MY SON IS SERVING HIS FOURTH YEAR AT STATE PENITENTIARY AT PARCHMAN, MISS. HE HAS A THIRTY YEAR SENTENCE. HE IS CURRENTLY FILING A POST CONVICTION FOR A NEW TRIAL. WE HAVE HOPES IN THIS BECAUSE HIS TRIAL WAS SO BIAS AND RIDICULOUS. WOULD LIKE TALKING TO OTHER MOTHERS WHO ARE CONFUSED AN SAD LIKE I AM.

My brother too is in prision on a twenty five year sentence with ten to serve. He has served almost five years this October 2001--What steps did you have to take Genell to prusue a new trial. I need information on what we as a family to help our loved ones. My brother is doing time for someone else and now I know he is regreting every minute of it. The sentence they gave him even for a first time offender was ridulous. Anyone have any suggetions????????

HELP???? My brother is loosing his mind.....

GENELL,MY SON TOO IS INCARCERATED. HE IS IN FOR BURGLARY 2 AND HAS A FIVE AND A HALF TO ELEVEN YEAR SENTENCE. HE WENT FOR HIS FIRST PAROLE BOARD HEARING LAST OCTOBER AND WAS DENIED FOR TWO MORE YEARS. HE HAS ALREADY BEEN IN FOR SIX YEARS NOW. HE TELLS ME THAT IT'S LIKE A LOTTERY,IF THEY NEED THE BEDS YOU GET OUT IF THEY DON'T YOU STAY IN. WE ARE IN THE PROCESS OF APPEALING HIS PAROLE DECISION WITH NOT TOO MANY HOPES. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND I SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU GREATLY. IT IS SO HARD AND I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I CAN ONLY VISIT HIM ONCE ABOUT EVERY THREE MONTHS BECAUSE HE IS FIVE HOURS AWAY AND THAT PAINS ME GREATLY. PLEASE KNOW THAT THERE ARE OTHER MOTHERS IN YOUR SHOES AND WE ALL HURT JUST THE SAME. I WILL SAY A PRAYER FOR YOUR SON AS I DO EVERY NIGHT FOR MINE. TAKE CARE

My son is in prison in Maine..
He has been there for a month, and it seems like
a lifetime...
He is in ad segregation, and worried he won't
be classified and moved somewhere closer to home.
I keep trying to hope that he is wrong, but I am
not sure how any of this works...
does anyone??

Cougarly

I have just come upon this site after many months of searching for some type of support system. I, unfortunately, live in Florida, one of the toughtest criminal law states and probably THE state that cares the least about it's prisoners, let alone families of prisoners. My son has not reached the prison system yet, he has been in County jail for over 9 months and against my wishes signed a plea deal which gave him a 15 year prison sentence. This was a first time offense for him and he did not even commit the crime himself, but was with someone making a drug deal who ended up pulling a gun and shooting the drug dealer to death. Even though my son did not have the gun or have anything to do with what happened, except to be there they have given him the maximum sentence they can give him for armed robbery (because that's what the victims family wanted). This is not justice, it's revenge pure and simple! I feel as if my whole world is crashing down around me, but I can never act like it because I have to constantly try to keep my son's hopes alive and try to keep our lives normal for my ten year old daughter. I wake up every morning hoping all of this has been a bad dream but unfortantely it's not and I have to find someway to keep my sanity without losing it in front of my family. I hope that talking with each of you who are going through the same thing will help me. Thank you for listening!

My son has been in detention center for two months after being arrested for serious drug charges. He is 35 and an ADD personality and it is driving him crazy not to be able to do things to keep busy. It is hard for him to read books. I fear what he will do or say in desperation to get out or relocated to a less hostile environment. Is there anything available about the psychology of the inmates newly incarcerated. He has never had to serve time before and leaves two small children at home.
Does the sick feeling in my stomach ever go away and do you ever begin to enjoy things again.
Is there any one in OKlahoma? A support group or anything?

My son, Adam has been in jail a little over a year for a drug related offense. He was sentenced to federal prison for 10 years. I feel like I am in prison too, serving his sentence along with him. He is only 21 years old and it kills me to think of him locked up and missing the good things that life has to offer. I know there must be many parents and families who are experiencing the same feelings. I don't have any friends who really seem to care and I need to talk to others going through this. Thanks for being here.

Debbie..I understand exactly how you feel. That is the reason for my looking for a site like this, to find others who can UNDERSTAND and share what I am going through. I have many good friends who just don't seem to understand why I will not accept a 15 year sentence for my son and why I continue to fight even though I seem to be getting nowhere! My son turned 18 while in County jail, so I understand your hopelessness and sorrow that your son is going to miss so much of his life. My son is a good "kid" who just made a very bad choice...a choice that could cost him a LOT. I will be there every step of the way, however, no matter what anyone else thinks or says. I am getting through this by taking one day at a time right now and you will make it through, too. Just stay strong for your son because that's what he needs the most...my prayers are with you!

My son has been recently incarcerated with the dark days yet to come. It is a very serious crime and if the charges stick, he will be in prison perhaps 25 years or more. He is 25 years old now and I have never felt so much pain in all my life. I love him so much. He is a good man and has never been in any trouble before this. He is bright, intelligent and a wonderful writer of poetry. He writes what he feels. I found this site this week and I hope it will help me get through the many months ahead. Just reading some of these stories makes me feel that I am not alone, that this can happen to anyone, anytime. Thank you. Deb

Thank God for this site! I have been looking for just this thing for months now. I actually have two sons locked up right now. My oldest son is doing 18 to life. He will turn 18 next week. He was bound over and tried as an adult and sits now it a Ohio jail. His crime took place last year and he didn't get sentenced until April this year. My second son is doing 3 to 6 in a juvenile facility. His crime was within 3 weeks of his brothers. I still cry, wake up and wish it was a dream. As I read all your posts, I see that my feelings are no different than yours. I have a not in my stomach that hasn't gone away yet. I'm glad to know I'm not the only mother who has a son in this kind of trouble.

P

I TOO HAVE A SON IN PRISON. I HAVEN"T SEEN HOM IN 5 YEARS. THATS BECAUSE HE IS IN WEST TENNESSEE AND I CAN"T AFFORD TO GO SEE HIM. AND BECAUSE I DON"T HAVE A RELIABLE VEHICLE. I HAVE TALKED TO HIM RECENTLY AND THAT HAS EASED THE PAIN SOME. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO ALREADY BE OUT AND THEY ADDED 2 YEARS ONTO HIS SENTENCE FOR NOTHING. I MISS HIM SO MUCH AND A PART OF MY HEART IS GONE. I OFTEN THINK THAT WITH MY DISABILITIES THAT I WILL DIE BEFORE HE IS RETURNED HOME TO ME. I FEEL FOR EACH OF YOUR PAIN. YOU HAVE A FRIEND IN ME. AND MY PRAYERS. THE GOOD LORD IS THE ONLY THING SUSTAINING ME DAY TO DAY. IF ANYONE OF YOU HAS A SONE OR LOVED ONE IN NORTHWESTERN IN TIPTONVILLE ,TENNESSEE FEEL FREE TO CORRESPOND OR ANY OF YOU. I GET LONELY. MY HUSBAND HELPS BU THE IS ONLY HIS STEPFATHER. I KNOW HE LOVES KEN TO BUT ITS DIFFERENT WHEN YOU ARE A MOTHER. LOVE YOU ALL AND I HOPE YOU CAN FIND SOME PEACE IN YOUR HEARTS.UNTIL LATER I AM
SINCERELY YOURS
DEBORAH SHELTON

I think that as a mother we ache for our children in times good and bad. My 21 year old son has been held in the Regional Justice Center for 223 days and since I cannot afford an attorney his Public Pretender wants him to plea bargain but he said NO "Mom, you taught me stand up when Im right> I didnt committ these crimes! Just because an ex-girlfriend wanted revenge well she surely got it. If this goes to trial and he loses he is looking at up to 12 years...Ladies my heart and prayers go out to you all...Be strong I know its difficult but we are "Mothers" our love is unconditional...Take care all.

My son has been incarcerated for 17 months. He was in the military but the crime he committed had nothing to do with the military. They court-martialed him and sentenced him to 10 years. He had been in the military for 17 years, never been in any trouble, not even a speeding ticket. He is guilty of the crime but if it had been a civilian court he would not have gotten near as much time or maybe no time at all since it was his first offense. I do not condone what he did but also do not agree with the punishment. My heart is broken, this has hurt so bad and no one else seems to understand the hurt. I know all of you other mothers will know what I am feeling. If there is anyone out their that has a son or daughter in the military that is incarcerated please let me hear from you, With love and prayers for all of you, Lou

hey, I saw a posting from Florida! I agree the laws here are tough my son is sentenced to 2 years in 4 years probation he's 17 in a "youthful offenders" jail (14-24).The judge recommeded a 6 month boot camp at sentencing. The only problem is the are over 200 kids on a list in front of him and they take about 20 kids every 4-5 months so by the time his name get to the top of the list he'll have served his sentence (if everything goes okay).This has been a nightmare I know how you feel out there. I thank God for letting me find this sight before I went nuts!Thanks for listening- anyone else with a juvenille tried as a adult in Florida out there? I'm sure there are I hope you find this sight too!

I am an investigative reporter looking into the rates charged at county and state jail/prison facilities around the country for phone calls (usually collect) from inmates.

I would like to hear--especially from people incarcerated in, or families from, MICHIGAN:

--How these charges have impacted families of inmates, especially children;

--Examples of incredibly high charges at specific places;

--Why taxpayers should care that states/localities are making millions in telephone "commissions" off prisoners...after all, isn't this a good way to help offset the cost of maintaining jails/prisons, especially where the profits go back into "prisoner services/benefits"?

Please e-mail me at:

ResearchNews@aol.com

Thanks for your help.

I want to THANK the person who started this site. What a great job!!!! I have a son in prison up here in Ontario Canada. The system up her stinks...why...because they remand and remand and remand. Plus you either say your guilty or not guilty without being able to speak. Only through your lawyer and then half the time they don't repeat what you say except what they want to say because everybody is in a hurry. Then you suffer the consequences with no explaination on your behalf. Total embarrassment. He may get life for something he didn't do. That may sound selfesh to say, but it's true. He has been in prison many times before, but never have I seen him like this. H e could adjust before, but, the way he acts, it feels like he will end his life at times. I am so worry that I may never get to have him home again. I'LL NEVER WAKE UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE. YOU GIVE BIRTH AND NOT KNOWING WHAT'S AHEAD.The feeling a mother gets is pure helplessness. Never before did I feel like this. Mother instincts don't help me worth a darn. We are very close and I've got to keep myself up because I have other children and grandchildren. My health has gone way down hill from worry. I pray everyday for strengh. I use to be a guard myself and so I know what it's like behind bars. God bless all mothers who's child is in prison and may god bless each and every one of you. As bad as they feel will in there. they do watch thier back and learn to survive. They have their own community just the same as the street. One rule they have is when someone has passed away from what ever has happened they don't eat for that day, just to support it. There is many tricks inmates will do on each other because of their own frustrations, but each inmate knows what to look for from the troubled inmate and respects that so there's no trouble. I know quite a bit of ways inmates are to protect themselves, but I'm running out of space. Mothers, just keep in mind that your son needs you just to be on the other end of the phone and he or she will learn the prison way of life. Some inmates purposely put themselves in prison because they feel safer in there. They can't deal what life gives them on the outside world. For some is just plain Bad Luck.Well. I know I SHOULD BE FOLLOWING MY OWN ADVICE but, it's just because I can't do the mothering thing. Even though he has alot on his mind I still get poems, mother's day cards,a birthday card last week and thank you cards. I cherish them all. If you know any one who wants to write my son, he has an ad on this web site. His name is Pete, from Kingston. GOD BE WITH YOU EVERY ONE...Susan

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO THOSE OF US THAT ARE WAITING FOR OUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS TO RETURN HOME.
An ocean-a mile-a yard-a foot; even an inch is too much space, when it keeps me from your tender touch and the pleasures of your warm embrace.

Sorry I didn't send this yesterday....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL OF YOU...KEEP THE FAITH

Does anybody out there has her man or son incarcereted in LOMPOC,CA ????
Thank you.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT VISITS AT THE FCI IN PHOENIX,AZ ????ARE THEY CONTACT VISITS ? PLEASE IF ANYBODY HAS THE ANSWER LET ME KNOW.
Thank you

I also have a son in prison.He is 19 years old and has been in prison for 3 years now with an eight year sentence still to serve. This is the hardest thing a mother can experience in my opinion. I was a correctional officer when my son went to prison and have since qiut my job because it was too hard knowing what my son was going through everyday. My son is currently at Centinela State Prison in Imperial California but soon will be moved to the SHU at Pelican Bay. I would really like to hear from someone out there who also has a family member in the same prison or even just a mom who would like someone in the same situation to talk to.

I HAVE A 17 YEAR OLD SON CONVICTED OF 2ND DEGREE MURDER AS A YOUTHFUL OFFENDER IN OKLAHOMA. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY KNOWLEDGE OF THE WAY THIS WORKS? I GUESS HE WILL STAY AT A JUVENILLE FACILITY FOR SERIOUS OFFENDERS. IF HE COOPERATES & COMPLETES THE PROGRAM HE COULD GET OUT IN 2 YEARS.
HE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD WHEN HE WAS 10. HIS DAD & I TOOK HIM TO ABOUT 4 DIFFERENT PSYCHIATRIST THROUGH OUT THE YEARS & HE HAS BEEN ON MANY MEDICATIONS. NOTHING HELPED HIM. I DON'T KNOW THAT THERE IS ANYTHING THAT CAN HELP HIM. I DON'T KNOW IF HE CAN GET CONTROL OF HIS IMPULSES. I LOVE HIM ALOT & MY HEART IS BROKEN. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ENCOURAGING WORDS?

I have a son who is 21 years old who is serving a 6 year sentence in North Carolina, he has already served 3 years, I guess with the Holidays coming I'm just hoping to conect with someone local who understands.

Wow... I'm so glad I found this site. My son is 20 and has not been to prison yet, but he is facing 25 years to life because he violated his probation and when they found him he had a bottle of prescription pills on him, that did not belong to him, which is another felony. When he was first charged, they gave him a ten year suspended sentence with two felonies and five years probation. He had no prior record. My heart is so broken. I LOVE my son so much and it's going to be so hard not having him home and part of our life everyday. It's just so hard on us parents. God be with us all.

Hi! My name is Rebecca and I'm 15. I was just locked up for over 2 years, and when your locked up at times you will feel depressed, sucidal, or just mad, but you will also feel happy too. The best thing you can do for your family members is write them, visit them, or just be sure they know that you're there for them. They may show hard feelings towards you, but they really need someone to love them. When mail day comes and they see know one is writing them,it makes them feel like know body cares about them, everyone has forgot about them, or they may feel like they have knowbody so there is no reason to live,
Trust me I've been there before and I've been through all of those situations, and I've seen other people go through worse situations.

My son has been in county jail now for six months. We are working with our attorney to get the charges reduced if not he will be doing 20 years for a crime he did not committ. This is very painful for his wife and myself. We don't know what to do to help him stay sane through all of this. I live in another state and can not go see him very often and when I do I can only see him for 30 minutes on the other side of a partician that I can bearly hear what he is saying.
The phone calls are costing 12.00 for 10 minutes.
I've had to get a second job to pay for the attorney and be able to send him money for the little things like stamps, envelopes a radio to drown out the noise in there. I would love to be able to send him care packages but he can not receive anything from the outside. write me if you have learned to cope with this agony. I just do not know how.

Don't know how I got to this site, God must have led me here. Our son is 33 and has had a drug problem since he was 15, he has been in juvenile hall, then to jail, then to prison (CRC), Calif. Rehabilitation Center Norco, Calif. He hasn't committed a crime other than stealing a pair of skis from an open garage back in '94. That was his original crime that put him in CRC. He has always been a model inmate. He would do about a year, then parole, he would make it for a few months, then relapse and get sent back for another year. This last year he was on parole and going through rehab. a part of his parole requirements. He paroled in May of 2002 and walked away from rehab. in Sept. 2002. Because of this, he couldn't stay with us, parole would find him here. He then found himself out on the streets homeless. After making a drug deal, and feeling he was cheated, he and another young man, whom he had only known for a couple of weeks, were going to go to the dealer's house and ask for their property back,or get what their property was worth. Being homeless and out on the streets, they carried protection (knives). When they got to the dealer's house, the dealer had been partying all day with his brother (this we know because he stated it on the witness stand). They had drank all afternoon, used meth, smoked pot, and took Vicadin. When my son confronted the dealer, he started fighting with my son, and was poked with the knife, but the young man outside was confronted by the brother, and was stabbed several times causing his death. It's sad, but this is the drug world as most of you know. My son was convicted of first degree murder, robbery, and torture. The other young man was charged with first degree also. Him being the actual killer. They were not trying to rob them, and they were acting in self defense. Our son has never harmed anyone unless he is protecting himself. He hasn't been sentenced, but will be on December 9, 2003. The public pretenders are filing an appeal, but we don't know how long it will take. We couldn't afford an attorney for our son. It is the most horrible thing I have ever had to accept in my life. I love my son so much, as you other mothers do. When I think about not having in our home ever again, or being with him for any special events, it's almost more than I can bear. If I didn't have the faith in God that I do, I don't know how I could take it. It is so wonderful to find this site, and to hear that there are other mothers out there who know how I feel.There is no support in our city, but we have been learning about more and more people who need this support as we do. This case was highly publicized, we have lived here for all of our son's life, so he is well known. People who know him are heartbroken, for they know he would never harm anyone. They are there for us, but really don't understand what we are going through. It is a nightmare, I just want to wake up and have it go away. Have any of you experienced how long an appeal takes? Gloria in Calif.

www.prison-online.com

We are a new site for prison support...
We also offer free legal forms, free webpage hosting and more.

We would love for you to drop by and join our community.

Thanks,
Don

This is for DebBoz and all the mothers of sons who are incarcerated. My son has been in County Jail for 8 months for a serious crime. Love is powerful and strong. He has not seen the son shine, the rain, feel the wind on his face or been outside since his arrest. I feel that this is so cruel to humans!!! We do not even treat dogs at the pound this way. Sunshine is important for your health, and I think that something is terribly wrong with the justice system. All I can offer any of you is prayer and to know that the good man above, The Lord Jesus Christ will help you thru each day if you ask him to. Ask for peace and comfort not only for you, but for your son or daughter. It is hard for them too. My son is a wonderful man, successful, loving to not only his family but others, never been in trouble, served his country in the US Marines for 4 years during a time of war and deserves a chance to prove himself to others. We must stand by our children and give them the support and love that they need cause it is not easy for them either. Love them and pray for them everyday.
RLE

I knew you where out there somewhere. Thankyou. I'll have to come back tomorrow to share because I can't see through my tears to type. God let us all have a good night.

Is there anyone out there? Please email me at cellermom@yahoo.com. I just moved to Arizona from Orange county, California. My son who is about to turn 22 has been in county jail since Dec. 30, 2002 waiting for trial. I may never see him again. My husband wants me to shut up about it all but this is killing me. Our family of seven is being torn up by all this. I'm all alone please write. Kim C.

Hi
My boyfriend got life in prison and I know how all the Mothers feel. My son stayed in trouble until he decide to join the Army Reserve. Mother stay on your knees and keep praying.We Walk by faith and not by sight." I don't care what it look like God Is still in control. I know about the hurt and pain. My boyfriend accidentally killed his wife. He felt if he would have taken a pleas bargin he was saying he tried to kill her. so he got life and he is 54 years old. I will keep praying and trusting in the lord.Don't stop writing your children they need to have something to keep there mind. Let them know how much you love them.Let them know as each day that passes in some case are days to there freedom. Mothers you pray that God will keep you here on earth to see your child walk out of those prisons gate

HI Everyone! My heart hurts for all of you. I to have a son in prison for 7 to 22 years for OUIL drunk driving causing death. In July he will be in for two years :(
I can't begin to tell you what this has done to him our family and the family of the young lady who died in the accident.
I can't discribe how my heart hurts that he is in the hole in michigan. Because there was a death involved people seem to have no compassion for our family at all. It is horrible. The only thing that keeps me sane in this situation is my faith in God! And my son's faith in God.
People in the world who have never dealt with this kind of a situation has no idea how it effects a family and how cruel the prison system is on families.
One thing that is horrible for us is They say they will try to keep an imate close to their loved ones because it's so important for them to have their family close for visits and support. But in fact they put our son almost as far away in the state as they could. IT takes almost 5 hours to get to him from my daughters home. There is so much to consider to be able to see him. When can we go? do we have the money for gas? who can go with me so I don't fall asleep at the wheel? How is my son feeling today? Will it be a good visit or an even sadder visit for both of us? So many things.
Another Is the phone situation they put us through to talk with our children! (I would like to get something done about this because it's just plain wrong!!! Do any of you deal with Correctional Billing Services? That is all we have to go through and we have to pay $22.00 per 15 minute call and if we reach 100.00 they restrict our phone so our son can't call until it's paid. So how do you deal with all of this to help your child deal with what he's dealing with. When you tell him you call if you need anything! And the phone is restitcted because correctional billing services desides how many calls we can get. Even though we've never been late with a payment and it is paid through our phone company.
I am very interested in if any of you have to deal with this as well?
The reports I've seen from Michigan is where my son is that a very large number of imates are still in prison because of the parole boards.
Where is the justice for us as their family? Please help any advice is welcome., As you can tell I'm so frustrated I can't see striaght and I thank all of you for taking the time to read this.
I believe we need to take a stand and do something about this in our states. What do you all think?

My son is 26 and he is in prison til 2008. I had no resources to help him. I'm prone to depression and have had a difficult time coping my entire life. I'm 42 and my son needed me and I didn't have my act together to help him. His father and half-brother died in December. Also, his best friend's girlfriend.

Saskia, I feel so bad for you! I'm 46 and my son was just sentenced to 10 years-I hope he is out in 5 years. I am so new to this system and have tons of questions-don't know where to turn, and you and your son have so many other things to deal with as well! I will pray for you. SLR

HELLO,MY HEART GOES TO ALL OF YOU WHO ARE DEALIN WITH THE PRISON SYTEM .MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN CALIFORNA PRISON FOR OVER A YEAR. I KNOW THATS NOTHING COMPAIRED TO SOM OF THE SENTENCES IV READ ON HERE BUT FOR ME AND MY TWO BOYS ITS BEEN ALONG TIME.HE IS DO TO BE RELEASED IN ABOUT TWO WEEKS AND IM NOT GOING TO BE ALLOWED TO SEE HIM UNTIL HE GETS OFF OF PAROL BECAUSEOF THE CHARGES.ITS GOING TO BE HARD TO DO CONSIDERING WE LIVE IN A TOWN THAT IS ABOUT 5 MILES LONG I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW THEY CAN DO THIS. THEY ARE LOOKING A CHARE FROM OVER 6 YEARS AGO AND HE NEVER FINISHED HIS PROBATION ON AND WENT TO PRISON.I HAVE GOOD FAITH IN THE LORD AND I KNOW HE WILL PROVIDE A WAY FOR US TO BE TOGATHER AGAIN.

Hello to all. Just wanted to check in and let everyone know I'm still alive! I keep thinking all this is gonna kill me but it hasn't yet. Nothing has gotten any better though. My son is still waiting for his trial, he was supposed to go June 7 but it was continued again. He has been in county jail since Dec. 30, 2002. A year and a half now. His new date is Sept. 20 but it will be put off again until Jan. 2005 probably.
I'm just plain mad and angry anymore. This whole thing is destroying me. There is a rage that is growing in me that I can't even begin to describe. Everyday is a little different but today I hate.
Kim Celler

Hello to all the Moms! I came across this web-site by accident but thank god for it. I am sure that many of you like me suffer the pain daily of a loved one being locked up for a crime they did not commit. My son received life without parole for a crime he didn't do. The local county needed someone to pay for the crime-election was coming up so they had a jailhouse snitch testify against my son and it worked. Michael was only 19 when he was arrested and spent 3 years in the county jail before he was moved to a prison 7 hours away from me. He is 23 now and it angers me greatly that he is losing some of the best times of his life. I go from depression to anger daily. I can't seem to get over this injustice thats been done, I really want someone to pay and to hurt the way that Michael has. I work for a lawyer and if anyone out there needs some information I will do the best I can to answer your questions. I have been and continue to be where alot of you are right now, and I spent many long hours trying to find answers. Best of Luck to all.
Pam Hash

Hello everyone-
I went to visit my son this last weekend. I got to visit on Friday and Saturday. I haven't seen him in a year. It was good. First thing I wanted him to do was stand up and turn around I wanted to see every inch of him like a new mother checking out her newborn. I also met with the investigator working with his attorney, he says they won't be going to trial in Sept. that they will probably get another continuance and try again in January. It will be 2 years in County jail then. But I have to except it. My son is trying to convince me that prison won't be that bad, bless his heart. I did see a change in him though he was kinda fidgeting, nervous, always looking around at the other inmates - short little glances. He wasn't really listening to me. He seemed a bit preoccupied.
He is changing isn't he? I don't want to see this. I'm almost sorry I went to see him.
But I will go again when I get a chance.
Peace,
Kim

Hello Larry,
Did you read these messages? This is pretty much all we have anymore. It's pathetic isn't it?
God Bless you Larry, keep working for my son and find a way for him not to be convicted. I thank you for the work that you are doing.
Peace,
Kim Celler

Hello Kim, my name is Jeri, I alos have a son in Orange County Jail, has been in since Feb. let out for 3 weeks rearrested and sill awaiting trial. I am lucky to only live in the L.A area so I can visit but they are so hard. I also have a son in Prison and have not seen him for a year. They are my only children and this has taken its toll on me. As so many others say I feel as i have no one to talk to about this and some days I just sit and cry. I came upon this site quite by mistake and have read that I am not the only one. Not sure what to say but my heart goes out to all the mothers that have children in the system. I pray many times daily that they will be safe and return unchanged but like you I think it is doubtful.

Hello, I am new to all this kinda. My son is 21 and was arrested for a felony. He once was such a sweet child that it is so hard to think what like now has in store for him. There really isn't anyone to talk to beccause most people look down on the situation. Where I live there seems to be tons on young offenders. Our community is not that large but the county I live in IL. has the largest meth problem around. It is destroying our youth and community and all lthat is being done is the young are going to prison instead of trying to get them help. It just breaks my heart because I am helpless in this situation of protecting him. I am so glad to see a sit like this becuase it seems almost like you are alone in this world.

Hello Jeri,
I feel compelled to write you, I'm not sure what to say, but I got goosebumps when I read your message. Maybe your son knows my son. Wouldn't that be something?!! I feel a connection to you, you have walked the hallways that I have walked so many times when I visited my son. He has been there a long time now, a year and a half. Feel free to write me at cellermom@yahoo.com

Peace,
Kim

my son is in the rader facility,in oklahoma.he has spent almost a year in this system ,had his 18th birthday in this system ,because he made a mistake ,he took a bicycle without permission,he did return the one he took.but his cousin wouldnt return the one he had taken ,his cousin being over the age of 18,and not getting caught ,he has to suffer for the both crimes ,and it looks like it will be sometime next year before they release him.also he has not had any offenses since his lockup.go figure

Jeri are you still there?
This is Kim C. Write me OK?
Peace,
Kim

Kim, Yes I am still here God I wish somedays I wern't, times have been hard for me I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I am missing both of my children more than I ever thought possible. I needed a break and did not want to talk about my boys. I hope things are going well for your son. My sons trial has also been postponed, he keeps asking "Mom what do I do?" I just don't know any more I feel so tired and worn out. My other son in in Prison and what I hear from him scares me so. I want to go visit but not sure if i can. I have not been to OCJ either every time i go the line is around the corner and I just don't want wait, the visits go by so fast and I feel so helpless. I talk every week with them both and hope when they get out I still know who they are. Write back I would like to know how thing are going for you. May god bless you and keep strong. Jeri

Jeri,
I know what you mean about needing a break sometimes it's hard to bring it all up especially starting from the beginning of the story with someone new. When do you go to OCJ? I always went Fridays around 10:30. It never was bad. Maybe you went when there was a lock down or something. My son did tell me that a friend went to visit a couple weeks ago and they waited 2 hours. It always affects me so bad when I know my son is upset or something bad has happened to him in there, I just loose it. But for quite awhile now he has been OK (as far as I know). He may be trying to spare me from the bad stuff. Well he is supposed to go to trial Sept. 20 but I know they won't. Probably put it off until Jan. and then may even put it off until April.
Oh well it's like it's not even happening anymore. It's almost as if I never had a son named Skylar or it happened in another life.
If you can't tell I'm on my pity pot myself.
I'm just tired of life right now, I'm tired of worrying and crying and feeling helpless.
Jeri did I tell you that my son will be on trial for murder? Aint that a hoot?
Hey Jeri take a long bath and read a good book.
Peace to you Jeri,
Kim

To all the mothers that are feeling unhappy for the fact that there sons will never see the light of day well let me tell you that you shouldnty give up that you should have faith and pray to god and you will see that eveeything will come out good try to fight the system like miklo. Tell your children to study there cases so they could no what there up aganist that nk you annoymous

Hi Kim:

I wish you the very best and hope your son comes home after the trial. My nephew has been in prison in California since April this year. I fought very hard to help, on the one hand I live in Canada on the other we just got the worse lawyer anyone could hire.

It hurts me that he put his life on the line in Afghanistan, he came home, got out of the marines and on the wrong side of the law, his first time and they threw the book at him.

I am so hurt that some days I dont know if I am dead or alive. I never knew I could bear such pain.

Again all the best and I will pray for your son.

Valerie

Hi Valerie,
Thank you very much for your thoughts and prayers. It is a helpless feeling isn't it? It appears to be only a game to lawyers, but for us it is our lives, heart and soul. It goes deep and affects everyone involved so much that really it is indescribable. Even though the paths that we walk have changed you will carry on as I will and so will our boys. I don't know how but I know we will.
Peace to you Valerie,
Kim Celler

Kim, My son also go to trial on Sept. 20th unless they postpone it, that seems to be the norm these days. I went to see him on Friday, the wait was not that long, 2hrs. The smile on his face was worth the wait, I miss him so much. To me he is still my little boy. It still hurt to see him locked up even though that seem to be the only way i have seen him in a while. I am going to try to see my older son with-in the next two months even though the thoughts of prison scare me. I feel that he need me. So I guess i will put my fears aside and drive up by San Jose for the weekend. I have not seen him for 1 year and he still has 9 months left to go provded all go well there, who knows by what he says. I hope your sons trial does start on the 20th of the month also and then maby we can both move on with our lives and not just be hanging in limbo. God bless you and you family. Jeri

Hi Jeri,
I am glad you saw your son and 9 months will go by, slowly, but it will go by. What kind of time is your younger son looking at if convicted?
I just talked to the investigator who is working with my sons public defender and he says they are definately asking for a continuance, probably until November. He seems to think that they won't ask for anymore continuances and they will be ready to go in Nov. I get butterflys in my stomach now thinking about it. I read murder mysterys and watch movies, I don't do the real thing. Not my son, my first born that I love with all my heart---- If he is convicted he could face 25 to life with an extra 10 years added for a gun enhancement. He is 22, I am 47 you do the math. I won't be around.
I want to be brave and strong in that court room ... but... I think I'm gonna throw up.
I will not be able to look at the fear on my sons face.
Peace to all,
Kim C

I have a son (now 22) at the Washington State Penitentiary. Is there anyone else out there with someone there?

Kim C:
I know how you feel, I had to sit through my husband's trial and I was hell. But, you must do it. In fact, I would suggest that you enlist all of the support you can for you son to sit in the courtroom with you to show support for your son. The jury needs to see that he is someone who is loved and supported, you want them to think twice about convicting him and the best way to do that is to force the jury to see him as someone's son, brother, friend etc. I wish I had doen that for my husband. Good luck and hang in there!
Susanne

Susanne,
Thank you for writing. You must have read my past posts. I wrote last that they were asking for a continuance for sometime in November, well it seems the judge was not in a good mood and gave them 1 week . He went to court last Monday, Sept. 20. One week is tomorrow. I cry as I write this because tomorrow when they go to court they will ask for another continuance but the investigator called me Thursday and said he would call me from the courthouse tomorrow and tell me if there is a continuance or not. If not I will be on an airplane Monday as soon as possible.I won't get that call until around noontime, the public defenders office is making the arrangements for the flight and paying for it. So I sit here in Arizona right now wondering if I will be in California tomorrow night. I will be by myself out there for the most part. I have a couple friends but they aren't going to stop their lives for a couple weeks. I on the other hand have no choice but to abandone my 3 younger children and husband. I don't know how long this will take plus if he is found guilty then there is the sentancing trial. This is so messed up. I was hoping to know the date of the trial weeks if not months in advance so I could plan around it as best as I could, so I could get some money. Oh heck I'm such a baby, I'm sorry! Forget it, I'm just wigging out right now waiting for this stupid phone call. How 'bout if I just wait for that call that should come in about 16 hours and I'll try to write then.
Peace to us all,
Kim Celler

Jeri,
How is your son? what happened in court? My sons was postponed 1 week!!!!
I may be in Cali tomorrow night. If I'm there maybe we could meet at OJC Friday or Saturday. Email me at cellermom@yahoo.com.
I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE YOU A BIG HUG! :)
The trial should last a couple weeks.
Sleep well Jeri and write please.
Kim C

Kim:
I just read your last posting and I am so sorry for you. It is Monday morning and I am thinking of you, hoping you don't get the call and have some time to plan. Beleive me, I know the hell you are going through and there is nothing you can do but focus on staying strong for your son. And you are not being a baby! It is so difficult for others to understand this nightmare unless they have gone through it. I know you are dreading the trial, that is certainly how I felt. We had two continuances and I actually was happy to have them on the one hand becasue it meant putting off the possibility that my husband could be found guilty, but on the other hand, I wanted it over so that we could move on. The trial was the hardest thing I have ever done and I know it will be hard for you, but you should know that at least one person (me) in Minnesota is praying for you and your son!
susanne

Hello Susanne,
It is a few minutes to noon right now, I did get a call about an hour ago and they said my son will not be in court until 1:30. So I sit and wait. We have been waiting since Dec. 31, 2002. There have been at least 5 continuances. But we knew it would take close to 2 years before he went to trial. It's just that this time the judge gave only 1 week.
Thanks for writing though, it's given me something to do writing back.
I do have to say I did not sleep well last night, the nightmares were horrible. It brought back what I went through when this happened. I couldn't eat - lost a lot of weight, I would wake up screaming at night, I just couldn't function at all.
Well I am gonna go stare at the phone for awhile talk to you later.
Peace,
Kim Celler

Kim:
Its tuesday, I pray for yoyr sake that you are not in CA. But if you are, know that I am praying for you and your son
Susanne

Dear Susanne,
No I'm not in Cali. They put it off until this Wed. 29. Hopefully it will go in Nov. I must say I am a wreck, actually I am hardly a human anymore. I don't like my attitude anymore.
I know this too shall pass but I don't really want it to cause I don't want to care about much anymore.
God Help Me,
Kim

This is a Message for All Mothers and wives of Prisoners of Love Community , My name is Ms Linda AKA Prophetess L. Sconiers and I have a sure word of Prophesy for you from the Lord !

Many of your son's and Daughters shall be delivered from prison before time said the Lord God almighty don't worry about the circumstance what it looks like even if he or she has been sentence already, know that I am the Lord thy God, I am coming to rip the case apart to deliver them for My glory, no prison can hold them down, I am coming to do this by the workings of miracles, I am coming now to expose every liar and to bring up every hidden evidence to prove there innocense and for those who are guilty My grace is sufficent remember I sent My son to die for the guilty, the charge has been dropped in heaven and I come now to drop it on Earth said your God, the God of Abraham , Isaac & Jacob .

God Bless everyone who reads this sure word of Prophesy .

My website : www.jesusivlife.org
Email : jesusivlife@pacbell.net
Ministry office # (323) 294-7322

Jesus IV Life, Inc
PO Box 56475
Los Angeles, CA 90056

Kim C.
I am glad that you did not have to rush off to CA. The limbo you are in is hell, I know, I've been there. I can't even tell you how to get through it, except that you have to do one day at a time, like everyone else here says. Do what you can to take care of yourself, pray if that sustains you, hug your kids, if that helps, or just come here and vent. I am sure that most of us who post here can say that they we have had days and times when we did not feel human, when we wanted it all to stop. Unfortunatly, it doesn't and we have to go forward. I know you can do it Kim, I did with my husband and though it was the hardest thing I have ever done, I somehow (and I really don't know how) made it. You and your son will be in my prayers.
Susanne

Just wanted to let whoever reads here that my sons trial date is to be Nov.16. I'm OK I guess. It's so hard doing this I thank all of you for your thoughts, messages and prayers. I really mean it, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have this place to come to and scream and rant and rave. Thank you all so very much.
Peace,
Kim C

Jeri,
I am praying for you and your sons.
Please Jeri write soon.
Sleep well my friend.
Love and Peace,
Kim C

Kim C;
Haven't heard from you in awhile, are you doing ok?
susanne

S, I'm OK. Just trying to take it easy and relax. I can do that as long as I feel like I have some control and knowing the date for the trial I feel like I have control. How are you? I do read the latest posts every few days, I get a lot of inspiration from everybody in other discussions. These people here are so strong, I'm glad they share because they are sharing their strength not just words.
Peace to All,
Kim

Kim:
I'm doing ok. Am going to g see my husband this weekend, I haven't seen him for a couple of months, so I am looking forward to that. Is it certain that the trial will go in November? the limbo is so hard, I hated the waiting and not knowing and of course dreaded having to sit in that courtroom. Stay strong!
susanne

I feel like I am losing my mind. I can not get my son out of my head. He is on his way to prison,convicted of molest and rape of family members.He has never been in trouble before, and says he did nothing.I feel ashamed, I saw the signs and ignored then thinking he would never do anything.I have to live with one of the family members he did this too,its so hard because she blames me everyday.I know in my heart he did do something but I dont know what.I want him to tell me. Am I nuts? Will he ever tell me?Does any one else have a similar situation.Lost Mom

Hey Anomymous:
First don't be ashamed, YOU didn't do anything wrong. Also, the truth is probably somewhere in between what you are hearing. I know from visiting other sites that the testimony at trial can often be blown WAY out of proportion. For right now, you may just have to accept that you may not know. If anything DID happen, your son is obviously not in a place where he can tell you. The local news in my hometown did this big interview thing with sex offenders last year and most of them admitted to feeling horribly ashamed of what they had done. So keep in mind that your son may just not be ready. Also, check out Prison Talk Online. They have a forum jsut for family members of sex offenders. I think the family member who is blaming you probably needs some therapy to get over this idea that yoou are to blame. AGAIN-- you did not do anything wrong.

To Susanne, thank you for responding. Since I wrote last alot has happened. The family member that blamed me is not mad at me any longer, we had a talk and its getting better. She is trying to see my side,(me being the mother of the convicted son and her being the victim)its hard but I guess we will take it day by day. It was easier being mad at her then dealing with what my son did to her. She was horrible to me but I understand her anger, she just has to realize no matter what my son did I still love him. This is so hard,her dad and I cant stand the attitude she has but I dont know its not from what my son did to her..........

call me "TOO LATE MOM." well, i found this site, i am alone and running out of money, taking samples of antidepressants and working overtime to stay afloat my mother has also spent a fortune. my son had a psychotic break and i thought an ngri not guilty reason insanity was the only way, well he decided to plead 6 mos ago and now he has changed his mind after i moved out of the house and put it up for sale just to get his 8 years back. he has been in county close to 3 years, he has "only" 4 yrs left. but, the way things work, he is talking crazy, like might as well spend the rest of his life in prison...he has two charges that add up to life, but he can not comprehend that. trial is going to devastate us. there are no men in the family. and no man to get involved. the lawyers do nothing but take everything they can and only give lies.

TOO LATE MOM-
I'm here. I understand about being alone, money gone and antidepressants all too well. I fear going to my sons trial, I dread it. My son has been in county for almost 2 years, if convicted he may get life. I am married but he is not involved (it seems to me men don't get involved much, it's much too emotional and messy for them). I definately know about lawyers, we had to switch to a public defender after money was depleted. I understand a lot of what you posted but I am not clear on your sons situation so please post again and explain. I'd really like to talk.
Peace,
Kim

I would like to hear from anyone who has a child in CRC (CALIF REHAB CENTER) AT NORCO or who has served time there. I am a writer looking into complaints of serious health problems the inmates are facing.
Please email me at nancyowho@hotmail.com
Thank you
nancy

Kim Celler, Hi, i am also afraid of my own shadow. So it is difficult for me to say more about personal things, especially here. What did the lawyers do for you with the fees they got, if you have a public pretender now. do you have any contact with the pd? will they talk to you. are you involved in your son's defense at all? Is your son's trial date set? When. etc.etc. I really want someone i can trust to trade notes with. i need a lawyer to represent me to my son's lawyers. ha ha

I just printed these 14 pgs. what does everyone here think of the idea of sending this to my son so i can try to change his mind about going to trial. with the threat (i guess we don't care about the expense- but it does hurt too)of life by the state and the judge does whatever the state wants or more. he "only has less than 2/3's to go" he's done 1/3 of his proposed bargain already. I know we are all scared of what could happen in there too. has anyone had any bad stories of what is happening inside "real" prison. He said, "he'll either get railroaded or the truth will come out" a paralegal said, Risk vs "Benefit?"

hey jenell and toni- please let us reap from your pain and experience back in 2001- that's when i should have been smart enough to get my adult son some psyc help.and not be a penny pincher. well look what my life has come to and what i am doing to my mother and his brother. thank god my dad is not here to see this. how do you find out about an appeal process. isn't this the time to start, before they get convicted. if you still come to this post please write. let us know how you are doing.

TOOLATEMOM,My son was arrested almost 2 years ago,New Years Eve 2002. I found out about his arrest when my friends came over with a newspaper article about him being arrested for the murder of his roommate. I was hysterical, didn't know what to do. He was only 20. It took a few days to be able to visit him. they had put him in suicide watch, a cell by himself, naked, no blankets, only a hand towel to cover his nakedness. He wasn't eating. I think they were trying to break him, he was in there for over 2 weeks. My husband and I did not know what had happened we couldn't get any info. Finally my husband (son's stepfather) got an attorney, $10,000.00 up front. We kept paying more and more money. That only got us to the Preliminary trial, thats where the courts decide if there is enough to keep him and go to trial. That was a joke. I found out that lawyers want a win no matter what and that means that he didn't want the prosecution to get what they wanted. Prosecution wants 1st degree murder so the Defense will take 2nd degree murder as a win. That was unacceptable! We also later found out that this whole trial was going to cost us maybe in the hundreds of thousands. One of the hardest things I had to do was tell my son we could no longer afford the lawyer and he would have to go with a P.D.
No we don't talk to the attorney but we are in contact with the investigator. But I don't think he knows whats going on. No one does!
I have lost count of the continuances for his trial, in the last 2 years I have been ready to go about 5 times. They would continue it about every 3 months. Now it's every month. Actually they just went to court on the 5th for discovery to find out if they are going to start trial on the 16th. The judge did not continue it so they are supposed to go on the 16th, but they won't!!! they will ask for Dec. 6th. I have to be ready at the very last minute to fly from Arizona to California by myself to go to my sons trial. I will be leaving my 4 other chidren and husband for I think about 2 weeks for the trial. If he is convicted than there is the sentancing in which I get to go up and beg for mercy on my sons behalf by myself again. He will be facing life in prison. I want you to know I keep wondering when this is actually going to kill me. When this first happened I lost so much weight, the nightmares waking up screaming in the middle of the night, the Valium, the constant crying, the fights with my husband, trying to explain to my young kids what was going on ...... well anyways I can manage now sort of between court dates but when a court date rolls around I start freaking out. Except this one on the 16th, a couple days from now, I don't feel anything. I think something broke in me and I'm not sure if that's good.
I don't like calling you TOOLATE. If you are too late we all are. I think I like MOM better!
Peace to all Moms,
Kim C

Jeri my friend how are you? I hope the trial went well for your son. Sept. 20th wasn't it?
I just want you to know that you are not forgotten.
Love and Peace,
Kim C

Kim,
Thanks so much for writing. Is there anyway to write to you privately ie email. I don't know how this site works. If I click on the email everyone will see it. I don't know if that matters. I don't know if anything matters. Do you have an email that you get private msgs.

"I don't like calling you TOOLATE. If you are too late we all are" I thought of that from a book Before ItsToo Late, that I borrowed from the first forensic psychologist I hired, who lied and distorted what I said so probably what he said, then I hired the expensive psyc to convince the state psyc on our side so my son could go to a state hospital "indefinitely" , well that didn't happen, like he said, "the CJS just doesn't work like that." And he tagged me as a meddler.

"One of the hardest things I had to do was tell my son we could no longer afford the lawyer and he would have to go with a P.D" I am at that point now. The lawyers and doctors want extra trial money. Well maybe we can dish that out of course they will want it up front. But I think that will be the end. Even a private PSI wants $5000. I don't need to destroy my mother any more. I have not talked to any of my family members in almost 3 years now, but my mother and my son(s)

"No we don't talk to the attorney but we are in contact with the investigator". When I hired the attorney that I have now he was recommended by a pi, but to my dismay, I feel that I have been, am being betrayed by both of them. They work together and said I had to hire the pi because the pi worked for the lawyer and the pi is with the atty everytime I see them. They investigate me and do what the state wants. So I no longer have anything to do with them. But, with what is impending, I guess I'll have to. I wanted my mother to do it all, but she is really soft and I am crumbling.

"I want you to know I keep wondering when this is actually going to kill me". I just told my mother that this is going to kill us both, and she agreed. I don't want to kill my mother. I keep wishing it would kill me and esp. when I feel heart pains, but then I want to wait until I buy life insurance so I can leave something.

"Except this one on the 16th, a couple days from now, I don't feel anything. I think something broke in me and I'm not sure if that's good." I started taking the anti d again when I was going to cry at work. And whenever, I laugh, or am the least bit happy, I know it is the pills, and when I start to feel, I tell myself to stop-that I must function, and I am always asking myself what I should do next.

Do you think it would be wrong to send my son a printout of the posts up to when I posted, so he can see what the mother's are going thru, and be reminded of the injustice and his chances. Right now he has a positive attitude about trial. I feel it is a false hope. He is now trapped in the system and has adjusted like the ones who want to be there because he said he doesn't care if he spends the rest of his life there. He wants to fight or die. That reminds me what the lawyer said, "do you want your son to die in prison" how can they say that?

Kim and Anymous:
I am so sorry for both of you. The system and the palyers in the system (the attonreys) are cold and cruel. My husband was convicted and we were both positive about the trial. He had a dealon the table with only 60 days in jail. Well, he got convicted and got 8 years. I would say, take the deal. The success rate of prosecutors is VERY HIGH, evne if the evidence is weak. I think jurors think that people would not be on trial unless there was a good chance that they are guilty. Also, I think printing out the web pages and post is a good idea. I know that the guys are hurting on the inside, but they have no clue what we go through

Dear Susanne & Kim
thanks for writing. My son is not changing his mind. yes it is a stacked game. admit to being guilty and we will give you xyz and/or never let you out of the system. well, i'm home from work after shopping at 3am and writing to you. i just had to check in before whatever. how could this happen to us. Don't feel, just eat, work, sleep, and pretend. But what to do next.
If gov. Ryan felt the dire need to release everyone from death row in Indiana. How many of them are absolutely innocent. How many more across the other states. Then how many lifers and lessers are absolutely innocent? From officer to sheriff to prosecutor, to judge- they just want everyone to know that they are doing a great job. and the rest don't care.
my new name is asonsmom.

to all
oh yea, i remember working a couple or years ago and was able to watch tv. the movie about the Cali witch hunts was on. the film was like a documentary of what dcf was/is doing: 2 boys coerced into convicting their parents of abuse. well, when the youngest reached 18, he got the parents out, the grandmother had already died. the credits said that there are still many more people locked up in prison still from those "witch hunts"

Head of Fla. Child Agency Resigns
... them by interviewing the DCF and the caretakers to make ... defense attorney in San Jose, California. " In one fell ... Snedeker, who track prosecutorial witch hunts against parents in their ...
www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/ 732594/posts -

also if anyone wants statistic or other info, go to sentencingproject.org and choose from a topic of interest. go to publications then to sentencing law and policy. Review articles on disparity or "Mentally Ill Offenders in the Criminal Justice System: An Analysis and Prescription, The Sentencing Project (2002)" and others or you can read them or print them there or order from the sentencing store.

when do i inform? who do i send it to? NOW! EVERYONE! or do i stay complacent and blinded.
anonomous l y

ASonsMom,
Hello, Yes of course you can write me. cellermom@yahoo.com
I think sending the printouts might give him a new perspective maybe. I too printed the posts up for a project in a class I was taking, it was a collage about me. The class was all women in transition. I tell you when they saw mine there was not a dry eye in the class. they came away from it with new and different thoughts and feelings about prisons and prisoners and the people like us who if not hated are forgotten.
Did you catch the Scott Petterson Verdict on TV?
The crowd booed Scotts mom. AND she was there alone, her husband wasn't there or the attorney.
Regardless of what Scott did I feel absolutely sick for his mother, in fact I did actually get sick when it sunk in what was happening to her.
I tell you this experiance has changed me so much. I wont get involved with anything that is emotional and messy again, I want to live my life in La La Land like everyone else. I will turn my back and walk away. My husband is doing it, my friends are doing it. I cannot believe I will be doing this by myself. You guys are my only support and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. OK maybe I am freaking out, it is close to the 16th isn't it?!!
ASonsMom please write.

Susanne you make me feel like I am being hugged :)

My prayers are with all of you,
Peace,
Kim C

HEY KIM
I don't watch TV by myself. I can't take it. Did they find Lacy's blood in the boat? Oh, it is the 16th and my heart goes out to you. I wish i was there holding your hand. we have a docket soon, and he will be there. he was telling me on a visit what he was going to say as if they were going to let him talk. o well, my turn is coming.
i made curtains today on my day off. gee it's about time to take a pill. you better take 2.
you should hire someone to go with you. an adult babysitter! no malice intended, just common sense, i don't think i can do it. what you have to do now.
ALL MY COMPASSION IS WITH YOU.asonsmom

asonsmom,
You are so funny! I do need a babysitter!
I got the call I was waiting for today, They have continued the trial until Dec. 6th.
The investigator called me---he had to call the courts to find out what happened because the attorney didn't even call him!!
Now I'll get a call tonight from my son, he hates going to all these court dates because they don't even bring him into court, they just leave him in the holding cell for 10 or 12 hours. He will be all upset and not knowing whats going on 'cause the attorney doesn't seem to think she needs to talk to him either! And it's time to get my life jacket out--I see the rapids ahead!!!

Sleep in peace tonight my friend,
Kim

111904 visit Here I am
he sang me a song he won't send me, because of copywrite, here I am. Here I am. Here I am. A song of me reading the bible to them about isaac and he said to the angel, here I am. He could see my face and hear my voice as when I read to them. Tears streamed down my face.

Kim, I see your son is still waiting trial, how well i know your thoughts and feelings. My son did have his trial and was sentenced to 3 years. It seems like a life time. I went to see him today the wait was bad and I was antsy. The jailers have been messing with him since sentencing and of course he got into some trouble yesterday so he is not soing so well. He is getting shipped out this comming week so I had to see my baby. All I have done today i cry, i think it is really getting to me.. I can't believe both of my sons are now in prison, I don't think I could hurt any more. I guess I have been feeling sorry for myself and granddaughters we miss them both so very much. I would just like to a hug from one of my sons. I hope you are holding up well, this is something no mother should have to go through. God bless you and you son, and I will try to the chat more often. Just have not been feeling like anything. Jeri

Hi Jeri!
I'm glad you checked in. I was thinking about you all the time, didn't know what happened in court for you guys. At least that part is over, and you know the end is in 3 years (whatever comfort that is). I'm hanging in there I guess I really don't have a choice now do I? I'm really trying to work on the peace and serenity thing.
The continuances for trial come every couple weeks now, the next date is I think the 6th of Dec. and then they will put off until Jan. 6 or 10. I am trying to prepare myself for Life in prison. I just don't want to see his face when they say it. Oh well and life goes on and all that crap, what can I say???
Check in once in awhile OK Jeri? My thoughts are always with you. Maybe it's best that you cry for awhile.
With Love to You,
Kim C

Everyone,

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Peace,
Kim C

Hello everyone,
It's the 6th of Dec. and my sons court date. I am actually doing very well! He called me last night, I didn't answer the first 2 times he called. My husband was all over me when the phone bill came in a few days ago. Over a $100.00. But when he called the third time I answered and I'm glad I did, he thought I had left for Cali because his lawyer asked him if he was ready for trial on the 6th. They haven't prepared him at all, there is no clothes for him to wear to trial and she told him she was postponing until Jan. So it seems no one knows whats going on as usual. I can't believe I'm so calm. I feel good!!?! I'm not sure why. I think God is taking care of me : )
I'll keep you all informed.

Peace,
Kim C

Well the judge was too busy yesterday so he is going back to court today. So I'm trying to keep busy and listen for the phone. The investigator seems to think they will put it off until Jan. we will see. I'm still doing OK.

Peace,
Kim C

http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=crooked+judges&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8

Government Experiments in Mind Control
... victim of crooked judges. 11/30/2004 4:10 AM ... victim of crooked judges. 11/30/2004 3:16 AM ...
groups.msn.com/GovernmentExperimentsinMindControl/messageboard.msnw - 54k -

http://groups.msn.com/GovernmentExperimentsinMindControl/general.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=2441&LastModified=4675500829118856371

Hello,
The latest news I have is that my sons court date is now Jan. 10th. I hope this is it, we need to move on, it will be 2 years and 10 days he has been sitting in County Jail.
Please pray for us to keep strong. Thank you.
Peace,
Kim C

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!
Peace,
Kim C

Kim, It truly is amazing how strong we can be. One more Holiday gone by with out my two boys, I don't know if it gets any easier.
They transfered my sone 2 weeks ago out to Wasco I received a letter from him the other day. He can make no calls from there I believe he is there until the decide where they are going to send to to finish out his sentence. I am so sorry to hear that they have once again posponed your sons trial date, if he is anything like both of my boys he just wants to get it over and done so he can move on. I think and pray for you often and to keep strong but I also know it is hard. If you figure out the peace and serenity thing let me know! You are in my thoughts and prays..............Jeri

Jeri my friend hello!
I think of you probably every day. You are in my prayers also. Did your son say how he was doing? I do hope he is adjusting. My son says he would rather be in prison then in county and wants to get this whole thing over with. He called me the other night and told me they will be asking for another continuance on the 10th. Actually they will ask if they (Defense) can test the DNA evidence all over again because there is 3rd party DNA involved, meaning it's not my sons DNA. Prosecution does not want to hand it over and does not want anymore continuances either. Anyways I guess if they test it over again it could take months. So who knows when they finally make it to trial.
Let me know where your son ends up, my son will probably be San Quentin if he is convicted. His spirits are up and he sounded good which I'm grateful for. I still am doing good, I occasionally slip and fall but I'm picking myself up a lot faster and refocusing.
Jeri I think 'gratitude' is part of the secret. There really is so much to be grateful for, I took an awful lot for granted. I have also stopped praying for a lighter load, I now pray for a stronger back.
Peace,
Kim C

MY NAME IS STEVE

HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FRIENDS!
Peace,
Kim C

Hey where is everybody? Jeri you there?
I am here as always.
Peace,
Kim C

STEVE, PLEASE DO NOT WRITE THOSE TYPE OF THINGS IN THIS WEBSITE. GO TO ANOTHER WEBSITE TO TALK NASTY....
DON'T DISRESPECT THE PEOPLE WHO READ THIS WEBSITE FOR SUPPORT..
THANK YOU

Once again my sons trial has been continued until Feb. 28th. 2 years and 2 months and still waiting.

Peace,
Kim C

To whom may concern: I bean readen about your proublem about your son. you dont no this yet but you will when the time come. do you no why? and do you no when ? and do you no why come you gonna throw what you are gonna throw. well I am tell you why and how it"s because God is looking at you. feb is leafe year I am a morther also and my son he being in prison so meany time and as morther and God on my side God have you in the pawn of your hand do you no why come you are come and cool it's because God have you where he want you at. and you run from that the month feb come your he is not get life and he is ready done time.before this year is up your son will be comen home tell God thank's when i start readen this i have'nt heard you saying any thing about God you did'nt ask why or why us me and my family because it not about you and your son it's about your family you see what the a bad person meant for evil God meant for the good my son he stay in trouble and i cry for the three time i just cry the first time i cry when he went to jail then he got out then the next time he went to jail i cry then the 3th time he went in icry but I cry but not as much like the first two time I Learn to put my trust in God not no man God he turn it around in to good when it seam like it ugly it will be all right keep your head up ok take care God he on your side ok name Donna

Donna,
God is looking at me, I know that. I also know everything and I mean everything in the past, present and future is all connected. People everywhere and through all times are connected.
I cannot be so selfish to think my life is more important than anyone else's. We all have a part in the play and all parts are equally important. The "why me?" question never came up because someone has to play this part, it's part of my life. I will try to keep my head up.

Peace,
Kim C

Kim, So sorry to hear about yet another continuance.. I too think of you often hoping for things to move on. I am going to see my oldest son this weekend, the first time since Aug 2003, and having s many emotions going on at the same time. Scared, anxious, and excited, just hope i don't just sit and cry. I will let you know how thing go when I get back. My best to you.
Jeri

Jeri Hello,
I know what you mean about all the emotions it's crazy isn't it? You probably will cry but they will be happy tears just to see your son. Are you going by yourself? I would be very scared to go too.
I have been told that my son was measured for a suit to wear to court so I guess the trial will be soon. I was also told that the attorney and the investigator are flying out here to Arizona to see us, I am not sure why. On the 28th of Feb. they are going to ask for another judge and supposedly they will go to trial about 2 weeks later. I will believe that when I'm sitting in the courtroom!! Anyways I am doing OK emotionally but physically my body decided to start falling apart. If it's not one thing it's another, I'm telling you I think I've had enough! Tomorrow I go in for MRI's on my brain and spine. I've been having some problems with my nerves I guess in my arms and head. Doc said he wants to rule out MS. So I'm off to another adventure in life. Wish me luck tomorrow.
Peace,
Kim

My heart goes out to all of you,
My husband was sentenced to 2 years in prison for basically being a drug user, he is ADHD, we don't have money for an attorney or medical insurance to get proper medical attention, so state prison is the courts way of solving his problem. The public defenders aren't there for us, they're working for the state.
Anyways, I don't know anything about how the prison system works, and would like to know how I can get information on what is going on with him. I don't even know for sure what I can and can not send him. I have had no contact with him since he's been in, I have sent letters, but have not gotten a response back. Can anyone help me out with some information.
Thanks,
Tanya

Tanya,
I haven't gotten that far in the system yet so I don't know how to help you, but the ladies that post on the 'Discussion Group for those waiting for their husbands' know a lot. Post a message there I'm sure you'll get a response.
Take Care.
Peace,
Kim C

Tanya,

I believe you can contact the prison itself to find out
what you can and can't send. He may not be writing
you back because he doesn't have stamps. I live in
Virginia and the DOC here has a web site where you
can find out info about each facility. this may help. I
usually post on the discussion for those waiting for their
husbands. Its a great site - we would love to have you
post there.

Ceil

CELLERMOM JUST KEEP YO HEAD UP I DID A BID
BEFORE JUST TAKE EVERYYHING ONE DAY AT A
TIME AND EVERYTHING WILL BE GRAVY

I hope so 'cause I love gravy !!
I love you guys.

Peace,
Kim C

i have a son in prison in florida and im 586 miles away in tennessee i miss him so much i talk to him 2 a week the phone bill are so bad i cant aford it but i will keep talking to him no matter what i cant wait till he comes home which will be aug 27 2005 this year 7 more long mon.but i will promis i will never go to the st. of florida angain as long as i live its a bad st. he had 2 pills on him on the beach at bike week he got 22 mon. in prison i ask the judge was he the only one on that beach that had anything on them and he laught at me and said no but your son is the only one who got caught so dont go to fl if your for out of state they will get you i know thanks for this it really heps to read that im not the only one who love her son that much feel free to email me at beckymoo@tds.net
becky

Jeri,
Did you get your visit? I've been thinking of you all weekend. I hope everything went well.
Peace,
Kim

Kim, YES.....I did get to visit both saturday and sunday, It was so hard. The visditing process is crazy I did not like it at all but I guess it was worth it to get the hugs and kisses i have been missing for the past 2 years. I took my granddaughter (8) with me so she could too visit her daddy. The weekend was very emotional and long for the both ou us, the drive was 6 hours and just the waiting for visiting was bad. Hope all is going well with your health, this does take its toll on us, be strong, I am trying to. talk to you soon. Jeri

Tanya, you can go to http://www.accesssecurepak.com/ and there you can see what items you can order for you son. all you need is the name of prison and his Inmate number it has a list of everything they need. you can not send any packages from home, at least not here in california. If you need help let me know. good luck to you. Jeri

Tanya,
Where is your husband?
Have you sent him any metered envelopes?
If he is at a Reception Center like one of my boys they can not call. but you can sent envelopes to him so he can write. I don't know a whole lot but you can contwact me and I will answer as many questions as possible for you I know it is hard I have both of my boys in the syltem now.

Jeri

Hi Jeri, hugs and kisses sound so good. I am happy for you. I haven't heard from my son for awhile and started worrying, I emailed the investigator and he called my sons girlfriends mother. Evidently I have been replaced! She or her daughter talks to him every night I guess. I'm glad he has someone but I miss him. She told him Skylar was doing good, a little depressed last weekend but OK.
I am having more tests on my arms today, I hope I get some answers on whats going on with me. I've had the MRI's on my brain and spine but they haven't called me with results. I've been taking some pills that make me feel weird, kind of detatched. My arms are getting worse but I'm still hanging in there. Anyways I will keep posting as long as I can make my arms work.

Peace, Kim C

I just wanted to check in and tell all of you thanks from the bottom of my heart.
I don't have much to say anymore and I don't feel well. I will still check in to see how you guys are doing though.
Thank you much.
Love,
Kim C

I don't know if this will even help me but it's awful hard to have my son incarceated and be alone in the wait for him to come home.Just getting out of bed is hard enough the daily stuff work etc. is nearly unbearable.I wondered if there was any group of parents of imprisoned children to chat and vent and for some support.I don't think this is what this place is but I thought I'd try.

I NEED SOME MODIVATION I REALLY MISS MY BROTHER I TRY TO STAY STRONG BUT IM SO WEAK. I,VE DONE VISITED LESS THEN IM SOPPOSE TO BUT MY MOM GOES EVERY MTH. IT HURTS TO GO THERE KNOWN HE CANT LEAVE WITH ME. I EVEN GOT LONG DISTANCE SO HE CAN CALL ME AS HE PLEASES I GO CRAZY IF I CANT AT LEAST HEAR HIS VOICE. MY BROTHER WENT TO PRISON AT THE AGE OF 20,HES DONE 2 YEARS FOR SHARING A INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH A FEMALE WHO LIED ABOUT HER AGE. HES LABLED AS A CHILD MOLESTOR IN PRISON, AND I HEAR THE PRISON RUMORS AND I GET NIGHTMARES.RAPE IN PRISON SCARES ME.I KNOW I SHOULNT THINK LIKE THAT BUT I CANT HELP IT. HE TELLS ME HES OKAY. MY BROTHER NEVER BEEN IN PRISON BEFORE THIS IS HIS FIRST TIME. I PRAY EVERYDAY AND HE DOES NEED MODIVATING PENPALS SO IF THATS U PLEASE WRITE (ROY MARSHALL JR.)MACON STATE PRISON-OGLTHORPHE,GA 31068 SOID#1091620-514750/D-2

Anonymous hello and welcome!
Yes you have come to the right place. I'm here always, I have a son in jail and awaiting trial. He has been in for over 2 years now. He is now 23 or will be on the 26th of Feb. If you would like to email me I'm at cellermom@yahoo.com or we could talk here. If you would like to get to know me or some of what I have been through just read through these messages, I started posting Jan. 30,2004. I have to say that without this message board I don't know where I'd be. It's a little slow these days people aren't posting much but like I said I'm here. Write back, let me know where you are from, I live in Arizona.
Peace,
Kim C

Hello Kim and andy one else out there,
It's Friday another week has passed, Kim I hope you are feeling well. My youngest son has been moved and from what he has said he got lucky he is in a medium community correctional facility and is not confined to a cell any longer. He was a little dissapointed to find he had to do 85% of this time so his release is July 06. The oldest son has 88 days left. This is all good but I am still hurting daily. How is your sons case going? Did his attorny come to see you? Are they going to trial soon? keep me posted on how everything is going. I think of you very often almost daily while I am thinking of my boys because I know you are thinking of you son too. Have a good weekend and talk to you soon. Jeri

Jeri,
It is good! Your sons will be home soon, this is good, real good. I don't even know where to begin telling you about my son. I'm so mixed up with the mumbo jumbo the investigator tells me that I don't really listen let alone believe what he tells me. First of all the lawyer didn't even know anything about coming out here according to my son when he asked her about it. So the investigator lied to me about that.
My son has had many court dates since last I wrote. Prosecution just plain refused to give evidence over to be tested by the defense even though the judge ordered it. They have been trying to get it for over 6 months, well they finally gave it to them and they took it down to get tested but the guy just through it up on a shelf and forgot about it. The judge was mad that they were taking too long and ordered them to start trial! Supposedly they got a new judge and Skylar goes back to court on Monday but this judge has 2 other cases to do (maybe) on Monday so he might be starting on Wed. but judge goes on vacation in 2 weeks and the lawyer is now saying they didn't really need this DNA evidence anyways that is why they were fighting over this for 6 mos.???? anyways if you followed any of what I said then you are understanding this much better than I. So here we go again around and around and around. I tried calling the attorney and left her a message but she won't call me back.
I have been seeing Doctors and having tests for my arms, anyways I do not have MS, thank you God. But I have bulging disks in my neck which may be causeing some nerve problems but not bad enough for surgery, thank you again God. Plus carpel tunnel syndrome. I'm on meds but I don't know if they help a whole lot and I'm having physical therapy 3xs a week.
So there you have it. It's almost laughable really. I wonder if my son has ANY idea what I have gone through and continue to go through.
I need to let go.
It would be so much easier if I were mad at him.

Peace to you my friend,
Kim C

To All,
After 2 years and 2 months trial has started for my son Skylar.I missed the first day and half of the next of trial because no one called to let me know until the evening of the first day. I was rushed to the airport Tuesday morning and made it to court during the lunch break. I sat through 1 1/2 days of court and rushed back to the airport to go home Wednesday night. I leave again Monday morning. I am drained. I know now why people sit in court with stone faces.
I now am dealing with my husband for the weekend. I think that I might not come back home after this court case, it's too much trouble.

Kim C

Hi I also have a son in jail 33,he is waiting to be sentenced,we think he will get 12 yrs.We are so upset.The PD never tells us anything,sometimes they say he is going to court and on several ocassions I have sat in court waiting for my son and he never came out.Imagine sitting there and listening to the judge toss these guys a side and throw away the key,my nerves were ao bad,then I would have to get up and leave abd do it all over agaun the next time they give him a court date.
I am glad I have this place,it is nice not to feel alone.

Kim, This is your friend Corinna. Thank you for showing me this website. You are not alone. You have more people than you know that Love & support you till the end of time. I know this is a difficult time for you. Although I can never even begin to think of what you might be thinking or feeling. The closest my imagination can come is almost unbearable. My heart is heavy, and I have a feeling of complete unbelief, let down, sadness at what I thought at one time was a fair and honest judicial system. There is nothing that can be done once any case is put in the hands of the "so called experts" So much is left out, not allowed, hidden, & down right LIED about! No-one really wants the truth, just a win. Anybody will do, even if it's not the right person. I have known Skylar since he was 3/4 years old, and I will forever know in my heart, no matter what happens in the next few days, He in no way was even remotely cappable of pulling off what our "great country" has claimed he did. Shame on you Prosecution of Orange Couty California! This is the worst investigation I have ever seen or heard about. Who ivestigates a murder & doesn't dust for fingerprints? I would have never believed this myself if I hadn't been spending the last few days at the Skylar Tree Carlson case & heard it for my own ears by lead investigator Detective Fulcher of Santa Ana PD, Orange County CA. No we did not take any fingerprints of the residence, well yes, we took fingerprints off the doorknob on the floor, but only after the request of the defense after 10 months were they tested. Kim, I love you more than I can possibly ever express. Skylar, I love you more than you will ever know. It's not over till the fat lady sings, & I may never sing again. Corinna

To all,
My son was convicted of 1st degree murder last Wednesday at 1:55PM. I haven't gone home to Arizona yet.
I'm tired.

Skylar Tree Carlsons Mom,
Kim C

Kim,

I post at the site for wives, but often read the posts here. My heart goes out to you. Know that we who post on the other sites are here for you too.

Ceil

Ceil,
Thank you. I just got home from California so now I make the transition to mommy and wife.
I'm numb. This doesn't seem real, it can't be. I visited Skylar on Sunday before I left and I will never forget the look in his eyes, it will haunt me forever, it was pure fear.
I have basically shut down.

Kim C

I have been home only for a few days. My husband and I can't talk to each other without fighting. I don't know what to do. Right away he brought up what we were going to do for Easter. He wanted to know if we were going to have a big Easter dinner with invited guests or were we going to Sedona on a camping trip with friends. Plus he thinks I should have some girls over for a slumber party for my daughter this Friday. For Gods sake I just came back from a murder trial in which my son was convicted of 1st degree murder and which he probably be given Life.
I'm so confused, am I supposed to just snap out of this? am I wrong for being upset or angry that this happened? My brain is just twisting around and around, I'm so freakin confused and angry. All I want is drugs. Drugs to calm me and make me indifferant to everything, I don't want to feel anything anymore. God is nowhere to be found. I am in Hell.

Kim C

Hello to all you ladies, I am a 31yr old man from the south. I've read this whole site from top to bottom. It truly reliefs my soul to know i'm not alone. The difference is im actually being accused of Conspiracy in a federal Drug case. Noted I hadn't been caught doing anything the thought killed me. Just to know someone i knew included me in such a thing. I have kids and a family. I have many worries myself about going to jail which brings me to this site. I think the hardest part is leaving the world which i love so much. Its hard to imagine not seeing the world and having the somewhat free will to do whatever. I never have been in any serious trouble nor have I been to prison. This being my first offense. I have a kidney disease which adds even more fear to my situation. I just think about how i take care of myself and after going to the county jail it was totally depressing. My heart goes out to you folks all of you and me being a man of god pray for all. My faith as been tested so many times through this and its been going on for about 6 months now. The case was so against me I was forced to say I did things that I actually didnt do. Which really hurt me worst of all. Its hard to convict yourself of a crime and tell lies on yourself. But to save ones life if it depended on it I wonder what others would do. My life until now has been of good report. I'm no criminal at all and I have a heart for all. I forgive those that have imposed all the drama against me. But now I am faced with a 20yr. sentence as being a supplier of a drug conspiracy. My days are filled with studing and getting knowledge of the fate that is ahead. Fear overwhelms my life now and who I was seems so hard to find. I miss me and my life. But I take it God has different plans for me. I know I have never been through such depression in my life. And I have questioned my own life at times. Until realizing the devil does have powers to mislead us. I don't know my immediate reason for posting but I really hear you Kim C and I will pray for you and your son. I have a few weeks until I'm sentenced and my mind runs wild with all kinds of concerns. I ask all of you to pray for me and my outcome. Please!! god bless

Jay,
I'm here.I will pray for you and your family.
Dear Jay be strong.....oh I am so sorry. Are you with your children and wife now? How old are your kids? Write soon, I check this site almost daily.

Sleep well tonight Jay,
Peace,
Kim C

Happy to hear a voice here. Thanks Mrs Kim C. I need some support and prayer. Yes I'm home with my wife and 2kids. Madison 3 and matthew 2. Today is good Friday so happy holiday to all and god bless. I prayed for you and your family also. my email is listed if you need to reach out and please write back on forum soon.

Jay,
Would you mind writing out your email address here because I'm not very savvy with this computer stuff and have a problem clicking on your name to send you a private email.
Jay you must be very scared.I don't know what to say about your situation. Maybe you could email me at cellermom@yahoo.com I would like to know, if you don't mind, about what put you in this situation. I will be waiting to hear from you.
And of course I will be praying constantly.

Peace,
Kim C

Jay,
I'm here and still praying for you and your family. I wanted to let you know that you posting here has somehow helped me to regain my peace and serenity. It's strange how God works.

Thank You Jay,
Kim C

I'm not doing too good. Can't sleep, I wake up angry. Not motivated to do anything. No appetite. Sometimes I start crying and then I can't stop. When is this going to end?

Kim C

Kim,

It sounds like you are grieving. I know how upset I was when the judge said my husband had to do 6 years. I can't imagine the sentence you had to hear. God is with you. Somewhere in all this pain know that. God will work in your son's life in prison. Are you taking any kind of antidepressant? It might help if you aren't. You are in one of those dark places that few people understand and no one can really feel your pain. This is when we need God the most. There is a song out now that says "sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes He calms His child" or something like that. I am praying right now that God will touch you right where you are and you will feel some peace. Heavenly Father, Kim is in so much pain right now and only You can carry it for her. Let her know that you have not abandoned her. She needs to feel that. Her pain is overwhelming her and she needs to know that You are with her. I pray that as you read this, Kim, that you will feel God's presence, if only for this short time. Just enough to give you some peace and some hope. God does love you and he knows that pain you are feeling because he watched his own son be beatened and humiliated and killed. Call you church if you have one or let me know and I will try to find one in your area. God is the only answer in this situation, because the world is telling you that it is over. God can do miracles and anything is possible. Take care.

Ceil

Ceil,
I just feel so alone. I can't even imagine what my son is going through. Everybody thinks I should just get over it, how can I? It's not like he is dead and I will grieve for awhile and slowly but surely learn to live with it or accept it. It's as if he did die but comes back alive to die again and again. There will be appeals and all that kind of stuff that brings him back to life. Also the phone calls and I'm the only one in the family that writes him. No one talks about him and they don't appreciate me bringing him up. Everyone gets to forget but me.

Thanks Ceil I know things will get better one day
but...
I don't even know what to say.

Kim C

Hi everyone, I have read all your posts and my heart goes out to you all. I too am a mother who feels like I am in hell, my 20 year old son just got sentenced to 8 years in AZ state prison. He has been in county jail for 5 months, everything went pretty fast as he signed a plea bargin (the best he could get) After reading some of your posts I guess I should feel lucky that it is only 8 years,but this is killing me. I cannot imagine being without him for this long and he is so young. The best years of his life are going to go by in that place and I am so worried about his safety in there. He will be in a high minimum yard with some not so nice people. Right now he is in that transition period from county to state where he is not allowed to call or write home. They say it could take up to 2 weeks before he gets to where he is going to be sent and then he can write only. I am used to him calling every day and I am worried sick. Somehow hearing his voice everyday and made things a little better. I feel like a part of me has died, and I worry that I may not live to see my son out of this place or that he will not live to get out of there. I found this website by accident but am so glad I did. Kim I cannot imagine what you are feeling with all you are going through. Mine seems like nothing compared to that, but it is still the most awful thing I have experienced. I fight constantly with my husband (his step father) about the money I have spent(lawyer) (phone calls collect) etc etc. I guess if it was his son he would feel different. I am at the point I am ready for a divorce, he says my son means more to me than him. I am beyond caring or fighting about this, I feel he is making a bad situation more difficult on me. Am I wrong to feel this way? I am confused!!!!!!

Darla,
Chills just went down my back reading your post. My God, Darla, you are me!! Are you in Arizona? I am in Gilbert which is below Mesa in the Phoenix Metro area. Darla you have to write me back, every word you wrote I TOTALLY understand. Email me at cellermom@yahoo.com if you wish or post here. I am waiting.

Kim C

Kim,
Yes I am in Arizona, New River just North of Phoenix on the I17. Nice to see someone responded to my post. Tonight I am going through pure hell!!! Just got home 9PM was home earlier but hubby and his mouth I could not stand anymore, every time I turn around no matter what the problem he throws my son in my face. I have been drinking alot (not usually me) I dont know what to do anymore I am going crazy here. I love my son and I dont care what anyone says I am so worried and at this point I still have not heard from him!!! The last thing I need is another problem, I thought husbands were suppose to be supportive??? Not mine!!! Does yours act that way??? Try and make you feel like trash? By the way how is your son> Have you heard from him or has be been sentenced yet? I cannot imagine what you must be going through with him facing a sentence on those charges. I feel like I am losing myself Kim, like nothing is real. Do you feel that way? Does it ever stop hurting?

Darla,
I don't now if it ever stops hurting. All I know is that it kind of comes and goes depending on what is going on with my son. As you probably know from reading my posts my son was in County jail for over 2 years waiting for his trial. I'd say the first 5 months after he was arrested was unbearable. I was taking so much Valium. I lost an incrediable amount of weight. I would wake up screaming which was pretty scary. I also have 4 other children which are now 18, 13, & twins that are 11. My husband is stepfather to my 2 oldest. He came into their lives when they were 7 & 3 so he has been around for most of their lives. He is a great guy, good provider, good man. But is a man (emotionally retarded) you know what I mean. Husbands are not supportive. They are fixers and when they can't fix it I think they just block it out. All I want my husband to do is hold me like there is no tomorrow and get mad with me (not at me). He tries to make me feel better by saying Skylar is fine where he is at but you and I know they are far from fine. It is a scary place, a dangerous and deadly place. They are our children. I let myself think about it sort of but I am having to learn not to because I'm afraid I might go insane. On the other hand when I block thoughts of my son out I feel tremendous guilt and that causes insanity too, so I guess I am not gonna win.
You are in that very bad spot of waiting to hear from your son, that causes a lot of anxiety. You want to know that things are OK or as OK as it is going to get. I can accept this situation better when I know my son is OK but when I hear of bad things from him I freak out. I think when your son gets to his prison and gets settled and it's not as bad as you and probably he thinks it might be you will feel so much better.
My sons sentancing date is April 29th but I think they will push it out farther and milk it as long as they can. Which only puts off the inevitable. Then I will be in your place waiting for him to be placed at a prison. And then getting used to a new place. This is going to be a long road! I sometimes have to envision it as a river I must float down. If I panic and fight the current I will surely drown. I have to tell myself all the time to relax, just RELAX Kim don't fight it, FLOAT on top of the water and breath deep. The rapids won't last forever, calm water is up ahead. By the way I do panic :) But I am learning slowly but surely. This is not something I get to do with my husband or anyone else for that matter. Ultimately, just like birth and death, we go down this river by ourselves. I am not really a religious person but I have become more, very much more,spiritual.
It is really amazing what I have learned and felt and experianced because of this big freakin nightmare.
My son's situation has brought me to a level that I don't think I would ever have gotten to any other way. And for this I thank him. He is an amazing and awesome son. I know he didn't put himself in this situation for my benifit, I'm not sure what I am trying to say but "God" does work in mysterious ways and I'm not going to waste this (whatever it is) on me going insane,screaming and fighting. THERE HAS GOT TO BE A REASON FOR THIS SITUATION AND I WILL NOT LET MY SON SUFFER IN VAIN. I have no control over anyone else not even my husband nor my son, I cannot make them learn anything from this. But I do have control over me.

God grant me the SERENITY to ACCEPT the things I cannot change,
The COURAGE to change the things I can,
And the WISDOM to know the difference.

I pray we can live our lives in peace,
Kim C