And as
you can see from my past posts, I've been doing my
share of venting also. Last week I was so angry at my
husband and now today I know that God brought us
together and most people look for the love that we
have. It is extremely hard at times, but I have to trust
that since God wants me to stand by my husband - and
so far I haven't heard anything differently - that God will
bring us through. When I tell people that I am doing
what God wants me to do, it usually shuts them up,
because who can argue with God? Anyway, thanks for
writing and use this site because it helps me to see
thhat others are going through the same things I am.

Ceil

Hi All-

Toni I am praying for you. I know it's hard but hold on because good things are going to happen. I pray that you can stay healthy!! Just know we love you, I wish I was there to help.

Cecil and Sera- Like Janine said...vent all you want. I have been there, done that and still doing it. ;) I used to get upset that my husband put us in this position. He tells me all the time that he should have listen to me obtaining his dreams got the best of him. In the very beginning I felt like you Cecil. I got TIRED of lawyers and appeals and the whole nine yards. He was just so desperate.."you need to do this and that", I couldn't take it. He put himself in that position and then wanted me to jump through hoops. He got over that but there are still a few things that I have to take care of. If I never see another court in my life I will be happy. I never experienced any of that before my husand so it's all new to me. But now I have forgiven my husband and I believe God need to sit him down for a time. I just wasn't expecting 5yrs. It's been 18 months and I still find it hard to believe he is in jail and it will be a little more than two years before he comes home. I try not to think about it too much. I do miss him terribly

Hi, I hope you guys have a great weekend. Things are straightening out here a bit. It has been a very difficult and expensive time and I am still in transition trying to move weeks after I packed all my belongings away. My car broke and was in the shop for almost 4 weeks which meant I had to walk everywhere and that is both good and bad for my health. Finally, 900.00 later I had the car towed to another shop and they fixed in for 275.00. (I had to borrow all of that) They found that the first shop had done something that would have resulted in me blowing up if the car had actually started. So, I guess I'm lucky they didn't get it to start. I still regret not being able to go to the Centerforce summit in California. I look forward to the positive input each year. I am thinking of getting my teaching certificate for the k-12 schools. I am also going to apprentice in the film industry this summer I hope. I am unclear if I can really hold down a job due to the amount of pain and fatigue that accompanies my illness during the fall and winter months but I have got to do something. I have lost nearly every worldly possession due to being ill the last couple of years. Hopefully, I can pull this out and start being of assistance to my loved ones again and my husband will be able to have a home to come home too. I haven't sold a book in a long time but have managed to send 4 out to prisoners who had no money so at least they are getting some support. Take care everyone. Oh, I recommend "The Notebook" as a film to see if you are in the mood for a no holds bared romance. It was wonderful. It is making the rounds at the cheap movie theaters now. :) God and the movies keeps me going. Hee!

Toni:
I know you don't know me (I have only contributed twice) But I have read all of the past postings and so feel like I know you. I am so sorry to hear about your car, seems one would need it more when they move and then, of course, the darn thing breaks down?! I would encourage you to teach if you can , even part-time, I have a 19 month old and would certainly want someone as caring and open-minded as you teaching, unfortunatly, alot of people, like the daycare "teachers" my son has are either very young, or very conservative. Since my son has a father that is incarcerated (and I know he is not alone) it would be nice to have someone in the public school system (even if you're not in our system) who understands that. I don't know and have not yet explored what that does to kids. Obviously, my son is too young to understand or articulate that, but in ultra-conservative Minnesota (where we live) I would guess that if my son vocalizes that, he will be greeted with horror and teasing. Actually he was in a home daycare program and the daycare person knew nothing about my son's father. But back in August, since my son talks about "Dadda" or tries to, I thought I should tell her that he has a daddy he sees and knows. Three days later, she told me she thought that it "wasn't working out" and I had to find new daycare. There had been no complaints about my son's behavior or anything else. In fact, the written report I have from her are that he was well-behaved. Her reason was that since I was a single mother and did not have "back-up" daycare, she was not a good choice for us. Ridiculous, of course, since she had known this since he started there more than a year ago, she just didn't know exactly where his dad was. I tried calling the county (who licenses her) to complain that he was being discriminated against, but even the worker was rather unimpressed. He said "I should try to work it out" and that maybe it had nothing to do with his father. I guess if its not racial discrimantion or sexual orientation, no one cares. So I ended up putting him in a center and to avoid this problem, I put down that I was "widowed". But I am ashamed of doing that, both for my son and myself. He still sees Daddy and talks about him, maybe they will think that its a boyfriend or something.-- About The NoteBook, I didn't see the movie, but read the book, ver short but you are right VERY romantic-- would definetly recommend. Take care Toni-- you are an inspiration!
Susanne Glasser

I am a third grade teacher in a city school and have always had at least one child - if not more - who has a parent incarcerated. When I get really down about my situation, I am reminded how it helps me interact with my students. Thanks, Susanne, for reminding me of this again. I'm sorry to hear about the treatment you have been receiving. The funny thing is, I bet that everyone of those people have a family member or friend or something who has been incarcerated or in some kind of trouble. I have found this true with everyone I have talked to. Unfortunately, these same people that you are talking about are probably the ones who don't acknowledge them either.

Thanks everyone for being here for me again.

Ceil:
thanks for your input. I am glad to know that there is a teacher who understands this situation. I do think that there is alot of bias out there and the children of incarcerated parents are already suffering enough without having "attitude" from others. I agree though that with the number of people this country incarcerates, everybody or almost everybody, knows someone. Its sad that they don't acknowledge them. thanks again Ceil!
susanne

Hi guys,
In response to the dads being away and how the schools handle it. I personally found no problems with the situation. At first I was ashamed and felt degrated so I didn't mention it but after I personally got past it I didn't see any problems. I have a core letter that I would give the new teacher each year explaining our situation and for her to not be alarmed if my son spoke of daddy and where he was. I asked her to let him speak freely about it as we do at home and that he knew the entire situation that got daddy where he was and we have learned by our mistakes. I think if you head it off from the start they may have more respect for you and the situation. Maybe not but I believe I felt better about heading off rather than it trickling out as though I was ashamed. Hey, people make mistakes. I guarantee that they know people close to them that have made mistakes. Some were punished some may not have been. If they are to high and mighty to see past it then I pitty them instead. I have been very involved in my son's school and have gotten to know each of his teachers fairly well. I believe once they know me and my son and how well he is in school they can see that he has been raised well. How bad could his father be? I could totally be wrong, maybe they did look down upon me but I held my head high and never suspected it. When he did come home the front office and the past teachers were very excited for me and also when I announce our baby. All in all we leave elementary school after this year and will also leave behind the stigma, if there is one.
Speaking of baby, I am doing fairly well but the baby is doing great. So all systems are a go I suppose. I have a difficult time sleeping now. I am at 33 weeks already! Hard to believe. Our house never sold so we are taking it off the market this week. God had different plans for us I suppose. We are okay with that though. There isn't anything terribly wrong with the house we just wanted more space before baby came.
Take care all,

Janine

Sera:
I just saw your post indicating that your husband was transferred to Minnesota. My husband is in Moose Lake, MN. He was in St cloud, so if you need any inside info on visiting at either of those places let me know (St. Cloud is VERY particualr about clothing)
Susanne

Susanne-

Thank you for the offer. I'm not too sure where Moose Lake is but I certainly saw St Cloud driving back to Chicago. My husband was moved to a private facility. It is owned and operated by CCA and the facility is called Prairie Correctional Facility. It is in Appleton, MN. The drive from Chicago takes about 10 hours! I just got back home late last night and am exhausted today.

We had an interesting time of our visit. Here's the little bit of background needed for this story...In WA state, my husband had a job as a janitor. Actually he had a few janitorial positions and with all of them it didn't matter what hours you were scheduled, when you were done cleaning, you were free to do whatever you wanted. Shawn got to MN and got a job as a shower porter. His shift was 6-12 and the other guy had the 12-6. Now, to clean the showers, no one can be in there, so unless they want the showers closed down from 6am til 6pm the guys have to clean around people wanting to shower. Shawn gets up bright and early and goes in and cleans the shower. When he was done, he went outside for a bit. He'd come back a few hours later and check to make sure it was still clean. If anything was disrupted, he would clean it up. Rinse, repeat as necessary until noon.

Well this Wednesday he did things as usual, and same on Thursday. I was scheduled to come out on Thursday to begin visiting him on Friday thru Monday. On Thursday they come after him in the weight room, throw him down on the floor, handcuff him and take him off to segregation.

Now when you go to seg, you don't get phone access so he wasn't able to call me to tell me that this happened. So when I get there on Friday for visiting (ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!) I'm told that they put him in segregation and that instead of a four hour contact visit that we can only have a one hour non-contact thru glass with a telephone visit. When the bring him in he is shackled at the ankles, has chains around his waist, his handcuffs are thru the waist chains. He has a guard on either side of him holding him by the arm, and a third guard video taping the whole thing. All for leaving work early!

They are saying that he was willfully refusing to program (meaning have a job or go to school) The funniest part of the whole thing is that they had to fire him from his job to write him up for this and the day before he sent out a request to register for school.

After our one hour visit (on which he was so upset about the whole thing that he forgot to wish me a happy birthday--which of course just upset me even more)they asked if I was coming back the next day and I said yes and was told to OK my visit at the front desk. When I did this, I was told that while he can have four one hour visits in a month that it was only one per week so I was not going to be able to see him any more this weekend.

Of course the whole way back to my dinky hotel, I was in tears just screaming and crying about the whole thing. Then I did something that shocked even my husband to his very core...I got on the phone and raised a stink at the prison. They at first told me they would call me back on Monday and I told them that that was unacceptable that I needed to talk to someone NOW. I explained the situation and asked that they move his hearing up to Friday afternoon or Saturday morning. Pretty quickly the Head of Security for the Prison called me back and told me that they would hold the hearing Saturday morning and then send him back to general population and then we would be able to resume regular visits. Thankfully they kept their word and we visited Saturday afternoon all day Sunday and all Monday morning.

He told me that this stuff isn't uncommon at this place and that one guy said his wife calls the governor every time something happens. Fixes it right up.

The worst part about the whole thing is that there are only five reasons (based on the rules that he has in his possession) that they can send him to segregation like they did. Threat to self, threat to others, threat to the institution, threat to self from others and threat to escape. If leaving work early meets those, I'm amazed. I wonder if the guards have ever left early and if they would appreciate this kind of treatment for that. I was just blown away by the whole thing. When I called them and told them that they were violating their own policies not to mention Washington State policies, things started happening.

Was an eventful weekend to say the least, but at least I learned that I can make a difference for Shawn. That when I stand up for what's right and what's supposed to be, that things can happen.

To everyone who has been so supportive, thank you very much. Venting here does help. To know that real people are listening makes a big difference.

And on that note, I really have to run...I have to get over to a friends house to visit...Hope everyone is doing well....Have a great day!

God Bless,
sera_ashleigh

Hello Prisoner of Love Family ,

My name is Ms Linda AKA Prophetess L. Sconiers, a Christian Woman of God with a word in My mouth for Mothers and Wives of Prisoners and the word of the Lord is this >

Many of your sons & husbands shall be delivered from prison before time for the mouth of the Lord has spoken, I shall reveal secret things said God that will clear their names and evidence that has been tampered with I shall expose the liars of many in authority know that I am the King of kings and the Lord of Lord beside me there is no other you must know that I am greater than man and when I move who can hinder, and for many sons and husbands who are guilty I will show them My grace , My son Jesus die for the guilty amany has been forgiven in heaven and I am coming now to drop the charge on Earth , fear not my daughters your prayers has been heard !

God Bless You Prisoners Mothers and Wives
written by, Prophetess L. Sconiers
AKA Ms Linda

Website: www.jesusivlife.org
Email : jesusivlife@pacbell.net

Ministry office (323) 294-7322

Mailing Address : Jesus IV Life, Inc
PO Box 56475
Los Angeles , CA 90056

Hi, thanks for the belief in my ability to teach. My girls went through a lot because of my husband's incarceration. The thing is,they, now adults, say they learned so much about human nature and people in general that they really are glad it all happened.
Your children will be their teacher's teacher. I found it good to share a little about the topic of incarceration with the girls so they had some fun facts they could use to educate the people who were ignorant to the plight and not being as fair to them as they should be. My one daughter spent a few days in the principls office because she disageed calmly armed with good information on the topics of prison health care and exercise. It started to happen over and over again because the teacher was of the "They need to get bread and water and die in there." mind set. Pretty soon the principle just smiled and told her to sit down until the class was over without asking her why she was there.
OH, THIS IS IMPORTANT! MAKE SURE TO CHECK WITH YOUR CHILDREN IF THEY ARE GETTING DISAPLINED AT SCHOOL WITHOUT YOU BEING CALLED IN. It happened to us several time. My kids were beign treated horribly and I didn't know about it. Vendictive stuff like expelling my daughter on the last 1/2 day of school as a "distraction." The entire class became a distraction because it didn't make any sense. Stupid stuff.
Make sure your child is getting the standard punishment and not a greater one because they are a prisoner's kid.
If you ever want me to send a teacher a POL book you just let me know. I know it opens a lot of eyes and makes people feel our pain instead of study it. The only think I say is if I am sending it out on my own expect it to take a while because I don't always have the darn postage. Amazing!
I often hear, "His dad is in prison" as an excuse for the child being in trouble all the time and stuff and well, I know a bunch of A student prisoner's kids and it is all in what is expected of them and how much trauma there was around the arrest and how it was dealt with and is dealt with and the simple stuff like if they get the right sleep, food and boundries at home just like every other kid. If our kids do something wrong they are held up as examples as what incarceration does to a child and how it is intergenerational and if they do good they are invisable. People want our children to be different. They want our children to be harder to deal with, harder to trust because if they aren't then what are they doing wrong with their kids? My advice is to volunteer at the school often. Loving the kids is the best thing any teacher or parent can do. :) I'm glad the 3rd graders have a chance! :) That is a pivitol age and I'm glad they have a good teacher.
Okay, I am rambling. It is time to go the place I am doing my computer stuff is closing. I might be MIA for a while. You guys take care. Oh, the car finally got fixed. It cost me my whole moving budget.
Toni

hello im new to this group and well i live in Tn and wanted to talk to sumone about my fiancee who is in jail and how to help him adjust even though he will be home soon he has a different attitude towards society and not a good one.Said everyone has made him cold and this isnt the man I fell in love with and wanted to know does it change when he comes home??? please write me at bjsangel3@hotmail.com with your comments ty.God Bless Bjsangel

hey everyone i'm new to this sight my husband was sentenced two years in prison it is really hard it has already been 5 months i really need some advice so if anyone could help please let me know we have 6 kids all together and it is so hard they want to go see him but i am scared that it will cause more pain in our family i have my bad days where all i want to do is just stay in the house all day it just hurts so much what can i do to help me through it

krazygurl-

I remember how hard the first few months were for us. The best and the worst thing I can say to you is, it will get better. It's the best because it is true that it won't always be so awful, but it's the worst because it is probably the last thing you want to hear right now.

I have a degree in psychology with a focus on child development. I don't want to give a blanket statement and say that it would be good for the kids to see him, because I don't know what he did etc...But in general, I would say that as long as the children weren't victimized in any way, it is good for them to see him. It is good for you to see him and it is good for HIM to see all of you. My husband has told me on several occasions that it was my visits that got him through the harder times. The knowledge that I was coming soon gave him something to look forward to as well as a motivation to keep his good behavior up.

Believe me, we all have our bad days. I have days where I just want to give up and walk away. Not because I don't love him or want to be with him, but because I just don't think I can do it anymore. But then a few days later, he calls and something he says reminds me that it is worth it.

Hang in there. Assuming that you want things to work out with your husband, the best advice I can give you is to keep in touch with him. Phone calls when you can, visits, and letters. Lots of letters. Feel free to email me if you like. xbaby_slavex@hotmail.com Hope I was able to help at least a little...

sera_ashleigh

Welcome to the group Krazygurl and Deborah! Sorry that you have to join a group like this but we have all been there and know what your going through. Deborah, not sure what to say to make things easier on your man as I have never been on that side. I know my husband was bitter for the first 1 1/2 years. In his testimony he refers to the 1 1/2 year mark as "When he came inside." Aparently the other guys there told him "to come inside" or it was going to eat away at him. At that point he was able to let go of us on the outside and give us to God and he was able to focus on what he needed to do for himself to make things better. Not sure how long your man has done or will do but I am pretty sure he will bounce back to the old him. My husband did 5 1/2 years and has been home now almost a year and he seems like his old self again. He may keep a lot of it inside as they taught him in his classes before leaving that not everyone wants to hear about prison life. He doesn't seem hardened much but does seem to have lost some of his playfulness. I see it come out at times but not as much as it used to. Maybe time will release it again.
Krazygurl,
I agree with Sera, you should keep the kids in touch as long as there was no harm done to them. I kept my husband very alive for our son during the years he was gone. Phone calls every day, letters and school work sent, and as many visits as I could afford and fit into our busy schedule.
Take care all,

Janine

Welcome new folks! You guys keep your collective chin up! Just be good to yourself and send out love and it will return to you. I want to remind you to sign your kids up for angel tree so they get a present at the holiday from your incarcerated loved one. My kids are adults and now I have to alternate my visits with them because they still visit on their own. It was a huge deal for them the first time they could drive themselves to the prison and go inside and visit all by theirselves. They liked having the time alone. Keep the link. It will soon be their job to decide if they want to keep the link or not. As long as they were not victims of the crime like the other lady said. Now, when I don't approve of their life-style and am upset or something my husband is able to come up to bat for them or to support me and explain the other point of view to one or both of us just like in a normal family and it makes a big difference in their lives to be able to have a second parent to share their lives with. Trust has to be established between the parent inside and the child outside. If they are not open to hearing the child's reality then it isn't so cool but it still matters. Sorry if I am not making sense. I am stressed to the max by my life at present. My husband is doing great and is still helping folks at the prison and being published here and there. Now if I could get my own life on track it would be great. My health is acting up at a time when my life depends on me being able to earn a living.
Take care,
Toni

hey everyone thanks fo the advice this web sight really helps me out alot i know im not alone i just wish i could be as strong as you i love this man so much sometimes i just feel like giving up because its so hard and i just feel so alone i finally got to visit him today and yesteday for six hours we finally got to hug each other but it was so much harder to leave i try my best to smile but as soon as i leave i start crying and cant stop but deep down i know that we will make it he is my solmate it is real tough because it is so hard for him to trust me you know everyone around me tells me that it will get alot harder when he gets out is that true i just dont thank i could take anymore pain oh one more thing how do you sign up for the angel tree im new at this and i need all the help i can get

krazygurl-

You are not alone. I haven't posted much on this site though I keep meaning to. I'm getting a bit better at it though recently, but even as sporadically as I post, the women here have been wonderful.

I'm glad to hear that you had a visit. I know it can be very hard when you have to leave visiting, but that does get easier as well. I used to cry every time I left visiting, and then it became only at the end of the weekend and the last time I visited I just got teary eyed but never actually cried. It does get easier.

Trust is something that takes time to rebuild. But as long as you are honest with him and let him know that you want him to be honest with you (even if it might hurt) I can give you an almost 100% guarantee that you will both gain a greater insight into each other which will let you build a better foundation for a long lasting relationship that can extend after his release date.

I don't know what it is like to be with someone after release. My husband has never been in prison until now and he won't be home for over 7 more years yet. However there are some women on this site that have made that transition already and thankfully they have continued on here to pass on their insight and wisdom on what those days may hold for all of us.

I'm sorry I don't have any information about angel tree, as we don't have any children, but I'm sure there are several women on here that can pass that info along to you. You are certainly in the right place to be looking for help and support. Hang in there, keep your chin up and don't let that man of yours forget how important he is to you. He needs your support just as much as you need support right now.

God bless,
sera

Hey Everyone, I have been visiting this site for several months and this is the first time to write. My fiance just got sent to prison for 4 years, after spending over 2 in the county jail. It has been a rough road but now that we know exactly what we have to face it seems a bit better. we just had a 4 hour visit which included our first hug and kiss in over 2 years as the county had video visits only. I swear i fell in love with him all over again and i know with the help of the Lord and great people llke you all we will get through this. Many of my family and so called friends just dont understand why I am waiting and being so dedicated. They make me so upset I dont even care to be around them. I will never give up on him and I wish I knew how to make them understand. Well thanks for listening, and remaining strong, thats what it takes.

Sera:
It sounds like visiting lovely MN was not much fun for you. I don't know much about the private prisons, but if they are anything like the ones run by MN DOC, the guards are not that great-- as my husband says "one lies and the other one backs him up!" I was banned from visiting a year ago for three months because the guards said that I "innapropriately touched" my husband, whatever that means. And I really don't know what they meant because I was never permitted to see a report or even know exactly what the allegation was. The guards told Rob they had it on video tape, but neither he nor I were ever allowed to see it. We appealed, but the ban remained in place.
Now, three weeks after he was moved to a new facility, they say his 19 month old son cannot visit because "we used him to accomplish the touching" Again, whatever that means. We had never heard that allegation before and the new facility claims the old facility screwed up and that my son should have been banned. We have no idea what they are talking about and again, we have been denied access to reports or any evidence of this. so we don't even know what we are being accused of. How does one "use" a baby to accomplish "innapropriate touching" in a public visitng room?! Anyway, we are appealing, but I have little faith since we don't even know exactly what it is that we have to appeal as we don't really know what we are accused of doing. Meanwhile it is hard for me to visit as Rob is three hours away and finding someone to watch my son for 10 hours is difficult.
Anway, the point of this story is that it unfortunately does not surprise me that your Shawn was treated so unfairly, seems to happen all the time on the inside. Fortunately for you, you were able to resolve the situation.
Susanne

toni:
On angel tree-- last year my husband was able to sign up for it in prison, do I still need to do it too? I jsut don't want to mess anything up if he signs up as well (which I know he has done) thanks, if you know
Susanne

Ladies,

It's good to see so much activity on this site! I'm coming out of one of my "I can't do this anymore and I'm just walking away." God has shown me so clearly that I am doing HIS will by staying in my marriage and keeping my family together. I agree with what others have written about letting children see their father. I have three children and they are fine knowing where he is and being able to see him. As a teacher, I have seen children be affected by NOT being able to see their father and by having no contact with him. I think that children just want to see their father and they don't care where.

My understanding on Angle Tree - at least in Virginia - is that it is something that the inmate signs up for. You can find Angle Tree on the internet under Prison Fellowship. This will give you more information.

It is always such a comfort to know that there are other women out there working to keep their families together! Families are not disposal. Thanks for supporting me through your own stories.

Ceil

Ceil:
I am having "one of those days" too. Keep coming back here looking for postings to help me through. I guess I just have had a bad week, in the above postings, I detail the visitng problems I have had, then on Friday I had an auto accident (all my fault, I rear-eneded s.b.), I have a mother who is bi-polar and refusing to take her meds, which causes her to run amok, so to speak, and my dad is just very needy. Of course, Rob tries to help, from where he is, but what I really want is to have him here with me, to hold and tell me it will be ok.
Anyway, I know I am doing the pity thing today, guess we all do sometimes.
But I did have a question for you, my boy is 19 mos, I know, too young to understand alot, but his dad will be in until he is 4 1/2, I would guess he is going to start asking where Daddy is on week days etc in the next year or so. Because of his age, what should I tell him? This issue really bothers me, but I know he is not and will not be even by the time Daddy gets out old enough to understand, any thoughts?
Also, I wanted to comment to everybody who posts that there is so much strength andloyalty among you, I am proud to be a part of this comunity of strong women!
susanne

Susanne,

I have three children - two girls ages 6 and 4 and a boy 18 months. Since he is still in the local jail, we visit twice a week and have to talk through the glass. Michael knows when we walk up that his Daddy is there and he gives him kisses through the glass. I don't know what I'll do if he ever asks about it later. I think one thing that helps my girls is that there are always other kids there to play with, so it is actually fun for them go and visit. Plus they see all these other people there, too. What I try to do - and what works best when I do, but I don't always do it - is to maintain as normal as a home as I can and to talk about Daddy and when he comes home and include him in as much conversation about our family as possible. Right now we are looking at him doing 8 years. We are hoping to get an appeal before he goes down the road, but right now it is 8 years. I know there are going to be some really hard times in the future, but if I just keep my mind on today everything seems to be fine. I believe that when my children see me doing fine and loving their Daddy and our lives going on, they are fine. IO'm saying all this now, but tomorrow I may be on here fussing and whining and complaining and everything else. It's funny, the phone just rang and my daughters know "what to press" when it is Daddy.

Ceil

Susanne-

My personal advice is to be as honest as possible with your son as he asks questions. Kind of like "where do babies come from?" Give him just as much information as he needs to answer his questions. He will lead you. The most important thing is to make sure that you are straight forward with him and do not lie or sugar coat things. One of the best things to say most of the time is something along the lines of, "Daddy did something wrong and had to be...punished, or take a time out," or whatever kind of terminology you use around the house. Keep it simple. He doesn't need details right now...that situation will arise down the road.

I hope that some of what I said has helped at least a little. Of course these are just my opinions and I can't say that I have any studies or antyhing to back up my theories, just what I learned in school and what I've extrapolated from it.

I hope everyone is doing well. It was a hard weekend for me. One of my oldest friends was married this weekend and being in her wedding was very hard because Shawn wasn't there with me. And of course I kept imagining us up there exchanging vows and crying because that was how it should have been. Just an emotional weekend to say the least.

Hugs all around, God bless...

sera

Hi guys. If you haven't moved it should be okay for Angel tree year after year. At least it was here. The inmate is supposed to do the sign up but I have helped folks get it done on this side before if a chaplin was being kind of a stinker. It really made a difference in my girls lives as every once in a while I was unemployed or ill at the holiday season and the party they offered and gifts really made a huge difference and Johnny was thrilled that at least on this one day his girls didn't have to go without because of his incarceration.
On the book review area a young person from Europe has posted needing input. I though someone from a younger age group might be a good friend for he/she. FYI I am going to ask them to post here because it is one of the more active spots on the site.
My situation is very odd. 2 years ago I was making 37,500 and one stress provoking job and Johnny not getting paroled and my illness took off again and boom...here I am. Oct 14th I will be officially homeless. I have land down south and I am moving down there with my pets in a tent. I am studying how to build an "earthship" solar powered/haybale house and how to live off the land including raising bees and hay. My lupus has acted up no doubt as a result of going Native so I am unsure how soon I will be able to get my teaching certificate or how realistic it is for someone with my health problems to be a teacher other than doing tutoring in my home. (when I build it) LOL. I am learning a lot about farming, and things of that nature so I am not afraid of the sitaution although I would rather have everything back to normal. I also lived in Turkey and have lived close to the land before for fun so I have at least a clear idea of what I am getting into. I am hoping to look at all this as a very late blooming hippy instead of a homeless woman. I am taping the situation for a group who wants to show my daughters and I working on the project. It will be okay. I have to have a home for JOhnny to come home to for one reason. My mom has given me an open invitation to move to AZ and if it really sucks to live as some of my ancestors did then I will move there. But right now I am going to give this a try. I'm pretty good at drafting and fixing things so this is not out of my range of possibilities but I have to go slow and stay warm or I will be like the tin man. :)
Take care,
Toni

Toni:
Oh my goodness, you are having a rough time. I feel so bad for you, especially since you have done so much to help the rest of us with your web page and strength. I am wondering about ways to help, I am a MN civil attorney and want to help, if I can, please email me: suglasser@hotmail.com or sglasser@aafedt.com
susanne

Hello everyone,

This is my first time doing this. It is nice to see there are people like me that have the same feelings that I do. My husband has been incarcerated for almost 4 years now he has six to go (minus good credits)if he does not get paroled. He has a parole hearing coming up, this is not his first, but I am very nervous. I would like to say that time makes him being gone eaiser, but it does not there is not a moment of any day that I do not wish he were here with me. We have 3 childern and have been married now for 14 years. He owns my heart and I have stood by him through all of this not because I've had to but because I've wanted to. When I married him I truly belived in our vows. He is a good man, but I worry what this has done to him. What will he be like when he does get to come home. I do not know if I am more nervous of that or the fact he will not get paroled. Regardless, I do want him to come home to us. Thanks for listening

Sherry

I am new one here at this page and i want to know about the details is any body who wil help me

Hi guys,
I wonder what happened to my last post, it disappeared. Maybe I logged out too quick, oh well. Here I am again! :-)
I was reading ALL the post, so good to see new people. My thoughts on what to tell your little one... We always told our son the truth. He was only 4 when everything started and had just turned 5 when daddy left. We told him daddy had to go to time out for breaking the rules. As time progressed our son understood more and was never ashamed of where daddy was. We spoke open and freely about it and I also kept him alive in our home by always talking about daddy and when he comes home we will... I did meet another mom during his sentence that her husband was in also but for only 2 years. She had a 4 yrs. old and a 8 yrs. old at the time. She was ashamed and not honest with her children. She told them daddy was working and when they visited him at the CAMP they had play grounds and such. She didn't think they believed her but she continued her story and swears by it today. I am not saying either way is the right way. I suppose whatever works for you and your family.
Toni,
I am sorry to hear of your tough times. Funny how God continues to get us through even the toughest of times. I can't say things were ever that monetarily (sp?) so I can't really relate. I do know that God will prevail and you don't have anything to worry about. Will we hear from you still? Is there a local library that you can still get on line at? You are in our prayers!

Welcome Sherry,
Everything will fall right into place when he does come home. I speak from experience. If your love is as strong as you say it is it will all work out.
Annonymous,
Welcome! What is it your needing help with? We are all here to listen!

All,
I am now 35 weeks along in my pregnancy and anxiously awaiting our lil' bundle of joy. Can't wait to start my maternity leave. If everything goes well I won't be back until early February. I do have a computer at home but it is soooooo slow I hardly ever get on it. I will check in from time to time though to see how everyone is doing. Everything is going so well. Husband has taken on side work that conveniently fits into his regular work schedule and it is on going. PTL! Our son has adjusted so well to daddy being home it is so cute to watch them. They are going on a Cub Scout camp out this weekend. They went to the drag races 2 weeks ago. Just doing father son stuff like normal families. It brings tears to my eyes to watch them. Last night at bed time we were getting ready to say prayers and our son was already under the covers and the incredible gaze he peered into his daddy's eyes almost made me loose it. I said it out loud and our son just kept looking at daddy, almost like into his soul. I know that sounds crazy but it was overwhelming for me to witness. I guess you had to be there. I will hold that moment dear to me. You guys take care and have a great day! I will try to keep you posted on when I leave for maternity leave.

Janine

Janine:
Your story about your husband and son brought tears to my eyes, it is so wonderful that after being gone 5 1/2 years their relationship is so close. I dream of that day for my son and husband. Your story gives me so much hope, you made it through those long years and survived, keeping your family intact. I am so happy you keep posting, I will miss you when you are on maternity leave.
Susanne

Hey all...

Today is the two year mark from when this whole nightmare began for us. I've spent most of the day looking at the clock and thinking about what I was doing at that time two years ago. The positive side to it is looking back over the past two years and realizing how fast they have gone by. I can't help but think that if these past two years went by this fast, the next 7 will go by fast too. I can do what we've done a few more times. One foot in front of the other. Not much else to say right now. Just very focused on the time today...

sera

Sera:
I know about the time thing. Every year on Nov. 22 (the date of Rob's conviction) and April 7 (the date of his sentencing) I do the same thing. But the other thing I think about is how far I have come. I wouldn't go back for anything. I think all of us who post agree that this the hardest thing we have ever done, but we are stronger because of it. Two years! I am almost there too, and I think we ought to congratulate ourselves on surviving this for two years and you are right, the next seven shall pass too, probably more quickly than we can imagine! Take care,
Susanne

Hello Ladies-

I just want to say Congratulations!! for making it this far. My husband and I haven't hit the two year mark yet (March 3rd), but I have survived for 19months. Yeah I feel the same way, on the whole the time has gone by quickly, it's when I break it down day by day that the time seems to drag. This whole ordeal has been a learning experience for me. And let me just say I have learned ALOT about myself, my husband and this entire nightmare. Sometimes I ask myself why am I staying? My husband wasn't forth right with alot of information about himself and his past/current life, and I've taken a big hit finanically because of him. Some weeks I feel like the burden is just too much. But then a feeling of peace comes over me because I know I am supposed to be here to help my husband through this phase in his live. I married with all his faults and treasures. What keeps me going is knowing God is in control and he will be a better person because of this. My husband is a wonderful person who made some bad decisions. When he's home he treats me like a queen, always finding creative ways to shower me with love and affection. Even now he is still finding ways. We have alittle more the 2 1/2 years to go and that seems like a life time. How will I ever get through??? I know I'm jumping around here. Thanks for listening ;)

Hi Rob: (same name as my husband!)
I know how you feel. My husband's conviction has cost my son and I alot and there are days when I wonder why I am doing this. But like you, I know in my heart that I am meant to be beside him supporting him through this. Not the lot in life I would have chosen, but then I guess we don't always get to choose. Hang in there, you have 2 1/2 years, I have 3, we will make it!
Susanne

Hi, gang! I am really in a rough spot and wanted to tell you guys I am going off the grid for a while. How long I do not know. I will look into a library situation. I have decided to not do the newsletter any longer because I didn't have enough contributions from others and I only had about 3 paid subscriptions ( if you are one and I still owe you some newsletters let me know and I will refund you.) I have also decided to stop selling the books and just try and pay off the rest of my portion of the publishing and find organizations that will pass them out or sell them or what every. The other day when my car was broken down and I didn't have the money to do anything I received a letter from a prisoner who told me about his wife. I told him that I was soon to be homeless an would send a book to his wife for free when I could. It took me two weeks and I walked 10 miles to do it and guess what? He sent me a kind of curt letter telling me that I didn't do what I said I would and blah, blah, blah. She got the book probably the day he wrote me the letter. You know, it hurt my feelings and opened my eyes to the fact that I can't put my own life before those that I have been trying to help. I expect to leave for Corsicana on the 13th and I will live on the land in a tent until I get some money about on the 5th which might get me a place. I am pretty upset. I can work part time now. I feel it. But I just found out that someone who wanted to wait for some money until my husband came home also wants it now. It is raining and pouring and I don't have anything left to give.
You guys keep going and know that I am with you in spirit. My dogs will be with me and they are good companinons and protection. There is a person to make a difference in every situation but I am pretty sure I am not the person or things would have gone a little better for me. :)
Take care,
Toni

Toni, hang in there. I don't write alot on here but I read the posts daily and you are always an inspiration to me. I know I speak for everyone when I say that you are always in our thoughts and prayers. Please, do not ever lose your faith, I know in my heart it will all work out.

God Bless

Hi Toni-

UGH!!! Your posting brought tears to my eyes. Hold on, change is coming. Good things are planned for you. Oh....I just don't know what to do. Do you have an address or a P.O. box number? I'll try to send you something to help. I hate the fact that you are out there by yourself with very little. I'll worry about you, wondering what is going on, where you are. Is there no one you can stay with until you get on your feet?

You have been an inspiration to all of us and touched a special place in our lives. You are right though, right now your only concern is YOU!! There is nothing selfish about that. You have to take care of Toni before you can help others. Do you still have my phone number somewhere? I can always call you back so that you don't have to pay for the call.

Stay STRONG!!

i just wanted to say that i have a boyfriend that is incarcerated and has been for about 5 yrs and we are trying everything we can to get a review for early parole as his is not until oct 05 and since they reviewed it this last april and denied it they will not look at it again for a year anyway all this was found out recently when we thought we had some hope of a release maybe sooner than later anyway i have to say this when i got this news from my friend who was doing some researching for me i got real down and that is when i decided to seek out some support tyoe group or something to meet others dealing with this to give myself some necouragement and hope and this site has done that and then some, it has been so nice to come to a place where noones judges my situation but understands exactly what i feel, but more than that i want to say i realize now how lucky i am reading yalls stories and posts shows me there is always someone who has not a worse but more diddifcult situation, my boyfriend is on work release and so i do get to see him, only because we work fir the same boss just in diff companies, and when i get down that i only get to see him for 5 min as opposed to getting to spend an hour with him i sometimes get selfish and i realize now even more that i am lucky to have a relationship at all with him and i know one day i will get his knowledge about it all as far as knowing we are lucky to have what little we do, i do see him daily and talk tohim several times a day and he has been doing his prison thing which he recently got to work release and this whole ordeal is new to me and i am grateful to have found a place i can come to and share with and i have gained a new circle of friends to pray for with my prayers..i know none of you know me yet but i have been reading your entries nad you have given me and hope and inspirationa dn i hope that i can continue to have patience and strength in this and look up to many of you for doing it as long as you have and continuing to have faith and loyalty to your men and i pray that i can be the same way as all of you one day. any support or encouraging words you can give would be greatly appreciated and cherished, i hope to become a new member to his group and hope that you will all accept me as you have so many others although he is not my husband (yet) we are looking to fix that upon his release and i hope that one day i will be writing good news as opposed to comeing here only with doubt and resolutions. more than anything i hope to have found a group that understands

Hi,Rob. No crying aloud! :) I've done enough of that for probably everyone this week. I do have your number. I will try to get a tracphone as soon as I can. I have just had a bad string of events that were kicked into high gear by poor health and a belief It would all clear itself up if I could help enough people. I am trying to look at it as a spring cleaning or something. Don't worry about me. I didn't succeed in finding homes for my/my daughter's 6 dogs so they will be with me and looking after me. I can stay with my mom in AZ if I see I can't make this titanic of a life raise up again. She is going to find a little hippy in a small town I met once and see if he would allow me to keep my dogs there so I could stay with her. I found places for my 3 cats to live. I am still working on a film in Dallas but it is a pay when it sells thing so it is kind of like charity work at present. I am going to hit the ground running starting tomorrow. My one daughter went down to the land and built a fence for her two dogs that are with me and I will have to construct the pen for my 4 dogs and also look for homes for them down there. I get my social security on the 3rd but the broken car payment is gonna hit that along with my land payment. My friend will send me some money on about the 7th so maybe I can get an apartment down there. That gives me about 3 weeks to struggle and be a nomad. I can do that and if I can't I will pack it up and go to AZ and try to get a job on a reservation teaching or something. I have always told my girls that if you have a library card you have the ability to achieve anything. I guess I am putting that to the freaking test aren't I? I am reading on building a house and I am reading on how to find housing and things when you don't have much money. I will admit there were people I thought would kind of be in my corner who appear to be unavaliable and that, more than the housing crisis, the financial crisis or the health issues has been the hardest thing to cope with. I now, have an even clearer idea of what those on parole face because people really don't like it when you fall even people close to you at times. My husband will write me and keep me going as he always does and my oldest daughter will check my e-mail and my friend will get my POL mail even though I can't answer the letters I receive so I do have a support network in some ways. My car works and that is a bonus and my animals like eatting rice and that will come in handy also. LOL. Thanks for your offer of support. I will do okay or I will cry my way to Western Arizona because it is sooo far from my husband and my girls. I think if I can just get a part-time job I will be able to get my life back on track.
Take care,
Toni

diandra:
Like you I have found hope and strength here. the women who come here are incredibly strong. for those of us on the outside, the loneliness can be overwhelming. This is a good place to come and vent or to just find people who understand.
Susanne

Hello Again everyone:
Am back again because I am just having a bad day, even took a "personal day" from work. I guess like everyone here, I am just having one of those days of wondering what I am doing in this situation. Spoke with Rob last night and they are witholding some of his mail, we are not sure why. This whole thing just gets so depressing. I think the first year he was in was easire in a sense becasue his appeal was going on and I had hope. I guess I had been pinning all of my hopes on him winning. When he lost it hit home that he really will be in until 2007. We can still do a writ of habeus corpus, but I need to rasie funds for an attorney to do that. I don't have much fatih that that will help either. I just can't beleive how arbitrary our justice system is and I find it shocking that thye system doe not care about the families left alone and struggling on the outside. I have been in this funk for a couple of months now, ever since we lost and am having trouble climbing out of it. Well, thanks for letting me vent. I suppose this too shall pass.
Susanne

Toni-

I wish you blessings. It sound like you have a plan, so stay strong!!!!

Susanne-

I was having a bad week last week. It's funny how it comes in waves, we just have to ride them out. My husband lost an appeal too. I believe he put more hope into than I did. I live in the Commonwealth of VA.and knew it was a looooooooooooooooooong shot. We tried to focus on the fact that he is NOT getting out until 2007 and if some mircle happens that would be gravey. So I was disappointed but not surprised. I know it's hard, but try to let it go. You can't stay in the funk. We all have to hold on, stay strong. Life will get you down if you let it, don't. I know we all walk that fine line of wanting to crawl into a ball in a dark room and not come out until the end, but we can't. So cry, hit,scream,jump up and down,reflect and then dust yourself off and continue fighting. I keep telling myself that everyday is a day closer to him coming home. Ok just remember all of this....because I know I'll need to hear it next week ;)

Rob:
Thank you for your encouragment. I know I should have realized that the appeal was a longshot, it would have saved me this hurt I am going through now, but I was blind, I wanted my husband back and had a hard time believing that the system would take him. You are right, I know I have to get up and stand up, get out of this place I am at. We have a 19 month old son and he needs a strong brave mom. Just hard to get to that place some days. Your words help more than you know-- heres to 2007!

Good advice Rob!
My heart goes out to all of you. I almost feel guilty posting any more since my life is going so well now. I hope you would tell me to just shut up rather than grin and bear it from me. My prayers go out to each and everyone one of you and my husband always prays for his 'brothers' that are still behind bars. You guys will make it! I am sure of it. I look back and wonder how I made it all that time with out him and all the trials I had to go through alone. Well, actually I learned that I wasn't alone, that I had God on my side and really learned to lean on Him more than ever. I could go on and on about how much I grew over those 5 years but you guys know how much you have grown already I am sure.
Toni- Geeeze, what a brave girl you are! I know, "no crying aloud" but hell, you are tough! Much tougher than I could be. May God be with you during this journey!

All, I am only weeks away from delivery now. The days are physically wearing me out but I will continue to work up to the end, God willing. It will be nice to have off all the holidays this year. I will keep you posted.

Take care

Janine:
I am so happy you posted again-- and I am so jealous, not just because you have your man back, but because you are going to have a new person to welcome in to your life. I have a 20 month old son and I really LOVED being pregnant, maybe because we lost three through miscarriages, but it was just the most awesome experience to feel him moving etc. Anyway, I hope I am not too old when Rob gets out to have another. Congratulations to you-- does your baby girl have a name yet? And NOOOOOO don't stop posting, you are where we all want to be and give us hope!

Suzanne,
I often wondered if I was going to be too old when my man got home also to have kids. This is our first birth together so I am totally excited. As you may have noted in my earlier posts I have been raising his son from a prior major all the years he was gone. 'Our' son is almost 11 now but having my own will be a wonderful experience. Her name is Annaleah Jade. We are naming her after my Mom, Ann. The baby is due the day my Mom passed away 2 years ago so it only seemed fit. Sure wish she was here to experience this with me but God had other plans. I am now 33 years old but women are having kids up until there mid to late 40's these days. Don't you worry, 2007 will be here before you know it and you can try again. That will be a perfect time span between siblings. My brother and I are 5 years apart and are very close. There is hope!

It's so good to see so much activity going on here. Diandra, welcome!

As far as being too old for kids, I had mine when I was 35, 37 and 40, so you still have time. As hard as it is sometimes being "old" and taking care of my three kids alone, I don't think I would be able to do it without them. I have so much that I have to focus on each day that I really don't have time to miss David. Then he'll call me with some of his crap or telling me that I need to do this or do that (for his appeal that we are hoping for in Virginia (where are you, Rob?) that I just end up going off on him. My kids keep my days so full that I don't know what I would do without them. My two oldest were away for a couple of days this summer and I really got to missing David. I guess I think of myself right now as a mother and not really a wife and that makes it easier. At times it would be so easy to just let go, because I really have a lot of support. I had someone tell me that she admires me because I'm not downtrodden by the situation. My kids just keep going on and that is the best compliment anyone can give me. My life is in constant disorganized chaos, but I am not in constant disorganized chaos, I guess.

Anyway, I've been reading all these great messages. My 18 month old just started climbing out of his crib, so I now have one more thing to deal with at night, but the time is flying by!!!!

Thanks for being here for me. Ceil

Ceil:
Uh-oh, the climbing out of the crib thing-- so far my little boy hasn't tried it, but I know its coming!!!!! I do understand your frustration with the demands from your husband. Mine is the same way. I keep trying to tell him that he doesn't understand what its like to be out here alone, working and raising a child while trying to stay strong for the child and for him. He wants me to write him more etc and I try to explain that I am just too busy. His comeback is what about that 2 hour time frame I have after I put the baby to bed?! Well we all know this is ridiculous, that is when we do laundry, dishes, put together meals for the next day and maybe take 10 minutes for ourselves!
Hard as I know it is for them, they need to understand that it is VERY hard for us too!
I think Rob is finally getting that. Today when I saw him we talked about the MNDOC stats about married prisoners (only 15% are married) and he said that he knew that out of that at least half get divorced during the incarceration. He also told me that one guy at his facility attempted suicide last week because he had a recieved a "Dear John" letter from his wife.
We talked about how that has a lot to do with how hard it is for wives and mothers on the outside waiting, the whole burden of holding it together falls on them. Because of this guy and the things he has learned about divorce, I think he is finally getting it.
Also I think it helped that the last time after I "lost it" when he was being demanding, I backed off on visits and letters. It was not a conscious thing, it was just because I was so tired of being his main support and having to hold EVERYTHING together on the home front alone. I think these two things together brought home to him that he is not and can not be the focus of my attention.
I really think the problem is that they are there 24/7 and think we have it so much better than they do since we are on the outside, they tend to think that ANYTHING on the outside is better and forget that they are at least in part responsible for us being in difficult straights.
Anyway, I know I am babbling, Ceil, but I just wanted to make the point that I don't think the guys always understand very well how hard it is. I believe somebody, in an earlier post (Janine, maybe?) said that her husband understood that sometimes he had to come second. I think that is the key, while we love them, if we have kids, jobs, and mortgages, they will sometimes have to come second, even if we love them

Janine:
What a beautiful name! I have to say that with her being due on your mother's birthday and coming so soon after you have your husband back, she certainly will be blessed! Also I agree that 5 years is an excellent time span, I will be 40 when he gets out, actually had my first one late (had miscarriages before that) But I so want to do it again. As I said being pregnant was great as was having a new life to bring home. Even though the lack of sleep was hard, I actually miss it now that my boy is almost two.
Susanne

Hi, guys. I struggled for 4 days, broke my finger and pulled the plug on my life in Texas. I was so sick by the fourth day after doing the post digging and stuff that It was apparent that I would not be able to drive myself anywhere if I didn't leave right away. So, I drove up to Amarillo, visited my husband who had circles under his eyes from lack of sleep worrying about my situation and told him I had to go to AZ. He was 100% for that and now we face either out of state parole or finding someone in Texas to be an alternative place to parole. I am sill worn out and I was given a ticket to a restorative justice retreat in Virgina on the 27th-31st and so that might restore what the situation sucked out of me. I hope all is going okay. I will visit my husband and my adult children once a month I guess. Heavy sigh. I miss he and my girls. Keep plugging ladies!

Toni,

Glad to hear that you are going to your mom's. I know
its not what you wanted, but it sounds so much safer!

Everyone else - keep the faith! I know that as long as I
am doing God's will - and it is his will for us to keep our
families together - everything will be fine. I've been
running wild lately and my three kids and I are
exhausted and we are having a Halloween party this
Saturday, but it is all good. I'm so glad that I'm able to
do this kind of things for my kids. It helps keep their life
normal. My middle child came up with an idea to hide
Easter eggs around the jail at Easter time so the kids
can find them. That lets me know that she knows her
daddy will be there then but she knows that we will still
be visiting him and she is thinking of how she can make
it fun. She is only 4 and I think it's great!

Anyway, everyone have a good one. Ceil

Ladies,

Here is a song that reminds me of all of our situations and always reminds me of my husband!

PLEASE COME HOME SOON

I put away the groceries
And I take my daily bread
I dream of your arms around me
As I tuck the kids in bed

I don’t know what you’re doin’
And I don’t know where you are
But I look up at that great big sky
And I hope you’re wishin’ on that same
Bright star

I wonder, I pray
And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it’s so hard livin’ here on my own
So please, come home soon
Come home soon

I know that we’re together,
Even though we’re far apart
And I’ll wear our lucky penny ‘round my neck
Pressed to my heart

I wonder, I pray
And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it’s so hard livin’ here on my own
So please, come home soon
Come home soon

I still imagine your touch
It’s beautiful missing something that much
But sometimes love needs a fighting chance
So I’ll wait my turn until it’s our turn to dance

I wonder, I pray
And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it’s so hard livin’ here on my own
So please, come home soon
Come home soon

I sleep alone
I cry alone
Without you this house is not a home
So, please come home soon

And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it’s so hard livin’ here on my own
So please, come home soon
Come home soon

I walk alone
I try alone
I’ll wait for you, don’t want to die alone
So please, come home soon

Come home soon
Come home soon

Love, Your Wife

Hey all:
Been awhile since I posted. My mom passed away yesterday, Rob and I lost an angel who believed in us and supported us, she always wrote him letters of hope, I don't what we will do without her. Please pray for her
Susanne

Susanne-

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't even imagine what you must be going through but I'm sure your mom is with God now and they are going to give you all the support in the world to help you get through everything.

God bless,
sera

Susanne,
God bless you! I also lost my mom while my husband was away. It almost broke our marriage up because I was so mad he wasn't here to comfort me during the hardest time in my life. I obviously worked through it and a few months later I came out of the fog and found new things to look forward to. Your baby will help you stay focused. My mom was also supportive of our situation and wrote letters. Sounds like your mom was a great lady. Your blessed to have had her for the time you did. Along with my mom, my husband lost his father and 2 sisters while he was away for the 5 years. We will all meet once again in Heaven and rejoice with our Father. Keep the faith girl. God will get you through these tough times and you both will be better people for it.

Thank you all for your support. We had Mom's funeral today and it was beautiful. It was so hard saying goodbye, and Janine, I know what you mean about the anger, my brothers had their wives to hold them when they cried, it made it all so much worse!!!!! But, Rob did try to come, the MN DOC lets inmates go to funerals, (Charges them $1000, though) But since Mom was not considered "immediate family", he was not allowed. I know this upset him, not just because he could not be there to give me a hug, but also because, he really did love Mom and wanted to say goodbye. I know they are inmates, but that seems so cruel, especially since the inmates would bear the cost. Again thank you everyone-- and Janine-- how is that little girl coming along-- you are so close!!!!!
Susanne

Mama and baby are doing fine. I think baby is doing better than mommy though. Went to the doctor yesterday hoping they would tell me we could schedule a inducing date but it wasn't time yet. Grrrr! I am sooooo done being pregnant. These last couple of weeks are torture. Hopefully on Tuesdays appointment next week they will tell me when we can induce. Can't wait to start maternity leave either!

Take care
Janine

Janine:
You are not over due yet, are you? I know, even though my boy was 6 weeks early, I was SOOO READY to have him!!!! though there are some great things about pregnancy, pretty soon you just want to tell that little one "enough already, its time to come out!" Hang in there though, I am so excited for you!
susanne

PLEASE HELP...
DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY INFORMATION ON A SCANNING PROCESS USED IN SOME PRISONS CALLED IONSCAN. ON A RECENT VISIT TO THE STATE PRISON IN INDIANA, VISITING MY FIANCEE THEY USED THIS PROCESS. IT APPARANTLY SCANS FOR TRACE PARTICLES OF DRUGS. ANYWAY WHEN I WAS SCANNED PRIOR TO GOING TO THE VISITING ROOM I WAS NEGATIVE AND WAS TOLD I COULD SIT IN THIS CHAIR TO PUT MY SHOES ON. ALL GOOD. WELL ANYWAY ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH MY VISIT I NEEDED TO GO TO THE RESTROOM, WENT BACK THROUGH THE SCAN AND THEY SAID I TESTED POSITIVE FOR NARCOTICS. I WAS SHOCKED AS I DIDNT UNDERSTAND HOW THAT COULD HAPPEN AS I SURE AS HECK DIDNT HAVE ANYTHING. THE GUARD MENTIONED 4 TIMES TO THE SARGENT THAT I HAD SAT IN THE GREEN CHAIR TO PUT MY SHOES ON. THE SARGENT DIDNT SAY ANYTHING JUST SAID MY VISIT WAS TERMINATED AND I COULD COME BACK IN 2 WEEKS. BUT IF IT HAPPENED AGAIN WE WOULD LOSE CONTACT VISITS FOR 6 MONTHS. I WAS SOBBING AS I KNEW I WAS VERY INNOCENT AND THE GUARD KEPT TELLING BE NEXT TIME JUST BE CAREFUL WHERE YOU SIT. I KNOW HE KNEW I HAD SAT IN A CONTAMINATED CHAIR OR HE WOULDNT OF KEPT MENTIONING IT. THEY SHOOK MY BOYFRIEND DOWN AND GAVE HIM A URINE TEST BOTH COMING OUT NEGATIVE OF COURSE. I JUST CANT GET THIS OUT OF MY MIND AS I KNOW I WAS CLEAN GOING IN THAT DREADFUL PLACE. I WAS TOLD TO WRITE TO INTERNAL AFFAIRS, AND PLAN ON DOING SO. WHAT SCARES ME IS WHAT IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN. ALTHOUGH THIS SOUNDS CRAZY BUT NEXT TIME I GO IN I WILL WEAR A PLASTIC RAIN SUIT OVER MY CLOTHES AND RUBBER GLOVES, AND WILL TAKE THEM OFF PRIOR TO THE SEARCH PROCESS, AND I WILL NEVER GO TO THE BATHROOM EITHER. HAS ANYONE HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE, OR DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT ACTION I COULD TAKE IF ANY. THE CRAZY THING WAS THEY WOULDNT EVEN LET ME SEE THE REPORT OR TELL ME WHAT TYPE OF PARTICLES THEY FOUND. ALL I KNOW IS IT WAS TRULY BOGUS. AND I HATE TO THROW THE PREJUDICE THNG IN BUT WE ARE A BI-RACIAL COUPLE AND WE WERE TOLD FROM THE START THAT WE WOULD ENCOUNTER PROBLEMS DUE TO THAT FACT. PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU ALL THINK AS I AM STRESSING VERY BADLY OVER THIS. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN KNOWING YOU ARE INNOCENT AND BEING TOLD DIFFERENTLY.

susanne,
Nope, not over due. I am just ready. My doc said he would induce 7-10 days early if my cervix was thinning. I told him I was 'done' told him I was 'ripe', he just smiled and sent me on my way. I suppose the baby wasn't ripe yet. hehehehe I am just so done being pregnant. I want my old body back, not that it was anything to write home about but the way I look now is frightening. :-) I hope to work until the 10th or 11th, if all goes well. Of course if they schedule the induction date sooner I will be glad to have her.
SNOWBUNNY
Sorry to hear about your visit. I have never heard of such a test. Nor do I think you could do anything about the injustice. I found that I just had to suck it up when they treated me unfairly during our visits. Unfortunately they don't care about the inmates or their visitors. It's like they don't matter in society. At least that was what I gathered from the experience.

Take care all

Tony, my prayers are with you if you can read this!!

Hey-

Where is everyone? It's been a week...I hope it means everyone has hit a slow period with no major issues :).

Well a couple of weeks ago my husbands final appeal went before the Supreme Court of Virgina. I wonder how long it takes for an answer?. I guess I could call his PD and ask but I'm hesitant to find out because I know what the answer is going to be a big fat NOOOOOOOOOOO. So in a way it doesn't really matter. It's just that my husband is on pins and needles for an answer. It gives him hope but on the other hand, he is going to be terribly disappointed when it doesn't come through. I don't know if I'm being pessimatic or realistic.

Ok, I'm rambling. I hope all is going well with the rest of you and continue to be strong!!

Hello everyone. I am having a terrible week. My husband's lawyer has been telling us that he is going to file a motion before the judge to get my husband home on house arrest except he needs to see my husband and get a few questions answered. The only problem is that everytime the lawyer says he is going up there he never does and then promises that he will go next week no matter what. But, of course that day comes and goes. Now he is supposed to be going up to see him tomorrow and I have a call into him today to make sure but he still has not called me back to confirm. We have heard from everyone including my husband's counselor, unit team, etc. that he should be on house arrest and this has been written in a letter for the judge to see, so I do not know why the lawyer is wasting time. So anyways, I will let you guys know what the outcome is when he calls me back. I am so frustrated and I cannot calm down right now. Anyways, thanks for letting me ramble on. It helped to at least get it off of my chest.

I know that I am also stressed because the holidays are approaching and I am trying to figure out how to get through them without my husband. Any suggestions?

How is everyone else doing, I haven't seen that many posts lately.

Kelly

Hi. This is my first posting. I noticed Snowbunny's experience. I've had the same thing happen, as have others. When we go to visit, they wipe a swab on some part of our body or clothing and put it in a machine. Once mine came up positive, in a very small amount, for cocaine, which I have never used or touched. They let it go because it was so low and I gave them the list of meds I'm on (from depression--sound familiar) and thought maybe that was what did it. The next visit I was positive for both cocaine and heroine!! This was getting crazier and crazier. Another woman had tested positive for methadone and has never been on any drug and certainly isn't in a methadone program. The end of it was, we both got through because we have had successful visits and a second test by another guard was negative (hmmmm...one wonders). There were so many complaints, in fact, that it was tested with staff and came up positive so they took it out of service for awhile. Technology is fallible and perhaps there is nothing you feel you can do, but a letter and a complaint to the right person never hurts.

Right now I'm dealing with transition from prison to home. I should mention that I live in Canada where the system is quite different--sentences are divided by time: two years less a day puts a man in a provincial(state) prison. Anything of 24 months or more means federal time. Our federal corrections system has maximum, medium and minimum security. Every prisoner is evaluated in a two-month program and classified. My husband ended up in minimum, which was great--no fences, no armed guards, and we could visit every week on Saturday, Sunday, Monday and/or Wednesday from about 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. in a large visiting room with kitchennette, tables and chairs and even go outside for walks. The institution was a three hour drive away, so I only went every two weeks for two days, and luckily had someone to stay with in the area, but it was good. When I read some of the situations some of you have faced, it puts everything in perspective, since we have been relatively lucky. Sentences tend to be MUCH shorter, the official line is that the systems is for correction and rehabilitation (although let's be real--it doesn't always get followed through), and federal prisoners are eligible for parole after one-third of their sentence and have mandatory release after two-thirds is served (unless they've really screwed up inside with violent incidents or other serious problems). But NO ONE gets full parole, unless they wait until their stat date. If you apply for parole at the 1/3 mark, you will, if granted, get day parole, which means a half-way house. This sounds good, except when the half-way house is far from your home community. And when on parole, a guy can be put back inside almost on a whim if an authority just "thinks" they're doing something, so it's pretty precarious. Anyway, my husband and I did great while he was inside, and were granted "private family visits"--here they're not called conjugal visits, because the idea is the whole family should be able to spend time together. So we had three days together, alone, every six weeks or so--heaven. The problem is that since he's been in the half-way house I see less of him than when he was inside. He has to have a job and works long hours. There is no set up at the house for visiting together, even during the day, and getting weekend passes to come home are tricky.

ANyway, I have been feeling more distant from him than when he was inside. It's so hard to communicate and he finds the situation stressful. Like a lot of guys, he deals with stress by either shutting down or getting angry--not with me necessarily, but just generally pissed off. Some days I feel like we are drifting so far apart and our lives are more separate than when he was in prison. So many times I wished he had just stayed in until his statutory release date--he won't he home on full parole from the half-way house any sooner. Our relationship seemed so solid and now it feels like holes are appearing. I love him with all my heart, but every time we turn around, there is another obstacle in the way.

Thanks for listening. Reading some of your posts has helped me to put things into perspective, since I don't face the obstacles so many of you do and while the States is a fine country, it's another instance of being glad I'm north of the border--my man was charged with possession and in any state he would have been gone for 15 years or more instead of being sentenced to 24 months and on day parole in nine. But you know, the length of time isn't always the most important factor. It's the being apart and being in two different worlds and having your lives in the complete control of strangers, some of whom have a very positive attitude to their job and treat inmates and families with respect and others who seem to be on little power trips.

I'm glad to have met you this way and my prayers will be with each of you every day. It has only been the support of loved ones and the knowledge that God is beside me all the way and picking me up when I fall, that has got me through many days. Blessings!

Hi all,
Welcome to the site Judilee. What a world of information about the Canadian system. I had no idea they were so much more fare than we are here in the states! My husband was also in an minimum or called 'camp' here and it was similar to your situation but he was 5 hours away so we couldn't take advantage of all the visiting hours either.
Rob,
Say a prayer that Gods will be done! If it is in His time his appeal will go through. My husband and I often look back now and realize that he wasn't 'ready' to come home only 3 years into his sentence. They let him out for 4 days to travel to see a dying sister and his actions proved he wasn't ready to be free yet. I won't go into detail, nor did we realize it at the time, but looking back he hadn't grown enough by that time and needed the additonal 2 years to heal and become the man he is today. I know that may sound strange but it is true. My husband is fully recovered, healed, of the habits he knew since he was a young boy. PTL God is so good! I wouldn't have wanted him back before he was healed. God knew what he was doing and when I prayed and cried for him to come home all those years and lonely nights I also prayed that He didn't do it until He was ready. God provided for our family during the tough times and He comforted me enough to help me through. I am sure God is watching over you and your family and will give you what you need. I pray your family is brought together again soon Rob.

Kelly,
Sounds so familiar getting the run around from lawers. Stay on them anyway!

I am now 38 weeks along in my pregnancy. She is kicking as I write to you all. I start my maternity leave next Friday. Looking forward to the break from work. I can't thank God enough for what he has done in our lives. Can't believe it's been a year this month we picked up my husband. So much has happened in our lives. Take care all.

Tony, Hope your doing well. YOur in my prayers too!!!

Judilee,
Thank you for reassuring me that I am not the only one to ever test positive when I knew I was very innocent. I must say my visit is coming up in a few days and instead of looking forward to it I am very nervous. I really dont even know what to do to protect myself from the false positives. But I will remain strong just as I know all of us in this situation must do.

Ladies,

Judliee, thanks for the insight into Canadian law. Very interesting.

Anyway, I am so angry right now and I was doing the dishes thinking of what I could do with this anger and I remembered this site! My husband is still in the local jail and we can visit twice a week through glass. Children are allowed at both visits and I take my three children - 6, 4 and 1 -to both visits. The visiting area is a line of 11 booths. After waiting for anywhere from 30 minutes to 1 1/2 hours, we get to go in and sit in a little booth and share one phone through the glass. My children go in the area behind the booth and play, often with other children. The past couple of visits I have had other visitors complain to the deputies that my children are disrupting their visits. They are not yelling or screaming, just playing. Their father is in jail and I am trying to maintain a family unit, and the same people who are in the same boat as I am - after all, they are their to visit someone locked up to - complain. My children are not perfect, but there is no time for just children to visit. The more I think about other people in my situation complaining it pisses me off. I have had several people I see commend me for bringing my 3 kids there every visiting day. It's not easy! And to have other people complain just really pisses me off. If my kids were making it impossible for them to have a visit, that would be one thing, but it doesn't. I have people tell me all the time that they are not disturbing them. They are visiting someone in jail - they are in a room with 10 other people trying to talk on a phone through glass, what do they expect! I think it really pisses me off because I believe it is most important for children to maintain a relationship with their father and other people in my situation can't support that. We should be sticking together trying to help each other out, not making it harder for each other. I am starting to look forward to these visits with anxiety because I'm so afraid someone is going to say something about my children. I have no family here and no one to watch the kids when I visit on a regular basis, so I have to take them with me when I visit. My husband doesn't want me to say anything because he said they'll take me off the visitation list if I make a stink about it. I can understand the sheriff's department doing something like that, but - again - people who are there for the same reason I am? Thanks for listening.

Hello all,
Well today is my last day here as I start my maternity leave. I pray you all will try to make the best of the holidays. I will be thinking about you. Take care

Janine

Hi Janine-

Good luck and keep us posted. I personally will miss all your updates and words of encouragement!!! But you have more important things to worry about now ;). I'll be praying for you.

To everyone else, lets keep this site going. We all need encouragement, friendship and a good place to vent.

Toni- I'm praying for you. Hope to hear from you soon.

Ladies,

How do you all deal with being your husband's only support on the outside. He is still in the "let's see if we can get an appeal before I get sent down the road" stage and he tries to put his anxiety about the lawyer not calling us back on me since I'm the only one he has to call the atty. I told the lawyer's secretary the other day that he was really driving me crazy about the lack of info back to us. Yesterday my husband told me that that pissed him off and I ended up hanging up on him because I don't need his **** when I'm dealing with 3 small kids and a job. Thanks for listening. Ceil

Ceil:
Oh, I know exactly what you are going through!!!!! I had the exact same experience with my husband and his appellate attorney. He was always telling me to call him etc. It drove me crazy! My problem was that I was furious with him, but I also felt guilty for feeling that way when he was so alone and feeling so desperate. But what made it even worse was that his mother felt the same way he did-- that it was my responsibility to make sure that he had enough money, that the attorney did his job etc. She would even call me and demand to know how much money I was sending him and how often I was visitng. IT was awful. My husband and I ended up getting in a big fight, then I got in an argument with his mother. Since then she has backed off and my husband has too a bit. But he still acts soemtimes like he doesn't understand exactly what life out here is like when you have to carry the whole load. I have tried to explain this to him and I think he gets it soemtimes, but still, I wish they really understood what we are going through.

Hello All,

All that I can say is.......DITTO!!!!! When my husband first got locked up he would drive me crazy. Call him, do this and that. And as you said Susanne, I was so furious at him for getting him/us in this situation that I felt like he deserved what he got and now he wanted me to jump through hoops. Then I started feeling guilty for feeling that way. Basically for the first 16 or 17 months I was doing everything by myself...sending money, paying for calls, going to visit. His brother was pretty much there, but his sisters were not. There was some friction between us when all this first started. Anyway, he has calmed down alot and doesn't press me like he used to. His PD argued his last shot at an apeal before the VA. Supreme Court, haven't heard anything yet though. I know it's not going to happen.

How long have your husbands been in? I think with time they will start to understand. All this has been a wake up call for my husband. God is truly working on him and he has truly been analyzing the errors of his judgement. Unfortunately we have alittle more than 2 1/2 years to go.

Stay strong!!!

Hi, everybody! I hope everyone is okay. I'm doing okay. I am living in Kingman, working at H and R Block for Minimum wage. I came over to texas to visit my husband and my kids. I received an insurance check that helped me almost get caught up on my bills and I applied for the Iteachtexas program to get my teaching certificate. I got a tracphone for a number for the parole people to use if they need it in Texas and I have 300.00 toward the 1,000.00 I need to get a place and deposit to move back to texas. I am doing the best I can. It has been difficult. I miss my husband. I miss my kids and I had to give 2 of my dogs away and 3 of my cats after buying the land so I could keep everyone together. I expect that once I can start teaching everything will get a little better. Oh, and I found this book on a diet for lupus and other diseases that is an anti-fugal diet and it seems to help. You lose weight too. The irony is the guy that wrote the preface for the book is right here in Amarillo and I had to move to Arizona to hear about it. I guess that is what the purpose was because the pay isn't good and the environment is very lonely but I am getting a little healthier. :) Gotta be so I can maybe give kiddos the support they need before the system gets to them, as a teacher.
I miss you guys. My computer crashed. I have a gift I guess. My computers crash as soon as I get internet put on them.

Hi Toni-

It's so wonderful to hear from you. It sounds like you holding up ok. So where are you in Arizona? That will be wonderful if you can get your teaching certificate. You think you can deal with those knucklehead kids? ;). What is tracfone? Well hopefully they will call you with go news. Sorry you had to give your pets away? Did families take them or did you have to take them to a shelter? How many do you have left? Is your car working? How far do you have to drive from Arizona to Texas?
It's wonderful to hear that you found the diet book for lupus. So it really seems to be helping. What ever it takes just stick with it!!! It seems that when you left your "comfort zone" things started looking up. God works in mysterious ways huh? Are you staying with your mother? Ok...sorry for all the questions. My husband calls me nosey...I say I'm inquisitive ;). Whatever..just happy to hear from you.

Toni" Oh my goodness, so wonderful to hear from you-- you don't know how much we have all missed you-- WHAT A SURVIVOR YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!I totally agree with the natural approach to treating disease-- I was raised that way, my mom was totally in to natural remedies and we ALL were very healthy and even though we are all now in our 30's-40's, no illness, for the most part we don't get sick and did not as kids-- so good for you, follow the diet! and, as I have said before, what a wonderful teacher you will make!
Hey Rob:
it's nice to know its not just me!!!! I guess I understand how they feel, I probably would be as desperate, but I WISH they would get how it feels out here, carrying the whole load! My husband, Rob, has been in for 20 months, 3 more years to go. And yes he has mellowed, but still, whenever anything happens (like he is in seg right now for some incomprehensible reason)_ he gets demanding again!! The worst is that I am an attorney, but only civil stuff. I have studied up on the criminal stuff with his case, but I don't fell qualifeid to help him!!! He thinks I ought to, (says I am brilliant, but only because I agree with him, I know that!!!!) anyway, the demands are VERY hard.
But with your State supreme court appeal, you are right not to get your hopes up, the crash and burn stuff is way too hard, but,even if you assume that it will fail, there are still other remedies, if you have questions, please email me and I will let you know what I know, I really do believe in the old Winston Churchhill quote: "Never, Never, Never give up" My email is : suglasser@hotmail.com

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Thanksgiving has come and gone and it was okay. We went to my husband's aunt and uncle who live about an hour away and it was nice. Yesterday was fine. Today was fine until about 5:30. Then I started getting really sad and realized that it was just the kids and me. I am extremely grateful for the kids, but I miss my husband. We went to visit him today and the kids had a really good visit with him, which may be adding to my sadness. After we checked in we went to Cato's and my oldest daughter helped me pick out some "cool" clothes. When we went back for our visit, they ran to the booth first and told him to close his eyes and only had him open them when I walked up in my new outfit. They thought it was so cool! I miss his so much, and I know I'll have periods like this until Christmas. I'm trying to decide if I want to have Christmas day here and then drive to Georgia with my inlaws or to go there a couple of days early and have Santa come there. I'm waiting to see which I think will be less sad. I don't have many feelings like this because I am SO busy with the kids and work. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. We do have a lot to be thankful for. I have to think about the people who have lost a loved one and would give anything to be able to talk to him/her through some glass and to see him/her. Have a good rest of the weekend. Thanks for always being here for me to vent.

Ceil

I need some advice. I met my boyfriend a while back and he has served 1/2 his sentence and has 4 1/2 years to go. About two weeks ago he wrote me and told me I was the one and how much he loved me. Then this week I get a letter telling me things are going to fast and that we have to slow down and focus on today and not forecast what we are going to do when he gets out. I feel hurt and as if he is pushing me away. I have so much faith in him and we have a wonderful relationship based on what we do have. I'm just confused. Please.. .any advice or encouragement would be wonderful. I'm new to this so not sure what to expect with loving someone incarcerated.

Hi Melinda, My name is Erika, I know exactly what you are going through, my boyfriend has done that a couple times to me. I think a lot of it is there insecurities. They are in there we are out here. So, it is definatley hard for them. Just stay strong and keep your head up. How long has he been in? How long have you been together? Well, e-amil me if you want so we can chat more! God Bless, Erika ens131415@yahoo.com

I'm scared. My husband is going to prison in 2 days and I am sooo depressed. Can anyone give me some encouragement? I want to be strong for him and not let him down. He is going for 5 years. Help!

Molly:
My husband too was sentenced to almost 5 years in April 2003. I know the terror you are feeling and it is is OK to be afraid,freaked out ect. I remeber on the day my husband was sentenced we got in to this fight on the way to the courthouse because I was so freaked out (fortunately it was short-lived and I admitted to him that I was terrified). Today is Dec. 7 so I assume that your husband is starting his sentence today. I remember I left that courthouse on the day of my guy's sentencing feeling so beref, lost and alone. What helped me was getting on line and figuring out all of the visiting stuff, the things I could and could not mail to him etc. The whole system is confusing and the best way I think to get through it all is to try and figure out what the rules are and how you can be there for him. Prison Talk Online has forums for each state and many of them have information on the different state prisons and the rules, so start there. You are entering a new phase of your relationship with your husband and it is tough. But the women here are very strong and know exactly what you are going through. Depression, fear and lonliness are par for the course. But so is our love for our husbands and partners and our desire to be there for them, especially when they get out. Hang in there --- I am praying for you today.
sue

WELL MOLLY, MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. I KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN YOU KNOW THE DATE YOUR HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND HAS TO BE TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU. IT'S THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD TO SEE YOUR HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND BEING TAKEN AWAY. TRUST ME, I KNOW. I WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING IN MAY OF 2003. I FELT LIKE MY HEART WAS BEING RIPPED OUT OF ME. BUT IN DO TIME THINGS WILL GET BETTER. AT TIMES THINGS WILL GET RUFF BUT YOU WILL GET THROUGH THEM. JUST KEEP YOUR FAITH ALIVE AND ALWAYS PRAY. PRAYER WILL GET YOU THROUGH THE GOOD AND THE BAD TIMES. WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING UP, DROP ON YOUR KNEES AND LET THOSE FEELINGS COME OUT. THE LORD IS ALWAYS LISTENING TO US. HE WILL GIVE US THE STRENGTH TO GET OUR LIVES IN ORDER FOR OURSELVES, OUR KIDS AND FOR OUR HUSBANDS/BOYFRIENDS. JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION. THERE ARE LADIES THAT ARE IN A WORSE POSITION THAN YOU WITH THERE HUSBANDS/BOYFRIENDS.

AS FOR ME, YOU CAN ALL CALL ME BONNIE. I'M FROM NEW JERSEY. THE LOVE OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN AWAY FROM ME FOR 2 YEARS. I HAD HIM IN MY ARMS OUT ON BAIL IN DEC OF 2002.THEN HE WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME IN MAY OF 2003(THE MONTH HE STARTED TO SERVE HIS TIME). HE DOESN'T HAVE A MINIMUM RELEASE DATE YET BUT HIS MAX IS 7 YRS FROM NOW. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 7 YEARS AND WE HAVE A THREE YR OLD SON. WE ARE NOT MARRIED LEGALLY YET BUT WE CONSIDER EACH OTHER HUSBAND AND WIFE. WHEN HE LEFT IN 2003 IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO COPE. MY LIFE WAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. I WAS SO DEPRESSED AND I GAINED ABOUT 60 POUNDS IN A YEAR. NOW, IT'S 2004 AND I SEE THINGS DIFFERENTLY. MY LIFE HAS CHANGED ALOT BUT THE LOVE FOR MY HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND HAS GROWN SO MUCH. OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS GOTTEN STRONGER. MOST PEOPLE SAY THAT RELATIONSHIPS WITH INMATES DON'T LAST BUT MOST OF THEM DO. IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHO YOU ARE, HOW STRONG YOUR LOVE IS AND YOUR FAITH IN GOD. WITH GOD IN YOUR LIFE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRUST IN HIM. I TRUST THE LORD WITH MY LIFE AND MY HUSBANDS LIFE. I KNOW HE WILL GET US THROUGH THIS TRYING TIME. SO LADIES, NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELVES, YOUR CHILDREN, HUSBANDS OR BOYFRIENDS. ALWAYS REMAIN POSITIVE AND ONLY ASSOCIATE WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE POSITIVE. DON'T ALWAYS TAKE OTHER PEOPLES ADVICE. JUST FOLLOW WHAT YOUR HEART SAYS AND LET THE LORD GUIDE YOU ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE. TRUST IN HIM AND HE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU. HE WON'T LET YOU DOWN.
LADIES, I FEEL YOUR PAIN DAY IN AND DAY OUT. I HAVE CRIED THE SAME TEARS YOU HAVE CRIED. I HAVE HAD MANY SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. I'M STILL ALONE AND MISSING MY HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND THE SAME WAY YOU ARE. WE WILL ALL GET THROUGH THIS BAD TIME IN OUR LIVES. THIS IS JUST A LESSON THAT WILL SOON PASS. WHATEVER DOESN'T KILL US MAKES US STRONGER. WHATEVER SITUATION THE LORD PUTS US THROUGH HE WILL GET US THROUGH IT.
LET YOUR LOVE KEEP BURNING INSIDE OF YOU. NEVER LET THAT LOVE DIE OUT FOR YOUR HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND.TIMES WILL BE HARD BUT THINGS COULD BE WORSE. YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR YOUR MAN/HUSBAND. HE CAN CARRY HIS WEIGHT AT TIMES TOO. YOU ARE EACH OTHERS BACKBONES, SO TAKE TURNS. THE WEIGHT OF THE PROBLEMS YOU ARE DEALING WITH ARE TO HEAVY TO CARRY ALONE ALL THE TIME. I HOPE AND PRAY THAT EVERYONE IN DUE TIME GETS THERE HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND BACK AND I TRULY HOPE THINGS WORK OUT FOR EVERYONE. LIFE IS NOT PERFECT AND IT WON'T BE. JUST TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME AND MAKE THE BEST OUT OF EACH DAY. NEVER LET THE DAY GO BY WITHOUT TELLING THE MAN YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH THAT YOU LOVE HIM. IF YOU DON'T SPEAK TO HIM ON THE PHONE WRITE HIM A LETTER. WORDS ON PAPER LAST A LIFETIME FOR OUR MEN. THEY CAN'T ALWAYS GO BACK IN THERE MINDS TO REMEMBER ALL THE THINGS WE HAVE SAID BUT ON PAPER THEY CAN ALWAYS GO BACK AND RETRIEVE EVERY LOVING WORD WE HAVE WRITTEN THEM.
ONE MORE THING LADIES BEFORE I GO. IF YOU DON'T WRITE TO YOUR HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND DO SO. LOVE MAIL IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THEM AND FOR US. THE MAIL IS OUR COMMUNICATION TO KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE...
GOOD LUCK EVERYONE AND I'LL WRITE AGAIN SOON.
I HOPE SOMETHING THAT I WROTE TOUCHED SOMEONE'S HEART TODAY. THANKS FOR LISTENING.
LOVE BONNIE

TO MY CLYDE, I LOVE YOU BABY
FOREVER, FOR LIFE, FOR ETERNITY
OUR LOVE IS AND SHALL BE EVERLASTING....ALWAYS
I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE DAY YOU COME HOME. MAY THE LORD CONTINUE TO BLESS YOU, WATCH OVER YOU AND KEEP YOU STRONG ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE. AMEN.....

Hey where is everyone!! Did everyone just fall off the face of the planet???? Or is it that this time of the year is very difficult? I know I miss my husband terribly and unfortunately I have about two more holiday seasons to go before he comes back home. But I'm trying to the make the best of it.

Well just wanted to say hello to all and wish everyone a Very Merry Holiday Season and a wonderful and successful New Year. Just remember a Savior was born, the ultimate comforter. Trust and believe and EVERYTHING will work in time. Not ours but Gods.

Peace and Blessings,
Rob

Hi Rob and everyone! It is just crazy this time of year, although I think that I purposely keep busy so that I do not miss my husband anymore than I already do. It is at night when I am sitting down with the christmas tree lights on just thinking about him that I miss him the most but I keep telling myself that it will not be like this forever and when he comes home we will never take our time together for granted. The kids are very excited for Christmas so I just focus on them and I even get a little excited when I see their beautiful smiles.

Merry Christmas,

Kelly

I guess I have purposely not been getting on this site, too. We are down in Georgia because I couldn't stand being home for christmas w
ithout my husband, so we are with his family. They are making sure they have a great christmas. I'm able to talk to David several times a day which helps. I want to wish all of you a great Christmas, and like Rob said, our savior was born who gives us all hope for the future. Keep the faith. Ceil

Happy New Year! Where and how is everyone doing?

Happy New Year everyone!! It's the dawn of a new year and I wish everyone success in 2005. I love the holidays because I normally take most of my vacation at that time, so being away from work has been wonderful!! Yet it's hard because I miss my husband terribly. I recently purchase a townhouse and it's been extremely hard with him not being here. This was something we were supposed to do together so I've been experiencing a great deal of loneliness. I don't know but it's hard to describe.

He's not scheduled for release until June, 07 and it seems like I'm wishing my life away hoping for the time to go by quickly. At times I still can't believe this is happening to me/us. Sometimes I still get angry at him for putting us in this position, but I don't express it to him because he already feels bad enough. I just keep thinking how am I going to get through the next 2 1/2 years.

Ok, enough about poor me. How is everyone else?

My husband's request for an appeal of his six years for probation violation has been denied. He has an additional 2 years on top of that, so he is doing 8 years. I don't know how I am going to do this. In my heart I did not believe it was going to be this long. How an I ever going to do it?

Ceil

Hi Ceil-

Sorry your husbands PV appeal was denied. I know it's tough. My husbands appeal of his sentence was denied too. How long has your husband been gone? Was your husbands PV in the same state? My husband has one too in Maryland and he got in trouble in Virgina. So we are trying to get him into court for that because we want to know if they are going to give him more time. MD wants to wait until he gets out but we don't want to got through this 5year ordeal for him to get out and have to go back in. I don't know if I can take that.

It's hard to say how to get through because I'm struggling myself so I know EXACTLY how you feel. Sometimes I just want to give up because I'm dealing with several of HIS other legal issues and its too much sometimes. Pray helps. I also try not to think about it. We have to change our focus. Do you have a good support system?

Rob,

Yes, I do have a good support system. His family is
really supportive, and I have several other people who
help me, which is great since its just the 3 children and
me. He's only been gone since May, so its only been 8
months - or we like to look at his as almost a year. His
violation is also in virginia. I haven't been getting too
involved in things, but I'm ready to. He has 6 yrs for a
violation and 2 for another charge in the county. What
he did does not deserve 8 years! He wants me to
contact his atty and see if we can at least a
reconsideration from the county to run the 6 years
concurrent. That would be a big break to us right now.
Last night when he told me that his appeal was denied,
he told me to think about what I wanted to do. He will
support me with any decision I make, which just makes
it so much harder because he is such a decent guy. I
am going to start writing letters to the judge and any
one else I can get to listen to me. Does anyone have
any other ideas?

thanks, Ceil

What a difference 24 hours make! I went to church last night and the sermon was on finding joy in everything because we have joy in our heart if we have Jesus is our heart! Nothing on the outside can take that joy away. I feel so much better today than yesterday. My job is to keep my family together and when I think about that everything else is okay. I have to shut out what I think anyone else thinks and really listen to my heart. It is truly amazing to me that I'm okay today - not just okay but actually good. I know that my children and I will always be taken care of - not by my husband or his family or anyone else - but by God who uses these other people to help me. When I remember that God is my source, everything else is fine. I think about those poor people in the tsunami who have lost their family forever and am grateful that I can talk to my husband and see him and plan for a future. There are many people who would trade places with me anytime just to be able to talk to a loved one again. Praise God!

Ceil

AMEN Ceil....that's exactly what you needed to do is get re-charged and be reminded God is in control. I need some re-charging myself. I fill more uplifted just listening to you. Hey do you think we are the only two out here? :)

Where is everyone? I hope everyone is doing ok.

Robin

I need this site so much. Where is everyone? We need
to support each other as much as we can.

Ceil

HEY ROB AND CEIL. YOU LADIES ARE NOT ALONE. I CHECK THIS SITE AS MUCH AS I CAN. I'M GLAD THAT YOU BOTH HAVE GOD IN YOUR LIFE B/C WITH HIM ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. JUST REMAIN STRONG AND LEAVE ALL YOUR WORRIES AND PROBLEMS IN THE LORDS HAND AND HE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

I am here too! I post on the Mothers of the Incarcerated, but I often read your messages so I keep up with what is going on with you guys. You all are very strong women.
Peace,
Kim C

hello I have been reading the messages and i too have a husband that's incarcerated the struggle have been hard for both of us. my story is kinda weird cause i met him where he's at and we got married while he is still in jail. I get so upset at times cause this is the choice i made but at the same time i am so lonely. My husband often asks me if I and seeing someone else I'm not but he tell me this is what he fears.

Hello Eline-

Welcome to the site. There are alot of strong women here that understand and are willing to listen. Unfortunately, the site seems to be a little inactive right now. Don't know whats up with that.

Anyway, I was married to my husband before all of this. I do understand the being lonely part. Lord knows I am lonely (for my husband), but everyone once in awhile I would like some male company. Nothing sexual, just interaction. But I am afraid to even open that door, so I just leave it alone. It's only natural that they would fear someone else has your attention, heart or whatever. The key is for them to believe what you say and leave it at that. Otherwise they will drive themselves insane. I know its run across my husbands mind because he sometimes makes little jokes about it. I just assure him that he is the man that has my heart. In order for him to do his time "successfully", that is not the type of thing he needs to have on his mind. The forces of envil are all around that place and he has to stay focused. :)

Hello everyone my name is Lisa and I am new to the site. I have really enjoyed reading your messages and hope that someone will answer mine and offer advice and love. I am in Maryland and my b/f and I have been together 9 years. I met him in there and we will be getting married come June. His sentence is life but GOD and I are working on that. We have an attorney and thats a blessing. But its nice to know that I am not alone. My friends think I am crazy and I have to lye to some people about where he is at. I love him so much and I am not going anywhere. One thing that he always says is for me to live...so while our time apart is devasting at times I am making myself a better person with going to school to get my degree and maintaining me to be better for him. I look forward to hearing from anyone. Thank you.

Hello Eline and Lisa,

Welcome to the site. This site is a lifeline for me
because I know that I am not alone. I believe that God
wants me to keep my family together and as long as I
keep that foremost in my mind, everything is okay.
When my husband tries to get me caught up in his
anxiety about calling this person or that person to try to
get his sentence reduced, I get crazy. We end up
fighting and I end up hanging up on him. I just cannot
take that anxiety on. As long as I take it one day at a
time and take care of my children, my students and
myself, life is good. We miss my husband and are
waiting for him to be moved from the county jail so we
can have contact visit. When I am confident about my
situation, it comes across to other people and I really
haven't had too many people question what I am doing.
My children are happy and healthy and do well in
school. They know where their daddy is and that he
loves them and they visit him once a week. Last
weekend I was visiting my family and my sister
questioned what I was doing. It makes me laugh
because some people think that if I just left him
everything would be okay. I told her this is my life and it
is better for my children to have their father in their life
then to not have them in their life. As a teacher, I see
students are have problems because of incarcerated
parents, but its not because they visit them in prison. Its
usually because they don't get to see them or talk to
them and they are just AWAY some where. I am
rambling here, but I was just trying to get some stuff out.

Ceil

Hello Ceil and Elaine

Thank you so much for your message. I would also like to welcome Elaine to the site and hope ladies that we can be strength for each other. Ceil I do admire that you are continuing on with your family and living because I think that is what is most important. I beleive if we stop focusing on the time that our love one have and continue your routine that all will be well. Everyone always think if you get away from this person or not marry them that your life will be so much better, but it won't. There was a reason you fell in love with him and regardless of the circumstance you stick by him like he would do for you.

Eline - I share in your story because I met my b/f in prison and we will be getting married soon. Everyone thinks I am crazy, but I don't care because they have their love ones with them and are always trying to do other things because they are around them too much.(im sorry iam babling) but my point is I think this site will be a great help for us and if we are down and need a word of encouragement someone is here or when we are up and just want to give a word of encourgement....I look at this site as a blessing.

Thanks for Listening

Lisa

Where is everyone? I hope its just that everyone is busy like me. I look at it everyday but don't always have time to write.

I just calculated that my husband will be inprison for 2498 days. Its good to actually have a date and know that this is it. I told him that I believe God is saving his life. He can't smoke where he is now and he is not smoking crack, so his health has got to improve. I am amazed at how God does things in my life to show me He is taking care of me just when I'm feeling down. I miss him so much, but I know this time will go by fast.

Let's keep this site going. It is such a support for me!

thanks, Ceil

Does anyone know where i can find out how much time my husband actually has to do on his sentence, he was arrested on may 3rd 2004 and was sentenced yesterday feb, 2nd 2005. he was given a 3year and 6month sentence. Does the 9months that he was awaiting sentencing count. Someone said that the 9months he was there befor comes off the 3.6 years so then that would bring his time down to 2 years 9 months if what i was told was correct then how much of the that remaining 2 years 9months does he actually do. he is incareated in NY , thanks

Does anyone know where i can find out how much time my husband actually has to do on his sentence, he was arrested on may 3rd 2004 and was sentenced yesterday feb, 2nd 2005. he was given a 3year and 6month sentence. Does the 9months that he was awaiting sentencing count. Someone said that the 9months he was there befor comes off the 3.6 years so then that would bring his time down to 2 years 9 months if what i was told was correct then how much of the that remaining 2 years 9months does he actually do. he is incareated in NY , thanks

Hi Anonymous-

I'm not sure about NY. There should be a website that you can go to to find out how much they actually have to serve. In Virigina they are required to do 85% of their time. And yes the 9 months he has already been in is factored in. For example my husband was sentenced to 5yrs. He was arrested on March 3rd, 2003 and was sentenced on July 27, 2003. He gets out in June 2007.

From my calculation, based on 85% he would get out around May 07. I think they calculate the percentage of the time he has to do based on 3yrs and 6months from the sentencing date and then subtract the 9months time served. That's a rough idea. I tell you what. Go to go Prisontalk.com/forums. It's a great website with tons of information. You can give go into the Ny forum (at the bottom of the page) and get the info you're looking for. I hope this helps. Good luck.

To everyone else....Hello...what's up? Is everyone well? Problems,issues,good news???

Keep in touch. Peace and blessings.

My husband was finally moved on Friday. I was really upset when my mother in law called to tell me he called her to let me know. He wasn't sure when he would be able to call me. I was use to talking to him at least once a day. Well he was able to call me that nightand it made all the difference int he word. He is currently only 2 hours away at a classification unit. We will be able to visit him in a couple of weeks and actually be able to touch him! He is much happier because he can go outside and will actually be able to do something. I am fine now that I can talk to him. Its going to be too much to talk to him everyday, but he is going to call everyday so I can hear his name and know that he is thinking of me and he can hear my voice. He will be gone for six years. When I think of that it makes me crazy, so I need to just go back to today and then its okay.

Ceil

Hello ALL!
It's me, Janine, back from my 12 week maternity leave. I just finished reading all the posts. Welcome to all the new people out there. Just to update the newbies. My husband was sentenced to 9 years in federal, he served 5 (by the grace of God), and was released to a 1/2 way house Nov. 2003. He came home permanently in June of 2004. He is now on 5 years probation. We just had our first child together in November 2004, and here I am back from my 12 weeks off from work. Sounds like everyone survived the holidays, the hardest times. Isn't it a relief when they are all over and you realized you made it one more year! It was for me. Well, I ended up having a C-section at 41 weeks because my lil' girl didn't want to come out on her own. She is absolutely beautiful. Today was rough coming back to work and leaving her with the sitter. I cried the whole way to work but I am doing better now. I thought about you all often during the holidays and my husband and I prayed for you and your families. Now we have Valentines coming up, when does it end!!!! Try to keep busy, as if that would be hard considering you do everything around the house and work and take care of the kids!!! UHhhhhgggg! Well, I will check back in periodically to see how you guys are doing and to catch up.
On a good note... We were in church yesterday and the pastor asked for major prayer request and I thought long and hard but realized all my needs are being met and I really didn't have to ask for more. There is light ladies!
Take care,

Janine

Hi,

This is my first time posting. These days I have been feeling overwhelmed and was glad I stumbled across this website. My husband is currently serving a life sentence in Alabama. We have been married for 2 1/2 years (we married since he's been incarcerated). He went up for parole back in October but was denied. My life feels like an emotional rollercoaster at times because it's hard to even see the light at the end of the tunnel when the only hope for someone serving a life sentence is parole. I feel God has placed us together for a reason and it's that faith that keeps me pressing on.

Oh yea,
Here is link to my baby's photo.

http://www.photoreflect.com/scripts/prsm.dll?PhotoCard?id=07D50002001900000026002ANXVHBQGI

Janine-
What a cutie pie!! How old is she in that picture? I can't believe how fast the time has gone from when you first got pregnant until now. If only my husbands time could fly by that fast. I'm glad to hear you and your family are doing well. You are an inspiration to me. We still have alittle over 2yrs on my husbands sentence and it seems like FOREVER. How is your husband doing? Is he still adjusting?

Hi Toni-
If you are out there. I pray that you are ok and God is continuing to bless you and your family. Please let us know what is going on.

Welcome Younique-
I admire your strength and committment because that is a long time to be without your husband. Somewhere there is light at the end of the tunnel, you might have to travel a bit but at some point you'll get closer. Just believe that God can change things even in the worst situation. We are always here if you want to talk.

Hey Cecil-
I'm glad you were finally about to talk to your husband. I know how you feel. We still have alittle more than 2yrs and it drives me crazy. But somehow I got through the first half so I'll get through the next. My husband calls me everyday just to hear me say "I love you" and so that I know he is ok. Unfortunately if I don't hear from him I start to get alittle paniced. For example he didn't call the house at all yesterday. Tonight is our phone night and his birthday, so I'll be sitting on pins and needles waiting for his call. Sometimes I wish we didn't start this so that I didn't trip when he didn't call. I usually try not to get really upset until it's been more than a day or two.

Ok...don't want to ramble. I'll let someone else have the floor. :-)

Hi Rob,
Nice to be back and in touch with ya'll. Yea, time has flown for us too. I knew I would look back after he was home and be able to say that but the waiting was horific. She was 8 weeks in the that picture. She is now 11 1/2 weeks old and already weighs 16 lbs. WOW!! She is definently healthy. Husband seems to be doing fine. He gets irritable when he has to wake up during the night and early mornings for the baby though. I don't remember him sleeping as much as he does now before he went in. Maybe he got used to rest over the 5 years he was away.

Take care everyone!

Janine

I know you guys are checking in to see if anyone has posted. Lets get this sight moving again. Any good ideas for Valentines Cards or something to send your man while he is away? I know Toni had some great ideas a while back. Taking a picture of yourself with lots of hearts and sending to your man. What did you do?

My youngest is sick, my daugher is having a birthday party tomorrow at our house, the house is a complete mess, especially their playroom where the party will be and I am totally overwhelmed. David is calling every day but only to check in. We are only talking every couple of days and that is really hard to get adjusted to. I wrote him a letter a couple of days ago and still haven't gotten a stamp to mail it. I got used to talking to him everyday and I don't know how to get adjusted to not talking to him. How do you all do it? Everything is fine as long as all is well, but as soon as someone gets sick or something else happens to upset the equation, I get overwhelmed. I have no one else to watch them if they get sick, so I have the constant struggle of deciding whether to stay home or send him to day care and how will he feel int he morning, etc. It is all so hard. Right now I say I'm just going to sit and watch Dr. Phil and let the rest take care of itself.

Janine, so good to have you back. Your daughter is beautiful!

Ceil

I feel your pain Ceil. Not sure how I did it all those years. All I do know is that one day took care of the next. Take a deep breath and hot bath with a glass of wine tonight. Light some candles and relax...if you have the time. I remember my husband telling "Just take a day to sit around and do nothing, take some time for your self" So much easier said than done. I would get mad at him for telling me that because I guess I was the only one who knew the reality of our situation because a day to relax was lost money, which we REALLY needed and time lost to do chores. Actually I would get mad at him most of the time for putting me in such a place. Now that he is home I can't stand to hear him complain. I don't think I am not understanding but he just doesn't realize what I had to do to keep our family together those 5 years. He does try to understand but it isn't possible nor is it possible for me to understand what he went through those 5 years. But to be honest with you girls, I don't really care what he went through because it was his poor choices that took him there. Anyway! Life is good finally. The bitterness is fading as time goes by and new happier things happen in our lives. Get this, since he is a felon he has to go in to the DNA bank for his DNA to be put on file. Isn't that horrible. Big brother caving in on us a little more.

Take care,

I sat down and watched Dr. Phil then took a deep breath and told the girls to start cleaning their room and I started cleaning the living room. I sat them down and gave them my "you have to help me" speech and we got some more done. Sometimes just taking 5 minutes can make a big difference. Anyway, at least I'm not ready to explode any more. Thanks.

Ceil

Hi, guys. Long-time no type! I have been on a very misguided adventure since losing my home. Johnny got a 4 year set-off and that has torn us up really bad. He hurt his back while being a hospice worker and may face surgery. He went on a medical chain to Plainview and had an MRI. He is in pain 24/7 and that is takinig it's toll. I am living in Kingman Arizona part-time and Amarillo Texas part time and in hell the rest of the time. Just kidding, well, it feels that way, any way. Just, well, you know how it goes. The good news is that Johnny is supposed to be at the top of the pile for DNA testing ( just the review to see if they will do it) after waiting for 5 years on that part. We are doing out 23rd year of incarceration now and we are doing it. I can't say more than that. We are doing it. I miss you guys and hope to be back in Texas full-time by next month. I tried to go back to work full-time and lasted 2 weeks. I'm just not strong enough. Someday I will face that but until then I will just keep pushing. YOu guys take care and know that my heart is with you and I miss you all very much. I still don't have internet.

Hey everyone. Long time no post for me. I figure no one ever remembers me because I swear I will post and then never do. I get so busy taking care of me and him and working and just everything…It’s overwhelming at times and in my down time I do absolutely nothing. But I stopped by and I want to get back into the posting here…I’ve read what everyone has said recently and want to welcome all the new people here. Hopefully through all of us we can keep the flow up around here….

First I wanted to say to Anonymous (on Feb 3rd) that most likely once your husband gets to where he will be doing his time, he will meet with a counselor and they will tell him his official release date as well as his early release date (for good time, time served etc.) What Rob said is pretty accurate from all that I have heard but it depends on the crime and the sentence as well as the state involved and I don’t know much about NY.

Ceil- I know the feeling of not talking when you get used to it. It’s hard to go from everyday to even 3 times a week. I’m so excited for you that you will be able to have a contact visit soon. My husband does the same thing though, he calls every day to let me know he is thinking of me. I only accept calls on Sun, Tues and Thurs unless he calls me right back and then I know that he needs to talk to me. It’s funny how many little systems the two of us have worked out to communicate. LOL when he was in county, he could record his name so instead of saying his name he would ask me questions and I would answer based on how long I let the recording play. We could have conversations that way for free as long as my responses were limited to yes no maybe and I don’t know. But it worked for us…

Janine-I’m so happy for you and your family. I tried to follow the link to see the picture, but it wasn’t available. I don’t know if you took it down or if something else happened, but thank you for putting that up for everyone. Stuff like that gives us all hope that there is an end to the gloom of prison life. You are living proof! You hit the head on the nail when you said that you don’t always care what he went through because it was he who put both of you in that situation. I feel that way often and luckily when I’m feeling that way, Shawn is good enough that he can hear me say that to him and not take offense. I’m no longer actively angry at him for any of this. Haven’t been for a long time. Yes I have instances of anger and would of could of should of…but that won’t get us anywhere. Hope everything remains well with you.

Toni-I hope all is well with you and that you and Johnny are able to make some progress with all of this. I think of you often. You are such a strong woman and the reason that all these wonderful ladies are able to communicate with each other. God Bless you.

Not much else is going on around here. I’ve been very busy. This past month I was very sick with pneumonia and then I got sent to Seattle for a deposition (totally unrelated issue has nothing to do with Shawn or anything like that) and the day I returned from Seattle we received word that my grandmother had passed away. So more time off for the wake and funeral. Thankfully my tax return came through so the time off of work hasn’t hurt us too much. I’m hanging in there and looking forward to my next trip to see my husband. He is still in MN so much closer to me that WA was and cheaper phone calls. His birthday is the end of March and I’ll be there the weekend after his birthday.

Thank you all for listening to me ramble…had to catch up after all my time off…

sera_ashleigh

Hi. I've never done this before. I just found the site. It is good to know that I am not alone in what I am going through.

My husband (Michael) is serving a 10-year sentence (actual time 8 1/2). He has done about 2 1/2 years of it. We were an upper middle class family. He was a good provider, good husband, good father. I was a stay at home mom of two teenage girls. I never in a million years imagined I'd find myself in this nightmare. He had never done anything wrong in his life. I was totally blindsided. He has a gambling addiction (that I didn't fully understand)that led to his crime. His parents taught him to play poker when he was little. You never know when something so innocent will lead to something so devastating.

It's been a tough few years. At first I didn't think I could survive it. Now, I have good days and bad days. I do depend on God and have seen his provision in many ways and best of all Michael has accepted Christ, something I had been praying for.

I've dealt with many of the same difficulties and feelings I have been reading about. It was interesting to read about the other wives/gf dealing with the inmate asking/pleading to call this one, do that, etc. It is exhausting when you're holding on by a thread. He just filed a post conviction relief and I know it is going to start all over again.

Also interesting is hearing about other's experiences in the work place. God did provide me with a wonderful job, a real miracle. It's weird that people know I am married but I never speak about my husband. I know that have to wonder what is up. It feels like I live a double life. A few people know and are very supportive. It's just a weird situation.

I'm really hard on myself because I feel like I should be "over it" by now. So hearing it is somewhat normal to have highs and lows is reassuring. I pretty much go to work and come home and am happy that way. I have friends and I thank God for them. But I find that I can't really find in enjoyment in much. It's just not the same w/o my husband. We were married 18 years before he went in. My kids are great and still at home but I am pretty much in the empty nest stage since they are 20 and 18 and in college and trying also to get on with their lives.

Well anyway. I guess I'm looking for someone to connect with or else I wouldn't have gone surfing for this kind of site. It's hard going it alone. I love and miss my husband. Thanks.

Hello everyone,
I am also new at this. My husband was recently sentenced to 7 years. He has only been locked up for 7 months, and I have many years to come. I am happy to see there is a web site like this one. We have two children an 8yr girl and a 5yr boy. It is very hard for the both of us. We are trying to appeal his case, but I am not sure how the court system works. Is anyone in here from Washington State?

Anonymous-

While I currently live in Illinois and my husband is in Minnesota, we are involved in the Washington State system as that is the state that has him under custody. (I'm sure that made no sense, but...) I have done A LOT of research on the Washington system as has my husband. If you have ANY questions please ask. If we don't know, we will let you know, but most likely, Shawn will be able to look up and find an answer (believe it or not he enjoys doing that type of stuff!) You can email me at xbaby_slavex@hotmail.com Good luck with everything either way.

sera

Welcome Anonymous to the site! Sera, it is good to hear from you as well. It's great to see some activity here again! We need each other as no one really understands like we do. I am going through the period of waiting until we can see my husband. It should be within the next two weeks, but we have a problem now that only 3 people can visit and we have 3 kids, so I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I hate to leave anyone behind when we haven't been able to touch him since May. I've actually started the letter writing thing, although it is much easier for me to do it on the computer than to handwrite it. I think I get some comfort from my commitment to him and our family, if that makes any sense. Trying to decide what to do about a marriage is exhausting. Knowing that I am in this for the long haul takes all that uncertainty away. This happens to people of every walk of life. Anyway, its good to hear from all the new women. This is a great site and a source of a lot of comfort for me.

Thanks, Ceil

Ceil-

Just wondering if they count kids the same way as adults. I know that in a few of the places my husband has been that while he can only have maybe 2 visitors at once, they mean 2 adults and he can have like three kids in addition to the adults at the same time. I'm not sure if that's something you checked out already but just thought that I would mention it.

Hope everyone is doing well.

sera

Ceil,
I agree with Sera, the kids don't count for the amount of people they let in.
Welcome to everyone else and the 2 Anonymous'. My heart goes out to all you women out there. Just try to take one day at a time and not focus on the lengthy sentences. You will look back someday and wonder how you did it all those years and it will be a part of history by then.

Anyone heard from Kim lately????

Take care girls,

Janine

Hello again,
Thank you all for welcoming me "the anonymous" I am missing my man so much today. He is suppose to be sent to a prison closer to our home soon. Hopefully then I will be able to visit him. I haven't been able to visit him in a long time. Thanks everyone, and good luck to all.

Hello everyone. My name is Michelle, I live in California and I just came across this awesome website. The only problem is that I came across it 8 years late - lol. My man has been home since June of last year after serving 8 1/2 years. For me this is what I have spent so many years of my life waiting on. For him though he is now having to adjust to living on the outside and the things that have changed. Prior to his incarceration he had never been in any legal trouble. He grew up on a dairy ranch and was taught to be a hard worker with traditional values. While locked up he was diagnosed with mental health problems and he is taking medications for those problems. I worry about him because his depression is worsening over his not having found employment yet. It is killing him to have to live on my support. He is such a strong and proud man and now he must turn to others for both emotional and financial support. I sometimes worry that I will be spending the next 3 years of my life terrified of losing him again (while he is on parole). He got 2 strikes on one sentencing so if - God forbid - he were to be violated for anything then we are facing him being sentenced to 25 years to life. We have been together going on 11 years (off and on while he was in prison - due to my own failure to be able to handle the stress of being a "prison-wife") I know now that while I can make it without him - a part of me would die if I lost him again. I love this man more than I ever thought I was capable of loving another human being. He is not perfect but he is perfect for me and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just wish that I had found this website years ago. If any of you know of any Central California agencies that might assist with parolees reentering the workforce please email me at michellemcree@hotmail.com Thank you all so very much. For all of you who have stood by your men over the years I do admire you.

Hi Michelle,
Welcome to the site. My husband also came home last year after serving 5 1/2 years. He was released from the 1/2 way house in June also. So we have this in common. Luckily I had sent my husbands resume out before he ever got home and we ended up knowing someone who gave him a chance. It is the best job he has ever had. What a God send. The pay isn't so great but the benefits are enormous.
I am so happy for you to have your man back. Thanks for posting here and I will pray for husband to get work.

Take care everyone!

Janine

Just needing to vent tonight. Shawn always calls me every night. We usually only speak on Tues, Thurs and Sun, but he calls and lets the recording play every day to let me know that he is thinking of me. We spoke on Thursday and we had a little fight before hanging up. Nothing major at all. I don't remember if he called on Fri or Sat or not, but he didn't call on Sun at all (even though it was our scheduled day to talk) and he hasn't called since. I'm getting worried. The prison hasn't called me to say that anything is wrong with him yet, but something doesn't feel right. The last time something like this happened, he had been put in seg, but I can't imagine that he would be there again. I haven't gotten a letter from him yet telling me he is in seg and I should have gotten that by today if it was the case even with the holiday on Monday. I'd call the prison but they won't tell me anything (found that out the last time) I know there is a chance that the phones are out, but not likely considering how long it has been already. What really worries me is that he just transfered to his own cell but has to play "segregation lottery" and there is a guy that was in seg the last we talked that Shawn doesn't get along with. I've been scared that this guy got out of seg and somehow got paired up with Shawn and that he did something to my husband. I know the chances of this are minimal, but it doesn't help. I just have this nagging feeling that something is wrong and I can't shake it.

Thanks for listening, I feel a little less burdened now getting this out there...I'll post something if/when I hear from him next and let everyone know why he hasn't been calling. Hopefully it will be something stupid.

sera

Hello all,
Sera, your husband is in Washington state right? If so, my man is also. If you need me to, and if there in the same prison maybe I can find something out for you. Hope everything turns out okay and let me know if there is anything I can do for ya.

Good luck
Amanda

Amanda-

We are from WA state but they transferred him to MN due to overcrowding. Thank you for the offer though. I did get your email and I will respond soon, I promise. I'm just stressed right now with not hearing from him and all...

sera

Hi Everyone-

I know how you feel Sera. My husband and I play the same phone game. We only talk on Wed. and every other weekend unless it's important but he calls the house everyday so that I know he is ok. I start to get worked up too when I don't hear from him. I was thinking maybe it was not a good idea for us to come up with this plan. =)

Anyway, you don't think he's not calling because of the "arguement" do you? Can you call the facility and ask if he is in medical or if the facility is on lockdown? I know they don't give out much information. Otherwise pray, pray, pray for his protection. I know you can wait for this day to be OVER so you can get that call =). Keep us posted.

Hey guys,
Just a thought. When my husband was in he met some wonderful Christian men that he hung around with. So good that my son and I ended up staying at one of the their wives homes some weekends for visits, since they lived closer to the prison. They are wonderful people. Certainly not the 'type' you would expect to be in prison, much like our men. When I didn't hear from him for a while I would contact her to see if she knew what was going on. She usually did because she was so close that she visited a few times a week. Possibly for next time Sera your husband can give you some of his friends wives phone numbers so you guys can stay in touch with each other if something is wrong. It worked for us. Just a thought.

Hey everyone. Thank you for the kind words. I finally got a letter (actually two letters) from Shawn. He *is* in seg (which in some ways was what I was hoping for--the lesser of all evils) Apparently he was in med line and the nurse said something to him and he got upset and frustrated and didn't control his mouth. He said something along the lines of, "One of these days, someone, besides me, is going to burn this place down." I don't know if he was thinking that his saying 'besides me' would keep him out of trouble, (stupid thought if that was indeed his plan) but he was written up for threat of security of the institution (or something similar) As of his writing his most recent letter in my possession, he has not yet had his hearing. He said he expects most likely that he will get 30 days in seg. I'm not thrilled obviously, but thank God he is OK and all of that.

On the positive side, he has taken responsibility for this. I'm sure that that will go over well in his hearing. He knows that he said something that he shouldn't have and that this is totally his fault. I'm proud of him for that. I'm getting sick of hearing that X wasn't his fault because of...or Z wasn't his fault because...or if only "They" would do this...For the first time (other than his being in prison to begin with) he has taken responsibility for his actions without placing blame on someone else.
One of his friends called me this evening to see if I knew anything and to let me know what he knew. I was surprised and kind of dissappointed. My caller ID on my cell phone is listed as such that when he calls me it actually says "my husband" so I thought he was calling me. I was upset to see that it was someone else, but happy to know that someone else cared enough about the both of us to keep me informed.

Thank you again for listening. I'm feeling kind of lonely right now and just needed to vent.

sera

I am gong to visit my husband tomorrow and am so excited! We haven't touched since May and we haven't been able to see him for over a month. I can only take 2 of our 3 kids with us, though. Since he is in a classification facility, you can only have 3 visitors at a time and thatincludes kids. I called and confirmed this today. I was really upset because our kids haven't done anything wrong. They are being punished. And the people I talked to all sounded so "by the book" like they were just doing their job and were dealing with another convict family. But then he called tonight and said he was cleared for a visit and my neighbor is going to babysit for my 23 month old and my older daughter said she would stay back with a friend next time so her brother can go. One of our cats was missing for a couple of days and she just came home and our dog was getting out of the yard and I found the hole and blocked it up and he hasn't gotten out anymore, so life is pretty good. Plus its FRIDAY! My middle daughter has been getting pretty sad lately about not seeing her daddy, so we went out tonight and I bought her a locket so she can put his picture in it and always have him with her. Sometimes it is so hard, but then the "cat comes home" and things seem manageable again.

Anyway, welcome to all of the new ladies. Its great to see the activity on this site! We need each other so much.

Thanks, Ceil

hey whats up its been a long time sence i have posted anythang i see that kim and Janine are still on hear and hi toni so anything new on your husband ? mine was up for parole and did not make it ,, so i went and got that lawyer for him lori redmond i guess we will see what she is all about on may 5th of this year man its been a long time i was like 4 mo preg, when i found this web page and now the baby is almost 2ys well did you ever move to dallas i am still hear in longview when Marcus gets out i sure hope we get to go back to Dallas i miss it its big and you can never run out of stuff to do , how are your girls ? well yall take care and i will post soon ,,, misty

Ceil-

That is a great idea about the locket for your daughter. I'm very happy to hear that you will be seeing your husband tomorrow and though it sucks that they won't let all three kids in, it sounds like you have GREAT kids when your oldest daughter understands giving up something for herself to give something to her sibling. I hope that your visit goes well.

Hope everyone else is doing well and feeling positive.

sera

Just checking in. Seems it's been a quiet weekend around the site. It's not been so quiet in my life. Shawn of course is still in seg and I haven't heard from him yet. But today is what was the most emotionally draining.

My father is an alcoholic and he stopped drinking almost 12 years ago. I was so proud of him. But about six months ago he started again and got really bad really fast and life has been hell around here. I've had Shawn to talk to about all of it in the past but seeing as he is in seg, I don't have him for that right now. It's finally gotten bad enough that my family did an intervention with him tonight. It actually went pretty well despite my mom walking out on him and locking herself in the garage. Finally he realized we were serious and that it wasn't something to joke about and he poured the remaining alcohol down the drain tonight. Then we all wound up in the garage and cried for quite some time. What's even worse is I'm coming down with a sinus infection (again!) and the crying has exaserbated that problem.

But I do think that we made a difference tonight. One of the hardest things about all of this is that no one would expect these things in my life. There is a steretypical image that many people have of families with alcoholics and felons. They certainly don't expect these things of an upper middle class suburban family. We don't, to the outside world, appear to have problems, but of course no one is perfect and our problems right now are big.

I'm sorry to be so down tonight, I just needed to let some of this out somewhere and I'm thinking of Shawn so much right now that this site seemed like a good place to do so. Thank you for listening.

sera

Hello everyone,
Sera sorry to hear you are feeling down and out. I am doing alright this weekend it was my daughters 8th birthday and I through her a party and it went good, but tonight she got really sad because she missed her dad. We haven't been able to visist him in some time because of his location. Hopefully when they move him it will be easier to visit him. He calls every Saturday and Sunday to talk to us but he is timed on the phone and the calls are very expensive. N. E ways things for listening all.

Amanda

My visit with my husband on Saturday went really well. When our two daughters saw him they got so excited and really brightened up. One mistake was that he forgot to tell me to bring quarters, so we couldn't get anything to eat. And the officers who checked us in at the front were really nice, especially with the girls, and that was so nice that I thanked them for being so nice with the girls. It was a long ride, but I plan on doing it again this weekend so our son can see him.

Sera, it sounds like you had a tough time, but it ended up well. I have alcholism all over my family. My father had been sober for 20+ years, but he still had his periods of anger. But when he was diagnosed with lung cancer, none of that stuff mattered. He died 3 weeks before my oldest child was born, and I learned so much from him about what is really important. I got that same kind of feeling when David got his sentence. It was so overwhelming, but you really see how you feel about people. I knew at that moment that I was with him for the long haul because I caught a glimpse of loosing him forever. We are so lucky to have loved ones to miss. There are so many people who don't have someone to love and whose loved ones have passed away. Whenever I'm really missing David, I try to be grateful for that feeling because it means I'm loving someone who loves me back. Perfect - definitely not - but its true. I'm rambling. Thanks for all of you strong women who encourage me.

Ceil

hey....i've been looking for a place where i am not alone. seems to me i am the only wife in the world who is waiting for her husband who has bein in for 5 yrs and has five to go. it sure has been hard and lonely. just seeing other meesages fron others that are going thru the same thing is comforting to me.

ps yep that my real name!!!

Joi,

Welcome to the site. I'm glad you found us. This site let's me know that felons are not the horrible people pictured on TV and that the families are regular people trying to keep their families together. Welcome again.

Ceil

Hi, my name is Bobbie I found this site by mistake but I'm glad I did. He's not my husband right now but will be when he comes home. I look at him as my husband though. I would love to have some support on having your man in prision. So, if you can send me an email

Thanks,

Bobbie Lynn

Hi All-

How is everyone? I want to welcome all the new people to the site. I would probably say most people here kinda stumbled to it. Feel free to vent, scream or just share.

Well my husband just hit the two year about and has just alittle over two years to go. At first I looked at it like another two years, but now it seems like we are on the down side of this journey and everyday is a day closer to him coming home. Ok...talk to you later

Bobbie Lynn ,

Welcome to the site. I can't commit to emailing you, but
we are here to support you whenever we can.

I have started to have hourly
contact visits with my husband once a week and it is
almost making it harder. My daughters seem to miss
him more now, too. We won't be able to go every week,
but I need to get up there as much as I can so our son,
who is 23 months, can get to know his daddy again.
Rob, it is awesome that you can start to see the down
side. He has been away now for about 11 months and
he has 6 more years to go. I am praying for God to
intervene if God knows that he will be able to come out
with the help that he needs. I just don't feel that it is
God's will for him to be in there for so long. But if it is,
God will see us through. boy, how I miss him, though. It
is almost harder now then when he was in the local jail.
How do you women do it who are hours and hours
away?

Ceil

Hi everyone-

Yeah Ceil how do people do it hours away. My husband is 1 1/2 each way, so it's not a problem. But when he was in reception it was 3 hours each way. That about killed me because I would stay and visit for about 4hours. Needless to say, I didn't make very many trips there =) but he understood.

Hey all...My husband is currently a 10 hr drive away from me. We used to be over 2000 miles apart. After the arrest we lost the house and I had to move back to IL with my parents. But then they transferred him from WA to MN due to overcrowding. For us there are a few benefits to him being closer. For one, the place he is in now has MUCH cheaper phone calls. It's now about 6 dollars for 20 minutes where it used to be about 27 dollars for 20 minutes. I don't see him any more often because it takes about the same amount of time to drive the 10 hours to see him as it did to fly the four hours to WA before and it is hard for me to get off of work.

So how do we make it work? Lots of letters, scheduled phone calls. Remembering that "this too shall pass," and that one day we will be together again on the outside. I go out to visit every three months. Knowing that we have a scheduled time when we will see each other again helps us get through the time we are apart. Breaking the time down into smaller chunks helps a lot. It's also great that for us our three month visits correlate with a special event every time. In March it is his birthday, in June it is the anniversary of when we met, September is my birhtday and December is Christmas. Makes it a bit more special when we have something to celebrate during our visits as well.

Of course I'm lookng forward to when we don't have the rules and regulations of prison guards telling us how long we can kiss or whether we can share a pop or whatever. They say that marriage takes a lot of work and I think that it's even more true for women like us who are waiting on our men. But in the end, this is going to be so worth it. And I can't wait.

sera

Hi Everyone,

I need to vent. Let me ask you a question. How do you disagree or have an "agruement" while they are locked up? This all started with a conversion that he had with his ex-wife. It's a long story, but I will say with her you ALWAYS HAVE TO WATCH WHAT'S COMING FROM THE LEFT. I don't want to have to sugar coat what needs to be discussed. Whenever I bring something to him, some how it gets twisted around and turned back on me. Yet I have to understand the place that he is in and his feelings because he has to hold his temper in there. And I have to deal with the "poor me". I didn't put him there. I feel sorry and compassion but only so far. I have been and still am carrying the load because of him. I have to handle all his other business with courts and crap, yet it seems as though it's not enough. I work two jobs 60hours per week. I go visit every other weekend and pay for all the phone calls. But yet I don't spend any/enough time with his kids. Picking them up for sleep overs and taking them around etc. etc. I am tired!!! and when I get time I want to relax before I have to start all over. According him, no one else (i.e. me, his family and frends) is doing what he would do or thinks should be done. But he can't expect everyone else to pick up his slack just because he decided to mess up. He should have thought about that before he did the things that he did.

I love my husband very much. It's just I am tired and sometimes I just want to say forget him and everybody else and go back to living my safe,quiet,no drama, police,courts, having money and future,life before him. On the other hand I feel like I am meant to be here to help him get to where God wants him to be.

Sorry for venting

I just found out that my husband has Hepatits C and am worried about the treatment or lack of treatment he will get. I've been reading on the internet about the plan of action and have also been reading about how lacksidasical the prison health system is. Does anyone have any experience with this. According to the articles I've read, HVC is almost epidemic in the prison system. I don't know who I need to contact, who I need to bug to make sure he gets the treatment he needs. The state wanted him - no they need to take care of him! I welcome any insight into the medical care of prisoners.

Thanks, Ceil

Hi Ceil

Sorry to hear about your husband. I talk to my husband all the time about Hepatits C, because I'm worried he might get it. I don't know much about it. But go to the Prison talk online website and go the the forums section. They have a thread about it. People are ususally more active on that site so you may get some questions answered quicker.

http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/

Hi everyone,
After reading your posts I wanted to address Rob first. I am so happy for you being on your down side. I remember that happening for me and it all seemed to look up from there. We were able to start counting down instead of dreading the long wait of the sentence. Congrats to you! It should get easier from here on out. I remember as it got closer counting the times I would have to mow the lawn again! And it's a big lawn. The last Christmas alone, the last Easter, Halloween, etc. I started to actually be able to let my guard down slightly. What a relief! When he was released into the 1/2 way house it did get more difficult for the short time he was there though. Trying to visit daily, the guilt of not visiting every day though. The cost of the 1/2 way house was somewhere around $600.00 a month we had to pay for 6 months and he was only really there for 3 months. I will stop there since you still have some time ahead of you. Ask me again when it gets close and I can give you some advice. As far as arguments... Girl, let me tell you. You ARE doing enough by just waiting for your man. If he expects more he is not thinking about you and your stress. I would tell him outright if he can't accept what I am doing then I won't do anything. You call the shots girl, your on the outside. If you stop doing things guess what, he can't do anything about it. I hate to harsh but where do our men come off demanding things and expecting us to bend over backwards to accomodate them and their mistakes. GRRRRRR! This topic makes me angry. I know how much I had to do just to keep everything going around the house alone. Then to have to listen to a whiny man. I told my husband I just couldn't listen to him whine while he was in. He tried a few times after that but it just made me mad to listen to it. I needed him to be strong for me and try to build me up when we spoke so I could get through the next challenging day. So your question was "how do do you have an argument while there locked up?" My answer to that is "you don't!" Rob, you call the shots not him. He will never understand what your going through on the outside and you will never understand what he is going through on the inside, but keep in mind it wasn't you that got him there. Okay, I'm done. ahhhhhh I will take a breath now. :-)

Ceil,
My husband was also told he had Hep C while he was in. He couldn't figure out how he got it since he never had a tatoo in prison or had a blood transfusion of any type. They told him he could have had it years earlier but he did have tests prior years and it never showed up. They started treating him for it and he came home about a 11 months later. The medicine they were giving him we found out, through the first doctor on the outside, that it wasn't even approved in the U.S. The doctor took a look at it and knew that my husband was in prison by the medication. Aparently the prisons give out meds that are either taken off the market or haven't even been FDA approved yet. SCARY!! But the good news behind this is that my husband went to 2 different doctors and they have both told him he doesn't have Hep C. Where in the world do they come up with this crap in prison. I was all worried and freaked out from what I read about Hep C only to find out they have no idea what they are doing in prison. My husband told me that for everyone who dies in prison the system gets $100,000.00 in life insurance. I wonder if they get more money for sickly prisoners too and that is why they misdiagnose????
J

Hi Janine-
Thanks for the words of encouragement. You are right, I do call the shots out here. I'm not as "hard core" as I need to be because I start feeling bad. But no more because I have to tighten my purse strings, especially with these gas prices going sky high. If they go too high he will have to decide if he wants me to come and see him every other weekend or talk on the phone. Boy!! Oh and he did apologize to be for getting upset. He had just received my letter not long before our weekly phone call, so he didn't have time to really process it. Anyway, I try to look at it as each day, each month is a day closer to coming home. You had to pay for him to be in the 1/2 house? I thought that came out of his pay? Yes, I'll have loads of questions for you later.

Enough about me....how are you and how is the baby?? I know she is getting bigger everyday. How is motherhood? And your husband, is he doing well? I'm glad you can still find a few minutes to followship with us here.
Rob

I hope everyone has a good Easter. I'm heading to my inlaws tomorrow morning. I feel some sadness because last Easter my husband was at the end of his relapse and he was suppose to come with us for Easter. The day before we were leaving, he disappeared and I had to explain something to the girls about where he was and I had to leave and go down to his family with this over our heads. We made the most of it, but I'm thinking about it since I am planning on leaving tomorrow. At least this year I know where he is. We're on spring break from school until April 4th, so I'm hoping to get some rest.

Happy Easter.

Ceil

Hi everyone! I hope all is well with you. I spent a few monments ranting and raving and the computer erased it so I guess fussing is not something I'm supposed to do. Heavy sigh.
Johnny got a 4 year set off. I am raising cane over it. He is facing sugery because a patient who was faking fell dead weight on him and ruptured a disk so I am freaking at the prospect of back surger in a penatentary. My own situation should improve. Everyone says it will and I work in it daily but so far it is just really hard. No point in going into it. I just miss you all and hope you are doing well.
Take care,
Toni

HI! THIS IS MY FIRST TIME HERE, AND I'M HAPPY TO HAVE FOUND YOU! MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN IN PRISON FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS, AND NOW IS IN A HALF-WAY HOUSE. I MARRIED HIM 4 YEARS AGO, KNOWING HE HAD COMMITTED A CRIME , AND WOULD HAVE TO TURN HIMSELF IN TO PRISON. OURS WAS A FAIRY-TALE ROMANTIC LIFE, AS WE LIVED IN LAS VEGAS. WE MARRIED AT THE AGES OF 47 AND 45. HE BROUGHT ME TO NEW JERSEY, TO TURN HIMSELF IN.....ALONE, 2500 MILES AWAY FROM MY HOME, LEGALLY BLIND...NO ONE TO HELP ME..SO I STARTED A JOURNAL, WHICH HELPED ME OUT OF THE DEEP DESPAIR I FOUND MYSELF IN... PLEASE STOP BY MY JOURNAL, AND READ ABOUT MY DAILY LIFE, AWAITING MY HUSBAND TO RETURN! http://JOURNALS.AOL.COM/CRYSTALMOON222/REFLECTIONSOFAPRISONWIFE/

Hello everyone,
I hope everyone is doing okay. I was wondering if anyone in here knows the rules in Washington State about overnight visits. I would like to eventually have them, and I am not sure how the work, or what there like. If you have information it would be greatfully appreciated.


Thanks all

Anonymous-

I know that in WA state in order to be approved, you have to fill out extensive paperwork for starters. He can get that paperwork for you from his counselor. I'm not sure what institution he is at but after sentencing he was probably transfered to shelton in the R-units. You two won't be eligible for trailer visits until at least one year has passed since he arrived at the R units. (even if he was transfered to a totally different institution) The other big stipulation is that you have to be family. This means either blood relative (or relative by adoption) or be legally married. The rules are pretty shady and depending on where you read they vary about when the marriage had to take place but for the most part if you were legally married before his sentencing you *should* be ok but it isn't a guarantee. I hope that this helps some but if you have any other questions, let me know...Basically the best place to start is to have him go talk to his counselor and he/she can tell him exactly what needs to happen for him to get the visits. But from what I understand the visits are about 48 hrs long (say fri noon to sun noon) and (at shelton for example) they have beds and kitchens and TVs and you can even rent dvds to watch together from their "prison blockbuster" of sorts. Pretty interesting. We haven't had a visit yet because they transfered my husband to MN two months before we were eligible, but we are hoping to get him back to WA soon so we can have a trailer visit. Sorry to ramble so much but there is a lot of stuff going into this question and I wanted to help as much as possible....

Have a great night!!

sera

Hi Everyone-

Where is everybody? No one has posted in a while. Well there's not alot going on with me, just plugging away and the husband is still locked up. =)

Anyway, what do you guys think of marriage counseling prior to your husbands release or directly after? My husband and I feel that that is important to help transition back into "normal life". I've read alot of post on another website where everything was ok while they where in and and after they got home the relationship ended. I'm specifically talking about husband and wives. Does anyone think it would help? Share your thoughts.

hi my name is marie and im from texas...i just read all messages and i feel pretty good that it is possible to wait on your spouse..i truly love my husband. we've been married for 14 years and my heart is breaking that i have just a few more days with him at home...we have 3 children, ages 13,10, and 6 and this is really going to be hard for this new change...but thank god i found ya...please give me advice on finances, loneliness, etc...thanks

Hi Mfajardo-

Welcome to the site!! There are alot of wonderfully strong women here, willing to listen, talk, share and give advice. Hopefully you will be able to find some sort of peace through this site.

I don't even know where to being. I didn't get a chance to spend any time with my husband before he went to jail. The judge would not grant him a bond, so when he left he was gone. I often wonder if I would have been more prepared had we had that time before hand, but sometimes I think it may have been harder. How long will your husband be gone? As far as finances you will probably have to cut back every where, unless you're wealthy =). I would suggest sitting down and making a plan with your husband. Other than your normal expenses, decide things like how much you can spend on the phone calls and how often he can call. I told my husband he can call every Wednesday (because I'm off the part-time job that day) and every other weekend. Lately we've been alittle lax so I have more firm =). It's just hard sometimes. Gas prices are going up so you'll have to decide how often you can visit. Do you know how far away he'll be? And then there's putting money on his books. How much you can afford there, if anything? My husband is good about not asking for alot of money. Over the past two years I have put enough on there for him to get a small black and white t.v. and a cd player. Outside of that I try to put alittle here and there, so that he can order toiletries, underwear, medical visits etc. Also my husband works, not that it's alot of money at all. He just recently got a "promotion" so he'll probably bring in about $50-$60 a month. (go big spender ha, ha). But he said he doesn't want anyone (me or one of his sisters) send money because he will live off his earnings. My husband understands it's hard out here making ends meet.

I'll be real honest........you will feel the loneliness. It is going to be hard, sometimes more than others, but you'll get through. Do you have good girlfriends or family members? Having a support system helps. You'll need to stay as active as you can. After awhile you'll have to try to not think about it every minute of every day. That makes the time seem unbearable. But it will probably take a while to get to that point, it's been just over two years and I'm at an ok place the majority of the time though I still have my bad/sad times. We still have two years to go but he is closer to coming home now than he was two years ago, that's what I keep telling myself. All that aside prayer is going to be the most important thing that you can do. It will get you through the loneliness, finances and everything else that will come your way. And remember trials test faith!!

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I hope something that I said helps. Just remember we are always here so any questions that you have ask away.

Mfajardo,

I left you a message on the other posting. Please let us know what happens.

Ceil

What's up??? Nobody writes anymore. Nobody answers questions or shares thoughts or comments. I guess it's a good sign, nobody needs support anymore. Ok...see ya around and good luck to all.

Peace and blessings

Sounds like Rob is leaving the site, am I right?

I totally agree with counseling for husband and wife. We actually go as a family in order to help our son adjust also. Can't have too much help going through the transition home.

Take care all

Janine

I hope Rob isn't leaving, even though I am part of the group not writing anymore. Rob, for me its not that I don't need anything any more, its just that I don't write. Doesn't make sense, does it?

We are gong to see my husband tomorrow and I am so excited. I just love him so much right now and can't wait to see him. Instead of missing him so much, I find myself caught up in the feelings of love sometimes, especially when it's been a few weeks since I've seen him. Something about absence making the heart grow fonder or something like that. Anyway, have a good weekend everyone.

Ceil

Okay, I am new here and I wish I found this site sooner, I am in the last four and a half months of my Fiances sentence and he will be home. but the strange thing is this is the hardest part, I found it easier to go through the first part of it. I am really having a hard time right now because his birthday is Thursday and our aniversary is in two weeks, anyone have any suggestions on to how to deal? Let me know,
PhoenixandSnow@aol.com

Snow,

Welcome to the site. I am just at the beginning of my
husband's sentence, so I can't offer any suggestions. I
do have a question, however. Do you find it harder
because it is so close now?

As far as how to handle special occasions, I try to do
something different from how we usually celebrate. I
am lucky because I have 3 small children who keep me
occupied and I can always do stuff with them. They
always want to have a birthday party for me with their
friends. Last year Mother's Day was really hard
because my husband had just went in and he always
did something special for mother's day. So what did we
do? We went to Chuck e Cheese. the place was empty
and it wasn't a constant reminder of my husband being
gone.

Hope this helps.,

Ceil

Yeah, ceil it does and yes it is hard because it is so close now, the hardest part is waiting on the letters and phone calls. See when he went in we were just friends and the relationship developed through the same letters I am waiting on. I did start a scrapbook with all the important pieces of the letters and the cards he has drawn for me, he is an artist. I guess what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, I am going to buy a six pack and drink them for him tommorrow, that'll be a hell of a way to celebrate for him. Thanx again for responding and hope to talk to you more soon.

Okay, can we all make some kind of a pact to try to write at least every couple of days. I check this site every day, but find it so easy to move on instead of writing.

My 2 year oldkeeps hitting keys and is making this very difficult to do right now. I at least wanted to try to get the ball rolling again.

Thanks, Ceil

I will try ceil, I check it everyday, but like you with nothing new it is hard to post. I went and saw my fiance this past weekend and it gets harder and harder to leave him there....anyone else want to stick them in your pocket when you leave? I told him about this and he says this is a good thing for me. So if anyone has any thoughts would love to talk.
Snow

I also check every day but rarely post. I think it is a good idea to try to committ to posting every few days.

Not much new here really. I went to see Shawn for his birthday in late March. Had a great visit and am hoping to go again for the 4th of July because they have extended visiting again which is so much nicer when I go out.

I'm hoping to hear from grad school in the next few weeks. I applied to go to UIC (University of Illinois Chicago) to get my Masters Degree in Social Work. All of my paperwork is in and I'm almost certain that I'm in but I need the official word still...

I was offered a promotion at work yesterday that after thinking about it and talking to my husband, I think I will accept. The money is honestly about the same, but the hours are better and the stressors, while perhaps not less, will be different and God knows I can use a change of pace.

While I'm not Catholic, the election of a new Pope today has me thinking a lot on religion and reminds me that God will get us through this. I know that not everyone is Christian and I don't mean to push views on anyone, but for those of us that are, don't forget how wonderful God is and trust in Him to see us through these trying times. There is a bigger plan that we are unaware of. (Part of the reason why I love watching Joan of Arcadia--reminds me this lesson every week.)

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. Look forward to seeing lots of activity around here. :)

sera

hello everyone

I have posted a few times. Things are a little crazy right now my man was already sentenced and doing well in his prison "we had regular contact visits for three hours" The feds came and picked him up last Sunday and put him into county because they are charging him with another charge from a while back. The have him in holding till they transfer him around to be catorgorized. Our visits are now only 45 min and the drive is 3hrs, we have to wait 3hrs in the waiting room to get in and we have to talk through a glass. The room me and the kids were in was very hot,small and stuffy. He is really down and out. It makes me depressed to hear how he feels. This should be a happy time for me because I am graduating from college June 10th, and all I can do is worry about how much time he'll get or where they will send him.
Sorry for venting everyone but it seems like when it rains it pours. He has only been locked up for 10 months and was sentenced to 7yrs. I'll stop complaining and try to think positive.

Thanks for listening everyone,

Amanda

Amanda,
I am in the last 4 months of a seven year sentence and hun, when it rains it dose pour, but you know what they say with no rain, there are no rainbows.....the constant moving them, getting returned letters because they moved them with no warning and the just down right poor treatment of the guys and girls are awful....but your strength is what gets them through this, they see that you are there no matter what and they appriciate it. My fiance does not know what he would do with out me and I feel the same about them....my suggestion is this to help him, buy him something silly, a postcard or stickers, I sent Phoenix Teenage mutant nija turtle stickers, he actually got excited....Amanda it is tough and I can't relate totally because Phoenix and I don't have kids, and I won't tell you it gets easier...I hate that line, but each day brings you one day closer to the end, one day at a time is all you can do and remember, he owes you big time when he comes home, at least a month of no housework, cooking, and taking care of the kids. keep your chin up Amanda

Amanda,

It seems like you and I are in the same situation as far
as the amount of time our husbands have. I also have
children -3. The place that I am in right now is working
to maintain my husband in our lives. Our lives are
going on and for the most part it is good. I have people
help me and I receive things that I probably wouldn't get
if my husband was home. I find myself getting
comfortable with the situation. I don't miss him on a
daily basis and I get afraid sometimes that I'm getting
too use to him not being here. but on the flip side, at
times I think that I am just content where I am and
making the best of a bad situation. I think that is really
the truth, because I do love my husband and want him
to come home, but I'm making the best of it now.

Amanda, I think the waiting time for the sentennce is
almost harder than the actual time. At least once you
know what you have to deal with you can deal with it.
there is nothing that lets you know how powerless you
are as the court system. there is nothing you can do.
You are at their mercy. For me I get comfort knowing
that there is a God who is stronger than the court
system and that He is in charge. I believe that when
God believes my husband should be released he will
be released. When I look at it from that perspective, I
know that GOD is in charge and has some work that he
needs to do on my husband and it makes it all so much
easier.

Everyone have a great weekend!

Ceil

Happy Monday, Ladies,

I had a really nice visit with my husband on Saturday. I
talked to him yesterday, however, and he sounded
down about the amount of time he has. He hasn't quite
done 1 year yet, and he has 6 more to go. I cannot get
caught up in that. I told him I felt very lucky to have him
in my life and I meant it. But when he starts talking
about the length of time and gets discouraged, it is very
easy for me to get in it too. I MUST only think about
today. When I start thinking about 6 years from now, it
overwhelms me. I HAVE to focus on what I have today
and the gifts in my life. I cannot get through this if I am
consumed with missing him and what I don't have. I
must remember that I have a husband who loves me
and I love him and a God who brought us together. As
I've said before, having 3 kids helps so much because I
get to do things with them. Anyway, have a great day.

Ceil

Ceil,
You are a strong women and yes, keep him thinking about the present not the yrs, it is hard sometimes, but when he focuses on the numbers it gets hard for both of y'all. I have found it easier to count weeks and not months or years. Weeks past by quicker. I am not sure about your states rules about what they can and can't have sent to him, but you could aslo send him a calander for the month with the weeks counted down for him. I have done it in the past for Phoenix and it helps. I am going to see Phoenix in two weeks and can't wait. I hate the leaving thing though...if they could only make bigger pants pockets. well I am going to go, Snow

Hello everyone,

Hope everyone is doing well.

Thank You Ceil and Snow for your support and suggestion.
I have been writing my man pretty much every day because his call times don't match my work schedule. Which sucks, but we can't change that.

Ceil it is hard when they get depressed about the time they have left. But our time to have our men back will be some day soon. We just have to try and think positive, so that they will also. Even thoe at times it seems imposible to see the positive side of all this.

Thanks again everyone for all your support

My 5 year old daughter started crying today because she missed her daddy. She is the emotional one who seems to miss him the most. It has put me into a funk (although I know that the junk I ate today is not helping my mood) and I am really missing my husband. Its funny how things that you can deal with one minute become so much harder to deal with the next. I keep thinking of going on vacation with him and stuff and just really miss him.

Talk to you all later.

Ceil

Hi, I'm new here, and like everyone else, I never thought I'd be in this situation. My boyfriend of 9 years won't be sentenced until June 17th. I can deal with the waiting if I just knew how long it's going to be. I know on that day I won't be able to control myself when I hear the amount of time. They're going to have to take me out of the courtroom on a stretcher. My father died on June 17th long ago, so I'm hoping for something good to happen that day to make up for Dad. 48 more days until I know. But we started with 79, so that's progress. When know how long it's going to be I think I'll relax a little bit. Hi everyone...Joyce

Joyce,
Hi, this is definetly the place to turn to and the waiting and not knowing is the worst, but I do know the women here are awesome when you need to vent or someone to talk to.

Update on me and Phoenix, we know he is getting out this year, but the actual date has yet to be set and we are trying to get his probation switched from Richmond to norfolk and have found out he may go from prison to a halfway house till they can finalize everything. everyone cross their fingers for us that we can get the transfer to be processed before his release.

Thanx,
Snow

Thanks for the kind welcome, and fingers are crossed for everyone. What bothers me ::: rant alert ::: is how wasteful it is to have these guys put away, when the gentle ones who are there because of unjust drug laws could be working to fund the very prisons in which they live! I don't know if you ladies here have guys who are violent, but my guy is like a lamb, and I am so scared he's going to get eaten up, beaten up, kicked around, possibly killed in there. boo hoo!