MY SON IS SERVING HIS FOURTH YEAR AT STATE PENITENTIARY AT PARCHMAN, MISS. HE HAS A THIRTY YEAR SENTENCE. HE IS CURRENTLY FILING A POST CONVICTION FOR A NEW TRIAL. WE HAVE HOPES IN THIS BECAUSE HIS TRIAL WAS SO BIAS AND RIDICULOUS. WOULD LIKE TALKING TO OTHER MOTHERS WHO ARE CONFUSED AN SAD LIKE I AM.

My brother too is in prision on a twenty five year sentence with ten to serve. He has served almost five years this October 2001--What steps did you have to take Genell to prusue a new trial. I need information on what we as a family to help our loved ones. My brother is doing time for someone else and now I know he is regreting every minute of it. The sentence they gave him even for a first time offender was ridulous. Anyone have any suggetions????????

HELP???? My brother is loosing his mind.....

GENELL,MY SON TOO IS INCARCERATED. HE IS IN FOR BURGLARY 2 AND HAS A FIVE AND A HALF TO ELEVEN YEAR SENTENCE. HE WENT FOR HIS FIRST PAROLE BOARD HEARING LAST OCTOBER AND WAS DENIED FOR TWO MORE YEARS. HE HAS ALREADY BEEN IN FOR SIX YEARS NOW. HE TELLS ME THAT IT'S LIKE A LOTTERY,IF THEY NEED THE BEDS YOU GET OUT IF THEY DON'T YOU STAY IN. WE ARE IN THE PROCESS OF APPEALING HIS PAROLE DECISION WITH NOT TOO MANY HOPES. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND I SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU GREATLY. IT IS SO HARD AND I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I CAN ONLY VISIT HIM ONCE ABOUT EVERY THREE MONTHS BECAUSE HE IS FIVE HOURS AWAY AND THAT PAINS ME GREATLY. PLEASE KNOW THAT THERE ARE OTHER MOTHERS IN YOUR SHOES AND WE ALL HURT JUST THE SAME. I WILL SAY A PRAYER FOR YOUR SON AS I DO EVERY NIGHT FOR MINE. TAKE CARE

My son is in prison in Maine..
He has been there for a month, and it seems like
a lifetime...
He is in ad segregation, and worried he won't
be classified and moved somewhere closer to home.
I keep trying to hope that he is wrong, but I am
not sure how any of this works...
does anyone??

Cougarly

I have just come upon this site after many months of searching for some type of support system. I, unfortunately, live in Florida, one of the toughtest criminal law states and probably THE state that cares the least about it's prisoners, let alone families of prisoners. My son has not reached the prison system yet, he has been in County jail for over 9 months and against my wishes signed a plea deal which gave him a 15 year prison sentence. This was a first time offense for him and he did not even commit the crime himself, but was with someone making a drug deal who ended up pulling a gun and shooting the drug dealer to death. Even though my son did not have the gun or have anything to do with what happened, except to be there they have given him the maximum sentence they can give him for armed robbery (because that's what the victims family wanted). This is not justice, it's revenge pure and simple! I feel as if my whole world is crashing down around me, but I can never act like it because I have to constantly try to keep my son's hopes alive and try to keep our lives normal for my ten year old daughter. I wake up every morning hoping all of this has been a bad dream but unfortantely it's not and I have to find someway to keep my sanity without losing it in front of my family. I hope that talking with each of you who are going through the same thing will help me. Thank you for listening!

My son has been in detention center for two months after being arrested for serious drug charges. He is 35 and an ADD personality and it is driving him crazy not to be able to do things to keep busy. It is hard for him to read books. I fear what he will do or say in desperation to get out or relocated to a less hostile environment. Is there anything available about the psychology of the inmates newly incarcerated. He has never had to serve time before and leaves two small children at home.
Does the sick feeling in my stomach ever go away and do you ever begin to enjoy things again.
Is there any one in OKlahoma? A support group or anything?

My son, Adam has been in jail a little over a year for a drug related offense. He was sentenced to federal prison for 10 years. I feel like I am in prison too, serving his sentence along with him. He is only 21 years old and it kills me to think of him locked up and missing the good things that life has to offer. I know there must be many parents and families who are experiencing the same feelings. I don't have any friends who really seem to care and I need to talk to others going through this. Thanks for being here.

Debbie..I understand exactly how you feel. That is the reason for my looking for a site like this, to find others who can UNDERSTAND and share what I am going through. I have many good friends who just don't seem to understand why I will not accept a 15 year sentence for my son and why I continue to fight even though I seem to be getting nowhere! My son turned 18 while in County jail, so I understand your hopelessness and sorrow that your son is going to miss so much of his life. My son is a good "kid" who just made a very bad choice...a choice that could cost him a LOT. I will be there every step of the way, however, no matter what anyone else thinks or says. I am getting through this by taking one day at a time right now and you will make it through, too. Just stay strong for your son because that's what he needs the most...my prayers are with you!

My son has been recently incarcerated with the dark days yet to come. It is a very serious crime and if the charges stick, he will be in prison perhaps 25 years or more. He is 25 years old now and I have never felt so much pain in all my life. I love him so much. He is a good man and has never been in any trouble before this. He is bright, intelligent and a wonderful writer of poetry. He writes what he feels. I found this site this week and I hope it will help me get through the many months ahead. Just reading some of these stories makes me feel that I am not alone, that this can happen to anyone, anytime. Thank you. Deb

Thank God for this site! I have been looking for just this thing for months now. I actually have two sons locked up right now. My oldest son is doing 18 to life. He will turn 18 next week. He was bound over and tried as an adult and sits now it a Ohio jail. His crime took place last year and he didn't get sentenced until April this year. My second son is doing 3 to 6 in a juvenile facility. His crime was within 3 weeks of his brothers. I still cry, wake up and wish it was a dream. As I read all your posts, I see that my feelings are no different than yours. I have a not in my stomach that hasn't gone away yet. I'm glad to know I'm not the only mother who has a son in this kind of trouble.

P

I TOO HAVE A SON IN PRISON. I HAVEN"T SEEN HOM IN 5 YEARS. THATS BECAUSE HE IS IN WEST TENNESSEE AND I CAN"T AFFORD TO GO SEE HIM. AND BECAUSE I DON"T HAVE A RELIABLE VEHICLE. I HAVE TALKED TO HIM RECENTLY AND THAT HAS EASED THE PAIN SOME. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO ALREADY BE OUT AND THEY ADDED 2 YEARS ONTO HIS SENTENCE FOR NOTHING. I MISS HIM SO MUCH AND A PART OF MY HEART IS GONE. I OFTEN THINK THAT WITH MY DISABILITIES THAT I WILL DIE BEFORE HE IS RETURNED HOME TO ME. I FEEL FOR EACH OF YOUR PAIN. YOU HAVE A FRIEND IN ME. AND MY PRAYERS. THE GOOD LORD IS THE ONLY THING SUSTAINING ME DAY TO DAY. IF ANYONE OF YOU HAS A SONE OR LOVED ONE IN NORTHWESTERN IN TIPTONVILLE ,TENNESSEE FEEL FREE TO CORRESPOND OR ANY OF YOU. I GET LONELY. MY HUSBAND HELPS BU THE IS ONLY HIS STEPFATHER. I KNOW HE LOVES KEN TO BUT ITS DIFFERENT WHEN YOU ARE A MOTHER. LOVE YOU ALL AND I HOPE YOU CAN FIND SOME PEACE IN YOUR HEARTS.UNTIL LATER I AM
SINCERELY YOURS
DEBORAH SHELTON

I think that as a mother we ache for our children in times good and bad. My 21 year old son has been held in the Regional Justice Center for 223 days and since I cannot afford an attorney his Public Pretender wants him to plea bargain but he said NO "Mom, you taught me stand up when Im right> I didnt committ these crimes! Just because an ex-girlfriend wanted revenge well she surely got it. If this goes to trial and he loses he is looking at up to 12 years...Ladies my heart and prayers go out to you all...Be strong I know its difficult but we are "Mothers" our love is unconditional...Take care all.

My son has been incarcerated for 17 months. He was in the military but the crime he committed had nothing to do with the military. They court-martialed him and sentenced him to 10 years. He had been in the military for 17 years, never been in any trouble, not even a speeding ticket. He is guilty of the crime but if it had been a civilian court he would not have gotten near as much time or maybe no time at all since it was his first offense. I do not condone what he did but also do not agree with the punishment. My heart is broken, this has hurt so bad and no one else seems to understand the hurt. I know all of you other mothers will know what I am feeling. If there is anyone out their that has a son or daughter in the military that is incarcerated please let me hear from you, With love and prayers for all of you, Lou

hey, I saw a posting from Florida! I agree the laws here are tough my son is sentenced to 2 years in 4 years probation he's 17 in a "youthful offenders" jail (14-24).The judge recommeded a 6 month boot camp at sentencing. The only problem is the are over 200 kids on a list in front of him and they take about 20 kids every 4-5 months so by the time his name get to the top of the list he'll have served his sentence (if everything goes okay).This has been a nightmare I know how you feel out there. I thank God for letting me find this sight before I went nuts!Thanks for listening- anyone else with a juvenille tried as a adult in Florida out there? I'm sure there are I hope you find this sight too!

I am an investigative reporter looking into the rates charged at county and state jail/prison facilities around the country for phone calls (usually collect) from inmates.

I would like to hear--especially from people incarcerated in, or families from, MICHIGAN:

--How these charges have impacted families of inmates, especially children;

--Examples of incredibly high charges at specific places;

--Why taxpayers should care that states/localities are making millions in telephone "commissions" off prisoners...after all, isn't this a good way to help offset the cost of maintaining jails/prisons, especially where the profits go back into "prisoner services/benefits"?

Please e-mail me at:

ResearchNews@aol.com

Thanks for your help.

I want to THANK the person who started this site. What a great job!!!! I have a son in prison up here in Ontario Canada. The system up her stinks...why...because they remand and remand and remand. Plus you either say your guilty or not guilty without being able to speak. Only through your lawyer and then half the time they don't repeat what you say except what they want to say because everybody is in a hurry. Then you suffer the consequences with no explaination on your behalf. Total embarrassment. He may get life for something he didn't do. That may sound selfesh to say, but it's true. He has been in prison many times before, but never have I seen him like this. H e could adjust before, but, the way he acts, it feels like he will end his life at times. I am so worry that I may never get to have him home again. I'LL NEVER WAKE UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE. YOU GIVE BIRTH AND NOT KNOWING WHAT'S AHEAD.The feeling a mother gets is pure helplessness. Never before did I feel like this. Mother instincts don't help me worth a darn. We are very close and I've got to keep myself up because I have other children and grandchildren. My health has gone way down hill from worry. I pray everyday for strengh. I use to be a guard myself and so I know what it's like behind bars. God bless all mothers who's child is in prison and may god bless each and every one of you. As bad as they feel will in there. they do watch thier back and learn to survive. They have their own community just the same as the street. One rule they have is when someone has passed away from what ever has happened they don't eat for that day, just to support it. There is many tricks inmates will do on each other because of their own frustrations, but each inmate knows what to look for from the troubled inmate and respects that so there's no trouble. I know quite a bit of ways inmates are to protect themselves, but I'm running out of space. Mothers, just keep in mind that your son needs you just to be on the other end of the phone and he or she will learn the prison way of life. Some inmates purposely put themselves in prison because they feel safer in there. They can't deal what life gives them on the outside world. For some is just plain Bad Luck.Well. I know I SHOULD BE FOLLOWING MY OWN ADVICE but, it's just because I can't do the mothering thing. Even though he has alot on his mind I still get poems, mother's day cards,a birthday card last week and thank you cards. I cherish them all. If you know any one who wants to write my son, he has an ad on this web site. His name is Pete, from Kingston. GOD BE WITH YOU EVERY ONE...Susan

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO THOSE OF US THAT ARE WAITING FOR OUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS TO RETURN HOME.
An ocean-a mile-a yard-a foot; even an inch is too much space, when it keeps me from your tender touch and the pleasures of your warm embrace.

Sorry I didn't send this yesterday....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL OF YOU...KEEP THE FAITH

Does anybody out there has her man or son incarcereted in LOMPOC,CA ????
Thank you.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT VISITS AT THE FCI IN PHOENIX,AZ ????ARE THEY CONTACT VISITS ? PLEASE IF ANYBODY HAS THE ANSWER LET ME KNOW.
Thank you

I also have a son in prison.He is 19 years old and has been in prison for 3 years now with an eight year sentence still to serve. This is the hardest thing a mother can experience in my opinion. I was a correctional officer when my son went to prison and have since qiut my job because it was too hard knowing what my son was going through everyday. My son is currently at Centinela State Prison in Imperial California but soon will be moved to the SHU at Pelican Bay. I would really like to hear from someone out there who also has a family member in the same prison or even just a mom who would like someone in the same situation to talk to.

I HAVE A 17 YEAR OLD SON CONVICTED OF 2ND DEGREE MURDER AS A YOUTHFUL OFFENDER IN OKLAHOMA. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY KNOWLEDGE OF THE WAY THIS WORKS? I GUESS HE WILL STAY AT A JUVENILLE FACILITY FOR SERIOUS OFFENDERS. IF HE COOPERATES & COMPLETES THE PROGRAM HE COULD GET OUT IN 2 YEARS.
HE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD WHEN HE WAS 10. HIS DAD & I TOOK HIM TO ABOUT 4 DIFFERENT PSYCHIATRIST THROUGH OUT THE YEARS & HE HAS BEEN ON MANY MEDICATIONS. NOTHING HELPED HIM. I DON'T KNOW THAT THERE IS ANYTHING THAT CAN HELP HIM. I DON'T KNOW IF HE CAN GET CONTROL OF HIS IMPULSES. I LOVE HIM ALOT & MY HEART IS BROKEN. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ENCOURAGING WORDS?

I have a son who is 21 years old who is serving a 6 year sentence in North Carolina, he has already served 3 years, I guess with the Holidays coming I'm just hoping to conect with someone local who understands.

Wow... I'm so glad I found this site. My son is 20 and has not been to prison yet, but he is facing 25 years to life because he violated his probation and when they found him he had a bottle of prescription pills on him, that did not belong to him, which is another felony. When he was first charged, they gave him a ten year suspended sentence with two felonies and five years probation. He had no prior record. My heart is so broken. I LOVE my son so much and it's going to be so hard not having him home and part of our life everyday. It's just so hard on us parents. God be with us all.

Hi! My name is Rebecca and I'm 15. I was just locked up for over 2 years, and when your locked up at times you will feel depressed, sucidal, or just mad, but you will also feel happy too. The best thing you can do for your family members is write them, visit them, or just be sure they know that you're there for them. They may show hard feelings towards you, but they really need someone to love them. When mail day comes and they see know one is writing them,it makes them feel like know body cares about them, everyone has forgot about them, or they may feel like they have knowbody so there is no reason to live,
Trust me I've been there before and I've been through all of those situations, and I've seen other people go through worse situations.

My son has been in county jail now for six months. We are working with our attorney to get the charges reduced if not he will be doing 20 years for a crime he did not committ. This is very painful for his wife and myself. We don't know what to do to help him stay sane through all of this. I live in another state and can not go see him very often and when I do I can only see him for 30 minutes on the other side of a partician that I can bearly hear what he is saying.
The phone calls are costing 12.00 for 10 minutes.
I've had to get a second job to pay for the attorney and be able to send him money for the little things like stamps, envelopes a radio to drown out the noise in there. I would love to be able to send him care packages but he can not receive anything from the outside. write me if you have learned to cope with this agony. I just do not know how.

Don't know how I got to this site, God must have led me here. Our son is 33 and has had a drug problem since he was 15, he has been in juvenile hall, then to jail, then to prison (CRC), Calif. Rehabilitation Center Norco, Calif. He hasn't committed a crime other than stealing a pair of skis from an open garage back in '94. That was his original crime that put him in CRC. He has always been a model inmate. He would do about a year, then parole, he would make it for a few months, then relapse and get sent back for another year. This last year he was on parole and going through rehab. a part of his parole requirements. He paroled in May of 2002 and walked away from rehab. in Sept. 2002. Because of this, he couldn't stay with us, parole would find him here. He then found himself out on the streets homeless. After making a drug deal, and feeling he was cheated, he and another young man, whom he had only known for a couple of weeks, were going to go to the dealer's house and ask for their property back,or get what their property was worth. Being homeless and out on the streets, they carried protection (knives). When they got to the dealer's house, the dealer had been partying all day with his brother (this we know because he stated it on the witness stand). They had drank all afternoon, used meth, smoked pot, and took Vicadin. When my son confronted the dealer, he started fighting with my son, and was poked with the knife, but the young man outside was confronted by the brother, and was stabbed several times causing his death. It's sad, but this is the drug world as most of you know. My son was convicted of first degree murder, robbery, and torture. The other young man was charged with first degree also. Him being the actual killer. They were not trying to rob them, and they were acting in self defense. Our son has never harmed anyone unless he is protecting himself. He hasn't been sentenced, but will be on December 9, 2003. The public pretenders are filing an appeal, but we don't know how long it will take. We couldn't afford an attorney for our son. It is the most horrible thing I have ever had to accept in my life. I love my son so much, as you other mothers do. When I think about not having in our home ever again, or being with him for any special events, it's almost more than I can bear. If I didn't have the faith in God that I do, I don't know how I could take it. It is so wonderful to find this site, and to hear that there are other mothers out there who know how I feel.There is no support in our city, but we have been learning about more and more people who need this support as we do. This case was highly publicized, we have lived here for all of our son's life, so he is well known. People who know him are heartbroken, for they know he would never harm anyone. They are there for us, but really don't understand what we are going through. It is a nightmare, I just want to wake up and have it go away. Have any of you experienced how long an appeal takes? Gloria in Calif.

www.prison-online.com

We are a new site for prison support...
We also offer free legal forms, free webpage hosting and more.

We would love for you to drop by and join our community.

Thanks,
Don

This is for DebBoz and all the mothers of sons who are incarcerated. My son has been in County Jail for 8 months for a serious crime. Love is powerful and strong. He has not seen the son shine, the rain, feel the wind on his face or been outside since his arrest. I feel that this is so cruel to humans!!! We do not even treat dogs at the pound this way. Sunshine is important for your health, and I think that something is terribly wrong with the justice system. All I can offer any of you is prayer and to know that the good man above, The Lord Jesus Christ will help you thru each day if you ask him to. Ask for peace and comfort not only for you, but for your son or daughter. It is hard for them too. My son is a wonderful man, successful, loving to not only his family but others, never been in trouble, served his country in the US Marines for 4 years during a time of war and deserves a chance to prove himself to others. We must stand by our children and give them the support and love that they need cause it is not easy for them either. Love them and pray for them everyday.
RLE

I knew you where out there somewhere. Thankyou. I'll have to come back tomorrow to share because I can't see through my tears to type. God let us all have a good night.

Is there anyone out there? Please email me at cellermom@yahoo.com. I just moved to Arizona from Orange county, California. My son who is about to turn 22 has been in county jail since Dec. 30, 2002 waiting for trial. I may never see him again. My husband wants me to shut up about it all but this is killing me. Our family of seven is being torn up by all this. I'm all alone please write. Kim C.

Hi
My boyfriend got life in prison and I know how all the Mothers feel. My son stayed in trouble until he decide to join the Army Reserve. Mother stay on your knees and keep praying.We Walk by faith and not by sight." I don't care what it look like God Is still in control. I know about the hurt and pain. My boyfriend accidentally killed his wife. He felt if he would have taken a pleas bargin he was saying he tried to kill her. so he got life and he is 54 years old. I will keep praying and trusting in the lord.Don't stop writing your children they need to have something to keep there mind. Let them know how much you love them.Let them know as each day that passes in some case are days to there freedom. Mothers you pray that God will keep you here on earth to see your child walk out of those prisons gate

HI Everyone! My heart hurts for all of you. I to have a son in prison for 7 to 22 years for OUIL drunk driving causing death. In July he will be in for two years :(
I can't begin to tell you what this has done to him our family and the family of the young lady who died in the accident.
I can't discribe how my heart hurts that he is in the hole in michigan. Because there was a death involved people seem to have no compassion for our family at all. It is horrible. The only thing that keeps me sane in this situation is my faith in God! And my son's faith in God.
People in the world who have never dealt with this kind of a situation has no idea how it effects a family and how cruel the prison system is on families.
One thing that is horrible for us is They say they will try to keep an imate close to their loved ones because it's so important for them to have their family close for visits and support. But in fact they put our son almost as far away in the state as they could. IT takes almost 5 hours to get to him from my daughters home. There is so much to consider to be able to see him. When can we go? do we have the money for gas? who can go with me so I don't fall asleep at the wheel? How is my son feeling today? Will it be a good visit or an even sadder visit for both of us? So many things.
Another Is the phone situation they put us through to talk with our children! (I would like to get something done about this because it's just plain wrong!!! Do any of you deal with Correctional Billing Services? That is all we have to go through and we have to pay $22.00 per 15 minute call and if we reach 100.00 they restrict our phone so our son can't call until it's paid. So how do you deal with all of this to help your child deal with what he's dealing with. When you tell him you call if you need anything! And the phone is restitcted because correctional billing services desides how many calls we can get. Even though we've never been late with a payment and it is paid through our phone company.
I am very interested in if any of you have to deal with this as well?
The reports I've seen from Michigan is where my son is that a very large number of imates are still in prison because of the parole boards.
Where is the justice for us as their family? Please help any advice is welcome., As you can tell I'm so frustrated I can't see striaght and I thank all of you for taking the time to read this.
I believe we need to take a stand and do something about this in our states. What do you all think?

My son is 26 and he is in prison til 2008. I had no resources to help him. I'm prone to depression and have had a difficult time coping my entire life. I'm 42 and my son needed me and I didn't have my act together to help him. His father and half-brother died in December. Also, his best friend's girlfriend.

Saskia, I feel so bad for you! I'm 46 and my son was just sentenced to 10 years-I hope he is out in 5 years. I am so new to this system and have tons of questions-don't know where to turn, and you and your son have so many other things to deal with as well! I will pray for you. SLR

HELLO,MY HEART GOES TO ALL OF YOU WHO ARE DEALIN WITH THE PRISON SYTEM .MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN CALIFORNA PRISON FOR OVER A YEAR. I KNOW THATS NOTHING COMPAIRED TO SOM OF THE SENTENCES IV READ ON HERE BUT FOR ME AND MY TWO BOYS ITS BEEN ALONG TIME.HE IS DO TO BE RELEASED IN ABOUT TWO WEEKS AND IM NOT GOING TO BE ALLOWED TO SEE HIM UNTIL HE GETS OFF OF PAROL BECAUSEOF THE CHARGES.ITS GOING TO BE HARD TO DO CONSIDERING WE LIVE IN A TOWN THAT IS ABOUT 5 MILES LONG I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW THEY CAN DO THIS. THEY ARE LOOKING A CHARE FROM OVER 6 YEARS AGO AND HE NEVER FINISHED HIS PROBATION ON AND WENT TO PRISON.I HAVE GOOD FAITH IN THE LORD AND I KNOW HE WILL PROVIDE A WAY FOR US TO BE TOGATHER AGAIN.

Hello to all. Just wanted to check in and let everyone know I'm still alive! I keep thinking all this is gonna kill me but it hasn't yet. Nothing has gotten any better though. My son is still waiting for his trial, he was supposed to go June 7 but it was continued again. He has been in county jail since Dec. 30, 2002. A year and a half now. His new date is Sept. 20 but it will be put off again until Jan. 2005 probably.
I'm just plain mad and angry anymore. This whole thing is destroying me. There is a rage that is growing in me that I can't even begin to describe. Everyday is a little different but today I hate.
Kim Celler

Hello to all the Moms! I came across this web-site by accident but thank god for it. I am sure that many of you like me suffer the pain daily of a loved one being locked up for a crime they did not commit. My son received life without parole for a crime he didn't do. The local county needed someone to pay for the crime-election was coming up so they had a jailhouse snitch testify against my son and it worked. Michael was only 19 when he was arrested and spent 3 years in the county jail before he was moved to a prison 7 hours away from me. He is 23 now and it angers me greatly that he is losing some of the best times of his life. I go from depression to anger daily. I can't seem to get over this injustice thats been done, I really want someone to pay and to hurt the way that Michael has. I work for a lawyer and if anyone out there needs some information I will do the best I can to answer your questions. I have been and continue to be where alot of you are right now, and I spent many long hours trying to find answers. Best of Luck to all.
Pam Hash

Hello everyone-
I went to visit my son this last weekend. I got to visit on Friday and Saturday. I haven't seen him in a year. It was good. First thing I wanted him to do was stand up and turn around I wanted to see every inch of him like a new mother checking out her newborn. I also met with the investigator working with his attorney, he says they won't be going to trial in Sept. that they will probably get another continuance and try again in January. It will be 2 years in County jail then. But I have to except it. My son is trying to convince me that prison won't be that bad, bless his heart. I did see a change in him though he was kinda fidgeting, nervous, always looking around at the other inmates - short little glances. He wasn't really listening to me. He seemed a bit preoccupied.
He is changing isn't he? I don't want to see this. I'm almost sorry I went to see him.
But I will go again when I get a chance.
Peace,
Kim

Hello Larry,
Did you read these messages? This is pretty much all we have anymore. It's pathetic isn't it?
God Bless you Larry, keep working for my son and find a way for him not to be convicted. I thank you for the work that you are doing.
Peace,
Kim Celler

Hello Kim, my name is Jeri, I alos have a son in Orange County Jail, has been in since Feb. let out for 3 weeks rearrested and sill awaiting trial. I am lucky to only live in the L.A area so I can visit but they are so hard. I also have a son in Prison and have not seen him for a year. They are my only children and this has taken its toll on me. As so many others say I feel as i have no one to talk to about this and some days I just sit and cry. I came upon this site quite by mistake and have read that I am not the only one. Not sure what to say but my heart goes out to all the mothers that have children in the system. I pray many times daily that they will be safe and return unchanged but like you I think it is doubtful.

Hello, I am new to all this kinda. My son is 21 and was arrested for a felony. He once was such a sweet child that it is so hard to think what like now has in store for him. There really isn't anyone to talk to beccause most people look down on the situation. Where I live there seems to be tons on young offenders. Our community is not that large but the county I live in IL. has the largest meth problem around. It is destroying our youth and community and all lthat is being done is the young are going to prison instead of trying to get them help. It just breaks my heart because I am helpless in this situation of protecting him. I am so glad to see a sit like this becuase it seems almost like you are alone in this world.

Hello Jeri,
I feel compelled to write you, I'm not sure what to say, but I got goosebumps when I read your message. Maybe your son knows my son. Wouldn't that be something?!! I feel a connection to you, you have walked the hallways that I have walked so many times when I visited my son. He has been there a long time now, a year and a half. Feel free to write me at cellermom@yahoo.com

Peace,
Kim

my son is in the rader facility,in oklahoma.he has spent almost a year in this system ,had his 18th birthday in this system ,because he made a mistake ,he took a bicycle without permission,he did return the one he took.but his cousin wouldnt return the one he had taken ,his cousin being over the age of 18,and not getting caught ,he has to suffer for the both crimes ,and it looks like it will be sometime next year before they release him.also he has not had any offenses since his lockup.go figure

Jeri are you still there?
This is Kim C. Write me OK?
Peace,
Kim

Kim, Yes I am still here God I wish somedays I wern't, times have been hard for me I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I am missing both of my children more than I ever thought possible. I needed a break and did not want to talk about my boys. I hope things are going well for your son. My sons trial has also been postponed, he keeps asking "Mom what do I do?" I just don't know any more I feel so tired and worn out. My other son in in Prison and what I hear from him scares me so. I want to go visit but not sure if i can. I have not been to OCJ either every time i go the line is around the corner and I just don't want wait, the visits go by so fast and I feel so helpless. I talk every week with them both and hope when they get out I still know who they are. Write back I would like to know how thing are going for you. May god bless you and keep strong. Jeri

Jeri,
I know what you mean about needing a break sometimes it's hard to bring it all up especially starting from the beginning of the story with someone new. When do you go to OCJ? I always went Fridays around 10:30. It never was bad. Maybe you went when there was a lock down or something. My son did tell me that a friend went to visit a couple weeks ago and they waited 2 hours. It always affects me so bad when I know my son is upset or something bad has happened to him in there, I just loose it. But for quite awhile now he has been OK (as far as I know). He may be trying to spare me from the bad stuff. Well he is supposed to go to trial Sept. 20 but I know they won't. Probably put it off until Jan. and then may even put it off until April.
Oh well it's like it's not even happening anymore. It's almost as if I never had a son named Skylar or it happened in another life.
If you can't tell I'm on my pity pot myself.
I'm just tired of life right now, I'm tired of worrying and crying and feeling helpless.
Jeri did I tell you that my son will be on trial for murder? Aint that a hoot?
Hey Jeri take a long bath and read a good book.
Peace to you Jeri,
Kim

To all the mothers that are feeling unhappy for the fact that there sons will never see the light of day well let me tell you that you shouldnty give up that you should have faith and pray to god and you will see that eveeything will come out good try to fight the system like miklo. Tell your children to study there cases so they could no what there up aganist that nk you annoymous

Hi Kim:

I wish you the very best and hope your son comes home after the trial. My nephew has been in prison in California since April this year. I fought very hard to help, on the one hand I live in Canada on the other we just got the worse lawyer anyone could hire.

It hurts me that he put his life on the line in Afghanistan, he came home, got out of the marines and on the wrong side of the law, his first time and they threw the book at him.

I am so hurt that some days I dont know if I am dead or alive. I never knew I could bear such pain.

Again all the best and I will pray for your son.

Valerie

Hi Valerie,
Thank you very much for your thoughts and prayers. It is a helpless feeling isn't it? It appears to be only a game to lawyers, but for us it is our lives, heart and soul. It goes deep and affects everyone involved so much that really it is indescribable. Even though the paths that we walk have changed you will carry on as I will and so will our boys. I don't know how but I know we will.
Peace to you Valerie,
Kim Celler

Kim, My son also go to trial on Sept. 20th unless they postpone it, that seems to be the norm these days. I went to see him on Friday, the wait was not that long, 2hrs. The smile on his face was worth the wait, I miss him so much. To me he is still my little boy. It still hurt to see him locked up even though that seem to be the only way i have seen him in a while. I am going to try to see my older son with-in the next two months even though the thoughts of prison scare me. I feel that he need me. So I guess i will put my fears aside and drive up by San Jose for the weekend. I have not seen him for 1 year and he still has 9 months left to go provded all go well there, who knows by what he says. I hope your sons trial does start on the 20th of the month also and then maby we can both move on with our lives and not just be hanging in limbo. God bless you and you family. Jeri

Hi Jeri,
I am glad you saw your son and 9 months will go by, slowly, but it will go by. What kind of time is your younger son looking at if convicted?
I just talked to the investigator who is working with my sons public defender and he says they are definately asking for a continuance, probably until November. He seems to think that they won't ask for anymore continuances and they will be ready to go in Nov. I get butterflys in my stomach now thinking about it. I read murder mysterys and watch movies, I don't do the real thing. Not my son, my first born that I love with all my heart---- If he is convicted he could face 25 to life with an extra 10 years added for a gun enhancement. He is 22, I am 47 you do the math. I won't be around.
I want to be brave and strong in that court room ... but... I think I'm gonna throw up.
I will not be able to look at the fear on my sons face.
Peace to all,
Kim C

I have a son (now 22) at the Washington State Penitentiary. Is there anyone else out there with someone there?

Kim C:
I know how you feel, I had to sit through my husband's trial and I was hell. But, you must do it. In fact, I would suggest that you enlist all of the support you can for you son to sit in the courtroom with you to show support for your son. The jury needs to see that he is someone who is loved and supported, you want them to think twice about convicting him and the best way to do that is to force the jury to see him as someone's son, brother, friend etc. I wish I had doen that for my husband. Good luck and hang in there!
Susanne

Susanne,
Thank you for writing. You must have read my past posts. I wrote last that they were asking for a continuance for sometime in November, well it seems the judge was not in a good mood and gave them 1 week . He went to court last Monday, Sept. 20. One week is tomorrow. I cry as I write this because tomorrow when they go to court they will ask for another continuance but the investigator called me Thursday and said he would call me from the courthouse tomorrow and tell me if there is a continuance or not. If not I will be on an airplane Monday as soon as possible.I won't get that call until around noontime, the public defenders office is making the arrangements for the flight and paying for it. So I sit here in Arizona right now wondering if I will be in California tomorrow night. I will be by myself out there for the most part. I have a couple friends but they aren't going to stop their lives for a couple weeks. I on the other hand have no choice but to abandone my 3 younger children and husband. I don't know how long this will take plus if he is found guilty then there is the sentancing trial. This is so messed up. I was hoping to know the date of the trial weeks if not months in advance so I could plan around it as best as I could, so I could get some money. Oh heck I'm such a baby, I'm sorry! Forget it, I'm just wigging out right now waiting for this stupid phone call. How 'bout if I just wait for that call that should come in about 16 hours and I'll try to write then.
Peace to us all,
Kim Celler

Jeri,
How is your son? what happened in court? My sons was postponed 1 week!!!!
I may be in Cali tomorrow night. If I'm there maybe we could meet at OJC Friday or Saturday. Email me at cellermom@yahoo.com.
I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE YOU A BIG HUG! :)
The trial should last a couple weeks.
Sleep well Jeri and write please.
Kim C

Kim:
I just read your last posting and I am so sorry for you. It is Monday morning and I am thinking of you, hoping you don't get the call and have some time to plan. Beleive me, I know the hell you are going through and there is nothing you can do but focus on staying strong for your son. And you are not being a baby! It is so difficult for others to understand this nightmare unless they have gone through it. I know you are dreading the trial, that is certainly how I felt. We had two continuances and I actually was happy to have them on the one hand becasue it meant putting off the possibility that my husband could be found guilty, but on the other hand, I wanted it over so that we could move on. The trial was the hardest thing I have ever done and I know it will be hard for you, but you should know that at least one person (me) in Minnesota is praying for you and your son!
susanne

Hello Susanne,
It is a few minutes to noon right now, I did get a call about an hour ago and they said my son will not be in court until 1:30. So I sit and wait. We have been waiting since Dec. 31, 2002. There have been at least 5 continuances. But we knew it would take close to 2 years before he went to trial. It's just that this time the judge gave only 1 week.
Thanks for writing though, it's given me something to do writing back.
I do have to say I did not sleep well last night, the nightmares were horrible. It brought back what I went through when this happened. I couldn't eat - lost a lot of weight, I would wake up screaming at night, I just couldn't function at all.
Well I am gonna go stare at the phone for awhile talk to you later.
Peace,
Kim Celler

Kim:
Its tuesday, I pray for yoyr sake that you are not in CA. But if you are, know that I am praying for you and your son
Susanne

Dear Susanne,
No I'm not in Cali. They put it off until this Wed. 29. Hopefully it will go in Nov. I must say I am a wreck, actually I am hardly a human anymore. I don't like my attitude anymore.
I know this too shall pass but I don't really want it to cause I don't want to care about much anymore.
God Help Me,
Kim

This is a Message for All Mothers and wives of Prisoners of Love Community , My name is Ms Linda AKA Prophetess L. Sconiers and I have a sure word of Prophesy for you from the Lord !

Many of your son's and Daughters shall be delivered from prison before time said the Lord God almighty don't worry about the circumstance what it looks like even if he or she has been sentence already, know that I am the Lord thy God, I am coming to rip the case apart to deliver them for My glory, no prison can hold them down, I am coming to do this by the workings of miracles, I am coming now to expose every liar and to bring up every hidden evidence to prove there innocense and for those who are guilty My grace is sufficent remember I sent My son to die for the guilty, the charge has been dropped in heaven and I come now to drop it on Earth said your God, the God of Abraham , Isaac & Jacob .

God Bless everyone who reads this sure word of Prophesy .

My website : www.jesusivlife.org
Email : jesusivlife@pacbell.net
Ministry office # (323) 294-7322

Jesus IV Life, Inc
PO Box 56475
Los Angeles, CA 90056

Kim C.
I am glad that you did not have to rush off to CA. The limbo you are in is hell, I know, I've been there. I can't even tell you how to get through it, except that you have to do one day at a time, like everyone else here says. Do what you can to take care of yourself, pray if that sustains you, hug your kids, if that helps, or just come here and vent. I am sure that most of us who post here can say that they we have had days and times when we did not feel human, when we wanted it all to stop. Unfortunatly, it doesn't and we have to go forward. I know you can do it Kim, I did with my husband and though it was the hardest thing I have ever done, I somehow (and I really don't know how) made it. You and your son will be in my prayers.
Susanne

Just wanted to let whoever reads here that my sons trial date is to be Nov.16. I'm OK I guess. It's so hard doing this I thank all of you for your thoughts, messages and prayers. I really mean it, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have this place to come to and scream and rant and rave. Thank you all so very much.
Peace,
Kim C

Jeri,
I am praying for you and your sons.
Please Jeri write soon.
Sleep well my friend.
Love and Peace,
Kim C

Kim C;
Haven't heard from you in awhile, are you doing ok?
susanne

S, I'm OK. Just trying to take it easy and relax. I can do that as long as I feel like I have some control and knowing the date for the trial I feel like I have control. How are you? I do read the latest posts every few days, I get a lot of inspiration from everybody in other discussions. These people here are so strong, I'm glad they share because they are sharing their strength not just words.
Peace to All,
Kim

Kim:
I'm doing ok. Am going to g see my husband this weekend, I haven't seen him for a couple of months, so I am looking forward to that. Is it certain that the trial will go in November? the limbo is so hard, I hated the waiting and not knowing and of course dreaded having to sit in that courtroom. Stay strong!
susanne

I feel like I am losing my mind. I can not get my son out of my head. He is on his way to prison,convicted of molest and rape of family members.He has never been in trouble before, and says he did nothing.I feel ashamed, I saw the signs and ignored then thinking he would never do anything.I have to live with one of the family members he did this too,its so hard because she blames me everyday.I know in my heart he did do something but I dont know what.I want him to tell me. Am I nuts? Will he ever tell me?Does any one else have a similar situation.Lost Mom

Hey Anomymous:
First don't be ashamed, YOU didn't do anything wrong. Also, the truth is probably somewhere in between what you are hearing. I know from visiting other sites that the testimony at trial can often be blown WAY out of proportion. For right now, you may just have to accept that you may not know. If anything DID happen, your son is obviously not in a place where he can tell you. The local news in my hometown did this big interview thing with sex offenders last year and most of them admitted to feeling horribly ashamed of what they had done. So keep in mind that your son may just not be ready. Also, check out Prison Talk Online. They have a forum jsut for family members of sex offenders. I think the family member who is blaming you probably needs some therapy to get over this idea that yoou are to blame. AGAIN-- you did not do anything wrong.

To Susanne, thank you for responding. Since I wrote last alot has happened. The family member that blamed me is not mad at me any longer, we had a talk and its getting better. She is trying to see my side,(me being the mother of the convicted son and her being the victim)its hard but I guess we will take it day by day. It was easier being mad at her then dealing with what my son did to her. She was horrible to me but I understand her anger, she just has to realize no matter what my son did I still love him. This is so hard,her dad and I cant stand the attitude she has but I dont know its not from what my son did to her..........

call me "TOO LATE MOM." well, i found this site, i am alone and running out of money, taking samples of antidepressants and working overtime to stay afloat my mother has also spent a fortune. my son had a psychotic break and i thought an ngri not guilty reason insanity was the only way, well he decided to plead 6 mos ago and now he has changed his mind after i moved out of the house and put it up for sale just to get his 8 years back. he has been in county close to 3 years, he has "only" 4 yrs left. but, the way things work, he is talking crazy, like might as well spend the rest of his life in prison...he has two charges that add up to life, but he can not comprehend that. trial is going to devastate us. there are no men in the family. and no man to get involved. the lawyers do nothing but take everything they can and only give lies.

TOO LATE MOM-
I'm here. I understand about being alone, money gone and antidepressants all too well. I fear going to my sons trial, I dread it. My son has been in county for almost 2 years, if convicted he may get life. I am married but he is not involved (it seems to me men don't get involved much, it's much too emotional and messy for them). I definately know about lawyers, we had to switch to a public defender after money was depleted. I understand a lot of what you posted but I am not clear on your sons situation so please post again and explain. I'd really like to talk.
Peace,
Kim

I would like to hear from anyone who has a child in CRC (CALIF REHAB CENTER) AT NORCO or who has served time there. I am a writer looking into complaints of serious health problems the inmates are facing.
Please email me at nancyowho@hotmail.com
Thank you
nancy

Kim Celler, Hi, i am also afraid of my own shadow. So it is difficult for me to say more about personal things, especially here. What did the lawyers do for you with the fees they got, if you have a public pretender now. do you have any contact with the pd? will they talk to you. are you involved in your son's defense at all? Is your son's trial date set? When. etc.etc. I really want someone i can trust to trade notes with. i need a lawyer to represent me to my son's lawyers. ha ha

I just printed these 14 pgs. what does everyone here think of the idea of sending this to my son so i can try to change his mind about going to trial. with the threat (i guess we don't care about the expense- but it does hurt too)of life by the state and the judge does whatever the state wants or more. he "only has less than 2/3's to go" he's done 1/3 of his proposed bargain already. I know we are all scared of what could happen in there too. has anyone had any bad stories of what is happening inside "real" prison. He said, "he'll either get railroaded or the truth will come out" a paralegal said, Risk vs "Benefit?"

hey jenell and toni- please let us reap from your pain and experience back in 2001- that's when i should have been smart enough to get my adult son some psyc help.and not be a penny pincher. well look what my life has come to and what i am doing to my mother and his brother. thank god my dad is not here to see this. how do you find out about an appeal process. isn't this the time to start, before they get convicted. if you still come to this post please write. let us know how you are doing.

TOOLATEMOM,My son was arrested almost 2 years ago,New Years Eve 2002. I found out about his arrest when my friends came over with a newspaper article about him being arrested for the murder of his roommate. I was hysterical, didn't know what to do. He was only 20. It took a few days to be able to visit him. they had put him in suicide watch, a cell by himself, naked, no blankets, only a hand towel to cover his nakedness. He wasn't eating. I think they were trying to break him, he was in there for over 2 weeks. My husband and I did not know what had happened we couldn't get any info. Finally my husband (son's stepfather) got an attorney, $10,000.00 up front. We kept paying more and more money. That only got us to the Preliminary trial, thats where the courts decide if there is enough to keep him and go to trial. That was a joke. I found out that lawyers want a win no matter what and that means that he didn't want the prosecution to get what they wanted. Prosecution wants 1st degree murder so the Defense will take 2nd degree murder as a win. That was unacceptable! We also later found out that this whole trial was going to cost us maybe in the hundreds of thousands. One of the hardest things I had to do was tell my son we could no longer afford the lawyer and he would have to go with a P.D.
No we don't talk to the attorney but we are in contact with the investigator. But I don't think he knows whats going on. No one does!
I have lost count of the continuances for his trial, in the last 2 years I have been ready to go about 5 times. They would continue it about every 3 months. Now it's every month. Actually they just went to court on the 5th for discovery to find out if they are going to start trial on the 16th. The judge did not continue it so they are supposed to go on the 16th, but they won't!!! they will ask for Dec. 6th. I have to be ready at the very last minute to fly from Arizona to California by myself to go to my sons trial. I will be leaving my 4 other chidren and husband for I think about 2 weeks for the trial. If he is convicted than there is the sentancing in which I get to go up and beg for mercy on my sons behalf by myself again. He will be facing life in prison. I want you to know I keep wondering when this is actually going to kill me. When this first happened I lost so much weight, the nightmares waking up screaming in the middle of the night, the Valium, the constant crying, the fights with my husband, trying to explain to my young kids what was going on ...... well anyways I can manage now sort of between court dates but when a court date rolls around I start freaking out. Except this one on the 16th, a couple days from now, I don't feel anything. I think something broke in me and I'm not sure if that's good.
I don't like calling you TOOLATE. If you are too late we all are. I think I like MOM better!
Peace to all Moms,
Kim C

Jeri my friend how are you? I hope the trial went well for your son. Sept. 20th wasn't it?
I just want you to know that you are not forgotten.
Love and Peace,
Kim C

Kim,
Thanks so much for writing. Is there anyway to write to you privately ie email. I don't know how this site works. If I click on the email everyone will see it. I don't know if that matters. I don't know if anything matters. Do you have an email that you get private msgs.

"I don't like calling you TOOLATE. If you are too late we all are" I thought of that from a book Before ItsToo Late, that I borrowed from the first forensic psychologist I hired, who lied and distorted what I said so probably what he said, then I hired the expensive psyc to convince the state psyc on our side so my son could go to a state hospital "indefinitely" , well that didn't happen, like he said, "the CJS just doesn't work like that." And he tagged me as a meddler.

"One of the hardest things I had to do was tell my son we could no longer afford the lawyer and he would have to go with a P.D" I am at that point now. The lawyers and doctors want extra trial money. Well maybe we can dish that out of course they will want it up front. But I think that will be the end. Even a private PSI wants $5000. I don't need to destroy my mother any more. I have not talked to any of my family members in almost 3 years now, but my mother and my son(s)

"No we don't talk to the attorney but we are in contact with the investigator". When I hired the attorney that I have now he was recommended by a pi, but to my dismay, I feel that I have been, am being betrayed by both of them. They work together and said I had to hire the pi because the pi worked for the lawyer and the pi is with the atty everytime I see them. They investigate me and do what the state wants. So I no longer have anything to do with them. But, with what is impending, I guess I'll have to. I wanted my mother to do it all, but she is really soft and I am crumbling.

"I want you to know I keep wondering when this is actually going to kill me". I just told my mother that this is going to kill us both, and she agreed. I don't want to kill my mother. I keep wishing it would kill me and esp. when I feel heart pains, but then I want to wait until I buy life insurance so I can leave something.

"Except this one on the 16th, a couple days from now, I don't feel anything. I think something broke in me and I'm not sure if that's good." I started taking the anti d again when I was going to cry at work. And whenever, I laugh, or am the least bit happy, I know it is the pills, and when I start to feel, I tell myself to stop-that I must function, and I am always asking myself what I should do next.

Do you think it would be wrong to send my son a printout of the posts up to when I posted, so he can see what the mother's are going thru, and be reminded of the injustice and his chances. Right now he has a positive attitude about trial. I feel it is a false hope. He is now trapped in the system and has adjusted like the ones who want to be there because he said he doesn't care if he spends the rest of his life there. He wants to fight or die. That reminds me what the lawyer said, "do you want your son to die in prison" how can they say that?

Kim and Anymous:
I am so sorry for both of you. The system and the palyers in the system (the attonreys) are cold and cruel. My husband was convicted and we were both positive about the trial. He had a dealon the table with only 60 days in jail. Well, he got convicted and got 8 years. I would say, take the deal. The success rate of prosecutors is VERY HIGH, evne if the evidence is weak. I think jurors think that people would not be on trial unless there was a good chance that they are guilty. Also, I think printing out the web pages and post is a good idea. I know that the guys are hurting on the inside, but they have no clue what we go through

Dear Susanne & Kim
thanks for writing. My son is not changing his mind. yes it is a stacked game. admit to being guilty and we will give you xyz and/or never let you out of the system. well, i'm home from work after shopping at 3am and writing to you. i just had to check in before whatever. how could this happen to us. Don't feel, just eat, work, sleep, and pretend. But what to do next.
If gov. Ryan felt the dire need to release everyone from death row in Indiana. How many of them are absolutely innocent. How many more across the other states. Then how many lifers and lessers are absolutely innocent? From officer to sheriff to prosecutor, to judge- they just want everyone to know that they are doing a great job. and the rest don't care.
my new name is asonsmom.

to all
oh yea, i remember working a couple or years ago and was able to watch tv. the movie about the Cali witch hunts was on. the film was like a documentary of what dcf was/is doing: 2 boys coerced into convicting their parents of abuse. well, when the youngest reached 18, he got the parents out, the grandmother had already died. the credits said that there are still many more people locked up in prison still from those "witch hunts"

Head of Fla. Child Agency Resigns
... them by interviewing the DCF and the caretakers to make ... defense attorney in San Jose, California. " In one fell ... Snedeker, who track prosecutorial witch hunts against parents in their ...
www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/ 732594/posts -

also if anyone wants statistic or other info, go to sentencingproject.org and choose from a topic of interest. go to publications then to sentencing law and policy. Review articles on disparity or "Mentally Ill Offenders in the Criminal Justice System: An Analysis and Prescription, The Sentencing Project (2002)" and others or you can read them or print them there or order from the sentencing store.

when do i inform? who do i send it to? NOW! EVERYONE! or do i stay complacent and blinded.
anonomous l y

ASonsMom,
Hello, Yes of course you can write me. cellermom@yahoo.com
I think sending the printouts might give him a new perspective maybe. I too printed the posts up for a project in a class I was taking, it was a collage about me. The class was all women in transition. I tell you when they saw mine there was not a dry eye in the class. they came away from it with new and different thoughts and feelings about prisons and prisoners and the people like us who if not hated are forgotten.
Did you catch the Scott Petterson Verdict on TV?
The crowd booed Scotts mom. AND she was there alone, her husband wasn't there or the attorney.
Regardless of what Scott did I feel absolutely sick for his mother, in fact I did actually get sick when it sunk in what was happening to her.
I tell you this experiance has changed me so much. I wont get involved with anything that is emotional and messy again, I want to live my life in La La Land like everyone else. I will turn my back and walk away. My husband is doing it, my friends are doing it. I cannot believe I will be doing this by myself. You guys are my only support and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. OK maybe I am freaking out, it is close to the 16th isn't it?!!
ASonsMom please write.

Susanne you make me feel like I am being hugged :)

My prayers are with all of you,
Peace,
Kim C

HEY KIM
I don't watch TV by myself. I can't take it. Did they find Lacy's blood in the boat? Oh, it is the 16th and my heart goes out to you. I wish i was there holding your hand. we have a docket soon, and he will be there. he was telling me on a visit what he was going to say as if they were going to let him talk. o well, my turn is coming.
i made curtains today on my day off. gee it's about time to take a pill. you better take 2.
you should hire someone to go with you. an adult babysitter! no malice intended, just common sense, i don't think i can do it. what you have to do now.
ALL MY COMPASSION IS WITH YOU.asonsmom

asonsmom,
You are so funny! I do need a babysitter!
I got the call I was waiting for today, They have continued the trial until Dec. 6th.
The investigator called me---he had to call the courts to find out what happened because the attorney didn't even call him!!
Now I'll get a call tonight from my son, he hates going to all these court dates because they don't even bring him into court, they just leave him in the holding cell for 10 or 12 hours. He will be all upset and not knowing whats going on 'cause the attorney doesn't seem to think she needs to talk to him either! And it's time to get my life jacket out--I see the rapids ahead!!!

Sleep in peace tonight my friend,
Kim

111904 visit Here I am
he sang me a song he won't send me, because of copywrite, here I am. Here I am. Here I am. A song of me reading the bible to them about isaac and he said to the angel, here I am. He could see my face and hear my voice as when I read to them. Tears streamed down my face.

Kim, I see your son is still waiting trial, how well i know your thoughts and feelings. My son did have his trial and was sentenced to 3 years. It seems like a life time. I went to see him today the wait was bad and I was antsy. The jailers have been messing with him since sentencing and of course he got into some trouble yesterday so he is not soing so well. He is getting shipped out this comming week so I had to see my baby. All I have done today i cry, i think it is really getting to me.. I can't believe both of my sons are now in prison, I don't think I could hurt any more. I guess I have been feeling sorry for myself and granddaughters we miss them both so very much. I would just like to a hug from one of my sons. I hope you are holding up well, this is something no mother should have to go through. God bless you and you son, and I will try to the chat more often. Just have not been feeling like anything. Jeri

Hi Jeri!
I'm glad you checked in. I was thinking about you all the time, didn't know what happened in court for you guys. At least that part is over, and you know the end is in 3 years (whatever comfort that is). I'm hanging in there I guess I really don't have a choice now do I? I'm really trying to work on the peace and serenity thing.
The continuances for trial come every couple weeks now, the next date is I think the 6th of Dec. and then they will put off until Jan. 6 or 10. I am trying to prepare myself for Life in prison. I just don't want to see his face when they say it. Oh well and life goes on and all that crap, what can I say???
Check in once in awhile OK Jeri? My thoughts are always with you. Maybe it's best that you cry for awhile.
With Love to You,
Kim C

Everyone,

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Peace,
Kim C

Hello everyone,
It's the 6th of Dec. and my sons court date. I am actually doing very well! He called me last night, I didn't answer the first 2 times he called. My husband was all over me when the phone bill came in a few days ago. Over a $100.00. But when he called the third time I answered and I'm glad I did, he thought I had left for Cali because his lawyer asked him if he was ready for trial on the 6th. They haven't prepared him at all, there is no clothes for him to wear to trial and she told him she was postponing until Jan. So it seems no one knows whats going on as usual. I can't believe I'm so calm. I feel good!!?! I'm not sure why. I think God is taking care of me : )
I'll keep you all informed.

Peace,
Kim C

Well the judge was too busy yesterday so he is going back to court today. So I'm trying to keep busy and listen for the phone. The investigator seems to think they will put it off until Jan. we will see. I'm still doing OK.

Peace,
Kim C

http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=crooked+judges&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8

Government Experiments in Mind Control
... victim of crooked judges. 11/30/2004 4:10 AM ... victim of crooked judges. 11/30/2004 3:16 AM ...
groups.msn.com/GovernmentExperimentsinMindControl/messageboard.msnw - 54k -

http://groups.msn.com/GovernmentExperimentsinMindControl/general.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=2441&LastModified=4675500829118856371

Hello,
The latest news I have is that my sons court date is now Jan. 10th. I hope this is it, we need to move on, it will be 2 years and 10 days he has been sitting in County Jail.
Please pray for us to keep strong. Thank you.
Peace,
Kim C

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!
Peace,
Kim C

Kim, It truly is amazing how strong we can be. One more Holiday gone by with out my two boys, I don't know if it gets any easier.
They transfered my sone 2 weeks ago out to Wasco I received a letter from him the other day. He can make no calls from there I believe he is there until the decide where they are going to send to to finish out his sentence. I am so sorry to hear that they have once again posponed your sons trial date, if he is anything like both of my boys he just wants to get it over and done so he can move on. I think and pray for you often and to keep strong but I also know it is hard. If you figure out the peace and serenity thing let me know! You are in my thoughts and prays..............Jeri

Jeri my friend hello!
I think of you probably every day. You are in my prayers also. Did your son say how he was doing? I do hope he is adjusting. My son says he would rather be in prison then in county and wants to get this whole thing over with. He called me the other night and told me they will be asking for another continuance on the 10th. Actually they will ask if they (Defense) can test the DNA evidence all over again because there is 3rd party DNA involved, meaning it's not my sons DNA. Prosecution does not want to hand it over and does not want anymore continuances either. Anyways I guess if they test it over again it could take months. So who knows when they finally make it to trial.
Let me know where your son ends up, my son will probably be San Quentin if he is convicted. His spirits are up and he sounded good which I'm grateful for. I still am doing good, I occasionally slip and fall but I'm picking myself up a lot faster and refocusing.
Jeri I think 'gratitude' is part of the secret. There really is so much to be grateful for, I took an awful lot for granted. I have also stopped praying for a lighter load, I now pray for a stronger back.
Peace,
Kim C

MY NAME IS STEVE

HAPPY NEW YEAR MY FRIENDS!
Peace,
Kim C

Hey where is everybody? Jeri you there?
I am here as always.
Peace,
Kim C

STEVE, PLEASE DO NOT WRITE THOSE TYPE OF THINGS IN THIS WEBSITE. GO TO ANOTHER WEBSITE TO TALK NASTY....
DON'T DISRESPECT THE PEOPLE WHO READ THIS WEBSITE FOR SUPPORT..
THANK YOU

Once again my sons trial has been continued until Feb. 28th. 2 years and 2 months and still waiting.

Peace,
Kim C

To whom may concern: I bean readen about your proublem about your son. you dont no this yet but you will when the time come. do you no why? and do you no when ? and do you no why come you gonna throw what you are gonna throw. well I am tell you why and how it"s because God is looking at you. feb is leafe year I am a morther also and my son he being in prison so meany time and as morther and God on my side God have you in the pawn of your hand do you no why come you are come and cool it's because God have you where he want you at. and you run from that the month feb come your he is not get life and he is ready done time.before this year is up your son will be comen home tell God thank's when i start readen this i have'nt heard you saying any thing about God you did'nt ask why or why us me and my family because it not about you and your son it's about your family you see what the a bad person meant for evil God meant for the good my son he stay in trouble and i cry for the three time i just cry the first time i cry when he went to jail then he got out then the next time he went to jail i cry then the 3th time he went in icry but I cry but not as much like the first two time I Learn to put my trust in God not no man God he turn it around in to good when it seam like it ugly it will be all right keep your head up ok take care God he on your side ok name Donna

Donna,
God is looking at me, I know that. I also know everything and I mean everything in the past, present and future is all connected. People everywhere and through all times are connected.
I cannot be so selfish to think my life is more important than anyone else's. We all have a part in the play and all parts are equally important. The "why me?" question never came up because someone has to play this part, it's part of my life. I will try to keep my head up.

Peace,
Kim C

Kim, So sorry to hear about yet another continuance.. I too think of you often hoping for things to move on. I am going to see my oldest son this weekend, the first time since Aug 2003, and having s many emotions going on at the same time. Scared, anxious, and excited, just hope i don't just sit and cry. I will let you know how thing go when I get back. My best to you.
Jeri

Jeri Hello,
I know what you mean about all the emotions it's crazy isn't it? You probably will cry but they will be happy tears just to see your son. Are you going by yourself? I would be very scared to go too.
I have been told that my son was measured for a suit to wear to court so I guess the trial will be soon. I was also told that the attorney and the investigator are flying out here to Arizona to see us, I am not sure why. On the 28th of Feb. they are going to ask for another judge and supposedly they will go to trial about 2 weeks later. I will believe that when I'm sitting in the courtroom!! Anyways I am doing OK emotionally but physically my body decided to start falling apart. If it's not one thing it's another, I'm telling you I think I've had enough! Tomorrow I go in for MRI's on my brain and spine. I've been having some problems with my nerves I guess in my arms and head. Doc said he wants to rule out MS. So I'm off to another adventure in life. Wish me luck tomorrow.
Peace,
Kim

My heart goes out to all of you,
My husband was sentenced to 2 years in prison for basically being a drug user, he is ADHD, we don't have money for an attorney or medical insurance to get proper medical attention, so state prison is the courts way of solving his problem. The public defenders aren't there for us, they're working for the state.
Anyways, I don't know anything about how the prison system works, and would like to know how I can get information on what is going on with him. I don't even know for sure what I can and can not send him. I have had no contact with him since he's been in, I have sent letters, but have not gotten a response back. Can anyone help me out with some information.
Thanks,
Tanya

Tanya,
I haven't gotten that far in the system yet so I don't know how to help you, but the ladies that post on the 'Discussion Group for those waiting for their husbands' know a lot. Post a message there I'm sure you'll get a response.
Take Care.
Peace,
Kim C

Tanya,

I believe you can contact the prison itself to find out
what you can and can't send. He may not be writing
you back because he doesn't have stamps. I live in
Virginia and the DOC here has a web site where you
can find out info about each facility. this may help. I
usually post on the discussion for those waiting for their
husbands. Its a great site - we would love to have you
post there.

Ceil

CELLERMOM JUST KEEP YO HEAD UP I DID A BID
BEFORE JUST TAKE EVERYYHING ONE DAY AT A
TIME AND EVERYTHING WILL BE GRAVY

I hope so 'cause I love gravy !!
I love you guys.

Peace,
Kim C

i have a son in prison in florida and im 586 miles away in tennessee i miss him so much i talk to him 2 a week the phone bill are so bad i cant aford it but i will keep talking to him no matter what i cant wait till he comes home which will be aug 27 2005 this year 7 more long mon.but i will promis i will never go to the st. of florida angain as long as i live its a bad st. he had 2 pills on him on the beach at bike week he got 22 mon. in prison i ask the judge was he the only one on that beach that had anything on them and he laught at me and said no but your son is the only one who got caught so dont go to fl if your for out of state they will get you i know thanks for this it really heps to read that im not the only one who love her son that much feel free to email me at beckymoo@tds.net
becky

Jeri,
Did you get your visit? I've been thinking of you all weekend. I hope everything went well.
Peace,
Kim

Kim, YES.....I did get to visit both saturday and sunday, It was so hard. The visditing process is crazy I did not like it at all but I guess it was worth it to get the hugs and kisses i have been missing for the past 2 years. I took my granddaughter (8) with me so she could too visit her daddy. The weekend was very emotional and long for the both ou us, the drive was 6 hours and just the waiting for visiting was bad. Hope all is going well with your health, this does take its toll on us, be strong, I am trying to. talk to you soon. Jeri

Tanya, you can go to http://www.accesssecurepak.com/ and there you can see what items you can order for you son. all you need is the name of prison and his Inmate number it has a list of everything they need. you can not send any packages from home, at least not here in california. If you need help let me know. good luck to you. Jeri

Tanya,
Where is your husband?
Have you sent him any metered envelopes?
If he is at a Reception Center like one of my boys they can not call. but you can sent envelopes to him so he can write. I don't know a whole lot but you can contwact me and I will answer as many questions as possible for you I know it is hard I have both of my boys in the syltem now.

Jeri

Hi Jeri, hugs and kisses sound so good. I am happy for you. I haven't heard from my son for awhile and started worrying, I emailed the investigator and he called my sons girlfriends mother. Evidently I have been replaced! She or her daughter talks to him every night I guess. I'm glad he has someone but I miss him. She told him Skylar was doing good, a little depressed last weekend but OK.
I am having more tests on my arms today, I hope I get some answers on whats going on with me. I've had the MRI's on my brain and spine but they haven't called me with results. I've been taking some pills that make me feel weird, kind of detatched. My arms are getting worse but I'm still hanging in there. Anyways I will keep posting as long as I can make my arms work.

Peace, Kim C

I just wanted to check in and tell all of you thanks from the bottom of my heart.
I don't have much to say anymore and I don't feel well. I will still check in to see how you guys are doing though.
Thank you much.
Love,
Kim C

I don't know if this will even help me but it's awful hard to have my son incarceated and be alone in the wait for him to come home.Just getting out of bed is hard enough the daily stuff work etc. is nearly unbearable.I wondered if there was any group of parents of imprisoned children to chat and vent and for some support.I don't think this is what this place is but I thought I'd try.

I NEED SOME MODIVATION I REALLY MISS MY BROTHER I TRY TO STAY STRONG BUT IM SO WEAK. I,VE DONE VISITED LESS THEN IM SOPPOSE TO BUT MY MOM GOES EVERY MTH. IT HURTS TO GO THERE KNOWN HE CANT LEAVE WITH ME. I EVEN GOT LONG DISTANCE SO HE CAN CALL ME AS HE PLEASES I GO CRAZY IF I CANT AT LEAST HEAR HIS VOICE. MY BROTHER WENT TO PRISON AT THE AGE OF 20,HES DONE 2 YEARS FOR SHARING A INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH A FEMALE WHO LIED ABOUT HER AGE. HES LABLED AS A CHILD MOLESTOR IN PRISON, AND I HEAR THE PRISON RUMORS AND I GET NIGHTMARES.RAPE IN PRISON SCARES ME.I KNOW I SHOULNT THINK LIKE THAT BUT I CANT HELP IT. HE TELLS ME HES OKAY. MY BROTHER NEVER BEEN IN PRISON BEFORE THIS IS HIS FIRST TIME. I PRAY EVERYDAY AND HE DOES NEED MODIVATING PENPALS SO IF THATS U PLEASE WRITE (ROY MARSHALL JR.)MACON STATE PRISON-OGLTHORPHE,GA 31068 SOID#1091620-514750/D-2

Anonymous hello and welcome!
Yes you have come to the right place. I'm here always, I have a son in jail and awaiting trial. He has been in for over 2 years now. He is now 23 or will be on the 26th of Feb. If you would like to email me I'm at cellermom@yahoo.com or we could talk here. If you would like to get to know me or some of what I have been through just read through these messages, I started posting Jan. 30,2004. I have to say that without this message board I don't know where I'd be. It's a little slow these days people aren't posting much but like I said I'm here. Write back, let me know where you are from, I live in Arizona.
Peace,
Kim C

Hello Kim and andy one else out there,
It's Friday another week has passed, Kim I hope you are feeling well. My youngest son has been moved and from what he has said he got lucky he is in a medium community correctional facility and is not confined to a cell any longer. He was a little dissapointed to find he had to do 85% of this time so his release is July 06. The oldest son has 88 days left. This is all good but I am still hurting daily. How is your sons case going? Did his attorny come to see you? Are they going to trial soon? keep me posted on how everything is going. I think of you very often almost daily while I am thinking of my boys because I know you are thinking of you son too. Have a good weekend and talk to you soon. Jeri

Jeri,
It is good! Your sons will be home soon, this is good, real good. I don't even know where to begin telling you about my son. I'm so mixed up with the mumbo jumbo the investigator tells me that I don't really listen let alone believe what he tells me. First of all the lawyer didn't even know anything about coming out here according to my son when he asked her about it. So the investigator lied to me about that.
My son has had many court dates since last I wrote. Prosecution just plain refused to give evidence over to be tested by the defense even though the judge ordered it. They have been trying to get it for over 6 months, well they finally gave it to them and they took it down to get tested but the guy just through it up on a shelf and forgot about it. The judge was mad that they were taking too long and ordered them to start trial! Supposedly they got a new judge and Skylar goes back to court on Monday but this judge has 2 other cases to do (maybe) on Monday so he might be starting on Wed. but judge goes on vacation in 2 weeks and the lawyer is now saying they didn't really need this DNA evidence anyways that is why they were fighting over this for 6 mos.???? anyways if you followed any of what I said then you are understanding this much better than I. So here we go again around and around and around. I tried calling the attorney and left her a message but she won't call me back.
I have been seeing Doctors and having tests for my arms, anyways I do not have MS, thank you God. But I have bulging disks in my neck which may be causeing some nerve problems but not bad enough for surgery, thank you again God. Plus carpel tunnel syndrome. I'm on meds but I don't know if they help a whole lot and I'm having physical therapy 3xs a week.
So there you have it. It's almost laughable really. I wonder if my son has ANY idea what I have gone through and continue to go through.
I need to let go.
It would be so much easier if I were mad at him.

Peace to you my friend,
Kim C

To All,
After 2 years and 2 months trial has started for my son Skylar.I missed the first day and half of the next of trial because no one called to let me know until the evening of the first day. I was rushed to the airport Tuesday morning and made it to court during the lunch break. I sat through 1 1/2 days of court and rushed back to the airport to go home Wednesday night. I leave again Monday morning. I am drained. I know now why people sit in court with stone faces.
I now am dealing with my husband for the weekend. I think that I might not come back home after this court case, it's too much trouble.

Kim C

Hi I also have a son in jail 33,he is waiting to be sentenced,we think he will get 12 yrs.We are so upset.The PD never tells us anything,sometimes they say he is going to court and on several ocassions I have sat in court waiting for my son and he never came out.Imagine sitting there and listening to the judge toss these guys a side and throw away the key,my nerves were ao bad,then I would have to get up and leave abd do it all over agaun the next time they give him a court date.
I am glad I have this place,it is nice not to feel alone.

Kim, This is your friend Corinna. Thank you for showing me this website. You are not alone. You have more people than you know that Love & support you till the end of time. I know this is a difficult time for you. Although I can never even begin to think of what you might be thinking or feeling. The closest my imagination can come is almost unbearable. My heart is heavy, and I have a feeling of complete unbelief, let down, sadness at what I thought at one time was a fair and honest judicial system. There is nothing that can be done once any case is put in the hands of the "so called experts" So much is left out, not allowed, hidden, & down right LIED about! No-one really wants the truth, just a win. Anybody will do, even if it's not the right person. I have known Skylar since he was 3/4 years old, and I will forever know in my heart, no matter what happens in the next few days, He in no way was even remotely cappable of pulling off what our "great country" has claimed he did. Shame on you Prosecution of Orange Couty California! This is the worst investigation I have ever seen or heard about. Who ivestigates a murder & doesn't dust for fingerprints? I would have never believed this myself if I hadn't been spending the last few days at the Skylar Tree Carlson case & heard it for my own ears by lead investigator Detective Fulcher of Santa Ana PD, Orange County CA. No we did not take any fingerprints of the residence, well yes, we took fingerprints off the doorknob on the floor, but only after the request of the defense after 10 months were they tested. Kim, I love you more than I can possibly ever express. Skylar, I love you more than you will ever know. It's not over till the fat lady sings, & I may never sing again. Corinna

To all,
My son was convicted of 1st degree murder last Wednesday at 1:55PM. I haven't gone home to Arizona yet.
I'm tired.

Skylar Tree Carlsons Mom,
Kim C

Kim,

I post at the site for wives, but often read the posts here. My heart goes out to you. Know that we who post on the other sites are here for you too.

Ceil

Ceil,
Thank you. I just got home from California so now I make the transition to mommy and wife.
I'm numb. This doesn't seem real, it can't be. I visited Skylar on Sunday before I left and I will never forget the look in his eyes, it will haunt me forever, it was pure fear.
I have basically shut down.

Kim C

I have been home only for a few days. My husband and I can't talk to each other without fighting. I don't know what to do. Right away he brought up what we were going to do for Easter. He wanted to know if we were going to have a big Easter dinner with invited guests or were we going to Sedona on a camping trip with friends. Plus he thinks I should have some girls over for a slumber party for my daughter this Friday. For Gods sake I just came back from a murder trial in which my son was convicted of 1st degree murder and which he probably be given Life.
I'm so confused, am I supposed to just snap out of this? am I wrong for being upset or angry that this happened? My brain is just twisting around and around, I'm so freakin confused and angry. All I want is drugs. Drugs to calm me and make me indifferant to everything, I don't want to feel anything anymore. God is nowhere to be found. I am in Hell.

Kim C

Hello to all you ladies, I am a 31yr old man from the south. I've read this whole site from top to bottom. It truly reliefs my soul to know i'm not alone. The difference is im actually being accused of Conspiracy in a federal Drug case. Noted I hadn't been caught doing anything the thought killed me. Just to know someone i knew included me in such a thing. I have kids and a family. I have many worries myself about going to jail which brings me to this site. I think the hardest part is leaving the world which i love so much. Its hard to imagine not seeing the world and having the somewhat free will to do whatever. I never have been in any serious trouble nor have I been to prison. This being my first offense. I have a kidney disease which adds even more fear to my situation. I just think about how i take care of myself and after going to the county jail it was totally depressing. My heart goes out to you folks all of you and me being a man of god pray for all. My faith as been tested so many times through this and its been going on for about 6 months now. The case was so against me I was forced to say I did things that I actually didnt do. Which really hurt me worst of all. Its hard to convict yourself of a crime and tell lies on yourself. But to save ones life if it depended on it I wonder what others would do. My life until now has been of good report. I'm no criminal at all and I have a heart for all. I forgive those that have imposed all the drama against me. But now I am faced with a 20yr. sentence as being a supplier of a drug conspiracy. My days are filled with studing and getting knowledge of the fate that is ahead. Fear overwhelms my life now and who I was seems so hard to find. I miss me and my life. But I take it God has different plans for me. I know I have never been through such depression in my life. And I have questioned my own life at times. Until realizing the devil does have powers to mislead us. I don't know my immediate reason for posting but I really hear you Kim C and I will pray for you and your son. I have a few weeks until I'm sentenced and my mind runs wild with all kinds of concerns. I ask all of you to pray for me and my outcome. Please!! god bless

Jay,
I'm here.I will pray for you and your family.
Dear Jay be strong.....oh I am so sorry. Are you with your children and wife now? How old are your kids? Write soon, I check this site almost daily.

Sleep well tonight Jay,
Peace,
Kim C

Happy to hear a voice here. Thanks Mrs Kim C. I need some support and prayer. Yes I'm home with my wife and 2kids. Madison 3 and matthew 2. Today is good Friday so happy holiday to all and god bless. I prayed for you and your family also. my email is listed if you need to reach out and please write back on forum soon.

Jay,
Would you mind writing out your email address here because I'm not very savvy with this computer stuff and have a problem clicking on your name to send you a private email.
Jay you must be very scared.I don't know what to say about your situation. Maybe you could email me at cellermom@yahoo.com I would like to know, if you don't mind, about what put you in this situation. I will be waiting to hear from you.
And of course I will be praying constantly.

Peace,
Kim C

Jay,
I'm here and still praying for you and your family. I wanted to let you know that you posting here has somehow helped me to regain my peace and serenity. It's strange how God works.

Thank You Jay,
Kim C

I'm not doing too good. Can't sleep, I wake up angry. Not motivated to do anything. No appetite. Sometimes I start crying and then I can't stop. When is this going to end?

Kim C

Kim,

It sounds like you are grieving. I know how upset I was when the judge said my husband had to do 6 years. I can't imagine the sentence you had to hear. God is with you. Somewhere in all this pain know that. God will work in your son's life in prison. Are you taking any kind of antidepressant? It might help if you aren't. You are in one of those dark places that few people understand and no one can really feel your pain. This is when we need God the most. There is a song out now that says "sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes He calms His child" or something like that. I am praying right now that God will touch you right where you are and you will feel some peace. Heavenly Father, Kim is in so much pain right now and only You can carry it for her. Let her know that you have not abandoned her. She needs to feel that. Her pain is overwhelming her and she needs to know that You are with her. I pray that as you read this, Kim, that you will feel God's presence, if only for this short time. Just enough to give you some peace and some hope. God does love you and he knows that pain you are feeling because he watched his own son be beatened and humiliated and killed. Call you church if you have one or let me know and I will try to find one in your area. God is the only answer in this situation, because the world is telling you that it is over. God can do miracles and anything is possible. Take care.

Ceil

Ceil,
I just feel so alone. I can't even imagine what my son is going through. Everybody thinks I should just get over it, how can I? It's not like he is dead and I will grieve for awhile and slowly but surely learn to live with it or accept it. It's as if he did die but comes back alive to die again and again. There will be appeals and all that kind of stuff that brings him back to life. Also the phone calls and I'm the only one in the family that writes him. No one talks about him and they don't appreciate me bringing him up. Everyone gets to forget but me.

Thanks Ceil I know things will get better one day
but...
I don't even know what to say.

Kim C

Hi everyone, I have read all your posts and my heart goes out to you all. I too am a mother who feels like I am in hell, my 20 year old son just got sentenced to 8 years in AZ state prison. He has been in county jail for 5 months, everything went pretty fast as he signed a plea bargin (the best he could get) After reading some of your posts I guess I should feel lucky that it is only 8 years,but this is killing me. I cannot imagine being without him for this long and he is so young. The best years of his life are going to go by in that place and I am so worried about his safety in there. He will be in a high minimum yard with some not so nice people. Right now he is in that transition period from county to state where he is not allowed to call or write home. They say it could take up to 2 weeks before he gets to where he is going to be sent and then he can write only. I am used to him calling every day and I am worried sick. Somehow hearing his voice everyday and made things a little better. I feel like a part of me has died, and I worry that I may not live to see my son out of this place or that he will not live to get out of there. I found this website by accident but am so glad I did. Kim I cannot imagine what you are feeling with all you are going through. Mine seems like nothing compared to that, but it is still the most awful thing I have experienced. I fight constantly with my husband (his step father) about the money I have spent(lawyer) (phone calls collect) etc etc. I guess if it was his son he would feel different. I am at the point I am ready for a divorce, he says my son means more to me than him. I am beyond caring or fighting about this, I feel he is making a bad situation more difficult on me. Am I wrong to feel this way? I am confused!!!!!!

Darla,
Chills just went down my back reading your post. My God, Darla, you are me!! Are you in Arizona? I am in Gilbert which is below Mesa in the Phoenix Metro area. Darla you have to write me back, every word you wrote I TOTALLY understand. Email me at cellermom@yahoo.com if you wish or post here. I am waiting.

Kim C

Kim,
Yes I am in Arizona, New River just North of Phoenix on the I17. Nice to see someone responded to my post. Tonight I am going through pure hell!!! Just got home 9PM was home earlier but hubby and his mouth I could not stand anymore, every time I turn around no matter what the problem he throws my son in my face. I have been drinking alot (not usually me) I dont know what to do anymore I am going crazy here. I love my son and I dont care what anyone says I am so worried and at this point I still have not heard from him!!! The last thing I need is another problem, I thought husbands were suppose to be supportive??? Not mine!!! Does yours act that way??? Try and make you feel like trash? By the way how is your son> Have you heard from him or has be been sentenced yet? I cannot imagine what you must be going through with him facing a sentence on those charges. I feel like I am losing myself Kim, like nothing is real. Do you feel that way? Does it ever stop hurting?

Darla,
I don't now if it ever stops hurting. All I know is that it kind of comes and goes depending on what is going on with my son. As you probably know from reading my posts my son was in County jail for over 2 years waiting for his trial. I'd say the first 5 months after he was arrested was unbearable. I was taking so much Valium. I lost an incrediable amount of weight. I would wake up screaming which was pretty scary. I also have 4 other children which are now 18, 13, & twins that are 11. My husband is stepfather to my 2 oldest. He came into their lives when they were 7 & 3 so he has been around for most of their lives. He is a great guy, good provider, good man. But is a man (emotionally retarded) you know what I mean. Husbands are not supportive. They are fixers and when they can't fix it I think they just block it out. All I want my husband to do is hold me like there is no tomorrow and get mad with me (not at me). He tries to make me feel better by saying Skylar is fine where he is at but you and I know they are far from fine. It is a scary place, a dangerous and deadly place. They are our children. I let myself think about it sort of but I am having to learn not to because I'm afraid I might go insane. On the other hand when I block thoughts of my son out I feel tremendous guilt and that causes insanity too, so I guess I am not gonna win.
You are in that very bad spot of waiting to hear from your son, that causes a lot of anxiety. You want to know that things are OK or as OK as it is going to get. I can accept this situation better when I know my son is OK but when I hear of bad things from him I freak out. I think when your son gets to his prison and gets settled and it's not as bad as you and probably he thinks it might be you will feel so much better.
My sons sentancing date is April 29th but I think they will push it out farther and milk it as long as they can. Which only puts off the inevitable. Then I will be in your place waiting for him to be placed at a prison. And then getting used to a new place. This is going to be a long road! I sometimes have to envision it as a river I must float down. If I panic and fight the current I will surely drown. I have to tell myself all the time to relax, just RELAX Kim don't fight it, FLOAT on top of the water and breath deep. The rapids won't last forever, calm water is up ahead. By the way I do panic :) But I am learning slowly but surely. This is not something I get to do with my husband or anyone else for that matter. Ultimately, just like birth and death, we go down this river by ourselves. I am not really a religious person but I have become more, very much more,spiritual.
It is really amazing what I have learned and felt and experianced because of this big freakin nightmare.
My son's situation has brought me to a level that I don't think I would ever have gotten to any other way. And for this I thank him. He is an amazing and awesome son. I know he didn't put himself in this situation for my benifit, I'm not sure what I am trying to say but "God" does work in mysterious ways and I'm not going to waste this (whatever it is) on me going insane,screaming and fighting. THERE HAS GOT TO BE A REASON FOR THIS SITUATION AND I WILL NOT LET MY SON SUFFER IN VAIN. I have no control over anyone else not even my husband nor my son, I cannot make them learn anything from this. But I do have control over me.

God grant me the SERENITY to ACCEPT the things I cannot change,
The COURAGE to change the things I can,
And the WISDOM to know the difference.

I pray we can live our lives in peace,
Kim C

Kim,
Thanks for your words of knowledge :) I too have never been an extremely religious person but have always believed in God. Isnt if funny how times like this will bring us closer to him? You and I sound so much alike. Funny you should recite the Serenity Prayer, that is exactly the one I wrote to my son when he first was put in jail. I think I must say it 100 times a day, especially at the begining of all this. I found out that my son is in Alhambra which is downtown in South Phoenix, I still cant hear from him but I found this out over the phone (one of the million phone calls I make to drive myself crazy :):) I am sure you know that feeling too. People that work in the jails and prisons sure dont cooperate very well with us do they? Seems you get alot of run around when you try to find out something and attitudes like you annoy them more than anything.
I will pray for you and your son and hope that the judge goes somewhat easy on him,but with his charges that is pretty scarey. I wont try to tell you it will be ok, or he will be ok (like your hubby and mine do :) because I know the hell you are and will be going through and its not ok. But I do know what you are going through, hoping wishing praying that when that day comes some miracle will happen and your son will be set free. The only advise I can give, if its worth anything is dont get your hopes up, that way if the worse does come it wont be such a shock. The day my son was sentenced it hit me so hard it almost knocked me down. I thought I was prepared but in my mind I still keep thinking that miracle would happen. That was my biggest mistake I guess. Do you know if your son will have to stay in California when he is sentenced, or can you get him sent here so you can visit more often? I dont know where mine will be, they told me at Alhambra he had not been classified yet, and once he did he could be sent to any one of them here in AZ. Some are very far away. Well off to work for me this morning (still have to do those things) :):) God bless you Kim

Darla,
There are so many things we can share with each other. You do sound so much like me. Plus we are neighbors!!! Do you know that I have gotten to know another woman who's son is incarcerated out in Cali. She lives in the LA area. She is wonderful and has helped me so much, I love her. She is moving to the Prescott area!! Aren't you living between Prescott and Phoenix? Oh, I'm thinking road trip !! ;)
Tell me more about yourself, do you have other kids? Your age? Job? I'm 47 and I'm a stay at home mom. We are involved with Soccer and baseball/softball. I smoke. My beverage of choice is Vodka Collins, beer, wine (red), and coffee. I read almost everything.

I am thinking my son will be sentanced to 35 to life. Which really means life. He will probably go to a Super Max prison with all the other lifers. San Quentin, Corcoran, Pelican Bay maybe Folsom. They are all northern Cal. I'm not expecting he will ever get out in my lifetime anyways. There will be appeals and if he gets a good lawyer they should let him out but I'm not counting on it after what I saw and heard in court. What a farce it was. You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Anyways you can email me at cellermom@yahoo.com if you want. We could exchange phone numbers, I get free minutes after 7:00 PM and on weekends. Regardless---I am here.

I feel more real when I can talk to someone who who knows,really knows,what this is all about.
I will be waiting for you.

Namaste (the divine in me beholds the divine in you)
Kim C

Hello Kim its Jay I've been away from the pc for acouple of weeks. I think I went through a whole depression where I just forgot about everything. You know then the phone rings and its about the case again. All the sweat comes back, the heat, and the hair standing on my arms raises. I'm glad your still doing ok and that everything is well with you. I have finished my pre sentencing and now I awake my fate in the court room. I've been studing alot and reading about the law and such. I have changed so much from all of this and truly I miss me. I don't even know myself anymore. I heard you speaking of your concerns and worries. And I know with me its like a broken record. I repeat myself alot and really re live all the horror over and over. Days seem to pass so fast and time slips away. It seems that no one understands but trust we are not alone by far. I try to add relief to my life now by thinking of time and how many have traveled the road im faced with. See we can't control the way things are right now. But we must first have faith that they will be ok. I know its hard as it is for me. I've heard and now believe that suffering is a form of hope which adds to the eternal faith of the lord. I suffer daily as we all do. I am afraid but time shall come when my fate arrives. I have dreamed of everything from death to wanting to die until god touched my life and let me know things could always be worse. Use that means to know he / We are not dead. And anything is possible. He / We will adjust to the life of prison. If you only imagine the people who have survived such sentences. I have seen alot of miracles... And I've seen people have alot of time// up to life that came home some how. We must learn to trust that everything will be ok. And I'm saying this as for me and you. Kim I will continue to pray for you and your family and please pray for me.
my email address is jcepz@yahoo.com contact me if you wish...and God bless...

Darla,
I emailed you and your address is wrong. Weird cause I replyed from your mail ???!?
Oh well, I'm here though.
Hope you had fun in Prescott!!
Talk to you later.

Peace,
Kim C

Jay are you out there? I wrote you too.
Hope everything is OK.

Hi Kim,
I have not gotten on the puter since last week, alot been going on here. I had a blast in Prescott with the girls :):) Really needed that get away!! Afraid I came back to bad times, worse than I am going through with my son. Did you hear on the news last saturday about the young man 21 years old that dove off the houseboat at Lake Pleasant and never came back up? That was my friends son, they also live out here in New River. I am in shock, dont know what to think or do. He was the age of my son, I feel so horrible for her. I guess when you look at something like that I should feel lucky mine is still alive and I will have the chance again with him in 8 years. I dont know, life is crazy somedays I think I will go crazy!!! Any news on your son? I finally got a letter from mine, maybe I told you? He is in Lewis prison in Buckeye, said he is doing ok. Cant call or visit with him yet, guess it could be a couple months but I felt better hearing from him. Anyways I am kind of nuts these days with all that has happend in the last week. I dont know why you could not email me back especially if you just sent it in response?? Strange. If I can send out I dont know why you could not send to me??? I get other mail. Crazylady10@aol.com
maybe try again who knows these crazy computers sometimes do strange stuff LOL

Hey Darla,
I just got home from Prescott myself. The family went up for my daughters soccer tournament. I thought about you while driving up, I've only been up that way once before and wasn't sure where New River was. Now I know ! We aren't very far from each other, an hour or less.
The only news I have is that my sons sentancing is April 29. He seems to be doing OK.
I thought I was doing OK, I mean I am but only if I don't really think about it too deeply. I do wake up in the middle of the night and the thoughts are there waiting for me, I toss and turn most of the night. I guess I can't stop what I'm thinking about when I'm sleeping. I really hate it, I cry in the middle of the night and I feel so guilty for blocking the thoughts during the day. So it's back to the sleeping pills for me. You know I've been writing to another prisoner at Fulsom. He is a man my son met at county jail, anyways he is older and I don't think he has any family so I started writing him. He really appreciates it, he's in the "hole" so I'm sure he's lonely and going crazy. But you know it's easier to write to him than to my son. I hardly know what to say to my own child. This just sucks.
Well I will try again to send mail to you.

Peace,
Kim

Kim, Hope you managed to enjoy yourself a little while you were in Prescott :) I know what you mean about not sleeping well and the nightmares. I think I am making myself more and more insane. I got on the website prisontalkonline. I read some of those storys about inmates being raped and beaten, one of the biggest prey is young men!!! God I am making myself ill. And I dont know why I do it. My husband tells me not to think about it, how can I not? I know my son can take care of himself, he is by far not easy prey to anyone, but still there is worry, anything can happen and I know my son he would die fighting before anything like that happen to him. That is what worries me most. He wrote in his letter that his cell mate is a nice guy, guess he is 40 years old.And I know there are also nice guys in there, there not all bad but who knows who one can trust in there? I told him not to trust anyone. God can you tell I freaking out with worry? I am rambeling on and on!!!! The 29th is coming soon, I will be praying for you and your son and hope they dont postpone it this time. I better get to bed :) lots to do tomorrow at work. My friends son funeral is this Friday morning. Lord another tragedy to face. By the way are you going to make it to Cali for your sons trial? Is your hubby ok with that?

Hello Kim, I am still here with your family in my prayers. I hope all is well with you and that god is blessing your path through all the pain. Trust that our sufferings are the same. I am so depressed I haven't a voice to call my mother and even talk. I haven't spoken to anyone in months now. I feel like I let everyone down but I know its not my fault. I think I just hate the circumstances and the fate that surrounds my life. I never would have dreamed of such tragedy. I don't know I just wish I didn't have to re live this over and over. Anyway I'll be on later and please keep me in prayer.

Hello my friends,
I just got a call from my son and I am crying. I can't do this for the rest of my life---can I? He asked me if anyone asks about him (sisters/brothers) and the truth is no one does. No one cries but me, no one writes but me. I am sick with sadness. And whats worse is that this sadness is going to turn to resentment and anger, I know it, and that is why I can't afford to think about him. Therefor I feel guilty for not thinking about him.
He also told me that he will probably have to pay restitution of maybe $10,000.00. They will take about 44% to 55% of any money I send or that he earns to pay it.
Also his attorney still has not responded to his weekly calls to her to come see him since his trial.

Well I'm gonna go watch the clouds go by because thats all I can do.

With much love and hoping you all find peace,
Kim C

Kim, I just read all the post since my computer has been down and I can't seem to stop crying. NO the tears never stop and now they are for you. I have thought of you often and had hoped all was still the same but as I have read it is not. My heart, prayers and thoughts go out to you. I talked to my youngest son today and he is having a hard time right now and there is nothing i can do and I thought I was having it bad. Don't ever stop communicating with your son because it is all they have. I write each of my boys at least once a week and they call every Sat. or Sun. Sometimes I think I will run out of thing to say but I just let them know what their family and I are doing ( a daily journal I guess) Please take care of your self you are the only one who will. If you come out here for your sons sentencing please let me know I am out of work and would love to go to court with you so you don't have to be alone. Please e-mail me if you want at breesmema@msn.com
Thinking about you always and will keep Skylar in my prayers too

Jeri

Hi all,
Kim I am sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. I know how it feels to not know what is happening althought I didnt have to go through that for all the years you have suffered. As far as your son goes I would tell him that everyone asks about him all the time, even if they do not. I know it is not nice to lie but sometimes and in this case what does it matter as long as it makes him feel a little better? He is going through some tuff times too and needs to feel loved by all his family. No matter what he has or has not done, remember he is still your son and no matter what anyone else thinks, you still have the love in your heart for him that will not go away.
Jeri, that was so sweet of you to offer to go to court with Kim, you must be a real wonderful woman to have so much compassion for others. Your sons are lucky to have a mom like you :) I finally got a letter from my son today, it made me feel better just to hear from him :) The pain we are all suffering is by far hard to bear, but remember ladies with the strength of us mothers and gods help we will somehow survive!!! God Bless you all
Darla

Darla, thanks for the nice words but i am like any other mother going through this. I have BOTH of my sons in Prison now and it has been very hard. If I can give you some insight as to what it is all about please let me know. I have learned more than I have ever wanted to know. Prayers go out to you and your son also I am sure 8 years seems like a life time my boys got 3 years which was hard enough. The oldest only has about 6 weeks left the youngest about 16 months. Tanke care and ask anything you need to know and I will do my best to inform you.
Jeri.........breesmema@msn.com

Hi all, Today has been just an awful stressful and sad sad day. I went to my friends sons funeral this morning. I know it is the saddest thing I have ever saw. My friend is the one who has understood and supported me the most in what I am going through with my son. Her son was just 21 years old,when I see the devestation in her eyes my heart just aches. I know that even thought I miss my son so much I am by far better off than she is. But today looking as they lowered her sons casket into the ground some of my worst fears for my son came to life in me. I know maybe it is stupid of me but I fear that maybe I wont ever see my son come out of that place,all a person hears that happens in those places is a nightmare for me to think about. Does anyone else ever feel that way? Or am I just being a crazy person ? I try to think positive about this and tell myself its gonna be ok, but then I have my days when I think I am dwelling on the bad instead of thinking of the positive.Today is one of those days.
Kim, are you doing ok? Have not seen a post from you in awhile now. Jeri, glad to hear you have one son returning home real soon. Are the 2 that are in prison your only children? I have alot of questions to ask about the prison, but some I guess I am afraid to ask, afraid of the answers.
God Bless you all and all of our children.

Hi Darla,
So sorry. I'm here, I just haven't posted. I panicked in the rapids again. Took awhile for me to relax. I find myself living in the past or the future and those places are always scary. Got to stay in the 'now'. Does your friend have any other children? Not that it makes any differance I was just wondering. I to always picture my son getting hurt or killed. I have seen pictures of what happens in there (it's amazing what you can find on the web). Very scary. You just can't let your imagination run away, it will drive you crazy. I am so scared because my son will be with lifers, these people don't have much to loose. I sometimes have thoughts that it would hurry up and happen and my only hope is that it will be fast and painless. If you could have seen the fear in my sons eyes the last time I saw him, oh God it made me sick. He told me that they would not get a full life sentance out of him. I don't know if he meant that he was going to kill himself or he knew he would be killed all I could do was try to smile through my tears and nod my head in affirmation. I have no control and have to let go. I just pray it's quick and painless. I look at it as acceptance of what could happen. what else can I do?
I'm gonna go cause I'm not sure what I'm saying now.

Find peace and hold on tight.
Kim C

Hello Kim its Jay I received you email on the dart test. I really enjoyed reading it. thanx... In light of your last posting You must not ever give up hope. Hope is the substance that gives faith. Faith is blind. And trust I know how hard it is now. I suffer daily with the living fear of fate to the court also. I hate to see you go through this. You must remain strong and feed him good words of encouragement. In fact of all you have to let him know how he affects you. And you must address your concerns for his life. Not to preach here but I have suffered on every side since my arrest. I was consumed with thinking of death. The fact that he had a trail gives him appeals to work. Nothing is impossible and I have seen some amazing things happen. It took time but people I never thought I'd see again came home. Keep your faith. I know the closer it gets to sentencing the more stress gathers. I have court wed. and I to fear the unknown. I can't sleep. I may not be on again if they don't give me self surrender. So this may be one of my last postings. I hope god continues to work miracles for all of you on this forum. I pray for mercy and guidance for all mothers faced with the pain of lost and heartache due to the U.S. and state courts. Kim please be strong. Your the only one he has right now. God bless

Jay, The best of luck to you in court wednesday, I will be praying for you. God Bless you and see you through this :) Kim you sound so out of sorts in your last post, I am praying for you also. This is such a terrible time for us all, sometimes it makes us wonder just what the plan is for our lives. I know that fear about your sons safety is very strong, I suffer through it every day waiting for the letters in the mailbox to come hoping he is ok. I still cannot talk to my son on the phone as he hasnt had his calling list approved so the waiting is sometimes unbearable, the stress etc ect. Is your sons court date for the 29th still on? My prayers and thoughts are with you. God Bless to all

Darla, Did you son just get sent to prison from the jail? if so he is just at a reception center and they can not make calls ( at least that is what it was like for my boys here in Ca.) then they will send him to where he is going to serve his term. I to am scared when they do not call, sometimes it is because they are in lock down and can not get out to make any calls. That did not bother my son because he would rather be in his cell than out. He too is in a level 4 prison with lifers and it is scarry. He is out In Solidad. MY youngest got lucky and is at a farm for his term which makes me feel safer.

My prayers are with you all and Kim hang on, you have to for you other children. My granddaughter has been my strenghth for the past few years I put everything into her, with out her I don't know what I would have done and I have had to be strong for her because she is missing her daddy just as much as i am missing my son and have to get her through it, jsut as you will have to be the strength for Skylars brothers and sisters.

talk to you all later. Jeri

Darla thanks for all your kind words and for your prayers. Lord knows I need a miracle now. And I haven't been without the thought of my fate since this happened. I will hold my faith first and keep god in my life no matter what happens. I just feel so out of time. Like I'm waiting to die are something. I know this to shall pass but I think of the man I once saw in a jail house in transit while going to court. He was getting out. I said something to him and he said he had done 18yrs. I couldn't in a million years imagine how he felt are what he had seen. But it did pass for him. Now I wonder how long must I suffer and will I make it home to my kids and family. God only knows. I pray for all of you. I don't have long myself and I am going to prison for sure. Kim I hope all is well with you and that you are safe from harm. I will pray for all and I hope all works out.

goodmorning.. or is it. my son was to be released on June 1st they came to his cell Friday PM and told him they have a hold on him in LA county. so looks like he won't be home. It has only been a few years but as you all know it seems like a lfie time I guess now it is just another wait. My granddaughter just cried ( what could I do, what could I say) hope you all get through another week as you know it is just one day at a time.

Jeri

Hi all :) I got another letter from my son today. No Jeri he did not just go to prison, he went through the intake stuff already (Alhambra) here in Phoenix. He just got classified and sent to his yard which is Lewis prison in Buckeye AZ. They classified him a 4/3 his celly as he calls him is in for attempted 1st degree murder,been in for 11 yrs with 10 to go. That is scary to me, I cannot believe they put my son in with him, but he says he is really a alright guy. (I hope so) I guess the reason I cannot get calls is because even though I sent in the visiting forms last week it takes like 2 months to get approved and also the phone calling list. I am not sure what that is all about(the phone list) when he was in jail he could call all the time. But it really sucks and is very stressful not to talk to him. Seems like letters take alot longer to get here and to him than before also. I am so sorry to hear that your son is not getting out as expected Jeri, I know you must feel really a big let down from that. Are they holding him on a charge that could get him alot more time? I cant believe how they come up with this stuff!!! Looks like they would of known and taken care of all that before, didnt you say he has been in for a couple years? I despise our court system!!!! Jay I will keep praying for you, I know what you are facing is very scary and its going to take all the strength
you have. God will get you through his somehow. If you can somehow let us know what happens with you. Jeri how old is your granddaughter? I have 3 ages 7, 4, and 2. Thank god my son doesnt have any to have to suffer the loss of a dad.But I am sure she brings you great comfort while he is away. God Bless you all
Darla

Jay,
I am here and praying as always. I just wanted to let you know just in case we are not able to talk here again. If anything should happen on Wednesday Jay consider letting your wife know about this website okay? Also if we don't hear back from you you will be in our prayers forever! Right ladies? Keep strong my friend and remember peace is deep inside you. I know you know these words --- Be still and know that I am God.

Sleep well my friend,
Kim C

I am doing fine. I have my days that are way too much for me so I am so very glad I have you guys,
THANK YOU :D

Jeri, I have a candle burning for you. So sorry.

Hello to all, I'm up in a state of fear facing what seems to be the hardest day of my life in 12hrs. Thanks for you words Kim. I have been worried for you since your last post. I'm happy your ok and that you are in the grace of god. I appreciate you for listening and acknowledging my pains. I pray for all of you on this site and give thanks for your prayers. Darla, thanks to you also.

hello to all of you. Thank god I made it home today safe and with all of my burdens from above my head. Thanks to all the prayers God is a good god. I have faced my greatest challenge today and I feel glad that I know what my time is. Today I was faced with a sentence of 72months imprisonment to the U.S. BOP. Its Funny how I feel yet happy that I got 6years. And 85% of that means i'll be home in 4yrs. 11 months. I am glad that I got also to self surrender myself. I feel like the weight of the world was released from my shoulders. I prayed so hard today and god answered my prayers. I thank all of you for listen to my fears complains and burdens. I in return pray for all of you (Kim / Darla). Thank God for all I have been blessed with today. Amen

Jay, I am happy for you and Amen :) I know 6 years is alot but god will get you through. My son has 8 years and it hurts real bad and I worry alot but my comfort is that he got alot less than he was facing. I will pray for your health and safety on your journey away, and that god bless and take care of you and your family. Be wise in there my friend and try your best to keep your spirits up. Remember the day will come when you are free and this will all be behind you.May God be with you. :)

Darla, I happen to look back in and seen your message. Thank you so much. I appreciate your words of encouragement. I can't seem to be at ease I'm so happy to begin my healing. I feel somewhat of myself again. For months I have been suffering to be myself and live. But now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't been happy in so long. And today I can't even sleep I'm so happy. I think the hardest part is not knowing. Darla again thanks and my prayers are with you. Kim I know your out there somewhere. I pray all is well with you. I know your day in court is coming as well and I have you in total prayer. Please remain strong all things are possible through God. In saying that they have a program called a Map program. Its for lifers. He may have to do alittle time but it gives his life back. I knew a guy who got on it. It is a trial period where he states he won't get in trouble ever again. The guy went to jail in 91 are so and he is home on passes now with the map program starting. Its just an option I thought I should tell you about that will add hope to your situation. Ask a lawyer about it. Stay strong and I hope to hear from you soon.

Jay

Kim I haven't heard from you in awhile. I hope that you are remaining strong in the name of the lord. I have had you in prayer and continue to wish you well. Darla hello to also. I hope that you are in good spirits to and that god continues to bless you with strength and good health to deal with suffering. I know you said your son has 8yrs. Is it federal r state and does he have to do the whole 8 are is it 85% are 65%. Just asking. Anyway thank god for this site it really is a blessing and I will continue to pray for all of you on here. Darla thanks again.... bye for now. Kim please post so we will know your o.k.

Hello everyone! I'm fine, today is my birthday!
I am 48 years old today. My sons sentancing was continued until June 24. I'm not sure what happened in court all I know is the date was changed. I am not going to dwell on the things that are upsetting about this whole thing right now, all I know is I feel very peaceful.
Thank you Jay.
Peace,
Kim

Happy Birthday Kim, am glad to hear you are feeliing at peace today. Have had you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

Jeri

My brother is facing 20 years in a federal prison now. I am so lost and my family does not know how to deal with it. I don't know why God thinks he/we can handle this. My prayer go out to everyone who cries and feels the pain over their loved one being locked up. Al-anon actually is a good healing place for us. It reminds us to take care of ourselves and believe that our loved ones have their own Higher Powers taking care of them. I'll pray for you all, and wish you a Happy Mothers Day.

Happy Birthday a day late Kim :) Glad you are feeling a little better. Glad to see you are still with us Jay, will you be having to self surrender soon? My son is in State Prison here in Arizona, and from what I understand he will only do 85% of his time (if he doesnt mess up in there) which I have heard is easy to do? Also he is supposed to get the 144 days off that he did in county. Have you heard anymore about your son getting released Jeri? I have been thinking and praying for you. I hope you catch a break in that.
Sorry to hear about your brother Cynthia, I will also say a prayer for you and your family. I know sometimes it is hard to understand why things happen to those we love. God knows I have cried and questioned why a thousand times, and still do. But these things are out of our hands, we have no control so one must turn it over to god and trust in him. (what else could we do?)
As a mother I have never felt so powerless in my life,but somehow I will survive this as my son has to also.
God Bless to all, until next time :)
Darla

hello to all, And kim happy delated birthday to you. I'm so happy to hear your okay. Darla, yeah I don't have long before I must report. I don't know where my lawyer is suppose to call. Usually it takes from 6 - 8 weeks but god only knows. Seems they make the rules up as they go along. I have had the worst year of my life. One thing is for sure I have learned alot from all of this. What makes this even harder is I have never been to prison so the fear of the unknown is haunting. I know I can handle myself and adapt to my surroundings with people. But what bothered me in the county was the little things. Its really hard to get over the small things we take for granted. Anyway the worst is over and I to have to do 85% but federal. I have heard its alittle better in federal prison vs. state but who wants to choose. I will keep you all in prayer as always and I hope all are in good spirits. Cynthia I'm sorry to hear about your brother and trust that We all understand your position. You are not alone. I was just facing 20yrs. federal time myself. If you need advice post and i'll give you my email are leave yours.

Good morning all, hope every one is doing well, this morning I am good. No I have not heard any more about my sons release He seems to think is is something that has already been taken care of(I hope so) he will be transfered to LA county after June 1 and will go to court, I hope is is not any new charges. He has been putting in paperwork to find out if there are any new charges and they have always said NO but now that it is time for him to get out they have come up with this....GO FIGURE. I hear they are moving my other son because they are shutting the place that he is at. Hope they keep him close, I have not gone to see him yet but he is only about 90 miles from here. Maby your son will get lucky like mine and get a job while he is in it helps get thru the time a little easier and your not with the general public alot so it keeps you out of alot of what is going on in there.
I don't remember did you say you son in in max security? my was and yes I worried every day but he kept telling me he was okay. My youngest got lucky and is a camp for his three years (thank god)It doesn't worry me as much but yet it still does. hope you all have a good day . You are always in my thought and prayers.
Jeri

Hi all,Today I am having a bad day, I dont know why as I thought I was starting to accept and be ok. Actually it started last night, I am missing my son so much it has kept me awake all night. Then of course I start thinking of all the horrible things that could be happening to him that I dont know. I just keep thinking of how long 8 years is going to be. It kills me to even imagine and it has only been 6 months!!! How will I ever get through all this time. Sometimes I feel so rotten all I want to do is lay down and never wake up until this nightmare is over.That is my little boy no matter how old he is and he is suppose to be with me. I am the one that should do the punishing not this stupid jail system. It sucks, this is not even punishment it is just plain inhuman. 8 years is way to long for what he did, he didnt even hurt anyone, this was his first offense. I dont understand where they get off or how they get by with this. He is in medium/high security. Locked down 23 hours a day with one hour rec and out to eat his meals. I just recieved a letter, he did get a job and also got in a class for his GED so that gets him out some. Still cant talk with him on the phone or go see him (they are taking there sweet time to approve his list) Sorry for the venting, it is a really bad day. God Bless all
Darla

I want you guys to know that I am here always. I'm just not posting much. But you are all forever in my prayers and thoughts. I'm OK, just some stuff that needs to be worked out. Darla, Jay, Jeri you know who I am.
Peace

Happy Mothers Day.
Hang tough.
Kim C

I just wanted to drop in on this group to wish all of you a Happy Mother's Day. Your children appreciate your support more than you know. Too many parents turn their backs at this hard point in their children's lives, but you are proof that parents love their children no matter what. My husband is currently in prison and I know what a wonder his mother is for us. Thank you to all of you for what you do.

sera

Hello to all of you... I hope all of you had a happy mothers day. Darla sorry to hear of your break down. You are healing thats all. The worst of this is already over. And it could always be worse. I pray that your heart and soul heals with joy. Kim I hope your in good spirits. I know the fate of all these court cases is stressful and fills your body full of doubt. Its a very scary process and it eventually makes you numb. Thats exactly what it is designed to do. Kim please stay strong and tell your son to do so also. I have all of you in prayer and hope for the best outcome. God give us peace

Hi all hope everyone had a happy mothers day. Jay glad to see you are still with us and hope you are doing well. I had a horrible mothers day, just when one thinks they can lose no more down comes the hammer.For those of you that are animal lovers you will understand, those of you who are not will think me insane. My little Precious kitty "Pepper" left me on Mothers day she was only 6 years old. I came in the house to find her barley breathing, I rushed her to the animal hospital praying all the way,she was put immediatly on oxygen and checked by the doctor. Bad news she had congestive heart failure and her lungs were filling with fluid,the doctor said there was not much they could do and she was suffering more with each breathe she took, she died in my arms and I thought my heart was breaking in 2. She was my comfort when I was lonely, sad and she was my sunshine that made me smile. What else will god take from me? It is hard to keep faith.Hopefully he will give my son back before I leave this world.

Hi everyone well I think we all made it through a tough day, I just wanted to stay in bed but can't do that. My granddaughter was with me for mothers day and saw my mom and grandmother, but without my boys it was so hard. Sorry about you loss Darla. I know what you mean abut how much more can you you be given, they say only what we can handle but I begin to wonder. Hope your son is doing well and you hear from him soon it is hard when we don't get to hear their voices to know that they are alright. You are a right about how he is your little boy no matter how old he is my boys are 26 and 28 and I sure hope when they get done with this they will makes some changes in their lives, but it is going to be so hard for them. My oldest son has lost everything he has worked for for the past 10 years and it is not going to be that easy to start over. I just pray he will find the way and hopefully I can do something to help. hope you all have a good week I will check in later.
you are all in my prayers.
Kime I hope all is well with you..
Jeri

Hello to all of you out there. I pray that all of you are in good spirit and free of harm. I must say as hard as I try to block it out the thought of this time bothers me. I have been having those bad dreams again and lying in bed alittle longer in the morning. I am better knowing the time I face. But I think subconsciously I am depressed inside. I don't know. It just worries me to have to go. I'm glad to have you all here to listen. Thanks and it is a true blessing. I will continue to pray for all of you.... peace and god bless

Hello Again and peace to all. I pray that all of your prayers are filled with great blessings and grace. bye for now ....

Hello to all, Glad to see you are still here Jay :) Do you have any idea when you have to go? I am sorry to hear that you are so depressed,but I guess that is expected with what you are facing. I havent been in the best of spirits myself with all that has been going on, and to add to it I have not recieved a letter from my son in over 10 days, I cannot visit him yet and he always writes 2-3 times a week so I am worried sick that something may have happened to him. Life sure can be a struggle sometimes. Looks like no one has been posting much here lately, where did everyone go? Hope everyone is doing well. God Bless all
Darla

I am here. I check in all the time. I guess I don't have much to say, I don't know. I'm OK but... I have been retreating into my mind. Maybe thats good, maybe it isn't. I feel very violated by someone close to me who has gotten on this message board just to read what I have said and I feel now that I can't share a lot of whats going on with me. I don't have many places to turn for emotional support, this place was #1 for that. So maybe I'm shutting down. Maybe I'm just going deeper into myself. But I am OK for the most part. Maybe this is just another part of this journey I am on. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
Life is not at the end of the road it is the road.
Peace my friends,
I am always here.

Kim C

Hello,, Darla, Kim, No I'm not sure when I leave yet but my time grows very short as time passes. I do worry alot about leaving my family and friends behind. The feeling is unbearable and I could honestly compare it to the worst feeling anyone could ever feel. I think I worry more about everyone else verses myself. I have always been the one to listen to give advice and to help all my family and friends. Now faced with so much on my plate I don't know where to turn to. I have faith I'll make it and remember god doesn't honor confusion as we all feel sometimes.
Today I prayed to god to show me a script in the good book. As I opened the book with my eyes closed I opened to a chapter in hebrews where god talks of always being by your side. And also how Jesus is today as he was yesterday and tomorrow. And it felt good to know god was listening to me. I really don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for the Lord. Honestly when I found this site/ forum I was very close to suicide. After reading alot of the postings and knowing I wasn't alone I knew the devil was haunting my mind to honor what god would never. Thanks to all of you I'm still here in the flesh. I have made it through some of the hardest times I have ever faced. Not knowing what was ahead would eat at my soul. I suffered so much. My mind would grasp the negative never the positive. Well I have made it to the last step of process and thats doing the time. I am blessed to only have 5yrs to do. But the fear of the unknown worries me. I have faith I'll be o.k. Its just going there for so long is crazy to me. I thank all of you for listen to me and giving me words of wisdom when I just wanted to give up. Kim I'm sorry that you can't even have privacy to post on the forums. I pray for you all the time that things work out for you. Remember to convince your son to stay strong filling him full of hope. Nothing that is of this earth hasn't been done before and all is possible. Keep your faith and strength. I pray for all on this forum that your health is good and that your worries are healed. Anyway bye for now and I will pray for all of you.........

Jay,

I usually post on the wives site, but I read here also.
Please encourage your wife to read our site. We really
understand what is going on. My husband has an 8
year sentence. He has to do something like 6 yrs and 8
months. We take it one day at a time and know that
God is with us and all is well.

Ceil

Jay,
Hello my friend. I thank you and I also pray for you and your family. You will always be in my thoughts. Definately consider having your wife post, she will get support and also we can keep up with your journey. I would love to have your mailing address to where ever you are going and only your wife can post that. I for one would write to you. I am already writing to another prisoner at Folsom. He has helped me very much and has encouraged me about my son. I also encourage and help him get through his days.
He has told me a lot about prison in a very honest way which really makes me feel better about my son. It's the unknown that is so scarey.
When do you go?

Peace,
Kim C

Hello, I feel after reading about all of you I should not even be writing. You are all in my Prayers. my 18 year old son is in the correctional system since 4/20. he was moved to the prison on 5/2. this is a whole new world to us. everyone lies to you about everything. All I do is cry. no eating, no sleeping, can't think.
Walk around like a zombie most of the time unless I am faking being happy for the grandbabies.
he is very lucky, he got court ordered rid program for 6 months, and 18 months of drug program with the judge, and lots of fines. I am sure you all know what the conditions are at the prison he is being held at til he is classified. My heart goes out to all of you.
I write him 2-3 times a day. he can call on the week-end, no visits while he is there. I've e-mailed at least 30 people and phone calls. No one cares!!!! Even when he is out I will fight for the conditions the inmates must live in. They are still humans!!!! I do not get angry very easy, but have been filled with so much frustration, and anger, sometimes I do not know what to do. Than I feel guilty for those feelings. Than I remember what I tell my son:
just for today i will love all,
just for today i will not anger,
just for today i will Pray,
just for today i will be grateful.
Thank you all for letting me share with you.
You all have a Blessed Day.

willow,
I do know what you are going through. Feel your anger and quickly let it go cuz it will kill you.
You will find your peace, you must, you have no choice.
Peace,
Kim C

Willow, we all know what you are going through, and its ok to feel like that, just do not let it overcome your life. I know it is hard not to let it swallow you up, my son being gone for the last 6 months kills me at times, I hurt so bad inside sometimes its overwhelming, but we have no choice but to go on. My son has 8 years, so I am still trying to imagine how I will survive but I WILL, we all will :) I also have grandkids, and they need us too. Kim nice to see you posting again sometimes :) Sorry to hear someone has been reading your posts that you dont want too. That sure isnt very nice thing to do. Whoever you are invading Kims privacy "Shame on you" God Bless you all and thank you all for letting me share with you :)
Darla

Darla and Kim and all of you, MY Heart goes out to you. Thank you for your words, they do mean alot!!!! Kim, to the person that is violating your private space, what you send out comes back many times to you. So what this person is asking for will not be nice when it comes back around???? Whom ever you are, BEWARE!!!!
Have a Blessed Day. Willow

Willow, both of my sons (my only children) are in the prison they have been for the past two years. all the feelings you have will stay with you. I have good days and bad but seem to cry everyone of them befor I go to bed. My oldest might get out On June 1st, still waiting they say he has a hold but yet I can no find anything out about it. My youngest got lucky and is at min. security so I feel somewhat better. I also have two granddaughters by the oldest and they are what keeps me going. But as Kim says try to let go of the anger because it will consume you. You all are in my Prayers.
Jeri

Hello again to all... I still don't know when I leave for my journey but I think a letter will be coming soon. I can feel it. I've been staying up rather late at night and sleeping alot. I take it that my nerves are bothering me but I'm fine. Kim I will get my family to post and leave my address. I think most of my concerns are for the well-beings of my loved ones. Its hard when you realize you have no control over your own life are consequences. God is the only truth to all burdens and situations. Willow hello to you and sorry to hear of your pains. Don't feel uninspired to post we all suffer the same pains and no time is greater. 1day is like 1year. Tomorrow isn't promised and we all share the pains of the system. Ceil thanks for your words and lord only knows how I will make it. Im afraid to lose my family and love ones. I don't know.... anyway all of you are in my prayers and I pray all is well...

Jay, I was wondering if you were still with us, glad to see that you are but I am sure the dread of the unknown is really bothering you. In some ways I suppose it would be better if you just left as soon as possible, as knowing the inevitable is soon to come? I know when my son was awaiting sentence ( he was in jail already) but he just kept saying "mom I just want to get it over with and start my time so I can get home" the stress of the waiting and what was to happen really seemed to get to him the most. I still cant go visit him but he writes alot and he seems to be adjusting.He told me that you have to think alot different when you are in there, and he says each morning he wakes up is a good day as it is one day closer to coming home. He is in a pretty high security yard so he is in with some pretty hard core guys but he says most of them are ok as long as you mind your own business. I will pray that you can find peace while you are in there and look forward to the day when your life is back on track. They say god has a plan for all of us, sometimes I wonder just why and what that plan is but we have to believe that or we have nothing :) Hope your family keeps us posted on how your doing.

Hi all :) Got on another track and forgot to say hello to everyone. Jeri, did you hear anymore on your sons release? Seems they sure take there time and make things difficult for everyone.
Does anyone know how long it takes once someone is in prison to get the visiting lists approved and finally be able to visit? My son has been in for almost 2 months now and we still havent been told we can visit him. When he was in jail we got to go right away and didnt need to get on a list. If anyone has any information on this I would appreciate it. Have a good Holiday weekend everyone and stay safe if you are traveling :):)
Darla

Hello to all..., Darla yeah its rather frustrating to think about. I just can't imagine that long but I must overcome and adjust myself. I know i'll make it. I just hate that I have to go through this. I really miss my life and freedom to do whatever. I never could imagine ever going through such a thing. It could always be worse. Darla thanks for your words of encouragement. I will be praying for all of you here.... kim i hope your okay. Keep your faith

Hello to all:)
Is anyone out there anymore? I dont see much being posted here again lately. Jay are you still with us? Kim? Jeri? Hope you are all doing ok.
Darla

Yes I am here. I told you guys I am here all the time!. I'm sorting things out, I am praying, I am doing good. My son goes to sentancing again on the 24th. Maybe I am saving energy for that. You guys are always with me, I wear you like a necklace over my heart. Trust me I am here. I will share soon. Keep talking amongst yourselves. I have found much peace, and I will share soon. I really love you guys.

Kim C

Hello,
yes I am still here, "MY OLDEST SON CAME HOME YESTERDAY" I am thrilled so this weekend He is reuniting with both of his daughters here at my house "What a Joy" My youngest called today and was happy for his brother but felt so sad also because he was not here to greet him, 13 more months, still seem so long. Hope all of you are still hanging in... I am so happy yet so scared. Parole is tough I told my son don't even spit on the sidewalk or you will be back in the system they do not make it easy for them once they get out. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Jeri
and Kim please let me know how things go. breesmema@msn.com

Jeri,
I am so happy for you and your son and his daughters. This is great news!! I am crying.
You are right he is not allowed to spit, litter or jaywalk. In fact don't let him leave your house!! =) Finally some happy news.
Jeri I know your fear. Please keep posting.

About an hour ago I got a call from my son. He is VERY bitter and angry. I don't blame him. I haven't stopped crying since the call. As a matter of fact I have been in and out of tears all day thinking about him, which I haven't done for a long time now. I guess I knew I was to get a call from him tonight. He doesn't even want to persue an appeal, he is done. He told me he is going to prison with a chip on his shoulder and knows he will end up in SHU. It is the worst of the worst place to be in prison. Death row is probably better. He is only 2 Oh my god I forgot how old he is I gotta go I'm crying too much.

Kim C

Hi all :):)
Jeri, Thank god finally some good news for you:):) It gives me encouragement to see there is light at the end of the tunnel, even though my son just started his 8 years sentence. How is it going for you and your son? Do the girls like having him home? I too am afraid already of what will happen when mine finally does come home, as he has a 3 year probation tail on him when he finally does get out and I know that is going to be really tuff. Just tell your son to never ever for a minute forget where he was or what he went through inside because in just one split second or one little mistake and he will be back in again and nothing is worth those kind of consequences!!! Good luck to him, the best of luck. I will keep him in my prayers at night, pray to god to show him the way Jeri that is the best you can do. Please keep us informed on how he is doing. I know it may sound silly to some but I feel like we are a extended family here and I find great joy in the fact that one of ours has come home.
Darla

Kim, I am so sorry to hear that you are in such pain agian. I thought you were doing so much better. But we like our sons will experience our good and bad days I guess. My heart really goes out to you, I want you to know that. I know it doesnt help much because I also know the feeling of that terrible pain a mother feels for her child. I still cant talk with our see my son, only through letters and hate it beyond words. the worry the fear for him seems unbearable at times. Your case is probably the worst possible thing that could happen with what your son is facing, and I can really understand the terror and turmoil you are experiencing as you as his mom are going through all the hell along with him. There are no words to say to make you feel better, I know that but for what its worth I want you to know there is someone out here who cares and understands. The only thing I can say is maybe you need to try and look at this in a different light. What you are going through is totally out of your control, your son is still alive, you do still have him, but it sounds like you are going to have to face having him in your life in a totally different way. His life will be totally different forever if he gets life in prison. The day will come when he has to accept that, and you also no matter how hard it will be. try and find a new space for him in your life, try and find that peace somehow. I know its hard, I have a hard time just trying to figure out how I will do that for the next 8 years. But Kim we have to, its out of our control. This is a mothers worst nightmare, we all know that but the biggest factor here is that we have to go on even when we feel like we would rather die than face the pain anymore. We still have a life, our life is out here and we have to find that happy medium somewhere to go on in the real world and to keep our sons with us in our hearts. Hey I am no expert
here either :) I know its tuff and I am trying to get by too. Just want you to know you are not alone and I am thinking about you. Hang in there lady I know you will find a way. God Bless you and help you find the peace you need.
Darla

Goodmorning,
We had a good weekend i cann't seem to get enough of my son I find myself opening his door and just watching him sleep at 28 he is still my baby. His daughters never left his side all weekend. I am having a hard time being so happy for him then talking on the phone to my youngest who is still locked up and so sad not to be here with the both of us, but i just keep telling him he will be with us soon. I think the hardest part is to move on with out your children there is an empty hole in everything you do and Iknow I always felt guilty having fun with out them.

Darla, your words are wonderful you seem so wise and I know you will make it throught this, which will be the worst 8 years of your life.

Kim hang tought, this is not going to be something that will come overnight and I really don't know how I would deal with it my 2 years felt like a lifetime and I couldn't imagin having to do it like you are. Just remember you will always have someone to talk to because I will always be here. I hope you use all of us here to lean on because I know it has helped me to get through some tough days and night.

I too feel like Darla, that this is some kind of extended family and if you need me let me know.

Hope you all have a good week and will post soon.
Jeri

1 home and 1 to go................

Hello,my little brother just got sentenced 170 years for attempted murder and in this case it was road rage the other people had started the whole comotion pulled out a gun 1rst. my brother than pulled out his gun and shot at them hitting two people they testified in court admitting they started it and pulled out a gun 1rst and my little brother who was like my son is gone 4 ever Its all I think about still cant beleive it Just hope and pray that this appeal goes through maybe hell have a second chance on getting out one day To all you mothers I know the pain your going through just keep your heads up pray for them

Hi - My son is in Tonopah Conservation Camp - sentenced to 5-8 years for burglary. I live in California and haven't seen him since October, while he was still in County. We have submitted papers twice since he went to prison to see him but we still haven't been approved. I understand the feelings that I've seen posted. I thought it was just me.....Some days are easier than others - MOther's Day was hard. We are fortunate. We talk twice a week. I miss him soo much. I think about him constantly.

Hi Linda and tina :) welcome to both of you. tina
sorry about your little brother, how old is he? It all doesnt sound right to me, if the others admitted pulling a gun first why was it not considerd self defense? Very Strange, but I have heard alot of strange in the past year. Laws and the system are crazy so I have found out.
Linda I hear what you are saying about not being able to see your son, I dont see or get to talk to mine on the phone. I saw him and talked when he was in jail now that he went to prison it has been over the time they said and still have heard nothing!!!! He went March 23 and they said about a month maybe 2 but still nothing. How did you end up submitting more papers? Did they tell u they didnt get them or what? I am wondering if I should try to call to find out or something but getting answers out of those people is NOT EASY!!!! My son was also sentenced to 8 years he is in the AZ State Prison Lewis complex.
Darla

Jay, I havent seen a post from you lately??? If you are still with us let us know. If not I guess we will know you have started your time and God Bless you and keep you safe while you are away.
Darla

Hi Guys,
I'm still here. I am so up and down that I just don't post cuz I will sound schizo. Anyways for the most part I am OK, I don't know why but I am. I have gotten a couple calls from my son, 1 was very hard to listen to and the last was good I guess at least I laughed when I asked him if there was any good news and he said, "Well as a matter of fact------my attorney----saved a bunch of money with Geico." I couldn't stop laughing!! I was just so relieved that it wasn't like the other call. Well June 24th is coming up, thats his sentancing unless his attorney tries to continue it again. I told my husband that I will be going out to Cali on the 22 or the 23. Oh the anquish I go through!! If only I could tell all. I am so done. I have aged so much these last couple years. What can I say? I am just done. I have learned much from my new Penpal at Folsom Prison. He is a 3rd striker, 57 yrs. old and was in county with my son for a while. He was sentanced and sent to Folsom and has been in AdSeg for 6 months, which is basically isolation for those of you who do not know. He and my son were writing each other but they had to go through me because one prisoner can't write another prisoner, so I was middle man so to speak. Anyways when my son was convicted I wrote him and told him what happened and thanked him for being my sons friend and he wrote back so we have been writing each other. He has been straight up with me about prison and what I should expect. I just want you guys to know that I am still here and I pray for all. Please be patient with me. Darla you sound great! It's amazing what this message board can do isn't it?!! You are finding your peace, just don't get too scared when you think you've lost it, it's always right were you've left it!! I am serious about that road trip girl! One day we will meet up. And Jeri put it ALL in Gods hands. You know what I'm talking about, let go and let God. Be at peace my friend.
Love you all.
Peace be with you,
Kim C

Hi, I was able to talk to my son yesterday. It is always good to hear from him! It makes my day brighter. Darla, my son sent me a second copy of the papers. They haven't told us anything on the status. Just that when we send them to Tonopah, they forward them on to Carson City. My son can't find out anything. I'm going to try to call and schedule a one time visit. My son says they do that although when I tried that while he was in Carson, they kept saying that they would call me back with a date. Of course they never did. I've been waiting hoping I would hear something. I hope this works this time. I hope all is well.
Linda

Hi all :) Nice to see you post Kim :) I am doing good as I can, always try to keep positive even when things really suck!! yes we do have to do that road trip one day Kim, it will help keep us sane LOL
Linda I asked my son about the papers and he cant find out anything either, the guard said they would check for him (yeah right) I called the prison like 5 times the past 2 days only to get a machine when they connect me to the visitors department.It asks you to leave a msg and they will get back to you!!! Well I have left a msg every time,in detail of what I was calling about sons name, inmate # and my name and phone number. Of course no return calls. I just dont know what to do, I cant imagine that it is legal to keep one from getting visits. It is really getting me irritated too. I am thinking I should try and call to talk to the Warden in there but am also thinking maybe it would cause my son trouble? I am undecided.
Hey everyone I got a new puppy :) He is sooo cute and tiny (miniature pinscher)
Hope everyone is doing ok, as good as can be. Looks like Jay has left us now, I pray he is doing ok. Jeri I also thinking about you hoping your situation is going well now.
God Bless all
Darla

Hey guys!! I have been absent too long, sorry. Just wanted to say I'm still here. Time is running out----Friday is supposed to be my sons sentancing. Then at any time he will be taken away forever. I sent him embossed envelopes today with a short letter saying, "Please get a hold of me as soon as you can. Hang tough, be smart. I just don't know what to say to you Sky... I LOVE YOU, Mom" That was it.
I CAN'T believe they can take away my son like that. No hope of ever seeing him again. I don't want to hear about appeals and visiting... well that will probably be a 2 day drive out to wherever he goes a day visiting and 2 days drive back, total of 5 days, I can just hear my family now. I guess I could visit him 1 day a year for the rest of my life. Oh can you hear the sarcasm not to mention the anger??

Kim

Tomorrow is the day, I hope my son makes his visit to prison for the rest of his life worth it by ripping his attorneys head off.

Kim C

Wednesday was my sons 21st birthday !!!!! Life hasnt been too good :( Just when you think you will begin to heal and accept seems like something knocks ya back down. I dont think the real pain ever ends, I think I only kid myself for awhile. I miss my baby boy, still cant see him and wonder if I ever really will again.
Kim, you sound real angry. I know the feeling. I hope a miracle happend for your son today. Let me know how it turned out when you are up to it. Praying for you :)
Darla

I just found out my son got the maximum sentance.
50 years to life. He is 23. was arrested when he was 20. The attorney never called me. I had to find out through the investigator, he called the judge to find out the info for me. I am beyond anything imaginable, I cannot live with this anger and sadness.

So that is the end of my story, good luck ladies.

Kim C

Kim,
OMG I dont even know what to say to you, I can only imagine how you must feel. Do you know if there is any chance of appeal for your son? I will be praying for you and your son to find a way to survive this nightmare. Kim I am worried about you with your ending statement, you have to try and find the strength somewhere to go on for yourself and your other children, I dont know how but you must. God Bless and be with you.
email me if you want to talk
Darla

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

I think the prayer goes like this ----
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off!

Darla -
YES he does have a VERY GOOD chance for appeal. But in the mean time......
Our calls from the jail have been blocked because evidently we are not allowed to rack up more than $50 in a 24 hour period. Even though we have paid all our bills on time for the last 2 1/2 years. It will take 2-3 months for them to bill our phone co. who then bills us. How do you like those apples? I am now dealing with the attorneys supervisor and I will be talking to the head of all the public pretenders in O.C.
I am pissed off. Plus there was a nice little article in the OC Register about my son. I got the phone # of the guy who wrote it he is going to have to make some retractions or he will be sued. He outright lied or the person who gave him the info lied.
Anyways I don't have time for anything any more
I don't know what the heck I'm doing all I can say is I am so beyond pissed that you may read about me in the paper soon if I don't get any satisfaction from this attorneys supervisor. Even the Judge all but apologized to my son and told him he has a very good case for appeal.
Oh yeah in the meantime we are paying restitution to the victims family for burial costs!!!! $5,000.00. Will we get that back if my son gets out on appeal or do we then get to sue the victims family for it!! Oh goody more lawyers to deal with.

Yeah I'm PISSED.

Kim C

Hi everyone....Have room for one more? After reading back just a few passages from a month or so ago, I almost feel foolish for wanting to join in. But I guess no matter how long your child will be incarcerated, it all seems like eternity, and we all feel the same way as mothers. I feel so connected to you all. I'm happy to have found people that understand.
Luzinit

Hi luzinit,
The board is a little slow these days but keep posting. Just wanted to welcome you to POL and hope your stay with us is enjoyable. I'm sorry, I'm being pretty sarcastic lately, I've been having a hard time of it recently and my sense of humor has gotten kinda sick. But really, tell us about whats going on with you. There are some good people here and actually this site has helped me out very much.
Please post soon.

Finding my peace again slowly,
Kim C

Welcome Luzinit :) We are all mothers in pain here over their children being gone from us, please do not feel foolish for wanting to join in, it isnt always the length of time that hurts there is much more to it. As Kim told you there isnt much going on in here lately but a few of us are still here. Let us know your story :) We are here to talk, some days are better than others/
Kim, How are you doing? I hope a little better. Have you gotten to talk to your son lately? I still have not been approved nor anyone on my sons list to visit or call. I am so sick of this bullshit system I could just scream. It's like I want to go down to that prison and ring someones neck!!!!! They sure dont go by the rules and I am afraid if I raise too much HELL with them they will just prolong it. Kim have you heard anything from Jeri? Jeri are you still out there? Wondering how your son is doing now that he is home and also about your other son. Hope you all have a good holiday weekend and BE SAFE :):)
Darla

Darla,
I have not heard from Jeri. Hopefully she doesn't need us anymore :) She has always been in and out of here so hopefully we will hear from her soon with more good news. I just got a call from my sons attorney, she apologized to me but I calmly told her, "Too little too late". I tried to have her investigated but I also got the call from her supervisor and she told me that she is satisfied with her work. Sooooo... what do I do? I let go again and become comfortable with the thought that my son will live and die in prison and be buried in potters field without a headstone because I will be long gone by then and I'm the only one who would even think of trying to give him a burial. Unless of course someone kills him while I'm still alive and then at least I can try to get money for his burial. Darla I'm done, I truely can't do this anymore. Do you know who I turn to for any kind of comfort? I write another prisoner who knew my son for a short time at county jail. He also will be in until he dies probably---a 3 striker, an older man, He calls me his Angel. He makes me feel good. If 3 years ago you told me my life was going to be this way I would have laughed my ass off. Gotta go hubbys home

Hey guys,
Thanks for the welcome. Kim, your situation has touched my heart deeply. You are a very strong person.I have a hard time just thinking about one more Christmas season without my son, and then I read your story. I cannot imagine. But on the other hand, I can. I have visions of him continuing to screw up, and end up doing more time down the road. My son just turned 21 a couple weeks ago. He has accrued 4 felony convictions over less than 2 years. Most of his time has been suspended except for his last conviction which he actually will have to serve 10 months of, after serving a 12 month sentence for probation violation. He has been in county jail all along, but supposedly will go to DOC. He's been in since early November, so he'll have less than a year if they ever really do take him to prison. His problem: CRACK. He doesn't have any drug charges, just larceny, forgery, etc. You know, needing money to buy the s_ _t! My aggravation is that I feel everybody has forgotten about him. The jail he is in is about 10 minutes from us, but yet I think I'm the only one that has time to go see him. It really pisses me off. When he calls, eveybody dodges the phone b/c they can't seem to carry on a 15 minute conversation with him. Sorry to be such a whiner. Just getting sick of my family on the outside, I guess. Take care everyone. Luzinit

Luzinit,
How well I know what you are going through!!!
No one wants to deal with it. I'm really the only one doing the writing, etc. too.
I told everyone I'm not doing this again, I don't care what the problem is----don't get me involved, I don't want to even know about it. I just want to live my life in LaLa Land too.
I understand your fear too, that he will get into trouble again. There is not anything you can do really, I would strongly encourage you to go to NarAnon. It's for family and friends of drug addicts. I'll be back later.

Peace,
KimC

I too am a mother whose son is looking at 30 years in prison. He and his friend went to buy drugs and the friend was killed, labeled as a Rat.
My son was helpless during the killing, fearing for his own life. When opportunity knocked my son ran and went to the police and told them what happened. Five peopled were arrested , including my son. 16 months later we are still waiting for the trial. My son put himself in AG/SEG to protect himself from the others. I am so upset that he has been charged with kidnapping,assault and 1st degree murder. The DA claims he should have tried to help his friend. I have no clue what is going to happen. The great part of this is my son is sober and clean, has gained 25 pounds, is taking his meds regularly and is during bible study. . I am a single parent and when it comes to family support I have become the tazmanon devil. Everyone has opinions and turn the other way except for my parents and my one brother and his wife. My son has 4 children whom I see regularlly after taking his ex to court.
Thank you for having this posting.
Barbara

Barbara,
I have no support and no money. My husband, sons stepdad, gave 160 dollars a week ago for my sons books because he is leaving for prison in the next few days but I paid for that money by not having any grocery money for us and we still have 3 other kids at home to feed. So it's my fault that we don't have any money for food. Everything is my fault in my husbands eyes. And for everyone else who is reading this the person who was reading these posts and invading my privacy was my husband. I am so angry with him now that I don't care what the heck he reads. Evidently I can not go to him for any emotional support, which I need very much. I am so angry and sad and hurt. He got rid of my son thats all he wanted to do. Now my son is gone for the rest of his life. I hate my husband! So there, read that and enjoy your reading Honey.
Yes I am very, very angry at him right now. I aught to divorce the bastard and take everything from him again like his first wife did. Damn him!!!

Peace, hahaha
Kim C

OK Guys, I am officially friggen out of it with anger!!!!! What do I do??????? I really need help and fast. I am just so angry. No one cares here at home, Is there any kind of support groups? Come on guys this is something I can't deal with anymore. I don't want to hear anything about praying or god right now because no one can tell me why god doesn't care. 2 1/2 years of praying hasn't amounted to shit for me or my son.

HELP ME PLEASE
Kim C

Kim,
I am new to the group, but I think this is where you get the emotional support you're looking for. Is there a way to correspond in "real time"? Posting is great, but sometimes you need someone to talk to NOW. I really wish there was something I could say to help.
Nothing is your fault. A mother's love should be unconditional, and to hell with anyone who thinks otherwise!!!! Please hang in there! Luzinit

Luzinit,
I'm hanging. I just feel like a zombie right now. I don't want to care about anything or anyone anymore. Everyone wants me to shut up about it so I guess I will. Maybe one day I'll be OK again, I just have to accept that I'm not right now.
Tomorrow night I'm going to 'Families Anonymous'. Anyone ever hear about it? I really hope it's not filled with families that have murdered children, that would be my luck. Hahahahaha LMAO
Well here's to finding peace.
Kim C

Hi Kim,
As a matter of fact, I have attended several Families Anonymous support group meetings,
but I just wasn't strong enough to do the kind of things these parents have done.
Maybe one day, but I guess everybody has to get to there breaking point first.Actually,several times I thought I was there. Most of the parents in the group I attended were dealing w/drug issues, and turning their backs on their kids was a way of "tough love" that they were trying to convince everybody that this was the right thing to do. Hope they will be some comfort to you. I really did admire them for their efforts. They, like us, all love their kids. Glad to hear you're plugging on! Luzinit

Hey Kim,
I couldn't help but notice that we were posting about the same time tonight. Don't mean to be too stupid, but what is LMAO? Luzinit

It means Laugh My Ass Off.

OK so the Fam. Annon. is a tough love thing???

Well then I should go so these families can see what tough love does!! My son was kicked out of the house before he was graduated from HS. That is why he was living with the man that was killed and my son was blamed for it.

My husband is the one who found out about Fam. Anon. he told me it was families in crisis. Hey yeah lets do some more tough love. Oh can you hear the sarcasm??!

Got to say I am doing better, but not all the way.

Talk to you later.
Kim C

So Kim I do not understand why you said this to me....So there, read that and enjoy your reading Honey. I didn't think I posted anything that affended anyone and if I did I am sorry.

Kim,
Is your husband going to the meeting tonight? One really nice thing is that you are divided into groups, so you will not be together during the main discussion. Please post when you get back. Don't think that "tough love" is what made things turn out the way they did. Once again, you can't think this is your fault. Didn't you do everything you knew to do as a mother, and aren't you continuing? (Maybe, I'm just trying to convince myself of these things) I don't know about the higher power thing, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason.
I'll be checking back later to see how things went. Luzinit

Hey all :) Been off for a few days and the sight is hopping!!! Alot going on.
Barbara : I know Kim well from here on the sight, you need to re-read her post. The "So there, read that and enjoy your reading honey." was not a message for you, it was to her husband who has been reading her posts here and invading her private space. You have said nothing to offend :) All is well except us crazy moms who are living the prison nightmare with our sons.
Kim : Man you are really going through some tuff shit right now. And I am real sorry to hear that it is your hubby who is the one who has been reading our posts, that is really shitty of him especially when all we have is each other to talk to on this site. I dont know much on any support groups, I have never really gotten into those before but do you have medical insurance that covers mental health issues? I have done some one on one counseling a few times and I find that easier than a group. Also if you get into the counseling they can usually recommend a group that would fit the things you need. I think finding the right one would be the best as going to something that you might feel is a waste of your time may make you even more frusterated. My son got some help a couple years back and it was through a group in this state, it went by sliding scale fee and his actually was free as he did not have a income at the time. If you are interested at all in checking that out let me know and I will look and find the name and phone number to the agency.
Barb I dont think I have welcomed you to the group as I have not been here in a few days So "Welcome" :) and glad to see you still here Luzinit :):)
Darla

Kim, almost forgot to update you on my situation. It has now been since April 1st that my son got sent from county to prison. The department rules say 30 days for applications to be approved, I have called and called. As of this morning I was told (for the millionth time) we are still running behind and call back again in 3 to 4 weeks!!!! But this time they at least did look and tell me that my application was at least there. I think this is like F_ _ _ _ _ and the thing is that he cant have a phone list until the people are approved on his visit list so he still cant call!!! I dont think this shit is legal for them to do but I am not sure who to contact about it or if it would just make things worse. What do you think or does anyone know anything about this?
darla

Darla,
Hi, I'm pretty new at this whole game, but I've found that the more you voice concern (bitch) & ask for the next person in charge, the further you get. I have had a specific contact person wherever my son has been so far. I'm sure everybody in my county is sick of me. And, I will take it to the state level if need be!!! Take care,
Luzinit

Barbara,
I am so SORRY! That message was for my husband not you. The whole post was very confusing I guess. I really have been out of it lately and cannot seem to get back to the 'everything is good, God is taking care of everything' mode. I have been posting here for I think about 2 years and have gone through my ups and downs. I get very sarcastic and cynical when I'm angry, a shortcoming of mine. I apologize to everyone, please forgive me.

I did not go to that meeting (F.A.). Not for me.
Darla, I am so sorry. This is the kind of thing that is pissing me off so much. It's one thing after the other. I guess I'm just going to wait to hear from my son. As far as I know he hasn't left Co. jail yet. Our phone calls were blocked by the Co. that owns the phones in the jail. Evidently an inmate cannot make a call over $50 in a 24 hour period. If it goes to $50 or more they block the calls until you pay the whole phone bill off. The problem with this is that Co. has to bill our phone Co. which in turn bills us, we pay the bill then they pay the other Co. and this whole process takes a few months. We could pay with credit card over the phone but my husband wont do it. He said he doesn't want any calls from him for awhile anyways so it's good that it's blocked. So that is another thing I can be angry over but can't do anything about. It just so happens that this is a crucial time for him but oh well what can I do?
All I can do is sit here and wait for my son to write me from where ever he goes, I just hope he has a stamped envelope. If he doesn't I will never know because he wont be able to write or call.
I also have been told not to bring this whole prison/son thing up anymore that it is "upsetting my husband". He told me he wants to move on with his life and enjoy it. OK, will do. Wont mention him again at home ever again.

Luzinit, you asked if my husband was going to the meeting?!! Oh heck NO!! He wants nothing to do with any of this. I'm totally on my own. I'm not even supposed to show that I'm upset about any of this at home, it's only upsetting the other family members!!

Hey I'll talk to you guys later.

Gotta find some peace,
Kim C

Kim,
I hope what I said didn't keep you from going to the meeting. You may have seen it differently. I was thinking maybe since he had suggested it, that he would go too. There were a lot of men at those meetings.It doesn't sound like there is too much peace to be found at your home. How old are your other kids? Do you work? If it's against the rules to ask questions like that, then let me know.
In the state that I'm in I was told that it takes at least 60 days from the time a person is sentenced to even get into the "system". And, that DOC takes about 120 days to actually pick the person up. These are minimums! So far, the only progress made on my son's behalf is that he now has a state number. He was sentenced 2 1/2 months ago. I've also heard that prison is so much better than county jail. Am I being misled? I really don't know if I want an answer to that question. My son has even asked me to call to try to speed things up for him, which I have not done. Hang in there Kim! You are not alone. Luzinit

HELP !!! Believe it or not, my husband just informed me that my son's cellmate called about 6pm to let us know that DOC picked him up today. He didn't know where he was going, but that he'd call when he gets settled in. I hope what I've heard is true!! I feel sick- Gotta go!

I'm so sorry to hear the things posted. I have not been here in a while -sometimes it hurts a lot. I understand that you're not supposed to mention any of this to your family - they want to go on with life. I can't - I'm here - I was just told that I have been denied my application to visit my son - I guess there's a problem that someone used my ss# and now I have to prove that it wasn't me! It took 8 months for a denial - how long will it take to straighten this out? How do we go on every day?

Hello all, yes I am still here. It has been about a month since my last post. I can't believe all I have read and that you still have not heard from your boys. I don't understand this I got my approval tovisit with-in about a month of my boys being transfeered into the prison system. So I can't help you with what to do. Luzinit- where are they transfering your son? and how long is his sentence?

Darla- What is this phone list i will ask my son if he had to wait for phone approval but I don't think so, but will talk with him tonight and post again with maby some answers for you all everyone else.

Kim, I am so sorry to hear all the pain and anger I pray that things with your husband will change and you hear for your son soon.

My so is doing well :) My husband and I started our own business and it worked out that my son is working for us, he has been in this business for the past 10 years and knows his stuff. He has taken care of everything he needs to and has saved almost enought to move out of our home and be with his family again, which has been his goal. so 5 weeks later all is well. My youngest son still has 1 year to go befor his release and it has been really hard for him but he got lucky and is in medium security, no cells which is good and only 90 miles from my home.

I will post later tonight after talking with my son and see if i can update anyone on the Prison system okay. you have all been in my thoughts and prayers have not and will not forget any of you, you have help me greatly.

Jeri

HI MOMS OF LOVE ONES IN PRISON. MY SON GEORGE HAS BEEN IN THERE FOR 10 YRS. COME MY BIRTHDAY THE 22ND OF THIS MONTH . DOING THIS TIME I LOST MY YOUNGEST SON TO BEIGN SHOT 13 TIMES. MY SON COMES UP FOR PAROLE IN 3 & ONE HALF WKS. AND TO SAY I AND MY SON ARE TERRIFIED WOULD BE PUTING IT MILDLY FOR BOTH OF US, HAVE ANY OF YOU MOMS ANY ADVICE FOR WHEN I GO BEFORE THE BOARD ANYTHING WOULD BE APPRECIATED THANKS AND GOD BLESSYOU ALL FOR I LIKE YOU HAVE WALKED EVERY MILE THAT HE HAS THESE PASS YRS.

HI THIS IS SEXY2351 I FOR GOT TO ADD MY SON IS IN LIMESTONE PRISON UP BY TENNESSE I LIVE IN THE SHELBY COUNTY AREA IT TAKES ME 3 HRS. TO GET TO HIM BUT i HAVE DROVE LONGER AND IT WAS WORTH IT MY SONS PAROLE HEARING IS IN MONGOMERY ALA. THE 8TH OF AUGUST I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP HIM NOT HURT HIM TO LET THE PAROLE BOARD KNOW HE HAS PAYED HIS DUES HE GOT ON DRUGS AND HE AND HIS GIRL FRIEND TRIED TO ROB A MAN SHE IS GETTING OUT NEXT MONTH SHE FINALLY MADE PAROLE.

Hi all, I have been away from the board a few days and now its hopping :) Still not able to visit my son or get phone calls !!!! I have called and called that dam prison and seem to get a different story every time. I am so friggen pissed off!!!!!! This is just bullshit !!!
Jeri - the phone list as I was told by the assholes up there at the prison, is like this: when you fill out your applications to visit you list your phone number and if you will allow collect calls from the inmate, then when you are approved for visits the inmate has to turn in a phone list of the people he wants to call (only approved visitors are allowed on the phone list )
Hence since they cant seem to approve or find the familys applications no calls either. I cant believe how stupid this Arizona prison system is!!! Maybe they are all just STUPID!!!! I have been calling everyone up there for weeks, also my daughter has made several calls, each time a different story from a different person. I am about ready to get a lawyer to look into it (more friggen money more time lost ) God, I hate this shit.
Luzinit - What state are you in ? In Arizona they seem to get them out of county right away after sentancing, at least with my son they did. He said its alot better in prison than the county, better food, better medical, all in all better everything except for the fact that they cant seem to get there shit together on paper work as in visits!!!!
Kim, sorry to hear your hubby being such a ass, I know what that feels like.
Jeri- Hooray for you son :) Glad he is doing so well and still free.
Gotta get, talk to everyone later
Hang in there everyone, like I keep telling myself things could be shittier :)

Hi Everyone,
I'm still hanging in there. Since I last posted, I have been in a state of confusion. I found out where my son was by the end of the next day and made a phone call to find out why I hadn't heard from him. I was able to speak to his "counselor" and she told me that he did try to call, but my phone company had a block on the calls from their institution. So,I had to set up a special account to receive only his collect calls. It being a Friday, I had about 1 hour to fax my info to the company and prepay to set up an account to be able to hear from him over the weekend. "The things we do for love......." Then, of course, I had to be on his list of approved people to call. I really shouldn't be complaining though, because I've already been to see him,(Saturday), and was able to take his son too. He hasn't touched him since he was days old, so it was really special. I guess VA has some things ironed out, but the S_ _ T you have to go through for a visit once you get to the facility is ridiculous!! He is only there for "classification", which takes 30-90 days, and then who knows where he'll go. It seems like a waste of time & money on the state's part, since he should be released in April or May of 2006. He may only have 6 or 7 months left by the time he gets his final assignment.
Hey Darla, my son was 21 on Father's Day. I think that makes our boys 3 days apart.
Kim, are you ok? I'm worried about you. Please post soon. 4-ever Luzinit

Hello my friends,
(heavy sigh) I'm still here. I just don't know what to say at all. I'm trying to find some level ground, I'm tired of all this emotional stuff. It seems it's never ending. At this point I'm trying not to think about it (my son) but the hard part is at night when I'm sleeping, I wake up all the time and what is on my mind is my son. It is maddening! During the day I can choose to control it but when I'm asleep I can't. I take sleeping aids (Unisom) but I'm afraid this is not healthy taking them every night. So when I don't take it I have a horrible night.
My son has not left for prison yet, still in county jail. The phone calls are still blocked so I haven't talked to him since he was sentanced. It's been so long now I can't even remember when he was sentanced -- I think it was June 17th. Plus this whole nightmare started on Dec. 30, 2002 when he was arrested 2 1/2 years ago. It seems like a lifetime! Life in prison....there is no hope. Well I guess that isn't true we still have all the appeals - yippee! If he gets an appeal then he will be shipped back down to Orange County for another trial, it sounds like a lot of fun going through this all over again! I will never be able to put this in the hole and bury it. Well enough of that, I guess thats why I haven't been posting much lately ... I'm trying to forget about it.
The one bright spot in my life is my daughter Molly (11). She is a great athlete and has been invited to play soccer on a club team so I very much look forward to her practices and tournaments.

Other than all that, I'm still hanging on. I know it's gonna be a long road and I will be hitting some rough spots. I know they are going to happen so I don't get my hopes up and try to decieve myself. Maybe thats my problem is that I don't have any hope in much of anything any more.

Anyways you guys I still come here even though I don't post much, you are still in my thoughts.

Kim C

Hey!!
I forgot something I wanted to share with you guys. I found a website that sells greeting cards that are made especially to send to prisoners. They are not expensive either. Check it out. The Co. is called Bars None. Here is the address:
www.storesonline.com/site/1267360/page/45029

Humor, love, holidays, etc. $1.50 each.
Let me know what you think of the site.

Kim C

Hi guys.....So much for that special account I set up and prepaid to be able to get calls from my son. I was informed yesterday that the "12 call" max had been hit for the month. WHAT "12 CALL MAX" !?! I paid $100 and was told that once that was depleted all I would need to do would be to add more to the account. Now, they are telling me that the $100 was only a deposit, and if I pay 2 consecutive bills on time I can increase the monthly number to 17 calls !!!! I didn't even think bills would be involved since I had prepaid! Stay away from MCI, that's all I can say. In the mean time, I have to depend on friends that have other providers that accept MCI calls. It really sucks...... If I cancel the account, I was told that my number will never be able to accept DOC calls again. WHAT A RIP-OFF !!!! I haven't been this pissed in a very long time.
My next gripe is about the mail that I send being called contraband. Has anyone had a problem with this? First time was in county jail when I sent him a prisoner's dictionary that I found on the internet. It was not filthy or anything!! It was set up in an A-Z type format w/ the meaning of the words, used by inmates. I would have certainly appreciated it if I were in jail. Then, most recently I sent him an article about a historical break-out in the prison that he is in that ended on the day he was born, and that was contraband too. You would have thought I had sent him the escape route. I'm fed up!!! I am pretty sure that prison officials cannot censor what is sent to inmates. They should only be opening mail to ensure that it does not contain any illegal items or weapons.I am seriously thinking about seeing an attorney about this.
Believe it or not, this is not PMS.
Glad you're back, Kim
I'm just "Luzinit"

Luzinit,
I can feel it girl!!! That would send me over the edge!! Lets face it .... they got us where they want us and there aint nothing we can do.

I know about that dictionary you are talking about, you actually sent that? What a crack up that they sent it back. Did you send the whole thing at once? It must have been a lot of pages in a large envelope. Probably if you had sent 1,2 or 3 pages at a time like a regular letter they would not have confiscated it.
What State are you in? And what security level is the prison?
I once sent a picture to my son of a barBQ we had at our house, well one of the guys was flashing a sign (like a gang sign). I didn't think much of it until I got the letter back with the reason for return. My son also got a note saying that the letter his mom sent was confiscated due to "Gang Affiliation" !!!!
My son got a good laugh out of that. But yesterday I got a letter from him with a picture of his cellie with one of his buddies and the guy was flashing a sign but it was marked out with a felt pen so I guess there are ways to get around that. My little girl sent her big brother a post card that she painted with watercolors and they sent that back saying it was an unknown substance.

I never answered your questions a while back ago..... I am in Arizona and have daughter (19),
son (13) and twins boy and girl that are 11.
My oldest is 23 and was first arrested when he was 20. I'm 48 and I am a stay at home mom.
Peace,
Kim

Well the whole phone thing pissed me off so bad that it set me off on other things. I went to the county jail to pick up my so-called "contraband" (the dictionary) and demanded to speak to the person in charge of deciding this. After talking to 2 morons I finally talked to the Captain of the morons whose first words to me were, "He's not here any longer, so what difference does it make?" So, he'd already done his homework before he came out to see me. Amazingly enough, he wasn't in the building until I said I'd wait until he returned. I asked him what specifically was inappropriate about the contents, and that my attorney requested that I try to find out. He wouldn't even look at it! The most I could get out of him is that he wouldn't want it getting upstairs to the inmates. I just said that I would have liked for my son to have had it before he left, and that according to what I've read, prison officials have no right to censor the material inmates receive. They can only confiscate illegal or dangerous items from incoming mail. He told me that if I want to file a suit to go ahead, so I may have to see if I have a snowball's chance in hell of winning. They just think everybody is going to just sit back & take it, but I'm not ready to do that just yet. My son better hope he never ends up back there in the future because I've stirred up so much s_ _ t there in the past 2 years, he'll be doomed for sure. I used to have a really bad temper, and all of a sudden I feel it returning with a vengeance! I hope not. I need a vacation.
I was able to speak to him last nite thanks to one of his friends, so I do feel better in that respect, but I'm still on a warpath. Thanks for listening. Luzinit

Hi all, What a week it has been!!!! As usual I still have not been approved to see my son so obviously no phone calls from him either. I called again on friday hoping to see him this weekend as all the visits are only weekends. Well I was told that my application is still in process and to call back tuesday. Ane they still have not found the rest of the family's applications!!!! I keep getting letters from my son about when am I coming, I know he is lonesome and there is nothing I can do except start a big friggen war with the prison and then I am afraid they will make it that much longer. You are right guys they have us by the ass and there isnt alot you can do to fight the system. It makes me so pissed I could scream at times. I tell my son to check on things in there but a big HA HA to that, they tell him less than I am told. So Luzinit, what part of Viriginia are you in? What prison is your son in? I was born in Radford Virginia and I still have family there although I have not been back in years.
Kim glad to hear you are hanging in there too, and good you will have something to look forward to with your daughter and her sport activity. Always nice to have something to keep one busy. How is the weather there in Gilbert? Have any of the bad storms hit you? We had a few here in new River not too bad, the fires up here were the scariest!!!! I heard were spos to get a big monsoon storm tonight (hope it rains :) )
Well everyone hang in there, I hear you all and feel your pain.
Darla

Hi Darla,
Right now my son is in Mecklenburg. But,like I said before,he will only be there for 30-90 days supposedly (for classification). Who knows where after that. I'm kinda tired tonite because I've had my 8 month old grandson today. He is quite a handful! When we have him, it's pretty exhausting because he won't let anyone else do anything for him, but me. He and my 4yr old grandson keep me going you know? I really miss not having the older one with me as much, but he demands all of my attention when I keep him too. At least now, his dad(my other son)and his mom are beginning to enjoy taking him along when they go places since he is a little older. I work full time, so the weekends are all I have. I think that since my youngest son is in jail that I really need to stay in touch w/the baby for his sake. There are just not enough days in a week. Gotta get some sleep. The baby may not sleep all nite. He's been real congested today. Goodnite All. Luzinit.

HI all, I'm still here!!! Going crazy but I am here. Have been worried about my son ( as I cant speak to him or see him !!! ) The prison he is in has been out of power since sunday the 24th, isnt that wonderful in 110 degrees and higher heat? I mean it has only killed 23 people here in Arizona in the last 2 weeks. But thats ok there just friggen inmates so what the hell they can roast to death in there!!!! Also the news said they have put everyone on lock down for security reasons so of course they cant even move out of the stinky sweaty cells to try and get relief. Oh but I forgot they told the media they were supplieing ice to the inmates!!! (like I believe that) I heard as of this morning they supposidly brought in generators on loan to them so that they could turn on the cooling but that I am not positive about. Isnt it grand as a mother you get to worry your ass to death and then they wont even give you the courtesy of letting your child make a phone call to you? Ok ladies as you can see my mood is very fowl today, maybe the dam heat is getting to me too!!!! Maybe I am crazy, I dont know anymore just not sure if I will make it through all this crap at times. Everytime I think maybe it will be ok then somehow I end up in another rut!!! I'm sure you all know where I am coming from.
Kim where you at? You doing ok lady? Any news from your son on his appeal?
Luzinit, I know the work every day routine you go through I also work full time and have 3 grandchildren. My oldest daughter is 27 and now going through a nasty divorce so I also have to help her out. Hang in there grandma :) It can be tuff but the babies need you too. Just make sure though that you take some time for yourself, rest and do what makes you happy even if it's nothing. Do it for you or you will go crazy, then you wont be good for yourself or anyone. I know what the too tired to move anymore feels like. Sometimes you have to be selfish and say "enough, time out,"
Ok all I gotta go, really dont have alot good to say today.
Darla

HI IM FROM NEW YORK STATE AND WONDERING IF ANYONE HAS A SON IN ST.GENEVIEVE MO. PRISON SYSTEM.
I HAVE A SON THERE AND HE HASNT BEEN SENTENCED YET , BUT IM GOING THRU SOME TERRIBLE TIMES.
IVE READ YOUR POSTS AND I DONT KNOW HOW YOU WOMEN STAY SO STRONG, PLEASE GIVE ME SOME OF YOUR STRENGTH . THANK YOU LORRAINE

HI MOMS. MY PRAYERS R WITH U. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT EACH ONE OF U ARE GOING THROUGH. MY SON IS 19 WILL BE 20 AUG. 9. HES IN GARDEN STATE YOUTH FACILTY IN YARDVILLE,N.J. HE GOT 3 YEARS WITH 85%. THERES NOT A MINUTE THAT GOES BY THAT I DONT THINK OF HIM. I JUST THINK THE SYSTEM REALLY SUCKS. YES HE WAS WRONG FOR WHAT HE DID, BUT I DONT THINK HE SHOULD GOTTEN WHAT HE GOT. HE WAS HEAVY DUTY INTO DRUGS. I PUT HIM INTO 4 REHABS, THROUGH HIM ON A PLANE TO FLORIDA TO A REHAB. HAD THE COPS AFTER HIM,CHASED HIM ON THE PARKWAY AT 1:00 A.M. WITH HIM GOING ABOUT 90-100 MPH. OH YEAH ALSO BAILED HIM OUT OF JAIL ABOUT 5 TIMES WITHIN 1 YEAR. SO BELIEVE ME. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT EVER ONE HERE IS GOING THROUGH.

Hello Everyone,I am so happy to find this site. I have finally finished crying enough to realize that i need help.My son is facing a possible 20 year sentence,he is 23 years old.He made the choice to hang around the wrong element and became involved in selling drugs,very much to my dismay.All his life he witnessed me and his dad getting up everyday going to work to make a living.Once he became an adult he started to hang around these people,quit his job and become a drug dealer.It breaks my heart ,not to mention shocked the hell out of me.I felt like I was dreaming today in that courtroom and I was going to wake up at any minute but,I didn't and this is very real.To make matters worse he was in possession of a loaded gun.i feel like I am dying inside. i know what he did was all the way wrong but,it doesn't stop my love for him,he is my only son.Why do children hurt us so......

Hello to all, my posts are are few and far between, but you are allways on my mind, I wish we could have started this business 3 years ago it keeps my mind busy. I talked to my so who was in Solidad State Prison California.. he said he has never heard of a phone list. He was able to call me as soon as he arrived and was able to make calls. I do know that if you are in a reception prison you can not make call but you can write letters and recieve them.... I can no imagin not hearing for so long. I talked to my yougest son and he is still having a hard time can't understand why he is having to do 85% of his time but all i say is talke it with stride it doesnt do any good to keep talking to everyone else who is telling you something else. All is still well with my oldest doing great.... is trying to move out on his own with his wife and daughter hopefully in a few weeks. my prayers are with you all. i will post again later..... Jeri

I am so thrilled to have found this site. I have a son in prison in England. He is 27. He is being reviewed for deportation and if he is deported will be arrested here as he was on a monitor when he left. His crimes are possesion of drugs at age 17, and felony possesion of a firearm at age 22. He had a rifle under about two feet of stuff in the back of his minivan, it was legally registered to his wife. Of course his main problem is alcohol and drugs, these lead to everything else. In England he threatened someone with a toy gun. This is a minimum 6 month sentence, he got 8 months. There is noone to talk to, even my family will not listen as they think he is no good. I am so guilty, thinking I didnt give him what he needed as a child. Plus I called the police to search his room, this was his first felony. His Dad died when he was nine and he just never really recovered. I feel for all of the Moms and relatives who post here. I feel your pain and frustration and am deathly afraid of him ending up in the system in this country. Having had experience already. Once after the judge ordered his release the prison lost his paperwork and finally two days later I had to have his attorney go to the prison to get him out. I am in Chicago, so Cook County. I cant tell anyone I work with or for about this. No one understands, it is as if they feel once a boy is incarcerated a Mother should just disown him. My email is danceruby@msn.com I would love to hear from anyone who can commiserate with me and help me get through this. Thank you Margaret

Seems like we have a few new mothers here. Welcome to all of you. Sorry that you are here though as that means you are also feeling the loss of your sons like the rest of us.
Glad to see you are still here Jeri :) Nice to hear your son is doing well. As usual I still have not gotten approved to see my son, he has been in there since April 7th. And no it is not a intake place. This is his final destination. He was incarcerated Nov 11th last year. I finally called and got ahold of his counselor there, she was very nice but of course didnt do tell me anything I have not heard before. And yes I found out indeed this stupid state system has a phone list (one can only call aprroved visitors ) and of course that puts everyone out since no one has been approved. Well they are saying they are way behind, short staffed etc. Now I am supposidly in process (before they couldnt even find my application) I am so sick of this friggen crap I could scream!!! Oh and it gets worse every day. I sent my son some books through Amazon dot com they were delivered to the prison on the 22nd of this month, as of today he still has not gotten them!!! ( I do hear from him by letter ) Also I sent a money order on the 18th and he still hasnt recieved it on his books!!!! I am so frusterated these days I can hardley think, it just seems to keep getting worse by the day. There hasnt been any good days for me lately, only bad. Maybe it will get better when they let me see him. I cant seem to get anyone to do anything about it though. Like I said the rules for he department say they have 30 days to get it done, but when you call nobody seems to care if they break the rules. I even contacted the leison for inmates and familys via email, they still have not responded and that has been a week ago. I know one thing the State of Arizona sucks!!!!

Darla, Sorry to hear nothinbg has changed. I hope your days get better although I know that they wont. For me they didn't untill one got out but now I feel guilty because I am enjoying him and my granddaughters while my youngest is still in. So it is the guilt that I now deal with. I miss my youngest so very much, he and I were very close. Come to think of it he never called this weekend I hope all is well with him.. It is my oldest b-day today wow 28 I think i am getting old. Hope your days get easier and you will be able to see your son soon.. You all are always on my mind...
Jeri

I'm sorry to hear that so many others are having the same problem as me. I haven't seen my son since October. I have been denied visitation; they say that I have a record with the FBI and maybe it's not bad enough to deny visitation but I lied on my application. Here goes more money and time. We have written the FBI and sent in my fingerprints to have this verified. Haven't heard anything. It seems like it's one thing after another. Everytime the phones go down there and I miss a phone call I worry for days. Just want to see him - he's about 4 hours away; but I gladly will travel and stay as long as they'll let me. If they ever do.

Jeri, Glad you are enjoying your son so much :):) A big 28 huh ? My oldest is 27, she is the one who has given me the 3 grandkids. Nothing has changed for me,still cant see my son. I finally called the deputy warden on thursday. told him the situation and that I am getting the run around. He was nice and seemed to agree with me, says he is going to check into it. I guess we will see if he is good for his word but I wont hold my breathe!!! The WARDEN is next on my list if I dont hear back in a few days. Tired of being nice about things. Time to make lots of calls and be a bitch. Hate to do that but not getting anywhere being nice and understanding am I?
Linda, Sorry to hear about your troubles, that really sucks hope you can clear it all up. What state are you in? Maybe someone is using your idenity. Bad news and just what you dont need is more problems right? I hear ya on the worry part, it is making me crazy that I cant even talk to my son. We have letters but by the time I get them he has written them a week before so I always wonder if he is still ok. I know he is a big boy and perfecly capable of watching out for himself but I will never stop worring when he is in that hell hole they call prison.
Kim you still out there lady? hope your doing ok. Any more news on your son?
Well gotta go take care all and I hope you are all doing better than me right now!!! I just keep telling myself I will get through this somehow.
Darla

HI,
I went to Cali with my family for vacation. Stayed in Newport Beach. We were gone for 10 days and just got home. A BIG WELCOME to all the new moms!! I got to visit my son because he is still in county jail. Who knows when he'll leave for prison. He looks great, he is so tall! Anyways I will write more real soon, got to unpack.
Kim C

My son is going to prison in New Mexico . Currently he is in the county jail and has been for 2 years awaiting trial. I was looking for someone who knows about New Mexico's prison system

I stumbled across this site. I can relate to all of the emotions expressed by Moms who have a son in DOC. My oldest has been in for 2 years and 6 months. He's doing a mandatory 5 on a frist offence, drug crime. I get to see him once a year (last year I saw him twice) since we live outside of the US. He is making good use of his time and has taken additional courses towards his Associates Degree which he has just about completed. Since he has been in he has been on the Dean's List.

Notwithstanding the pain, I thank God that he is alive. We all need to pray for strength to see us through and our sons. And pray for God's help so that they don't get into the cycle of repeat offending and if they are already that it is broken. With God all things are possible!

Hi everyone, Hope you are all doing well. I am not!!!! I have fought and fought to see my son for months now. Guess what? I finally got approved to go visit him. I was all excited and going this sunday on visiting day. Last night I finally got a call from my son. They moved him on Wednesday (out of state ) He said it was a 27 hour bus ride. Arizona has rented space in Texas for overcrowding. So now instead of 1 hour away from me he is 27 hours away. I have been calling and calling all yesterday. Basically my son got moved out of state because he has done good while he has been in. NO fights no trouble etc etc. They cant move the violent ones out of state , the prison there wont take them. So basically his reward for good behavior, they take him from his family!!!!! I am livid, first they have him here and dont let me see him because there system is so frigged up. Now I can and I am unable to go that far ( I have a full time job, and I am not rich!!!) I cant take much more of this stuff, I am miserable, I have never in his whole life not seen my son for this long!!! Next friday I go into the hospital, they have found a abnormality in my heart on my last 2 Nuclear tests, I have no idea what I am looking at. Well isnt this just grand, but hey at least he got to call me!!! That was a first in all this time. Now I have to wonder if I will still be alive to see my son again. You would think they would of let me see him before they took him. I hate this friggen state this system is so messed up!!!! I am at wits end!!!!
Kim I am so happy for you getting to see your son, glad he was doing well :)
Not much good to say today, guess I have lost my positive attitude over the months. Will life ever be ok again? Or better yet will I have a life?
Darla

Hey Darla we got to talk!! email me again so I can try again to reply, there is some kind of block or something that is going on at your end of the email. I want to call you on the phone so we can talk. This is too much for you, I'm so sorry. I'd post my phone number here but that would be stupid of me. so write to cellermom@yahoo.com OK?? We aren't that far away from each other. I am here.

Peace,
Kim C

Darla,

I usually post in the wives, but had to respond to you! I don't know what it is about Texas, but the exact same thing happened to a friend of mine's son several years ago. We are in Virginia, and they sent the non-violent inmates to Texas! I don't understand it at all. It is all a racket, for sure. The ones who are doing what they are suppose to do get sent away from their families. Know that I am feeling and praying for you.

Ceil

Darla, I am so sorry to hear that they've moved your son. Without even telling you first. You would think that you would get a chance to visit before he left. I understand the logistical problems. If I ever do get to see my son, I will have to go to Nevada. I'm in California, but it will still be a 3 day trip. I thank God that at least I get to talk to him; but the cost of calling is adding up. How can I say I can't afford the calls?
This site is so helpful to me to know that my feelings are normal that someone else understands my feelings. Thank you all.

HI EVERYONE.AS YOU KNOW MY SON IS IN YARDSVILLE, 3 YEARS WITH 85%. HE JUST FINISHED HIS FIRST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE,AND HE IS GETTING A SOME TYPE OF CERTIFICATE FOR CONSTRUCTION (?). MY QUESTION TO ALL YOU MOTHERS, IS THAT SINCE HE'S DOING WELL IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO SHORTENED HIS SENTENCE. I SPOKE TO THE JUDGE, THE ONE THAT SENTENCED HIM. THE JUDGE WAS PROUD OF MY SON,BUT HE TOLD ME THERES NOTHING HE CAN DO, IT'S IN THE STATES HAND. I AM TRYING TO GET HIM IN A HALF-WAY HOUSE. SO MOMS IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO? ALSO DOES ANY1 KNOW HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO HET AN EXSPONGEMENT? WELL TAKE CARE MOMS AND TRY NOT TO WORRY SO MUCH. YEAH I KNOW EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

Hello my friends,
Today I found out my son is no longer in custody at the county jail. I guess they probably moved him out yesterday. I found out by logging on to the sheriffs website which I have been checking daily. It knocked the breath right out of me when I read "No longer in custody".
All I can do now is wait for him to write me from where ever they sent him. It has finally happened. This is the beginning of the end. He will be eligable for parole in 50 years, when he is 73 years old. Oh how my heart hurts, I love my son. I hope he isn't scared. God I hope he is OK.
Peace,
Kim

Kim
I know this is hard for you because I am going through the same thing right now. I think this site is great because you can get mad, scream, yell and it is ok. I have been following your postings since you started writing and it is preparing me for what is to come with my son. If nothing else these last 19 months I am learning patience although at times it has been hard to deal with. My son like yours is looking at life and things really don't seem to sink in until you actually have a number associated with it like you mentioned .....50 years then I realize the reality of things.I think of all the things my son is going to miss , like his children growing up, then the sadness gets worse. I start to think what I could have done different if I had to do it over again and I don't think there was anything...I did my best and he made some bad choices and it affects everyone.
We as mothers will never stop loving our children no matter. It is a bond we developed a long time ago. You continue to love and support him. It is very important that he continues to know that no matter where he is , you are there. My son told me that there are so many inmates that have no one and when he receives mail and is able to call home he realizes how lucky he is. Sometimes the other inmates ask if they can read a letter or call me to say hi just so they feel like they have someone. I use to have a problem with that but now I don't because it must be hard to have no one. I know your son probably has similiar stories he could tell you if he already hasn't. I can tell by reading your postings that you are a great mom and person. I hate the fact that my son will never be out but I am thankful he is alive. His friend was not that lucky. Take care and remember being a mom is the greatest present God gave children!

Barbara,
Thank you. You know it still does not seem real that this has all happened. Just this weekend we were getting my niece settled into her dorm at ASU (we live close to the college) and it doesn't seem fair that my son will have no life at least as we know it. He was just 20 when he was arrested. Oh well, there are things we have to accept or go crazy fighting it.
You have read all my posts ?! I have been posting for about 2 years I think. It really has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. 2 years and 8 months from the time he was arrested to the time he finally left for prison.
So your son is looking at life too? Has he been convicted yet? Is he in prison now? What state are you in? How did you find this site? And how long have you been dealing with what you are dealing with?

To everyone else --- Hey I'm doing OK, I'm holding on. Just extreme sadness floods me occasionally, I let it go it's course and then I move on. I wonder how Jay is doing.

Peace,
Kim

Darla
It broke my heart when I read your last posting. You and Kim have posted some good information for the rest of us. Now perhaps I can help you. In New Mexico there is a Wings Ministry which is a support group for families of prisoners. The web page is www.WingsMinistry.org.
The women who started this ministry is Ann Edenfield . She also wrote a book called "Family Arrested: How to survive the Incarceration of a Loved One."
Perhaps she has connections in Texas and some advice that can help you. Its worth a try. From what I understand this Wings Ministry is allover the US
Maybe there will be something that can give you some comfort. I will pray for you in your upcoming hospital visit.

Hi Kim
Glad to hear from you so soon. I live in New Mexico. My son has celebrated 2 birthdays in jail, he just turned 29. We haven't started all the court stuff yet. The judical system really is over crowded and it amazes me how unorganized they are. Nothing like the tv shows on tv thats for sure. My son has had a drug problem for 10 years, so I guess I have been dealing with this night mare for that long. The jail thing ....for 19 months. I find myself just being thankful at this point that he is alive and finding sobriety. I think sometimes we reach for some positive, don't you think? I call them Survial Skills 101.
I am not a church going person but I do believe in God. I tell my son when we are laughing and trying to make the best out of a horrible situation, that God has put him in time out for his own safety. The reckless life he was leading for the last 10 years prior to his incarceration 19 months ago , ended with one of his friends being killed when a drug deal went bad. My son has been charged with his friends death. What a reality check. My son cries not for himself but for his friend.
I am saddened very much with this situation but like I said before , my son is alive .Seems like little comfort but it is something and it does not allow me to feel sorry for myself because things could have been worse, my son could have died that night also. I do not have to go to the graveside to visit him or to talk to him. You see his friend that was murdered, his mother is my friend . It has been very uncomfortable any way you look at it. Nothing I seem to say or want to say can bring her son back.

Thanks for listening Kim. I know you do understand!

Barbara,
My sons roommate was shot and killed in his own apartment during a drug deal that went bad. My son walked in shortly after and was knocked to the ground by the guys who did it and told to mind his own business or his family would be in danger (that would be me and hubby and children).
At that time my son thought that his roommate was beat up badly laying on the bed, so after the guys left my son got up and went to the bedside where a gun was laying on the floor, he picked it up and tried to get his roomate up but when he pulled the blankets back he saw that he was shot 3 times. So he ran with the gun, didn't know what to do, thought about killing himself, anyways to make a very long and detailed story short later that night the police followed him cause he was drunk,they got him and ran a check on the car when they saw the gun and then they did a welfare check on the owner of the car which was the roommate. Went in and found him dead. Bingo! They thought it was a slam dunk. The cops never even took fingerprints at the scene or scraped under the fingernails of the dead man even though there were defensive wounds on him and it was clear that he was beat up probably tortured. The real strange thing is my son did not have one single scrape, bruise or mark on himself!!! The roommate was 8 years older and out weighed my son by a lot, plus my son is not a fighter.
My son testified in court for about 4 hours and I know he didn't do it. His lawyer, a PD, dropped the ball and didn't do a thing.
At sentancing he told the sister of dead man that they were friends and that he also grieves for his friend although it may not look like it but she would have to understand that he has been fighting for his life for the last 2 1/2 years, and he knew that she still had questions about what happened that day. She nodded at him like she was saying YES she still had questions. Even the judge told my son that he had no choice about the sentancing but he had very good grounds for appeal. The bailiff and the court reporter were shaking their heads like they couldn't believe what the verdict was.
It is all so sad, and nothing can be done except wait and hope for the appeal. But my son won't be the same if he gets out in another year or two or however long it takes for appeal.

Do they think your son did the actual killing or is it some sort of technicality?
Can you talk about your family or do you live by yourself? Other children? You are in New Mexico? How far from Phoenix because thats where I am at?
Will you be going to the trial? I am sorry for so many questions I am just trying to picture you. Don't answer them if you don't want to.

Anyways I will leave you with that. Feel free to email me also, address is a few posts back.

Peace,
Kim

i am lookinh for a dna doctor to do my dna test.and my father me.

Darla where are you?
You OK girl?

The days are long the nights are so quite since my son went away. No one in my family understands. I feel I have failed him as a mother.
The day my son was sentenced in court I smuggeled a gun inside the court not to hurt anyone. Just so I could stop the pain my son was facing and then myself. But I couldnt even do that when the chance came.
Its been 5 yrs and the pain only gets worse, I just sit in my bedroom for 2 yrs now no friends my family gave up years ago.I am ready to end this hell I am in. Do you think my son will ever forgive me?

Anonymous,
Do NOT do that to your son! Imagine the pain he would feel. Keep posting here, we all feel your pain believe me. We are friends here.
Tell us about your son or where you live or anything at all.

Hey Darla and Luzinit where are you guys??? This mom needs help. I really am worried about you, are you two OK?

Peace to all the moms and their children,
With love,
Kim

Hi Kim
Sorry it has taken awhile to write back. I usually get to use the computer sooner but not this week.
My son and his friend went to buy drugs in another town like they have many times before,. They had been friends since high school . Anyway
this time it was different. Someone at the house they went to called my sons friend a rat and several jumped him and killed him right in front of my son. My son's family (4 children and ex) were threatened that night if my son went to the police. My son finally got away from them and ran to a neighbors house. He had them call the police and he told the police what happened. They thought he was crazy and didn't follow up on it for a day or so. Meanwhile my son is in jail for trespassing. Finally after they got tired of him talking about seeing his friend murdered they decided to humor him and have him show them where his friend was. Well it turned out my son was telling the truth. My son identified 4 men who killed his friend and he too was charged with murder.I couldn't believe it, without my son they didn't even know someone had been killed. His friend lived on the streets. No he didn't do it I know my son and he cries for his friend. Yes he is guilty of buying drugs and using drugs. They had been at my house that same day laughing like silly little girls. I have one other son who is younger. I have been a single parent for 17 years. Never remarried and from some of the postings I have read I guess I am glad that I am not married. Some of my family, my mom and dad and one brother have been there for me and my son but the others are too judgemental.. I have visited my son every Friday for the last 18 months. He is in a county jail 40 miles away. I am lucky for now.I think Phoenix is about 7 hours from Santa Fe, NM where I live. It seems like outr stories are similar in many ways. I try to think of the positive from this, like I know where he is and he is sober now but sometimes it is very hard to think of him in jail for the rest of his life. You can ask me anything, it helps alot . Is there any kind of support groups in Arizona. I just found one here called Wings Ministry. I think I mentioned it to Darla. I haven't gotten to go yet but I will. Thank you for starting this sight.It is nice being able to talk to others who really do know what I'm going through and vise versa.
Take care and I'll pray for you and your son.
Your new friend
Barbara

Hello Barbara,
I don't know of any support groups out here at least any close enough to go to. Tell me about the Wings Ministry when you find out about it OK? I have to tell you my son spent 2 1/2 years in county jail before his trial and then his trial only lasted a few days. It took another 2 months for him to be sentanced and then he stayed in county for another couple months before there was a bed open at reception which is where they do testing (medical, psych, education, etc) to find just the right prison for him. Then he will have to wait for a bed to open up there before he goes to his "mainline" prison. The problem is he will to go to a level 4 (which is the highest and most secure) prison. Basically he will have to wait for someone to die before a bed will open up, he will be going where all the lifers are at. He actually left county about a week ago or so and I finally got a letter from him a few days ago. He is OK and I thank God for that. He says he gets to leave his cell 2 times a week for one hour to go out side to the yard and he gets showers about every other day for 30 seconds in cold water. He did not say if he goes to chow hall or if his food is brought to him. He did say that the guards are pretty respectful but they do carry large weapons. My baby was hardly out of high school when he was arrested and will spend the rest of his life in prison. I guess I have come to terms with this but when I start thinking about when I am dead and gone there will be no one to write, visit him. No one will be around to bury him and that is what kills me. I have to come to terms that his family and friends are now prisoners. He has stopped thinking about his life outside and having goals and dreams of a wife and family or what he wants to be. Instead he is trying to learn the prison life and how to survive it. You know it's funny but I am really proud of him I don't think I could do what he is doing. I am proud that he is going to be one tough son of a bitch.
I will always be proud of my son. It's hard to see through these never ending tears so I am going to sign out for now. I'll be back.
You also are in my prayers and thoughts daily - your son also.

Sleep well tonight my friend.
It is out of our hands.
Peace,
Kim

Hi Kim,
I'm still here. I read the posts everyday and even though I haven't been where you and Barbara & others have been, I can see these things happening to any kid. I've been printing some of the stories on here (no names) and sending them to my son in hopes that he can see what could happen if he continues with the lifestyle he was leading. A lot has happened, good and bad, since my last post. My son's skin test was positive for TB supposedly & at some point he decided not to take the meds for it, so they put him in the "hole" until he completed 7 days of the meds. He has to take it for 6 months. I just hope they know what they're doing. Believe it or not I was able to speak directly to the nursing supervisor to find out what was going on. I have to say, so far I have no real complaints about Mecklenberg. He has been classified as a "level 2" and has been given 3 possibilities of where he may end up. However, he said he probably won't go until December. Now for the really good news (I guess): His release date has been calculated to be in the middle of March 2006. That is why it is so hard for me to write any more. My heart aches for you all. I cannot imagine a life sentence. I cry because of another birthday, another Christmas, another Whatever. I guess I feel like I know a few of you now, and finally have friends for a change. Thanks for being here for me. Luzinit

To Anonymous from 8-26-05 2:20am,
You may be the only one your son has to count on. I have thought about the exact same thing, but I keep plugging on. Don't be a quitter. I even had a date marked on my calendar, but you know, that is really an easy way out. DON'T DO IT!

To everyone on this site.....
I find it truely amazing how I can relate to each and everyone of you who has wrote on this forum.I too have had the similar thoughts that anonymous 8-26-05 wrote about. We can not blame ourselves as failures. A Mothers love can never be replaced. We have a special connection to our sons. You like the rest of us have always been there for your son and just because they are in jail/prison why would we not continue to be there and continue to love and support them? We cannot. It would be selfish for us to abandon them now.
Yes we hurt and our live has changed forever but the love is still there. Your son does not blame you, you did not fail him. You will fail him only if you decide to do something that he will always blame himself for. Think about that!
Yes it is hard and I cry alot and wonder what I could have done differently raising my son but we do the best we can. Right? As hard as it is they also need to take responsibilty for their lives and happiness. Together we must make it work.
Our sons need us and we must continue to write and support each other on this site. We need to be strong so that when we do talk and visit our sons they see that we are alright regardless if we are or not. My son reacts to me and how I am dealing with this whole thing. He feels guilty enough for what he is putting me through so I try to be happy when we talk and we end up laughing alot and it feels good.He needs that just as much as I do. Continue to write because all of us here are here for the same reason. Take care

Amen to that Barbara!!!

Jeri how the heck are you girl? I sure hope everything is good for you and your sons. Your family is still in my prayers.

Darla, you got me real worried. You need to keep your friends here posted OK? Darla you are not that far from me maybe there is something I can do for you.????

Luzinit I will write more to you later.

Anyways I'm doing OK myself.
I'll check in later.
Peace,
Kim

My best friend's son has been arrested on burglary charges. He has prior arrests for assault and possession and I fear he's facing prison time. I'm looking for a resource that might provide her some solace as she is a wreck. Good people; just a kid who made some really bad choices. Any advice would be appreciated.

To:Anonymous 9-2-05 9:09pm,
Tell her about this site! These women understand & know where you're coming from. You don't have to hold back your feelings. No one is judged here. We are all just moms that love our kids unconditionally! Luzinit

Thanks, Luzinit. I'm not sure where she's at emotionally as it's only been a few days. It doesn't look good, though. I'm thinking this site will be great once the shock wears off. Right now she's just overwhelmed. Shock, fear, shame, maybe even guilt; bottom line is her 20 year old son is probably going to do time.

Hi Kim and Luzinit
It may be too soon and painful to talk about right now because it has been recently that your sons have been sent to prison but I was wondering when you feel up to it if you could share some of the differences that you have noticed between jails and prisons. I heard the prisons were alot better than the county jails.

Luzinit please don't feel bad or guilty because your son has a release date. That is great news.
Just think what you can share with the rest of us
because I think all of us live alittle through each others story.

I am thankful because the death sentence was taken off the table for my son.
That has given me something to look forward too besides visiting his grave. At least I can write to him and visit him.

Tell me about the telephone system in the prisons, I know in jail he can only call me on certain days. Also he can buy a calling card to call or he can call collect. Is that still true in prison?

Gotta go for now but will back later today
Take care
Barbara

Hi Barbara,
According to my son, prison is much better. He said, "It's like you get half your rights back." The food is better, there are regular sodas available instead of just fruit drinks, they can smoke, they can go outside (MCC even has basketball courts, and I think, a baseball field). Here, they can have their own personal walkman and tv if they purchase it through the prison. There are still the shared TVs. I've only had one problem w/phones so far through this whole ordeal. It was because my carrier would not pay a 3rd party company (MCI). So that I wouldn't have to deal with MCI directly, I switched to another provider that will pay them. If you go back to the middle of July you can read what happened. It was a nightmare. Another "benefit" of prison are the contact visits. No more sitting behind a glass window. But, the hell they put the visitors through is ridiculous. More later. Gotta Run! Luzinit

Hi again,
Sorry I had to end so abruptly, but I was at work, so you know how that goes. Anyway, back to the phone thing. When my son was in the county jail, all calls were $1.00 and were for 15 minutes. There were no limits, other than not after 10pm. Prison: Calls are $1.55 to connect, and 12.5 cents per minute w/a 15 minute limit. The maximum of 1 phone call is $3.43. Once again, there are no number limits. It must be different everywhere because a friend of mine pays like $11.00 to talk to her boyfriend for 15 minutes. He is in a private county jail. And from the sounds of what I've read on this site it seems no 2 places are the same. I guess they do what they want. You do have to be on a list to receive phone calls, but that was done as soon as he got there. No calling cards. Only collect calls, and he has called as late as 11:45pm. It may be different at his final destination, who knows? I'll be glad to answer anything that I'm capable of. I don't feel bad or guilty about my son having a release date, I just feel so sad when I think of all these young people who are never going to get another chance. And if my son doesn't straighten up, he'll be in the same boat. I guess I just don't have much faith. Take care. Luzinit

Hi all, I'm back :) Sorry I worried you Kim, as you can see I am alive and kicken. I just haven't felt like much of anything lately and haven't been on the computer at all. Things are going a little better here, nothing has changed with my son he is still in Texas and it looks like he will be there for awhile. He does at least get to call me now, so that helps some even though I havent got to see him in months and months. He actually said (after he got over the shock and anger about being sent away from home ) that life is alot better there, food treatment of inmates, living conditions etc. But he is lonesome to see us all. But other then the visiting part it is better as far as being locked up.
My procedure I had done on my heart actually came out ok :) They found I only have a small percent of blockage ane they didnt even have to put a stent in it, they said it can probably be cleared up with medicine and of course I need to stop smoking "LOL" easier said than done especially under these circumstances.
Looks like I have missed out on alot since I have been away from the puter, some new people here and all. Welcome to all of you, glad to have you join us :)
I see Jeri is with us again :) Glad to hear everything is still good with you and your son!
Anyways I am doing better now, not perfect but better :) I guess so much has happened I just got in a funk!!! This crap can sure wear a person out sometimes cant it ladies ?
Gotta go for now, will write again soon
Darla

Hello to all,
My son says it is much better in prison than county but he is still in reception for who knows how long. Store (commissary) is a lot cheaper which we both appreciate very much. He says the guards call him 'Sir'. He did get sunburned on his head when he went to yard, poor thing has not been outside for over a year! I got a second letter from him and he sounds good and that makes me really happy.
Luzinit do not feel bad about having a release date. We all will rejoice when he comes home! Even though I don't have much faith in my sons appeal he will get one (they have started it already). So maybe he will come home one day. Then I get to start worrying all over again!!! Hahaha. I haven't gotten any calls yet they may still be blocked, so I can't say much on how it works.

I am going to share with you guys what has helped me get through so much of this. It's a book called 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle.
It definately got me through the trial, honestly.
I read and reread it all the time. I highly recommend it, it's a spiritual book but not religious if you know what I mean.

Well for now I'm OK and so is my son, I am grateful for that.

Peace----sleep well,
Kim

Hi everyone,
I send out a email to my friends and family to give them a update. I want to share my story with you all.I was touched by an angel.
Barbara

August 2, 2005
Dear friends and family
It has been 18 months since Don has been in jail. Up until today it has been very frustrating dealing with the judicial system. I guess
something that I have learned and Don has also is patience. It doesn't do any good to fight the" hurry up and wait" syndrome that I am now referring this whole ordeal too.

For example, the last few months I have been taking off to drive to Santa Fe for Donald's court hearings two or three times a week during
work hours only to discover, the same results always the same. ........postponements, reschedules, unscheduled court dates scheduled, motions pending, etc etc.

Don looks at it as being able to get out of his cell for a few hours. Remember he is in his cell for 23 hours a day. A room 6 foot by 12 foot with no window , just a peak hole in a wooden door. I read a book lately called "Behind Bars"in which the author, a prisoner who has been sentenced to life in solitary confinement gives his audience an idea what that exactly means. After reading this book I do not know how Donald has been able to keep his sanity.The author of the book suggests that we go to our bathroom, shut the door and stay there for 24 hours, remember you can't leave but for only 1 hour and
during this time is only to shower and make phone calls. Hasn't been outside in months.
That is solitary confinement and how Don has lived for the last 18 months. I recently ordered a book called
FAMILY ARRESTED:
HOW TO SURVIVE THE INCARCERATION OF A LOVED ONE
This book was wrote by by Ann Edenfield.

The author's husband went to prison for 15 years and she wrote this book from the things she learned about the prison system. She also is
the founder of Wings Ministry . The web page is www.wingsministry.org
Sept. 6, 2005
I want to share something that happened yesterday Sept. 5, 2005. I was off work from the lab and the hospital. I was in my front yard
working when I heard this small voice calling my name. I looked up and saw two small girls around 11 or 12 standing at my gate. I thought it was girl scout cookie time. That's me always thinking
about food. ha

I walked to my fence to see who was calling for me and as I approached the fence I almost fainted when I saw who was standing there. It was Kayla and her friend Haley. So who are these girls you
ask? Kayla is Johnathan's daughter, the man that was killed and why Don sits in jail. I can not tell you the emotions and thoughts that rushed through my head. The site of her standing there reminded me of her father. To make a long story short I now refer to her as "my angel of comfort" .She came to comfort me and to reassure me that Donnie did not kill her father. I cannot possibly tell you the whole conversation we had but here are some of the high lights of our
conversation. She told me that she knew Donnie for a long time and she knew her dad and him were friends. She also told me that she attends a "grievance class" and invited me to go with her. She also said it made her very sad when she goes to court and Donnie crys when he sees her and she wants to tell the judge she needs to talk to him and tell him she knows he didn't kill her father.
Believe me , during this whole conversation she did most of the talking because I was crying. Then she offered to babysit and play with Donnies kids because I looked like I needed a break! This little girl of 11 years old was more mature and forgiving than most adults I know. I can not tell you the affect this had on me. She visited me a second time that day around 6:00pm. I didn't know if she was trying to kill me with kindness or what but this child touched my soul and I can tell you I will never be the same. (I think at this point my family thought I was seeing and imaging things when I shared this
story with them) She met Chris and Melissa the second time she came over , I needed witnesses that I wasn't going crazy. ha
Before she left she gave me a hug and told me Donnie was lucky to have me. She also told me she would be back because she thought I was nice and we were going to be friends.
I will be talking to Don tomorrow morning and I know he is going to cry. I know I am going to cry.

That is all I can write right now. Just an update and to let you know I have a feeling things are getting better everyday. I have an angel on my side.
Thank you for supporting Donald by writing and visiting him . Also for having the both of us in your prayers.

HI THIS IS SEXY2351 I WROTE ON JULY 14 TH 2005 MY SON MADE PAROLE ON AUGUST 9TH OF THIS YR. AND ON SEPT. 19TH AFTER 10 YRS IN PRISON HE WILL BE A FREE MAN . SO MOMS KEEP THE FAITH I WILL KEEP ALL OF YOU IN MY PRAYERS AND PRAY YOUR CHILD GETS OUT SOON ALWAYS GERTRUDE

These two books are good to know. Thats for sharing Barbara and Kim


'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle.


FAMILY ARRESTED:
HOW TO SURVIVE THE INCARCERATION OF A LOVED ONE by by Ann Edenfield.

Gertrude
That is great news! I pray things go great for your son and you.
Candi

Hey girls,
I am still here! I really hope everyone is doing well. We all need a breather once in a while, sometimes there is nothing to say or we really just don't have the energy to say much at all.
But please post occasionally just so we know you are doing OK. I use this site sometimes as a journel sort of, hoping it would be helpful for others. Well anyways I don't have much to say, I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm still kicking!!

Peace,
Kim

Good morning to all
I sure did write alot the other day but I felt that we need to share the good things that happen to us as well as the not so good.
My inner soul has been comforted by the visit from the little girl. As I mentioned this little girl, Kayla is the murdered victims daughter.
I shared this with my son and he did cry but they were tears of joy and comfort.
Finally we did find out in court that there will be separate trials for each accused. I was so afraid that they would have one trial for the 5 accused. The other 4 accused with my son are known gang members. My son wants to tell the family what happened and if they were all lumped together and had one trial, he couldn't do that. For those of you new to this site my son and his friend went to buy drugs and the deal went bad and my sons friend was murdered in front of my son. He got away and went to the police. He has also been charged with the murder......
Anyway I feel things are starting to get better.
I pray for everyone going through this.
Barbara

Barbara,
Does your son have a Public Defender? Or does he have a private attorney?

Peace,
Kim

can someone please help me to find out where I went wrong? My 20 year daughter is currently in jail for felony, she stole some items from a neighbor across the road from us. She was at the time living in a one room shack with 4 other people. We live in a modest home where she could have had her own room and everyting she needed. All we asked was that she be home before 5 in the morning. Now all she does is lie to me about everything. Does anyone know if they really have to have a money order every week for things? I just don't know where I went wrong!! Thanks for listening!

Hello Gone Wrong,
First about the money order---- I send my son envelopes and paper so he can write and I try to send money orders. They do not have to have these things BUT she will have very little. They can buy some food items and personal stuff. My son was in county jail for 2 1/2 years and I sent him about $30.00 a month for a razor to cut his hair and beard and he got stuff like soup and koolaid. He is now in prison and the stuff they buy is a lot cheaper. They have to buy their own cups and if they want an extra pillow or blanket. It's the little things that can make life more tolerable.

It's my guess in your daughters case drugs were involved (probably Meth). We all do the best we can as mothers. I would strongly advise you to go to a Naranon or Alanon meeting. She is 20 years old and is her own person with her own life and will make her own mistakes and create her own success. We all love our children but we cannot live their lives for them. You need to take care of yourself as best you can. I still struggle with this whole mess but I am learning to let go of things that I do not have control over.

Please keep posting it will help you. I've been here for a couple years now and don't know what I would have done without this site.

Peace,
Kim C

Dear Gone Wrong
My son has been in the county jail for almost 20 months. I send him a cashier check but it must have, in my sons case his D number plus his name. The D number is the number he is associated with.
Every jail has a limit of what they can spend a month.I was surprized that he has to buy almost every thing. including Toliet paper. I think each jail have their own rules. I* send my son blank greeting cards so he can send them to his kids for their birthdays. The jail he is in is privately owned, different than county owned.I would bet the the girls would have to buy their personal hygiene for that "certain time of the month" In Colorado the inmates pay a monthly rent fee to be there.Cell rent
Please don't blame yourself. It doesn't do any good and I have found that we need to keep our strengh up to get through this process. I recently sent my son a book containing positive affirmations to say daily. It is very important to try to keep them in a positive mood.


Kim,
An attorney from the capital defense office in New Mexico called me and volenterred to do my son's case pro bono. (free) Its a good thing because I couldn't afford a lawyer. His lawyer specializes in only capital crime cases.
How is your son doing? How are you doing? I find it interesting that even though I am not the one in jail, I also am serving time.
Back on Sept 4th I wrote and said the death sentence was taken off the table well I am finding out that the judical system is messed up.I think the law is made up as they go, at least fromn the state side. Since the judge granted separate trials the DA now says she has additional evidence and that she will seek the death penalty for all. I don't get it, additional evidence , but the lawyer doesn't seem to have concerns over this because there is a limit in time when they have to file. It is way over that time frame but they like to act like they can do anything that they want too. She is a joke . I go Friday to see what motions my sons lawyer will file to get the DP thrown out. I'll let you know how things go. It may have to go to the supreme court which has no time frame and it could be there for 3-4 years before they rule on it. New Mexico is a DP state but in the last 25 years only 8 were sentenced to death , 6 still waiting and appealing it . Other states who have the DP have at least 50 a month on death row.
Moms take care and give yourself a hug.
Barbara

Barbara

Barbara-
I still have chills from reading the words 'Death Penalty'. I was very scared that I was going to hear those words in my sons case. My son sent me, in his last letter, the request form for prisoners on how they want to die. It was the first thing I saw when I opened up the letter and I almost hit the ground in shock. He was sending it to me kind of as a joke, he thought I'd get a kick out of it. He also in that letter told me he had to fill out papers on where he wants his body to go in the event of death. He said he almost put down the White House but then he thought better of it and put me on the form. He is such a kidder! I wonder if he has really thought this through because I will probably be dead and there won't be anybody to bury him, unless of course his girlfriend sticks around but she would be a fool to do that for her whole life.
You are lucky to have that attorney. We started out with a private attorney but it cost us $15,000 to just get us to the prelimenary trial. We soon realized it would cost us hundreds of thousands to go through this whole thing. Telling my son we could no longer afford it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Well, I'll talk to you later.

Peace,
Kim

Hi everyone, Im back again. Going through alot of shit here with the AZ department of corrections. I think I told everyone that my son was sent to Texas a little over a month ago? Well guess what? He is in Newton Correctional facility. Newton is one of the towns that was evacuated because of Hurricane Rita. Also Newton has been declared a disaster area by president Bush as of 9-24-05 Well I found out they evacuated the whole town EXCEPT for the prison!!! Isnt that lovely ? I have been calling everywhere, I called Texas they tell me everyone is ok, except for roof damage to the prison and trees down everywhere. Also they have been without running water, electricity and all that. Things will not be restored for 2 weeks to a month. Also the phones are supposidly out, I find that rather strange the inmates phones are out when the staff phones are working fine. I called the director of out of state beds here in AZ, I asked why the inmates were left to weather the storm when the whole town was evacuated, he told me they didnt feel it was necessary !!!! I cant flippen believe this shit!!! I also asked what they are going to do to get them out of there and was told NOTHING!!! He said they are all doing fine and that half of Texas had no power or running water. My response was well half of Texas isnt locked in a cage where they cant get out. They have no AC in there of course, hot, smelly toilets that can only be flused when they bring water up from the creek. This is insane. I guess inmates dont count as they are just inmates. Nobody cared if they would have died, they just left them there like dogs and took a chance. Now they are still leaving them in there like caged animals. I have even called the Governors office, of course they took a message to pass on ( still have not gotten a response back) I cannot believe that this state is just going to leave those guys there in that kind of shit, and most of all I cannot believe that they had the right to just leave them there in prison when they eye of the storm hit right there. They were warned ahead of time and did nothing to move them. I dont think this is legal is it?
I hope everyone is doing well. Just when one thinks things will get better it seems to get worse so who knows huh? :)
Take care all
Darla

Hi all I am new to this site. I have a son that has been arrested for a felony in Philly. He is currently awaiting trial at the Curran Fromhold correctional facility. Anyone else have a loved one there?

My son is accused of a very serious crime one which could lead him to the death penalty.

I am so depressed I am also on anti depressants, don't know if they are working yet.
I am glad to have found this site, maybe just to get some understanding from people in similar circumstances, or just to vent.

How do I get through each day without falling apart?

Dawn F.

Welcome Dawn,
You ask how do you get through this without falling apart. Well....you will fall apart BUT you will put yourself back together and you (if you are like me)will do this many times. I am not doing too bad now but I have had lots of practice over the last 3 years in which my son was waiting for his trial and then sentanceing and then the move out of the county jail, now we wait for him to be moved out of reception and into his regular prison that he will spend the rest of his life in.
I have gone through every emotion - anger, deep sadness, guilt, hatred, everything. Not once but many times. I prayed, lit candles, made deals with God and the devil, looked high and low for support groups, begged my husband to listen to me, tried to get my friends to understand, everything I tried until I guess I realized I had to accept what is. I then started letting go, not of my son but of the situation. I am doing OK now but I also know that I most likely will fall apart again at some time but again that too will pass like all the other times.
You will get through this one tear at a time, one prayer at a time, one howl of agony at a time, one gratefull feeling at a time.
This site has been almost everything to me, I know the people here understand what I am going through. Please feel free to say anything here, please come back and post. We are here.
I have been posting for almost 2 years, go back and read my insanity. You will get through this, you have no choice.
With much love to you and all my friends here,
Peace,
Kim

Kim,
Thank you for your encouragment. Everything that you wrote sounded like it came from me, Everything you say you felt and did is exactly what I am feeling. But the one thing that I am so tired of hearing from friends and family is you are not the one who did anything wrong to end up in jail, let him go. But everyday I feel like I am in jail right along with him.
I did't think that my heart could ever be broken like it is right now. My life has been very hard at most times in my life, but those times were nothing compared to the hardness of this.
Thanks for listening and responding to me.
I will post again.

Dawn

Dawn,
You are in your own prison, your friends and others cannot understand this. He is your son, this is what unconditional love is. Plus you are in the waiting game of the impending trial. This is a very, very hard place to be. Don't be surprised if there are a lot of continuances, that's where they set a date for trial and then on that day they change the date again. You will get sick as that day approaches, the anxiety is Hell. We went through about 2 years of this. I became sick to my stomach, would wake up screaming in the night, was scared to death that I would freak out in the court room, I was scared of what I would hear in that court room. I was most afraid of seeing my son scared, this is what scared me the most Dawn. I felt so helpless to help him and I had to sit and watch the torture my child was going through. He was only 20 when arrested. He is 23 now and still hasn't been moved to his prison. This whole process takes so long. How old is your son? Do you have other children? Married? Tell me about yourself if you don't mind.
If you scroll up to January 30, 2004 that is where I started posting, maybe reading what I have written will help in some way.

Peace be with you,
Kim

Kim,
I have two other sons ages 23 and 18, they want nothing to do with their brother. I am married but not to my sons father. My son's father also wants nothing to do with this situation.
My husband tries to be as supportive as he can, and I know it is hard for him to understand my torment, it scares him. He thinks that I may completly lose touch with reality.
I am so scared to death of the unknown. I don't want my son to be excecuted or even face a life sentence. But I fear that if he is convicted this is what he may face.
I am now on anti anxiety and anti depressant medications just to get through the day.
I work fulltime as a nurse, but thank God I have a flexible schedule, so I can take time off anytime I want to.
And the terrible part is I cannot afford a lawyer
for my son so he has a Public defender.
I have prayed to God to end my life because I cannot bear this pain, I don't know how much I can take. But I am to chicken to end it myself, and I know that I am all my son has.
So, for now I am just taking it one day at a time.

Grateful for your shoulder,
Dawn

Dawn,
It is hard to carry the emotional load, it is a back breaker. It would be so nice if there were others to help us carry it. The others carry their own load. Dawn, I had a huge turn around in how I felt when I accepted that, whether I was gonna accept it or not, I was going through this one way or the other. For some reason I focused (prayed) for a stronger back instead of a lighter load. I actually started feeling grateful for so many things that I took for granted, it was as if my eyes were focusing on things differently. I tell you I am not a religious person but I have become much more spiritual, hard to explain. Yes I do have my times of falling apart but I accept that I am falling apart and it passess just like everything else. I am learning that this world cannot give me anything that lasts, even my thoughts and emotions are fleeting. When I accept for this moment (not yesterday, not tommorrow)what life has brought me, when I stop argueing with what is and surrender - kind of like nonresistance, I find I stop obsessing and my mind becomes calmer.

"Acceptance of the unacceptable is the greatest source of grace in this world."

"Throughout history, there have been women and men who, in the face of great loss, illness, imprisonment, or impending death, accepted the seemingly unacceptable and thus found "the peace that passeth all understanding." "

Eckhart Tolle
'Stillness Speaks'

Dawn you are in my thoughts and prayers,
Peace,
Kim

P.S. When I start ranting and raving someone please remind me of what I just wrote here!!! :)

Dawn welcome
I too know all the emotions and feelings you are going through. My oldest son was facing the death penalty also until just two weeks ago. He has been in the county jail for 20 months and like Kim has said you are going to learn patience if nothing else through this. You will discover who your friends are and those that are not. You will be shocked at how the family reacts. I thought I knew my family and when my son was charged with murder, their true colors came out. Cowards most of them.
I am a single parent with 2 sons. These last 20 months have also changed me......for the better I think. We take so much for granted and when something disrupts our comfort zone it is a new world we walk into. I never thought of myself as being judgemental before this but the truth is I probably was because I closed my eyes to things happening around me because I thought it couldn't happen to me or my family. Since my son has been in jail, I find that my eyes and heart are wide open.
Homeless people on the street remind me of my son days before he was arrested. He told me that people were very kind to him when he asked for help. I find myself helping the homeless now because when I see them I see my son. I find myself when waiting to visit my son at the jail hugging complete strangers because it is their first time to the jail visitng a loved one and they (like I once was myself) are totally embarrassed by the whole situation. It is a new world we have entered into but like Kim has said we (you) are not alone.
I felt like you in the beginning. I'm sure since you are a nurse always helping others that it may seem unnatural that you are now the one needing love, support and help. We are all here for each other. Because we know the pain, you are going through we know because we too are going through it with you. Some of us are in different places but we all seem to go down the same road.
It is very important that your son knows that you are there for him and always will be. Yes it will take a toll on you so please take care of yourself. There are days that will be good and then there are those that are awful. You pray and remember to take care of yourself!
Keep writing to us it really does help
Take care
Barbara

Hi Kim
There is something that the word death penalty and Cancer have in common. They seem to be two words that can take ones breath away just hearing the words.
I was so releived when the judge told the DA that she took too long to make this a death penalty case. His words were "You snooze and you loose"Theres a law that the supreme court passed back in April 2004 that if one is going to be charged with the death penalty it must be done within 90 days of the arrest. My son was arrested one month before the new law took affect but the lawyer kicked butt in court and the judge was impressed with his motions and ruled in our favor. Thank goodness.
He has a trial date in December this year but it will probably be more like early spring.
I went to see my son today and it was quite amazing. The jail is going to be run by the county in October . Currently it is run by a private sector. Anyway I got there early and was first to see him but they couldn't find any hand cuffs to take him to the visitng area. Apparently some of the guards were let go when the county won the contact and took the handcuffs. The warden and I have established a good relationship and he came out and saw me waiting and I told him I found it somewhat amuzing that a jail couldn't find any hand cuffs so that I could visit my son. He went to his office made a phone call and I saw my son within minutes. I guess you have to keep your sense of humor.
How are you doing? You are a very strong women and have come along way since your first posting. I think you have given all of us some very good advice and words of comfort.
God bless you
Talk to you soon
Barbara

Hello all,

You women are so amazing! I was never one to have many friends, always to busy or just preferred solitude. However; since this horrible event happened there is nothing like being able to talk to people who know just excatly what you are going through. I thank all of you for that.
The days go so slowly and I think is this how the rest of my life is going to be, wow, just to heavy to think about. But I try to persevere.
Well, it's time to take my ativan.
Bye for now.
Love and hugs to you all.

Dawn

Darla
Just when you think you have heard it all and then I read your posting.
Don't they know that we worry enough without all the extra crap. Hope you've heard from your son since your posting.
Question....once sentenced do they usually keep moving them around from state to state?
Hang in there and I will say a prayer for you and your son
Barbara

Barbara
No I have not heard from my son directly, but I have found out by calling around to Texas and here in Arizona that he has been brought back here and is in Eyman Prison now, that is up in Florence AZ only 104 miles from me now. So I am assuming he is ok and I will hear from him soon. I dont know if that is the normal to keep them moving like that but for my son he has been moved 7 times now in less than a year between county jail and state prison. I know Az has a overcrowding problem that is why they sent my son out of state, they have like 3 facilitys out of state they rent space from. Nothing seems to get better everytime I think it will it seems to go bad again. I never got to see him when he was here in AZ, it took 4 months for my visiting form to get approved and then when it did they sent him to Texas 3 days before the day I was to get to see him. Now he is back and I thought oh good I will go see him this saturday (visiting day ) only to find out when I called today, that now even though I was approved finally in August they now have me listed as IN-Active because the prison that approved it never sent the original application with his file. Until they do that I was told again that I cannot visit. Again I find myself on the phone calling around, the other prison says its BS they dont need that. Basically they are both blaming the other saying they are wrong. Of course here I sit once again and cannot see my son. Go figure. I have a call into family and friends at the prison so I hope they can help me out. And here he cannot call until they get his phone list set up,at least when he was in texas he could call.
I am so glad to hear that your son will not have to face the death penalty, that has to be of some relief to you. But I do know what you are going through, I think the waiting and wondering the outcome of trial was the worst part. I dont know, it is a emotional rollercoaster for sure. All us moms here have our stories to tell, all different but then all the same in suffering. I sometimes wonder if our boys really know what they are doing to us along with them ? We love our sons and have no choice but to just keep on keeping on even though some days I wonder if I will make it :) There are good days and bad, some worse than the others but like Kim said we all make it and go on. They are our sons, no matter what.
Thanks for support and prayers :) Things will get better I am sure. I will keep you in my prayers also.
Darla

Hello Barbara and Kim,

I am going to see my son tommorrow, I hope I don't cry to much.

I will be driving the eight hour round trip by
myself. Wish me luck.

I need an angel on my shoulder.
I will let you know how it was on my return.

Dawn

Dawn,
Hope you slept well before your trip. I'll be thinking about you all day and sending strong energy your way :) I'll be with you in spirit. If you read this before you go tell your boy hi for me and let him know that there is a lady in Arizona praying for him and the rest of his family.

Be strong Dawn.
Peace,
Kim

Hi Dawn,
I haven't posted in a while, but the more I read, the more I realize that everyone's story is about the same. We all love our kids, and feel helpless to the situations they are in. We feel like we are all alone, and usually are. I guess it must be a "mother" thing. When push comes to shove, I guess we're always going to be there for them. If you've already visited with your son I hope all went well. If not, I hope it goes well. It's a shame he's so far away. You will get through this, and you'll look back and wonder "how?" My son is not going to be away that long (at least not this time) and I didn't think I'd survive it, or even want to. But, here I am. The other moms on this site have really put a lot of things into perspective for me; especially Kim & Barbara. A lot of times I'll go back and read some of their thoughts just to get me thinking on the right track again (away from suicide). I know it may sound stupid to some people, but the thought does become overwhelming at times. Hang in there!!! Luzinit
P.S. Welcome, sorry we had to meet this way.

Hi Kim and Luzinit,
Thank God I had a safe Journey, and my visit with my son went well. I arrived at the prison at 2:30 pm and had to wait to see him until 5:00pm due to a 3:00pm lockdown for a Musilim religious ceremony or some such event.
While I was waiting I went outside to smoke and became very tearful, I tried to shield myself so noone would see me crying, but a woman came to talk to me and gave me comfort, then another mother came over to me and we began talking when I told her I was from Connecticut and the prison was in Philly she offered me a place to stay in her home any time I came to visit so I could visit my son two days in a row instead of one visit then the long drive home, she gave me her business card so I could call her to tell her when I would be comming. Imagine that, I am a stranger to this woman and she offered me a place to stay. God does work in mysterious ways.
I still cannot believe it. Mothers are really amazing creatures. Always ready to help someone in need.
Kim I told my son about you and he thanks you for your prayers, and I also thank you. I felt your goodwil on my long drive and I was thanking every step of the way.

Luzinit, I can truly understand your thoughts, I feel that way sometimes also. But like alcoholics and drug abusers trying to kick their habits, we must take one day at a time.

Love you all and God Bless you
Dawn

Dawn and all other mothers,
WE ARE AMAZING!!!!!
And don't you ever forget it :D
You guys made me smile!

Peace,
Kim

Dawn
So glad you got to see your son and that you had a safe trip. Your story doesn't surprize me that someone reached out to you while you were there. No matter who we are ,..... we are all in the same boat with our sons and that is why it is so easy to connect with each other and that is the bottom line. There are angels all around us and protecting us daily as we go through this.
I visit my son on Fridays. I took my 4 grandchildren with me this last friday for a contact visit. This is the 4th one that we have had in 20 months. It does everyone good because they make us laugh. My son has gained alot of weight and the kids ages 10,9,8 and 6 are shocked at the new look. Curly hair, and all.
This is a great site and I too am so glad I found it. Thanks ladies.
Barbara

Kim, Luzinit and Dawn
Just checking in to say hi and hope all is well. (at least as well as it can be)
I've been busy this last week helping my other son and his wife (newly weds since my other sons arrest) paint their new place they are buying. They have been living with me since this all happened. I'll miss them when they leave but they live only a few houses from me so they aren't really going to far.
take care ladies and I pray for all of you and your sons.
Barbara

Dawn
I am so glad to hear that you got to see your son, and that was so nice of the lady who offered you her home, there are truly some good people in this world. I also got to see my son yesterday !!!! I think you passed some of your good luck my way:) It was only a one time special visit until I fill out new applications and get approved again (because of there paperwork error ) but it was so nice as this was the first time I have gotten to see him since he went to prison :)
Barbara
My son like yours has gained a lot of weight, I was so surprized,he was just a skinny guy when he went in and has now put on about 20 pounds, he doesnt look fat thow :) Actually he is all muscle, he says he has been working out and it shows. Just so amazing to see the change.
Kim
The trip to see him was only 2 hours each way, he is up in Florence. I thought of you when I passed by :) I was really surprized I didnt run into alot of road construction on the weekend. How is Skylar ? Has he been placed in permanent housing yet?
Take Care all, you and your sons are always in my prayers :)
Darla

Darla,
Skylar is not in his mainline prison yet, still in reception. He is doing pretty good as far as I know.
You were so close to me when you went to Florence! I wish I had your phone number because yesterday my daughter had a soccer game in Anthem and I was thinking how cool it would have been to meet you face to face! New River is about 6 miles from Anthem. We have to get together at some point you know, we live too close to each other to not meet up!! Do you still have my phone number I sent email??? One day you will call :)
Anyways everyone sounds OK and that is good.

Peace,
Kim

Dawn and Darla
I have to let you know that I have confused myself when writing to you guys. I am thinking about the both of you and your sons so if I happen to get your names confused when answering I am truely sorry.

Darla my son too also looks better with the weight gain. He was too skinny also. All the court stuff is an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I can hardly breath.

Dawn
if you don't mind me asking what is your son accused of that he is facing the death penalty? If it is too painful to talk about I do understand. My son was facing it also.

Hi Kim This sight is great isn't it. Did you start it?

Luzinit
I too go back and read all the postings especially when I am having a bad day and it does help.

Take care and have a great week. We need to take care of ourselves!
Barbara

Dear Gone Wrong Mom
We haven't heard from you for a while How are you and your daughter doing? Please write.
I know we have all talked about our sons but it really does help to stay in contact with everyone on this site.
I am thinking about you and saying a prayer for you
Barbara

Barbara,
I did not start this site, Toni did. She posts on the "Wives of the incarcerated". After you get to this site click 'community' and scroll down to the bottom and click the 3rd icon that says '7 day' and you will see who has posted in the last 7 days. Usually the "Mothers" and the "Wives" are the most active.

I am most interested in how everyone found this site. I found it out of complete desparation. I typed in 'mothers of murdurers'!!! I was looking for anything. Somehow I got here and didn't know how to post anything, I am not very computer savvy. But anyways I am here and thats a good thing as Martha would say.

Darla---
We may be in Prescott this Saturday for a soccer game. If we go I'll be passing by New River. I'll be thinking of you.

I'm gonna go watch the clouds float by and send good vibes to all you guys.

Peace,
Kim

Barbara,

My son is accused of capital felony murder.
Please tell me what you mean when you say your son was facing the same thing, was there a reduction in the charges or a plea bargain.

Dawn

Dawn
I know where you are coming from. Read my posting Aug 27, 2005 and Kim's on Aug 27. We know exactly what you are feeling.
The charges have not been dropped or reduced. No plea either at this time. The DA dropped the ball because there is a 90 day period in which the death penalty can be filled at least here in New Mexico.
Do you want to tell us about your son? Read our postings first ok
Take care Dawn.
Your friend
Barbara

Kim
That is too funny that you were out here by my place last saturday and I was by yours the same day. Anthem is just a hop skip and jump from me, that is where I do all my grocery shopping etc, as New River is just a small community and we dont have those things :) Yes you will pass by here on your way to Prescott, it should be nice up there this weekend, I assume the leaves will be falling soon off the trees ? I love that time of year.
Barbara
Dont worry about the confusion :) We will figure it out "LOL" I think all of us moms are confused alot :)
Jeri------- are you still out there somewhere? If you are give us a holler, would love to know how your son is doing, and if the other one is getting out soon. Hope you are all fine and I think about you alot.
I havent heard from my son now since I got to see him last week for the special visit ( big laugh ) I cant stand this system as you all know, I am surprized not even a letter, that is unusual for him. Hopefully they havent moved him again.
Thinking about you all and your boys :) wishing the very best.
Darla

Barbara,
Go online and type in Asia Adams and or Thomas Strode in Philadelphia. It is to painful for me to write, so see the articles for yourself.
However I do believe that my son did not do this.
Please let me know if you find the articles.
Articles posted Nov 2004,
Dawn

My son too was in jail but he has gotten the break he needs. He hung around the wrong people and ended up on meth and he was stealing from us. My husband finally had enough and kicked him out. I was petrified and every day he was gone I worried about him dying because of the drug. He worked with my husband and I would send him meals. My son worked and did everything he was supposed to..sometimes with resentment but when he was kicked out he made a terrible mistake. He and some friends stole a car. He has sat in jail for 6 months now but as of today he went to a rehab center in Stockton Ca courtesy of Monterey County. I hope and wishh the best for him With out the help of the director and his public defender he is now getting the help he needs. They say that talking with county workers will do no good well i stuck with it and actually made them call me which they did and did what they said they were going to do. GET MY SON SOME HELP.

Dawn
I did read the articles. I can tell you right now that between newspapers and tv it is never reported correctly. My advise is to not watch or read about it. I know the things they said my son did made me want to call them up and tell them the real truth.
The first news reported my son hired 4 men to kill his friend yet he was there when they did it and he had helped them. These kind of things made me crazy.
We as mothers know our sons better than they know themselves and if you tell me he didn't do it, I believe you! Really!
Another good book I just read and really helped is called Families of the jailed , a book of hope by Margret and Rodger Stevens. Rodger and his mother wrote this book. Rodger is in prison. Margret is a minister, his mother.
This book helps you cope with feelings of shame , bitterness,anger,despair and hopelessness.
Dawn I know you because my son is facing the same type of charges that your son is.
We as mothers need to keep positive and move beyond the betrayal, anger and the desire for revenge.
I hope you are doing alright. You be there for your son no matter what. He needs your love and support.

Dawn,
I also read the article. I also know that the reporters write down anything they want to and get most of their info from the prosecutions side. My son was also in the papers, not as lengthy an article as your sons but the one little paragraph they did write was full of crap and came right from the prosecuter. My sons girlfriend and her mother called the paper and they kind of put in a retraction of sorts.
Anyways I never believe anything that they write anymore, they don't investigate at all. All they do is ask the police and the prosecution what happened and then take their word for it.
This whole thing is maddening, the minute anyone is arrested the whole world considers them guilty and they have to prove their innocence.
It's all a sham. I have stopped trying to talk to people about it because they will never understand, they don't want to believe it. The only ones who believe me are people who have been through it. So Dawn, I'm not sure what to tell you --- all I know is that my heart hurts for all the mothers here. It is not good to become angry it will eat you up faster than anything and make you into a very ugly,bitter person. I know, I've been there. I occasionally revert back to that person as you can see in some of my past posts. But overall I think I have become a much better person going through this -- it certainly is a humbleing experiance.

With love for you,
Kim

Hi Mothers
A friend of mine looked up some information that I am passing on to you. It gives alot of information for your state. Type in the web page only not the state I found the one for New Mexico to be helpful.
Barbara

http://www.tifa.org/ (Texas)

http://dc.state.fl.us (Florida)

http://www.vadoc.state.va.us/offenders/default.htm (Virginia)

http://www.corr.ca.gov/default2.asp
(California)

http://www.adc.state.az.us/ (Arizona)

(Pennsylvania) http://www.cor.state.pa.us/ and
http://www.cor.state.pa.us/portal/lib/bis/Handbook_for_Families_and_Friends.pdf

made a mistake on the Florida information it should be

http://www.dc.state.fl.us

my daughter 21 was transported out of western regional jail wv yesterday-supposedly to Lakin correctional facility. anyone with information on Lakin, correctional billing changes, please let me know. i am in Michigan, and have not seen Kacy since August 1. I write to her everyday, and talked to her every other day. Just to let you know, I am heart broken too. In fact, Kacy and I just talked about when this all started- well over 2 years ago. Friends and family alike have said to forget about her. I always say NEVER. I will always be here for her, through good and bad times. This has had a huge impact on our family also- Kacy has two brothers that are tormented, as well as her father. Sorry to babble- anyone with info on Lakin, let me know.

Hi Bev :)
Welcome to the site. Sorry to hear about your daughter,we all here know what you are going threw. My son just turned 21 in prison and well know the torment and pain of missing him. If you dont mind my asking how long is your daughter's sentance? I dont have any information on Lakin as I am in Arizona but maybe you could try typing it in your keyword and something would come up on the computer. Arizona's DOC website lists all there prisons and the information on them, maybe WV would have one of them too. Dont listen to your family and friends, you are a mom and you will never be able to forget your daughter, the best we can do as mothers is learn to deal with it. It's very hard and there is up's and downs, good days and bad but as moms we dont have any other choice. Things are easy for people to say, advice is given alot by those meaning well but no one really knows how the heart feels until it happens to them. I hope you come back and talk with us here on the forum,it has helped me to have comfort of others that understand. It is a good place to vent and share good things with others :)
Darla

Thank you for the comforting words Darla. Kacy has two sentences- 1-15 years, and 1-5 to run consecutively. Her lawyer thinks she will only serve 2 years- but- he also thought she would only get probation, this being her first offense. (So- what does that tell you? He doesn't know anything) I am also happy to have found this website. I did check for Lakin on the computer, but, currently WV does not have a data base for the prison, only regional jails. I am still waiting to hear from Kacy- it is breaking my heart not to. Thanks again for listening.
Bev

Bev,
So sorry to hear your heart is breaking so. I well know the feeling, for the past year I have gone threw the same thing with not hearing from my son off and on every time they transfer him. If your state is anything like AZ all I can tell you is be prepared for that to happen alot. I worry myself almost to death sometimes and then I hear from him and feel better, then it happens again. It is a shitty way to live, but it is what it is. One thing I have found out is the prison system really doesnt care at all about what they put the family through either.One thing you may try to sort of comfort your mind. In Arizona each inmate gets a counselor at the prison they are in, if you can find the number for Lakin to call and check to see if your daughter is indeed there. They should be able to give you that information over the phone, if she is there ask if she has a counselor that you could speak with. If not then ask who you could talk to about your daughter and tell them you are concerned and that you have not heard anything from her. Sometimes it takes alot of calling around and talking to alot of people, but I have found out alot of things that way about my son when I was worried. There must be some sort of information number to the department of corrections in WV, start there and it may take a few calls but you should find out something. Good luck and I hope you hear something soon. I will pray for good news about your daughter.
Darla

Hi Darla,
Kacy called me last nite- I cried, and told her they were tears of joy!! She said she was in 72 hour lock down (because of the transfer) I also got a package from Western Regional with all her belongings she couldn't take to Lakin today- that made me cry again- it was the last outfit I saw her in. At least I know she is ok for the minute.
I apologize- how is your son doing?? I was so involved with my own torment I as sorry for not asking you. I hope he is also doing well and you are hearing from him. It is torture not to.
Thank you for listening I apprecieate it very much- for a moment I thought I was loosing my mind.

Take care- talk to you tomorrow.

Bev

Hello and welcome Bev-
Just wanted to say your last post touched my heart. I could picture you holding her clothes. Bitter sweet. If I got a package like that I probably would sleep cuddled up in the clothes.
I do have one of my sons T-shirts hanging in my closet that I get out from time to time and cuddle with. Anyways just wanted to say hi and let you know I am here and thinking about you and Kacy.

Peace,
Kim

Bev
That is such great news :) I am so happy for you that you got the call. It sure helps with some of the stress. It is so hard to not hear from them when all we do is worry. I hear from my son by mail and he seems to be doing fine, I actually think he is taking this better than me. I just cant get over the thought of him doing 8 years in that hell hole!!! I stll dont get calls because they dont have his phone list approved yet but hopefully soon. I know about the clothes deal too :) My son has been locked up for almost a year now and I still cant bring myself to wash the dirty ones that were left in his room in the basket!!!! I know this will sound nuts but sometimes I just go in there and grab a shirt out and hold it to me (they still smell like his cologne) My husband says I should pack everything away from his room and put it in the closet but I have left his room the way he left it. Sometimes my husband ticks me off, I mean my son will come home someday. Anyways here I ramble on "LOL"
How did your daughter sound ? Is she handling this well? I guess I dont understand her sentence, what does 1-15 years mean ? Here in Arizona they sentence you to so many and that is the amount you do besides good time, like my son got 8 years, meaning if he doesnt get in any trouble in there with good time which is 85%, then he can be out in 6 1/2 instead (that is if the parole board ok's it) but no chance of getting out any sooner than that. So does that mean your daughter can possibly only do a year but maybe 15 ? And if so who decides that?
Hope your weekend is going well, talk to you later.
Darla

Kim,
How are you doing these days? Have you got to talk to Skylar at all? I think about you guys all the time. Love your emails you send me :) You know I have been wondering about Jeri, I think you used to talk to her via emails didnt you? She hasnt posted in along time and I was just wondering if you had heard anything.Would like to hear if she is doing ok and if her other son ever got to come home. So Jeri if your still reading the posts give us a update, at least say your OK :)
Hello to all the other mom's on here :) Hope everyone is coping well and doing good. Have a great weekend :):)
Darla

Hello, I am new to this and need so much support, My 18 year old is in jail on 2 second degree assult charges, I do not know if he is guilty or innocent, I cannot see him for reasons he has not fill out a visitors list and i cannot talk to the public defender untill next week. This is my sons first time in jail and I know he is scared. I too am scared and so confused. I have never had to go through this and I dont know what to do. I wish my son was able to call me but i have no home phone just a cell and jail doesnt allow collect calls to cell phones. I love my son and i understand that he needs to grow up and if he is guilty needs to understand there are consequences but it hurts me as his mother not being able to tell him i love him and I am praying for him. I know that he possibly could spend the next few years in prison. I dont know how to think anymore or go on with daily task I cant eat or sleep for i worry and am scared for him being that it is his first felony and first time in jail. If anyone can offer words of encouragement please do so. My son has been through so much in his life and suffered so much pain he has so much good in him but he fails to see it or use it.
In Christ
Sindy
webmaster@scnwd.com

Hi Sindy
Welcome
First of all you have found a great place to share your thoughts and worries. We are all going though the same type of things with our kids and to be able to talk to someone who really knows all the fears, thoughts and pain seems to help alot.
What state are you in? If your son has never been in trouble before it is really possible he may only get probation depending on the charges. Were there any other charges besides the 2nd degree assult?
By the time you read this you may have already spoke to the public defender. If so I hope he clears up some of your questions as well.
As far as the phone goes you are right about collect calls on cell phones. Since you don't have a phone at home I would suggect you write to your son as often as you can and go visit him if you can.
Continue to share and write to us all here. We care and we will pray for you and your son
Take care of yourself.
Barbara

Dawn
How are you doing? Haven't seen you post in awhile. How is your son doing? I let my son know about this site to ease his mind alittle for worrying about me so much. He liked hearing about the support I was getting for everyone on this site. I think sometimes they worry more about us.
My son and I are very close , are you and your son? Take care

Kim
I found the site just like you did.... typed in mothers of murderers . How about that we both typed in the same. I had tried to type in other things but nothing really came up so as a last resort I typed in those 3 words. How are you and your son doing? Nothing going on with my sons case. Just waiting.

Darla
Hi how are you doing? I think of you often. Do you live in Prescott? My son was in a half way house there for 6 months. I belive it was called A Solution House. Prescott seems like a nice town. I visited him there a couple of times. Sometimes I wished he had stayed there instead of coming back to NM. Take care

Bev
Welcome. I am sorry to hear about your daughter. I don't know to much about girls in jail but I would think it would be similiar to the guys in jail,rules and all. As far as friends and family members supporting you(us) it seems like sometimes we are doing this alone. I found in the beginning I would get mentally drained trying to answer all questions, defending and just plain trying to keep the family together and after awhile I said the hell with it. I am going to be with my son with or without others support. I had to get focused on what was important and it was my son and helping him the best I could with positive things and thoughts. He had enough negitive to deal with.

Everyone God Bless and take care. Its nice knowing we have each other!!!!
Barbara

Hello Barbara,

I'm still here reading posts everyday. I'm just taking one day at a time.
I went back to work just to keep my mind busy, and of course I need the money.
Looking forward to seeing my son again, I am going this comming thursday.
I also told my son about this site and he was glad that I am participating in it.

Dearest Sindy,
My heart breaks for you, we all know just how you feel. Please just take one day at a time and pray all you can it helps. Come back here and visit all you can even if you don't post just reading helps to know that you are not alone.
Barbara, I totally agree with you being there for your son with or without others support, unfortunatley for the most part we are on our own, when it comes to our incarcerated loved ones.
When I went to see my son the last time, the jail allows you to get your pictures taken together for two dollars each we took two one for my son and one for me. Sometimes when I am down it helps just to look at it, to see my son and myself together.
I love all you guys, thanks for being there for me, when no one else was, you all give me such strength. It would be so nice if we all lived close by so we all could get together.
I am in Connecticut anyone else close by?
Anyway bye for now.
God Bless and Love you all.

Dawn

Bev
maybe this site can give you some contact numbers
its worth a try
http://www.wvf.state.wv.us/wvdoc/
or
http://www.wvf.state.wv.us/wvdoc/lcc.htm


Dawn
A picture of the 2 of you! How great. I hope that will happen for my son and I also. I live in New Mexico. Never been to Connecticut. Do you get alot of snow? Did you say you are a nurse? I work Sundays at the hospital here in my town. I do registation and am the hospital operator. I also work for the government (23 years) but love this job the most.
Take care
Barbara

Welcome Sindy, Glad you found us all here on the site but sorry for the circumstances that lead you to have to seek us out. Your situation has only just began, there are not alot of answers at first and sometimes even after that. First of all it sounds like your son has just been arrested? Have they even gotten to the point where they set bond money yet? If not and its not to high you may be able to bond him out until all the court stuff gets final. If the crime was a serious one like my sons was though it will be so high that he will have to stay in jail to await trial. 2nd phase will be the prelim hearing, that is where you will find out just what they are charging him with. Sometimes the charges they are arrested on are not what they end up charging, they may lessen the charges to something less serious. It is a waiting game, and you really wont find out until you do talk with his lawyer. The best advise I can offer is this (and I know its is impossible for some to do ) if you can afford it Hire your own lawyer for him. There are very few good public defenders and if they are good they have so many cases they just dont have or want to put in the time or effort on there cases. For example: my son was indited by the grand jury on 9 felony charges, I hired a lawyer and yes he is doing 8 years even with a good lawyer, but he plead guilty to only one felony charge and was looking at about 35 years had he got hit with them all. It cost me a fortune, and had I have not of had good credit I would of never been able to afford it, so I well understand those that cannot afford it. All I am saying is I dont know what your finacial situation is, but if you can do it that is the best way to go. I had a hard time and still do as it is a big financial drain one me, sometimes I wonder if I should have done it but if he learns his lesson when he gets out then it will be worth it to me. If not then shame on me I guess. I dont know what state your in and all the states seem to be different in what they do but yet all seem to follow pretty much the same pattern in the court system. It is a mess, it is draining and confusing but hang in there and be as strong as you can for yourself and your son. We are all here for you, and know what you are going through. Any questions we can answer for you, you will get a response from one or all of us :) God bless you
Darla

Barbara
No I dont live in Prescott but pretty close, it is only about an hour drive or more North of me. I live in a little town called New River (north of Phoenix on I17 ) You are right Prescott is a really nice town but they dont have all the job opertunities there like Phoenix does, that is why I live where I do I am out of town but still only about half hour drive to work. I have horses out here and couldnt imagine living where there were so many houses around me :) I like my space "LOL"
I am sure your prison system sucks too, but I dont think your son would of probably been any better off had he stayed here in this state, I have had so much trouble with this prison system it is beyond me how they run the thing!!! I dont understand anymore it seems like either the world has gone plumb insane or they are just locking people up right and left for no reason because there are just too many in prisons anymore. And I am not referring to my son either, as much as I hate to say it and it breaks my heart he needs to be there, the only thing that makes me so mad at the system is that if they had only charged him with the things he really did he would not be there for so damm many years. The system is just not fair and that is the part I hate the most. And the treatment of the inmates is not right at all. In our state they treat the animals at the dog pound better than the people that are in jail, and that is just wrong. Ok better get off that subject I will be raving :) Have a great day :)
Darla

Hi to everyone, I've also been busy with work and writing to Kacy, and I am still trying to fine additional information about Lakin. It is very hard-her in West Virginia and me in Michigan. I finally got a much needed vacation this week, and found out I have to apply to see Kacy- the application process can take 30 days.(Not like regional jail, when you phone in and show 2 pieces of ID) I was looking forward to going and seeing her this week, but, that has failed.

Darla,
As far as Kacys sentences go- I am not really sure what they mean. Bill Forbes, her lawyer, has not called me back- you know that doesn't suprise me. I am happy that you are hearing from your son too. This is a scary thing to have to go through, and I am thankful that there is a website for us, who are all going through the same thing.

Take care- I will try to write everyday this week since I will not be going to WV. (I asked Kacy if I could come down and just watch her while they went outside- she told me I'd probably be arrested-and laughed her head off!!!)

This is a new site for me. My son has been incarcerated since October of last year. This is probably the worst thing that I have ever had to deal with. I miss him so much.

He is in Big Spring, TX. He has 5 more years to serve. I live in Colorado and it is a full day drive to visit him. They (the prison) make it so hard to get into see your loved ones.

His birthday is coming up. Are there any sites where I can post his name so he receives some birthday cards. Now that I have found this site I will be checking it daily. Thanks in advance for any help I get.

Hello from Bev. Still waiting to hear again from my daughter, mailed her six letters today along with Halloween cards. I am so depressed I don't want to do anything. Im on vacation this week- and I wanted to go and see Kacy, but, nobody told me you have to fill out an application, then wait like 30 days for it to be processed. Any other info I would apprecieate.
Charrie, I don't know anything about tx- maybe someone else out there does. Welcome - I am new also. I don't know anything about anything any more.

bev

baebara- thank you for the info- i already had it but looked into it again and again, My daughter has not called today- I think my depression is getting worse while i am on vacation and have time to think.

Hi Bev,
I believe in your first post you said "This all started 2 years ago". Is that when your daughter was arrested? and has she been in jail for 2 years now? If you don't mind me asking what was she convicted of? I'm just trying to get a feel of where you are at in this and where you have already been.
You said her sentance was 1-15 years. Does that mean she is eligible for parole after 1 year? My son got 50 - life, that means he is elligible for parole after 50 years ( yeah I know it's stupid because he will be 73 years old then).
You know Bev you are going to be going through some hard emotional times but I suppose the worst might be over for you since it appears that you are done with the trial, sentancing, and the move to the prison. Now it's learning all the new rules of that prison and then waiting the sentance out. 1-15 sounds kind of strange to me though, 1 year isn't very long but 15 is a pretty big chunk of time. That would drive me crazy not knowing. It would seem more fair to say 1-3 years or 10-15 years.
Thought I'd tell you that I've been posting here for I think almost 2 years. This New Years Eve will be my 3rd anniversary of when my world fell apart, it seems like a lifetime ago now.
Prisoners of Love has been a lifesaver for me.

Sleep well my friend-
Peace,
Kim

Hey, Kim, Barbara and all you Mothers,
Off to see my son again tommorrow, mornng, leaving around 9am.
I'll be needing all my angel mothers to go with me to give me strength.
Driving from Ct to Philly but I gotta see my boy.
Can't wait.
One of my oldest friends That I have lost and gained again over thirty years is taking the trip with me so I'll have so company.
See ya'll when I get back.

Hello everyone,

Yes, this all started two years ago. Kacy and her boyfriend moved to West Virginia, although I begged her not to go. You know the story- I'm and adult and you cannot tell me what to do. She was working as an assistant manager at a fast food place, calling me regularly- I thought everything was ok. I went to visit her about once a month- everything seemed ok to the blind eye. Little did I know she quit her job, and was ocasionally calling for money which I sent. I got a phone call 2 years ago that their car broke down, and since they lived in the boone docks of WV, had no transportation to the grocery store. I ups them groceries that day. She called the next day and said they got them. Two days later, I got a call at work from her telling me she was in MI with two of her friends. How strange, you can get a lift to MI but not the grocery store. They were here one day, then left. I had a strange feeling about this one, and told my husband this had better not have been a drug run for her boyfriend. Well, they were set up and arrested on their way back to WV. She spent 10 days in jail- and was afraid to call me. Her boyfriend would not answer the phone when he saw my number. In desperation, I called all the #'s I knew and finally found someone who told me she was in jail. We went down and bonded her out- mistake I guess #1. She didn't go back for her court hearing in January 2004, so she got picked up again. She spent 4 months at Regional, and then mistake #2- mom and dad got another lawyer and bonded her out again. Went to trial Aug. 24, 05,
and since she did not complete drug rehab or go to her drug testing, she was back in Regional, with her sentence of 1-15 for pleading guilty to transportation of narcotics, and 1-5 for conspiracy,to run consecutively. The two girls she was with did their requirements by the court and got probation. Plus they nailed everything on Kacy, since she was the one from Michigan- although both had been to Michigan before Kacy even knew them. Talk about feeling guilty. I never thought this would be Kacy's future. I guess I just believe as a mother, all our children are great, they just make some dumb mistakes. My husband doesn't want me on the computer talking about this- I don't know why, Kacy is already in jail and about to be there for a minute.
Take care everyone.
bev

Hello again from Bev,

My daughter just called I am so Happy to hear her sweet voice-my baby girl- I miss her so much.
Today I did cook dinner, stuffed cabbage, but it did not turn out the same without her here helping me-I haven't made stuffed cabbage since she left.

see you tomorrow-

bev

Hi Bev
I am so glad that you heard from your daughter. Reading your post about how and what happened seems to be similiar and familiar to all of us mothers.
I found out Thursday that my son will be in county jail until May 2006 when he will go to trial. He will be in county for 2 1/2 years by the time we go to trial. Kim was (is) my life saver. Seems like our stories are very similar.
She is very strong and very knowledgable. I started this site right before her son was sentenced. I felt her pain all through my body.
I fear the worse is yet to come yet knowing the outcome will be alot better than having this emotional roller coaster that I have been on not knowing.
Jail has been a good thing for my son. I know that sounds bad but as a single parent, I would do anything for my children, including
spending XX amount of dollars enabling him which until he was arrested I wasn't aware that I was doing that. He had more excuses for why things always happened and I wanted so bad to believe him. My son is an addict. Now being in jail he has time to think of everyone he has hurt by his addiction. He has allowed God back into his life and there are no more excuses. He has taken responsilbilty for the first time in his life. It does my heart good.
The future probably will mean a long time in prision. We are not focusing on that right now though, we are taking one day at a time.
We as mothers know are kids are great no matter what!
Take care Bev and I will say a prayer for you and your daughter.
Barbara

Dear Kim
Hi how are you doing? How is Tyler? Tell him I send my love and prayers to him. Does he have alot of people writing to him? Does he ever tell you what his daily routine is like? My son was offered a job in county and he will make 80 cents an hour.
He is all excited. Funny he wasn't too excited about just making minimium wage when he was out of jail. ha He will be cleaning the court yard and shoveling snow this winter.
The county jail got new owners and he said he can see the difference already. All inmates got new mattresses, sheets and blankets. They added 300 calories more to the meals.(we laugh because he has gained alot of weight already) Also all cells were painted as well as the whole facility. My son is a neat freak when it comes to cleaning so he was really happy that all these things happened.
Have a great day. It is raining here this morning in New Mexico.
God bless you and yours
Barbara

Dawn
Hope your trip was a great one with your son. How is he doing? It is nice that you had a friend to go with you to visit. I usually go by myself sometimes my parents will go with me. My other son and wife go once in awhile. None of my brothers or sister have been. Sometimes I feel like they think that if they walk through those doors that they may catch something....
Take care and please share your trip with us.
Barbara

Charrie
Welcome. You will find that this site is great. We are all friends (sisters) here sharing the same love, pain and what ever I can do to help you and your son I will if I can . I would like to send your son a birthday card. What is his address? If you don't want to post it here you can send it to my email address ok
herewego1972@yahoo.com
When is his birthday? Tell me about your son ok
Take care and continue to write to us
Barbara

Darla
I only get to post once a week so that is why you haven't heard from me. I am going to leave for Florida on Monday to help my parents close up their place . They have a place in New Mexico too so they go back and forth. I will be there for 2 weeks. I am looking forward to the break. Hopefully no more hurricanes. :-)

How are you? Have you seen your son lately? Is he back in Arizona? Prescott was a nice place and you are right, if my son had stayed there it wouldn't have been a gaurnetee he wouldn't have ended up in jail just in a different state. Wishful thinking on my part.

Hope your days are alittle more peaceful with the system. Take care and remember ....you are not alone.
Barbara

Hello to all mothers who are prisoners of LOVE- thank you all so much for your support. I do hope for the best for everyones children- I guess that is about all we can do. My world shut down when Kacy was in trouble, and I still feel guilty about not paying more attention to my sons. My husband is another story. I'm back to the w world tomorrow and feel guilty that I could not go and see Kacy on my vacation. I think I have 3 weeks next year- I am hopeful that she will send me the application for visitation. See you when I see you.

bev lower case very depressed

Bev,
I know this has been written here many times but I will share it again. I think the change in me was when I meditated, thought about and really tried to understand what the word serenity meant.
For my own survival I had to step back and stop looking at my life and take in the bigger picture of the universe. I thought about all of time (eternity) and realized that I was a speck, as each of us are. Not to say we are unimportant, oh not at all, but each of us are a part of the whole puzzle. We can't see the whole puzzle. I gradually learned to surrender to what is, I believe there is a reason for everything. What happens today can and will affect what happens tomorrow and next week, next year, and for generations to come. We all can't play the hero or the victim or the villian in this play. I do know that all the characters are important for the story to be told. Just like bible stories---every one of those characters are as important as the next. How would the story be told without Judas Iscariot ?? Well I guess I kind of got off the track here a bit so I'll go back to what I wanted to share.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
_ Reinhold Niebuhr

My understanding of this prayer is that the only thing that I can change is me. And I'll take it one step further and be precise in exactly what I need to change and that would be my attitude and everything else will follow.

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
Siddartha Guatama

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven.
John Milton

If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
Amy Tan

The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.

Marcus Aurelius

And Margaret Fuller proclaims "I accept the universe!"
I am working to accept the universe with SERENITY!

With much love to you Bev.
Peace,
Kim

Hey where is everyone???
Did you guys O.D. on candy or what?

Just letting you guys know I'm thinking about you all.
With much love,
Kim

Hi everyone:) I'm still out here Kim :)
Dawn, I hope your visit with your son was wonderful!!!!
Bev, hang in there, you will make it :) The missing them and loneliness is terrible but the more time that goes by the more we get used to it. Not saying that we like it or it goes away, but you do get used to it. I still have my good days and my bad, and I guess I always will. The worrying about his safety and how he will be when he comes out is what plays on my mind the most these days.
Barbara, No I haven't gotten to see my son again, just that one visit and still waiting to be re-approved. Yes he is in Arizona about 104 miles away from me now. My daughter got approved last week and she took my grandaughter who is 8 years old to see her Uncle. I guess my son was really happy. The Grandaughter was born when he was only 13 years old, so they have a real special bond and closeness as she lived with us for the first few years of her life. I should be aprroved by this weekend so I am hoping to go saturday morning to visit. Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies as my son and I really need a good Son and Mother chat !!! I found out that his girl has dumped him and he is taking it real hard even though I tried to prepare him for this happening, we just need a little time to talk face to face :)
A little pep talk from mom is what he needs "LOL"
I knew this would happen as they are both young and her even younger,I warned him it would but I guess that doesnt make the heart feel any better when it really does happen.
Hope everyone is doing well, I keep you all in my prayers every night :)
Darla

Hi to Kim, Darla and all the Mom's who are missing their children. I thought I posted last night, but, I think I did something wrong and don't know where it went or maybe I deleted it on accident. Kim and Darla, Thank You for your thoughtful words of encourgement. Darla- I hope you get to see your son soon. Kacy has still not mailed me my application to see her-I'm wondering why. She talked to her brother today and was supposed to call back tonight. I am still waiting. I worry all the time- three kids in three different directions. I worry the most about Kacy and miss her so much.
I hope everyone will be ok tomorrow- I do have the day off and can see you all on Thursday.

My prayers to all your children
My heart is with you all
Love, bev

Hello to everyone. I just got home from work-where is everyone??? I guess still on a sugar high from Halloween!!!! Kacy called yesterday, it always makes me feel so much better when I hear from her. I keep bugging her about the application for visitation, but, she has not sent it yet. I am going to call the jail and see if they will mail me one. I have 3 weeks vacation coming up for the next year, Nov-Nov, so I would like to know when to plan to go see her. Hope everyone is hanging in there.

Bev

Hello to everyone. I just got home from work-where is everyone??? I guess still on a sugar high from Halloween!!!! Kacy called yesterday, it always makes me feel so much better when I hear from her. I keep bugging her about the application for visitation, but, she has not sent it yet. I am going to call the jail and see if they will mail me one. I have 3 weeks vacation coming up for the next year, Nov-Nov, so I would like to know when to plan to go see her. Hope everyone is hanging in there.

Bev

Bev, Hello :) I am still here, dont know about everyone else "LOL" Where you mom's at these days?
I got approved and am going to see my son tomorrow (god willing that is ) I cant wait, have to get up at 3:30 AM to make it there in time so I better get to bed. OH by the way Bev, it may be that they havent given your daughter the forms to send you yet,my son had trouble getting them too when he first got to prison so calling them may be a good idea as it can take time to be approved.Gotta get to bed now, love and peace to all :):)
Darla

Hi Kim, Darla, Barbara and all other Mothers,
I talked to Kacy last night and she PROMISED me she would get the application for visitation. She has been going to church, and was with a church group all weekend for orientation ( at the prison). I do think she wanted time to "clean" herself up before I came to see her. She sounded really good, and Barbara, jail may also be a good thing for my daughter- last year at this time she was sleeping in her car, with the back window busted out, with her dog Shadow. (At my work- there she was- I was scared to death- my husband would not let me give her the keys to our house, fearful she would rob us or hurt her brothers) Maybe this is a blessing in disguise- I am still wating for that miracle.

Take care, and I hope everyone hears from
their children.

Love, Bev

hi everyone im not a mother im a girlfriend of someone who has been in the prison since 1994 for murder and his mom goes to see him and takes his phone calls and forwards them to me and his brothers .. i know what all of you are going through he got 30 yrs to life here in New Mexico.. I am getting hope that maybe in 2-3 more years he might get a appeall at least again. It is very hard .. To every mom on this site.. I pray for you all that still stand beside your children for it is very hard. We dont have any kids together I have 3 children from my x husband and they are all grown 15,14, and 12. I have stuck by my best friend from day one and Im not leaving. Here in New Mexico the law is crazy they let out sex offenders, faster than anything i know my friend murderd someone but also the other person is out there free too. I just wanted to say Im glad that there is a site for the mom's out there.

im 12 years old and my brother is 20 he has to serve 15 years in prison and i dont know what to do i love him so much and it makes me think about killing myself if anyone can talk to me and give me a clue of what to do can yall please e-mail me at BaBy_GuRl_4sho05@yahoo.com

Hello to everyone.

To Amy- please think about what you have said- everyone is upset and mad about what has happend to our families when a loved one goes to prison. You are only 12 and have your whole life ahead of you. Be strong for yourself and your brother. Your life has so much meaning, and things do happen for a reason. You can write to your brother every day- that's what I do for my daughter, who is also in prison. You can tell your brother all about what is going on in your family. That means alot when they get mail everyday, or every other day. Be strong for yourself, and you will be strong for your brother. Take care. This website is great, and everyone here is always here for you.

Kim, Brabara, and Darla where are you?? I do need additonal advice for this young girl.

I talked to Kacy last nite and she is doing good.
Still no application for visitation. Darla, did you get to see your son?? I sure hope everything went well for you.

Well, I am going to do my housework- I worked early today, and nothing got done around the house. (my husband was home- nothing got done)

I am also going to write to Kacy, very long letters- I'm using decorated scrapbook paper to write my letters on!!

Take care everyone, and please respond to Amy.

love, Bev

Hi everyone. I was in Florida for 2 weeks on vacation. I needed a break to prepare for the trial mentally. Sometimes we do so much for everyone else we forget to take care of ourselves..

Hi Amy .. your brother is so lucky to have you! I am sure he misses you as much as you miss him so it is very important that you write to him and keep him informed of how you are and try to keep a positive upbeat for the both of you. You see my son told me that it is hard enough in prison that he doesn't want to worry about me also and I'm sure that your brother feels the same way. Make him proud of you and keep him informed, just as if he was there with you. He wants to hear all about school, your friends, what you like and dislike. He will grow through you Amy, really!
I will try to email you also. Why don't you tell us about your brother sometimes that helps alot. I don't mean the bad things if that upsets you, just tell us why he is so special ok
We'll be waiting to hear from you Amy
Barbara

Hi, I just found this site, after thinking that I have seen all the prison support sites there was to see. I have written over 1100 posts on several prison support sites, and I have just started blogging to kinda talk about prison and the trivial and important things that happened while I was there.

I am a former inmate from North Carolina, and was incarcerated for almost 5 years, going through about 6 different prisons. While in jail and prison, I kept a journal of a lot of the things I went through, and now I have a large stack of information, letters, journals and other stuff that I share with others.

I don't profess to know it all, because I don't. I can't speak for all inmates, maybe none except myself. I can't talk about gangs, rape and the violent stuff that television loves to show. Not every inmate goes through that, but society believes they do. Much of society also believes that every inmate deserves whatever happens to them while in prison. They expect every inmate coming out of prison to sprout wings and a halo, and walk on water, but when those same inmate apply for a job, they won't give it to them because they are ex felons.

It's difficult for those guys and women, I have been through that. It's hard trying to turn your life around when the same society that demands your change won't give it to you, and then many will go to church on Sunday and sing hymns about loving mankind.

What I try to do is share my experiences in as positive a situation as I can. I'm not perfect, far from it. But because I have always liked writing, I do write a lot about prison, and the effects it has on people. Not just inmates, but families too. But if there is one thing I want to get across to any reader, it is this: there has to always be some level of hope if you or your loved one is going to make it. I have been on the worst end, and I know it can be rough, but nothing is impossible to those who believe.

Anyway, just kinda introducing myself. If anyone happens to visit other prison sites like Prisonbid, I make posts there, and I just started blogging, although I've only been at it for 3 days. I used to be at PTO, where I have well over 1100 post. If I can help, I will try.

Hello to all :)
Welcome back Barbara :) I am glad to hear about your well deserved vacation, Good for you!!!!! We all can use a break now and then. When is your sons trial coming up ? Soon ?
Bev: Yes I did get to go see my son the other weekend, it was wonderful :):) I went alone this time and we really had a good heart to heart talk, it left us both feeling better. It is so hard to leave though when time's up, I want to take him home with me soooo BAD !!!! This weekend I am going back with my daughter and the oldest grandaughter. So glad to hear that Kacy is doing well and you can talk to her on the phone, they still havent gotten my son's calling list done so we dont get that privelege. Hopefully they will get it done soon.
Luzinit and Jeri are you ladies still out there???? You havent posted in forever, if your still out there write a few words and let us know you are there, would love to hear how things are going for you :) The site seems to be slowing down lately with mothers.
Kim, I know you are still there somewhere as you send me emails, you havent posted lately is everything ok in your world ?
I hope this post finds everyone well, and wishing the best to you and yours :)
Darla

Dear Amy,
Sweetheart, the words I am reading from you scare me. 12 years old and you are thinking about killing yourself ? First of all I dont know your situation or why your brother is in prison but I am wondering if you are somehow blaming yourself for this? I would like to ask what in your life is it that would make you feel so bad as to think of something so drastic. I have to wonder if it is more than just your brother being in prison?
Amy, nothing and I mean nothing in life is worth killing yourself for. You are a young girl and have a whole wonderful life ahead of you. If things are not so good right now you need to seek help and figure out what they are and how to make them better. Have you spoke to your parents about the way you are feeling? Or even a counselor at your school? I urge you to find someone that you trust and tell them about how you are feeling and find someplace in your area to get some counseling to help you understand and cope with your feelings.
You know I am hearing that you love and miss your brother very much, and sweetheart he will come home some day, you just need to hang in there just because he isnt with you doesnt mean you have lost him forever. Can you go visit him where he is at?
You know my son is in prison, he just turned 21 years old in there. My oldest grandaughter is 8 years old and her and her uncle are so close. She writes to him and sends him pictures that she draws. Also she goes and visits him. That makes him so happy as he loves her so much, and he tells me that seeing Brandi and how much he is missing in her life as she grows makes him try all the harder to do his best so he can come home.
Please come back and talk to us if you feel the need, but also please consider talking to someone out there that you can trust.
Hang in there sweetheart, things will get better :):)
Darla

Hey I'm here! I'm always here. I haven't really anything to say lately I guess. I am just waiting for for my son to be moved out of reception, he thought they were getting ready for that because they moved him to a different building and he has finished all his testing. I haven't heard from him in a couple weeks so maybe he is gone. I don't talk to him on the phone, last time I talked with him was in August when we went out to california on vacation and got to visit in Orange County jail. Our phones were blocked back in June or July. I haven't looked into the situation on the blocks because I just don't want to hear about the bills from hubby anymore :(
Anyways I'm fine and as far as I know my son is fine. We continue to write each other. He sounds good. It's funny you know, sometimes I wonder if this whole thing really happened...if I really have a son named Skylar. Because no one talks about him anymore and most people I know out here in Arizona don't have a clue about him. I wonder what my daughters soccer team would think if they new??! The coach is a cop and there are at least 2 other cops on the team. If they only knew. I'm tired of defending and explainig so I don't ever say anything to anyone anymore, they will never understand.
Well I am keeping busy and I am content. I just focus on gratitude when I start to loose my way and that seems to bring me back, I do have so much to be grateful for.

Peace,
Kim

Hello to everyone!! I am home from work early- thought I would check on everyone.

Amy, please write- we want to make sure you are ok.

Kim, I don't know if you can use correctional billing in California to Arizona, but, that's what I use for Kacy to call. I have to prepay for her calls, and they let you know when you are around $20 left on your account. I don't think they service all prisons, because when Kacy was transferred from WRJ to Lakin, I had to call and make sure the serviced Lakin. My phone service automatically blocks prison calls, so I had to set up something else, and correctional billing can be found on the internet. I am also glad that you and your son are fine. Hang in there Kim!

Darla, I'm glad you got to see your son!! I know that feeling of never wanting to let them go. I told Kacy the first time I visited her in jail, I was going to ask the CO if I could take her out to lunch, and I would promise to bring her back- NOT!!!! I wanted to snatch her up and run back to MI with her. I hated leaving her. You are right about that calling list, also. My oldest son isn't on it, so Kacy has to wait until next month to add him. He took all calls from her when she was in WRJ and I felt obliged to pay for them- after all that is his sister and he had it a little rough for awhile. (He has a different phone service than I do- there are probably 5-10 different ones in MI, and his service doesn't block the calls)

Barbara, I am glad your two weeks was hopefully spent on Barbara. You are right- we do tend to try and make everyone's life more comfortable, and do forget about ourselves. When is the trial?? Good luck to your son and to you.

Well its time to write to Lakin to find out when they are going to "reorder" more visitation applications- I can't believe they are out. I am going to toss a few words at the big guy to find out why they are out of applications. That is what Kacy told me last nite.

I hope everyone sleeps well tonight.

Love, Bev

Hi everyone :)
Amy are you still out there? Talk to us ok? We would like to listen to you.
Bev, That same thing happened to me with the applications, they tend not to give a crap what the inmate wants and will ignore them. I called visitation and told them I needed them to mail me one and they did. So yes do call, if you complain enough they will do something otherwise they will take there sweet time. If you manage to get one make sure you make a copy of it, that way if they lose it like they did mine you will have another one to send in right away, or you will be playing the waiting game with them again.
Kim, glad to see you are still there and sounds like you are doing real well :) I wish I was as good right now but I am not. I had my husband leave the house, couldnt take his crap anymore. I dont remember if I told you but he is a alcoholic and his drinking has gotten way out of hand. I just cant deal with it anymore it adds so much more stress to my life.He is a great guy most the time but a very mean drunk. I dont know if I did the right thing, I guess I will find out. Bills are going to kill me and I may lose my house but hey its to the point where losing the house doesnt seem worth my sanity. I told him either go to AA and get help or get out,no more false promises of quitting as it always fails. He chose the door and was actually pissed off at me!!!! Anyways that is a whole different story and I guess it isnt the right place to be telling it. Just venting I guess, so very stressful.
Hope everyone is doing well :)
Darla

Darla~
I would highly suggest going to Alanon if you aren't already. The meetings will help you I am sure of it, it will help you with your son too.
I am doing OK for now but I know other days will come so I try to enjoy the good while it's here.
Call me OK? I'm sending you my number again as soon as I get off of here.
I wonder how Luzinit is we haven't heard from her in quite awhile.

Peace,
Kim

Hello to everyone- you won't believe it- I just got home from work and there was a letter from Kacy WITH the application for visitation- now, I am excited to get it, but won't be to excited until I get approved. Darla, thanks for the advice to copy it- I would not have thought of that. I'm pretty exhausted today- we had alot of customers and I had to shop afterwards. I got to go put my groceries away.

Thanks for listening ladies, hang in there everyone, I think next week will be a tough week.

Bev

Hi everyone

The 2 weeks off did me alot of good and it was all about me. lol

My sons trial isn't until May but the timing was right for me to get away. I have my 4 grandchildren (my son who is in jails children) who visit often, my youngest son and his wife just bought a home and we've been moving them out of my house into their's and after 23 years working for the government the contract went out for bid and I may be looking at a different employee who may mess with my retirement. I also do all my son's banking for him which includes child support payments made to his ex and restitution to his father for stealing from him. My son still gets a disability check which pays for those obligations until he is found guilty or not. I also work at the hospital which is a second job. So vacation was long overdue.

I went and saw my son on Friday and he was doing great. Sometimes I think he's adjusting real well and almost likes it. Being bipolar he needs structure and ......well he does have that in jai doesn't he.

Not much new going on although it is rather nice not having to be in court all the time.
Take care everyone and we'll talk soon.
Barbara

Oh my God!I thought I was all alone, all these years.I am a mother of a 26yr old that is currently finishing up his 3rd time in prison. If I would of known you all were uot there I'm sure the pain and the lonelieness would of been so much lesser.I too want to let all of you out there know my thought and prayers are with you.because if you have not been throught it you dont compleatly know. the trip started for me in1997. My son was sentanced to 12 years for burglary and drug charges.He served alittle over 2yrs,came home foralmost 2yrs violated probation,was facing 10yrs of the original 12, was given 2.Came home for a year and a half violated probation again,was facing 8 of the original 12, was given 2 more but this time the judge considered all the facts regarding the violation,droped the remaining 6yrs.so when he comes home in april he'llbe home for good.He's grown up and changed his way of thinking(I pray) but the rollercoaster ride for the last 8yrs has been hell.Just keep faith in God even when you feel he is so far away,because he will see you all through your personal hell's I think of you all every day
Linda L.

Linda, Hi there and Welcome :)
I am glad that you have found us and please come back and post more often. Seems the message board is really slowing down lately. Hearing your story though is kind of scarey for me. This is my sons first time down and one of my biggest fears is that he wont learn his lesson and this will happen again. It seems like he has already learned it in the way he talks and all that, I do see changes in him but I wonder if they will last when he gets out and the memory fades of priso. Of course he got 8 years so that will give him lots of time to think. But hearing your story and its your sons 3rd time it kind of scares me. I am not trying to be smart or rude here so please dont take it that way but I would like to know what makes you think that your son will do better now if he hasnt with all those times getting sent back? Do you see something different in him?
Hope to see you here again and God Bless you and yours :)
Darla

Bev, Sounds like you have been a busy little B :):) Sometimes that is good as it helps to keep ones mind off some of the problems doesnt it ?
Glad to hear you finally got your application to visit and I wish you much luck for getting approved in a speedy manner. Hope its nothing like I went through here in AZ !!!!! I hope everything works out for you job wise, that sure is along time with a company just to lose the position. I will keep you in my prayers :)
Hope everyone is doing well:):)
I am doing ok except a little under the weather these past few days. Hubby has now joined AA but we will see, it could just be a ploy to try and get back in the house. I am considerin your advise about alanon Kim, still havent made up my mind. But Thank you and i will let you know
Darla

Hello to everyone. If I don't get to write again before Thanksgiving, I hope everone will have a good day regradless of the circumstances we are all under.

Barbara, I sure hope everything works out ok for you with your job. It's pretty scary out there- my husband just told me his company is cutting 30 thousand workers, and they are not done yet. (GM) We are to old to find good employment- I've been with my company for over five years- I am probably old enough to be my District Managers mother!

Kacy called today- her brother talked to her, and she is doing good. I think the structure for her is good, too, as weird as that sounds for jail. Her brother is having some trouble in his life now and that is really scaring me. I talked to him for awhile today- its another story but I am very worried about him. I cried all the way to work today about him, and Kacy.

Well everyone have a peaceful nite and welcome,Linda.

Take Care, Bev

Hi Darla.
Thank you so much for responding. I was at my daughters all day, enjoying my grandaughter,so as soon as I got home I sat down at the computer.
You asked how do I think my son will do better. Well I'v seen and have felt a change in him that I never did in the past.Yes he would tell me he was never going back, and for awhile, I believed him,because he would do good, work go to church ext. but the street always seemed to call him back.But since he first got loched up this time, he got into church right away, started trying to to get his G.E.D. which he did, and just his total conversation and atitude is more grown up.
I've lerned he has become a model prisoner this time around,and before he was disobeying orders , smoking pot, getting transfered from one place to an other for geting in trouble.I feel he knows that God gave him a blessing by not having to be on probation when he is released,which was very hard for him to do for some reason. he could'nt handle reporting in once a week. Yes I still am so scared that it will be the same after he is out awhile again. But I am hanging strong to the feeling he is giving me now.and I pray it is not wishfull thinking. I pray that you or any other mother does not have to go through this more than once.
Again thank you for your words, and if I don't hear from you before thanksgiving, try to have a happy one.As the holidays are always hardest for me. May God Give you and all the ladies out there peace.
Respectfully
Linda L

Bev, sorry to hear you are having troubles about your son. Thats got to be real tuff when you have your share with your daughter already. Maybe Kacy could talk to him and give him a heads up about prison life and that would wake him up? Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers as always :)
Linda,
Hope you had a wonderful visit with your grandaughter :) I have 3 grandkids and I enjoy them alot :) I hope your right about your son and he does good this time when he gets out. you mentioned probation, my son has 3 years of it to do even after his 8 year prison sentence is up. I have heard that is really tuff as a person has to be even better than the average person or they will toss them back in jail the first chance they get. My son got his GED within 3 months of being in the system, he works a job in there and he really does sound alot more grown up. And of course he says he has learned his lesson and will never go back. I see a big change in him also but still worry and wonder if that will last when he comes home. I guess it will always be in the back of my mind and really I shouldnt worry about it now as his coming home date is real far away, but I keep talking with him and trying to head him in the right path for when he comes back. I sure hope your son makes it this time. I know it must just break your heart in two with all you have gone through. If our children only knew how bad they hurt us and themselfs I wonder if they would do things differently? I like you have a tuff time with the holidays, last year was the first birthday, thanksgiving and christmas without my son and it dang near killed me. I dread this year too but have a daughter and grandkids that I have to put on a smile for and make it good for them.It is tuff but we get through somehow dont we :) They say what doesnt kill ya will make you stronger :)
Everyone have a Happy Thanksgiving, and lets be thankful that our loved ones are alive and healthy. Good Night
Darla

Hi Darla,
Glad to hear from you. I'm not having such a good morning.It's strange, I know I've been through this so many times before,but the pain ans suffering dose'nt seem to lessen, tomarrow is thanksgiving and I have;nt even been to the store.Just the thought of seeing everyone else so happy and having all there family together,makes me angry(lord forgive me)because my son is not hear again.I know the rest of my children hurt too in there own way,and just the look in there eyes I can see that they do hurt for me too.I have a 21 and 22 yr old sons and my daughter is 19 will be 20 in march. she is expecting my second grandaughter in feb.I also have a 2 yr old grandson.So I have to try and put on I smile and be in a good mood for them but all I want to do is take a pill and stay in bed.I'm sorry I keep going on about myself.How are you and your son? Where do you live if I may ask? I live in wichita ks.Are you cooking a turkey tomarrow?I havent seen my son in 4 months, seems like a liftime,he was only 2 hrs away untill they moved him up in northren ks.I cant drive right now so depending on some one else to take me is like pulling teeth, but come hell or high water I'll get ther before chritmas even if a have to take a bus.Have a happy thanksgining,and dont eat too much turkey haha.
Peace to all Linda L
Kim.
I have read most of your posts, and have cryed just wondering the depth of agony you are feeling.I know the hell that Ive been through,and I thought I was the only one in the world that was hurting like me, but that was before I found this forum.How are you at this time?I Too am from cali, Los Angeles, and have lived in ariz. Tucson in my high school years(along time ago)haha. Have they moved your son yet? I pray for you and all the ladies every day.Have a Happy thanksgiving
Peace Be With You
Linda L

Hello Linda,
I am alive and well. Welcome to the site, how did you find us? Please don't be sorry for telling us how you feel, we are the ones who can really understand. I haven't seen anyone pass judgement on anyone else here. I can totally relate to wanting to take a pill and stay in bed, been there myself. I haven't felt that way for quite awhile now and I am very grateful for that. My son who will be 24 in Feb. has not moved yet as far as I know. I think they are all done testing and all the stuff they do to find out where to put him and now he waits. He did tell me about the points and how it works as to where they will put him. The higher the points are the higher the security level he will go to. He will be going to the highest level which is level 4 at a 180 degree yard. I'm trying to get him as much money on his books as I can before they move him because after they move him they will take nearly 50% of his money to pay for restitution ($5,000). One reason (I think) why I am doing pretty good is that I don't have to worry about him getting out and then getting into trouble again. I know that sounds weird because he will be spending the rest of his life in there and that is worse but still.....well I guess there is no more hope or worry or anything. It's just over and I have pretty much accepted it, except that I fear that maybe there is something inside me that is filled with anger and horrible things and if I don't keep it locked in a box and under control who knows what can happen!! Really though I for the most part am doing really well, I've gone through so many ups and downs and through so many changes. No one could even begin to understand what I was going through except for the people here at this site. I'm very sorry that you and the rest of the ladies here are going through this but at the same time I would never have met any of you if none of this crap had not happened.
Anyways I pray we all have a good night of sleep and tomorrow is Thanksgiving so let us all give thanks for another day (even if we don't want to get out of bed!!)
;]

Peace,
Kim

HAPPY THANKSGIVING LADIES!
Hope everyone has a blessed day.
Kim,
So glad to hear you are in better spirits.As for me I am o.k. this a.m.But of course that can change at any moment haha.I'll be even better when my grandaughter Lyliana get's here, she is the light of my life.Well I guess i better go check the bird! Know that my thoughts and prayers are with all of you ladies on this day of giving thanks.
May peace be with you all.
Linda L

Hi Ladies and Happy Thanksgiving.
I am working at the hospital all day today so I won't be cooking a turkey. Thats alright though because it seems like I don't enjoy the holidays as much as I use too. The family seemed to have gone in different directions since Donald has been in jail. He called yesterday and is doing great. He was telling me that he was looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner there at the jail. Telling me all about the great food they provide for the holidays. Sometimes , most of the time actually he surprizes me with the attitude. I guess being on his meds and off the drugs, he is back to being his old big hearted self. I think he is doing great and to me it is sad that he has to be locked up to be that way. I do agree with Kim because I know where he is, and the worry about not knowing has disappered and I have had alot of peace. Now I have started to worry about when and if he gets out, will I have to deal with what Linda spoke about....I guess as a mother the worry will always be there in some form. My grandkids (his children) are the ones who I really worry about . They adore him so I do take them for contact visits with my son. His ex isn't allowed to do that. It does everyone alot of good when he gets to hold them and love them. Its too bad that when we were created that an on and off switch for emotions wasn't thought of because even though it is a good thing for them to be together I am always sadden to the fact he may never get out of jail to help raise them.

Linda welcome. Bev I just read in the paper that the new contract isn't going to be announced as planned on the 1st of Dec but later on for the jobs. I probably am in a better situation than most because I do work 2 jobs and can always be here at the hospital . I am old enough with enough years I could retire from the government but I know I'd continue to work at the hospital because I'm 51 and I like working. Staying at home for awhile would be fine but not on a full time basis, need to keep the mind busy. :-)
Ladies have a great turkey days. Our children would want us too.
I'll write more later.
God bless you all.
Barbara

You know you're an inmates
mother/wife or girlfriend...

· IF YOU HAVE HAD A $400 PHONE BILL ~~ AND YOU’RE PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR CUTTING BACK.
· IF YOU ALWAYS CHECK NEW CLOTHES FOR TOO MUCH METAL BEFORE PURCHASE.
· IF YOUR NEW PURSE IS SOFT PLASTIC, SEE THROUGH AND YOU CARRY ONLY ROLLS OF QUARTERS AND ONE DOLLAR BILLS AND ONE KEY TO YOUR CAR.
· IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, ANYTHING, ON THE INTERNET AND PRINT IT OUT TO SEND TO HIM.
· IF YOU’RE CAUGHT OFF GUARD WHEN YOU ANSWER THE PHONE AND IT’S AN ACTUAL PERSON AND NOT A RECORDING SAYING, “YOU HAVE A COLLECT CALL FROM….?”
· IF YOU PUT YOUR PHONE UP TO THE STEREO SO HE CAN LISTEN TO HIS FAVORTIE CD.
· IF YOU CHECK ALL THE EXPIRATION DATES ON EVERYTHING YOU BUY TO SEE IF IT EXPIRES AFTER HIS RELEASE DATE.
· IF YOU HAVE A CHEAP LINE FORWARDED TO YOUR HOME NUMBER AND YOUR HOME NUMBER FORWARDED TO YOUR CELL, SO YOU DON’T MISS A CALL.
· IF YOU PUT ENOUGH MILES ON YOUR CAR TO HAVE DRIVEN TO CHINA AND BACK.
· IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE REALLY DONE SOMETHING IF YOU MANAGE TO SNEAK IN AN EXTRA KISS AND HUG DURING A CONTACT VISIT.
· IF YOU HAVE DECIDED THAT HOLDING HANDS REALLY DOES MEAN SOMETHING.
· IF YOU’VE SEPERATED YOUR CLOTHES INTO TWO CATEGORIES, PRISONWEAR AND NOT ACCEPTABLE.
· IF YOU TURN DOWN YOUR GIRLFRIENDS FOR A NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN, SO YOU CAN STAY HOME AND MAYBE GET A CALL FROM HIM.
· IF YOU CAN’T REMEMBER HOW NICE HE LOOKED WHEN HE WAS ALL DRESSED UP, BUT YOU DO START THINKING HE DOSEN’T LOOK TOO BAD AFTER ALL IN KAHAKI OR BLAZE ORANGE OR CANARY YELLOW.
· IF YOU’RE CLOSEST GIRLFRIENDS ALL HAVE USER NAMES AND EMAIL ADDRESSES.
· IF THE LETTERS "DOC" NO LONGER MEAN PHYSICIAN.
· IF ALL THE PICTURES IN YOUR PHOTO ALBUM ARE POLOROIDS AND HE IS WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES IN EACH SHOT.
· IF YOU GO THROUGH THE AIRPORT SECURITY AND IT FEELS STRANGE WHEN YOU AREN'T STRIP SEARCHED.
· IF A FOUR HOUR TRIP IS A TYPICAL WEEKEND DRIVE.
· IF YOU OWN ENOUGH STATIONARY AND STAMPS TO KEEP THE POST OFFICE RUNNING SIMPLY OFF OF YOUR MAIL.
· IF YOU OWN MORE GLITTER PENS THE A 10 YEAR OLD GIRL.
· IF YOUR HOUSE HAS TONS OF PICTURES EVERYWHERE AND THEY ARE ALL POLAROIDS.
· IF YOU HAVE TO BLAME YOURSELF FOR THE MISSING TOOTHPASTE CAP.
· IF YOU FIND YOURSELF TRYING TO IMITATE THE CAR’S WEIRD NOISE TO A PERFECT STRANGER AT THE AUTO SHOP, WHO SCRATCHES HIS HEAD IN PUZZLEMENT.
· IF YOU TAKE ABSOLUTELY NO SATISFACTION IN THE REALIZATION THAT WE WOMEN CAN TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES.
· IF YOU’VE REMOVED THE UNDERWIRE FROM YOUR BRAS SO YOU CAN PASS THE METAL DETECTOR.
· IF YOU HAVE THE DOC’S WEBSITE AS YOUR HOME PAGE ON YOUR COMPUTER.
· IF THE PHRASE "GET A LIFE" HAS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT MEANING TO YOU.
· IF HIS "ROOMMATES" ALL HAVE INTERESTING NICKNAMES.
· IF YOUR INNER TIME CLOCK IS SET FOR 15 MINUTE CONVERSATIONS.
· IF YOU WISH YOU WERE NOT PART OF THE "IN" CROWD.
· IF HIS LAST NAME IS A NUMBER WHEN YOU ADDRESS HIS LETTERS.
· IF YOU DREAD YOUR PHONE BILL LIKE MOST PEOPLE DREAD THEIR LIGHT BILLS.
· IF TO YOU, FINE DINING, IS A BOTTLE OF POP, VENDING MACHINE BURGERS, CHIPS, AND OF COURSE A KIT KAT FOR DESSERT.
· IF YOU TRY TALKING ABOUT COMPUTERS, SUPERKMART/WALMART, PLAYSTATION, OR SURROND SOUND AND HE LOOKS AT YOU LIKE YOU’RE FROM OUTERSPACE.
· IF YOU HAVE BECOME A MESSENGER SERVICE TO ALL HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
· IF YOU THINK IT’S NORMAL FOR HIS FRIENDS TO HAVE NAMES LIKE; TRIGGER, SHOOTER, SPANKY, BUCK
SHOT, DIABLO, DROOPY, NUTCASE,
ETC..
· IF WHEN YOU GO FOR YOUR WEEKLY VISIT, THE GUARD THAT SEARCHES YOU SAYS, “IS THAT NEW PERFUME?”
· IF HE WRITES YOU AN X-RATED LETTER, THEN A COUPLE OF WEEKS LATER, ASKS YOU TO SEND IT BACK TO HIM SO HE CAN SLEEP WITH IT.
· IF YOU STALK THE MAILMAN.
· IF YOU’RE PHONE BILL NOW COSTS MORE THEN YOUR GROCERY BILL EACH MONTH FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY.
· IF EVERYTIME YOU COME TO A DOOR YOU WAIT TO BE BUZZED IN.
· IF YOU THINK IT’S WEIRD THAT OTHER PEOPLE’S FAMILY PICTURES HAVE A SEA-LIFE, WILDERNESS, OR WATERFALL, (ETC.) BACKGROUND.
· IF WHEN YOU WANT TO KILL THE POSTMAN FOR NOT HAVING A LETTER FOR YOU FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY
· IF IN A JOB INTERVIEW, WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING, YOU SAY HE IS CURRENTLY SELF-EMPLOYED, OR HE WORKS FOR THE STATE.

Connie,
I'm still smiling!! We need more stuff like this. I can relate to all and have to laugh about it. By the way my sons name is 'Scooter' it doesn't sound too bad kinda cute really.
I'm going to copy this and send it to him he might get a laugh. I'm sure the other 'fellas' as he calls the other inmates will get a kick out of it too. Oh my gosh!!! I'm printing this out and sending it to him!!!! Hahaha I crack myself up.

THANKS FOR THE LAUGH !

Peace,
Kim

It was great to laugh. Good one . Think I am going to print this for my son also. Thanks Connie
Barbara

Hi Ladies :) Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Did you do ok Linda ? I know how hard it can be, I feel the same way this is the second one my son has missed at home as he got locked up just before last Thanksgiving. Last year I missed first thanksgiving first birthday first christmas and wow that was a real heart breaker!!!! It wasnt much better Thursday, it is so noticable to have that empty spot at the table, and I miss hearing him goad his sister :) She is 27 and he is 21 but I swear the 2 of them still act like kids when they are together. They pick on each other constantly ( in fun )
I went to visit him on saturday,took his sister and my oldest grandaughter. It was family picture day. Of course not all the family was there ( thats another story) but we had pictures made anyways and he was real happy about it :)It really made his day.
Well Ladies now we have Christmas to get through ( that seems to be a tuffer one for me ) Anyone else think Christmas is really hard ?
Well here I am ratteling on "LOL" hope everyones holiday was as good as can be expected in these times :) So Glad to have you all for friends :):)
Darla

Luzinit, Are you still out there and just not posting on the site? If you are please pop in and just say hello and that you are doing ok. Been wondering how you are doing :)
Darla

The holidays are very hard for me. Infact I don't really enjoy them anymore. I need to get a life!
LOL
Barbara

OK lets laugh

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

kim
Hi its me Barbara. How are you doing? I reread our posts to each other and I know my sons trial will be coming up very soon even though May is a few months away and I fear for the worst. How is Tyler doing? Its been almost 8 months since he was sentenced huh? Has things gotten any better with the family and your husband? It seems like family thinks that if we don't discuss it it hasn't happened. I am so tired of tring to defend Donald to them. One of your posts that hit home was when you said Tyler asked if anyone had asked about him. Donald has asked that also and I lie because no one should have to go through this and know that no one asks. Do you know what I mean? I know you do.
I think about you daily my friend. Please tell me you are doing ok.
Barbara

Barbara,
I am doing OK! Since my son Skylar was sentanced it has been getting better. Slowly but surely.
Actually it started to get better at the trial because that was the worst it could get, not that I knew it at the time but looking back that was the beginning of the end.... Do you know what I mean? I was facing the worst at that trial and I knew it was going to be guilty because the attorney warned me when we were waiting for the verdict that it didn't look good because the jury had asked what the difference between 1st degree and 2nd degree murder was. I was all by myself when the jury came back. I knew all along that I would be in that courtroom by myself, for 2 years I waited for that trial and I knew I would be there alone. About 10 minutes before I got the call from the attorney to tell me the jury was back my good and faithful friend left to go across the street to take care of some of her own business after living in the court house for a week. Sure enough a few minutes later I got the call, when I got up to the 10th floor where the trial was no one was in sight, not a soul. weird because all week long the hallway was packed with people because there were high profile cases going on and the media was there it was a circus really. But I got off that elevator and not 1 person was anywhere, so I walked down that hall and I knew in that instant that "God" or whatever had my freind leave and cleared the halls because I needed to do this all alone.....that was my biggest fear for 2 years that I'd be by myself. But after the initial panic of being by myself when I got the call and walking into an empty hall it was like an epiphany, it was an "Aha" moment. I knew something much greater than anything was directing everything going on. Barbara I tell you it was really strange and awesome actually, I knew all this was supposed to happen for some reason. I felt strangely calm and taken care of, I felt at peace. ( I am crying right now remembering this and it's not a sad crying it's well I don't know...it's good though) :) I went into the room and all I could see was the back of my sons head, they read the verdict, it was very quiet no one said anything I just stared at the back of my babys head I wished,prayed for peace for my son. When he got up after to leave he turned and looked at me and I said "I love you Skylar"and he smiled and nodded to me. I went to visit him that weekend which was horrible to see the fear in his eyes and the disbelief. I have seen him one other time in August and that is all. You say it's been 8 months? Thats a long time huh?
Barbara I don't really talk about my son to my family. No it hasn't gotten better although they may say differently only because I don't talk about him so that makes it better for them I guess. But I have a couple friends that knew Skylar and when I call them they ask about him and Barbara you asked about him :)
If you would like to talk on the phone, if you just need someone as the time gets closer I'm here. email me at cellermom@yahoo.com and I will give you my number. I can call I have free minutes on my cell phone.
I read the articles about what allegedly happened. My friend I'm here for you OK?
sleep well.

Peace,
Kim

Barbara- I'm confused I think. The articles I was refering to weren't for your son were they??
It was Dawns son wasn't it?
Where is Dawn been?

Dawn are you out there? Please post!

Silly Me,
Kim

Hi Ladies,
Just afew lines to see how everyone is doing. As for me I'm here.I made it through the thanksgiving, but of course the empty spot at the table was as noticable and bare as ever.But sometimes I feel like I'm the only onr that notices it.My son called and was doing fine,thanks to God.I told him about this site and you all,and how I felt all alone untill I found you all.He told me he was going to send me something that he want's me to put up so you all can read.He come's home in april but it still seem's so far away.He call's me once a week and that of course helps me through the week, but since I'm not working right now and the phone bill has gotten up in the 300.00 range I stress out cause I hate asking my fiance to help me out. I know he will,but I'll have to hear his mouth.Why can't he see that the call's make a wold of difference in my life, especially sine I can't go see Jose.Or should I say since no one offers to take me.I pray from the deepest part of my heart and soul that this is the last time,we all have to go through this.I thank God for you all,and pray that he provides the individual blessings that each of you may need at this time.
thanks for listening.
Peace to you all
Linda L.

Hi Linda :)
Glad to hear you made it through the holiday, I know the feeling and we still have Christmas to make it through. I find that one the tuffist!!!!!
I got to go visit my son the saturday after thanksgiving so that helped some, but it sure isnt the same as having him here with me. I dont know why but it is the holidays that seem the worst, I just dread Christmas coming and having to put on the happy face for the family, but I guess us moms do what we have to do.
Hey where is everyone these days ? Nobody is posting much anymore. Anyone besides us few still out there?
Darla

Darla, I'm here. How are you doing with hubby? How is your son? What does he have to say, does he talk about the prison or his cellies at all?
My son doesn't say much about it in his letters. He writes his girlfriend a lot and I'm so very grateful to her because it takes a lot of the load off me you know what I mean? But as he has a life sentance I don't think she will be around for ever. It just breaks my heart. I told her no matter what happens, whatever she decides to do I'd support her. I know it will be hard for her to walk away from him, she will feel real guilty. If she were my daughter I'd tell her to get out now but like I said I'm real glad she is around for my son to write to and he calls her when he can.
Anyways just thinking about you and everyone.
I hope luzinit is OK, I have a feeling she is not.

Peace,
Kim

Hello to all Mothers,
Just got home from work- sorry I haven't written in quite awhile- it seems alot has gone on here since Nov. 21. I too put on a happy face for Thanksgiving for everyone, I cooked. I have been busy helping to plan a baby shower for my oldest son and his wife. I am back to work and working alot- I think my boss sometimes wants to stress me out so much that I will quit. (NO WAY) I have an opportunity to transfer to a different store, and I am thinking about taking it.
I hear from Kacy about every other day- today was the day. Barbara, you wrote that your son was taking a job at the prison for 80 cents a day but wouldn't take a mininum wage job- thats what Kacy is going to do too. I laughed when I got off the phone, she told me she was going to work to make money. I thought about you and your son.
I still have not gotten anything back on my application for visitation, and I am taking advice from all the moms here to resend my application.
Connie- thanks for the laughs- we all need them.
(I can relate to about 90% of your quotes!)
Every mom take care. I know I felt really alone until I found this site and I am grateful for it.

bev

Hello,
I've spent days reading posts and message boards from mothers with sons in prison hoping to get some insight. I am just at my wits end.
My 21 year old son was arrested for conspiracy to distribute meth. Because of the amount and the fact that it was taken over state lines, it is federal. I just don't understand the federal system. My son has his story, The DCI investigator has his, the fellow who is doing the pre-sentence investigation tells me another, and his attorney tells a whole different story. He will be sentenced Dec. 9th and could get up to 10 years. To top that off, I have no support system. We live in a small town (800 people)and if I mention anything the whole town would know and judge us and I have a daughter still in school to think of. My DH tells me that I will get used to it - he got used to not seeing his kids when he got divorced. And my son's girlfriend will no longer let us see my grandson.
Thanksgiving was miserable and now I have to put on a smile for Christmas for the rest of the family - which I know I need to do for the rest of my kids and grandkids. Does it get easier? I'm hoping that after the sentencing at least I will know how long he will be gone instead of this "fear of the unknown."
My son feels like he has lost everything now and his life is over (first time offender) just because he made a dumb mistake and I feel so alone and helpless. I'm sure all of you have gone through the same feeling I am. Prayer helps but whenever I am alone and not busy I'm crying. Thanks for letting me vent.
Janet

Janet,
First of all welcome to the site. This site has helped me get through a lot, just to know there are others out there who understand and will not judge me is a wonderful help in dealing with what I was/am feeling. Keep reading and posting!
To my understanding if he goes to federal prison it is better than state prison but he may not be in the same state as you are or where he was arrested at. My son is in state prison (California). How long ago was he arrested? Has he been in jail all this time? My experiance has been that everyone has a different story, I know that the attorney could not tell me much because of client privalege even though he was my son. I do know that my son could not say much to me because everything is recorded. He still cannot say anything because he is going through appeals. I also know that the D.A. and police cannot be trusted. So I have learned to not question anyone because the people who know what happened can't talk and the people who talk don't know anything. After the sentancing it will become much easier because you will know what he is facing but there may be other things that will trouble you like his movement from place to place and waiting for him to write or call after the move. This is what I am going through now. All I can do is wait and hope he has envelopes to write home so I know where he is.
You will make it through this because you have no choice. And you know crying is not a bad thing sometimes it's all we can do.
You will be in my prayers Janet your son too.
Please post again, all the moms here need each other.

Peace,
Kim

hi to every mom,
Isn't it true that we are all going through the same thing with just a little bit different things that happend to our kids? Janet, hang in there because you will continue to hear all kinds of stories about what happened. I know I did. I still believe my daughter- just about everyone here has sons, but, I also have my only daughter in the same kind of different situation. It is tough all the time, but, I learned from Kim, Darla and Barbara you have to still be strong for the rest of your family. They did it, so can I-thats how I see it.

I have only been here for a short time, but all the mom's here have helped me alot- keep in touch because we do care.

love bev

Hi everyone and thank you so much for the support. It felt better just being able to tell to someone. My son has been in a county jail since his arrest in July. He will be sentenced Dec. 9th.
I haven't actually gotten to see him since July but he calls about twice a week. And although my husband has not been very supportive he hasn't complained too much about the phone bill -yet anyway. My oldest son and I plan on attending the sentencing as it may be the last time we actually see him for awhile. We don't have a low-security prison in our state so he will be about 10 hours away IF he is transferred to the closest prison. The probation/parole fellow said they would try to keep him as close to home as possible but since he has turned everything everyone told him around while doing the PSI, I can't trust that information either.
I know we will make it through this, like you said - we have no choice. I pray alot, not only for my strength but that my son has learned his lesson. I am greatful that it's not worse and he still alive and healthy. Thanks again for the prayers and friendship. I will keep you all in my prayers also. I firmly believe there is Power in Prayer!
Janet

Hello ! it has been a long time since my last post. I have been very busy with our new company, alot of stress and sleepless nights tring to make a go of all of this. My son is doing wonderful he has been out for 6 months his parol officer has been great with him no as bad as I thought it would be. He is working for my husband and myself aswe are starting this new venture and I am loving every day that I get to see him. If he continues to do this good his PO will cut him loose n 6 more months. My youngest son is still in the system. He is in Victor Valey Community Correctional Facility, it is minimum security so not too bad for him. He still has 8 months to go. My granddaughter and I went to see him last Sunday....He looks wonderful ( i miss him so much) this is the hardest time of the year for him with the holidays and all but hopefully they will be the last ones he will miss.
Kim & Darla you are two strong woman and a blessiing to everyone that comes on this site, I have read the last posts and tried to catch up on what I have missed. please e-mail me and let me know how you boys are doing. I still keep everyone on this site in my prayes and thoughts daily just too busy right now to keep up ,which has been good for me. I sure hope all of you get through the holidays okay they were very difficult for me didn't care if they came or not. Talk to you all soon. will try not to stay away so long. bless you all .........Jeri
breesmema@msn.com

Hello Ladies
Welcome Janet.Yes we all know too well what you are going through,But since I found this site,just knowing there are others out there that understand like no other,helps tremendously.When my son first got in trouble and got sent away, we too lived in a small towm,and everyone knew everyones business.My other two sons were pulled over by police because they thought that they were my older son,but it was realy just to harass them.If we had to call a police for whatever as soon as they seen it was our family they treated us differently.It's so stupid but it happens.I wish I would of found this site when all this stared for me(in 1997).I'm sure it would of saved me from the drinking and the distructive behavior I put myself through.I sit down and read the different post at least once a day,so it will keep my mind off of myself.Stay strong case your the only one your son has.And even thought it might seem like you'll never make it through this you will.We all will.God Bless you and your son.keep posting and you'll see it realy helps.
Peace be with you;
Linda L.
If you or any of you ladies would like to e-mail me my address is nanalucy61@yahoo.com pleases feel free.

Jeri!!!!

I am so happy for you! It sounds like everything is good. I'm really glad you posted again to let us know whats going on.
Tell your son that his other mommies here on the site are very happy for him and proud of him OK?
And Jeri...thank you for being there for me when I needed someone :)

Thank You my friend.
Peace,
Kim

Kim,
Hi, glad to hear from you :) Things are going ok here for me. My son is doing really good considering the circumstances. He has actually accepted it better than I and that is making things ok for him. He is up in Florence now and he actually got a job in there that he is making 5.15 per hour at,it is with a window company from Tucson that has a site on the prison grounds. The prison takes 40 per cent for board "LOL" he gets 50 cents per hour on his books and the rest stays in a account that he gets on his realease day. He is working 10 hours a day 5 days a week so he said time is going alot faster and he hopes they leave him where he is at for a long time :)You know he has been moved 7 times in one year already.
As far as hubby goes, he is going to AA now. He actually came and picked me up on a friday night and asked me to go to a meeting with him. I am not sure if he is for real or if he thinks doing this will get him back into the house. I guess we will see. I have not gone to alanon yet, things have been real tuff for me and I have not even went to work as I have been real sick for the past over 2 weeks. All I been doing is doctors doctors and more. Things shouldnt be this way at my age yet. It's like all of a sudden in the past year my health has been failing me, one thing after another.
Yes my son talks about his cellies, he has some he liked and some not so good "LOL" but he has managed to keep out of truoble so far with a few close calls. His girl stuck around for the first year and she just dumped him a couple months ago. I knew it would happen I warned him of it ( tried to prepare him ) but it still hurt him pretty bad.
Maybe you should prepare Skylar for the inevitable too, sometimes it is better to be prepared than to have it fall flat in your face.
Good to hear you are ok :)
Darla

Janet,
Hello and welcome to "POL" Glad you found us.
My son turned 21 in prison and has been in a year as of Nov 11th, he was also a first time offender and got 8 years. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life but with the support of the ladies here and knowing that I have to go on for my son and the rest of my family keep me hanging in here :)
First of all dont be ashamed of your son, my famous line to people is " I am not proud and I am not ashamed, it is what it is " everyone makes mistakes, some worse than others but all the same they are mistakes. It is what they do after their mistakes, and if they learn is what counts. Try your best to be there for your son, he is young and there is still time to help him see the light so to speak. 10 years is along time but if that is what he gets, he is young and still has a life ahead of him to make things better if he chooses. He will still need your guidence even when he is gone, more than you will know.
Also about your sons girlfriend that wont let you see the child, I dont know what state you are in but here in AZ there is a grandparents rights clause, check in your state and see, if so you can file a petition with the court and get visitation rights just like a parent can. Here you can file using a self help packet from the courts and you only pay the filing fee,s so it is affordable. Good luck to you and hope you come back often and talk with us. We cant make things all better but were good with advise and support if nothing else :) I will keep your son in my prayers for his sentencing.
Darla

OMG!!!!! Jeri :):) I am so happy to hear from you and especially happy to hear that your son is doing so well. I have been thinking about you and wondering what was happening in your life. Sounds like you have been a busy bee :) And the other son coming home in 8 months!!!! You must be estactic:) Please keep in touch with us from time to time as we love to hear the good stories too :) It is nice for us to know that sometimes there is light at the end of the tunnel :)
Missed you, keep in touch
Darla

Linda, Bev , Barb, Gosh ladies I didnt mean to be rude. I forgot to post hello :) You will have to excuse my old mind as it is off running and very forgetful sometimes :( Glad you all made it through the holiday, the big ones coming. I know we can do it :)
So glad to have you all as friends :)
Darla

Hello to all, and first off my very warmest wishes, even in these difficult times. I know how hard it is to try to keep things together when a loved one is in prison; I did almost 5 years in NC prisons. I wanted to try to share some things with you, in some hope that it might encourage you to hang in there. This is from a post I wrote awhile back:

Every inmate will go through this, unless they actually LIKE prison. It is impossible to wear a real smile every day while in prison, and I was certainly no exception. I usually turned to writing when I didn't feel so good, and I am reminded of one I wrote on July 13, while I was at Dan River Prison in North Carolina. I wanted to share this because I was feeling kinda down and maybe is some sliver it might reflect how other inmates may feel from time to time. Everyone is very different, but sometimes our feelings are the same:


Friday, July 13th- It's just after 10pm as I wait for "Hearts of Space". It comes on at 11 so I've got an hour to kill. I just started reading Steven King's "It", and I'm caught in a good story, especially since I've seen the movie. With 1090 pages, I've got a lot of reading, but currently I 'm on page 412. The Derry kids have all grown up and have started coming backt to Derry. Stan committed suicide, so he won't show. There's a lot of flashbacks and flashbacks on flashbacks. But I like that story, and will probably read more until the show comes on. I'll also need to read some scriptures (10:15). I'll do it when " Hearts of Space" come on. I'm also getting over a headache and a queezy stomach. I felt pretty bad from 4 till about 8, but watching a movie helped me forget about my condition. There's something to that. I feel kinda down because I have no money on me, now 30 cents. When I talked to mom, she said nothing about sending me anything. It was in early June that mom sent me $50, and mentioned she'd send more in a couple of weeks. But after about 5-6 weeks, I've run out of money. I dare not tell mom, but I was counting on my poems, paper and pens to hold me up. It hasn't. To be honest, it's very disappointing, especially since I tithed money I could have used. I don't regret it, but a guy believing God for finances ought NEVER be broke. I've given to many, praised God every chance I could, but I'm still flat broke. I shoud be the one helping guys that are broke. It's not like God has bills to pay, and says He'll see what He can do next month. I realize God deserves much better, He deserves my praise, no doubt. But I feel burdened by this financial lack. I shouldn't but when I see everybody on payday eating pizzas, burgers, soups, ice cream, ect, and all I have is 5 cents, it's not right. I've prayed to get this paper sold and poems. Something's gotta start going my way. I still love God, but it's harder to praise Him when things are like this.


This was how I felt more than once while in prison, and as much as I wanted to ask mom for money, I didn't want to burden her with that. If she asks if I need money, I would say yes, but if she does not ask, I usually will not bother her with that. Inmates just don't want to burden their parents more than they already are, but if they are doing bad, they will ask. It just is such a pickup when your finances are better than zero, especially when you are in prison. I know that's kinda odd, especially when in prison you meals, clothing and shelter is taken care of. But that's how a lot of guys feel. But at the same time they don't want to burden the people they love. Some inmates don't take into consideration that their parents have to work to pay bills and other needs, but many do. Hope this helps a bit.

I hope this helps, even if just a little. I do a lot of blogging about my writing, and talk about many other issues from my memory, journals and heart. You are all welcome to visit my blog if it will help.

Hi moms
How is everyone doing? Not much going on with my son right now except he requested to be moved out of seg into a semi population. He likes it a whole lot better after all he was locked up in his cell 23 hours of the day. Now he is with 23 others and he can call me any time. I really like that idea. :-)
I was really afraid when he told me that at first but he sounds like he needed to be with people. 2 years in Seg is a long time.
He gets to be out of his cell all day and he now gets yard. He hasn't been outside in those 2 years. As long as he is careful. He is too trusting and that is why we are in this situation.
Take care and I prayer everyday for all of us
Barbara

'Twas The Night Before Christmas In Prison


'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the cells
The convicts were locked up
All madder than hell

Except for the lifers
Kicked back in their bunks
Heads filled with visions
Of fat little punks

When suddenly from the roof top
There arose such a roar
That the bulls thought it was
A riot for sure

The goon squad ran in
And stood ready to hit
A big guard yelled out
Who started this sh*t

It came from the roof top
Snivelled a snitch
It must be a breakout
Oh, son of a bitch

They climbed to the roof
By way of the stairs
Found a fat little freak
In red underwear

No, No yelled the dude
I bring you good cheer
Damn said the Captain
We found us a queer

Alright mother f**ker
Get your hands on the wall
They shook him down good
A**hole and all

They beat him and threw him
Into the hole with a kick
Well so much for Christmas
They locked up St. Nick

HA ha ha ha ha
I'm going to send this to my son
Thanks Connie

Me too!
Ha ha ha ha!!

Thank you Connie

Peace,
Kim

Thanks Connie :) That was too funny, I am sending it to my son to!!!

Hi Ladies,
Just wanted to say hello, and to see how everyone is doing.As we near the holliday I know first hand how difficult,depressing and alone one can feel.Even if they have a house full of other kid's husband ext.Because no one feels the same as a mom without their child at christmas.This will be my third, and it does'nt change at all.For you first time mom's out there, if you feel you need to chat with someone who has been there you can e-mail me at nanalucy61@yahoo.com.I'll be more than happy to try and help you through your time.I wish I would of had you all then,and so blessed to have you now.Is it just me or is not too many post these days? Have a blessed evening.You'r friend
LindaL

Hi Linda :) No its not you "LOL" there doesnt seem to be a whole lot of posting going on lately.
I think maybe everyone is having the holiday Blues. I know I sure am :) Hope you are doing ok, and your son too.
Darla

PS Check your email :):)

Hello all Moms- Connie- thank you for the Night Before Christmas in Prison- I sent it to my daughter too. I couldn't print it off the computer- she is not allowed to have any computer printed material. It was very funny! So I wrote it out and sent it to her. My husband doesn't think they will let her have it, but I had to try. I think everyone needs a laugh this time of year.
I still have not heard about my visitation with Kacy- one cell mate of hers waited 94 days before she got the news that whoever was wanting to visit her got approved. I know I filled it out Nov. 18, but, I'm a MOM and I want it accepted right now- I haven't seen Kacy since August 1. (When my heart was ripped out again) I do think though, that if this didn't happen, she would still be into the bad life scene.
We haven't heard from her boyfriend in quite awhile, (he is also in jail), or his father or mom. I told his mom about this site- I don't think she really cares though- he's been in trouble for a long time and I think she is happy that she or we are not supporting them anymore.
Darla- my yougest son is getting his act together- he is now working full time, and Kacy did talk to him, thanks for caring.
Barbara- I read one post I wrote and I think it sounded funny- I was probably tired. I meant that Kacy wouldn't work for minimum wage either- but, is also excited about working for cents a day in prison like your son. Thats what I thought was funny- they both thought the same thing in there, but would not accept the miminum out here. I also hope everything is working out for your job, that worries me.
I haven't shopped for Christmas yet- has anyone? My husband is working every day in fear of getting laid off in February- Generous Motors is funny like that- Delphi might go out in February and GM gets laid off or goes on strike. I am not looking forward to that- he told me I can work every day then.
Kacy just called and she's sick- she said she has to put a "medical request" in? Is this how they do it? I am worried she sounded terrible on the phone. Now I am really upset.

Bev

Hello everyone,
I haven't posted much but spent several days reading your posts. Your support of each other is just wonderful. I know it made me feel better when I posted.
I got to talk to my son last night. He was supposed to go to sentencing tomorrow but the judge has been hospitalized so it has been postponed, making the wait all that much longer. I just don't understand the federal system and it seems to me that no one else does either. According to my son, some other drug dealer said my son used a weapon while obtaining drugs. But the weapon he supposeably used was confinscated by DCI three days prior. However, the Pre-sentence report fails to mention the confinscation. So bottom line, the judge gets to hear by rumor that there was a weapon involved and his attorney gets to argue that the weapon was confinscated. First of all isn't that hearsay? I thought you couldn't use hearsay in a trial but apparently the feds can. Not to mention that there was no evidence that a weapon was used just the statement given by another drug dealer. Unfortunately, using a weapon and the drugs impacts my sons case a great deal. What I really don't understand is how the feds can just add charges right before sentencing without my son getting a chance to plead innocent or guilty.
On a brighter side, since my oldest son and I had already planned on driving down to the sentencing, we are still going down to visit my youngest son. I didn't tell him on the phone last night that we are coming, I'm hoping to surprise him but I don't know if the guards will tell him when I call to get a scheduled visitation time. Either way, I think it will cheer him up. He is really dreading spending Christmas behind bars as am I.
Hope everyone is keeping warm it was -20 yesterday and we are up to 11 today.
Thanks for listening/reading.
Janet

Darla,
Hello girl! Hope your health is getting better, what has been wrong that you are going to Dr. after Dr.? I went through some health issues too right before my sons trial, I'm telling you we need to be selfish and take care of ourselves cuz no one else is going to.
You crack me up about your sons job in prison. It is funny that .40 or .50 cents is looking pretty good when they are locked up! You said that he is actually making 5 something an hour and that it goes into an account for when he gets out...well, what happens if they get life like my son? I wonder how that works?
As far as I know Skylar has not been moved yet and he sounds OK in his letters. We sent him $200 so he can get a TV when he is moved, I hear they are only about $150.
About his girlfriend, it's funny because she wasn't his girlfriend before he was arrested. She is an old schoolmate of his from Elementary school. She went to visit him in County jail way before his trial and just kept on visiting, broke up with her boyfriend and now she wants to marry Sky (or at least she did). Her mother even visits and loves Sky too. The first time I met them was at the trial, very nice people. My son doesn't understand why she sticks around, he knows she will have to call it quits some day but I don't think it will make it any easier for him. You know what I did? I picked flowers from my yard and put them in the copier machine and made copies on notebook paper (like a little bouquet) so he could write her letters on it AND send her flowers too. I bet she liked that cuz one time a long time ago my son sent a flower made out of Top Ramen wrapper to me, it is only about 2 inches long but it is the best present I ever got!!! I cherish it. He got lucky that they didn't find it in the letter and take it out. Anyways he didn't have a girlfriend then otherwise I don't think I would be the lucky one to receive it!
Well anyways I am still doing good, had a couple days where I was teary eyed but thats OK. I flow with it because I know it will pass. I have been busy doing nothing other than daughters soccer (we have another tournament this weekend) and band concerts and strings concerts. My twins play trumpet and cello.
Nothing new really just wanted to say hi to you and eveyone else. Hope you are feeling better.

Peace,
Kim

Hi Kim :)
Well you name it, it has been wrong with me in this past year!!! I told my doctor he is turning me into a medical hypocondriact "LOL" I dont know if you remember when I had that deal with my heart and they did a angiogram? That was months back, anyways that turned out ok except for a slight blockage and they told to lower my cholesterol and stop smoking and I should be ok. Well then I was having stomach problems and figured it was nerves but I mentioned it to my doc so he says well lets be sure its not a ulcer, so I went to get a upper GI found out it wasnt a ulcer just some upper something reflux and he gave me meds to take. Ok here comes, while they were doing the upper GI they noticed a spot on my lung behind my heart. Here I go again I thought, shit I am going to quit going to these guys they are not gonna quit till they find something flippen wrong with me "LOL" So against my better judgement the doc talked me into a cat scan. Did that last month and sure enough found a spot on my lower lung about the size of a quarter. Now he says I got to see a specialist "Pulmonary Doc" I'm like man I have had it with this shit I aint going. Well my daughter nags me till I make the appointment, was due to go on the 30th of NOV, 3 weeks away from the day I made it. about 4 days after that I get real sick, sick as a dog. get diarehha something awful. Went that way for a week finally could hardley get out of bed. Oh back to my primary doc again. Get there in a bad way very dehydrated, tells me I have something called diverticulitus. Well that was weeks ago and I still havent recovered completely but am doing better. Finally saw the pulmonary doc this tuesday, we are now waiting on blood tests and now possibly a biopsy on the lung depending on the blood test that comes back. So thats my story Kim :) "LOL" I guess it isnt really funny but I have to keep on smiling. I just cant believe what all has been happening and it never seems to quit. I am so tired of doctors already, I know I have been more times in this past year than in all my life. I just dont go to the doctor, it isnt me. And it is kinda freaking me out because I have always been healthy. I really feel like they are just looking for shit to be wrong and in the process they are scaring me to death for gods sake!!!!
Well that is good Skylar has someone to write to and things. My sons girl dumped him. But you never know some girls and women seem to like only men in prison so your sons girl may be one of them. My sons TV was 235.00 that included the head set which you have to have or you cant hear it "LOL" So far he has managed to keep it in good condition even all the times they have moved him around. I dont know what they would do in Skylars case if he got a higher paying job. Gosh that is a good question when you are looking at life. But hey Kim, we have to look at the bright side and hope maybe he wont do that life sentence :) Didnt you say he has a appeal coming up?? Did he ask for another lawywer? I would ask for the appeal on the fact alone that he did not have good representation and they have to give him another lawyer dont they?
I am glad you are doing ok, and I hope Skylar is doing well too and gets moved real soon to his place wherever that may be.
talk to you later
Darla

Bev, I am glad to hear that your son is getting his act together. I will keep praying for him :) And I hope you get approved to see Kacy real soon. Sometimes they take way too long, I went through that and it was very maddening and stressful!!!! I have started my Christmas shopping and it surprized me "LOL" I did it more from dread than fun though I must admit. I am going to visit my son again Saturday if all goes well for me :) He sent me the family pic we took the other week and it turned out so nice ( for in prison anyways )
Janet, sorry to hear you sons was postponed. Hate to say it but we have all been there. I think there is just a long line of it with the courts no matter if it is state or federal. It can really get to you after awhile I know. They kept doing it with my son too and it sucked "LOL" I think what sucked the most was that waiting game and not knowing what the outcome will be and hoping for the best. When my son got 8 years it just about broke my heart as I was hoping for less of course, but after the intial heartbreak I think it was kind of a relief at least knowing what it was and that it was over and now you know where it all stands and can get on trying to deal with it. That probably sounds crazy but that is how I felt. Now I dont have to wonder about it anymore, I know what is and what I must deal with. So I do feel for you having that postponed.
Do you have any idea when it is set for now? Usually when they postpone it is at least another 30 days. Let us know and we will keep praying for you and him:)
Darla

Hi to all Moms-
I just got home from work and decided to check on everyone here- hope everything is going as well as can be expected for all Moms.
Janet, I don't know much about the federal system, but I do know all our systems need an overhaul. We went to court several times over 2 years with Kacy and it was very much like a circus court much of the time until we hired the last lawyer. He made it clear that if she cleaned her act up and did everything the court wanted she would probably get probation. Well she didn't comply and her last court date was put in jail for testing dirty. That was Aug. 1.
Hang in there Janet. By the way- I live in MI and I have the same weather you are having. I drove home from work tonight in about 3 inches of snow!!!
Darla, how are you feeling? I hope the doctors you are seeing are not just "looking" for something, and you get a diagnosis soon. I think diverticulitus is a condition that must be dealt with- with diet isn't it? Please take care of yourself, and ,I know you sound like you are tired of going to doctors. Please listen to them and take your medication. Thank you also for praying for my youngest son- I also put a special prayer in for all our children and the Moms here every night.
Kim- it sounds like you are very busy with your younger kids- that can be good! My youngest is 19 and my oldest is 23. Kacy is 21, my only girl. I wanted to tell you I love your sons name Skylar- it is so unusual. Did you get it out of a baby book or make it up- like we made up Kacy's name? My husband wanted to name her KC and I said NO. Find a way to spell it. There were no Kacy's 21 years ago. I like unusual names. Anyway I hope you are doing well too.
My husband talked to Kacy today and she did put in her medical request and saw a doctor for her illness- I feel a little bit better- I was the one that took care of the kids when they were sick and I am still heartbroken to know that they are not taking care of her like I would. I hope to hear from her tomorrow- I am off from work, but, will be attending a trial with my best friend who's husband was killed in a hit and run accident in Sept. That was not good. Tomorrow is the lady's sentencing. The young man that was killed was only 24- much the same age as our kids.
Until tomorrow when I talk your ears off- you and you children are in my prayers.
Take Care
Bev

P.S.
One more little thing- Kacy's TV was 85$- a 13 inch-what kind of tv did your kids get? just thought about this.

bev

anyone out there?

bev

I am!

Hello Bev, how are you doing tonight?
I got a letter from my son today and I feel a little anxiety trying to work it's way into me. I guess he was told where he is being moved to, I'm not sure if he left yet or not. He is going to 'Kern Valley State Prison' otherwise known as 'New Delano' to the convicts. It's the newest prison in Cali. It just opened up last June. He says, " The only catch is it's going to be a war zone for the next couple of years because it's getting every other prisons 'SHU' kickouts... the knuckleheads. Since it's so new every race will be fighting over everything. I think it's currently on lockdown as I write this. I'll put it this way...'Salinas Valley Prison' opened up about 6 years ago & has been on lockdown about everyday & they are only starting to get some program cause all of it's knuckleheads are being sent to 'New Delano' haha. The C.O.'s here are friggen wishing me luck--they don't even want to work there! haha. The way I look at it is - lock me down & I'll just sit safe in my cell & watch some TV. Don't worry, things will be cool...."
So I guess I'm on the last part of this journey of waiting, waiting, and more waiting and all the worry and anxiety that goes with it. Been almost 3 years now you know, my son was arrested on Dec. 31. New Years Eve is always a swell time anymore :( Oh well, what can I say? This is my 3rd Christmas without him.
But I'm OK I guess I'm just cried out. Just got lucky and managed to control the raging monster within me and found some peace.

Sleep well,
Kim

hello all
Connie: the poem was great I too will send it to my son with his next letter, hopefully he will get a kick out of it like we all did.
Darla: take care of your self sounds like you are going through a lot of illness right now and with all the stress we go through with our sons you need to stay healthy.
Kim: you are sounding better these days it must be like me when it was all said and done with the courts and reality sets in I think we deal with it better because we know what we are up against. My so too has reconnected with an old girlfriend and writing on a regular basis and are talking possible marrage when he gets out in July. I guess I just wait and see what the outcome to that is. On the positive side of it I really like her and she has gotten her life in order, working, drug free for 10 months and has no children. so I hope it works out for my son. He sure has been in good spirits. I don't know anything about Kern Valley State Prison but my oldest son was in Salinas Valley and yes he was in lockdown the whole entire time he was in. My youngest also has a job, he is a porter and makes about $12 a month but it keeps him busy and yes it is suprsing how happy it makes them to be earning it even when theywere unwilling to work on the outside.
All moms hang in there during the holiday they are not easy... I have one son back but not the other so it is still very hard for me and I just can't seem to get into the spirit again this year. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Jeri

Hi everyone. I haven't posted for awhile, just reading. I got a phone call this morning from my mom , the kind we don't want to get. My dad is in the hospital again. He went into the hospital right after I left Florida and had his appendix out and was there over Thanksgiving. They have a place in New Mexico also and they came back 12 days after they released him and he wasn't doing to good at that time. My sister went to see my parents and said dad didn't look very good. He has lost 12 pounds since the surgery in November and last night they put him back into the hospital, here in New Mexico. I'm here at work at the hospital today and will be until 7pm today. I don't mind the 12 hour shifts unless your waiting for some kind of news. Then it makes a long day. My dad is going to be 72 on the 15th of December. My parents have been very supportive with my son and I hope and pray all goes well. I need my dad to help get me through the trial in May. My mom is going to have a hip replacement in January. Needed to talk Thanks for listening

I saw my son on Friday since he moved out of Seg. Visiting was alot different because I was use to just him and me talking now there's about 12 sitting and talking on the phones through the glass. Its alot noisier that's for sure. He seems to be doing good. He wears browns now and not the yellows. I was alittle iritated with him this last week because he didn't call on the day he said he was going too. Now that he has all that freedom so to speak and has people to talk to, he forgot to call. Forgot to call........that was not the right thing to say to me if you know what I mean. lol
We have an agreement now that he will call Mondays,Wednesdays and saturdays unless they are in lock down or the phones are broken. I was use to him calling on Mondays and Wednesdays and seeing him on Fridays when he was in Seg. So its an adjustment for everyone especially me, mom. lol I will have to admit when he didn't call the old thoughts and feelings came back when he was out and irresponsible. I wonder if that will ever go away.
Well I'm sorta bummed today. Hope everyone is doing alright.
Bev....I knew what you met about working inside, they were too good to work for minimum wage when they were out but eager now. How funny. Guess when they do get out minimum wage will seem like millions to them. lol
Kim thanks for the long letter. I could relate to it. Dawn and my son are facing similiar changes and sentencings so it didn't really matter if you got confused.
Dawn we haven't heard from you for awhile, are you still out there?
Bev this may be a silly question but do they have cable for these TV's to work ?
I bought gift cards for family for Christmas. I wasn't in the mood to go out and shop. Guess I've had a bad week
Take care
Barbara

The inmate is not the only one serving time.

I have a feeling the inmate does not think about us like we think and worry about them. They are going on with their lives, we need to learn to do the same ladies. We need to find a balance.
We are truely prisoners of love.

Peace,
Kim

Hi Kim, Darla, Barbara, Janet, Jeri, Linda, Connie- hope I didn't miss anyone. Hello to all mothers regardless. I hope everyone is hanging in there- this time of year is a tough one. Kacy was home last year at this time, and although I was happy she was here, she was pawning all our belongings. She talks now how she regrets and forgets alot that she has done, but, I think the regretting is settling in quite good right now. I talked to her today, and she is quite homesick when she found out we had snow up here. I know she wants to come home- she is up for a reconsideration- which I don't know exactly how that works. My husband has talked to her lawyer- I hate to sound mean, but, I can't understand this guy on the phone very well with his heavy Southern drawl. My husband is from TN and can, so I let him do the talking.
My oldest son and his wife just stopped by- their baby is due March 10. She had an ultra sound last week and the doctor thinks its a girl. I don't care as long as the baby is healthy. I told her that when she called and said it was probably a girl- although I was hoping for a blonde, blue eyed boy like my oldest. But- it doesn't matter.
Barbara, Kacy has cable for her television- I was quite surprised myself. I think she gets more channels that I do. She was watching Animal Planet- we are big animal nuts. I am currently taking care of her two praire dogs- one is nice and one is very mean. I was bitten by the mean one last time I cleaned their house, and had to tell my doctor it was a dog bite. She didn't believe me though. All healed up now, but, I will not clean their house again- that job is for my husband or youngest son. I sure hope your dad is going to be ok. I lost my dad at an early age 24- I know how tough it can be when your Rock of Gibraltar is crumbling. Take care of yourself Barbara- I hope everything will work out for your dad. Gift Cards sound really good to me too- takes alot of strain out of the shopping scene.
I had today off and really took advantage of relaxing- I have to be at work at 5am tomorrow morning.
I still have not heard anything about visitation-Kacy said she will be notified when we are approved. She said you get approved, and then call? I guess for future visitations? I am confused- do you have to fill out the forms each time for visitation, or what? This is so different than the regional jail. Someone fill me in on this detail.
Kim, I agree with you that the inmate does not think about us the same way we think and worry about them. I know they are going on with their lives, and we need to do the same- but I think we need to keep them in our lives and go on. I can't think about going on with my life without my daughter- and yes Connie we are Prisoners of Love.
The trial I went to with my friend on the hit and run- the lady got a suspended license and 2 years probabition. Sorry ladies- I don't think that was right. I was upset, considering all of our circumstances.
My youngest son is doing good- he just stole my car (NOT) I let him borrow it for a little while-I have gas and he doesn't in his car. He's really a good guy- I just worry about my boys so much, because of what happened to Kacy. They call me an old hen!
Take care everyone and you and your children are in my prayers

Bev

Hello everyone,
Hope you all had a nice weekend. My oldest son and I got to see my youngest son this weekend. We had planned on driving the 250 miles anyway and had made plans to stay with my step-mother and pick up some more stuff she had for us. On the way home we stopped off at the jail. Originally, they told us that we could only see him for 20 minutes but it turned out they let us visit for over an hour. He was sure surprised to see us and I think it really lifted his spirits. They haven't told us when they have rescheduled the sentencing but I did hear that the judge is out of the hospital now. I'm sure it will be after the holidays although he seems to think sooner. He also thinks he will only get 2 years (there is a paralegal in jail with my son giving him all kinds of info, telling him to file motions, etc.) I guess time will tell I just hope he doesn't get his hopes up just to have them shattered. The girlfriend is doing enough of that right now anyway.
Bev, congrats on the new grandbaby! It's so much fun being a grandmother. I hope you get to see your daughter very soon.
Barbara, I'll keep your parents in my prayers. Isn't it amazing that no matter how old we get we still lean on our parents for support and they still think of us as their "babies."
I hope everyone has a great week. Thanks for all the supportive words.
Janet

Hi Janet
I think I forgot to welcome you to the site. So here is a belated welcome.
I know what you mean aabout getting their hopes up. My son has heard some things too and you don't want to shoot their hopes down but then again you don't want them to be disappointed either.
My son's paralegal and I talk alot and she tells me that they always prepare their clients for the worst and then if it turns out better, then they aren't disappointed. That makes alot of sense to me. Prepare for the worst. although I don't like to think my son will be in jail the rest of his life.
My dad is in surgery right now. I am waiting for my mom to call. The waiting sucks.... as if I not use to it by now with my sons ordeal. lol
I am lucky my parents have stood by my son. It has been important to him also.
Sounds like your trip to visit your son went well. Its always sad when we have to leave. :-(
Take care and have a good day
Barbara

Hi all Moms- I was going to go thorugh all the names again- but I am very tired today.
Barbara- I hope your dad will come through his surgery- I know the waiting is not a good feeling. It's different with your dad than it is with your child- hang in there and I hope for the best for your dad. (My dad was my best friend in all the world) Hang in there Barbara.
Kim-I don't know anything about the Cali prison system- it seems I don't know alot about anything. I sure hope your son does stay in lock down- from what you said, it sounds like if the prison is new, everyone is looking for their new turf. Tell your son to stay safe- and watch his back- he sounds like a very likeable young man that is to trusting like my youngest son.
Janet I am happy you got to see your son- like I said- I am still chasing my mail man for a visitation letter- someone please fill me in on that- I don't understand if I sould fill out another request without getting my first one approved- or do I call the prison to find out- oh maybe I better- I bet all states are different.
Take care everyone- I'm waiting to hear from Kacy- she called earlier today and I was at work. She told her brother I would be home tonight.

Bev

Barbara,
Hopefully you have heard from your mom and your dad is out of surgery by now and it was successful. I don't think we ever get used to waiting. I have several friends that have had hip replacement and have done wonderfully, hopefully your mom's will be successful. Most of them said they wished they had done it sooner. Hang in there. You have a lot on your plate right now.
I've been trying to prepare my son for the worst but he seems to listen to all the wrong people. The paralegal he is talking to is doing jail time for embezzlement. His attorney tells him one thing and the paralegal tells him the attorney is full of crap. To be honest I really don't think this attorney is the greatest but I'm not so sure about the paralegal either. I have taken comfort in the fact that I went to school with the judges son (years ago) and he was a really nice kid and so were his folks. The judge is known to pretty fair too. We will just have to wait and deal with whatever comes. Patience has never been one of my virtues but I'm learning.
Well, again I hope all is well with your Dad. I'll say a prayer.
Janet

Hi everyone :)
Sounds like alot going on with everyone lately.
Barbara I wish the best for your dad and will keep him in my prayers. I wish I was as fortunate as you to have family that cared about my son. That must be wonderful :)
Bev if you havent heard back on your visits yet then you should call the prison, ask for visitation. I think I told you how long I waited to see my son because of there mess ups. Call and just make sure they even have your application on file. Here in AZ it is supposed to be done within 30 days ( although mine didnt happen like that) I had to do tons of calling to make it happen.
As far as the TV, well they do have cable here in AZ too. I would imagine they have it in all the prisons as I dont think that inside those walls they would get any picture without it. I rather doubt it is because they are being so nice to the inmates "LOL"
I got to visit with my son this past saturday :):) I enjoy seeing him so much and we have such good talks now :) I hate when I have to leave though, I want to take him home.
Kim I think you are right in the thought that it is harder on us out here ( the missing part ) they do go on with there lives and adjust in there. I see that in my son. I even mentioned it to him and he said "mom you have to try and not think about out there when your in here or you would go crazy " I guess when people do that they call it hard timing ( prison lingo ) Anyways he said the rule of survival in there is to stay focused and if your mind is outside those walls and worring about what is happening out there then that is a good way to get yourself hurt inside the prison because it is distracting.Basically he said you always have to have your mind on where you are and pay attention to what is going on where your at. Anyways here I am rambeling on "LOL" I am actually learning alot about what goes on inside from him. But i bet there is alot he doesnt tell me because he knows how I worry.
Hope everyone is well, and makes it through this holiday. Gosh only 13 more days !!!!!
darla

Me again "LOL"
Hey what does everyone think about starting and new link ? Like this one is getting so long to scroll down it takes forever to get to the bottem?
Kim I think you have been here the longest, do you know if they ever wipe it out or does it just keep on going?
Anyways I was thinking we could just start a new link and call it " moms chat" or something like that just to get a new one going and save all this scrolling down and waiting ????
Anybody for the idea let me know
Darla

Good morning moms and thank you for your love and prayers for my dad.

As it turned out he didn't have surgery .....yet. They did a ultra sound and found a blood clot around the area where they removed his appendix and it was 6 inches in diameter. I was stunned. So they decided to pump plasma into him to thicken his blood because he takes a blood thiner and after that was done and numbers were where they were suppose to be they did a biopsy and tried to drain the blood. Apparently there was a big infection because the doctor remarked about the smell. Only 1/4 of it drained so they left him connected up to it last night and hopefully it drained alot more or completely, if not he will go into surgery.
Once again thank you for your concerns.
I'll keep you posted. Apparently the surgeon said this is quite common after surgery.
Take care all
Barbara

Darla
I think what happens is when 2005 is over a new site starts up, by whom I don't know. I noticed that happened for the wives whose husbands are incarcerated site. I think someone by the name of Toni owns the Prisoners of Love Community web page and perhaps she restarts it or maybe we can just do it ourselfs but I do agree it is getting long.................
Barbara

Hello everyone~
I'll tell you the best way to get all the new postings for the last week in all the groups.
When you are on the first or 'Home Page' click on the word 'community' THEN scroll down to the bottom of that page and there are little icons, click on the 3rd one from the left that says 'last week'. That will take you to a page that has a list of all the new postings in the last week. You can then click on any one of the names to go to that posting. Also you can see postings from the wives site or any that has any new postings. Check out the wives site it is very informative and that is where Toni posts too. On one of her postings not too long ago she has a link to her "myspace.com" thingy. You guys should go to that it is really neat, she tells about herself.
As far as I know this community site never starts over. We are the most active which you will see if you follow my directions. Try it, it really is the best way instead of starting at the top/beginning and scrolling through all the posts.
I'm always thinking about you guys and trying to send good vibes your way.

Peace,
Kim

OK Nov. 9th is the date Toni posted telling us to check out her "myspace.com" or is it myscene? Oh well whatever it is check it out.

Kim

Hello Ladies
sorry I have'nt posted in so long it's just that so much has been going onand I've been under the weather.Glad to see all of you are still,postingas I think and pray for you all every day.My son is doing o.k. They are going to shut my phone off again,as the bill has gotten out of hand.Each half hour call is almost 25.00and he calls me once a week.But I dont get to go see him so it makes us both feel better.He has about 4 and a half months left untill he is home.I pray I get to go see him for christmas.
You all have a blessed nite and rest of the week.
May peace be with all of you and yours.
Linda L

Hi Ladies,
Things are kind of slow today because it is snowing. We have about 6" on the ground and it's still coming down. No one wants to go outside so the office is quiet. Ok with me.
Bev, I hope you got some response about your visitation letter. I'm sure you would like to visit Kacy over the holidays.
Barbara, how is your father? Better I hope. I can identify with the phone bill, Linda. I really want to talk to my son but it definately gets expensive. On the bright side with a little over 4 months to go your on the downhill side.
We haven't heard when the sentencing will be rescheduled. My son called me last night but he had a real attitude, not that he didn't before all this. He reacts with anger and that has only made things worse for him but he just doesn't see that. You would think looking at being incarcerated for 10 years would cause a little humility, I know it would for me.
Well, I hope your weather is better than mine. It definately is "starting to look a lot like Christmas" so the song goes.
I'll check in later. Hello to Kim and Darla too!
Janet

Hello to everyone
Janet,If I may ask where in the u.s. do you live?
We had snow last week, but it is all gone now,but it is so cold out there you can hardly move.I'd rather have snow haha. I talked to my son last nite,like last week he sounded down,and again said it was because he was tired.We had several silent moments.I so wish I could see and hug him.But like you said Janet we are on the down hill side.It still feels so far away though.
Hope all you ladies are well.As for me I'm going throgh a time right now(man problems)but I know God will see me through,as I have'nt been through so much in 45 years for nothing haha.
You all have a blessed day and may peace be with you all.
As always
Linda L.

Hi Linda,
I'm in Wyoming. We had more snow yesterday so we have about 10" on the ground now. The snowmobilers and skiers are the only ones happy.
I know what you mean about the silent moments. I kind of hate talking about everything we are doing just because I know my son is wishing he could be there too. We spend most of our time second guessing how much time he will get.
At this time of year, I'm sure four months seems like a long time.
It sure doesn't help to have men problems along with everything else though. My DH (used lightly) chewed me out because the car broke down this morning - like I planned it. Men....
Hang in there, you sound like a pretty stong lady.
Janet

Hello all Moms
I just got out of bed- I think I have the flu. Anyway, I hope everyone is well.
We had about 6 inches of snow here in MI. I still have not gotten a response for visitation- I will call on the 18th again, since that is when the whoever I talked to told me to call again- since that will be 30 days. I miss Kacy so much, as I know everyone misses their children. I just wish it was easier to see her as it was in the Regional Jail.
West Virginia was the third worst system to be in in the country- that doesn't give me a very cozy feeling either.
Wanted to shop today for Christmas- my husband is gone doing the shopping- I don't really care I am not feeling well.

See everyone soon(I think Im sick because of the holidays)
HELP
bev

Hi everyone
Hope you ladies are all well.As for me I'm getting by.
Janet,
I guess it is our turn for the snow,It started during the night last night and has not stoped since.There is about 3to4 inches on the ground now and is still comung down.I guess I did say I'd rather have snow than real cold weather haha.
The only bad thing is that I have to get out in it and go to the store.Well thats my weather report from Kansas haha. Hope everyone has a good weekend or whats left of it.God Bless you all and peace be with you and yours.
Linda L

Hello to Everyone-
Guess WHAT! Kacy just called and my husband and I have been approved for visitation!!!!!!! I am jumping up and down for joy!! When my husband gets home WE ARE PLANNING A ROAD TRIP!!! My boss is just going to have to give me time off- or I'll take a week off.
I hope everyone is as well as can be expected.
Barbara- how is your dad? Please let us know.

Until later-
Excited Bev!

Oh, Bev that's wonderful! What a nice Christmas present. I bet Kacy is just as excited.
We are having a heatwave here, it's 20 degrees. If it stays this cold it is going to be a really long winter I'm afraid.
Hope everyone has a nice week.
Janet

Bev, that's a great Christmas present!
I am smiling for you cuz I can picture you jumping up and down. Tell Kacy Merry Christmas for me and tell her to stay strong.
Merry Christmas!!!

Peace,
Kim

Hi moms

Bev.... that is great news about getting to visit Kacy. I was jumping up and down with you (lol) See there is a Santa Claus.
Update on dad:
I went to see him this last weekend and he looks pretty good. He has a doctors appointment on Tuesday to see if he will have to have surgery. I can't remember what I wrote to you about him but they discharged him last Thursday night from the hospital because insurance wouldn't pay for him to be in the hospital any longer. So they sent him home with this drain bag hooked up to him. Anyway he will know tomorrow if they will do surgery or not. Its a shame that the insurance companies control everything. Thanks for asking. I'll try to be better in keeping you updated.

As for everything else....I saw my son Donald on Friday. He is doing great. Doesn't that sound weird to hear from me?! who can be great in jail but I tell you, he is compared to where he was (on the streets) prior to his arrest. He even tells me he's great and feels so much better now that he is on his meds and off the drugs. I hate those darn drugs. :-(
I went ahead and put up a tree even though my heart wasn't in it. I did Christmas cards also. I had to push myself into doing it though. I was so much into the hoildays prior to Don's arrest but not so much now. This is the 2nd Christmas without him at home. I mailed him a bunch of Christmas songs with all the words and told him that he should get the other guys to sing them and start a choir. Yeah right mom...ha ha

Oh yeah I sent him that "Twas the night before Christmas in Prison" and they let him have it so he read it to everyone. Even the guards were laughing. Did anyone else send it?
Well ladies I know its hard right now but we need to stick together and we will be alright. Merry Christmas
Barbara

Hi Moms-
Thank you for all your support- and seeing me jump and down a thousand time because we were approved for visitation. I took Darla and Kim's thanks for thea adviceabout calling for visitationI think that got the ball rolling! I am so happy!!
Barbara- I know how tough it is for the insurance company to rule your fathers life- talk to the doctor to extend his stay at the hosital- I worked at a hospital for 2 years and had the families call their doctor for non early releases- they were approved- as long as it came from the doctor- the insuranse covered it. If he needs medical care, take him right back to the hospital- hopefully you have a practicing medical center where you live. I had my dad taken to UM in Michigan-thats where I live. He was treated for over 3 months and we called him the 7 million dollar man. His insurance covered everything except a co-pays. Get the doctor to keep him in the hospital if you are worried- like I was.
I am happy you got to see Donald- I bet you wanted to bring him home with you- good for you- I hope to see Kacy soon.
Kim- thank you- I know you miss your son too, and I am trying to stay strong and I hope you are too. I say prayers for Skylar (I love his name)every night- I know how much you miss him- I miss Kacy everyday too. Thanks Kim.
Janet- thank you for the words of encoruagement(sp)I think I really need it now too- I hope your week will be a beautiful week. (Sometimes I want to imagine 10 years ago when everything was fine- I want that back)
Love,
BEV

Bev
I know what you mean about "imagining 10 years ago when everything was fine." Some times I just sit in thought and remember the good times before the drugs. Sometimes it makes me sad but I always end up having a smile on my face. I miss my little boy , I miss the man I know he can (could) be.
So when do you leave to see Kacy?
What a great gift!
Barbara

Dawn
we miss you are you all right?
Please write soon
Barbara

Hi everyone :)
Thought I would post as I havent for awhile. Things are ok here, I have some of the Holiday Blues but guess that is to be expected.
Bev I am so glad to hear you are approved for visitation, and Barbara glad your dad is doing some better :)
Janet, I am glad I am not in your state " burrr " to cold for me "LOL" I think it stinks when it gets in the 40's here at night in AZ :)
I havent heard from my son since last week, he was supposed to call last night and never did so of course I am worried as usual. It's probably nothing but you know how us moms are :)
I am supposed to go see him on Saturday, so I hope he hasnt gotten into any trouble or anything. He hasnt so far but hey prison is prison and one never knows what can happen in there do they?
Glad to hear everyone is doing pretty good. God Bless you all and take care.
Darla

Hi Ladies
I am so happy right now I can almost scream.I get to go see my son on saturday! After 5 months I finally get to see him.I guess it's going to be a good christmas after all.He does'nt know we are coming so he will be sooo suprised.He was suppose to call me tomarrow but my phone got turned off yesterday.He will be sad that the call doesnt go through but will be o.k. once he see's us on saturday.God is so good as he knows I'm going through so much with this man and my other kids that he made it possible for me to go see my son for christmas.Thank you Lord.
Bev I'm so happy for you too. give your daughter my regards and that I pray for you and her.Janet
we had alot of snow too.It is sunny today and the snow is glisening.
Barb so thankfull to hear your father is better, I will continue to keep him in my prayers.
All you ladies have a blessed day.I will post more later.
God bless you and yours
Peace
Linda L

Hi ladies,
Linda I'm so glad you get to see your son Saturday. We got to surprise my son when we visited him. It will give your son such a lift! Hopefully, things will get better with your other kids and your man soon.
I guess what they say about the season is true. If you have enough faith wishes do come true. Linda gets to see her son, Bev gets to see her daughter, and Darla gets to see her son too. I'm sure my son will call Sunday and hopefully Kim and everyone else will see a wish fulfilled.
I'll be off work for the rest of the week so away from my computer. My mother is coming for Christmas and my hubby would just have a fit if he had to entertain her while I work (he doesn't really like her much). But, I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. I know it's not going to be the same without all our loved ones home but I plan on counting my blessings: My son may not be with us but, I will know where he is, he's not selling/doing drugs, and I think he is beginning to see the error of his ways. My grandma always told me "out of everything bad comes something good - sometimes you just have to look REALLY hard."
Well, I've rambled on long enough. Here is wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!
May God bless you and yours, especially during this time of year.
Janet

Hello to everyone,
I am new to this group.I have a son (21) who is being tried for 1st degree attempted murder with 20-25 years.He is holding off for a trial in hope of better sentencing.He is 2 states away from us.This is really hard.My family doesn't ask about him cause they don't know what to say.I'm starting to feel like this is worse than death.My son is excepting what he did but thinks the 20-25 years is a bit harsh.What do some of you think? Thank you.Tina

Welcome to the group Tina
As you may have read, we all have different stories but do have one thing in common,our kids are in prison, and we all share the same hurt.As far as the time he my be facing, I believe it depends on the state he is.Some states are tougher than others.I will include you and your son in my prayers.Try to keep your head up even though you feel like falling.God does'nt give us more than we can handle.Keep us in touch,as you are a sister now(smile)
May peace be with you.
LindaL

Welcome Linda,
I sure do know what you are going through. My son was 20 when he was arrested for murder. It's real hard Linda and you have a ways to go. It took over 2 years for my son to go to trial and sat in county jail all that time, and all that time I went through so much emotionally. I really thought it was going to kill me. Last April he was convicted and then sentanced I think about 2 months later and then it took them over 2 months to send him off to reception. He just was sent to state prison less than 2 weeks ago. So it has taken almost 3 years from beginning to end.
No one asks about my son, no one writes to him or anything. I am learning to live with it.
If you read all my posts starting Jan. 30, 2004 you will know some of what I went through. I want to tell you this site I think saved me, if it wasn't for the other ladies here that held me up I don't know what I would have done because no one comes close to understanding what we prison moms go through. So welcome to the site and so sorry we have to meet like this. Keep posting.

Peace,
Kim

I'm sorry Tina! I typed in Lindas name instead of yours. SORRY

Kim

Welcome to you Tina, glad you could join us but so sorry to hear your bad news. This is a real tuff thing for all of us and the holidays seem to make it even worse but somehow we will all get by.
My son is also 21, he turned 21 in prison. He is only doing 8 years but that seems like a lifetime to me. I dont know what to tell you about your son, that does sound like alot of time but yes I have heard that is the pretty normal sentence for attempted murder. Alot depends on the state your in and the laws they have. Here in AZ they have what they call manditory sentencing guidelines and that really sucks because unless the prosecutor will offer you a plea you are stuck with it if you go to trial and lose. Check with your lawyer and the laws in your state.
Anything any of us can help you with we will,and if we cant help we are always here for moral support :)
Again Welcome and hope you keep coming back to chat with us :)
Darla

Gosh Janet, somehow I missed your post when you told us you got to see your son!!!!! That is great news and so glad for you. I scrolled back and found it and really dont know how i missed it "LOL" I guess I am brain dead these days:) Anyways I wanted to tell you a be-lated happy happy happy for you :):):) You sound like you are doing so much better with this lately and your spirits seem high ( good for you ) I think your mom is right in what she said about good coming out of bad, I hope and pray in my sons case that in the long run this turns out real good and he has a better life when given the chance again.
I hope all of our sons and daughters get a second chance :)
Darla

Welcome Tina
I am another mother whose sons been in jail 2 years waiting trial. We have a trial date of May 2006.
My son also is accused of 1st degree murder of his friend . I have posted alot also so the story of my son can be seen in a few posts back.
You will have to be patient and strong for your son. Just about when you think you can't make it another day you will need to learn to turn to us and write. It really does help. As far as family and friends......I think we all know the feeling of silence and the lack of support.This also will make you stronger for your son.
You said attempted murder....20 to 25 years seems stiff if the person didn't die. What state are you in?
Be strong Tina and we're here if you need to talk.
Barbara

Merry Christmas ladies.
I had a small get together tonight and invited my brothers and sister and their families.. I wasn't in the mood but my son told me too. Guess what....Donald called while everyone was here and he talked to everyone. No one has talked to him since he's been in jail (2 years) I believe this was the greatest present to me and my son,perhaps this is the turning point.
I will be working at the hospital Christmas day.
When I went to see my son today he told me that the jail gave every inmate $10.00 on the books for Christmas. Whow that surprised me.
Talk to you later
Barbara