My Husband is in Prison, he is far away...I have not seen him since the day of his arrest...We write, but his letters are spurratic...Sometimes loving, sometimes anger....I miss him and "us"...But he did a terrible thing....I find it hard to get up and face each day...I need your support...
Julie

my husband in prison i see him 1 time a week and it getting hard on me with gas and car repair plus the not knowing kill us to of the date he will be free.

I'm a graduate student in Baltimore researching jailhouse romances and the realities facing women who form relationships with men who are incarcerated. Is there is anyone out there who would like to talk to me about their own experiences? Please let me know, my email is hshilling2001@yahoo.com

I am waiting for my husband to come home from prison too. I know the pain and lonliness all of you go through because I go through it myself. I have a website you can visit. It is:www.invisiblecell.homestead.com

My husband is in prison, and it takes everything I can think of to keep things going. Phone calls, letter writing, gas,car expense,packages, and the lonliness are all parts of a daily struggle. He is going before the board in August and we hope for his release. Visits at the table is really all we have for right now, and this also is wearing on both of us. Its been 5 years of a few moves, many new friends, another car, many breakdoewns and learning a whole new way to live for me. I love my husband more today than ever and am so happy as I see the support systems in place for the invisible prisoner. We really are a society set apart by our loved ones incarceration. My advice to any one going through this, is: don't do it alone, tap into help wherever you can, and stick by your man he needs you.

I also am waiting for my husban to come home. He will have been in prison for a year in May but it feels like a lifetime. Trying to keep our life together after a tornado came and blew away everything that was our life is so hard to take. We have 2 children and their pain is so hard for me to watch. I live in a surrealistic nightmare,a hard labor isolation chamber that none of our friends wanted to go to so they all walked away. I feel like a lost little girl but I still have to keep going everyday for my children and for my husband. I can understand your pain and lonliness and fear on a very intimate level. If any one wants to talk I'm always here and could use a friend.

i need all the prayers that are out there. my husband go's up to the board this month, and with god's blessing he will be home. thanks a loving wife.

My husband has been in the Texas prison for 11 months now and everything that everyone has said sounds like me. The stresses of hope that turns out to be disappointments, the anger of making it on your own and trying to keep your life as normal as possible for you child, and the sadness of missing your husbands touch, voice and presence. He is too far away for me to visit so I might get to see him once a month and that makes it harder. I fight myself from trying to make it without him because I want to live each day as if he is home but that is getting harder and I hate the reality setting in that he is not here and will not be until July 2002. The fear is the worst to deal with, not knowing the changes that will be happening before he gets home. I have pictures of him taped to everything in my house so that I see him in every room that I am in. I enlarged a picture of him and ironed it to his pillow case so when I go to sleep at night, I will feel him next to me. Crazy I guess but I love him so much and I refuse to let this system destroy what we have.

MY HUSBAND IS IN PRISON IN TEXAS ALSO BUT I GET TO SEE HIM EVERY SUNDAY. I AM NOT SURE IF THAT MAKES IT EASIER OR WORSE. EVERY SUNDAY IS THE SAME THING, I LEAVE THERE AND CRY ALL THE WAY HOME. I HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER "SEVERE" SO IT HAS BEEN REALLY HARD ON ME, I HAVE BASICALLY LOCKED MY SELF IN MY OWN PRISON OUT HERE IN THE WORLD. HE WILL E COMING UP FOR PAROLE AGAIN FEB 2002, WE ONLY NEED ONE MORE VOTE FOR HIM TO COME HOME... WE NEED ALL OF THE PRAYERS WE CAN GET. THANK YOU

My fiance just recieved a lay down letter. We have been going thru this nightmare for 3 years. He is 300 miles away yet i go once a week to see him. I love him very much and will wait for him until the end of time. But I have no one I can talk to. Everyone thinks I am crazy fro waiting and they don't understand.. I could use a few friends right now

Mikalanae and all,

I would like to talk with you, My fiance is also incarcerated, and we don't know what is going to happen yet. I feel so isolated from the world. My family hates him, His family hates me, our friends have deserted us and there are 3 small children at home. I have never felt so alone in my entire life, and I have been through alot of b.s. before, but this tops the cake...If anyone would like to talk, please email me at altonsgirl1024@gateway.net

I am looking for other women to talk with about their relationships with their husbands/boyfriends in prison. I hate feeling alone in this. I miss my boyfriend very much and it costs so much to keep in contact with him but he is the best friend i have ever had and it is so worth it. Go ahead and write me if you want to talk or ask questions or if you have any idea about how to find support in this situation.

My husband has spent 3 years in prison and has 10 more years to go. No one believes he is innocent. He is in prison because he owned a government regulated company that failed. Our home was search by 11 FBI armed men. Our family was harrassed and threaten. They iced witnesses that said he was innocent. They paid experts six figure income to create the truth as the prosecutor wanted the jury to see it. They threaten me, his children and every one in his company. I am frighten, angry and no one wants to hear it. I miss him and every time I visit him my heart breaks to see him there. We hope for his release and that the truth will surface but to no vail. The prosecutors wins 95% of all their cases, they have unlimited funds, complete immunity, of course, no boss - Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Then I see all those family visiting other prisoners and my heart breaks for them. How many have suffered the same. Does any one know of a support group for Prisoners of Love. If so please email me at junieO@adelphia.net

This to everyone standing by someone with nothing to hold. Like many of you I never dreamed that I would be married to someone serving a 7 year sentence! I thought that are biggest problem would be about money! Nobody can understand what we who visit this sight in hopes to find support go threw! I have worries of what my huband will do when released and so on...then I think it is in god's hands! I try to take this one day at a time..somedays are good others are not!
I have a hard time asking for help! I love my husband but for some reason I think there is something wrong with me! I would like someone to talk to you can e-mail me at TXBullgirl@aol.com

Im 23 years old, my fiance is currently serving a life sentence in a CA state prison.He's already served 10 years. I live very far away in, MN I go by plane to visit him every 2 or 3 months. We've been together for almost 2 years. My life has changed alot since I met him. Mostly for the good. The only down side is the never ending pain in my heart and the emotional breakdowns that I suffer quite often. Everyday is a struggle but, I love him with all my heart and he needs me so much.I have to be strong for him.We keep our strength through praying and believing.we've been working very hard so,that someday the truth will come out and everyone will learn what really happened.So far so good! I understand all of you out there. Hold on.

My husband gets out of the Texas Prison System this December after being incarcerated for 10 years. Please pray for us as we pass these next few months and he rejoins back into society.

Jentza, My prayers are with you. Ihope your new life together,will bring you both alot of happiness. Stay strong.
your friend, J

Hi Please visit my web page
http://hometown.aol.com/boogydown78/
read my story, my husband is also in prison.

My husband has been in prison 10 years come January. Our daughter was born two months after his incareration. She is 9 now and I have pretty much gone on with my life now... still love him but sometimes love is not enough. He comes up again in Oct. and hopefully will be on his way home. Our daughter really needs him. But how does it work. He is her Father, but really it will be like they are strangers Two hour visits are a lot different than life in the real world. How do you make this any easy transition for both. If anyone has any suggestions or would like to talk, I would appreciate it. Thanks

Karen:
My husband is getting out in December after being gone 10 years and our son that we had together is now 11.
My biggest fear is that my son will be disappointed because he has such plans for him and his Dad. His Dad has told him that when he gets out, they'll do this and that. And I hope that they do, but 10 years is a long time to be out of the free world and he may not adjust and things work out like my son wants.
I don't want to say it's not going to happen, I just am going to try to be there for my son if things don't work out and he gets hurt.
I think that's all you can do too. Be supportive and take one day at a time.
Good Luck, Jentza

Help.My husband was just sentenced and I have no idea what happens next.Is there someone out there who is in New York prison system? Let's help each other.Thanks so much.I feel for anyone who has to live this nightmare........

Hi to everyone out there I just went to read
all the messages. My heart aches & aches & is
broken for all of you.
The pain does not lessen. This is the hardest
trial I have ever been thru. I am English
raised in Australia. Do not have any family
here, no support. I married a man from Texas
we live in Hawaii. 8 years ago he was arrested
I never saw him. Left with a 1 & i/2 year old
& a 13yr old. I visited him here for 6 yrs.
He was moved to Tennessee, then Minnesota
now Oklahoma. I cannot keep up with all these
places.
I have not seen or had a visit in 3 years.
My daughter is now 21 & the other 10 they both
are angry at him, don't want to be bothered
with me. My family don't want me to stay with
him they are all against me & won't help me.
My husband has a 20 year sentence. I cry all
time, feel so so lonely.
Feel like giving up so much. I have noone now.
I love him, but I am struggling financially
out here, not working.
If I had a friend to encourage me or company
it would not be so bad. Is there anyone out
there who would talk, e-mail or pray with me
when the loneliness overwhelms?
I know love endures all things but not knowing
when he will get out is so hard.

Hello, my husband is encarcerated, and we have a 1 year old son. I go to school and work, I don't even know how I do it. But I am doing extremely good. I know the reason things are going so well for me and my family is my new relationship with the Lord. My husband and I have become even closer because of it. We send each other prayers and have good conversations over our thoughts and feelings about them. When my husband first left, I was depressed, didn't want to do anything, I seriously thought I was not make it without him. Now, I feel very content, and in high spirits, I have a lot to smile about. A good job, beautiful baby boy, a chance to continue my education, and a special man who loves me. I will always be thankful for my many blessings to the Lord.

It is so very hard to stand behind a man in prison.
You start out strong as you vow to keep the love alive. You make promises to write and visit and to put money on their books. And you do these things.
Then you start feeling those pains of being alone and being lonely. The letters are few and far between. Money becomes tight so you don't visit like you should and don't send money like he wants.
Weeks turn to months then to years. While life passes you by because you wait for your man to start your life. Before you know it, your 3, 5, 10 years older. Gray starts to appear in your hair and you notice wrinkles that have never been there before.
Can anyone share with me, where do you get the strength to keep holding on? How do you keep your faith strong? How do you make yourself believe it'll all be worth it. That he'll get out and do you right... That he'll get out and support you, wont cheat on you. He'll help with the kids and for once you can have a real family... Where do you find the strength to keep believing that he'll get out and do for you what you've been doing for him?
Where do you find the strength to let go because I feel like that's what I should be doing, letting go... but I think letting go maybe harder than hanging on!

My husband is in Blythe, California. He got a year for a violation and after being there for about 2 1/2 months, he is being sent back to county jail today, I guess he has to go to court now for something else, I'm not sure what it is. It can possibly be over a ticket he had that turned into a warrant, but I'm sure it has to be something worse, I'm worried because I think or (KNOW) they will probably give him more time. But since he will be coming back to Orange County, which is were I live, I will be able to see him. Maybe by this weekend. So I'm excited about that, anyway, I hope and pray everything turns out okay. He's a good man with a big heart, please say a little prayer for him. God Bless You...

My husband will be entering the California Prison System on September 7. He is still here and I am already very upset. He doesn't know what to expect and is also very upset. He will go from court to LA Men's Central then probably to Chino for processing. He has a three year sentence. He will have to serve 85% of that. I would love to hear from you. If you could let me know what to expect and what will happen I would really appreciate it. He is 61 years old and in poor health. I am very concerned about him being able to finish his sentence and come home again. Thank you, Jean

I am looking for assitance on how to deal with the Calif Dept of Corrections. My husband has just been moved to Corcoran from Chino Hills. We live in Orange County. I need help on how to work in the system to try to get him to a lower level and closer to home. My children are ages 5 and 2. My husband said it is too late to provide original paperwork to lower his points? He only had copies of our marriage license, our childrens birth certificates, his high school diploma and his honarble discharge from the army and the national guard. Are there certain people that should be contacted? written too? Where does someone on the outside go to get the information about how the system works? I tried reading Title 15 on the CDC website but I don't want to know how they operate! Just how it affects my husband and my family and how it all works.

After reading all of your messages, I guess my fiance has it pretty easy. He was sentenced for 6 months for a nonviolent crime. He has already been moved twice and still may be moved one more time. We are only about 30 miles apart but it is still hard with all of the finances. I love to talk to him but we all know what the cost of one of those phone calls is. It really adds up. We have a 3 1/2 yr old together and she is having a hard time with this to. I feel for all of you and will add you and your husbands/fiances/boyfriends to my thoughts and prayers. Good Luck! We will all make it through this! Feel free to email me at any time. I will try my best to be there for each and every one of you! God Bless! billyandheather@hotmail.com

Hello, My fiance is in a Wyoming State Prison and has been there for 2 years of the 5 we've been together.I just ran across this site tonight while researching on some things for him. All of us are reching ou for support but most of all I think just someone to listen to us. I've made some good friends off some support sites, but still I'm lonely at times.We nevr had children together so I can't imagine the pain those of you have explaining where daddy is and trying to make them understand why. I've battled the phone companies been blocked but I haven't once given no matter whatwall is put up, its not easy and I wished one day I could wake up without having to fight a everyday life battle. But wat keeps me going is I sit and thnk he's lonely too and fighting a battle each day he wakes too.He calls me every Sunday morning and we discuss our next weeks plans and he never fails to make me laugh before we hang up and it makes last weeks promblems so minor. I thank God for my love an strenght to hang on to the man of my life. I know someday we will once again be able to look across that table andwork out next weeks plans.I guess what I'm saying is if you Loved them before you can still love them now. We all have questions of why, som of us might get a answer but than again i there a answer to why. I don't kno a whole lot but I'm here if you need a shoulderto cry on or somone to just vent on.Feel free to e-mail me any time. A friend who cares.

My heart goes out to each and every person here because I truly know how you feel. My husband was sentenced yesterday to 8 to 22 years on two unarmed robbery charges. His lawyer promised no more than five years if he accepted the plea bargain of the two unarmed robbery charges. Originally he was charged with armed robbery even though he did not have a weapon of any kind. I just love him so much and I never knew anything would hurt this much. I can barely breath right now without crying even when our five year old daughter tells me not to cry. I am really trying but it is so hard and I'm just glad that there are really people out there who can understand because people who have not been through this just can't understand. People tell me to go on with my life but he's my husband and I love him and I'm going to wait as long as it takes. I'm not going to give up on him. If anyone wants to talk I could use a friend.
Susan

Susan:

I know how you feel. My boyfriend of 2 years was sentenced to 5 years last March to a Federal Prison. It's very difficult for me too. I know how you feel about people telling you to get on with your life. I cry all the time too. Please email me if you want to talk.

Hello, everyone, I guess we all hear it, all the time, huh? People telling us to move on, yet, they can't even imagine what something like this is like. Friends have asked me many times why I wait, "he'll just end up back in there again," they say. First of all, he's the man of my life; I love him and want no other. Second, I know him and believe in him. I believe him when he tells me that he wants to do right by my side and be there for our 1 year old son. He has a good heart. We're both young and I guess it took him going to jail and being away from his new baby boy to finally realize that he has to be responsible and grow up, if not for himself than for his family. My husband comes home in March 2002, we are half way there and I await patiently for his arrival. No one can understand that. But that's okay, because I am happy with him and his love. No matter what people may say, they can't change what's in our hearts. I just let the negative stuff roll of my shoulders and thank God for my many blessings. God bless you all and good luck! Hang in there.

As I wait for my husbands release date to get here, time passes by so slowly. It's as if time is almost at a stand-still and I can hear ever tick-tock of the clock.
All I want is my family to be back together. I know that my husband broke the law, but our justice system is so screwed that the sentence does not always fit the crime.
Sometimes I get so depressed that I have to ask myself "What's it all for?" And the answer I come up with is always the same.
It's for my family. Me, my children, my husband, our future. And I have to remind myself that as hard as this time has been for me and my children, it is nothing to what this time has been like for my husband.

My husband just went to prison. He is in Jackson in Michigan for quarentine or whatever it is until they decide where to send him. I was just wondering if anyone knows how long it takes before they can call. I need to hear his voice so bad right now. I just want to know that he is okay. I never knew that anything could hurt so much and I know that I have to be strong but sometimes it is so hard. Anyone who has been through this part of it I would so appreciate any information you have. As always my prayers are with you all and your loved ones.
Love,
Susan

A very man that holds an exteemly special place in my heart and life was sentanced to 28yrs.-Life for a crime he didn't do, at the age of 16. I use to visit him regularly until he went up state, it's now been a little over 2years since we've seen been able to or hear each other. He went in Nov.'97 and everyday i miss him more. What I'm looking for at this point is ANYONE that could possibly help me in anyway. He is currantly at California State Prison Sacramento, mind you I'm in Southern Orange County. I was looking into appeal options but lawyers sre very expensive and there is never a garentee on an out come.
If ANYONE could help me or even if (heaven forbid) you can relate please contact me whenever you'd like at brat1oc@hotmail.com

I met my husband while I was working in a private prison facility. He was sentenced to 18 years for burglary and 8 years for assisting a criminal. He is now back in an Indiana Department of Corrections facility. We have been together three and a half years and have been married 6 months. His release date is August 2004 unless he gets some more time cuts for programs completed. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to face in my life. William is a beautiful man and has such a personal relationship with God. He is my calm and has helped me through so much. I have so many days that I feel like I can't make it anymore. I see him for one hour every Saturday, we talk on the phone regulary and we write. How come it isn't enough? I cry alot!!
I would like much support and need encouragement.
God Bless!

Hi everyone. I am hoping this message board is going to offer the support I have been seeking. My boyfriend of 2 months was taken away to be incarcerated after a tiff with his sister. He is serving 270 days on charges from several years ago for driving violations. The issue with his sister was dropped, but the old time remains.

I don't so much have a problem with him, and/or his situation, as I feel he made his bed and must now lie in it. Sadly enough, I am feeling sorry for myself, and then feel guilty because of that, among other things. Is anyone else in this boat with me? The frustration and anguish I feel over my own guilt is enough to make me crazy!

I tried writing out our story, but it seems somewhat trivial compared to some I have read here. I am sure, though, the feelings are there for all of us, throughout the whole spectrum of situations.

I love him, write, visit, accept the phone calls and put money on his books... but still I am alone, broke, lonely and unsure. And afraid... of the present and the future. Of course I could go on and on. If anyone can relate, please feel free to contact me. Thank you.

My husband was sentenced to 4 years on Aug. 10, 2001. I am so thankful for this site. Just knowing that there are so many families suffering because someone made a really bad decision makes my heart ache. It would be real easy for me to say thats it, last time and turn and walk away. But when we said our vows to each other it was for better or for WORSE, personally I pray it doesn't get any worse. God works in mysterious ways. Everything happens for a reason. My husband is an alcoholic. We've seen some really bad times but I just have to put my faith in the Lord and let go and let God. I love my husband and will stand beside him and pray he will be home soon. Thanks for the shoulders...mine are pretty well loaded down at this point in time.
God bless you all. Be strong!

My husband was sentenced to 4 yrs min. last year. I thought this time would get easier but I have discovered it doesn't. It is very hard to handle this on your own without support of friends. My husband is not recieving proper medical care and I have become etremely worried. I am greatful I found this web site. My heart is breaking, I wish this time would pass quicker. If they don't get the paper work straightened out he will be serving 7 years. God Bless You All.

wendy I under stand what you are going through. my boyfriend of five years off and on is now in Prison where he is serving 120 days this is not the first time but I hope it will be the last time. I guess I just wanted to write and say hi you can email me if you want at anaaleigh@aol.com

KIm

This is my first visit to this site. I have read thoughts that range from fear and despair to a positive reality of homecoming. My husband served 2 1/2 years of a 25 year sentence here in Texas and was out on parole. I never expected that 9 years later after our lives were really going in a positive direction that a technical parole violation could result in incarceration and loss of 9 years of good time. Since March 2000 I have kept my commitment to him by being faithful, loyal, responsible for my life and our 11 year old daughter's welfare, and realizing that our 13 year marriage is worth any obstacle that the State of Texas can put in front of us. We have a big God,a love for each other and commitment to our marriage. Those vows we took almost 14 years ago are more than just words or the feeling of love. It is about commitment and I agree that any hardships I am having out here is nothing compared to the loss of freedom that he is experiencing. Keep your spirits up. We are never given more than we can handle. I encourage any of you to email me if you would like to visit. MsDalton5@aol.com Take care, Cheryl D.

My husband was sentenced in a federal prison in 1998 to 10 yrs his release date is 2006 we hope with our motions we had just sent in it will lesson the time more but so far Im strong and waiting I have been visiting for 4 years it feels like a rutine now but I still have my hard days where I want to break down.If any one wants to chat please email i have the time :)to talk and I know what you are all going through its worse then a death. Im so sick of this I cant wait untill he comes home its such a big waist of time to much time for a first time offender.

Good Morning all! I guess it's a good day today. I get to see him on Sunday morning! I hope it goes well... I know it will. He'll come out and practically jump for joy like last time. It's still phone visits but.. soon I'll get to hold him again. He'll smile, We'll laugh and cry. His Hazel eyes will turn green with sincerity. We'll talk about how when he comes out we'll renew our vows. I'm soo glad I get to see him soon, It's been a lonely month. Once a month is all I can manage right now. I wish I could see him every week. I liked it better when he was still in County. 3 times a week for 2 hours (he was working in the kitchen). I could cope with that. It's too hard to do this... No phone calls because of my work and school schedule, Seeing him only once a month. In our entire 3 years of being together... we've NEVER been apart. Now because of a stupid err in judgement, we are forced to be apart for at least 1 year. I'll get to be with him totally at least by Next October 20th. 13 months away. Today, he's been in there for 3 months. A very very long 3 months.... It's going to be the hardest year of my life. BUT...WE ARE GOING TO MAKE IT!
ALL OF US ARE. LADIES JUST KEEP HOPE ALIVE AND REMEMBER THE LOVE. As my husband used to say while we were dating..."No matter what happens, remember we love eachother and everyhting will work itself out right."
Kim & Bobby Dukes

Hope everyone had good visits with their husbands, I did. hello again all. bobby is doing great! He got downgraded to a "1" classification. Which means he'll be in "E" yard. "E" yard is minumum security, not much of a fence, no barbed wires, and no glass visits!!! I'll get to touch him after 3 months of not being able to(it's been very rough for me). His parents still refuse to see him, I wish I could explain to them how much Bobby needs them to hear in person what he has to say.... He told me that there is a slim possiblity that he'll be out in July!.... That would be awesome... I'm not banking on it though... I still say 2years... but He tells me that he will keep ALL good time and maybe even get half time. So he says no later than Oct.20th of next year. It seems to me a very screwed up system when a Man can prove that he is a great asset to society, then fall for 2 MONTHS... and they throw him away for 2 years! That is the crime! Our country should not lock away the addicts... we should treat them for their problems, teach them how to cope and help them if they start to fall again. Not lock them up and throw away the key!!
Anyways I had a great visit.
Let's hear it for the Faithful Family Members and Wives that stick by their loved one through the rough patches.... I "think" I admire you women that stick through this for like 10 or more years...I know I couldn't wait that long. At least I don't think I'd be able to.
GOD BLESS ALL OF US GOING THROUGH THIS, GOD BLESS OUR HUSBANDS MAY THEY STAY SAFE WHEN NOT AROUND US AND MAY THEY COME OUT A BETTER MAN, AND GOD BLESS THIS NATION IN OUR TERRIBLE HOUR.
KIM & BOBBY(IN SPIRIT)DUKES

Ijust wanted to say hi to everyone. my husband was sentenced to 6 years in jail about 1 year ago he went up for parole and got deffered 15 months he is going to the SAP program if anyone has heard of it we are having a very tough time its me and my 5 year old daghter i need some kind of support i have him to talk to but i need a females opinion and advice thank you all have a great night

Hello again ladies! He did get half-time. My LOVE, My LIFE will be HOME on July 15th 2002!!!!
:-) yea!!!! Just thought I'd tell some good news.
So he was given 5 years, he plea bargained down to 2years with possible half time. He'll end up serving 12months 25days!!!
Still way to long for hitting a stumbling block in his recovery, but at least he'll be in my arms soon!

Kim
Keep the faith Ladies!

I just found this site and I am comforted to know there are others out there. I just recently lost my loved one to the state of Michigan. I have no idea what to expect, when he will be out or anything of the nature. I would love to hear from any of you that have a loved one imprioned in Michigan or anywhere for that matter. But beware....I have a million questions, especially for anyone who has someone here also. It's hard getting up to face each day, knowing it will be one without him or his voice. I don't even know where he will be or when I can see him. If any one has knowledge or support..it would be WELCOMED.

Has anyone ever writen the parole board on an inmates behalf? My best friend has ask me to do this and I am having a hard time figuring out what I should say in the letter. This is his third time up for parole in 18 months.
Thank you in advance!!

Anyone from Scandinavia or Europe here?

I'd like to get in contact with women who like me have a love one in a US prison (my love is in Texas)
Agneta
Denmark

Is there ANYONE posting here who met their husband/boyfriend while he was in prison, and did not know him before? I would like to know if this is rare, as I have met someone this way and have some questions for those who have done the same.

To Pauline,
I have. if you like send me an email.

I am encouraged and also saddened to find this community. I have been married for three years. My husband, Juan, is serving an 18 year sentence for manslaughter. Juan defended himself and took the life of a mugger. This mugger had robbed four other people that day and was high on PCP, but because of a prior record Juan was charged and convicted. The first couple years we did ok. We got to visit 3 or 4 times a weeks and once in awhile we got a family visiting where we got to be together for 3 days in living quarters at the facility. Then last year he was moved to Corcoran, one of the worst prisons in California. Since the move, I made the 4 and 1/2 hour journey to visit twice. The stress and the environment was too much. We started having problems that we couldn't resolve. It almost broke us completely down. We haven't spoken for 6 months and the last letter was our divorce papers. I never filed for a divorce and have been praying so hard. Now my Juan has written and it sounds like finally things might be turning around for him. He is out of the 'mix'. He stays out of the yard, because he is segregated now. Soon he will be moving close to home. Best of all, Juan has started reading a Bible and wants to get on the right track for his life. I am so hopeful! Whatever happens in our future, I know God is with us. Keep us in your prayers that we will find our union again and continue to grow in God's love and mercy.

I truly hope things go good for you. I pray and hope Juan listens to his heart had to God.

I have a question for you though.
You said you had family Visit...what are the rules for family visits in CA? Iam about the finalise our first one, and I wanted to know some of the rules and REgulations. Ok, I know that it'll be a given to have audio monitoring...do you know if they have video monitoring as well? I mean do they like have there own little private peep show going on for the warden? :-)
I've never been in this type of situation before, so I'm sort of naive. Umm, what can I bring? Like MY shampoo, deodorant, toothbrush, personal stuff. Can I bring lingerie? Can I bring bubble bath or something? I haven't been able to get in touch with the Family Visiting Sergeant, or I'd ask him.

Kim:
There is absolutely NO audio or video montioring in the family visiting units. THAT IS ILLEGAL. It is a good idea to contact the family visiting coordinator, usually they are kind and considerate as possible. Ask for an approved list of items. I bring all sorts of personal hygiene items. All items must be clear (or see through with a flash light). I fill up clear cosmetic bottles (or baby bottles). I usually load up on body washes (there is no tub for bubblebaths), body scrubber/sponges, shampoo, conditioner, CLEAR deodorant, hair gel, body lotion, body oils, mouthwash, facial cleansers, moisturizers, feminine douche. I also bring combs, brushes (without padding), hair clips, (2) toothbrushes with toothbrush covers (he will appreciate that). He will have to bring the toothpaste. I also bring several changes of comfortable clothes, including some for him. I bring a a few pair of nice underwear (3 for me and 3 for him), and I bring tennies for me and house shoes for both of us. If an officer asks: ALL the clothes are yours (for your use)even though we all know better, you have to say that so they can cover their butts. When your husband goes out in the yard for count (several times each day) he MUST be in his prison uniform, if they catch him wearing civilian clothes he could be charged with an escape attempt. Other items I bring are giant bath towels, hand towels, and wash cloths. I bring sheets and blankets for the bed also. Each instituion may be different and you may be limited to a certain number of bags. Also, the kind of bag you use is important. I strongly suggest you get the family visiting rules from the institution and speak with the family visiting coordinator. Good Luck and God Bless you and your family. Have a wonderful visit.

Is anyone else dealing with an indefinite sentence? I think knowing how many years my hubby will have to serve, even if it's going to a long time, would be easier than being in limbo.

Hi Donna,
My fiance has life + 30 yrs. It is awful not knowing if he will ever get out. His appeal was just turned down again on Monday. Merry Christmas, right? :( It's very hard on us.
By the way, I tried to register in the delphi forum and couldn't. It just wouldn't let me register. I really wanted to check it out.

Hi ~B~, My God! Life plus 30 years?! That’s incredible! He must have had a real “hanging judge.” I don’t know what to say that might make you feel better. Has he exhausted all his appeals?

Not yet. We will fight all the way! He IS INNOCENT!

Hi ~B~, You need a good lawyer!

~B~.....
Have you heard of Pre-Paid Legal? You know of medical insurance, life insurance, dental insurance...this is so coolcuz it's LEGAL INSURANCE. for about $26 a month ($36 to start) you get TOP LEGAL COVERAGE! For californians the law firm is PARKER STANDBURY... and the best thing is that you are their biggest client! the big shot law firm gets about a million dollar retainer to put Pre-Paid Legal customers first! I wouldn't normally tell people this, I hate solicitors! But I love the service so much and it really sounds like you could use them. Check them out at prepaidlegal.com
I hope you can prove his innocence!
God Bless everyone. 3 days till I get to be with Bobby for 3days!!!! I'm so excited I'm about to jump out of my skin.

Thanks for the info Kim, I appriciate it. He has an attorney working on his appeal now. Thank God they didnt give him the death penalty because thats what they tried to give him. THANK GOD!

I'm glad I could help in some small way. I really hope every thing goes wellwith you guys. I can't write that much because NETZERO only gives 10 hours free internet now so, I'll only be on a few times a month. Just know that I'm praying for all of us and our men. Keep the faith ladies and stay positive.

Hi Kim, I'm doing my best to stay positive. I'm glad the holidays are behind me. It's so depressing to hear Christmas music and see the happy people wandering around shpooing and going to parties. Being married to a guy on the inside is like living behind a glass wall. You see all the good things but you can't have any of them.

hi,

Is anyone here from nyc?

Juan's last letter was to say Happy Anniversary (our 3rd), Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year.

Oh AND "How can he come home to me if I am not treating him 'proper'?"..."and send a $100.00 right away or we should just get the divorce..."

So this is it, at least MY sentence is over. A majority of marriages with a partner who is incarcerated end in divorce. I hope you will beat the odds! Ladies ~ be strong, keep your relationships on track, but above all be TRUE to yourself!

Peace...

Hi Karen, I'm sorry things worked out poorly for you. The failure rate you cited is pretty dismal. On the other hand, more than half of all marriages end in divorce. A relationship is hard to keep going unless both partners give at least 110% every day. I keep strong by reminding myself of what a good relationship we had while we were together. That, plus the fact that he can't cheat on me no matter what! (Not that he ever did...) We're still madly in love despite everything.

Love,
Donna

My husband on December 20, 2001 was sentences to 97 months. The holidays were very hard especially on both my kids. I have been married for 15 years and I am faced with the reality that my husband will not be around on our daily life. Right now I don't even know how I feel. I have alot of mixed emotions, saddness, angre, lonelyness, denial and numbness. I am scared how who he or myself will become in the next 5 years. I think alot about our relationship, will it survive? I love him dearly and I plan to stand by him. I quess I really don't even know what to feel. I would love to talk to anyone that is going through this and how they cope with this loss.

My heart goes out to everyone here. My fiance has been in jail for 4 months waiting for his sentencing-up to 35 years federal. It is so hard being away from him and not knowing what to expect. My family doesnt like him because hes a "criminal" My friends are disappearing because they think Im crazy for waiting for him. His family really hasnt ever been there for him, Im a single mother and feel so alone. Should I marry him now while hes close? Will that make things better for us while hes in prison, or will I regret it later?I love him so much , I dont know what to do. It would be nice to hear suggestions from anyone who has gone thru this or talk to anyone who can relate. Also, does anyone know about phone or visitaton rules in a federal medium security prison?? Thanks and god bless.

hey guys...today sucks!!! 2 days ago, I finally got his 401k plan $ from his old job. It took me 3 months of red-tape and calling the owner and his wife. Today I tried cashing the check. Since they did not listen to Bobby or me and write the check out to me, no bank will take it. Bobby endorsed it and everything. Not even the bank that the check is drawn from will take it. I have $200 in bills to pay, and I was going to send the rest to him for supplies, since I could no send any money for the past two months. I was so happy that the check came and it was $100 more than I thought it be, I treated me friends to pizza. Now I still won't be abe to pay bills, even if I hadn't treated them. The company's accountant said that he could not make the check out to me, he had Bobby's written request, that's all anybody else needed. I gotta go now and call the owner and his wife again. wish me luck!
kim

Hi AOC, You and your kids have a tough time ahead of you but you can make it. You've been married for 15 years. A relationship that long lasting ought to be strong enough to endure the separation. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to understand your own emotions. It's an emotional roller coaster for a while until things settle into a routine. You mentioned feeling loneliness, denial and numbness. Don't be ashamed to admit to yourself that you're angry, too. That’s natural. You can be furious at someone and still love him! Don't try to tough it out alone. Confide in a trusted friend or relative and let her help you carry the load when it becomes overwhelming. Visit as often as you can and try to write little every day, even if it's only a few lines or a cute or funny card. Mail means so much inside! Most important, take good care of yourself! Eat well, exercise, go out when you can and stay attractive. He’ll need you to be healthy and happy and you need to keep your spirits up for all of you!

Stay strong and keep visiting here.

Love,
Donna

Hi Sarah, You both must be on pins and needles waiting to find out what they give him! When will you know? You’ll probably find that your family won’t come around. Avoid confrontations and don’t discuss him with them. A lot of your friends are going to walk. Find new ones who are willing to understand your problems. I’d hold off getting married if I were you. Wait until you know what you’re dealing with. Once you know how long he’ll be away and you’ve both had time to acclimate to the situation, reconsider marriage if it makes sense. You have plenty of time to marry him. Don’t rush things. The Federal Bureau of Prisons probably has a web site with some of the information you’re looking for on phone and visitation rules. Everyone here understands what you’re going through! Lean on us.

Love,
Donna

Hi Kim, Don't you just hate paper shufflers and bean counters!? I'm surprised the bank wouldn't accept the check as "deposit only to [your] account." They usually put a short hold on checks like that but they free up the funds after the waiting period ends. Hope they get it resolved soon.

Love,
Donna

I had to get the Foreman here in town to write me a personal check. Apparently the accountant screwed up when writing the check and even if Bobby were here to cash it, they wouldn't have. He wrote the check...there was no tying on it like he was supposed to do. And the date, he altered. So it looked like a fake check. I parked my butt down in the office in town and refused to move till i got the money. It worked cux after an hour and a half the owners wife called the office and told Troy to write me a personal check and they'd figure it all out later.
BILLS ARE PAID, at least for this month. School books are bought, and Bobby gets $50. I can;t afford $100 anymore. First Quarter Care packages are due soon, and he needs a lot of anit-bacterial soap and things of that sort. Apparently there are some outbreaks of mumps or chicken pocks... some thing, in ,main population. Lucky for us he's on the outside...minumum security. It'll take longer for the crap to hit his dorms. He'll know soon if he got endursed for Work Furlough, and I should know soon if he can have that job waiting for him. $10 is a lot better than 13 cents an hour! If not, he may go to work on the new walls being built inside the prison. that's like 80 cents and hour or something. Either way he'll be home July 15.
God bless all of you ladies and children, as well as our men. May God hold them in his heart and cradle their minds and hearts.

Hi Kim, Thank goodness they finally fixed the problem! I wonder if they run their business as poorly as they handled that transaction! I hope he gets the work release job but no matter what, there aren’t many days between now and July 15. You're so lucky! I finally got the damned letter. They're suspending conjugals beginning February 2 for facility work. I'd rather they left it a dump and let us use it.

Love,
Donna

That sucks!!!! But they truly don't care anyway. And YES XL cable does run their business as crappy as they did the check. Except when Chris, the owner, is in town then everything is impecable...unfortunatly they have job sites in Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, and now California. So Chris can't be everywhere. He puts friends and family up in high positions, and I'm sure later regrets most of them, but still does it? Anyways, Bobby and I always hated the company but love the work. I was always, and still am, so proud of what he does. Being a Lineman is hard, dangerous work...not as dangerous as being a Power Lineman, but he did get shocked 12 times here in redding.
Yeah, it's about 180ish days til normalcy, at least mostly normal. I hope he gets work furlough. At least then he'll be in town. I won't have to worry about him getting hurt or dying. Apparently tonight something big is supposed to go down and somebody is going to get hurt. Bobby said he'll be on his bunk with his nose buried in the bible and basically hiding in the covers. He promised me he'll be safe. He said that even if he has to put himself in solitary, he'll make sure he doesn't get hurt. I'm so scared for him. I'm not worried about if he can handle himself...I know he can do that...what I'm worried about is the fact that he's in there because he had a nervous breakdown,then turned to drugs. He is still mentally fragile. He has a lot of panic attacks...if those freaks in there find out that he's not much more than a little scared boy, they'll use it to their advantage. I just don't want him to get more time, defending himself from some jerks who gang up on him. Please pray with me that he is able to hide out on his bunk behind his bible, relapse books, and art for me.
Please God.
Anyways, may God Bless all our men and our lives as we deal with yet another month without them.
Kim

Kim
I know how you feel. My husband presents with a tough image but on the inside he to is more of a scared little boy. I worry that trouble will start and he will be caught up in it although he doesn't want to be. I only have contact with him through letters and it kills me waiting for a letter to make sure he is ok.

I truly hope Bobbie is ok and wil continue to keep all of our men in my prayers.
I know you are counting the days.
My husband should be released April 1 if i can hold it togehter until we will be back togehter and can have our marriage.
I think I will scream if they postpone his release.

God bless us all

Hi Kim,

Old Chinese saying to pass on to Chris at the cable company: "Nepotism not a problem until you start hiring all your relatives." ;-)) Bobby's smart to stay out of trouble and out of harm's way. My hubby spends a lot of time in the library or his cell for those reasons. A lot of the people he's in with are seriously mentally distrubed and are there for violent crimes. They keep them medicated but he told me some of them are still unpredictable. Fine one minute, out of control the next.

I’m getting ready to go for my 4 hours of togetherness. Can’t wait to be with him, especially since we’ll only have a few more before they cut us off in February. I dread that.

Love,
Donna

My husband is on the second year of his eleven year sentence. I see him about once a month since he is held 600 miles away. It is so hard because there is nothing I can do about it. The letters and phonecalls are the things I treasure most now that he is away. I can't wait until he is back home. I admire all of the strong women who feel the pain of their husbands. Love to all of you.

Hi Anonymous,

You do have a tough situation. Having to travel 600 miles to see him only once per month must be hard and expensive. Is there any chance he might be moved closer? From what you wrote, it seems your relationship is positive and strong. Can you share any advice about how you're managing to keep it good?

Love,
Donna

Dear Donna
My hubby is trying to get transfer since he was down there but you probally know how slow the prison system is. The advice I would give to women who are going through this is always keep the lines of communication open. If you can't see him or pay for those outrages collect calls, write. My husband tells me that his day is better when he gets letters from me. I'm glad I found this web site. This is the first place where its not taboo to talk about being in prison. Does anybody have advice on how to make it nine years or is it just one day at a time? Love to all

Hi Anonymous,

Nothing good happens fast in the system. Bad things often happen like lightening. Communication is the key to success in every relationship, no matter what the circumstances. This is a wonderful place to find support and understanding. Everyone knows what it means to have a loved one behind walls. No one is going to tell you to shape up, get on with your life and forget him. My hubby's sentence is indefinite. He may be away for years or forever. I have to take it one day at a time. I’d go crazy if I didn't because there is no end in sight.

Love,
Donna

Hi Donna,
I also take it one day at a time. I would go crazy if I didnt. The love of my life is in for life with no possibility of parole. Waiting for the appeals process is almost unbearable at times. We do whatever we can to make eachother happy while we wait. His birthday is next week (he will be 31) and I am getting a tattoo he designed on my lower back (with his name) I couldnt think of anything that would make him happier. I have no doubts about putting his name on me permenently, since he is permanenetly in my heart. :)

Hi ~B~

You have it tougher than I do. I have hope they'll free my hubby at some point. God knows he's no danger to anyone! The tattoo idea is pretty radical! I hope you go to a reputable shop that sterilizes instruments and observes all the necessary health rules. There's a lot of hepatitis and worse floating around! I know he won‘t be able to see it in person. Will you be able to send him pictures?

Love,
Donna

Hello Ladies;
Today is a mixed day. Last night he called and for the first real time had harshness towards me...we worked it out though. It was about a letter I wrote telling him how I'm growing up and trying to find my own two feet. I had apparently used his own words to describe something that I now realise I must do from now on. The thing is, he's been trying to tell me this same thing for the past 2 years. Anyway, he thought I was patronizing him, and rubbing it in that he's there and I'm growing up-with out him-. I explained that, I was not going to leave him behind, and just like him...it took this to wake me up and see how dependant I had allowed myself to become. He thinks this statement was a knock on him...all I was trying to say is that from now on I will be strong by myself as well as with him.
Anyways, he didn't get the job we were hoping for, and still no word on work furlough. I really hope he gets it, that way he'll be in town and I won't have to worry so much for his safety.

I think it's sad, The State holds them to "protect" the public, shouldn't they also keep them safe? I mean they are now "in charge of them" High Desert State Prison is one of the worst prisons in California, and they put a very harmless scared man in there for relapsing back into Meth. On New Years Day 2 ambulances went out of there in the 6 hours I was with him.
Gotta go to class.
God Bless All Of Us and Our Men.
Kim

kim, glad you guys worked through the harsh moment. when i worked for DOC i found that one of the biggest heartbreaking struggles the guys go thru is the feeling of helplessness. as a man, they are expected and want to take care of those they love. already they are dealing with the guilt of their incarceration, then on top of it having to deal with the possibility of their people not needing them (at least in their head). my baby-love and i have had to deal with many insecurities on both of our parts. we refer to them as our crows venting (ya know how crows make bunches of noise all lined up on a fence?). we listen to the other vent, takes much practice to be able to vent compassionately as well as listen compassionately. its a matter of providing each other with a place where we each feel comfortable getting naked (so to speak) and letting it out, knowing it is mainly coming from the circumstances and not anyone's real fault. bless you for being able to grow strong and believe in yourself in this current circumstance, bless him for allowing you the space (in his heart)even if scaredly, to do so. we all have what it takes, we just gotta use it!
hugs to all
jenifer.... 32 days and a wake up!

I am an investigative reporter looking into the rates charged at county and state jail/prison facilities around the country for phone calls (usually collect) from inmates.

I would like to hear--especially from people incarcerated in, or families from, MICHIGAN:

--How these charges have impacted families of inmates, especially children;

--Examples of incredibly high charges at specific places;

--Why taxpayers should care that states/localities are making millions in telephone "commissions" off prisoners...after all, isn't this a good way to help offset the cost of maintaining jails/prisons, especially where the profits go back into "prisoner services/benefits"?

Please e-mail me at:

ResearchNews@aol.com

Thanks for your help.

Hi ResearchNews,

Your inquiry "--Why taxpayers should care that states/localities are making millions in telephone "commissions" off prisoners..." might have been better stated "Why should taxpayers care about the legalized extortion of other taxpayers?" They are not making any money "off prisoners." They are extorting it from prisoners' loved ones, who, in many or most cases, are at or near the poverty level. If the powers that be can get away with abusing us, is any other group safe? My opinion is a resounding NO! But who am I that anyone should care about my opinion or problems? I can't be part of mainstream American life. After all, I'm married to a convict.

Regards,
Donna

Well put Donna,I mean every time I try to explain to people the unfair and unlawful practices that our men and us women have to deal with, I hear the statement that used to come out of my mouth...Then LEAVE THEM. The term Convict and Ex-Con are just little red flags for people. They can't get desent jobs, or we are ostrisized because we choose to stick by our men. When we complain about the phone company, we get "Then don't accept the phone calls" Ladies can we really see that as an answer...no. The fact that we are here for them shows that we are a rare breed that actually wants to help them. I still feel that those women who are with men that have killed someone or something that serious should leave, but I now do not tell them this. That is for them to decide, not me. Society should stop trying to hide them away, but deal with the fundamental reason for their actions, not throw them away and forget. Until everyone wisens up and realizes that our current system is not working, we will be in a perpetual downward cycle of neglect and crime. Anyways, Donna... that was very well put.
Kim

I am a reporter looking for Missouri families of
prisoners. Incidentally, I dated a man who was
arrested and sentenced to 14 years in prison, so I
understand that pain. If anyone is interested in
talking with me please email me at
researchinve
stigation@yahoo.com Thank

i have visited this community before, but as far as i can remember i havent posted anything. so here is a little about me and my husband.....we are both from and live in texas. my husband is the one in prison. my name is terri, and his name is ken. he is 32 and i am 22. he has been in prison for a year already but we (my family and his) hope to have him home in 3 or 4 years. luckily, he is only about 2 hours away from here now. anyway, i was just wondering if there was anyone on here that was in texas. i would really like to hear from you, whoever you are and maybe.

Hi Terry,

I'm glad you decided to share with the group. I seems to help, doesn't it? I hope Ken's back home soon! You're lucky he's not serving a life or indeterminate sentence. It's sometimes hard to keep it together under those circumstances. Is he in a privately run prison? I've read that they're different from state institutions. I assume you get to visit him often. How are visits for the two of you?

Love,
Donna

My husband came home this past December after being incarcerated for 10 years!! He's doing just fine and I couldn't be happier. My family is complete.

Hi...my husband was arrested Feb 5 and relocated across the country and is sitting in a county jail. I got to see him through the wire for an hour before he was extradidted and that was the last time. I'm sitting here now at my sister's waiting for his first phone call and I am terrifed. I am making plans to get to him and will arrive there Mar 1 and be able to see him Mar 3. Pray for us, please! I love him so much and I feel like my world is falling apart.
Kimmie

hi,this is my first time writing here. my husband was arrested 4 mos ago and denied bail. right now he is in federal prison in ma. and he will be sentenced in april. he has a 10 yr minimum and we're looking at 61/2yrs. right now. i'm so lost and confused. 2 weeks ago i found out my husband had a girlfriend,so on top of my life being turned upside down,now it's being destroyed.does anyone have any suggestions or advice for me. i can't talk to anyone because i feel like a fool. i love him and truthfully i know he loves me, but he betrayed me. how do i deal with this.

Dear Joanne...
I know this will be hard for you, but you need to ask him what HE wants. Write to him or when you talk on the phone, ask him if he still wants you as his wife. If he does, then forgive him and move on. Be the best wife you can be...he needs you. If not, then start over with your life. Sounds harsh, but true. What else can you do?

If you have a relationship with God it's much easier, I think. Do you?

Hang in there and I will add you to my prayer list. God bless you, sweetie. Kimmie

Good Evening,
I was wading through all the junk sites in order to find a chat for women like us. Boy, that sounds like we are diseased... But, we arn't. My husband was sentenced in Dec. to 7 years. He is a meth addict and after being clean for 7 years, in Feb. of 2000, he started using again. The rest as they say is history. Using was not enough, he had to have the power and money that went with manufacturing anyhow, by God's grace he was caught. I know that may sound cold to some of you, however, I truely believe it saved his life. The last two years have not been easy on my son and I. And in the end my husband was unfaithful also...he even told me that he was in love with the other woman.
It is by God's power that I have survived emotionally and spiritually. Kim, you are so correct. My husband chose to do his "dirty work" away from our home and church (thank God again) however, that means that he was caught out of state and to now visit him I must travel 200 miles each way. Picnic, no! We all know this feeling and the price of the phone calls!! Oh, man...don't get me started :) I pray for all of us daily...those doing time on the outside. Remember, your life does not stop, you have a purpose and you must fullfil it. I have learned as the "wife" portion of my life has been closed down there have been other things added to give to others and to assist in healing the wounds inflicted. May God richley bless you as you travel this road of lessons that only some of us have been considered strong enough to learn. Mother Teresa once said: "I know that God will never give me any more than I can bear, I just wish He didn't trust me so much" New thought process on the trials we face daily.
Continuing in His Grace,
Lorelei

thank you for responding. my husband says she doesn't mean anything, it was the "life" he was caught up in. he kept me out of the ugliness. he says he only wants me,he says she was nothing. i have benn clean/sober for 10 years and this is destroying me.. now he has been moved and he thinks i have left him because of what people have been telling me. he's very depressed and full of guilt. he wants to put this discussion off for six years!!!! i can't hold a resentment that long,it would destroy me...right now i'm ready to move on and get past it. if he was out it could be handled differently but he's not so i
have to learn how to put it behind me. he has never done long time,actually he hasn't been in jail for 14 years. he went back to his old life thinking it would different and it wasn't...the last two years have been terrible. i'm very concerned for his mental state. so with all this going on, picking up the pieces,taking care of lawyers, house, baby, full-time job, his buisness, i'm ready to fall apart...i miss him terribly.thank god this site is here.

Yes, thank God for this site. Pray for God's direction, Joanne...His help. He is faithful. In truth, the ONLY one who is faithful to His Word and His promises to us. During your busy life, and trying to sort through everything. Find time to get into His Word and pray. He is right there for you! Just reach out a little and He will run to meet you.
Lorelei...thanks for your thoughts. This is a very very difficult time for us all. We really need each other's support. I am packing to move across country to be near my husband, who hasn't even been arraigned yet. I will see him for a visit through the fence March 3rd and I am looking forward to seeing him, but am scared and nervous, too. We know that God will straighten this mess out. And if God be for us, WHO can be against us, right. So it's a done deal. God bless you both.....Kimmie

Ladies in waiting...
My prayers are with you. How our hearts break as we watched each step that they took away from our life.
I alternate between being thrilled that he is thinking clear and wanting to slap him for the time we have lost. However, I know that this is usual and honest and it is ok to feel...it is the numbing times that scare me. Lord, I would rather feel the burn of loving than the nothing of despair.
Kimmie, Read Job 13:15!! Though He slay me, Yet will I trust him! What power and promise!
I would just love to hug you both and have a good cry with you too. It would be a great cleansing. Tomorrow is another day. The nights are the hardest for me. I am off to sleep. Take care, and God bless
Lorelei

12 years of fighting the system...many years of mental and emotional tornment, anger, loneliness and pain. Facts of the case ignored and overlooked. Evidence prooving innocence beyond doubt, yet we still wait...still struggle...still look to prayer and God which can make you feel that faith and prayer is all in vain. Each day you wonder How to keep going, how to keep fighting, how to keep hoping. Then the day comes to an end and secretly reminds you that you held on once more. 12 years and still fighting...how long Lord? Where are you? Bless us wives and children who hold on tightly still looking for you to release us from this fight. Fill our homes, hearts, and weary minds with the return of the husband that we so diligently waited for and supported. Pour upon us the love, the touch, the joy and the happiness that we longed for. Touch and heal the brokeness and show thou mercy, kindness and love by allowing us to be what you made us to be.....wives of beautiful men, who are blessed, strengthened and encouraged by your forgiveness, grace, and love. Touch our husbands and bring them home anew, alive, well and strong. A prayer for myself, my husband, you and your husband. Amen

i too want to slap him and hug him at the same time...in the begining of this ordeal i had such blind faith in the lord. i knew everything would be allright,but then he was denied bail and all my hopes vanished. i think i lost something there. now after i find this out(fooling around) i don't to cope with the betrayal. i was ok with the 6 years i figured i'd do just what i had to do,but when i found out about the women i fell apart. funny huh, i could cope with him going away but his fooling around killed me.....so now i know i need to get my blind faith back and i'm trying but it's just not there. i feel GOD has left me. i know he hasn't and i'm trying to believe again. i just don't know why he's giving me so much pain....i know the Lord only gives you what you can handle. but i can't handle anymore...
please say a prayer for me...

Dearest Joanne,
Oh hun, God has not left you and I know that you KNOW that, but the feeling is still there. There is a song that gives me great hope called "sometimes He comes in the clouds".
The bottom line is trust.
When my husband first contacted me after 4 months of nothing (and I expected divorice papers anyday, because that is what he said he would do) I realized that I had nothing left to lose and in realizing it. It set me free. He had chosen someone else and another lifestyle, I had stayed and been faitful and supportive. But, freedom taught me that I could be whole and healthy, even if he chose not to. With nothing left to lose, I was able to be more honest with myself and with him about my boundries and his behavior. Yes, I love him beyond measure, however, if we are to build a new relationship from the ashes of the old we have to do it HONESTLY. That means digging through the old luggage and cleaning up the mess our lives have become (sounds like 12 step huh?) He can do the work in prison....I have seen it done, with support and counselors who are willing to assist. Remeber, for every step they take to be whole, even in the caustic environment that is prison, that is one step closer they are to never going back again.
Don't trust him....Trust God to know how much He can handle for you and let him work with you through this gut wrentching pain. I cried last night as I dug through old photos to send..."what a waste" my mind said. But, God says,"I can teach lessons anywhere. Prison walls can't keep me out" I am praying tht God give you an extra mesasure of peace and mercy during this time and that he send a local support group your way! Have a quiet day in Him
Love,
Lorelei

You all are such an inspiration to me! Thank God for you...yes, thank God. My husband and I are both pastors and the attitudes of the community here are really mixed, given what he's charged with. His 17 year old daughter, who was furious when we moved out of state, says that he did something to her when she was 11. My husband was so hurt and angry. We feel that his ex-family is encouraging her in this. We begged her to come with us, but she wouldn't, and we couldn't force her. Who wants an angry teenager living in a strange environment??? It was very difficult for him to leave, but we felt God calling us to build a church here. Well, long story short. He is still waiting to be arraigned. How long can they hold him before seeing a judge, I wonder? Anyway, I am selling everything and flying across the country with our labrador to be with him. Thank God my children are still there, too. Well, yall be blessed...Kimmie

Ladies, I admire your faith in God. I once had it. I'm "the forever optimist" at least I once was. I have faith in our marriage, faith in his belief of himself, faith in his belief in God, I have faith in myself, and I know that there is a God, I feel him. I just find it hard to have faith in HIM. It's been 8 months. He may only have 146 days left... but it's still hell for me. He beleives that the Devil is trying our faith and our love. I believe that the Devil is a cop-out to a weak soul. The devil didn't make him turn back to drugs...he had no coping skills and turned to the only thing he knew. We'll now teach him new coping skills, and new ways to handle life...BUT the DEVIL did not make him CHOOSE to start drugs again. Anyways,
Donna...how are you doing? You still hanging on? God Bless us all...For I know he's out there...I DO feel him. I just wish my undying hope was still here. Bobby promises to restore me as I have helped to restore him. I hope it can be done... I'm cracking up over here. I actually allowed the School Doc, and Shrink to convince me to take Anti-Depression pills. 1 pill and I got off that crap. WE CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING...WE JUST HAVE TO HANG ON TO THE ONE THING WE ALL HAVE IN COMMON... OUR LOVE!

Hello everyone. My name is Marsha. I am newly remarried, and I have a 12 year old daughter. I just found out yesterday that my husband has to go to prison here in North Carolina for 3 years. His crime was plea bargained down to that with 2 years of parole. I will be able to visit him every weekend, but I can't stop crying right now. I feel lost and alone, and I am glad that I found this site to share with all of you women. My prayers go out to you all. Love is the key to everything!
Marsha

I have a question for you ladies...if there was an online chat for just women like us, would you be interested? 24 hours open when we need to talk or cry or vent or when we are doing well and want to help others....
Let me know! Obedient@reachone.com
I am holding you all close in my prayers!
Love,
Lorelei

Hi Marsha,

Three years sounds like an awfully long time when you first get hit in the face with it but trust me, it isn't. I know this is a very hard time. We've all had to go through it. There's no easy way out or magic pill to make things better. Take it one day at a time. Visit, write and talk on the phone as often as possible. That's the best way to keep things together. Be prepared to lose some friends. You'll make new one who'll understand and accept. You're not alone - ever. We're here for you!

Love,
Donna

I am new to this site, but I am not new to being a lady-in-waiting. My fiance is a little more than halfway thru his time. He won't be home until 2007. All I can do is keep the homefires burning and pray for time to fly by. I met him while I worked at the prison and could not continue in that line of work after I met the man I love. No one could believe the dichotomy of what it was like working there and falling in love, at the same time. I saw pretty quickly what was important to me and I am glad to say I will be strong for my Man until he comes home.

I guess I could also add that because I worked there I (for obvious reasons) am not allowed to visit THAT makes the time seem harder and longer, but I am confident that we will prevail......KEEP HOPE ALIVE!!!!

well it just seems to get worse. now my husband has gone into being a recluse and won't call or write. He thinks i was leaving him(which i wasn't)and he has isolating himself. he doesn't want to see the destruction he has caused. and a lot has happened to me since that night when they came for him in full force at my house(while i was putting a 21/2 yr old to bed. she saw everything.she saw them put guns on me and handcuff me. she thought the police came for me because he had gone out and she didn't know that as soon as he came home,they came through the doors after him.it's been 4 mos. but she still jumps sometimes when she hears a noise. he doesn't know all this. my husband became involved in something and kept me out of it so no one would ever know what i looked like. it was too dangerous he said for me and her. but now they know who i am.so on top of him being in jail i have to watch out everyday.. and now he wants to go into a isolation stage i think not to deal with any of this. this is pissing me off.i am so sad every day. i never knew i could fell such sadness.everythings a mess.

good morning..
joanne - sounds like your husband is in an overwhelmed phase too. going in is like a death and the grieving process must be gone thru. for you too. i'm sorry and i am sorry for your daughter. just remember to breath and take care of you first.
anonymous - i met my man while i worked for doc also. the dept trains you to consider them only as inmates not 'men' (this is actual words they use and i can see the need for that mentality to a certain degree)and i quit when i realized i could not do that. i could not hold that edge any longer. i quit on a tuesday and visited on that saturday and have done so every week for the past two and a half years (he gets out this coming monday! yeah!)so hang in there!
for marsha - where in nc? i am pretty familiar with most of the prisons in nc, policies, etc. if you have any questions or concerns.
my baby will be coming home monday. does anyone have any advice on what to expect or how to help make the transition of him coming home successful and positive? thanks to all
glad to see you are still here/there donna and kim ...
hugs to all
jenifer

first of all let me say thank you for being here as i was going through a rough period. i feel much better now. my husband wrote and told me he's waiting on a bed so right now he doesn't have phone or visits. he will very soon, maybr this week or next. you know the federal govt. so he's looking forward to making up for lost time and talking so we can move ahead in a positive manner. the man i married was a very good man and that's all i want back. him or a better version. i don't want the one i've lived with for the past two years. i know it will rough some times but i think god is still with me and him. you know my husband was studying to be a preacher before he went back to his old life(drug dealing) crazy huh?don't ask me i don't know what happened,only he does and now will be the time for him to find out. are their programs available to him in there?i mean therapy,family counseling-alone,together?i'm not familiar with this system and they the govt. really don't tell me anything. everything is a big secret. what are family visits? any infomation would be helpful. thanks so much fore being here. i don't feel alone anymore...

Joanne, Family visits vary from prison to prison and from state to state. Some states don't have them because of ignorant tax payers. Here in California the Family visit is 3 days and nights of just you and him. At my husbands prison we got a little house and I had to send money and we got to pick out food....REAL food, Steak, Corn on the Cob, Cereal, Eggs, Bacon, Milk, Coffee. They called at 5am, 9am, 12noon, 4pm, 6pm, 9pm, midnight, and 2am, to make sure he was still in there. He had to answer the phone, get dressed in state issue clothes, and walk outside to be counted. Kinda hard to do things, but at least we got to be together. As for the programs in the prison...Most prisons have a website. The site is just about a page of the facts...The address, how many inmates, the levels of them, and the programs. I send my husband self-help books because where he is doesn't have much of anything. He did complete a pre-release program and is attending a creative writing class. Our pastor sent a book on Christian Marriage, I've sent a book on Going from the "I" of addiction back to the "WE" of family, and I just sent a book on panic. I also got him started on an Anger Management course. Though, I'm the one with the Anger. He just needs to learn to cope better with stress.
The prison might also have Conjugal Visits, Some prisons back East have these instead of Family visits. This one lady I know form here has 1 four hour visit with him a week. They get a really small room and are given NO condoms...he may smuggle drugs in them, or whatever(we know the drill) I think that recently even those got canceled. It all depends upon the state.
I'm only speaking from my experience with a State Prison... so if he's in a Fed. Prison, it may be much different.

Hey Donna, thank you for your kind response to my first posting. My husband went in today after his court where the plea was entered. He is in the county jail, and they won't let him have much of anything! I thought I was past the crying and grieving of the past week, but as soon as they took him to jail, I broke down again. I later tried to bring stamps, envelopes, paper, religious articles, etc..they wouldn't let him have them. They took his religious pendant, and his wedding ring! All this hurts so much! The people at the window at the jail were so cold and hostile too. I am glad I can post on here now, and I have a strong faith in God and my Spiritual practice. I can only keep going one day at a time, as you said. Thank you again!

Love,Marsha

Hey Jenifer,

Thanks for asking, he just went into the county jail, and not sure where he is going for 'processing' yet. We are in Orange County.The court recommended Harnett County Correctional Center, so we'll see what happens. I hope and pray for a way to handle all this. God Bless you and everyone else. Take care,

Marsha

Hello to all!!! It's been awhile since I've been here. Alot has changed. My husband has been across the state of Texas and back. Thankfully we were finally able to get contact visits at Thanksgiving. He's been gone since July '01. Even though he is incarcerated we have been so blessed. He just came up for his parole review and they are going to send him to a rehab unit soon. I am praying the next year will fly by. I have been angry with him here lately. Our long distance marriage is growing with God's grace and mercy. You are all in my prayers!!!
God bless!

Hey Pam, I was wondering what happened to you. I'm glad to here that God is moving in you both. I'll pray for the rehab unit for you two. My husband gets out on July 15. It's all down hill from here, but It still hurts. I have been doing well in school...speaking of that got a class in 5 minutes!!! ;-p
GOD BLESS!

Hi ladies, Back from class. Does anyone know what I should or shouldn't expect from him when he comes home. I'm so scared that I'll do something wrong or pressure him, or something. I've always been this way with everybody. I'm afraid of hurting people. How can I help him?
Life is going ok though. My spirits are heading back up and laughter is easier now that I know this is almost over. I have been having real bad nightmares though. I wake up and he's not there. It hurts my soul to go to bed alone at night. I still sleep on the couch, but I have to start getting the house back in order for when our family is complete again. Still having small trouble coping, but I'm taking it one day at a time. Everyday is a day closer to this being all over. 128 days till normalcy

Kim
My baby came home feb 25 after four plus years down. its been a very up and down week. here are some things i can say about the adjustment, etc: be prepared to have at least three days to a week available to help him get whatever in the way of society's paperwork demands taken care of: driver license, etc. remind him to rest when he feels tired. it will be major stimulus overload at first - being around people, different noises, smells. even just having to face choosing what toothpaste to buy (even i get frustrated at that!!)may overwhelm him. he will be going from a very structured environment to a nonstructured one. be aware that the pendulum will probably swing to the extreme (bedtimes, meals, etc depending on ya'lls lifestyle) before it settles in (we are about to go into that phase at our house)Employment may or may not be a problem. christian applied for jobs on friday and had a job by tuesday. Social services can help with food, bills, etc if need be. Have him talk to his programmer at the prison to direct him with the necessary paperwork. get in touch with the various support groups - aa, na, church (prison fellowship can help too) - to help with the adjustment if he has a substance abuse problem. or just for general support as you go from running the show at home by yourself to sharing the responsibility with him. he will want to be the man making up for lost time immediately, so that in itself may cause frustration and confusion, hurt feelings and power struggles. communication is most important above all. have a sense of humor and make sure you two relax and have fun as much as possible. patience and tolerance and forgiveness. make sure you take time for yourself too, give yourself space for the adjustment. good luck and don't forget to pray.
many hugs to all
jenifer

HI,
I HAVEN'T POSTED IN AWHILE LIFE HAS BEEN VERY BUSY WHICH IS GOOD.I FINALLY SPOKE TO HUSBAND SINCE THEY MOVED HIM,IT HAD BEEN 3 WEEKS. HE IS STILL IN THE HOLE AWAITING A BED SO HE IS ALLOWED ONE 15 MINUTE PHONE CALL. WE ARE AWAITING MY APPROVAL TO VISIT HIM. MY HUSBAND SAID THAT THEY HAD MARRIAGE COUNSELING AND THERAPY AVAILABLE,HE WANTS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS. HE WANTS US TO START ALL OVER. I ALSO FOUND OUT THAT IN FEDERAL PRISONS THERE ARE NO CONJUGAL VISITS ALLOWED. SO IT WILL BE HAND HOLDING FOR THE NEXT 5-6 YEARS. WELL I GUESS IT COULD BE WORSE. HE COULD BE DEAD AND I'D NEVER GET TO HOLD HIS HAND AGAIN. I HAVE TO LOOK AT IT THAT WAY. IS ANYONE FROM THE EAST COAST?

Hi Joanne,

We're from Maryland.

Love,
Donna

Sort of humerous thoughts about how to help him once he gets home...

Making him feel at home:

1) Try to avoid large crowds and long lines in particular- he will get into any line and stand complacently for hours.

2) Do not allow him to go shopping without a list; arrange for your local store to assign him a number and to have him wait outside until his order is filled.

3) Occasionally walk through the house shaking a bunch of keys.

4) Turn off all lights at 12:00 am.

5) Periodically through the night, rip his covers off and shine a flashlight in his face.

6) At the dinner table, try to ignore it if he starts filling up a baggy with sugar or wraps food up in a napkin and puts it in his pocket. This could be embarrassing in a public place. It is suggested that you refrain from eating out until this urge subsides.

7) After work he may run into the house and place his shirt or jacket over a chair in front of the TV. It will take him awhile to realize that he doesn't have to save a seat in his own home.

8) Before he comes home, warn friends and family that when he uses the phone, he will place one finger in his ear and glare at you if you interrupt her while he's talking.

9) At 4:00 p.m. he will drop what he is doing and rush to the bedroom. Just yell, "Count clear!" and he will snap out of it. (Please note: this may occur at other intervals during the day.)

10) He will have a fondness for credit cards instead of money. He may not even touch money if you give it to him.

11) He will prefer to store all his belongings including clothes, food, and toiletries in one drawer.

12) He might be perplexed when opening mail. You need to open the envelope, cut the letter in half, put it back into the envelope and staple through all parts.

LOL..... ;-P HA HA HA HA
That was funny Donna, Thank you. I'll share that with him. It'll give him a laugh, he'll need that. Well last night I got his clothes back in the drawers (I had a roommate for 3 weeks and took his stuff out and put it away. It took me 4 months to put them back.) His stuff his hung-up in the closet... the house is getting clean. I'm even starting to finish my decorating ideas. I unpacked 1 of our 3 big boxes so far. During the whole XL thing (the company lost the contract and we might've had to move) I packed up the house. It's time to make US a HOME again.

You forgot one...He will have a compelling urge to eat his dinner as fast as humanly possible, take 5 second showers, and walk in a circle for hours as if still on the track. ;-p
Kim
Thanks Again Donna
And thank you Jennifer

Hello All,

I swear, this must be like going through stages. It's like when someone dies, except my husband isn't dead, he's just gone. Not with us. I find it to be so painful. Now I'm going through an angry resentful stage, and really that's not like me. I have forgiven him for his wrongdoings, but things are just not going very well out here. Im lonely, scared, and I also feel depressed and unmotivated. I do go to work every day, I go through the motions but nothing feels right. Up until now, I have been a well adjusted person. I had my own troubles in life and surmonted a lot of difficulties. Now it feels like I've plummeted downward again. He is in this processing center before he goes to a medium security facility. At least that is what we think. But who knows, he may be sent somewhere else.
Jenifer, I never heard from you again about North Carolina Prisons. He is now at Craven Correctional Institution, then probably going to Harnett County, which is medium security.
I thank all of you for posting on this site. It helps to read others going through all this.Take care everyone and God Bless you all.
Marsha

Hi Kim,

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the suggestions. I'll add them to the list. I sent my hubby a copy. He said to add something about "don't disturb him if he spends a lot of time in the bathroom 'reading' Playboy or Hustler." Sometimes you have to laugh at a bad situation to keep yourself going. I packed most of my hubby's things but I keep a few things around like his leather jacket in the hall closet to remind me of him. I wear it sometimes when I take a walk. It's way too big but it smells like him so I put it on. I keep the toys we used to use in the night table. I take them out and look at them sometimes but I don't use them.

Love,
Donna

Hi Marsha,

Losing someone to the system is like having them die, except there's no funeral to mark the transition from life to something else. The grieving process has no end because there's no milestone. Don't try to squash your feelings of anger, resentment, abandonment or anything else. Let them out or the pressure will make you even more depressed. Don't feel guilty about your emotions. Whatever you feel is natural, valid and acceptable! I think we all go through the same things at one time or another. Just when you think you're past it, something triggers an old memory and you're right back to square one.

Always remember: You're the same good, strong, loving, capable person you always were. Your husband's predicament and the changes it's forced on your life haven't changed you. Take things one day at a time and try to get something good from each day.

Love,
Donna

Hi gang,

No one has written about it but I doubt I'm the only one who's having trouble dealing with - TEMPTATION! Yes, I admit it. I'm lonely for companionship. It's been a long time since I spent a night with my man. I have needs he can't fill and I ache. There's someone in my office. I've known him since before I got married. We've always been friends. He knows everything about my situation. He's not pressuring me but seeing him every day makes me even needier for what I'm missing. He's nice, attractive and he cares about me.

Donna

hey marsha
you may already have found it, but check out the website www.doc.state.nc.us/offenders/
you can keep up with some of his transfers, write-ups, etc on this page. the main page of the site can take you to the descriptions of the prisons, etc. Harnett is a pretty big prison. It has many opportunities for him to get a job. depending on his sentencing structure, work is good for gain time (time subtracted from his sentence - can be gotten thru taking classes, working or attending necessary programs)nc prisons: no conjugal visits. visits are usually on the weekends, depending on the prison, it may be thru making an appointment (med cust is usually one hour a week, min two hours)or a time slot assigned due to his place in the alphabet. phone calls in med is usually one 10 min per every two weeks, min is unlimited. so write, write, write...he will be allowed to draw $40 dollars a week (harnett may be a cash camp or card only....?)for canteen to buy toiletries and snacks. harnett is a tough prison, many lifers, etc.. but its all in the attitude he carries how they will treat him (other guys or the officers)you can email me at jenf@virclub.com for more info, etc if you wish. i am glad to be able to help in any way i can.
oh donna.. the general saying in the prison is that no woman is ever true to her man pulling time. that temptation sucks cuz sometimes you can talk yourself into justifying the flirtation. but is it really worth it in the long run. he may never find out, but you will know in your heart. don't ever think he can't cheat while in there either... there are plenty of women in the prison system who would be glad to have a no strings attached fling. prison is full of sexual energy.
hang in there girlie, you have this... try to make yourself accountable to someone, even if its just us here who have your back no matter. hugs to ya...
jenifer

Hi Jenifer,

I know he might have opportunities to have sex. He told me about his sleazy counselor who dresses like a slut and never heard the word "modesty." He's serving an indefinite sentence. We don't know when he'll be released, if ever. Maybe each of us should take what we need. I'm thinking about talking to him about it next time we visit. Maybe we'll be able to come up with an understanding of some kind. I think I'll be able handle it if he just has sex without getting involved. Maybe he'll feel that way about me once we talk frankly about it - if I get up enough nerve to mention it. I wouldn't want there to be any secrets between us.

Love,
Donna

hi everyone,
well i finally got to visit with my husand and actually hug and kiss him. it had been 5 mos. since i last touched him. the funny thing was we talked more in those 5 hours than we had in two years.a lot of things were said by both of us that were never said. i guess it happened when it was suppose to happen. i actually saw him 2 days in a row. i will be able to see him 1 day every weekend and 1 day during the week. he gets 12 points a month for visits. week visits are 1 point and weekend visits are 2. he is still in the hole waiting on a bed so only 1 call per week,but that's ok,i can still see him. the co's were very civil,it was more relaxed that i thought it would be. it can only get better from here on. about the temptation,he would probably never find out but you would always know. can you deal with that? i don't think i can. i know it would change the relationship on my part,either way only you can make that choice. god bless.

Hi Joanne,

I'm glad you finally got to see him and touch him and the two of you had a good, long talk. Sometimes it's hard to focus on communicating with all the distractions of daily ("normal!") life. You're lucky the COs are professionals. Some aren't and they make life unnecessarily difficult. A few of them treat us like sluts. They don't try to hide their contempt for us. As for my decision, I know I'll have to be an adult and live with my conscience if I do anything. I won't do anything without talking it over with my husband first. I would expect him to tell me if he does anything in there.

Love,
Donna

Hey there Jenifer, thanks for the information and your email address. I really do appreciate it. Yes, I have looked at the DOC pages, they give quite a bit of information. thank you so much, and may God bless you...

Hey Donna, thank you for your kind words. You really do have a good way with words, and always seem to know the right thing to say to everyone. It's a gift, I think, and I for one appreciate you a lot for that. You are going through a much tougher situation than I am, and yet you have such good things to say and advice. Thank you, and May God Bless you,

Marsha

Hi Marsha,

Thanks for YOUR kind words. I'm glad my thoughts and ideas make sense and maybe even provide a bit of hope and encouragement. Each of us is going through an equally hard time in her own way. Here's what I remind myself each time something nasty occurs. We can't control what happens to us. We must strive to control the way we react to it and how it affects us.

Love,
Donna

DONNA--> HE'S IN TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saw him today dropped off some clothes, and toiletries... he's in town!!!
We just have to find him a job soon, so he can keep the Work Forlough program!!!1
I've been jumping up and down since He called from prison last night to tell me. They woke him up at 3am, and he got into town at 9am. He called me at 11:30 and told me that I could bring him some things. He now will have a 7 day black-out. We can still call eachother.....I CAN CALL HIM!!!!
OH MY GOD!!!!!! GOD IS LISTENNING!!!! HE HEARD MY 1 WORD PRAYER!!!!
I have to go home now and get the house cleaned up a little bit better....
Donna, about the decision you are thinking about...I will not tell you what to do, that's not "our" business...do whatever you BOTH can live with. If you two can come to an understanding, then do what you have to do. I gave myself a test in the beginning....I passed it. FOR ME...I could never do that to my self or my MAN. But, our circumstances are different. I hope you can make the best decision for your self. And yes THANK YOU, you always seem to know what to say. Thank you sooo much.
HE'S IN TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4 months till he's home, but at least I now know he's safe.

Hello there Kim, I am happy for you. I am glad that he is near you now. Good luck in him finding a job!

I have been thinking about what Jenifer said about the prison environment being full of sexual energy. I have been worried thinking about the fact that my husband has the opportunity to cheat on me if he wanted to. He has said he never would, and as far as I know he never has. But he has never been in prison before either, without getting his needs met. We are a very spiritual couple, and I believe that he feels strongly about his value system, morals, and his wedding vows. But still, one never knows...I hope that he can somehow stay strong and not stray. We both believe that God is the most important "person' in our lives. I just really don't know what's going on in prison and if he can stay strong.

Marsha

Hello Ladies,
Wow, it has been almost a month. I wanted to stop by and see how everyone is doing. I am praying for you Donna. That is a tough decision no matter how you slice it. Congratulations Kim!! Oh man, do I remember that feeling...like waking on sunshine:)
Hubby and I are doing well. He will be charged by the feds next month and moved to a federal prison instead of state....interesting changes ahead. Lots of twists and turns. God is faithful. I am blessed to have a local support group called L.O.O.Ps(loved ones of prisoners) here. That has helped. Take care ladies...you are in my prayers daily...even if I don't write.
Lorelei

Hi, I just wanted to let everyone know that the Joan Rivers Radio Show interviewed me today and the show will air on Friday March 15th 2002. I had hoped it would be more about the book I wrote because the book represents a lot of my life for 5 years but it was really personal. I had to discuss a lot of things that I am not comfortable discussing. You know the questions already. The ones people ask you. I was as honest as possible and tried to answer the questions with as much dignity as I could. I think that I did as good of job as I could do trying to turn the obvious negatives into positive statements. Ms. Rivers was really nice during the interview, while asking questions that I didn't ever address in the book because to me it was personal. Anyway, I think she was good, and the good part is the book and the website were mentioned repeatedly and without the sometimes circus atmosphere I have witnessed on talk shows in the past. I tried to approach the sexual questions with good humor and I hope it is received that way...along with letting folks know that what they do to prisoners hurts us too. I hope that if you can listen to WOR radio in New York, or via the internet on Friday you can catch the interview and let me know what you feel. More importantly it would be good to let her know so more stations could cover our issues in a manner that is more humane like she did. I am really glad that the website is helping folks like my own family. You all take care!
Toni

Hi Kim,

You made it! You've gotten your life back! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! I'll keep my fingers crossed that he finds a job.

Love,
Donna

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your advice about the sensitive issue I raised and for being nonjudgmental. I've been giving it a lot of thought and I think it boils down to a couple of points; can we separate love and sex and should we be willing to let each other ease our tension if we have the opportunity. I'm trying to imagine how I'll feel if he tells me he wants to do something with someone in there. It hurts a little but I'm trying to be as objective as possible. He needs something I can't give him right now. I have needs of my own. I intend to bring it up at our next visit.

Love,
Donna

We got to hug and hold eachother, I got to lay my head on his chest!!!! I can call him anytime between 5am-11pm...5:30 is their dinner time. He's really scared. He's nervous....
Donna... I told him your list...He laughed like crazy. Thank you again for the humor. He needed the release. No guards, no wires, no guntowers...just a house where he lives right now. Soon his PO will come by and check out the house... I may be able to have him HOME on his days off of work. It's like a 36 hour pass. He'll have to be home the whole time... he still is a "ward- of the state" but He's SAFE!!!!!!
I know that if something happened to him, I could be there within 30minutes.. depending upon where in town I was... and I'd be able to see him!!!
GOD IS ALIVE AND CARES LADIES!!!!!
HE HEARD MY ONE WORD PRAYER....I used to pray "Please" that encompassed so much.
Gotta go to class now.
Have faith ladies... it was a 1 in about a million chance that he'd be picked out of the thousands/ millions of CA inmates. The house only has 12 beds
KIMMY DUKES

Hi Kim,

I'm glad he liked the list. My hubby did, too. You just have to laugh sometimes when you can't do anything else. I hope your husband will be able to spend his off time with you. Do you have anything special planned? [wicked grin] I keep trying to imagine what it would be like to have my hubby at home. It's getting harder to do as time passes. Make the most of your good fortune and keep us posted so we can enjoy it vicariously.

Love,
Donna

I'll do just that Donna, All you ladies can grasp this wonderful little miracle:
I CAN CALL HIM!!...If I'm having a bad day I can call. No more waiting by the phone trying to send a telepathic message to call me. I can just pick up the phone. I call in the morning, after I get home from school, and on my half at work, and before we go to bed. The PO is comeing over on Tues. at 1pm. He is a by the book, don't waste my time kinda guy. Bobby is so scared because apparently I ACT like a tweeker. I've never done drugs before, but I do have a very scattered brain. I go off on tangents. He's so scared that the PO guy will think or something...
I just tell him to have faith. I mean why would God keep him safe this long, give him all these breaks, only to have me not be approved. Anyways, he's going to try to get a fastfood job. As long as he has 30 hours or more, he gets the privilege of coming home on his days off. I have homework so I'll write more tomorrow before class.
GOD BLESS LADIES!!!

Hi Kim,

I'm sure the PO is used to people who are a bit unfocused because they're extremely nervous and stressed out. Being able to phone him and having him home on his days off sounds so great! Getting a fast food job shouldn't be a problem. They're always looking for people!

We had our little talk yesterday. He'd been thinking about it, too. We agreed that we won't keep secrets from one another or get emotionally involved. I feel strange. I thought it would be harder to talk about it. I left there wondering how soon he's going to be able to take care of himself and with whom. Perhaps he already has. I'm going to wait until he tells me he's been with someone before I seriously consider taking care of my needs.

Love,
Donna

I'm glad your talk went ok. Thank you for all your knid words. I hope you two can make everything work for the best...any word yet on how long he's in for...I'd go crazy If I didn't know when Bobby's out date was. I admire you for that. Sticking with him even though you have no clue when it'll all be over with. I told Bobby I'd leave if it was more than 5 years...to me it would be wrong for me to put myself through all of this... but that's just me.
Like I said I admire you.
Kim

Hi Kim,

His sentence is indefinite. He could be in for another 5 years or forever. It's all up to the bureaucrats, shrinks, etc. and we know what they're like. It would be so much easier if we knew how long it's going to be, even if it were a long time. I'd at least have something to look forward to. I keep wondering if he's going to do that slutty counselor or one of the guards. I hope he doesn't catch something.

Love,
Donna

Donna, You have to not think about the what ifs, or what he could be doing. I know it's hard...I suffered so long and hard over this tragedy in our marriage. You have to have faith that he's doing the right thing, and keep the communication alive. I'm in awe that you could actually talk to him about this stuff. My husband and I have a pact to talk about it...but it's often hard for me to open up, my up-bringing didn't exactly enforce communication. Anyways, I admire what you are doing... talking this out with him, and hanging on. It will all work out the way it's supposed to in the end.
I mean, life doesn't go how WE want, but how God feels we could best benifit from this. Bobby's relapse has actually made our marraige stronger. I've learned what to look for, and I'm learning how to help...he has learned what not to do, and that he is truely loved.
Anyways, class calls...gotta go.
Kim

Hi Kim,

I'm not sure what "doing the right thing" is anymore. We're leading separate lives that only intersect for a few hours per week with no end in sight. We both need more out of life then we're getting. I want him to have whatever can make his time easier for him. He says he wants the same for me. The big thing is, no secrets. I'm dreading his telling me he did something almost as much as I'm dreading telling him I did. But I think it's inevitable. Life's too short to deny each other or ourselves something we both need. They haven't given us any idea when they'll start conjugals again and now they're re-qualifying everyone! I got the forms in the mail the other day. I have to go in for an interview and evaluation. I'm worried we may not get our visits back when they start them!

Viewing problems as learning experiences is positive. I try to do that myself but I could do with fewer opportunities to learn. Seriously, problems catalyze change in relationships. Sometimes they're positive, sometimes not. All we can do is try to make the best of things.

Love,
Donna

Ladies, Bobby has to find a job within a month or he goes to the other prison, the one next door to the one he was just at. He then has to go in front of the parole board...or whatever they are called, and they'll review his case. He could get a violation just from not finding a job in a timley manner and they could be dicks and give him his full 2 years. for sure he'd have to do his 120 days over again.
He had an interview right after he turned in his app. at Round Table Pizza, the girl he spoke with was new and when he explained to her that she was looking and speaking with a inmate, she said... well we are hiring for everything, but I don't know how my boss feels about that program... come in tomorrow at 10:30am and talk to her. So as of now the second interview is over with... I won't find out until 4pm if he got the job or not. My hiring boss at Mc D's is going to look over his app. Hopefully he can get a job their. By the way... if anyone is ever in Redding, CA NEVER, EVER, EVER eat at any McDonalds in town. The one I work at has roaches.
Anyways, I got all the money in that I was hoping for, so now I gotta go pay some bills and pray that I'll still have some left to put away for his rehab.
Kim

OH...P.S.
115 days till he's home for good.

Hello Donna and Kim,

Seems like you two are the most frequent people who post in the group. I appreciate all your insight, both of you, and your comments. I'm still trying to deal with the initial feelings with all this, now it seems I've gone to the stage of neutrality, or whatever you want to call it. I am just going through the motions, and going through each day. I just started to feel like I can laugh sometimes again, but it's no where like it used to be. I think it will be there again some day, this is all just a process. I thank God that I have a Spiritual life, and that connection with the Divine Power.
I will put in a prayer for you Kim, that your husband gets a job, and Donna, that somehow you and you husband get resolution.
I think you are so right that sometimes it does take a catalyst to make the relationship right. Too bad it has to be this extreme, and not that we have a bad marriage anyway, but there were some problems that had to be worked on. Especially him. He has lots of issues that need dealing with. I have worked on myself a lot in my life. The point is, all of us must grow and change, or die inside. I feel better some days about being able to make it through all this. I thank God for you all. It helps. May God Bless you..
Marsha

Hi Kim,

I hope Bobby gets a job quickly! From what little I know about the fast food industry, they can't find enough people to fill openings and turnover is high. He ought to be able to find a job quickly if potential employers can get past the stigma of his being on work release. Perhaps it will help if he emphasizes that he must be a model employee to retain his freedom. That would have to be a stronger incentive to excel than their usual applicants have! Thanks for the warning about eating at Redding CA McDonalds! Unfortunately, the same probably hold true for most fast food places everywhere else.

I got a call from my hubby yesterday evening. He hasn't done anything... yet! He grilled me about my activities. I didn't have anything to tell him. I reminded him I'm not going to do anything unless and until he does.

Love,
Donna

Hi Marsha,

I feel better after I post to friends who understand my problems. Misery does, in fact, like company! Feeling like a zombie is pretty normal. Who has any energy when she's worried and depressed? I sometimes feel like I'm behind a glass wall. I can see the world we used to live in but I can't go there. Does that make sense? Some days are better than others. It's like having a headache all the time. It doesn't hurt as much when you're distracted but it's always ready to grab you when you think about it.

We're all works in progress. We'll never be perfect or be all we can be but the daily (and nightly) striving improves us. My husband had (and still has) a lot of issues. That's how he wound up where he is. But he's a fundamentally good person despite everything. I wish he had better qualified help to work things through. He'd be much better now if he were on the outside with access to the best therapists. Unfortunately, they won't release him until he's "well" and being inside is hampering his progress. It's a classic "catch 22" situation. Despite everything, I know he's trying hard.

Love,
Donna

Hey Donna,
It's strange you use the analogy of being behind a glass wall. I used the same expression myself last week, and the week before!
I wish they would allow my husband to be at least in minimum security, and work and go to a program on the outside. He is also a basically good person. Being in prison doesn't help anyone, not that you'd really want to help those inmates who really need to be locked up, such as serial murderers and really sick and sociopathic individuals, those who don't have a conscience. But those kind are not the majority, not by a long shot. Like you said, prison just hampers progress. When you look at a prison, and go through the visiting procedures, and all that, it just doesn't make any sense whatsoever. The U.S. has the greatest number of prisons in the world. In Holland, they do not put people in prison unless they are really hardened criminals, and even then, the maximum is 2 years. And guess what, there is no where near the crime there anyway. Their system doesn't allow for poverty, racism, sexist thinking, power hungry officials or citizens. It is in their constitution that no one shall go hungry, homeless, jobless, or destitute. It's a completely different way of doing things. Therin lies the key, I think. And here, those in power think that all these prisons are solving a problem. It's so absurd. I'm seriously thinking of starting a program that is multifaceted, but is a program for families of offenders. Support groups for families, for those inmates just out of prison, job assistance, information and referral, and a component that works on legislation for alternatives to prison. I have wanted to start my own program for a long time, I just hadn't decided the focus. A program like this is badly needed, especially in North Carolina. What my dream is would be to have it catch on in other places as well. First things first, however, I have to take a couple of brush up courses in non profit program management, grant writing, and program evaluation.
This experience has shown me quickly that there is a dire need for a lot of programs. The most important component will be, of course, advocating for change in the justice system.
God Bless!
Marsha

Can't chat long, but That's a very good Idea Marsha...Good luck. Thank you for your prayers, you too Donna.
Well the round table thing went down the tubes. The Main Manager chick said..."We're only hiring for Driving." WAY AGAINST THE LAW... What can we do when the discrimination is so blatant? I hope he gets a job at Mc. D's. Everyone in the house now has a job but him... more added pressure.
I wish I can chat more, but class beckons.
You're in My Prayers, all of you.
Kim

Hi Everyone...
My name is Monica and my husband (Wayne) has been incarcerated at Kilby Correctional Facility in Mount Meigs, Alabama for one week. It already seems like a lifetime. He has to go before the parole board for possible violations and could do anything from come home soon to spending 8 years (the remainder of an earlier sentence) locked-up. The not knowing is driving us both crazy. I've already gotten 3 letters and 2 phone calls from him and he sounds so depressed.

I hired a lawyer for him today, to argue his case before the parole board - my husband seemed to think it would help.

I live 300 miles away from Kilby - in another state at that. My family and friends don't understand why I'm sticking by him. I feel so lost without him and can't talk about it with them. They don't have a clue about what we're going through and the concept that I can't stop loving him because he's locked up. I refuse to turn my back on him now.

I came across this site tonight, in an attempt to find some words of wisdom from somebody who has been there. Thank you for being so open and honest with what you're going through. You never know who might find a little strength in your words. I know I don't feel so alone anymore.

I'll keep you posted on what's going on with Wayne and me.

Thanks again,
Monica

Hi Marsha,
Advocating change is a commendable idea but I'm afraid two major factors are working against it. The politicians and news services have the average person scared to death of crime. Most people think the rate of violent crime is going up. It's not! Being "Tough on Crime" has gotten more politicians elected and reelected than any other issue. The second factor is the Prison-Industrial Complex. Incarceration is a huge and growing business. Need to create jobs in an out-of-the-way corner of Southwest Nowhere? Build a prison!

Those factors need to change before rehabilitation and justice can prevail.
Love,
Donna

Hi Monica,
Welcome to a sorority in which no one wanted to qualify for membership. I understand precisely what you're going through, not knowing what's ahead. Just take it one day at a time. Good luck with the parole hearing! Nobody who's not living through what we are understands it. Tune out well meaning friends and family members who advise you to "get on with your life." It's YOUR LIFE - not theirs! Live it the way you need to! I'm not sure how much wisdom you'll find here. What you will find is people who understand and care. No one here has a hidden agenda, an ax to grind or anything to sell. We're all just trying to get by with a little help from our friends.
Love,
Dona

Donna,

Thank you. I appreciate your words. I talked to my husband yesterday afternoon and he actually sounded better - not so depressed. He told me that on Friday was moved from the processing area to a regular dorm and now he gets to smoke! I think the lack of nicotine had stressed him greatly! He was also glad to hear I had followed through with hiring a lawyer - and he said I hired the "right guy." I want him home but I am so afraid to get my hopes up. It's that feeling of walking on eggshells - I want to be optimistic, and believe that the Parole Board will see the man I see and send him home.

Hearing his voice yesterday was bittersweet. I love the "realtime" communication, but it makes me miss him even more.

Thanks again - for just listening.

Monica

Hey Donna, thanks so much for your response. You are right, of course, and those are things that really get me angry. People look to the media as truth and don't even see what's behind most of the media: money, power, greed and sensationalism. Certianly not the truth. And the other issue of making money out of prisons, yes, I have seen this trend and it makes me sick. Things are done so backwards in this country I can't believe it. Just let one of these drones who sit by the tv believing in everything and waving their flag have one of their loved ones incarcerated, then I bet their whole tune will change rapidly.
I know what I'm up against. And I'm not even sure I can do it. But if I don't try, what can I say about myself? For all of us who are out there, for all who have loved ones and husbands in prison, for all those whose families have become devastated, there must be a way of turning the tide. With God's help, I'm willing to try. With Love and with hope, because Love is the key that unlocks all doors, and prison is a place of little love. God Bless!
Monica, I wish you a lot of hope and prayers. I am a big believer in God's help, and that things happen the way they are suppose to. Not always the way we want to. That is a hard one for most of us. My husband won't be home for 3 years at least, and the prisons in North Carolina are tough places to be. This is the bible belt, and they don't believe in too much mercy. (ironically enough)
I go through each day one at a time, because that is the only way to do it. I get to visit him one day a week for two hours only. It's hard. I keep praying and staying busy. That is also another thing, to stay busy as much as possible so as not to dwell on things. Take care, and May God Bless you.

Marsha

Hello ladies, Monica welcome.
Well, he GOT A JOB!!!!! So that means he can stay and we can schedule TCL (temporary community Leave) time. It has to be on his days off, and I HAVE to be home with him...which means I have to do some quick thinking to get the days off that he has off.
Monica... Marsha's right....STAY BUSY. Going back to school saved my sanity. I don't think I ever told any body here, but when this all began last year, I was sleeping in the closet. It was about the size of his cell (it's a small WALK-IN)...I built a nest in there. I still have all his drawings he sent me taped to the walls in there. You have to stay busy, keeps your mind off of the emptiness. Also, WRITE HIM EVERY DAY!! I did in the beginning, then I started to get numb, and I stoped writing almost all together because I didn't want to deal with the emotions it brought up. He needed me to write him every day. There is so much negativity in there that 1 letter from a loved one does wonders for their mind.
Donna, how are you holding up? Any word on those conjugal visits? I think it's stupid for people to take away visits...I mean how are they "supposed to come out reformed and all 'people-friendly'" if we don't give them LOVE?

Anyways, gotta go to class,
LOVE YOU ALL...MONICA Welcome to a place that doesn't judge, we offer many shoulders to cry, laugh, and lean on. All my prayers to all of you, and thank you all so much for praying for him to get a job.
KIM

Hi Kim,
BRAVO in your husband getting a job! I'm so happy for you. Good luck scheduling your days off! Perhaps you can convince your boss you need them for "mental health" days! ;-)) Still waiting for the interview to discuss our conjugals. I heard they're having financial problems with whatever they're doing to the rooms so they've put the work on hold! Maybe we wives need to offer to lend a hand with construction or chip in financially...?! As for withholding visits making people less "people friendly"- it's working fine for us! I'm getting to the point where I could stangle someone!
Love, Donna

Hi Marsha,
Government can't fix the fundamental problems of our society; illiteracy, lack of universal access to medical care, affordable prescriptions, school drop-outs, etc. so they attack the "crime problem" to divert attention from their failures. Regarding your statement "if I don't try, what can I say about myself?" I agree that we must strive to make things better in any way we can. One of my favorite sayings: "It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness." Perhaps we should all do BOTH!
Love, Donna

I remember back in the beggining of December, I felt so pissed off all the time, I thought I was going to kill people... sometimes I'd snap at the cat for no reason... it had been 6 months of no actual touching my husband. I don't mean holding hands doesn't ease some pain...but I believe people can go crazy if they don't get to at least be held by the people they love. Those 3 days for our family visit helped ease my anger as well as his.
I'm praying for a speedy contstruction on those rooms.

--> I have a question: Okay, the prison took 1 month to send back a hard cover book...the mailing address it says it came from was D yard...inside the main prison...my husband was OUTSIDE in E yard, and The Mailroom is way on the outside by some warehouse. The book came back looking like it had been read. I sent him a "Sex" book(for fun) and I think they sent it around to be read. Do I go straight to the warden and complain or what? Who do I take up this issue with?
Opppssssiiieee......Class. I'm late
Love you all
Kim

Hi Kim, Nothing soothes like a loving touch. There's no substitute for it. About the book; the Chinese philosopher Sun Tzu taught "choose your battles carefully. Only fight when you can win." I'd avoid stirring them up at this point.

Love, Donna

Hi All...

It's another sleepless night and I wanted to take a minute and check in. Still no word on when my husband will go before the Parole Board. Argh! The waiting and not knowing is killing me! I can only imagine what it's doing to him.

Have any of you ever dealt with parole boards. I know they vary from state-to-state, but I was wondering what to expect. Here's the breakdown on where he stands now:

The charges that were pending against him have all been dropped. He has no new convictions or charges pending. His original conviction was for a non-violent crime (for which he got 20 years and served 6 of) and he was out for 6 years without any violations. He has a job, a home, and positive letters from his employer, parole officer, county sheriff, my family, etc. Plus I've hired a lawyer to represent him at his hearing. Also, is there anything else I can do to help him, as far as this hearing goes?

My mother says I am obsessing over this ordeal and I guess I am. She says I need to turn it over to the attorney and let him do his job. Maybe she's right.

It's a long story, but I feel guilty for him being there. I fear I am driving myself crazy. I have prayed and prayed and will continue to pray, not only for Wayne and me, but for all of you and your mates.

Thank you all for your help.
Monica

Hi Monica,

You're probably not "obsessing." It's natural to think about a situation like yours a lot because so much is riding on the outcome. Keep picturing a positive outcome. You'll feel better and that will make Wayne feel better, too. Try not to stay on a guilt trip. The past is the past. It can't be altered. Learn from it if there's a lesson in it but don't waste your energy and attention on things over which you no longer have any control. Let it go. Make room for some happiness.

Love, Donna

Thanks Donna...

I talked to the lawyer today and he's meeting with Wayne on Tuesday. The following Tueday (April 9th) is Wayne's hearing. The Parole Board had "lost" Wayne's paperwork and didn't even have him down for a hearing - so the lawyer got it all worked out.

Today has been a much better day and I guess I am learning to accept the situation, that I am powerless over it all, and I have to let go of the guilt I feel. Continue to keep us in your prayers and I'll do the same.

Thanks for everything -
Monica

Hi Monica,

It seems your lawyer if earning his or her money! I'm glad you feel better. Depression is bad for your sprit and your health. Remember, you can choose to let things over which you have no control bother you, or you can let them pass. Devote your strength to things you can change.

Love,
Donna

Hello Everyone,

My boyfriend is currently in a federal facility serving 65 months for a probation violation. He has 3 more years to go. It's very difficult without him but I'm coping. I have a website dedicated to our relationship. http://pages.ivillage.com/daddiesgirl2000/convictions Please visit when you can.

Hi Denise,

I visited your site. You did a nice job! Three years is a long time but it will pass. Knowing that every day definitely brings you one day closer to being together has to be comforting.

Love,
Donna

Donna, He's coming Home tommorrow...for the day, but still......HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!!
Next week we're planning a 24 hour pass, that way we can hold eachother at night. I miss that so much. In the middle of the night I'd wake up to him searching for me... kinda whimpering in his sleep till he'd find me, then he'd pull me to him saying with a sigh.."KIM" That was always so cool. There was even this one time when my friend spent the night and I hung out with her in the living room and he was asleep in our room... I guess he was doing his nightly unconscience search and couldn't find me; cuz he started calling out loud in a frantic voice for me. My friend kinda thought that was weird.
I love it. I have never had any one Love me that much. Deep in his soul he loves me soo much that he looks for me as a comfort... as well as I, him.
We truly are soul mates.
Hope and love to all of you, Prayers as well.
Kim

Hi Kim,

I'm absolutely thrilled for you! I hope things continue to go well for both of you. Keep us informed so we can enjoy your good fortune with you!

Love,
Donna

I recently found out that my boyfriend of ten years/father of my three children was successfully going on with someone else and to find out brought out violence of him and it got bad but I never wanted him to face these serious charges, can anyone give me any type of advise that may reduce his sentence?

Hello Kim and Donna,

I'm glad to hear of your good fortune, Kim. I am glad that things are working out for you. Hey there Donna, how's things? Any recent 'developments?'
I just wanted to say Hi and God Bless you all...

Marsha

Hi Oooteca,

Did he assault you or someone else? If you were the victim, work with his lawyer to develop a strategy to minimize the problem. Remember, though, if he assaulted you once, he's likely to do it again. Those situations almost always get worse unless the abuser gets help and counseling. You need to be concerned about your safety and welfare of yourself and the kids.

Love,
Donna

Hi Marsha,

Yes, there's been a development. He told me he his little tramp counselor did something. Now I'm free to do something, too. I haven't but I'm thinking about it.

Love,
Donna

Well the first visit was awesome!! He came home we played on the playstation, we watched some movies, I cooked Ham, and we held eachother.. and other things.... ;-p
This Friday we have a 24hr pass scheduled. We did learn something though.... we have to re-learn eachother. Re-bond, it was a little awkward, he felt like he didn't fit in, and was in the way... I felt like I was walking on eggshells trying to help him fit in. But from now on, I will be there for every visiting hour, and I walk him home from work twice a week. My marriage is my top priority...f..k school and work. My job doesn't pay the bills anyways. And jobs will be lost and added all my life, but I will only have 1 husband.
Donna, thanks for all your help. You truly are an inspiration.
To all...LOVE DOES BEAT ALL! JUST HANG IN THERE IF YOUR BOTH TRULY IN LOVE YOU'LL MAKE IT! THEY CAN TAKE OUR FREEDOM, BUT THEY CAN'T TAKE OUR HOPE AND DIGNITY!!!
Kim

Kim,

*clapping my hands* WAY TO *GO*, GIRL!

Love,
Donna

Hello ladies, I am married to a man who has a life sentence. I have only been doing this for a year. I have known my husband for quite a long time, but we only begun dating (if you can call it that...Ha-Ha) and got married while he was in prison, so we do not know what it is like to be together on a daily basis. That I think has its good and bad points. And since we live in Ca, there are no family visits for us. I only live 45 minutes from where he is now, and I go to see him mostly every weekend. I am lucking in the fact that the phone calls are not too bad, and that I get to see him as often as I do. He is truly my sanity. We both believe in God, and we make sure to always read the bible and pray ... I believe that God has a purpose for everyone, and one day we might know what that purpose is. I know that I am pretty new at this, and that hard times will come...but I will do my best with all that I have been given, for as unseemly as it may seem I have been truly blessed in many things. Robin

I have browsed through this site and many of your comments for the past month and I finally have the courage to share my story with you all since we all are in similar situations. My husband is incarcerated and has been for the past two years. he has a 5 to 10 sentence. I hope and pray that he gets work release next year. I am left to take care of our four children. This is one of the most difficult situations that I have ever been in. I never thought that one day, I would be in this situation. It is very tough but I have vowed to stay by his side. This support group is very good and important to me, especially since I have few friends and have no one to talk to about my situation. I will keep all of you in my prayers and thank you in advance to whoever hears me.

Hello antki2 and welcome. (( )) hugs
we are here to help you vent, hear your pain and rejoice when good things happen for you.
I'll pray that he gets work release too. Life is hard for us women, but it does get better some day.

Ladies, I had a first hand encounter with Sensory Shock.
I took Bobby out to dinner for our over night TCL (Temporary Community Leave) It was like he was on a dry tweek. He was very nervous and actually was waiting for somebody to come by and try to take his chair. (No joke donna) He even told our waitress that she was looking at an inmate. Luckily she had once had a boyfriend in prison so she understood. And when the check came... we had been randomly selected to give the restraunt an audit so a manager came out to explain what it meant. He was a big burly guy in a suit with the black bill book, and the ticket sticking out of it. Bobby said really loudly "Oh my god it's a cop!" We left after only 20 minutes there, and we went to get a movie from the movie store. They didn't have the movie we wanted so we went to the mall to get it... mistake....
To many colors and bright lights...he kept repeating very fast... I gotta get out of here, too bright, to much, gotta get outta here."
It was hard to understand, but since I had read about it, I was prepared for it.
I went to my first NA meeting last night with him.
I need to learn to see it from his perspective. I saw a pregnant lady there... my thought was "how sad... another crank baby being born" I told him and he said.."what's sad about a woman trying to stay healthy for her kid?" I gotta change my paradigm on this... think outside the box. It's hard for me, but I'm here for my soul mate to help him beat this or deal with it. Gotta go to class, Kim

Thanks for the kind welcome Kim. I really apprecite it.
I'm glad that you are able to be with your husband without all of the supervision or being limited to a visiting room. My husband and I talk about life after prison often and we believe that it is going to take some real adjusting for all of us. My husband and I got married last year during his incarceration and the Reverend told us that ironically, prison marriages tend to last because we are already starting off in an unfortunate situation. Therefore, if we can get through this, we should be able to get through anything together. I always remember that when I get down. Good luck to you ladies.

Hello, my husband just recently got incarcerated for an assault. He assaulted a man who had assaulted me and now he is to serve 17 months. We have 3 beautiful children and this is already so very hard on us. I blame myself everyday for where he is at. I do get to talk to him on the phone once a week and we write letters all the time. Haven't gotten to see him yet due to the waiting on the approval of vistors applications. I miss him horrible and find it very difficult to go on everyday. I had become so dependent on him. I had the luxury of being a stay at home mother and hadn't worked in years. I have now gotten a very good job and love it but miss my girls during the day. I know that we will all make it through this it is just agonizing waiting and knowing he won't be out for over a year. I feel for every woman in here who is going through this same ordeal and especially for those whose husbands are gone for a lot longer my prayers are with all of you. If any one would like to chat to me my email is PaulaDavenport76@msn.com

Hello antki2, I got married earlier this year to my husband who is currently serving a life sentence, and all with the paperwork that I filled out it said that a majority of prison marriages dont work out. I was glad to read that your reverend had a different opinion. But I believe he is right...we are already starting out in a unfortunate situation...I guess you can honestly say that it dosent get much worse than this...LOL...I will be praying for you and your husband that he will also get a work release...unfortunately mine is more like a waiting game.

Hey Ladies! Hi Donna.
So how is everyone? I'm doing ok. Bobby comes home every friday through saturday morning now. I attend 1 NA meeting a week with him now...On friday I got all mushy and I think I spooked him a little. We were laying on the bed and he had fallen asleep while holding me. We had been watching movies. There I was being held by my soul mate. I started to just sit there and take in all the sensory input I could... his breathing, the warmth of his skin against mine...his smell. I started to cry. I couldn't help it. I had taken all these things for granted when he was here... now I miss it so much and I never ever want it to go away again. He woke up to me crying... he thought he had done something wrong. he still doesn't really get it. Everything is going good. His cat still hates him, but I guess that'll be worked on with time.
Donna, hows life?
Gotta Go ladies.
Keep the faith!

Hi Ladies,
My love one is in LOMPOC, CA, and I was wondering if somebody is in the same situation...hours of flying, hotel rooms etc...
Thank you.

does anybody have a lovedone in mc alester okla. prison

Dear Kim,

It makes my heart happy to know that you get to spend such quality time together. I do know how you feel in the fact of the feelings that you have just being near your man ... for even though my husband is no where near allowed the freedom of yours, but it is great altogether the time that we do get to spend together. I hope that both of you are doing real well, and that he gets to come home for good really soon. Robin

Thank you Robin. 66 days left. It's scary, but very very very joyous. I'm really glad that we get this time to get to know eachother again, before he comes back home. That'll make it so much easier to go from being by myself to having him back. We are getting back into our old groove. The joking around, the games of Slug Bug...I hadn't been touched in 9 months, it was really hard not to flinch everytime he would poke me or tickle me, or touch me. He's even feeling more relaxed in the home. Hopefully everytihng will go well; I know it will... it's just hard to know for sure. My faith and trust in him is restored 100% though. He is My Bobby again.
Gotta go ladies,
Have faith.
Kim

HAPPY BELATED MOTHERS DAY TO ALL OUR MOM'S OUT THERE. HOPE IT WAS A DECENT ONE.

My husband has been in and out of prison in Iowa for the past 7 years. This last stretch has been 11 months so far and in the process I have lost our house and car, and am being kept from visiting him because of some snag in the system. The stress on me is horrendous, especially not being able to see him. I am so glad that I have found these resources, as its helped me tremendously. I am thankful I have a friend out here who is going through the same thing, and that her husband and mine are in the same cell block, she is my support and I love her. We have kept each other hanging in there. I miss him and I miss us. My son is so young and doesnt understand where daddy went and he cant see him either. My heart goes out to each of you, as I too feel your pain

DONNA!!!! I GOT A BANK JOB!!! $7.50 an hour....That means that I finally can pay bills and Bobby only has 54 days left.
I also passed all my classes with B's!
I'm so happy right now.

Dear Kim, I am glad to hear about all of your success. I hope everything keeps going good for you. Robin

HI I WAS LOOKING FOR ANYONE THAT HAS A LOVED ONE IN THE OXFORD WISCONSIN FEDERAL PRISON? MY HUSBAND IS THERE AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF ANYONE ELSE KNOWS ABOUT PLACES TO STAY WHEN YOU VISIT THERE SINCE IT IS OUT OF TOWN. ANY INFO. WOULD BE APPRECIATED.THANK YOU YOU CAN E MAIL ME AT MARJOHAR1@AOL.COM

Hello everyone!
I am a wife whose husband is incarcerated in a Michigan prison. Is there anyone out there from Mich? I give you ladies a lot of credit. I'm not sure how to handle all of this. Any advice & friends would be great!

Hello Ladies,
I am looking for some real info about the visits at the FCI in PHOENIX, AZ. If somebody visits there please let me know. Also, does anybody go to LOMPOC, CA for visits???

Hi, This is my first post. I want to tell you that I am so happy to find this site I am nearly in tears. My husband has only two more years to go til he maxes out. I keep thinking only this summer, one more winter, and another summer and then it will be time to get ready for him to come home. I just skimmed through some of the posts and I feel right at home here with all of you. We share the same problems, hopes, fears, etc. I feel like we are all sisters. I would love to hear from any of you, I have been feeling so absolutely alone lately.

sboonefarm I am in Michigan too. I tried to e-mail you but the computer won't do it for some reason, so please e-mail me.

Hello everyone,
This is my first posting. I have read all the posting listed here and feel like I already know some of you. Kim, you are an inspiration to me. Donna, my heart goes out to you. I was living with my boyfriend who had full custody of his 2 year old son. The biological mother had abused the baby at 6 mos. and had supervised visits a few times a month. Basically I became the full time mommy. At this time my fiance, 2 years later was convicted of selling meth, and obstruction of justice. I married him the day before we went to a court hearing for custody. We awaited sentencing for a year. After spending 25,000 for an attorney on credit cards, he got 108 months (9 years) in the federal system. The biomom was able to go unsupervised now because of fathers absence. 6 months later the biomom sued me for custody. It was to be a week long jury trial. All attorneys I contacted wanted a 25,000 down payment for representation. God found me an attorney for 5,000 after much anguish and searching, that I could pay off monthly. The jury found me to be the better parent and the child has continued to live with me, and the biomom gets visits. My son is now 8 1/2. It has been 3 1/2 years since he left and I am so angry at him for leaving me to deal with all the pressures of life, his x-wife, bills,etc. He knows I am angry but we talk everyday and end up laughing about it. He originally was in a camp 5 hours away, but he just got a transfer 1 hour away to a minimum. He went through a little culture shock but is doing ok. I have been able to somewhat keep our lifestyle, BY THE GRACE OF GOD. My husband received 2 1/2 years off and is now trying to get 1 more year off for taking a drug treatment class in the minimum. Right now we are looking at 24 more months to the halfway house or 12 months if he gets the year off. To all you brave women out there it can be done! Pray, Pray, Pray, it does get easier as time passes. The emptiness and loniness has not lessened but you become acustomed to the pain. I plan on visiting this site often over the next 2 years so please offer any input you can.
God Bless!

Hello everyone! Reading all your messages has given me some relief in knowing that I am not in this alone. My finacee has been gone for 5 months now and this is so hard. Sometimes I wonder how I got into this situation. I know that there is no stopping it now I love him very much and will do whatever it takes to get through this. My family and many of my friends do not understand why I am waiting for him. It is hard not to have their support when I need it the most. I try so hard to be strong but it is hard to keep up the faith. I get to see him once a month and I am scared to death of what my phone bill will look like. Love isn't supposed to hurt like this. Is there anyone in colo or anywhere who would chat with me??? THANKS!!!

Hi Ginger,
I am not in Colorado, but in Texas. I relate to how you feel. I never thought I would end up in a situation like this, NEVER!! So here I am dealing with it. Just as the others mentioned most of the old friends are gone and this is probably a good thing. Who needs friends like that. The friends I have now and the couple left from before support my decision to stay with my man. For the last 3 1/2 years I only saw my husband every 6 months. How long did your fiance get? Stay busy and time will go by faster. Remember God never gives you more than you can handle. Keep the faith!

HI EVERYBODY, I AM STILL LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY WHO HAS A HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND IN LOMPOC, CA. AND IF ANYBODY HAS INFO ABOUT THE FED-PRISON IN PHOENIX,AZ . THANK YOU FOR YOUR ANSWERS.

Hello to you all, you have given me hope when I need it the most. My husband is in prison in Jackson, Ga. He has been incarcerated since Feb. 18th, 2002. He was originally in Rome, Ga. where we lived, then transferred. He has one year to serve. I have been so alone, even though I have family support. It is good to know that there are others going thru the same thing. We will be married 6 years in July, and have 3 beautiful children. Hunter is 6, Preston is 19 mos., and Hannah is 7 weeks. He has not yet held his baby girl. In Jackson, an inmate has to be there for 6 weeks before any visits are allowed. My husband only got to call the hospital once, and did not get to attend her birth. I have been thru a lot, and what hurts me the most is seeing my children be without him. Preston is still just a baby, he was daddy's boy too. He picks up his play phone and says "da da" and pretends to talk to him. I can tell him to talk to his sister and he says the same thing as if he's explaining to her why daddy's gone. I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up from this nightmare soon, but I never do. My husband was sentenced under a mandatory minimum law, even though he has never been in any trouble before. I appreciate you all for listening to me, and for sharing your feelings also. I love my husband with all my heart, and will be here waiting for him. We have had to go on government assistance because of this, I could not work because of complications of the pregnancy, and then birth of our daughter. My husband was screwed, they offered him a plea, and he did not take it, so they gave him 12 years to serve one, and the rest on probation. Anyone wanting to talk, give me an email anytime, I use my sisters screen name because I stay with her for now, it's her computer. Again, thank you all.

Hi Michelle,
Thanks for sharing your story with us. My heart goes out to you and your family. Your children are young enough that they won't really remember daddy being gone though. Your oldest will remember but later in life it will just be something that happened briefly for him. My husband left when his son had just turned 5 and is scheduled to be home in the fall of 2004. I pray he gets home in time to bond with his son before puberty kicks in. Be strong and pray every day. Each day is one day closer to him being home.

Donna, Are you still around? How are you doing?
Bobby is coming home so soon. It's very frustrating and exciting, and scary for both of us. He keeps thinking I have expectations. My only 2 are that he comes home to stay and never do drugs again.
How is every thing?
Gotta go pick him up now...he's coming home for 26.5 hrs. Love you all and praying for you all.
Kim

I need to have your opinion! I sent an overnight mail to my love one in Federal prison last tuesday. It arrived (I verified it) on wednesday. Today, saturday, he still did not get it. They are holding it for no reason just because ! this is unacceptable ! Can I write to somebody there? who ? Are they going to retaliate him for it? what is the procedure regarding a complaint? Please, anybody, answer me. Thank you.

I'm not sure why they would hold it. The only time that they held anything from my boyfriend was when they decided to send it back to his mom. It was a third party letter. You should call the prison and ask for the mailroom or his counselor. If you write to them, you may not get a response for a long time. They also may be holding it just for security reasons to look through it. He won't get in trouble for you asking questions. I'm not sure that I can be of anymore help...I hope you find out something soon.

Thank you Denise for your answer. I get so frustrated sometimes with THEM. We do everything by the rules, and THEY always make things difficult. He made a mistake, he is serving his time, he lost his freedom but it seems that it is not enough for THEM...anyway, I called his counselor as you suggested and she said that they handle overnight mail like normal mail, no point on spending money for him to have it quicker...
Have a good day.

I know there are a lot of kims here...I am kimmie from New Mexico and now Georgia, where my hubbie was transported to in Feb. He was finally released this past Friday and cleared of all the charges his daughter made against him. Praise God! It is my prayer for all of you that are waiting that you will be strengthened and encouraged. God does love you. Be blessed.

Hello All. This is day 2 of a 2 year incarceration for my husband. I guess like everything time helps. I am a newcomer to USA from Australia we were married in October 2001. We knew there was a possibilty of this happening but it didnt prepare me for this lonliness. I am still trying to learn the cultural differeces here in your country. I will stay here and try to hold our home together for when he comes home. We live in middle Tennessee Thank you for this wonderful site

Hello Sue,
I am sorry to hear of your loss. It is definently hard in the beginning. My suggestion to you is to stay busy doing things and not be alone. Our home was very empty for me after my husband left 3 1/2 years ago. I started to take an interest in gardening, church, extra job, etc. Is your husband located near you in TN or do you have to travel to see him? How long have you been in the US? I will keep you lifted up in prayer.

Good day Janine
Yes it is hard but I do realise it's early days My husband was in the county jail until today ...they have taken him to Nashville now about 2 hours away awaiting a placement somewhere else.
I have only been in USA since Sept 2001
I am reading my "One day at a Time" book and trying to do the twelve steps again
Thanks for your reply I admire and hope to build up the strength that comes through all the women on this site Thank you all very much I will be coming to this site daily
Sue

LADIES HELP ME!!!
He comes home for good in 13 days 16 hours.
The what if's are starting back up. I know he's back to being my Bobby, and that relapse isn't an option...but it wasn't last time either. I'm stressed over it. I don't want to tell him cuz I don't want to add any pressure on him. I really need him home, but at the same time I've had my own space for a year now. To give a blunt, but funny example.. I've been able to fart and burp without having to exuse myself for a year now. You know all the things you do when you are alone. Now he's coming back and it'll be US.
Which is a good thing, it's a great thing... but It's scary and awkward, and just ...UGH.. I don't know stressful. In less than two weeks Life will fall back together with a crash. It was ripped away so quickly, and just as quickly thrown back. I guess it helps that he's been in town and we see eachother almost every day, and he comes home once a week. That helps...I don't know, at a time I should be so thrilled...which I am...I'm also so scared. What if the pressure is too much for him again? Will he go back to drugs yet again? And if he does... do I have the strength in me to walk away from him? He's my soul mate but I will not do this again. This whole year would've been for knought.
Like I said ladies Help!!!!
I need to breathe... I need to ground and center, meditate, pray...something.

Almost Home again and scared.

Hello to all..My name is Angela My husband is in the Ramsey Unit in Rosharon Texas, I am not sure about all this junk..He had just had a double By-pass heart surgery when they put him in TDC.I miss him so bad, I havent gotten to visit cause they keep moving him around..He is to stay where he is now for a while if anyone has anyone there please email me-- caveswoman@aol.com I would love to talk to others also feel free to write this all drives me crazy I know he has to be going nuts himself.

Hi Kim. I think that by the time to read this, your man might already be home. I am in the same situation in terms of what happens when he comes home.??? I don't know when my b/f will be coming home, but I am scared that he will relapse too. What if he does??? That is so scary to think about. But, I guess all you can do is have faith in him. When my b/f went in for his original crime, he did a little over 2 years. Well, about 5 months after getting out, he was using again. So, in my thinking, if he couldn't stay clean after 2 years of being locked up, what is going to keep him clean now? I guess you just have to wait and see how he handles things. Good luck to you and keep us posted. And, congrats on him coming hom!!! I can't wait for that day!

hello eveyone, it has been a while since i left a message. it is so funny, here it is 3 years later and nothing has changed my husband is still not home and i am being to wonder if his seven year sentence has turned into life. my husband is in the goree unit in texas.we are both still so young and i do not know if that makes things harder or just more confussing. most of my friends are going to school and having children. i feel sometimes that my life is on hold because of my husband's foolishness,then i think of how selfish i am being however i am the one that has to work 80 hours a week to pay all the bills and keep myself afloat. please do not get me wrong i love my husband with all my heart and i would not trade him for the world i just wish that we could be spending this time together. my husband about 2 years ago made a friend in prison that had a wife that lived in waco tx. where i am from.this worked out well because are husband where getting out around the same time however that fell through her husband was released on friday so today was my first time in 2 years to make the drive by myself. i felt that i had no one as i cried on the way home. no one seems to understand like someone going through the same thing. i love this community and everyone in it because you are my hope that everything will turn out just the way god plans...thank you
you can e-mail me at inmate900439@aol.com

Hi all. Just wondering if any of you have loved ones in Michigan prisons? Does anyone have any idea of how the Michigan parole board works? I have heard that they can be pretty tough, and no one gets out on their first time up. My boyfriend just recently talked a guy from the board, and he said he was going to recommend 6 months. I am wondering if any of you know how often the parole board actually goes with a recommendation? I have heard from my b.f who has heard from alot of the guys in there, they are all looking at one year (for parole violations). Since that is what my b/f is in for, I am wondering why they recommended six months. Are they just playing with us??? :) (I think they get a kick out of it!)I think they are going to go with the six months, but then when he comes up again, they are going to hang on to him. If thats the case, I wish they would just say "one year" right off the bat. Saying six months is just setting us up for a let down. Ok-that's all. How is everyone doing??? :)

JENI-
I DO NOT KNOW HOW YOU STATE IS HOWEVER HERE IN TEXAS...THEY DO NOT PAROLE THEM THE FIRST TIME...THEY SET THEM OFF FOR ONE YEAR. IT HAS BEEN MY EXPERIENCE THAT AFTER THE 1ST YEAR THEY REVIEW THERE CASE AGAIN...MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN IN PRISON HERE FOR 3 YEARS AND THIS IS THE 3RD TIME HE HAS NOT BEEN RELEASED...HE DOES EVERYTHING THAT THEY TELL HIM BUT THEY KEEP LETTING US DOWN...FOR ME AT HAS BEEN EASIER TO JUST LOOK AT IT LIKE THIS THEY CAN NOT KEEP HIM FOREVER HE DOES HAVE A RELEASE DATE......SO IN THE MEAN TIME I HAVE TO JUST SET UP MY LIFE FOR HIM TO BE HOME IN 4 YEARS AND IF HE GETS OUT SOONER THAT IS GREAT NO WONDERFUL.IT IS HARD BUT I ALSO UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS OUT OF MY CONTROL AND IT IS BETWEEN GOD AND THE PAROLE BAORD.TAKE CARE
HEAVEN

LADIES, HE'S BEEN HOME SINCE THE VERY SECOND OF THE 16TH...12:01AM. IT'S BEEN GREAT, HE IS VERY SCARED...BUT HE DOES TRY VERY HARD TO NOT GET OVERWHELMED. WHEN HE DOES...HE TELLS ME SORRY, AND WE talk OUT OUR DISAGREEMENT!!!

It's so great having him home. ONE DAY AT A TIME.

We are trying to fuse back together. It's sooooo cooool!

Keep the faith Ladies....Normalcy is around the corner someday soon.

Kim

Hello everyone!!
Kim, I am sooo happy for you. Please keep us all posted so we know what to expect. Well we got good news yesterday. I have been writing letter after letter to try and get my husbands sentence reduced. He had a charge that should not have been on his record that kept him from taking a drug treatment class that reduces your sentence by a year. YIPEEEE it worked, he got the year off. They told him it was a mistake on the sentencing papers and that he was eligible for the year off all along. Crazy! I guess if I hadn't tried to get it fixed they would have never told us. How many other inmates is this happening to? This makes it only 15 more months ladies. 3 1/2 behind us. I ask my self "how did I ever make it this far?" God is the only answer I can come up with. Keep the faith ladies. Take care.

Hi everyone.
I live in Dayton, OH and my- I call him husband but we never made it to our wedding- will be extradited to VA next week. I am devastated- he's got 1- 20 years on the shelf... conspiracy to theft and grand larceny ( he got into a car that the owner had left running to go in a store, took off with it and left it after 3 minutes). I have no idea about these laws, etc.- I have moved here from Germany 3,5 years ago. What will happen from here on?
I have two kids fom my first marriage, one from him and expecting another one in November. I got to talk to him one last time today and we tried to agree on baby-names, because we know we will not get to talk to eachother for a very long time- at least, until I can finally afford a cheap vehicle to drive the 300 plus miles back and forth in one day.
It feels like hell! I feel so bad for him and the kids- what are they thinking, how sad are they REALLY, etc.
It is good to know there is a place like this one- because it helps to know that there are a lot of women going through the same pain.
If anyone has any information on what to expect in our case, PLEASE let me know.
God bless you all!

Hi Ladies,
I come to this place from time to time to see if by any chances one of you go to Lompoc, US penitentiary for visits. My love one is there and I needed to talk to somebody who is going through the same thing. Another thing ! Does anybody know about the visits at the Phoenix US pen ?
Thank you for your answer.

Hey Janine...Glad to hear your good news. Right now, we're battling the DMV. Because he had a DUI charge with the Possesion...his license was suspended...The DMV for some reason didn't know he went to prison.. they apparently thought he was just taking his sweet time in getting his license back.. Now they want him to take a class, it's one big circle jerk... they didn't tell us about the class until after he went to get the SR-22 insurance...the insurance had a non-refundable amount to it...we had to cancel the insurance because he has to go to this stupid class...the class costs a lot of money... that we have to pay for. We are going to be out over $1000, just because the DMV thought Bobby took his sweet time to get this taken care of. The courts say it's DMV's fault, They say it's the Courts problem.

All in all, Bobby is doing very well...He's decided to quit smoking along with everything else... and sometimes the attitude comes out... but I'm very proud of him. His PO seems half-way decent.

Gotta go ladies.
Kim

PS...HAS ANYONE HEARD FROM DONNA? IT'S STARTING TO WORRY ME!

Hieveryone,it's me again....

I am sittinghere, reading messages-happy for the ones that are done / almost done going through this nightmare.

So far, my Love has only been in jail since we met three years ago- the longest was 5 months.
Now I'm facing a totally different situation...
1-20 years(weird), we will find out more when they finally sentence him.

I was wondering about all of you- how did/do you cope with it? Does life ever seem normal to you? Will there be a time when the pain isn't that bad anymore, so that time will not seem to creep by?
How do your kids cope with it?

Hi Tanya,
As a consolation to you the federal gov. wanted to give my husband 25 - life originally. (first time drug offender) We had a good attorney, expensive to, and he was sentenced to 9 years. It has been 3 1/2 and with a lot of hard work here on the outside to get his sentence reduced he will only be serving 4 1/2 - 5 years.

It was extremely hard at first, ya know being in the house alone, going places we had gone together, etc. I can only speak for me but it has gotten easier, after the 1st year or so. The pain lessens but the heartache does not. I got used to being alone. As for our son I am raising, he has been through a lot. We have cried together over Daddy, laughed together over Daddy, but most of all I try to keep him alive in our son's heart. Talk about the things we used to do together as much as I can, watch home movies, keep pictures of him and his father in his room, anything to help him remember. Our son was only 5 when he left and will be almost 10 when he returns. Try to stay busy as much as you can. Find a good church home and let them help you out. I have taken help in more ways than one from my church and they graciously give it.

Hi Tanya
My heart goes out to you my dear. I am not in any position to help you with the legalities as I am in the dark myself:) My husband is in prison in Tennessee He got 8 years at 20% but like yourself I am a new chum to this country too.We were married in Oct last year I only moved here permanently from Australia in Sept. We knew this could happen cause he was awaiting a trial date but he was out on bond for that time. He has only been in prison for about 5 weeks but I felt so alone and isolated I didn't even know my way around properly. We live 20 miles from town on 13 acres and I am still going through immigration to get a work permit. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is for you with children and pregnant with another. My prayers are for you Tanya.I have learnt one thing from this I have learnt how to pray . Something I knew nothing about before this.
Where in Germany did you live I have been there a couple of times.
Stay strong and keep in touch
Love Sue

Dear Sue and Janine,

first of all I thank you with all my heart.
It helps in some ways to know that there are others just like me.
Yeah- the legalities... so many things I don't know, so much confusion.How can a rapist get out serving less time than others, who have 'just'taken things. Of course I am not saying that my 'husband' shouldn't get punished...but yes, I am totally shocked!
To me, praying is also something I barely ever did. Now, I do it everytime I'm alone in a room.Not for miracles to happen, but for God to help him get through this! At least I have the advantage of not being separated from the kids-on the other hand,I have to raise them all by myself.I can't get a job, because the government will not help me with daycare for my oldest two children, because they're from Germany (Sue, by the way- I lived in Duesseldorf) and I had to escape my ex-husband, so I never had the chance to 'make' them US-citicens.Unfair, since I am one (my Dad's one and I was born here). But oh well- life will have to go on! All I hope for,is that some time from now the pain will not be as bad as it is now.

I am so glad to have found people who can relate!

Love,

Tanya

Tanya,
Speaking as someone who has just come out of a year long dark, lonely tunnel....Life isn't easy. You do learn to cope some how. I literly went crazy for the first few months he was in. I slept in our walk-in closet(it was the same size as his cell.) It helped a lot to keep writing in here. I found one person that helped me a lot...for a while there I think we were the only two people chatting everyday. The legalities will work out... have faith. I too never really prayed... then I prayed my one word prayer over and over and over "Please" That one word encompassed everything...please keep him safe, please keep me safe, please make time fly, please make him come home the man I married...the list goes on. On the other side--> Life is hard to adjust to...I was alone for a year.. now he's home and since he works graveyard...I either get to try to be real quiet, and have him grunt every two seconds, or I find errands to to all day long...I have to spend 3 days out of the week out of the house...which is very hard cuz all I wanna do is hold him. We argue over stupid little things...but this time we work it out.
All I'm saying...is that some day my life will even out and we'll be in-sinc again. Keep your chin-up.. keep the faith...Life has a way of working itself out...just believe.

And seriously ladies....Donna Parker....She used to write almost everyday....She met a lady...I think it was on here... that was in the exact same situation in the exact same prison and everything. She went to go meet her in person...and hasn't written since then. She's not answering her email...nothing.She's the one with her husband doing a no end sentence(no out date has ever been set) and he had a slut counselor...they made that pact...well She took up her side...and no she hasn't been back.

HAS ANYONE HEARD FROM DONNA PARKER IN THE PAST 2 MONTHS?

Hi Kim,

thank you for your words!

About Donna- I have been reading the posts you and her sent- all of a sudden she was gone!

If you have her personal e-mail adress and it's AOL, there is a chance to check if she even reads her mail.
Yes, I have to admit that your post got me orried- there are a lot of creeps out there...

Maybe you can use any kind of personal information to try to find out what's going on?
Do you have her phonenumber? Or maybe you know where she lives and her last name?
I would be glad to help!!!!

Tanya

Alas...I never really delved much... I have her last name, her email address...She lives on the east coast... I'd have to look back to see where... But what worries me was the context of our last personal conversation. She was going to meet someone to "ease" the stress of being away from her man. That worries me. As you have said...their are creeps out there... on both sides of the Gender fence.

I warned her to be careful... God I hope nothing went wrong.

I guess I could pry... for the sake of safety...right...I know I can get her actual # and address... but that goes against my rule of anominity.

sure- i understand, but you don't have to let her know it's you calling... on the other hand, why not???? You're worried!and now i'm worried, too!

I keep screwing up on her name.
It's Donna FORD. Oppsie
I'm checking the net now.

I found 8 in the white pages on the net. I went to US SEARCH and doing just the freebee stuff...I found about 18... I then narrowed it down by her approx. age. She once wrote me saying she was in her mid-thirties.
My friend in town said you can look her up by her email address. So I'm going to ask er how to do that.
I may have this whole thing solved in one way or another by the end of next week.
gotta go to work.


Wish me luck,
Kim

Hello ladies I have been building up the nerve to post so here goes. My husband is serving a 24yr to life sentence. He has been incarcerated since he was 18 yrs old he is now 28 to give you and idea of how long he has been in the system. I met my husband 2yrs ago through correspondence. I was twenty three at the time. I entered into this relationship thinking I knew what to expect but I had no idea. Thats not to say that I regret my choice to marry my husband because I don't. I'm just saying that its just so hard. Waiting is hard being strong when you feel so week is hard. Most of all being separated by thousand of miles is hard. He is in New York I am in Alabama. I get to see him once every three or four months on family reunion visits. Thats what they call the conjugal visits. I am fortunate in the fact that my mother who happens to be a prison guard fully excepts my husband and supports us. My mother always tells me that despite the cicumstances people who are incarcerated find themselves in they first and foremost are still human. She says alot of the guards that work there where she is forgets that sometimes. I have one friend who supports me . She is wonderfully encouraging but despite the advantages of having there support the feeling of despair sometimes creeps in. So its good to know that there is a support group here. I have read all of your stories and I want to say thanks for sharing . Kim I dont know you Donna, Marsha or any of you other brave women who have chosen this path but I can tell you I have never been more inspired to keep fighting for my love. Thank you all. I do want to leave a message for Donna. Of all the post I read she was the most touching nothing better than a supreme optimist Thank you, Thank you! You have cheered your ladies in waiting on even when you weren't feeling your best. I hope to visit here more often I cant wait to here from you all. God Bless you all !!

Sincerely

waiting4will

I have a dilemma that I would like some feed back on. While I have read many posting covering many issues, I have not seen one that covers and issue that has been on my mind since I married my husband a year ago. The issue is children. My husband has none but, very much wants them. I have read posting where children were present prior to the husbands incarceration but, none that I recall speaking on the issue of wether or not to bring them to this world and their father is incaarcerated. I think about it all the time and theres nothing more that I want than to have a family with my husband but, how fair is it to the children. I mean I can say I will wait until he comes home but Im 25yrs of age now and if his appeals don't come through there is still 15yrs left on his sentence. I'm not sure what the answer is but,I would love someone who has dealt with a similar dilemma to respond but, anyones response will do.

Sincerely


waiting4will

Hi everyone,
Good luck Kim in finding Donna, I will keep her in my prayers. Welcome to the site Waiting4will, and thanks for sharing. Praise God you have the suport of family members in your choice to marry. My father was against me waiting 9 years for my husband and it eventually got to me and I had an affair. I regret it now and have some animosity towards my father for not supporting my choices. We have moved past it though and this God aweful experience will be over some day. As far as having children with a father incarcerated. Well, if I were you I would try to think of the child first. Your husband and you would like to have children but the child would have to grow up with out a father. My son suffers every day with out daddy being around. He is definently a mama's boy and I am concerned he might not be tough enough. I understand you wanting children but you are still young and could wait until your in your 30's to make this decision. If you decide then that ya'll still want them then your husband would be home a few years later. I know every situation is different so pray about it and let God help you in deciding what is best for your situation.

Janine, Thank you...When I find her I'll tell her that you're praying for her. Waiting4will, welcome to a group that is here to only support and give comfort. I'll have to agree with Janine...try to think of it in the childs' point of view. What ever decision you do make... we'll be here to listen and support.

I'm not in your exact situation... but I too am contiplating children. I'm 24 and my husband just came home. He's on parole and if he gets a violation he could be back in for a potential of 3 more years. He's a recovering addict and I've never done drugs... I don't ever wish to bring a child into that type of situation...but We really want kids. He promises to never relapse...and I feel that he won't, but It's a disease and it'll always be around right? I don't know... it's not a big dilema for me, but I just don't know the future. I know that I can't walk around assuming he's going to relapse or let the fear of it run my life...
Never mind...I just needed to work it out in my head...thank you for letting me work out my thoughts..
I'm mean why should I live in fear of what may be...

Anyways, I'm at work so I'll go now.
God Bless all you ladies...
And I pray to GOD that Donna has just been real busy this past 4 months.
Kim

My husband has been incarcerated for the past 23 years. We have been married for 12 of those years and will be married 20 years before we go back to the board. The lonliness, the anger, the fragility, the years of separation all take their toll...BUT, love and personal beliefs keep us going. Have we been "perfect" through this time...no, we have been human. But, love, forgiveness and understanding has made our lives and our marriage stronger as each year passes. Anyone willing to write (email) is welcome...I am always glad to hear from other "sisters" and "brothers" who walk this walk as I do.

Hello AJ,
Thanks for sharing. I admire your will to stick it out.
I found a site prisontalk.com and am getting very irritated with it. It is similar to this one but I can't figure out how to post correctly, and when I do post I can't figure out how to get the replies. Can anyone help? Has anyone else been to this site and had trouble or is it just a blonde thing? :-)
I wish my husband were here today, as every other day but I am having trouble with my family today and can't help but blame my husband for not being around. It actually has nothing to do with him but I tend to direct my emotions towards him when I am angry and get mad at him for not being here to listen, hold me, comfort me, agree with me, etc. YOU Know! Does anyone know of a chat room for our situation that I can visit and talk directly with others with similar situation????? Thanks for listening I will post later. Good night.

Janine

HEY LADDIES....I NEED HELP I THINK THAT I AM LOSING MY MIND. IT HAS BEEN 3YEARS TODAY SINCE THEY TOOK MY HUSBAND OUT OF MY LIFE. I WENT AND SAW HIM TODAY AND HE WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT IT HURT ME. THE PAROLE HERE IN TEXAS TOOK HIS SHORT WAY DISCHARGE. WHAT THIS MEANS IS THAT IT WILL BE ANOTHER YEAR AGAIN BEFORE WE KNOW ANYTHING. HE HAS A SEVEN YEAR SENTENCE AND I UNDERSTAND THAT MANY OF YOU HAD WAITED MUCH LONGER AND I JUST NEED HELP ON HOW TO KEEP FROM GOING CRAZY. I TRY TO TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME AND LOTS OF PRAYER...
GOD BLESS ALL
HEAVEN

Hi everyone. Just found this site today. Reading through the postings and wanted to share some thoughts. Boyfriend of ten years is serving 3-6. We're almost through the first year. His last days before sentencing, I decided to put it in fate's hands and didn't use any "protection". I now thank God I didn't become pregnant! That, on top of all the other concerns I have, just like yourselves, car repair, gas, mortgage, basically "running things" myself, when there used to be two of us, is wearing me away to nothing. Can't imagine the added pressure of a baby, right now. I have lost almost 20 lbs. that I really couldn't afford to lose to start with and am burning the candle at both ends, not to mention the middle. I pray for all of us to stay strong, including our men! As the one web site says, "we are all doing time!" Does anyone ever feel so lonely, NOT TO SLEEP WITH, but to just have a male FRIEND to talk to, go out with & lend a hand??? I've installed a new water heater and done minor auto. and home repairs so far. Didn't know I had it in me! I love men as friends, don't really have time for any friends, though. Am I going crazy? Stay Strong - Bend, Don't Break! Thanks

Janine...about posting on prisontalk.com, I am a member of that website. If you would like me to help you w/your problems posting feel free to e-mail me at DKozak@iso.com. I can help you w/any kind of technical problems you may be having in trying to access that site properly.

Anyone who is interested Prisontalk.com is a really well put together site w/many VERY active members such as myself that are all going through the same things & are all here to help support 1 another.

take care!
DJohnson

Hello again all...Inmate900439 and others...don't ever begin to think that just because some of us are facing longer sentences, or have been at this a long time that it gets any easier...it doesn't. What I have found is that out here...we are most times also "branded" by our husbands incarceration...let's see....I have been told that I am afraid of intimate relationships and that is why I am married to a convict...and...that I must be co-dependant to be in this kind of relationship...and that this is "not really a marriage"...and the list goes on. The pitiful looks of "freinds" be cause old Adelle is so tied down to a man that she doesn't even know it he is ever getting out. OH PLEASE!! I am 46 years old...this is a second marriage...and getting a man was never a problem. The difference today is that I am married to someone that I both love and respect. Now, I did not say that "he's innocent..and is being done wrong"...no, he committed the crime and is doing the time...unfortunately, in Kentucky...it looks like "life" is just that.
Fellow sisters...I know about the loneliness...the fear...the needs and wants. I have them all. But, for me, the love of the Lord, my husbands continuing love and support, and sites like this...I am gonna make it. God Bless you all....

Hey ladies,

Big thanks to all who welcomed me to this site. I hope you all are doing well. Tans kim and janine for your input. I will be praying over the issue and let God guide me in my decision. Well I am here in New york anticipating tomorrow wich will be our family reunion visit. YEAH!!!! I haven't touched my husband in 6mos. So we've got a lot of catching up to do. I will post again soon but until then, I will eep you guys in my heart and prayers. God bless you all.

Sincerely


waiting4will

How was your visit waiting4will?

I have just been reading the postings here and I can't help but to be sad, I too know the hurt. My husband and I got married on May 6, 2000 and we already had a 1 year old daughther and then I got pregnant in September of 2000. Then he was arrested on April 11, 2001, just two months before i gave birth to our new baby girl and just before our 1st anneversary. I have celebrated our 1st anneversary alone, the birth of our 2nd chlid alone and everything thereafter alone. He was sentenced 6.5 years and in AZ it is an 85% thing and so he wont be out until September 20, 2006. Can you imagine? I will see both my girls go to their 1st day of kindergarten and first grade for one of them, alone. I hate every minute of it. I love him so much and I have no doubt that the right thing to do is to stand by my man, and that is exactly what I am doing. He sees what he has done to our little family and he sees how much he is missing and I know that when he does come home he will be here to stay. Thanks for taking the time to read my letter. Any one who wants to talk, e mail me. brookerivas@earthlink.net.

HEY JANINE,
SORRY IT HAS TAKEN ME SO LONG TO RSPOND JANINE BUT I DON'T OWN MY OWN PC AND HAVE TO TRAVEL TO THE LIBRARY OR WAIT UNTIL IM AT WORK TO VISIT. ANYWAY THANKS FOR ASKING ABOUT MY VISIT. WE'LL THE VISIT STARTED OF WONDERFULLY AT FIRST. THE TROUBLE BEGAN WHEN A WOMEN WHO HAD ROAD THE VAN SERVICE TO VISIT HER SON'S FATHER WAS DENIED ENTRY BECAUSE THE SAID HER CLOTHING WAS TOO REVEALING. WICH WAS NOT TRUE THE WOMAN WAS BLESSED IN THE CHEST AREA THAT'S ALL. AND OF ALL THE PEOPLE GIVING HER A HARD TIME IT WAS TWO FEMALE OFFICERS. YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD HAVE SOME COMPASSION. EVEN WHEN THE LADY BEGAN CRYING AND EXPLAINED TO THEM THAT SHE HAD NO CHANGE OF CLOTHE AND NO WAY HOME THEY DENIED HER ENTRY. LUCKILY AT THE EXACT SAME TIME THE GUARDS WERE CHECKING MY LUGGAGE IN. I WOUND UP GIGVING HER A SHIRT THAT BELONGED TO ME. SHE WA ALL TO GREATFUL. I HATE HOW WE ARE TREATED. WHEN IF FINALLY WAS DONE WITH PROCESSING I WAS TAKEN TO MY HUSBAND. ONCE WE WERE DONE UNPACKING THE FOOD AND MY CLOTHING HE BEGAN TO TELL ANOUT A GUARD WHO HAS BEEN HARRASSING HIM BECAUSE HE HAD HIS HAIR BRAIDED. HE TOLD HIM THAT BRAIDS WERE FOR FAGS AND BLACKS. MY HUSBAND IS SPANISH AND I AM BLACK. THE NEXT DAY HE CAME BACK AND TOLD HIM THAT HE WAS A MEMBER OF THE KKK AND THAT HE COULD MAKE THINGS HARD FOR HIM AND THAT IF HE DIDN'T HIS FRIENDS WOULD. TO REMEBER THAT HE (MY HUSBAND) ENDURED LOSS OF REC AND KEEP LOCK NOT HIM ( THE OFFICER). HE MADE MY HUSBAND REMOVE ALL OF MY PHOTOS FROM HIS CELL WALL. OF COURSE I AM HURT AND ANGRY BEHIND THIS. MY HUSBAND FILED AND COMPLAINT AGAINST THAT OFFICER BUT IT DOESN'T EASE MY FEEELING OF HELPLESSNESS. I DON'T WANT HIM TARGETED BY ANYONE FOR ANY REASONS. BEYOND THAT EXPERIENCE EVERYTHIGN ELSE WENT PRETTY OK. HELLO BROOKE AND WELCOME TO THIS SITE. WE ARE ALL HURTING HERE BUT THERE ARE MORE PLENTY EARS HERE TO LISTEN WHEN YOU FEEL THE NEED TO TALK ABOUT WHAT EVER. YOU CAN EMAIL ME AT happygirl36116@yahoo.com I here to listen. HOW IS ALL WITH YOU JANINE? I'M SIGNING OUT NOW. I VISIT HERE AGIN SOON. UNTIL THEN TAKE CARE LADIES.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL

waiting4will

Ok, so here's a tricky situation--not only am I an "outcast" because I am in love with a prisoner, I've been living a lie because I used to work in a prison--I had to leave that whole life and everything I knew--and I did it willingly, thank GOD we were smart enough to keep it together before I left my job, otherwise things would have been worse. BUT, now, I've left my husband (am getting divorce), my town, and my career. I have some support but haven't told my parents (not that I need to, I'm 31 years old, but we're otherwise very close) and I haven't OBVIOUSLY talked to my "friends" at my old job about this and it hurts that if they found out they would add me to the bunch of women that I learned about when I first started working in the prison years ago. Back then, I never would have guessed I'd be where I am today, and today my life is completely unrecognizable from where it was a few months ago. But we'd always been warned about the "games" inmates play, and how to NOT get hooked or cought in one. I don't in ANY way think I'm caught in one, but there is always a resounding doubt--just because it's been drilled into my head. Does any of this make sense? So I'm caught in a double whammy--loving a man behind bars, and have the BS that society gives you, as well as the BS that my professional community could/would/still may give me. I'm looking for completely other work. One of the reasons I left was that over the years I met some wonderful people, and found that over time, I thought higher of the prisoners than I did of my co-workers who were all prejudicial, biased, selfish, power-hungry, fake people. I left because I got tired of people telling me who I could care for and who I couldn't, and when I fell in love, that was the last straw. I had to get out. HELP!

Dear B

Sounds to me like you are going to be a lonely old woman waiting for someone that is serving life for murder by blow job (it's kind of hard to breathe when someone is shoving his dick down your throat) plus 30 for raping another woman. He can appeal all he want's. He's never getting out, and just by the slim to none chance that he does, the pagan's will kill him for killing one of their own. That is how those motor cycle gangs work. An eye for an eye. The only thing Shane needs you for is money and he uses his mother for the same thing. He only loves himself. You are just his meal ticket. He has already run your phone bills up over 600.00 a month he knows you can't afford that, yet he continues to call daily. Don't you think if he really cared for you he would cut back on the calls and requests for money. He knows you work 2 jobs and still can't afford food for yourself or your 3 kids. He doesn't seem to care that you are not eating. But he has enough money to buy his power bars and mega vitamins for when he is pumping iron in the gym. While you run to your second job without a dime for lunch. Not to mention you are driving 2 hours one way to see him weekly scared to death that your car is going to break down. That car is your livlihood. If you lose that how are you going to go to work to support his habits? How long do you think he will continue to call if you stop sending him money, and start buying your kids food? I would bet my life that if you told him you couldn't send him money for a while, and that he needed to cut back on the phone calls to the point where you could afford food you would fall from his good graces faster than you could say it. You don't want to listen to anyone now, but mark my words, you will be sorry you ever fell for Shane Wheale's lies.

RBT, You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't agree with you more.
B, you really should take this advice, I have a feeling this person knows what they're talking about! Think about the innocent child that was left an orphan by this monster!

EXCUSE ME... RBT AND ANON.... GET OFF THIS "SUPPORT GROUP" NOW!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS A GROUP FOR WOMEN WHO HONESTLY LOVE THE MEN THAT ARE CURRENTLY ON THE INSIDE.
IT IS BECAUSE OF ASSHOLES LIKE YOU THAT US WOMEN HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT EVERYONE WILL THINK. GET OFF THIS MESSAGE BOARD AND DO NOT LET ME CATCH YOU ON HERE AGAIN!!!

THIS IS FOR DECENT, RESPECTABLE ADVISE, HELP, AND COPING SKILLS... FOR A SHOULDER TO CRY ON, FOR AN EAR TO LISTEN, EVEN FOR A GOOD LAUGH, NOW AND THEN.

I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE COMING ON HERE ACTING LIKE WE ARE DOING SOMETHING BAD JUST FOR BEING IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS BEING PUNISHED ALREADY, AND DOESN'T NEED ANYMORE FROM STUPID PEOPLE... AND WE DID NOTHING WRONG SO WHAT MAKES YOU ALL FREAKIN HIGH AND MIGHTY? LET ME GUESS YOU'VE NEVER EVER MADE A MISTAKE IN YOUR ENTIRE PERFECT LIFE... SURE RIGHT, AND WHAT ARE YOU SMOKIN?

DUDE GET OFF THIS SITE AND LEAVE US WOMEN ALONE!!!!!!

Kim

RBT
IF you know the situtaion so damn well...and if you think you know the lady so well... why in gods name are you trying to slander her and hurt her.

What did she ever do to you?

THIS IS A SUPPORT GROUP...
NO SUPPORT...
NO POSTING!

GOT IT PAL!!!!

Kim & Kim, 1st of all I AM married to a man in prison. I know all about the attitudes people have toward us. All RBT is trying to do is warn B that she should not be with this man. I'm not about to tell you who I am or who RBT is, but trust me he or she knows what they are talking about. RBT is concerned about B's well being and that of her children. B doesn't want to listen to anyone about this, maybe if she hears about it from more and more people she will realize that this man is just using her. Because trust me, that's really all he is doing. The last thing she needs, from people who no nothing about her situation, is support to keep her in this relationship. If you knew for a fact that a woman on this site was being used by her significant other, wouldn't you try to warn her? That's all RBT is doing. Slandering anyone is not the point of these posts. You don't know the whole story about B and Shane,(I myself only know bits and pieces) but if you knew what this man did, it would make you sick! And HE DID DO IT!!!! He is NOT innocent!

Kim Dukes, are you an owner or moderator of this site? If not you've got no right what so ever to tell anyone not to let you "catch them here again".

I've been here before, I'm here now and I'll be back again!!!!!!

Hello everyone
This site is for public postings. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. My posting was for B. Not for Kim or Kim. If you don't like what I have to say to B then mind your own business, don't read what I have to say. I don't believe that everyone in prison is a true criminal. Everyone makes mistakes. Choking someone to death with your dick and smashing her face on the steering wheel until she's almost unrecognizable and then just leaving her is not a mistake. B did not meet this asshole until after he confessed and was convicted. She was visiting someone else in prison when by chance Shane was in the visiting room. Now, he confessed to the police, the DA and everyone else involved in the case, but when he met B he decided to tell only her the truth? He didn't do it, he was railroaded. GIVE ME A BREAK.
I know B personally, she has lost half of her body weight because she can't afford to buy food for herself or her kids, while working 2 jobs to support this scum bag. Maybe your men aren't scum bags and you deserve the support you get on this site. If Shane weren't a TRUE scum bag B would get all the support she needed from me and many other people. But that isn't the case. So before you go shooting your mouth off about something you don't know anything about, maybe you should think twice. I have a relative in prison who means alot to me and go to see this person about every other week. I know what it is like to be waiting for someone to come home and how the system works. My concern is for B's health and welfare. I would prefer not to see Shane Wheale kill another. Anon, thanks for your support maybe we can ride together on the next visiting day.

Wow,

It seems that with all that exchange no one has written for a least a few days--I personally hope that this is still a safe place for people to come for support. I think we all need to realize that we've got enough people working against us--and remember that we need to be on each others' sides. That is, after all, why I searched for a site like this to begin with. I posted the Friday 9/6/02 4:07pm post as anonymous, and I'm concerned that one of two things happened. Either people thought I was the same anonymous that got involved in that funky exhange (I WASN'T!) or that people don't want to talk to me because of how I met my soulmate. I can't help the latter, and refuse to think I was wrong. In fact I've spent the last several months trying to make it right! Perhaps I'm being paranoid, but I did read things here and there about "slutty counselors" and stuff and I can tell you that's not how it happened with me. We found each other trough God, not through short skirts and man stealing. I really could use the support. I am praying that I'm just being paranoid and defensive! Please write!

It's still a safe place uaelremop. I am just concerned for B's health. When you stop feeding yourself and your kids, and go back to your maiden name to protect your kids identity because of the death threats for being involved with this man , I think there is cause for harsh words. I think her children should come first. He doesn't give a shit about those kids, B & Shane aren't married and don't have any children together, why should he care. She is just a meal ticket to him. B has spent her whole life going from one bad relationship to another. I am also waiting for someone to come home from prison who I love dearly and do understand what you are going through. The people I work with don't understand why I stand by him. He was supposed to be eligible for pre-release if he went through some program. So, he did the program and the prison go their 12,000.00 for him to go thru the program and then they told him he wasn't eligible for the pre-release. He is so depressed and there is nothing I can do for him to make it better which breaks my heart. I hope that things work out for you. If you found each other through God I'm sure it will work out.

Hi everyone, this is my first time responding to any site ever. But I felt this is the one that I belong to, however unwillingly. I'd known my man about a year and half before he was sentenced to 4yrs fed prison. And we were a 'couple' for only two months of that year and half. So when he went in I was in shock, not to mention he lives in north carolina and I in St Louis. I knew I loved him and he I, but I didn't know what to do since we weren't a couple that long. I felt I'd been inducted in to a club, and some cruel person forgot to give me the rules. He gave me an out by saying 'if this is more than you can bear, let me know, and I'll understand'. It's been 2.5 years now and I'm staying loyal, at times I just want to forget it all and move on. I feel so isolated, no one knows that my 'man' is on lock down not my co-workers nor my family. It's not that I'm ashamed of him maybe a little (not him the situation). I just don't want the questions, and the pity and the 'what the hell is wrong with you'. And I can understand that end of it as well because before I joined the club I was a cynic regarding jail house love. Any way I just wanted to express some part of my story. At least I know I'm not alone any more. thanks for listening.

I've read a great deal of the responses on this post and it seems to me the main question all have is how to hold on to you sanity while your man is away. Now I've only been at this game for 2.5 years but what has been helpful for me is remembering what his and my life was like before he went in. Although that might bring some people down for me it is empowering because there is a good chance he will come back to me the same person he was before he left. I think about him all the time not to where I can't function but he is a part of every decision I make, and I write to him about all the positive goings on, and go light on the negatives, unless it is some thing he can help me decide on then I will ask, otherwise I see no reason to add to his already stressful situation. All you can do is take it one day at a time. And if you're in the type of situation I'am where we are about 4 states apart and can't afford to visit in person. Then write as many letters of love and commitment as time will allow (you gotta continue life), and keep your phone bill paid, hearing his voice, what ever the subject matter helps me, which is a support to him as well. Look at me I just found this site and here I am giving advise. I'm sure the things that I have suggested is not new to anyone of you but reiteration always helps me..thank you for allowing me to respond.

My heart is heavy tonight . I tried going on to the prison talk chat forum to find someone to lean on . They all seemed so happy, and I didn't want to bring them down. Anyway it has been a month since our visit and I have only spoken to him once. I tried changing carriers for my collect calls so that I could get a cheaper rate(has anyone ever heard of outside connections?) and all that has done is delay my talking to my husband. It has been over a month since I last talked with him. I know there is always mail but, it's not the same as hearng his voice. I have been trying to keep myself busy with a few in home renovation activities but, it only occupies my mind for a few hours and then its back to this silent emptiness. I feel im goin mad. I miss him so much. does the pain ever stop. I didn't know it would hurt so badly but then I'd never known love until I met him. well good night ladies. God bless you all.

sincerely

waiting4will

waiting4will...

The pain will subside when you are able to hear his voice & go to see your man. I wish I could say it will go away totally, but there is always going to be a level of sadness because you are away from your loved 1. You have to try to occupy yourself w/things you like to do to keep you busy. Most of all stay strong!

As for a cheaper rate...go on to Prison Talk & post that question you have in their section on phone calls. I believe there could be a way for you to get discounted rates, there is a lady that is member there that helps out people in our situation & tries to get cheaper rates on those TOO EXPENSIVE collect calls. As for not going online w/them to chat...shame on you! Even though they may have seemed happy still post on there...that is a really wonderful bunch of supportive & caring people. The members are always on at different times so you are sure to get a quick response to help you out.

Take care & stay strong!
DJohnson

thanks D

Ladies, just wanted to tell you that I finally got a permanent job at the bank, and things are starting to mellow out at home. For a while there we were fighting everyday, now it's been a week without a big huge fight. I guess cause money will nolonger be such a problem.
Gotta go back,
keep the faith ladies, GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU AND YOUR MEN!

Kim

glad to hear that kim.

Hi ladies, this is my first posting and I just spent the past hour reading through all the postings available. WOW! Can't tell you how I've longed for this group. Glad you are all here. My husband has been in a NY prison for 30 years now. We have never been together in the "free world" and we don't know when he'll be getting out. Hard or difficult or challenging doesn't even start to explain the pain of not being with him. I don't see him often because he's in NY and I'm in NC. Is there anyone in the group who's loved one has been incarcerated for a long time? I'd love to hear from you. Could use some tips on coping.

Hello ladies,
It's been a few months since I visited the site. Kim, did you ever find your friend Donna? My life has been a whirlwind lately. My Mom was diagnosed with Leukemia and after all her chemo treatments it is now in her bone. All I want to do is spend time with her but find my self trying to raise my husbands son, my step son, and work two jobs to pay for everything and no time left over. I am angry most at him when crucial times like these arise and he isn't around to help out financially or emotionally. I know he feels bad and wishes he was here to help but it just doesn't make things any easier. My husband was just turned down for his transfer that would bring him home in 6 months. He has been gone for 4 years now and is just waiting for an opening in a treatment class that will bring him home in 9 months from the time he starts. I even called his counselor when I found out about my Mom and begged for mercy, he said he would call me back but never did. NO mercy what so ever. Oh well. I just had to vent. Keep the faith everyone and remember God is good ALL the time.

Janine

Hello Ladies.....I have a good ending to my story. I wrote to this support group in February/March of this year about our situation. My husband's daughter finally recanted her story and admitted she lied about past events with her Dad...after almost 6 months of jailtime for him and total fear for me! He was released June 21st and we are together again. Praise God! If we had the money, we would seek some sort of...well, legal revenge I guess. We are just getting on with our lives and continuing to pray for his daughter. She was taken to a mental center for suicide watch only last week. She is one confused and hurting teenager. We both wish that we could have her with us...but maybe not such a good idea after all...at least until she is 21. Who knows what she might make up if she got mad with us????Well, thanks for being there for me when I thought I was losing my mind when he was taken from me. I can truly understand what you all are going through. All I know is that God was faithful and my husband remained the best pastor I've ever had...even while he was incarcerated. All of you are in our prayers. And please let this place be a haven of peace and not a public whipping post. Love you.........Kimmie

Well, I'm new to this. Actually three days new..since my fiance was yanked out of our bed. I'm 21 and he is 26. This is his 2nd fellony. He's not done anything serious, WRONG but not serious, but because we live in the good ole state of South Dakota, they slap you with what they can, they dont like dealing with any "criminal". His first offense was property damage, and this last one was a possesion of a stolen vehicle and DUI, but he didnt appear for sentencing. Well, his warrant caught up with him. The worse time ever right before the holidays. The hardest part for me is being totally clueless to the laws, and not knowing how much time they will give him. After readin your stories, I know that I will be able to be strong to stand by him through this. Right now though, I'm accepting the 5 collect calls a day.. just to keep my mind at ease. Yes it will kick my ass (excuse my language). Especially since I've lost my job. Now, im dealing with my lover, my best friend, my man being gone, and the stress of having to find a new source of income. I guess I'm just desperate for someone to talk to. I can't wait 2 months till his sentencing just wondering how long he will be gone.
Any suggestions on where to turn for answers. Or if there are any ladies with similar situations let me know. brokenbrandy@hotmail.com I keep all of you in my prayers, as well as the men we love. GOD NEVER GIVES US MORE THAN WE CAN HANDLE!!! Bless you all for sharing your stories. I know this young girl in love is thankful to know you are all making it work!!

I just seen that I was typin in the husband room, its okay that hes only my fiance right?? Bad new again today, I was suppose to be able to visit him tonight, but when I called to get directions they told me he had been transferred. Woke him up at 5 am and put him on a bus.. four hours from me. He was just 6 blocks away:( They now tell him it will be 3 to 4 months before sentencing. I got so angry today, I was talkin in a chat room, and someone said," Don't you think you are so much better of a person, then to wait for this man who says he loves you, yet puts you through this." I freaked. I lost control and went off. this person did not know the whole story, but I was angry at myself, because in all honesty, I think I used to be one of those people until it happened to me, until I read your stories. I need someone to tell the whole story to, someone who can tell me I'm doing the wrong thing. After that prick (excuse my language again) said those horrible things to me, it put a few doubts in my head. I love you baby and I'm thinking of you!!

Man, I hope someone out there still comes to this site. I check almost every couple hours for a response. God Bless U all.

Brandy,

I'm Denise and my boyfriend is in federal prison until 2005. You sound like you need a lot of support now. Please email at billanddenise@hotmail.com if you'd like to talk more. I understand your pain. Although I may not be able to lighten your load, I am willing to listen to your story. It's difficult enough without everyone judging you when they don't know what it's like.

Well its happened, my first flicker of doubt in my head. Frankie called me last night when he got to the new jail. He could tell right away something was wrong. Heres what happened.. I'm just gonna type away cause I feel better just talking! When he first got busted, he asked me to call his AA sponsor, his mentor, his second "dad". So, I did. This guy "j", was ruthless to me. He was like I'm sorry you have to be in this situation. He's like did you know Frankie has been with a lot of women, and then he asked my age. I said I was 21. He's like well Brandy I hope youve learned your lesson, Frankie is a manipulator. He said God Bless and hung up on me.
So, when Frankie called tonight, I brought it up. He said that "J" was goin to visist him. I told Frankie what he said to me. Frankie said "j" is just upset that Frankie skipped town for so long and got himself in this situation.
Frankie was like I need to know Brandy, can you handle this. He told me long before he got busted that he was with a few women, and few got used. Who hasnt done those? I'm not angel. Ive used a few men and been with a few. I knew what he had done. I told him I love him and even if I could turn away, I wouldnt. I told him I love him, and Im here to be by his side. He said, I love you baby, and Im not manipulating you. He said I dont want to hurt you. I told him so dont. I guess if it turns out for the worse. This will be another of lifes learning experiences. I will never regret falling in love with this man. God Bless you all..

Brandie, I'm living proof that even when you get blindsided by the system you can still make it through. My Husband was in for 13 months. He was in our town for a month, then they moved him 125 miles away. I don't drive and had to get someone to take me to a town half an hour away, then I paid 20 dollars to ride a mail truck (a real truck that was being used for a rural mail route)there. We delivered mail the entire 4 hours there. If you truly love him, you will do anything to make the trip. As for other people being misguided and ignorant to our plight. I too was one of those people that said leave the bastard. Until "the bastard" was my sweet and emotionally distraught husband.
He made it thru, as did I...there was some scarring...we both need some counseling...but we are trying to put it back together.
I'm at work so I gotta go.

hey kim-
I'm thinking every possible way to get there and see him! i have a 1000.00 phone bill on the way, as well as no job at the moment. Thank god my landlord, is being lienant with me this month. I finally had to stop accepting the calls. I would pay anything to be with Frankie.. but no job and bills stacking up I need to be okay to help him be okay!! Could use a couple prayers. I'm glad you and your husband made it. Gives me hope. Love to all

HEY LADIES,

It has been a while,but I thought that I would write to say things are better with me. Brandy I am not sure what the whole story is however I wanted to let you know that my husbands own mother told me that my husband was using me to get by this time in prison. I am only 22 not much older than you. My husband has been in prison since sept. 1999. I have thought in the past that my husband might be just using me however then I look at the little things that he does. Please do not take what I am about to say the wrong way everyone has different sititions. I go see my husband twice a month, we do not talk on the phone, and in 3 years I have only sent 50.00 3 times. This is what tells me he is not using me, in my state there is no hanky panky so it can not be for sex or money. In the back of my mind there is always that question is he using me for a place to parole? then I ask myself why the hell would he marry me for that. Also brandy, who cares who he has been with he is with you now and that is what matters. We all have past some of them good and some bad. My husband and I have made a pact not to bring the past up because in the long run we both get hurt. We have learned that all we have is today nothing more or less, when we keep it that way life stays a little more peaceful and time does not seem to drag on. I am here for you brandy if you ever need some cheer spread your way.
god bless all
Heaven

hey ladies..
thank you heaven for your words!! theres always that same question is he using me?? We've had a very hard few weeks. We've decided its a whole better to wait on our relationship. Instead we've decided my best friend is now behind bars. Its easier on him I think. Not feeling guilty for making me wait. Its my choice to wait now matter what happens. He's my best friend, and no matter if we stay best friends or make it the front of the church to say our vows. I know all this has happened for a reason. I thank God everyday he was brought in my life. I have learned so much. I'm bettering myself because of all this!!! One month sober guys!! God does it feel good, to not wake up drunk or with a hangover.
We did get some good news, although its not final, Frankie met with his attorney, she is saying he's only being charged with one felony. They are saying 1 year and 7 months. Is that too good to be true?? Of course its not good, but its a helluva lot better than the 5 we expected. I pray to God, its gonna be that or less. Sentencing comes January 13th,I hope its not Friday the 13th.. hehehehe. That would be my luck. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, and bring in the New Year with hopeful hearts for all. God Bless
Brandy

Hello. I'm not sure were to start. I'm waiting on my husband, whom is scheduled out on 2010 in Indiana. I've lost ALL of my friends over this relationship; however, my family is supporting me to no end. If anyone would like to talk about the realities of waiting on your husband, please feel free to post and I will respond as quickly as I can-working alot right now.

Hi, everybody. I just wanted to make sure that you knew you were all remembered at the holidays from Prisoners of Love. Please know that you are all to be praised for your desire to help others cope with this situation when your own situation is often unbearable. I am in this with you. 20 years of a life sentence under our belts and a first parole finally in our midst. Life is more than a sentence. Make this year a year to remember with fondness. Our families are worth it!
God Bless Everyone!
Toni

Hello All,
I too am waiting on my loved one, the father of my 3 year old son, to come home from prison. He is detained in Loxley, Alabama. He has been locked up since May 1st, 2002 and will not get out until Oct 30, 2003. Our son thinks that daddy is at work. That is what I tell him. He misses his daddy as much as I do. Times have been rough. When he first went to jail I did not have a job. I had been laid off and was drawing unemployment, but thank god I have a job now. Things are still hard. I have more bills than I have income. I recently had to put a block on my phone. I didn't want to but I couldn't pay the bill anymore. I have paid out over $2000 in collect call bills and just can't pay it anymore. My first responsiblitly is to my son. We haven't seen him since Aug 2002. They moved him so far away from us and I don't have a dependable car to make the trip. I need support from anyone that is going through what I am. He sometimes thinks I don't love him because I can't get down to see him. Which is not true. I have to think of mine and the babys safety. In order to drive down to see him we will have to leave at 3am and drive for over 6 hours in a car that may or may not make the trip. I need to talk to someone that maybe understands what I am going through. Please email me at loraone37@hotmail.com I really need someone to talk to .

ljnipper~
Wow! We have some similarities!! Times have been tough and rough! My boyfriend Frankie was arrested Nov. 16th, and is currently being held 6 hours from me in county jail. He will be sentenced the 13th of January, and looking time in prison. I too have lost my job, I have no kids thank god, because of the rough times I'm goin through. I am collecting unemployment but its only a hundred and 50 a week. I am goin to have to put a block on my phone as well, as I'm looking at $2000.00 in collect calls. Do you guys write letters often????
If you need to talk I'm new to the system but i would be happy to listen!! God Bless you!! Hope for a Happy New year for all!!

Hey ladies-

I need some advice....My husband and I have been having the talk about if he does not get out in June. He made the statement that he is not going to ask me to put my life on hold, I think we both know if he does not get out in June of 2003 then more than likely he is going to do his full time which would be 3 more years. I have some worries about if I wait and then if I do not wait what will happen. Let me start with if I wait. If I wait and he gets out in 2006 then at that time I will be 26 years old I have some feamle health problems so the longer I wait to have children the hard it is going to be and then I take a chance at not having kids, This is a big problem for me because I want kids. Then my husband is a little bit of a mom's boy and needless to say she has yet to cut the cord. She hates me so needless to say I get no support from any of his family.I try not listen to everyone else however it is hard not too they say when he gets out it is not going to work because I have not been the best wife I did have an affiar since his time in prison and to tell the truth I am no sure that I can say that I will never have one again. I get lonely and sometimes it is nice to be held by a man, I am not saying that it makes it ok. I told my husband this and he says what he does not know is not going to hurt him. I am worried because in the past his sister has caught me out with a guy and told him that I was having an affair so if I make a choice to have an affair and then she sees me out and about I take a chance. On the other side of all this if I do not wait then I take a chance at losing the greatest love of my life. I can not see life without Anthony even if we are not husband and wife I would like a freindship but he says he can not handle it. He feels that I am staying with him cause I feel I owe him something. Which this makes no sense to me I feel if anyone owes anyone anything it would be him. I think I have made a choice to wait however what do I do if he does not get out to help with the loneyness..
hope all have a happy new year god bless and take care
Heaven

~Heaven~
Wow! sounds like your really debating, im sorry! Its hard. But its a decision only you can make. You are husband and wife. Of course you miss having a man, your protector, the safeness of his arms around you. But you have to look at it to.. he is behind bars. You are out here with tempations, with the possiblity of a man to come along and fill that void of emptyness. Anthony on the other hand, has no one to fill that void in that way! You have to look at it as everyday that passes is a day closer to him getting out. And he will get out. Love takes work, especially when your dealt a card like we have been. Its the utlimate test any relationship can be put thru, I know it sounds crazy, but I feel blessed to be going thru this with Frankie. I have learned much about a life I never knew exsisted. I love Frankie with all my heart, and as hard as it is everyday hes gone, I know there is brighter days ahead, and when he gets out we can look everyone in at everyone and say " ha, we made it". I wish you the best Heaven. As lonely and difficult as everyday is, you just have to choose. Even though its tough and miserable, is it a whole lot easier than imagingin him NOT in your life!!
Dont know if any thing i wrote will help, but you got my prayers!!
~Brandy

Hi out there, I am new to this message on-line stuff, however, I am moderate to above moderate when it comes to THE SYSTEM and what life is like when your husband, boyfriend, is incarcerated. Mine is on his 4th parole violation in 21/2 years. He has been institutionalized half his life. When some one hasn't been in the real world for more then 3 months at a time they really don't know anything else but what they are used to which would be incarcerated. Face it roof over their head, food, no real responsiblilty except for staying alive. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I am tired, still very much in love, and have faith this time will be the last. He gets out of San Quentin in February 2002. I know just a skip a way compared to many of you out there. I appreciate all your pain and understand it very well. I understand the strain of no money, family members unsupportive, lack of real friends, fear of when they do come home. Deciding if their words are "jail talk". You know I believe what they say in letters to us is real and they do mean in with all their hearts, at that moment they are writing, but when they come home it always seems to be someone else coming thru the door, not that romantic, so in love with you man. Well I am going to keep the faith his words in letters will be proven as true when he gets back to us. I would love to get a response from anyone out there. If I can be of any assistance or just a good ear I will be there for you. Thank you. Molly

Hi,
I just found this web site and am interested in talking to just about anyone who will listen. My husband has been in prison for 1 1/2 years and has another 1 1/2 to go. He was a "pillar of the community" type who got sentenced to 10 years (cut down to just over 3 with time cuts) for sexual misconduct with a minor. It was a major shock to me, his family and about everyone who knew him. We are working on our relationship, but it is so hard. He was home for over a year between arrest and sentencing so that helped. I'm trying to stick it out and take the higher ground, but I have so many doubts. We have 3 children and have been married 14 years, 9 of these he was lying and cheating on me, 1 1/2 of them he's been in prison. Sometimes I just can't believe this is my life. He is my best friend, or I wouldn't still be here, but how do you know when they lying stops? He is working very hard in counseling and his counselor (and ours before he went in) believes he can be faithful. Sometime I just wonder if I'm wasting my life waiting. Any body else ever felt that way?
Kelly

Greetings All,

I am waiting for my Man's return home in Feb. 2006. He's been in a Federal Pen for six years now. Hopefully he'll be out sooner, but who the hell knows with this system.

I have read many of the stories here and appreciate every one of them. And like you, I have days when I just want to scream, pull out my hair and fight every Bastard in uniform; Wishing they could feel the pain I endure daily as I lay upon sweat soaked sheets crying alone, yet another night. The days pass by, long and slow. I am missing him terribly.

Then there are days when it all seems ok, and my strength is renewed. I hear His voice and am soothed. I receive His mail and am calmed that at least we have this medium in which to communicate.

I am 1400 miles away from him. We can only visit every 3 or 4 months if and when the finiances allow. However our (infrequent) visits provide me such comfort that I force myself to go on. And go on I do. I love him...so much. He needs me more each day as the stresses seems to bombard him. Likewise I need him desparately, but this is what's on our plates and deal with it we will.

Time and patience...Time and patience.

I remind myself that "What's worth wanting is worth waiting for." So wait I will.

Many of my friends and family members tell me to forget Him. "Go on with your life, this is a complete waste of your time." Personally I disagree. I was married once before and feel nothing in my life was more of a waste of time than that.

And God forbid he gets out and turns from the loving Man He is now to some raging asshole, I will still go on...yet I must believe...I must have faith in us...as you should in your relationships as well.

I can merely offer some humble advice to those who struggle like I do and that is... follow your gut. You know what He is like...if He was an asshole before going in, chances are prison has changed him in ways only prison can. Listening to others dictate to you the negative is setting yourself up for doubt and confusion.

When it comes to you and your Man being separated by society's iron blanket, please remember it all comes down to just you and Him. And if there are children involved, pray for them, earnestly! This isn't easy for us as adults, its ten times harder for those babies. Be patient with yourselves, be patient with Him...be patient with time...

Time is a healer...

Remember also to be honest with yourself...If waiting is harder than you can possibly bear then perhaps you should move on. It takes a hellava lot of strength to walk this path. And should you make a decision to walk away, it would be better to not look back. This rough road isn't for just anyone. It's just as hard to continue on this drawn out path as it is to tarry in a different direction without him. Either way, heartache is the result for both of you and all involved.

I wish you all most well in spite of our unfortunate circumstances.

Be strong Ladies...for this too shall pass.

Pantera

Hello everyone,
I have not written since around October. My husband has been gone now for over 4 years and anywhere from 9 mos - 15 until he is home. Wow, it's seems like that time is nothing from where we started but times are the hardest right now. My mother was diagnosed with Leukemia in April of 2002 and we were each others support team. We saw each other every day and were best friends. My Mom lost the fight on Nov. 18th 2002. It was 2 months ago on Saturday. I have since started to self destruct and am very bitter towards my husband for not being here with me. I have fallen into the arms of another man and am glad to have someone to cry on their sholder. He was an old friend but the problem is I don't feel all that guilty any more about it. I know that is wrong but my emotions about the loss of my Mom have just blinded everything else in my life. I want my husband back but I fear that I may have ruined our marriage by falling into another mans arms. If I did, well so be it I guess. I feel much better being with 'someone' than no one in my time of sorrow. I cry each day and find that everything reminds me of Mom. Can anyone offer up any suggestions or input. It would be much appreciated.

Janine

Hello every one....and to all the new ladies, welcome! Here is a group of women that will not judge. I wanted to update you some. Yes the letters are true the moment they write it... but they are in a terrible place and you are their savior from the hatred in there. When they come home... they are not that man.. and yet they are. We have so many fights over stupid things. He tells me to grow-up, when that is the problem... His life stood still while I grew. We have knock-out drag-out arguements over the dishes...my wanting to get insurance through my new job, stupid things...we say hurtful things because we no longer know eachother as well as we did when it started...yet at the end of the day he says out of no where from the couch...I LOVE YOU KIMMY. I go I love you too. "NO, I REALLY LOVE YOU" He says sorry more than anything now.. we talk of how all of this started when he was in 8th grade and from 8th grade till he got his GED in jail in about 97' life is a blur. Thats about 15yrs. I feel so much pain for that little boy that he was and in many ways still is. Why does our system throw away people with emotional and psychological problems. He is so frustrated with himself right now. He is 32 and for 15 1/2 yrs of his life he was addicted to drugs. He gets so frustrated that he has anger fits for no reason. He plays with our playstation2 and he got really frustrated and he has broken 2 controlers for the game. One was in his own bare hands. It used to be me with that childish way off dealing with things...now I want to talk it through and he(the forever talker) "Doesn't care" We have so many issues to deal with now. And resently we got slapped in the face with it again. Last week I got called in for jury duty...I know nobody wants to do it. But I get paid by my employer so I truly wanted to do it. It was a DUI case with Alcohol...i made it on to the panel to be questioned and though it was at the point where they did not have to tell you why...I know I got excused because Bobby got arrested and convited of the DUI. He sat at home, when i told him what happened that day, and had a pity party about how he is just going to mess up my entire life with this and hold me back forever and I should just leave him. When he gets like that he is truly the little 8th grader again. His face changes and he looks like a little kid. I die inside looking at him like that. I want to take away all the pain... but I can't.

Sorry ladies, life is hard right now. Our love is real and we will make it through, but it is really hard right now.
i hope the holidays went ok... I will not mention ours because i think it would not be fair. But i truly hope you ladies got to have a half way normal one.
God Bless

Janie-

I have been right were you are.I to have fallen in the arms of another man in the past.After abot 8 months of not writing or speaking to my husband, I made a choice that I wanted him back. so I went to see him scared to death that he would deny the vist but he did not and 8 months later we are still working thigs out. My friend whose husband was in prison with Anthony said something that made a lot of sense, first if your love is strong enough then it can make it through anything, second all inmates who have wifes or girlfriends believe and even somewhere know that we can not all stay 100% faithful. I do not feel guilty about my afair because I love my husband and in the end after all is said he will the only man in my bed. My husband and I have talked a lot and yes he would like for me to stay faithful however he knows that there are somethings that he can not provide at this time and we have come to an underrstanding that what he does not know will not hurt him or are marriage. I fond since I last posteed that if I just tell my hsband what think and how I feel we can come up with an answerr together something that works for us and not just me. I do not know if this well help you at all Janie bue I hope that it does. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
god bless
Heaven

Janie...

About what your friend said about not all of us that are waiting for our men can't stay 100% faithful, I AM the exception to that rule! I have been & will remain 110% faithful to my fiancee inside until he comes home & even beyond that! Yes I have needs, but they are put on the back burner for me until he comes home. My love for him is WAY TOO STRONG to mess up what he have to sleep w/someone on the outside.

That's just me...

Is there anybody on this site? I have checked for the past couple days to see if there is any activity & nothing!

Where is everybody????????

I am 100% faithful also. He's the love of my life and I can't imagine breaking that bond. Some people say, "he'll never know unless you tell him." WRONG!! I will know and that can't happen. My sweetie has a little over 2 years left and he's been gone since 2000, so I can wait that much longer.

My eternal love for him keeps me faithful.

Good morning ladies! I am new to all of this, having just found this message board tonight. It is 2 am and his third day away from me. (Can you tell I am having a hard time? Did I mention it is 2am? Yeah...and I'm still up.)He is serving a 90 month sentence of which in MN he will do 60. He has already spent 11 months in county, which brings the # to 49 months. Does anyone else have someone serving in MN? I am COMPLETELY new to all of this and could use some tips concerning good time, the visitation form, and parole and program options. Thanx! -Babyface

Denise...

I couldn't agree w/you more! My fiancee has 15 more months to go & I have been waiting for him for 2 years now. I CAN NOT imagine myself w/another man!! I have heard that as well that having your man in prison is the "perfect set-up" for cheating on him, but like you said YOU would know as I would if I cheated. My fiancee is the love of my life & I will not ever break the bond & the wonderful relationship that we have!

Take Care!
DJohnson

Yes, My Ol'Man is in MN...how can I help you?

Pantera

To Pantera or any one else with info on MN:

First, Pantera, thanks for replying. My fiance is in St Cloud right now (today is our 6th day apart, and I know counting it like that will not make this easier)and is starting his orientation in E block. It is my understanding that his file may have already been flagged by the DOC for consideration for early release programs because he got a downward departure and he did not hurt anyone (aggravated robbery). What else can he and I do to help this early release process, how can we help him STAY in St Cloud (which is closer to family and friends than some of the other facilities) and lastly, please, do you have any advice or tips for me for dealing with this in MN? I am not looking for tricks, just "loopholes?" maybe? I guess, a ray of hope. We can do this, of that we have no doubt, but if there is a way to make it easier or if there are better programs for early release than others, I would love to know. Or if there are tips for dealing with his case worker, (what to say and not to say)that would be great, too. He received 90 months on a downward departure, he has served 11 in county and will serve 2/3. If you have ANY information that may help us, PLEASE let me know. Thanks again, Pantera, for responding and thanks to anyone else with "pearls of wisdom" for me. Thanx! -Babyface

Does anybody come on this site anymore??? There have been no new posts for a long time. Maybe I will try prison talk!!!

I check this site every now and again, but since My husband has been home now for 6 months, I only write in response to others questions or to post news... lately we've been fighting non stop and very much on the rocks... but I don't really want to talk about that much.
I miss reading every bodies stories. I wish people would write on here again, I need the encouragement right now, I need to hear other's problems to get away from ours.

i was just wondering if anyone here is from texas (especially south texas.) my name is terri and my husband's name is ken. he is in prison, and has been for 2 years now. so if anyone is from texas (especially south texas) let me know. i would love to hear from you. email me at ktredbird@msn.com


sincerely, terri

HI. My name is Amy and my husband is serving a sentence of 14-30 years of which he has hopes of coming home in 8. I hope so too. We have been married for almost 4 years now and I love him so much that I want so badly to stay faithful to him. In a way I really can't picture myself with anyone else. He hasn't been by my side now for 19 months. 18 months of that I was incarcerated also. We kept as much contact with eachother through letters, and now that I'm out, he calls every week. In July, I'll be able to go and visit him, for which I am extremely grateful that we are in fact married or else I wouldn't be able to, and I hope that it will put a little intimacy (not sex, just physical touch, no conjugal visits allowed, unfortunately!) back in our marriage. I need some women who might understand what I'm going through to please respond to this message. I've looked everywhere for help and this is a last resort. God bless all of you.

Hello everyone my name is janelle, my husband is in prison for 20years do 10 plus 5years for escape to run consecutive. We have been married for only 4months and he was sentenced 2weeks after we were married. We had only dated for a year and during that time he had cheated on me constantly and been in and out of jail. I love him so much that I forgave him, but now he constantly reminds me of my duties are as his wife. He is very controlling and he is trying to control me in prison. He says that he has changed and he talks to me about the Bible all the time. Yet he is still seeking revenge on people and telling me that if he can not have me all to himself something bad will happen to him. He does not even want me to go to bible study on Wednesday nights he said GOD understands that my husband needs me. I told him that I would come every other Wednesday but he is not hearing that he says he needs to see me every chance there is. I don't know what to do. My friends and family tell me to wait on him as long as I can, but to take care of ME first and my child. What do you think. He is worth giving a 3rd chance?

JANELLE-

I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE? I FOUND THAT FOR ME ONE OF MY BIGGEST WORRIES IS THAT MY HUSBAND HAS NOT CHANGED AND TO TELL THE TRUTH IN MANY WAYS HE HAS NOT.MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BOTH DONE AND SAID THINGS IN THE PAST THAT HURT EACHOTHER VERY BADLY. WE ARE NOT EVEN SURE IF WHEN HE GETS OUT THINGS WILL WORK OUT BECAUSE WE HAVE BOTH CHANGED SO MUCH IN THE PAST FOUR YEARS.I LIVE BY A SAYING WHEN IT COMES TO PEOPLE (ACTIONS SPEAK MUCH LOUDER THAN WORDS.)I FEEL YOUR FRIENDS ARE RIGHT YOU DO NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR CHILD 1ST, IF YOU DO NOT DO THAT THEN HOW CAN YOU BE THERE FOR YOUR HUSBAND? YES YOUR HUSBAND DOES NEED YOU BUT YOU NEED SOMEONE TO RIGHT NOW AND GOD IS THE BEST PERSON FOR YOU.IF YOU WENT EVEROTHER WEDS. WHAT WILL HE DO OR WHAT CAN HE DO? MY HUSBAND LETS ME KNOW LOUD AND CLEAR WHAT MY DUTIES HAS A WIFE ARE AND IN THE PAST 3 MONTHS I HAVE LET HIM KNOW WHAT HIS DUTIES AS MY HUSBAND ARE, I JUST ASKED HOW CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT MY DUTIES ARE AND HOW I AM NOT LIVING BY THEM WHEN THE SAME HOLDS TRUE FOR HIM? I GUESS I THINK DIFFERENT THEN MOST, IT TOOK A LONG TIME BUT I SEE NOW THAT I DID NOT PUT MY HUSBAND IN PRISON HE DID THIS ALL ON HIS OWN AND I AM REFUSING TO BE MISERABLE BECAUSE HE IS. HE ONCE WAS CONTROLING TOO AND HE STILL IS SOME OF TIME BUT HE HAS LEARNED THAT I HAVE GROWN AND I AM NOT GOINGT TO PUT UP WITH IT.THE WORSE THAT MY HUSBAND COULD DO TO ME BEHIND BARS IS TELL ME HE WANTED US TO SPILT-UP, I LEARNED TO TELL HIM NO AND STAND MY GROUND.
YOU WILL BE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS AND I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR YOU.
GOD BLESS~
HEAVEN

Janelle, you should always do what is best for YOU in situations like this. Are you truly happy, can this type of situation provide a loving, comforting, trusting, and lasting family for you and your child? As for a third chance? A month ago I would have said no, but my loving, loyal, honest Husband got drunk and kissed another chick...i mean MADE-OUT. So this is his 3rd and final chance. He seems to be making a genuine effort into talking out our problems, as am I. I grew up in a household where my step dad cheated all 13 years. I'd say that if he has repeatedly cheated, then I don't think he'll change. You DID use the word contolling...i personally beleive that love isn't controling...again YOU have to do what's best for you and your child. I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR DECISION.
TO ALL OF YOU BRAVE WOMEN STILL DEALING WITH LIFE WITHOUT YOUR LOVED ONE...MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR MAN AND KEEP YOU BOTH CLOSE TO HIS HEART.

My fiancee has 13 1/2 months to go to FINALLY come home...YIPPIE!!

Anyway...I was wondering what I can do to help make the time on my end go by a little faster. Many days fly by for me w/being on my own & having to deal w/day to day issues. Then there are those days where they seem to DRAG ON no matter what I do to stay busy. Any suggestions? Feel free to email me if any of you would like to talk.

Take care!
DJohnson

Good morning, ladies! It's Babyface from MN. Big PaPa and I are doing so very well, considering the situation. Unfortunately, he got moved from our home town to Rush City so it's a much longer trek when I want to visit, (1 hour and 45 minutes, as opposed to 15 minutes) but it's worth every mile--like an investment in us, ya know? Plus it's easier on me...(insert huge confession here..) I work where he used to be housed? (I know, I know, but we had met each other before...) Major stress reliever to have him "out of town", as we are out from under the microscope at my work, but I miss him soooo much! The phone calls are killing us, though. They are $6 each and we WANT to talk all day. I tried getting a cell phone with a phone # that would be local for him to call but there are no service providers that go out into the "boonies" of Rush City yet. Any ideas, ladies? If so? Muchas Gracias! I guess the BIG news is I picked up our marriage license yesturday! (And the crowd goes wild...) I was SO nervous--I have never been married before. He was SO happy when I told him I had finally done it and even had the date ready--he started to cry. He's been asking and asking for about 6 months now and we are SO good together...he's my best friend and we NEVER run out of things to say...hence the huge phone bill. The thing is I NEVER wanted to be married EVER to ANYONE. But there's just something about US TOGETHER that has changed my mind. I am still moving SSOO SSLLOOWW...I want us to be careful, build our relationship slowly and meticulously, so it can withstand all of the ups and downs that are surely in our future. I have been reading the letters posted by Ms. Kim Dukes and it sounds like there will be just as many good times as bad...hang in there, Kim, everything works out in the end, and even if it doesn't work out like you thought? Every day is another lesson learned. I have a degree in psychology and whole-heartedly believe in couples' therapy, either just the two of you or go on a couples' retreat, if you can find one in your area. Sometimes those work more smoothly for the men because they see OTHER MEN with some of the same issues and concerns, and they see OTHER MEN taking some responsibility for the success of their relationship. Either way counseling is a great way to "reconnect" with your partner in a way that is non-threatening and non-confrontational. Another tip? Pick up a book or video on tantric lovemaking...a SUPER FUN way to "reconnect" with your man, and one he probably won't say no to...(ha ha ha!) Plus? It's cheaper than therapy!!! OK ladies, I'm going back to bed for awhile before I have to go to work (boo hoo!) but please write! Wishing us ALL all of the best..always...Babyface.

Hey...Well I just read the latest posts. I'm happy to see that I'm not the only one who still connects to this site. Anyway, the old man and I are still going strong. I just got a message though from his sister who he called and she said he was upset that I was hanging around a certain woman and wanted his sister to do what she could to get me away from this girl. I should add that when he was out he had no problem with me going out with her. I don't go to bars or use drugs with her, only out to breakfast or lunch like once a week. Anyway, by the end of his conversation with her, he told her he'd call me this weekend, and said for to tell me to get my "f*&#ING head out of my ass". Needless to say, I have been living my life out here, for myself, doing what I have to do to get my own life together after being incarcerated myself for the last 18 months. But 90% of the time I'm doing it for him. I don't know. He's going to call me tomorrow and I know I just have to put all the cards on the table and tell him all of this. Well gotta go to work so that I can send him money. Thanks ladies.
Amy

Hello everyone, DJOHNSON & DENISE
I haven't posted since January 20th. What a roller coaster ride I have been on emotionally. I noticed some of you had a lot to say about my so called "cheating" but no condolences for my Mother dying. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I'm going to stop there with that because I am at work and I don't feel like crying today. My husband and I decided before he was sentenced that if I slept with another man while he was away he would understand but he didn't want to know about it while he was in prison. Will I tell him when he comes home? If he wants to know, I WILL tell him. So
DENISE and DJOHNSON you see I won't be hiding anything from him or keeping anything from him so as you phrased it DJOHNSON a "perfect set up". I would hardly classify my husband leaving me with his child from a previous marriage for me to fight for with the court systems to keep him from going to the state and my Mother dying with out any support system at home for me a "perfect set up". I take offense to how you both seem to think what I am doing is a "perfect set up".

Heaven,
Thank you for at least your compasion and understanding for my predicament. I have since stopped seeing the other man and have stopped focusing on my grief of my Mother passing and am able to focus on my priorities again. We got good news also, my husband will be home in 8 months 3 days. Well, he will be in the 1/2 way house then, but we get to go and pick him up and take him there. The nightmare is almost over. It will have been 5 1/2 years he was gone. I have began to pull all his clothes out of storage and make room for his things again in the house. I guess you could say I am nesting. I sure don't need 8 months to get the house ready but it helps me to realize it is almost over. I'm about to leave work.
Have a great weekend everyone.
God Bless

Janine, I am sorry if some of the things said on here were hurtful to you...I personally try to never hurt anyone on here. I am also sorry because I rarely write on here anymore and did not read the post about your mother. I lost my father very young in life, but I have lost quite a few freinds as well. I hope for a speedy grief process for you...That is the most hopeful thing I can say... grief sucks, but we all have to go through it. I am very happy for you that he's coming home soon. If you have any fears about what you may or maynot have to go through during that tough period... I posted during all that time. Back in MARCH of last year he came in town at Work Release...Then in July of last year he came home. May GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP BOTH OF YOU SAFE FROM ALL HARM.
KIM

Anonomous, Thank you for the advise. And yes the good and bad times fluctuate but even themselves out... one day we will again be one unit again, but time is a healer. We have a lot of laughs and we were friends first. Our difficulty right now is that life for me moved forward and I grew up a little and his life stood still and he grew in a little. We have to send feelers across the "great chasim" we built up in that year.

To every one still going through this hell, It will be over some day...for those of you haveing to deal with the uncertainty of no out date... you are always in my prayers. I feel that you ladies are the bravest I will ever encounter in my life.

Life is going good personally right now..since our last big talk...we both have been doing what we said we'd do...he's trying to be more understanding with his tone of voice and approach with me...I cleaning around the house more. I hate cleaning...and doing dishes, and cooking...all of it makes me ill...but if it'll help ease his tension.. I'll do my fair share around the house.
Gotta go ladies
Much love to all of you. Always weight out your decisions... and remember to take care of yourself too.
Kim

Hey, ladies...I've got a legal question...what are the odds of a lawyer, (paid or publc defender,) being able to help us out with an appeal? He took a shitty deal (they gave him 20 MINUTES to decide between 90 months or the possibility of 13 years!) They didn't even look at his medical file (mitigating circumstances) which is an INCH THICK!! His public defender was doing great--until she got the biggest case our town has seen in 20 years--and then she quit returning his calls and quit working on his case! Do any of you have any experience with this? I really need all of the help I can get--and how do I chose a lawyer if I decide to get one? I have never been involved in anything like this before--am I just grasping at straws here? HELP!! Babyface

Janine...I did not mean that YOU personally think that your husband being locked up is the "perfect setup". I wrote that in general because I have heard that there are some women out there that consider their men being inside the "perfect setup" to cheat on them & they will never know. If you thought that I was meaning you, I am sorry for the mix-up of words.

Out of my little circle of friends that are waiting for their men I am the only 1 that is remaining faithful & love my fiancee more than anything in this world. I guess it's a sore subject w/me because I know that if the guys ever find out they would be devistated. Many of the men have changed their lives around inside because of the love of these ladies. What happens when they find out? Now it seems that because I am remaining faithful to my fiancee these ladies (or so called friends) are breaking away from me. Maybe it's because they don't want to be reminded of being unfaithful or maybe it's because they want to distance themselves from the WHOLE situation meaning the WHOLE idea of prison since they are w/somebody new on the outside.

Honestly I feel so sorry for the men because none of them know the truth.

On this subject... My only thought really is that...For me, I could never do that. Bobby does say that for the most part the women on the outside do cheat...He even says that he has to believe me because since he honestly doesn't know He can't keep wondering. I was talking to Donna on here long time ago it seems... she met someone she had a lot in common with and the last I heard she was going to her house. I don't agree with both of her choices... but she did choose to be with a companion on the outside, though she discussed it with her man inside first.

My husband told me he'd understand if I did do something because a Woman has needs, and my "needs" are a lot ( I'm a "vibrant", young, healthy 24 year old.) I remain the person with no judging opinion for everyone else... I'm not in your situations... I was in a situation similar... but not the same... and each persons life shapes their actions for the future.

I've got to go.
GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!
Kim

Janine,

My post wasn't directed to you. It was in reference to the Anonymous post on Jan 28. I'm not a person to judge anyone else, including you. I'm sorry that you lost your mother. I feel for you since I know what it feels like to lose a parent.

Hi,

My husband is serving 6 years in MN. He has about 5 yrs and 4 mnths left. I am looking for any advice, support, info, etc regarding the MN system. The hardest part for me, and what I always ask him, is what am I going to do for 5+ years? There has never been a doubt in my mind about sticking by him, but what can I do to pass the time?

Regarding Debbie's last post:
Hi, this is Babyface in MN. My fiance is currently at the Rush City facility, we are hoping he will get shipped out to Fairibault or Moose Lake soon. (He will not go to Lino because he has ex-family that works there.) I don't know how much help I can be to you, because I am relatively new to this whole thing, but I am finding out new info everyday....As far as passing the time? I write EVERYDAY--I choose to and he LOVES it. I write about the mundane, stupid things I do all day, either at work or at home. He says it helps him to "see" me everyday. Plus, beyond phone calls, it is the best way to stay "current" and "connected". He is always up-to-date on what is going on out here so we never waste precious phone time talking about "So, what have you been up to? What's going on that I need to be caught up on?" We talk as often as we can (phone calls are like $6 each that far out in the boonies...)and those are spent talking about how we FEEL--hearing him say he loves and misses me is great, even at $6 each!! The guys he hangs with know I have internet access so every once in awhile I get requests to look up info, and he writes 3x a week (he's budgeted the money on his account-I don't send him any)and that works out just fine for us. I don't ever feel "disconnected" from him...because we work hard for that connection--and it pays off!! I also send him interesting articles I read in magazines and he does the same--we keep each other interested, and I know that will make a difference when he gets out--we won't be like strangers!! Hope that generates some ideas for you! You will know the right way to stay connected--share your ideas! We can all use a fresh perspective! Best Wishes...Babyface

Writing everyday is very important. I was writing everyday for the longest time, then after September 11, School, work, and lonliness set in and I missed a lot of days... he felt very panicy over it...and even slighlty mad at me for it. Now that he's home, we've talked it out... but he felt that I'd forgotten him... I just couldn't write some times, I'd have a billion things I wanted to say, but all the emotions of thinking about what to say made me cry uncontrollably...It was a very hard time for me.

Anyways...I can't dredge that up at work.

Find a hobby, or go back to school and enrich your knowledge...earn a certificate at the local community college...My idea was to better me for a better us.
Gotta Go
GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!

Hi, all! You would not believe my luck--on the way to see my fiance for visiting on Sunday the clutch went out in my car!! We are supposed to be getting married in less than 3 weeks, I switched a bunch of days around at work to accomodate this (because the trip is kinda far, tiring, and we are getting married ASAP in the morning)and there is no one in town who fixes the kind of car I own!! Talk about frustrating! Money for the marriage license, the person to perform the ceremony, hotel room, and now towing the car back home and car repair? It's enough to make me CRAZY!! It also means I will not be visiting until it's fixed...but what can I do? Walk there? YIKES!! Wish me luck, ladies...I'm gonna really need it! All my best, Babyface in MN

Hey there everybody, how are you all? Well just finished up reading the latest posts. I'm happy to say that since I last posted, my husbands gotten his own head out of his ass and I've couldn't be doing better. He told me he was sorry for saying that and that he doesn't want to be one of those guys who tries to control what their wife or girlfriend does on the outside because he says I'm going to do what I want anyways. The only thing he asks is that as long as I don't get into any trouble and doing the right thing, he knows that he needs to deal with it. I have a little over 3 more months until I can go to visit him and it will be the first time that I will touch him and kiss him and hug him in about 2 years. The last time I physically saw him was in Dec of 2001 and it was while we were both in custody in court so I couldn't really touch him. I can't tell you the excitement I feel, I'm sure you can probably figure it out. Anyway, I just want to say that as far as writing to eachother goes... do it and do it often. My writing has slowed down to about 3 times per week, but he also calls me twice a week on the phone and I agree with babyface when she says that the cost of the call is worth hearing them say they love you and miss you and that you make the time in there so much easier all because of the love that you are giving them everyday. I never stop thinking about him and he is with me everyday on the outside while I am living life.
That's it. Keep strong and never forget them, right?
Amy in NH

Ladies...I wanted to share some mild good news. Bobby has paid off all his restitution, which means he's finacially free and clear from all of this stuff. All that is left is to start care school... the driving class they make you take for dui's. That'll cost us $475.00 but we can afford that. And on August 16th we can move away from this crappy place...if we can afford it.
I'm just really happy now.

I hope and pray for everything to be going well with you all.
MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU ALL!

KIM,
It's been a month since I posted lastlet .
Kim, thank you for your post. I have gone back and read all that you posted since this site was started. I refer back to your process often and it gets me a little concerned but I am praying and I believe our love will start to grow again and we can make it through the transition together. You mentioned that you have grown and he has not. I suggested that to my husband and he somewhat agrees but also disagrees too. My husband is in a federal prison and has gone out to speak at schools and colleges about what drugs can do to your life. He has taken class after class after class to try and better him self for when he does come home. He makes a point. It's not like he is just doing nothing. What do you think? Did your man have access to such studies and opportunities while locked up? I just don't know what to expect?

Sorry to anyone I may have barked at. It has been emotionaly difficult since Mom died and nothing seems in perspective. Time is passing and I am doing better. Looking forward to picking up my husband in 7 months 7 days. Wow, it's almost over. He does have to go to a half way house that day but from what I hear it is very soon after that he will be aloud home visits and all. It will have been 5 years he has been away. "What a long strange trip it's been!" as Jerry Garcia said it best.
Your all in my prayers.

Janine

Janine, it's not that he didn't grow... He grew IN..not up. The place he was in had absolutley nothing in the way of help. I sent him self-help books and he learned about some of his demons...but, I was becoming an adult...I'm turning 25 this year... I'm finally growing up and accepting that I'm an adult now. We used to play real rough, and for a year nobody played SLUG BUG with me... or wrestled... or had knock-out drag out rumbles for fun...Now sometimes when we play like that I get annoyed and that frustrates him... we enjoy childishly picking on eachother...he also came out more raw with his emotions...more panicky and easily angered. It's like he has the emotions of a child.

I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU THAT HE GOT WORK RELEASE... BOBBY HAD THAT FOR 4 MONTHS AND WE WERE ABLE TO GET USED TO EACHOTHER AGAIN. I do believe it helped a lot.

I'm so happy for you. This way he gets used to be "outside" while still having the structure of being in.

I have to go now, work starts very soon...
But I'm very happy for you!
TO ALL OF YOU STILL WAITING, MAY GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU AND KEEP YOU STRONG
KIM

My husband is in prison in Tennessee and I'm in Illinois. I will be able to visit him once a month and he has a sentence of 15 years and will have to serve 85 percent of that. Our families don't like eachother but the love we have for one another holds strong. I would love it if there were women in the same situation that could offer support.....please write.....I feel lost and alone and the depression I have suffered my whole life has only gotten worse....I will respond to each and every letter..pumpkinstar17@hotmail.com

my husband is in prison in Tennessee....is there anyone out there who has a loved one in a Tennessee prison? I'm 20 years old and living in Illinois where I have my family for support. I plan to move to Tennessee eventually.....I could really use some kind words of support and comfort! please help me through this sisters.....I cry everyday and am so worried....we were just married in November! please write....pumpkinstar17@hotmail.com

please someone who has a husband who is in prison start corresponding with me...i feel so lost and alone and helpless!!!! pumpkinstar17@hotmail.com

Rea....breathe...I know it feels like your whole life is crumbling...It did for me. I try to write as often as I can... My husband was in for a year and has been home now for 8 months...Write to him every day... even if it's just to tell him what you had for lunch.. talk to him through your letters...pray a lot... my prayer was just the one word "PLEASE" it encompassed so much....I can't post on here as much as I'd like now because my boss said I'm on the net too much... but I'll sneak a peek on her lunch break.
Just talk to us when you feel down, find a hobby or take a few classes at the community college...get your mind occupied as much as possible. It'll ease some of the pain. Go back and read through the posts... Donna and I had some great conversations back in the day.
We are here to help, to listen, and to be a shoulder to cry on. I try to never judge.
It'll be over some day...look towards that faint light and watch it grow closer day by day.

Kim Dukes

Greetings to all!
Well, we did it--we got married!! I can't believe it! I have never been married before. It is our one-week anniversary already and he made sure I knew it!! Even though we are "apart", it feels fabulous to be "together." I did not take his last name because that will give us one more thing to celebrate together when he gets out.
The ceremony was quick (and painless, HA HA HA)and the judge was very nice and RESPECTFUL. I was worried he would be condescending about performing the ceremony in prison, or treat us as if we were "less than.." but he did not. He read a beautiful poem and even left us a copy!! And yes, I made sure to send him a "thank you" note. Hopefully he will be as kind to the next couple as he was to us. The visiting monitors were another story ALL together...why do they have to act like being humane "isn't part of their job description"? They said it was because their facility "does not recognize marriages" (their exact words) so my own sister had to sit out in the waiting area because with the judge, my husband's godfather, myself, and my son....WE WERE OVER HIS LIMIT OF VISITORS!! Can you believe that?!? And I had even checked this arrangement with a different guard the week before!! So I stood up at the desk upset while my husband paced in his cell, wondering what had gone wrong, while the other inmates on the block were playfully hollering, "wedding jitters!" all up and down the row!! His face was all smiles when we finally walked in. He looked incredible, and I was so proud..what a wonderful day! I just wanted to share a little sunshine with all of you--we can all use it!! Hang in there, ladies! Always, Mrs. Big PaPa Bear (AKA Babyface!)

That is great to hear Babyface! I hope that you 2 are happy for many, many years to come.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

HI ALL!!!

Im new to this site and I want to say:
I finally found support thanks to you all...My husband of 2 years will be sentenced to federal prison as of May 2003.

I don't know where to begin. Its been a long whole year for both of us for this whole process. My emotions is like a roller coaster. Im soooo angry. All I do is cry and dont know where to start. Reading all this messages made me feel in ease. I finally found people that feel the same way and could understand. I took alot of feed back to help me start my journey when he goes in.

Im trying to find a support group in New York if anyone knows of any please let me know. I would appreciate it.

Welcome...BIG HUGS...
We are hear to listen, help if you ask, and to be a shoulder to cry on, and a friend to laugh with.
I read all new posts and respond to the ones a can. I've been through this wringer and back... I wish you the best of luck and prayers to you to help deal with the myriad of emotions that you are having to deal with.

You can email me as well, I check my email daily.. expect for tuesdays and sundays.
Please put this page in the subject line or I may delete it.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL THAT ARE STILL DEALING WITH THIS MESS AND GOD BLESS AND KEEP ALL YOUR MEN SAFE FROM HARM.

Kim

Anon...try www.prisontalk.com, they may have a forum for New York support. If they don't the many active members will know of a good prison support group in New York for you.

Take care & stay strong always!

Kim:

Thanks....I will write....

Anonymous:

Thanks for the web site Prisontalk.com I feel that site is more active than this one and there are alot more members too.

Im so glad I found support out there.....Thanks to you ALL!!

Anon...I'm glad you found an active site for you... this one was active at one time... now it just seems to have new people popping in and out. Some stay, but most leave after awhile.

All the ladies I used to chat with our gone now... Donna disappeared completly.

OH well, I have to go now. But
GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU ALL.
Kim

Is there anyone that knows how I can get religous materials and books sent to my husband who is incarcerated in Tennessee? Also do any of you know of any support groups available in Illinois where I live? pumpkinstar17@hotmail.com

Raelynn...

Check out the website http://www.prisontalk.com

That is a GREAT site for prisoner & loved 1 support where the members are always on to help out. Plus there should be a section for support in Illinois.

I just reached the 30th day of my husbands incarceration. He is in federal prison for fraud and is serving an 18 month sentence. Sometimes I feel like I should feel lucky that he has one of the shorter sentences, but I don't. Everyday gets harder for me and our five year old daughter. I am increasingly worried about her and am looking for free counseling as we have no money and are living with my mother-in-law. We lost everything, but I know in my heart that he only committed his crime to protect us because law enforcement failed us. I don't know if I can make it, but I am married to my best friend in the whole world and will never stop being there for him or our daughter. I just might go insane while doing it.

ladies,

I have great news that I need to share with someone. I found out yesterday that my husband is going to be released on June 2nd (only 11 days away). It has been the longest 4 years of my life but it is finally here, the day we wait for. I am so scared but at the same time so happy. My husband still does not have a clue that he is getting out and when not know until next week so I am going doen this weekend to let him know all about it. I feel like I am in a dream right now and I am going to wake up, do be let down. Everyone hang in there they can not hold them forever. God bless you all!!!
Heaven

Raelynn,

Sorry to hear about your husband, mine is in jail to since February. Do you have any children?

I have read the posts from all these women, they really have a lot of strength. This is such a lonely experience, horrible. I do find it comforting to know that I am not the only one.
Joy

Hello everyone, HEAVEN
It's been a couple of months since I last posted. My husband will be home in 5 months 20 days. It will have been 1 month shy of being gone for 5 years. We were only married 6 months before he left (together for 3 years though) and I am raising his son from his previous marriage that was only 5 when he left, now almost 10. What a journey! I can't believe it's almost over. I can't wait to get on with our lives and have our own children and own lives back. To all the women out there yearning for their men I keep you all in my prayers and remember that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.
HEAVEN,
by your last post your hubby should have been home a few days ago. How does it feel?
KIM,
Has your differences with your man settled down a bit now that he has been home for a while. How close is he to being the person he was before he left. Prepare me please. :-)

Janine

JANINE-

I HAVE GOOD NEWS NOW AND BAD, AT 11:05AM HE WILL HAVE BEEN HOME 1WEEK AND TO TELL THE TRUTH RIGHT NOW I NEED MORE SUPPORT THEN THE 3YEARS AND 10MONTHS HE WAS IN PRISON.MONDAY WAS WONDERFUL EVEN THOUGH I HAD TO SHARE MY TIME WITH HIS MOTHER SISTER AND GRANDMOTHER. HE SEEMED TO HAVE CHANGED SO MUCH HOWEVER AT DINNER I NOTICE THAT HE KEPT LOOKING AT THE BEERS THAT WERE BEING SERVED TO OTHER TABLES. I JUST HAD THAT FEELING IT WOULD COME SOONER OR LATER AND IT DID. AFTER WE DROPED HIS MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER OFF AND ON ARE WAY HOME HE WANTED ME TO STOP AT THE STORE I WAITED IN THE CAR AND HE CAME OUT WITH A SIX PACK OF BUD LIGHT. I DID NOT SAY A THING, I THOUGHT I WILL JUST LET HIM GET IT ALL OUT OF HIS SYSTEM AND IF IT HAPPENS OVER AND OVER THEN I WILL SAY SOMETHING. HE DRANK ONE BEER SO I THOUGHT NO BIG DEAL.THEN TUESDAY HE HAD HIS OLDEST AND DEAREST BEST FRIEND OVER, I SAY THIS WITH A DISLIKE CAUSE I JUST CAN NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THE HELL HE WOULD WANT TO TALK WITH SOMEONE WHO IS SUPOSE TO BE LIKE A BROTHER AND IN THE PAST 4YEARS HE HAS WRITTEN AND VISITED 2TIMES.BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM THEY FINISHED 3 TWLEVE PACKS ON HIS SECOND DAY OUT AND NEEDLESS TO SAY THERE I WAS PLAYING CARE TAKER GETTING HIM IN BED AND ALL THAT B/S.THEN AGAIN ON THURSDAY HE CAME BACK OVER AND THEY GOT DRUNK AGAIN. THEN AGAIN FRIDAY NIGHT HE WAS OFF TO THE RACES AGAIN AND THE WORSE PART OF EVERYTHING IS THAT HE STARTED DRINKING AT 11AM ON SATURDAY MORNING AND DID NOT END UNTIL 5AM SUNDAY MORNING.HIS FRIEND STAYED THE NIGHT AND THEY GOT UP THIS MORNING AND PLAYED BASKETBALL ALL DAY AND I DID NOT SEE MY HUSBAND UNTIL 7:30 PM, I TO LEAVE AT 9:15PM FOR WORK SO I GUESS HE IS IN BED NOW. I JUST SEE HIM GOING BACK ALREADY AND I KNOW THAT I CAN NOT STOP HIM FROM DOING THESE THINGS HE HAS MADE IT CLEAR TO ME THAT HE IS A GROWN MAN AND FULL AND ABLE TO MAKE HIS ON WAY. ALL THIS DRINKING THOUGH IS WEARING ON ME,IT MAKES ME FEEL AS THOUGH HE IS UNHAPPY THERE WITH ME AND HE NEEDS TO DRINK TO BE ABLE TO BE AROUND ME.I TOLD MYSELF THIS MORNING THAT THIS STARTS A NEW WEEK AND IF SOMETHING DOES NOT GIVE THEN WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE A NICE LONG TALK! WHEN HE CAME HOME YESTERDAY EVENING A SAID A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR AND HOW I WAS WORRIED THAT HE MAYBE SLIPING INTO HIS OLD WAYS AND OF COURSE HE ASKED ME WHY I THOUGHT THAT AND I SAID CAUSE OF THE DRINKING THIS IS ALWAYS HOW IT STARTS AND THEN YOU KNOW THE REST OF THE STORY. HE ASURED ME THAT HE WAS NOT GOING TO BE DRINKING ANY LONGER AND HE WOULD PROVE THAT IN THE UP COMING WEEK.
I HOPE ALL YOUR HUSBANDS AND YOURSELF ARE DOING WELL AS CAN BE IN THIS TIME OF PAIN!!!!GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL!!YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS ALWAYS
HEAVEN

Heaven,

I read your message and I really feel for you, my husband will be home in three months and I am really worried that the old habits will return also and we have talked about it but it doesn't change my worries. How are you going to deal with this if he goes back to his old ways? What is the right thing to say? I love and miss my husband dearly but a part of me dreads that return day because I don't want to go through this
again and even though it may not happen right away I am still worried that it MAY HAPPEN, at some point. I hope that things work themselves out, you deserve some peace. Joy

JOY-

WELL LADIES, THINGS ARE A LITTLE BETTER. WE STILL ARE NOT SPENDING MUCH TIME TOGETHER AND HE HAS PLANS TO STAY OUT ALL NIGHT ON SATURDAY WITH HIS FRIEND. HE HAS NOT DRANK SINCE THE WEEKEND BUT I KNOW THAT IT IS COMING UP ON SATURDAY. HE GOT A JOB WITH HIS BEST FRIEND AND I JUST FEEL THAT THIS IS GOING TO MAKE THINGS WORSE. I AM NOT SURE WHAT TO DO. I HAVE TOLD MYSELF THAT IF HE GOES BACK I WILL NOT STICK AROUND. THIS IS ONLY HIS SECOND WEEK OUT SO I AM GOING TO JUST HANG IN THERE AND PRAY THAT THINGS GET BETTER BEFORE THEY GET WORSE.
GOD BLESS ALL
HEAVEN

Janine, Life is getting pretty normal now..., but he is still panicy... I think this last time in was really hard on him mentally. We get along as well as we would normally. We still fight like all married couples do, but its smoothed out. He's free for good in two months... off of parole and everthing. But as far as being the person he was before... he's a better version of the man he was. He's more willing to work on us, and more willing to help me understand his issues. He's coming up on his 2 yr clean date. I'm so proud of him. gotta go work calls.
GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU STILL IN THIS HELL, AND A SPECIAL PRAYER FOR DONNA...MAY SHE BE SAFE IN WHATEVER SHE HAS VENTURED INTO.

HEY LADIES-

WELL THINGS ARE MUCH BETTER,WE HAD A LONG TALK ON SUNDAY ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR. I EXPLAINED TO HIM THAT I WAS NOT GOING TO BE HIS MOTHER AND AT THE SAME TIME I AM NOT GOING TO SIT BACK AND WATCH HIM GO BACK TO PRISON FOR MAKING POOR CHOICES. I TOLD HIM THAT IF THINGS DID NOT CHANGE FOR THE BETTER THEN I WOULD HAVE TO WALK AWAY FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP. HE HAS BEEN HOME ALOT MORE AND NOT HANGING OUT WITH HIS OLD FRIENDS OR DRINKING. I AM NOT GOING TO GET MY HOPES HOWEVER. WELL LADIES TAKE CARE GOD BLESS AND YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS.
HEAVEN

Heaven, I can only offer my experiences. Every man and every situation is different. Bobby is better for the lessons he has learned... but the year has been a long, long, long one. He took a week and drank it away back in febuaray... after work hours of course. He spent 2 hours at a bar with a chick, went to her place and made out only to come home after 15 minutes there. He begged me to not leave, we are working on US. He is more willing to see HIS faults, and more willing to open up his demons to me. We still fight, we still have hard times... but the big thing is now he KNOWS THAT HE WANTS US TO WORK.
And for that I will stay by him.
HOPE YOU ALL ARE HAVING A DECENT SUMMER CONSCIDERING.

Hi guys,
Looks like today was a popular day to write. Well popular for this site anyway. Kim, summer IS going well. Considering the winter was so painful with Mom passing I am enjoying the heat, sunshine, flowers, swimming, my son, no school. I have chosen to be possitive rather than negative. Today anyway :-)
Heaven,
I am so sorry to hear your having a difficult time. We look so forward to the point you are at with him coming home and all and to hear it is painful for you burdens me. My husband was let out of the camp 2 summers ago to go to CA to see his dying sister. I had to pick him up and he was under my juristriction during those 4 days. It was wonderful but he did drink quite a bit the first day. He felt rotten the entire next day and it blew a lot of our time together. He says he doesn't want to drink much any more, we'll see. My husband and I had 9 months at home after he got busted awaiting sentencing. During those 9 months we both started teaching Sunday School, quit using all together of course. Really changed our lives around. I pray it will still be like that when he comes home. You ladies are making me question if it will be or not. I guess it will just be a huge adjustment period we will all have to go through. Honestly, I can't wait though. Thanks for your support out there through all this. I think I found this site at least 1 1/2 years ago and remember thinking I wish I was you Kim, with your man coming home and all. Now I am there. Soon, very soon. Have a great weekend.

4 Months 34 days until my husband is home.

I'm so happy for you Janine. I truly am praying for you that when he comes home the transition will be a smooth one. I think for me it was very good for him to be in work furlough first. That gave us 4 months of him in town safe, transitioning back into life.... then back into us. Just have faith in your love, in him, and in yourself. Give it time, every man and relationship are different... but I pray that it all goes well. I have to go now, but I do keep you all in prayer.
Love you all,
Kimmy

hi my name is misty my husband has been in jail for 8 mos in texas he just went to court and they gave him 8yrs i dont no how i am gowing to get throw this i just hade are baby on june 6 i am 23 and he is 22 we have been together for 4 yrs i am so lost without him write me if anyones husband is in texas prison thanks misty at sunnydentx@aol.com

Misty, my heart goes out to you... this is a group that is here to listen and to help. I read the posts daily. I only write if I'm asked a question or if I feel I can help. But I do read them daily. (excluding Sundays and Tuesdays)
I gotta go back to work now, but GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU>
KIM

Hi, ladies. I just wanted to say, Hi. I think about you all of the time. I wish you all Blessings. If you have any ideas on how to make this site more active please let me know. It is my desire to help folks help each other. Take care, Toni

Hello, my name is annie and i live in kansas. My husband is currently in prison and latley I am having alot of emotional stress and i would really love to have someone to talk to, sure friends out here are good but no one UNDERSTANDS what i am going threw. If anyone would like to talk sometime i would really like it!! Thanks

Misty,
Hello, my husband is in Texas, outside of Dallas to be exact. I was 26 when he was sentenced to 9 years in a federal camp. I was blessed with custody of his son from a previous marriage soon after he left. The boy had just turned 5 the month he left, now almost 10. The years were tough but with the grace of God we have gotten through it. I look back and can't see how I really did it so I must give my thanks to God. In December it will have been 5 years since he left. He will be returning into the home in Novemeber though. PTL My heart goes out to you as it has just begun for you. Remember to only take one day at a time. Try not to look into the future too much, it is very painful. You are blessed to have a child to keep you occupied during these years. If it weren't for my son I am not sure I would have made the long wait.
Do you know if your husband will serve all 8? Is it state or federal? The charge? Do you have family near by? Are you near him? Maybe I can give you some insight on what I know.

Janine

Annie,
Welcome to the site! We are hear to listen and to help if we can. Sometimes just knowing your not alone in this awful experience helps.

Toni,
Are you in charge of this site or what? I will give you my advice on how to keep this site just active in itself. Kim seems to keep it all going with her frequent posts. Make sure she stays active. :-) If you could some how make sure there are more regulars I think it might help also. That's all.
Thanks,

Hi, Janine. Yeah, this is my site. I do some public speaking to groups of ladies like ourselves and I've gone through the media some too and I attend groups of ladies aside from the site but where as when the site first started it was one of the very few 6 years ago now it is mostly a portal for people to find the help they need. I usually contact the folks who contact me directly and perhaps that is why it seems less active than it is. However, I do think it could be way more active. My own situation with my husband doing his 21st year and missing his first parole here in Texas has kind of consumed me lately. People think it gets easier. I don't find it to be the case. 21 years and 13 years feels about the same to me. It all hurts you know?
I hope that I can stir things up again pretty soon. I just hope that the ladies hang in here until I get my plan going.
Anyway, thanks for the advise. I will do my best to keep folks active on here. Oh, and Kim..Thanks for being active! You are a big help to a lot of ladies.
Take care,
Toni

Toni,
Thanks for responding so quickly. That will keep the site active for sure. Wow, 21 years. God bless you girl. Any light at the end of the tunnel? I agree, the pain doesn't get any easier but we learn to deal with the pain better. Just as a loved one who dies. We will always miss them with in the deep depths of our soul but the ability to cope seems to get easier. Does that make sense? I will continue to check back here more frequently, during the summer months anyway. Summer is our down time here at work so I have a little more time to check in.
So what is your story Toni? You have me curious now. Hope to hear back from you.
Janine

What is my story? Oh, my goodness! Well, my husband has been my friend for over 34 years. We met in front of my toy box when his grandma brought him for a visit. I asked my mom to adopt him when she told me he had a bad life. We have been friends ever since. It was almost a "Lady and Tramp" type of thing except I wasn't that much better off than he was, just my location was better, Ventura, California and his was in the heart of the ghettos of Los Angeles. We always got along on our visits. His sister was my life long friend as well. Then, his life too a turn for the worse and at 17 he ran away to Texas. I lost contact with him. I got married and gave birth to my first child. That is when I got the call that he was in jail for murder. We were all really young. He turned 20 in jail. We believed in the system and stuff we shouldn't have done and he was railroaded through in record time. 2 trials in 3 months and in prison for life for something he still claims he didn't do. We kept in contact this whole time. Still going through the whole DNA evidience stuff. I was his pen pal off and on the entire time. He asked me to marry him after my divorce in 1988 but I was trying to be practical and wanted to have someone at home. I needed someone in the house, that never really happened. I had a great boyfriend but we suffered a tragedy and so we were never married. But in 1996 I got my Masters Degree we were reunitied in writing and this time I didn't want to resist realized it wasn't stupid for us at all. I realized I wanted to be his wife more than I had wanted anything in my life. Our children were young and I knew what happened to the kids in school. I had seen the "Prisoners Kid" thing happen and so I asked my girls if they wanted him to be their dad enough to put up with possible problems and they did. They had grown to love him over the years also. So we were married. I wanted to be the best prisoners wife I could be and I was told that there were no support groups for people. I knew that was bogus so I started collecting organizations. back then allt he support on the web was political or for the prisoners not for us out here. I found 350 and most are found through links on the website. I wanted to collect ideas to keep love alive and I did and I wrote a book with the help of prisoners and their families and it if the one offered for sale on the site. I am still trying to find ways to make it free to folks. The situation with his incarceration is made a little worse because I have health problems, Lupus and some other things and so does one of my daughters and stress is deadly to us. I think you are in the Dallas Area and we were on the KERA in box thing last month trying to raise awareness of the situations we go through. I think it probably helped people think but it was hard because in between my daughters and others and myself it would say, "Husband or Father serving life for murder." That is our reality but it was still hard to see it in black and white. I was contacted by a FOX station last week about women who write prisoners but I think they just wanted the standard, "We are all nuts" gig and when I explained that prisoners are "human beings" and that humanitarian, religious and interpersonal relationships were all normal reasons to have relationships with lovedones inside along with people who do have mental problems they didn't seem that interested. Basically, I guess it is my mission to educate and enlighten folks who think it is okay to abuse people simply because they have someone inside. I help with Kairos Outside and it helps me give back to an organization that helped me. Anyway, I guess that is my long butted story in a nutshell. Thanks for keeping the site active. :) I took my husband's not getting paroled very hard. We all did and so I am just kind of trying to shore up my own life and not doing a ton to help others, although I did do a talk last week and I do answer the e-mail I get personally. I am working out of my home as best I can as a writer, pet sitter, you name it. You take care and write when you can. :) Toni

Toni,
I have much admiration for you and your drive to help others. I have so many questions for you and your mission to help the imprisoned, inside and out side of the walls. I had to take a double take when you mentioned Ventura. My husband grew up in Ventura and his 2 living sisters and mother are still there. (His oldest sister passed away last year) They did let him out to visit her 2 years ago knowing she was terminally ill. He was in my possession for 4 days when I picked him up from the FCI camp and took him back. We were very surprised they let him out, especially since she was living. Definitely a blessing from above. When my husband went in I had such high expectations of being able to write letters to congress and such and being able to make a difference in his sentence and in the lives of others who faced the same predicament. I fell short, obviously, for a ton of reasons, mostly the time factor. I work 2 jobs and I am a single mother. I am sure a lot of the women on this site fall into the same guidelines. You on the other hand have made such headway. You should be proud of what you have done.
So your husband was turned down for parole, when is his next date that he is eligible?
My husband is in the Dallas area but our son and I live in Austin. Are you still in Ventura?
I am curious, did your children suffer from the "prisoners kid" syndrome? I sometimes fear my son goes through it but he doesn't seem to be affected by it. Not on the outside anyway. His Dad left before he started kindergarten so it has been this way from the get go. He tells people straight out where his Dad is and why and then were on to the next topic. I am not ashamed of our situation and I believe that shows in him also. He made a mistake and now he is paying for it. In a nutshell! I know we have learned a lot through all of this, become closer in our walk with the Lord, are much healthier because of it. Unfortunately the time he got was outrageous for the crime but I suppose God knows what he is doing and I rest easy knowing that.
What exactly is your book about?
I look forward to hearing back from you.

Janine

Toni, it's great to see you on here again, I'm sorry that he didn't get parole. Keep the faith girl. As for all the jerks out there, I really hope you can change some minds, but most people simply don't care about us or our men. Have you seen the Gieco Commercials? Or the Gellin' like a Fellon' commercials? Bobby thinks it is a way to desensitize america, if we get bombed on our land...The myth about gasing prisoners and all.

Anyways, I don't think it'll happen. Your welcome for keeping it active...I was told a while back that hearing about US now helps the ladies keep the faith. So I try to write as often as I can. He got his 2 year clean chip on Sunday. I'm so proud of him. He spoke, we went to the movies, and ...I'm so proud of him.

It's hard to adjust back to eachother, but I think that we are finally get back into the groove.

But I have vowed to not go bike riding with him... ;-p
We rode our bikes to the meeting, and he kept cuting through parking lots...but on the rode.. he's parnoid about getting a ticket. It's so funny.
Anyways, work calls.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL
Kim

janine hi this is misty what prison is your husband in i just moved from dallas their is a fed, pin in seagoville well my husband is in mark stilis prison he has been in jail for 8mos he said if he can stay out of trouble then he should be home in 2yrs i hope so we did everything together even take are showers together i am so lost i have to make my self get out of the house the only thing thats helps me is are new baby he looks just like him sometimes that makes me cry i feel so sorry logan he needs his dad , in the fed, pin you have to do 85% of your time and in state prison you have to do 1/4 then you come up for prole unless you hurt somone then you have to do 1/2 befor you come up fore prole my husband and his friend broke in to some houses one of his friends got cought and told on everyone their is like 4 of them in jail all of then are 20 and 21 my husband is in a medical prison its infected with all kinds of stuff i am so worried about him getting aids in their they say 95% to 98% are hiv in their and they cook you food i could not eat i would die i no if he comes out with some kind of funk i am getting a good lawyer he is in that prison because he is a diabitic i hope i spelled that right well thank for the letter and good luck misty

toni hi this is misty that story broke my heart thats what you call real love i wish i was as strong as you i love my husband and i am willing to wait 2 yrs i dont no if i could do what you are, thats like the perfact wife he better thank god for you,,, you hang in their mity

toni hi this is misty that story broke my heart thats what you call real love i wish i was as strong as you i love my husband and i am willing to wait 2 yrs i dont no if i could do what you are, thats like the perfact wife he better thank god for you,,, you hang in their mity

I know all about falling short of giving people the help they need. Right now I am surrounded by hundreds of letters from prisoners who want to help their families cope. They want the book I wrote and they want the newsletter I OWE EVERYONE and I can't get them what they want. YET. I am still working on it. I think that it is taking care of our family and friends that is of the most value in the long run and also not letting folks make us feel ashamed. Sometimes we have to educate that one bonehead in order to start a change in the whole world. Last week I spoke at WTA&M to a criminal justice class. I didn't know what they wanted to know about or what I was supposed to tell them. I just hoped it would make folks who would become future guards think about the long range damages of incarceration. I talked about my husband and where he worked int he prison and things. After the talk they went to a prison visit. My husband was at work and a bunch of college kids pressed their noses against the glass and looked in for a long time. The other workers were giving him reports, "They're still looking." and he didn't look up. He is used to the tours. Then the warden and another officer came in and said, "You, are you Toni's husband?" and the worker said, "No." with relief. Then they asked again and finally Johnny snapped to it being him they wanted. He went over and the instructor from the University talked to him a while, then the instructor asked if the class could talk to him and the warden agreed and Johnny gave a 25 minute Q.A. about love and life in prison and how hard it is to have the combination. He was so happy to contribute and to know that we did this together. It was totally unexpected and maybe it had no effect but I know that Johnny is back to being himself again after months of depression over his set-off, my health, our kids moving off, and all sorts of stuff. So, I guess what I am saying is you may have showered together been together allt he time and all but the separation now is an illusion. It feels real. There is glass and steel and mean folks around but you can do things together that have an impact. It just takes faith and more work and you might not get to see each other when it happens. Take care,
Toni

You wanna know why I seldom write on my own darn website? I am long winded. That's why. Ha ha.
Janine, I live in Amarillo but would like to live down your way. I moved to be closer to my huband and then had him moved up here when my job over in East Texas didn't work the way I wanted. I miss Ventura. It would be funny if your husband's family and I knew each other. It used to be a small town. I've lived all over. I know of two other inmates who have at least spent time in Ventura. One supplied birds to my favorite pet shop. I miss Ventura a lot. They have the best burritos there. :) My kids did suffer from my husband's incarceration. My youngest daughter was sent to the principles office, not for creatiing a disterbance but for expressing a different point of view on the topic of prisoner health care and exercise. She was exposed, like all our kids are, to distructive comments like in commericals about sexual practices and things, comments about their mom and how "sick" she must be because the guy on television says "all women who love someone in prison are ill." She was once even stalked by a prison guard who saw her at visit and liked the way she looked. However, she has become a voice for the families of prisoners. She spoke out at a death penalty debate, helped me write the book at the age of only 15, has gone to national conventions to address the problems kids face as a free guest, and has been on television talking about her dad. She feels it was a positive thing in that way. However, she went to the parole board and begged the parole member to vote in his favor and had a vested stake in his release and thought about how if she would have said something different maybe he would be home. She had to help support the household at an early age. She has, at time, a prison sensibility and "old School" ethics that cause her to stand up for herself, prison vocabulary is in our vocabulary. She sees us grow old separated and it is hard. She didn't have anyone but me to stand up for her when she was ill and missed school. Other kids missed a lot more and got to stay in school. Her sister was the same way but her health problems over shadow the incarceration a whole lot more. She too seeks oportunities to educate folks around her and both use "My daddy's in prison" as a good speed bump to slow down would be dates. If they can't accept that then there's no point in going on. They learned a lot about life people without this situation don't know. Some of it is good stuff and some of it is bad. I hope that the empowerment is the winner. Only time will tell.
toni

Toni,
West Texas huh? My husband was out near there in Big Spring for his first 3 years. I hated the drive out that way. Very long and mundane but beautiful the at the same time. When I spoke to my husband last I told him about you and Ventura and the burritos. Funny, he took me to "Johnnies Burritos" when we went to Ventura one time. His old stopping grounds. Is that the place your missing the burritos from? Very ironic if so.
You must be proud of your daugter for speaking her mind like she has. I am proud of my son for not being ashamed of where his Father is. We all make mistakes. If we learn from them then it was't in vein. It's strange, after chatting with you, I realized that I have not felt the stereo typical effects of my husband being in prison. I am sure they surround me but my care for them must not be present. Possibly God has protected my son and I. Who knows.
I gather from your e-mails that your kids are now grown, right?
When is your husband up for paroll again?
I will be gone for the next 9 days in sunny Florida with my son visiting family so you won't hear from me for a while.

Hope everyone has a great week.

P.U.S.H. - Pray Until Something Happens

Janine

Johnny's burritos! The best in the world! My kids and I would drive hundreds of miles out of the way to get one! Ha. I used to live in the trailor park across the street when I was 21. The Las Palmas Salsa factory used to be next door. It was a very tough area back then, now, not so much. I miss it all very much. The beach at the end of the street was were my husband and I would play as kids, that and the rincon area toward Carpenteria.
I think I wouldn't suffer so much nor would my kids if we didn't think it was important to let folks know who we really are. I mean, because I am in an area where I do not have any relatives at all and don't really fit, being a costal Californian, liberal, cityfolk type I am constantly having to be the new kid and so as the new kid you reveal who you are to strangers a lot. If I were home people know me, they know my heart, they know my mind and they know my past so even if my situation is odd they know it is the right situation for me and accept it. New people don't know if I am sane or not, or a good judge of things or informed or not and so they often feel like they need to enlighten people. The girls are the same way. Their friends accept them and its cool. It is the new people and situations, new school, or new friends who might say or do something painful. It was hard on my mom for a while but she is okay with it now. Most of my friends in Texas have inmates inside or are other people who have situations in thier lives that make them feel vulnerable. I think God did shelter you for your good. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. Well, I'm blabbing again. Have fun in Florida. I wish I was coming with you.
Take care,
Toni

Hi yall this is misty i just wantedto chat with yall i am not having a good day i just found out that they moved my husband to a new prison its the byrd unit in huntsville do yall no anything about that unit if so please let me no something my dad sail he would only be their 30 days and then they would send him to a unit i dont no how they do thangs if you no something about that prison please write me back thanks i hope thangs are gowing good for all of yall,,,,,misty

Misty
I don't know about that prison, but yards usaully mean disiple levels... "D" yard is for lifers, "A" yard is for when you first come in and are being processed. My husband was in "E" yard.... that was not WORSE than "D".... it was actually a dorm type atmoshere, for the least supervised. You should be able to call the visting center and get info on most things you have questions about. Most prisons have a liason for the public.

Gotta go again ladies,
Kim

kim, hi this is misty do you no anything about sending support letters to the prole board my husband thanks that will help when he comes up for prole, this is all still new to me he just got out of jail i no how they work but i dont no anything about prison i will before long,hope to here from you take care misty

I know you asked Kim but I figured I would put in my two cents. The parole file they have now has a list of everything he ever did that he got in trouble for and his prison record and without letters that is all they have. The purpose of a parole packet, a packet that addresses the areas the parole board looks at, should include a photo of him in a family setting looking happy and surrounded by people who aren't afraid of him. It should have a letter about possible job offers if possible, a resume for him including prison education if any, letters from his family members stating facts of exactly how they will help even if it is only emotional support. If it is food, clothes, lodging, transportation that is good. It would be nice to have a photo of his home, his car and you and he if you have them. My husband's had our marriage licence, the deed to our home, and other things to prove what we were saying was true. However, I have got to tell you that even though he had done everything he could, he had certificates from in there included too, and everyone thought our packet was the bomb, he didn't get paroled this time. So, some might say that it didn't work. But they parole board member I met with said that my husband had done all he could, he had great community support, and family support it was just the crime deserved more time. I think the major goal is to address the issues they look at, like substance abuse, past crimiinal history, remorse, attitude toward the future, plan for the future and things of that nature that you both have to work toward. Don't just do it for him. He has to have a vested interest in this. The Texas Family Inmate Association offers a booklet on the subject with samples and everything for I think it was 26.00 it was written by an inmate. While it is Texas specific it is easily adaptable. Lawyers have told me that it is best to do your own because lawyers will charge you and arm and a leg for one and you do all the important work anyway. Take care and good luck! Toni

I made an error. It's Texas Inmate Family Association and it's on the Prisoners of love links page.
toni

toni thank you i did not no what to write the prole board i will send them all kinds of pictures and letters from are familys this is the first time he has been into trouble so i pray he makes his first prole, so they will put all the stuff i send them in his folder i was worried they would just trash it, thanks for the info you take care and good luck to you and your family your friend misty

You might want to check with your local parole office they can tell you what the address is to send things to and all. You can ask them if it helps or not. Some will say yes and some will say no. I figure that it is better to do something that not in these cases. If you contact me privately I can send you a copy of some of the pages I put in my packet. The parole guy did say the packet was good. Ha. It wasn't good enough huh? 2 year set off and so much depression, frustration and heartache I could write a country Western song. Still, I will add a letter from someone who will hire him and anything else I can soon. Oh, it is best you start the packet a year out from the parole date because they can bring him up at any time without prior warning. Label the pictures. Some folks got for a more low key packet and I have that information too. Just the resume, 3 letters and a job offer. Just I don't want to put our stuff on the web because of addresses and things.
Take care,
Toni prisoners_of_love@yahoo.com

I sent Bobby his GED, our marraige certificate, A copy of his last XL CABLE paycheck stub, photos of his line work he had taken, copies of the letters our pastor wrote, and his old P.O. wrote as well. That helped him lose some points and get into "E" yard. I'm Working drive-up today and it's real busy so I really gotta go now.
GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU.
Kim

MY FIRST TIME ENTERING THIS WEBSITE: WHAT A GOLDMINE!! MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN INCARCERATED SINCE 1977 WITH A RELEASE DATE OF 2007. I AM LUCKY TO HAVE FAMILY AND FRIENDS FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT BUT NEVER COULD FIND A PRISON FAMILY NETWORK THAT WAS PURELY UNBIASED AND OFFERED A SIMPLE CHANCE TO VENT. MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MANY UPS AND DOWNS IN THE PAST 26 YEARS, BUT IT HAS NEVER ONCE OCCURRED TO US TO SPLIT. OUR MARRIAGE, CHILDREN (NOW GROWN), EXTENDED FAMILY, HOME, THE CAREER THAT'S ALLOWED ME TO SUPPORT MYSELF AND TWO CHILDREN AND OUR VISITS AND BEYOND ALL ELSE THE LOVE WE HAVE FOR EACH OTHER HAVE ALL ENHANCED OUR LIVES. IT'S MADE THE TIME NOT ONLY BEARABLE BUT JOYFUL IN MANY WAYS. WE'VE DISCOVERED STRENGTH, DETERMINATION AND COURAGE. THE BEST ADVICE I HAVE FOR ANYONE WHOSE PARTNER IS INSIDE IS TO LIVE EACH DAY FULLY, FINDING YOURSELF, LOVING YOUR SPOUSE AND CHILDREN AND DISCOVERING PEACE THAT LIFE HAPPENS ON SOME UNUSUAL TERMS. GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU WHO CHOSEN THIS PATH DELIBERATELY OR UNWITTINGLY.

toni hey this is misty i called the prole board and they told me that i need to send the support letters to tdcj does that sound right did you send yours to the prole board or what i dont no where to send this the address is the same for the prole board and the tdcj well let me something thanks your friend misty

ANONYMOUS I FEEL FOR YOU MINE IS IN THEIR FOR 8YRS MAN I DONT NO YALL DO IT I AM HAVEING A HARD TIME AND MINE HAS ONLY BEEN LOCKED UP FOR 8MOS, THEIR IS A LOT OF GOOD PEOPLE IN HERE THAT WILL HELP YOU, THEY SURE HAVE HELPED ME I FEEL 100% BETTER AFTER TALKING TO THEM, NOW I NO THAT THEIR IS PEOPLE OUT THEIR JUST LIKE ME AND THAT MAKES ME STRONGER AND HELPS ME KEEP GOWING, THAT AND THE LOVE FOR MY HUSBAND, WELL IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO YOU CAN E-MAIL ME TONI IS GOOD TO TALK TO ALSO KIM WELL YOU TAKE CARE************MISTY

Anon... I'm glad you found this site, MAybe you found it this late for a reason.. all good things happen for a reason.
Ladies I need a HUG!
Last night Bobby and his friend from a few apt doors down hung out. I don't mind but I've never really liked the guy. Bobby Came home and told me the guy was crazy...
It turns out that The guy is also on parole and has 4 months left. They were drinking.. no problem...and all of a sudden the guy brings out a spoon and a syringe and heads to his bathroom. Bobby stayed to try to talk some sense into him, but then left.
I hate this... why can't we find a normal guy that Bobby likes as a friend. This is Meth capitol of the planet and all, but jeez. I told bobby to do me this favor of not allowing him in here when I'm home. I'm scared... not that he'll relapse... but that this guy will so how get bobby in trouble when he gets caught... and he will eventually. Bobby PO is real cool , but he only has 1 month left until he's off parole. I don't want any mess-ups.
Opps, got caught on here.
Gotta go ladies.
Bye
Kim

Kim! Consider yourself hugged! I am afraid for Bobby. It is a hop, skip and a jump from friend to fellon with some people. I am hoping for your sake that he decideds to pull away from that guy. The other guy probably doesn't have anything to loose any more but Bobby does. Misery loves company and so do drug users. I would probably become homicidal in your shoes just thinking about the possibilities. I know that sounds co-dependant. Every dominate female urge to care is a social disease isn't it? Just know that he is the one who has to make the choices. I would sure bring it up in alanon if you attend and any support group he belongs to. I think that people in that situation are a better source of common sense than someone who isn't sometimes. You and Bobby are in my prayers.

Misty, It is a judgement call on how to handle letters. I don't know why everything is so arbitrary in a situation that is so definite. It's like in every situation in life there is cause and effect and then you get in prison or jail and one day something is a good thing, the next it is the wrong thing and basically it gets people to feel hopeless and helpless. It drives me bonkers. I just didn't want them to think my husband had no support and no one to come home to. I would send it to parole. I don't trust the TDCJ as much as perhaps they would like me to. I sent them to the parole office and when Johnny went for his interview it was all in the packet and he saw it but I had sent him a copy of everything to take with him anyway just incase. Except photos. They don't allow them to be sent photos with them in the photo any more at his unit. What a pain in the behind. Do I sound irritated today? I guess I am. ha. I guess I just had 20 years worth of patience. ha.
Texas board of Pardons and parole
Price Daniel, Sr. Burilding
209 W. 14th Street Suite 5M
Austin, Texas 78701
(512)463-1679

There are local ones. In the packet prep guide I used it said to send one to the parole board, one to the local parole office and one to the insitution but the local office didn't accept it and so that was a waste for me. I also hear that you should write now. Just ever 3-4 months stating that you are supporting his release and all just to establish consisitant support. But they do have visitation records and all so it shows that information. Make sure he does the basic alcohol awarness and one of those journey or prep classes because those are big stumbling blocks for some guys.
Take care,
Toni.

Hi, Queen of biting off more than she can chew here! Happy 4th of July. I am all alone this year as I was on my birthday and probably will be until they release my husband. It was a lot easier when I had the kids to keep me occupied. They grew up and moved a few hundred miles away. Right now I am writing my first solo grant to help the children of prisoners in my area. I feel totally overwhelmed. I used to run a Federally funded organization and so I feel like I could really help the kids if I could pull off getting this grant for them. However, do to my current health situation even a little bit of stress sends me into exhausted land. I am nibbling away at the project that is due by the 15th but I am at best 50% done. I found a church that said they will consider housing the project that I am calling the "Elevation Project" it is a mentoring and reunification program. I have got to tell you ladies I am pretty terrified of failing at this. I am even a little afraid of success because it would be a dream come true. If it works it will help about 200 children a year and their families. Today I feel over my head big time! After I get it all done and if it looks like a "real" grant then I will post it somewhere on the website for an example in case other people want to start some kind of program in their area. If not, I will bury it in my back yard and never speak of it again! :)
Take care,
Toni

toni hey this is misty i am sure you will do fine on it i have faith in you. you have helped me a lot and its nice that you can help all of them people with all of their proublems. and yours all at the same time when does your husband come back up for prole, i no its hard i dont no how i am gowing to handal christmass last year it was so hard i was depressed i am not looking forward to it this year, this forth of july was kind of sad i made myself get out and take my 2 kids to the lake to see all of the fireworks we hade fun the baby was not to sure but my 6yr old loved it. well i got a letter today from my husband he is still in the byrd unit he said its hot in their he also said he is gowing to be up for prole in a month or two i pray he makes his first prole i am gowing to be heart broken if he dont, i dont no how i will handal it, i am puting everything on this first prole he told me not to just in case but i have hi hopes i just hope they dont break them. well i got to go you take care and good luck with the grant your friend misty

Thanx for the hug toni. I needed it. The 4th was awesome. He even mentioned to his dad that he seems to attract only sh.ty people as friends. He is staying away from the guy. But he hates the fact that every time he finds a guy he likes as a friend... they turn out to be into drugs, or a drunk, or something like that.

But on the 4th we went and saw T-3 at the movies. I love going to the movies with him. He's such a riot. He'll do things like.. say...
"Don't touch me there!" right as the lights go down. He's flippin hysterical!!!

Gotta go, it's startin to get busy.
Kim

I am glad you forced yourself out Misty. I didn't and when I saw my husband he told me he was laying down on his bed peaking out, straining to see the fireworks. He can see them from the prison and looks forward to it every year. I just went out in the front yard for a few minutes and looked until the bugs started attacking me and I went in. He could't believe that I didn't stay and look at all of them. I did feel bad about it but I had planned to make myself a BBQ and feed the dogs hot dogs and make something for me, you know just to be in the spirit but with no kids or anything I just didn't get anything together. I realize I am going to have to change that. The kids are grown and they aren't going to be little again so I have got to get out there in the water and try to enjoy myself. This is my first year with nobody for any holidays. Another prisoner's girlfriend called me and we got together for a soda and a walk around a park for an hour or so but both of us were in crappy moods so it wasn't great. We made a date for Sunday, we are going to do a BBQ at my house and forget that we are greiving. I have put a lot of effort into it doing my poor man's Martha Stewart impression and hope that we will have a good time tomorrow to make up for being droopy drawers on the 4th. Still, watching the movie "The Patriot" is never a bad thing....is it? I am feeling the weight of the grant. I am asking, am I sure I can do this? I don't know what the answer is. I will give it my best shot. That's all I can do. Take care,
Toni

Hi, Kim! Your husband sounds like a barrel of laughs. I am glad he is being able to see that folks are trouble. You know, sometimes people refuse to see that. That is a good start. It is good that he has you. My daugther saw that movie and said it was great! My husband is a wild child and jokester too. He makes me laugh a whole lot. Have a great time!
Toni

Hey, how is everyone today! i am in a sad mood today i way watching that movie ghost its a good movie well what gowing on with everyone today i dont like the weekend its so long i wish they would hurry up and send my husband to a unit and get him out of the byrd unit, so i can go see him dame it feels like i have not seen him in 5mos and its only been 1month, kim you are very lucky to have your husband home i cant wait to be able to go to the movies with him or just lay around the house shit its gowing to be weard just to see him with out that glass between us,it will be nice to see him smile and make sure he is ok and not hurt thats my bigest fear i no he can take care of his self but i still worry i use to watch that movie oz have you seen it its bad i hade to stop because it was making me worry so much marcus told me that its not like that their so that makes me feel better, well got to go yall take care ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,misty

Well, if you want to be sad, "Ghost" will do it. My goodness. I know it is hard on you to keep going without him. The sad part is no matter what you tell him he will never know how hard it is on you. Like wise, we will never know, fully how bad it is. Like right now, here in Amarillo it is in the 90's every day. I have no real airconditioning so I am sweating like a race horse all day and I mentioned that to him. He said it was hot in there too. But when we were going by a guard she said, "It's too hot out there for you guys to visit. Look at her, she's red and sweaty." He said, "No, that wasn't hot. In there in prison it's hot. She said, it's not hot in here. He said, "No, back at the house inside. and it smells bad, like body oder, socks, toilets and you can't escape it and the heat." and the guard said, "Oh, yeah, I can't go back there I have a weak stomach and it makes me sick!" He never mentioned the fowl smell in there. He told me it was filthy and all but never that it stunk too. So, I sit here and sweat and feel like it's not so bad. Just like he doesn't know how hard it is to hear the question,"So what does your husband do?" or worry about how to help the kids when they need it and you have to say you can't or something. It is a period of our histories that we will never fully understand. Weird huh? How two people can be so close in heart and have such dramatically different experiences. I'd probably be a homicidal maniac in prison. I hope I never have to go. Look at your children and treat them to a spray of the hose or something, take photos for your husband and make yourself some fun. Choose happiness. I know I suck at it but maybe we can push each other to choose the good stuff every moment. Oh, my bbq went well and I got her hooked up with Kairos Outside and I think she will have fun.
toni

A story about making friends. I thought maybe your husband could get something out of this Kim. My daughters are down in Dallas. They are doing okay...well, until yesterday. My daughter had a friend come and live with her. The friend ran her phone bill up to 300.00 so she brought the girl back here and had to take another job to pay back the debt. The 2nd job was at a bar as a waitress. There she met a girl who needed a ride home. In the parking lot the girl was being harrased by some men. The men wouldn't leave her alone. My daughter stood up to them and threatened them. Not backing down something she learned from her exposure to the prison mentality in some part. Exposure to a mom who has long ago gotten tired of taking it in the second part. So the guys (Pimps) backed down and left. later on she was helping the girl move her belongings that same night to her mom's house when the men appeared in a car besides them. The girl wanted my daughter to pull over. My daughter didn't want to but did because the girl was insistant. The situation ended up with one of the men opening the door after the girl got out and kicking my daugher in the clavical as she went to lock the door. She has a cracked clavical and a dent in the bone. The hospital bill will be far higher than the phone bill. The exact length of this friendship? 4 hours. The girl blamed my daugher saying is she wouldn't have stood up to them they wouldn't have hurt her. It could have been worse. Chances are if someone needs to rely on strangers it is probably because they don't have any friends left. I know there are exceptions. I've been one more than once. Sigh. Sometimes there is a reason.
She will be okay. It is messing with her real job which requires her to drive to site locations and she nor I have enough money to get her the pain medication that would ease her discomfort. The police took a report. BFD. Finding crappy friends is woefully easy.
toni

toni sounds like you have your hands full, them assholes, they sound like a bunch of wimps, picking on a girl. i hate men like that they need to run into a man that will teach them to keep their hands to their selfs i no your husband will be pissed i no mine would and whats bad the cops will not do anything like always well sorry to hear that i hope she is feeling better your friend misty

Yeah I do have my hands full. I know the cops won't do anything. I don't know how so many men and women end up in jail because everytime someone does something bad to me all they ever do is make a report. Sigh. They wanted her to go back to that job incase she could see them again and call the police. I said, "No way!" they would let them go and they would come after you...that is if they got there in time. She is really depressed about it and in a lot of pain and on meds. Her room mate went and got her the medicine. Thank goodness. Her life is so much better down there in so many ways but she seems to find people with no sense and boom! there she is and you know there isn't much of a learning curve in a big city. You have to wise up and wise up fast or else! I worry a TON! Tonight I know where she is and that she is safe and that is what I am hanging my hat on before I go to sleep tonight. My other daughter? Okay, I will sleep with one eye open and worry half as much. It was so much easier when they were little and I could just go peek at them and know they were okay. LOL Yeah, Johnny is going to be livid! Oh, my mentor on the grant filled the pages up with red ink. I guess I have a long way to go on it. It was nice to hear from you! Take care, your friend Toni

Hey, my daughters situation is worse than they thought and she has to see an surgeon. I am heading down there and putting the grant on the back bunner for next year. I just can't do it all. I am nearly finished but I need about 5 more days to get it together and she needs me. I am gonna find someone to watch my 6 dogs and 4 cats and I have a call into the prison and I am out of her in the AM.
take care,
toni

Toni I hope everthing works out with your daughter... I'll pray for her. To bad about the Grant... it always seems like life stacks things up on you.
Got caught on here...
bye

Kim, the grant doesn't want to die. People are pitching in to help me finish it. I sure hope it works. I just feel like if we can help the children then maybe they might never know what its like to do time. They know more about life than most politicans because of what they learn through it all. It would be great to help them. I have a lot to do to get ready to go. Take Care Toni

hello just makeing sure everyone is ok toni hope your daughter is dowing better, i would help you but i dont no how i could, you take care and good luck your friend misty

Toni,
Well, I made it back from vacation! Too much fun and relaxation. That is so funny about Johnny's burritos! I am going to talk to my husband tonight and tell him. Small world. What year was it you lived across the street? I would be guessing but I think my husband would have lived there in the 60's and 70's ish. I know he grew up there and left in his early 20's. Too weird. Looks like there has been a lot of action on this site since I left. Must go back and read everyone's entries now.
Take care

Janine

Hi Kim,
This may be coming late but I am just catching up on ALL the e-mails since I left town. Here is a HUG for you, and I will pray also. Not sure where you live but you mentioned Meth is all over. Leads me to believe California but it is irrelevant anyway. I have not been faced with this situation yet but all I can say is stay clear of that guy. I am sure you know it and hopefully Bobbie does too. I will keep you in my prayers.

Janine

Holy SMOKES-
My husband called last night and said he almost got thrown in the hole. GEEZE that's all we need now that he is so close to being released. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He works in the kitchen and was just hanging in out and a guard caught some guys stealing eggs and thought my husband did it. Doesn't that sound crazy, what are they going to do with eggs with out the kitchen. Oh, well. It was a whole day ordeal they said they were taking away his drug program which brings him home early and firing him and giving him 14 hours of extra work. Well, by the end of the day they came to their senses and dropped everything and found the real thieves. Woe!!!
Just thought I would share.

Janine

With eggs you use the yoke to make some of the Ink (i think) for tats. Janine... my husband basically kept to his bunk to stay out of trouble. Since he's coming home so soon...see if that may be an Idea.

glad it worked out for the best.
Kim

hi yall, this is misty i just called tdcj to find out when my husband comes up fore prole they said nov 16,2003 and then they told me his projective release date was aug 23,2006 what does that mean i dont no what a projective release is,dose that mean he will not be their anylonger than aug 23,2006 well if anyone knows please let me no its driving me crazy i hope it dont mean if he dont make prole this yr then he cant make prole till 2006 well thank misty

Hi, the projected release date is when they think, without parole they would let him go. My husband's is 9999. That is forever. I don't think I will live that long. But he is up for parole in 16 months.
Janine, I graduated in 1977. I lived there the entire 70's. I lived on Pierpont and Porter most of that time. I only went across the street from Johnny's in 1980 when I was trying to live on my own for the first time. My last name was different.
Kendahl needs to see the surgeon. It can't be done without. I am trying to get her plugged into some free medical because to look at her it is 700.00. Oh, the weird thing is, the phone bill that started the entire thing, and her getting a second job, well, the 300.00 bill was an error and her bill was really only 35.00 and she didn't need the job. Now she will have a couple thousand in medical bills maybe more. Life is funny huh?
I am just too tired to do the grant. All this stuff has the lupus flaired up and I am about to drop. However. I will finish it and next grant that needs information I will have it all ready to go! Plus Prisonersoflove will go non-profit so I don't have too worry about having someone adopt our program.
Take care, everyone. I think about you a lot.

toni thanks at least i no he will not do the hole 8yrs i will be praying for you and your daughter and also that your husband makes his prole, take care your friend misty

Pojected also means that unless things happen to extend it. Bobby's was July 15th... but I visited on the DAY he was first told he could get visiters.. a half day to soon. So he had an extra day added to his sentence. oppsie... oh well. But thanx for the hugs ladies. I needed it. He is staying away from the guy. And yup it is Cali, North Cali. to be exact. A whole lot of Meth. He quit smoking cigaretes, but picked up smoking vanilla clovers. He wants to check out that smoke away stuff, but smoking is a crutch for not doing drugs. Stop smoking and the cravings come back strong. I think that's why he went to the clovers.
They smell good but give me a mild headache.
Anyways, I'm glad for Janine and Misty...I hope they get there parole dates....I'll be praying for you.

Tony, My prayers go out to you and your daughter, I hope it all works out.
Gotta go it's finally geting busy here.
Love you all
Kim

Oh my,
I just read your entry Toni about your daughter. What a nightmare. So sorry your family is going through this. I will keep her and you in my prayers. Keep us posted on her progress.
Kim,
Thanks for the advice on the sticking to the bunk idea. I think he would if he could. I am under the impression he has to have his job. Not to mention it helps with the daily phone calls home. It gets expensive quick. Besides he needs to keep busy for his sanity I think. Please pray everything goes smoothly over the next 3 1/2 months for us. Can't wait!

Everyone have a great weekend!

Janine

Toni,
Ever heard of the Byrds, or Abbotts, or Buddy Guy? Just some names you may recognize.

Janine

Yes, Janine, I have heard of the Byrds. The girl from that family was my close friend. I can't remember her name. I could draw a picture of her. Guy's dad owned a gas station and he lost his hair very early on in life. That is the only Guy I know. The only Buddy I knew was named Hendrix and he blew his hand off with a fire cracker he made. I think. It is a small world. :) I was the dog girl of Pierpont. I love animals always have. Back then it was such a cool place to live. I miss that time in that location.
Kendahl is doing better. I got her hooked up with on going medical. Her injury seems much better today to the point I don' t think she will need me so I will return home this weekend. I talked to the police about the detective that seemed so rude to her and I think things are going okay.
take care,
toni
take care,
toni

Okay, my memory is coming back. I am spazing out down here in Dallas. It is like a vacation, the life other folks live and don't even know it. The apartment with a pool and no yard work and all, but I have to get back to my mess in Amarillo. Janine. That was the wrong, "Guy" that was Guy stergile. The girl's name was Karen Byrd so, sorry about that. At least I know the town I grew up in huh? The abbotts were in track I think but don't hold me too that. I just remember tall and thin people. Hee.
Toni

How is everyone today? well i just found out two days ago that they moved my husband back to the mark stiles unit they let his sugar get to 500 they could have killed him. and the bad thang is when i called the stiles unit they would not tell me anything about him they said because he has not filled out a list what list i told her i was married to him and i have a right to no how he is i am so mad at them thats not wright,well is their anyone i can call what should i do i am so worried about him thanks misty

Hi, Misty. I have a guy who might be able to help. Otherwise I can get in contact with a lady who also has a Texas loved one with health problems who may be able to help you. Just contact me at my e-mail, prisoners_of_love@yahoo.com
toni

toni thank you that lady told me to call the senator John whitmire she said he helped her a lot and he could help me so i will call him tomarro to see what he can find out. so where is everyone at.well i just wanted to tell you thank you, and ask you how your daughter was dowing take care your friend misty

I'm still here...but my boss told me the other day, that since it's picking up I have to stay off line.
Gotta go ladies.
Kim...
I'm still reading letters during her lunch break though.

My name is Katie and my fiance just left for a prison sentence of 33 months. It already seems like an eternity since I last saw him, in reality it has only been 2 days. I don't know what to do with myself. We spent all of our time together, now there is just a void. I heard from him last night which was a big relief. He reassured me that he is doing fine.
I cry all of the time, and I know I need to move on, but I don't know how. I don't know if I even want to. I just want him back. I hope he gets out early. So many of our prisons in Illinois are so full they have been putting people on parole due to overpopulation. I just hope time goes by quickly until he is home again.

katie their is a phone# you can call and it will tell you when he comes up for prole. hear in tx its tdcj i dont no if its all the same or not toni could tell you she has helped me a lot. you take care i no its hard i have to fight back tears all the time. but we will all make it threw this so stay strong for you and your husband he needs you just as much as you need him. take care misty

hi yall how is everything well does any one know anything about terrell unit in rosharon thats the new prison they just moved my husband to i dont no if they will keep him in the last 2 weeks they have moved him 3 times its hell trying to keep up with him. well yall take care.toni i have not heard from you i hope everything is ok,

Hi, I just wanted to let everyone know I am a live. My puppies chewed my phone line so my computer was down. I am doing a bit part in a movie tonight. Speaking role so of course I have a horrible cold and I am terrified. I am always doing weird stuff. Brain surgery is next on my to do list. :) Keep strong. The Hindu's believe that you must find things to work on through sorrow. I think that is right. Find something that requires all of your mind and skills, like swiming or knitting or something that makes you not dwell on the separation. I should talk. I am the biggest mush pot sometimes. I go around the house saying, "I miss my husband." like that is my mantra or something. Ha.

Hi, everybody! What's going on? It is the weekend so I am looking forward to visitation. I naturally live for 2 hours every week and try to find things that make life worth living the other hours until the next visit. I am trying to figure out what to do with my life. The word crisis means "dangerous opportunity" so I guess I am having a mid-life, which means, "the old age of youth, and the youth of old age" Crisis. I guess it helps looking at it like being a child again learning new things but it feels less fun than it did the first time I learned about life. Ha. I made a to do list of things I haven't done yet and I guess I will do my best to start on those. I just thought I would do all this with my husband by my side. Oh, well. What are you all doing?

hi toni i no how you feel it sucks out here without them. i have a hard time keeping my mind off of him if i dont watch myself i will start getting depressed. and i thank i live to get mail. sence they have moved him so much i have not seen him sence june 11. i cant wait to see him. well i got to go the baby is getting mad you take care and we will make it threw this. your friend misty

Hi Katie,
Welcome to the site! Nice that you found this site so quickly. I thought I was the only one in my situation for the first 3 years. My prayers go out to you. The pain doesn't go away but it does get easier to deal with, for me it was anyway. I suggest you try to keep as busy as possible. Find a new hobby or sport to use of some of the time you used to spend with him. I have become quite the lil' gardener in the time my husband has been gone. I spend most of my time outside in the sunshine.
Thanks for sharing,

Janine

Hello all,
Well, it's Friday and I'm off work in 30 minutes. YIPEEE!! Leaving in the morning for a long weekend in Mexico. It is my birthday on Monday so my best friend, her birthday is the same day, so she is taking me. I have had a great day. Is it okay with ya'll if I am happy too on this site? :-)
3 months 36 more days!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Janine

Be happy! Yes! It's contagous! Happy Birthday!

Janine, I'm glad your happy... hope you are having a great time in Mexico...Toni... how'd the tv spot go?
Katie...welcome. It's okay to cry a lot. When My husband went away I went a little nuts and started sleeping in our walkin closet. It was the same size as his cell.
Even though he's been home a year now... I still find the old familiar fear and pain coming back...I spent a year alone with out my soulmate...I think it took a toll on my pychie.

I'm very glad you are happy janine.

I have to go now. We are short handed this Saturday.
Kim

Hi, Kim. The movie thing was okay. I didn't get a clear idea if I was giving them what they wanted or not and someone made a comment on me being stiff and well, fact is I have arthritis in my spine and it does make me stiff so there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing like being reminded that you have a problem. ha. I am helping on a Kairos Outside next weekend so you won't hear from me Thurs-Sunday. I am hoping to make it to a Candlebox concert Sunday night. You can't take the rock and roll out of a California girl! Johnny was great today. Lamenting the ageing process in prison. 20 1/2 years. Sigh.
Take care, This prison deal isn't for punks. You know? Hard stuff. Talk to me when you can. I'm pretty lonely this weekend even though I have a lot to do. Alone in a crowd.

hey yall!!! sounds like everyone is dowing fine some beter than others but we all have are days. sometimes i feel like i am not gowing to make it threw this. then i get on the computer and go to this web page and read all of the storys on hear and it always makes me feel better and gives me hope. it sure is nice to be able to chat with people that no what you are gowing threw.yall take care ......

(HELLO) this is misty i just thought i would say hi and give yall something to read. well i went to the lake with my daughter today we hade fun, she got to play with all of the kids out their and i told them i would bring her back tomarro , well not much gowing on hear trying to get this job at a paun shop, i have to call tomarro to see if i got it so yall pray for me thanks well i i better go i am gowing to have a long day tomarro i no i better get a letter tomarro thats what i live for(mail)sad hu i no well yall take care i hope everyone is dowing fine. if anyone needs to talk i am hear, i will talk you head off its a hab, well take care,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,misty

Misty,
How did the job thing go today? Funny you mention living for the mail. I look forward to getting my snail mail everyday, Sunday is a let down. :-) Hope everyone had a good weekend. Birthdays just aren't what they used to be. I had fun but it was pretty uneventful. My husband wrote me a nice letter and card. This is our last birthdays apart. WOW! I can't believe we almost made it through this nightmare.
Thanks Kim for being happy for me! talk to ya'll later!

Janine

hey yall how is everyone tonite? well i dont no if i got the job i called and the boss was not their. just my luck!!! i no i dont like sunday because i dont get mail,well their is not much gowing on hear,we went to the lake today and this man came up to me and asked me if i was married and tryed to get my phone# it made me feel good exp, just having a baby. i told him i was very married. he dont no but he could never come close to my husband. i wish they hade a sleeping that could put you to sleep till this was all over with .nov16 just cant get hear fast enuff well yall take care and keep yalls heads upppppppp !!!!

Hi, everybody. I am preparing to be on the Kairos Outside team this weekend and I won't be around to talk to you all so please have a wonderful weekend. I am very excited to be on the team because the kairos outside weekend is one of my most precious memories and it will be nice to show the other ladies waiting on their husbands, fathers, daughters, sisters, brothers,mothers, or children a weekend of love and peace and joy. I hope that it will make a difference for the 51 ladies scheduled to attend.
I will leave you with a biblical quote because without it most the ladies and men in prison would be forgotten by the kind strangers who do visit the prisons. "...Remember those who are in prison, as though you were in prison with them. Remember those who are suffering, as though you were suffering as they are." from Hebrews 13:1-3

hi so wear is everyone today, just thought i would stop in to say hi and make sure yall are all dowing fine, i have been in a good mood today i finley got a letter from marcus i was gettng worried, it was a good letter i feel a lot better well i will talk to yall later take care your friend misty

I wish I could hear from Rich. He's only been in for 12 days, and as you all know there's practically no communication in the first 30 days. It is so hard. I feel like I am trying to maintain a relationship with someone that exists only in my imagination. I don't know how things are going to be when he comes home. I keep thinking of all of the "what ifs"...what if I wait for him, and when he gets back he's completely different and doesn't love me anymore? What if I decide to move on with my life and then realize that Rich and I were meant to be together? Have any of you gone through this?
I feel like I am going crazy. Everyday all I can think about is getting home in case he tries to call. I keep hoping he'll get out early, but there's always the possibility that he will have to serve the full three years. In the mean time my heart just continues to break.
I don't want to be with anyone else but Rich, but I feel like I'm making myself sick just waiting. Rich and I aren't married yet, only engaged (and "unofficially", at that). He wanted me to live with his parents while he's gone, so that is what I am doing. But it is so hard!! And I feel like I'm betraying him if I decide to move out and try to meet new people, not necessarily dating, basically trying to meet new people so that my mind isn't always on him. I really don't have many friends, he and I spent all of our time together. Don't you think it would be beneficial for me to "get out", or am I betraying him by doing that?

Hi, everybody! I'm back from Kairos Outside. It was wonderful and spiritually and emotionally renewing. It is neat to give to ladies like us and ease their pain and help them have faith again.

To Rich's girlfriend. Without knowing Rich, it's hard to advise. I think you need to examine your own heart. There are plenty of things to do while you wait. You can do a lot of personal growth things that will help you be a better person and give you things to think about besides the problems at hand. I have waited on my husband 20 1/2 years both as his life long friend and 7 of that going on 8 as his wife. It has tough moments, especially when you are young. I wasn't ready to be his wife the first 13 years but I am now and don't regret anything except not marrying him sooner. However, even he says he wasn't worthy of being a husband in the early years, he liked to be his own boss and do anything that suited him.
Chances are he won't serve the whole 3 years. Most don't. However, they do get post traumatic stress disorder, or something simular and will need to make adjustments when they come home. Some have a hard time with the first 3 years and the adjustment back and the family has to know that going in.
No relationship has a secure and predictable future except maybe Romeo and Juliet because they didn't get too far past the honeymoon night! I may have waited all this time only to find that Johnny and I are no longer compatible or have annoying habits but shoot. Some people discover that and never have been separated a day. The important thing is to enjoy the journey. If you can't trust him to keep your heart safe and secure then you need to think about your options. Getting out doesn't mean you have to go out with men or to places where cheating is a big problem. I got out all the time. I go to the movies, I go dancing with my family, I go to religous things, I take classes, go to the health spa, shop, eat at resturants, get involved in clubs and community walks to raise money for causes, take vacations, try to find jobs that involve travel and growth opportunities and I talk to my neighbors and things like that. But I am lonely a lot. But, without my best friend by my side I would be lonely even if he was on a cruise or in the military or something like that.
I guess what I am saying is, "Is he replaceable?" If he is then why wait? If he isn't then waiting is your only choice and you are gonna have to make it a point to get yourself out of the house and find outlets for your creative self and talents.
Can you wait? Yes. If you want to. YOur mind can do what ever you want it to do. But if you think he isn't worth the wait then man, I'd be gone. My husband makes it worth my while to wait by writing a daily, making special things, participating in marriage seminars, helping me write things to help others as a team, and things that keep us feeling close and connected. It isn't all roses. We have had a bad time once and it was the hardest time of the last decade for me but we made it through. Because we love each other equally and have a commitment and I can't replace him. I know this.

Good morning ladies! How is everyone today? MistY? Janine? I hope all is well. I got asked to work on a t.v. show crew for 3 days. I am excited and scared. They asked if my health would hold up because I have lupus and Rheumatoid arthritis and I said, "Yes." because I need the money to get my gas turned on. Ha. So, I am praying that the answer is "YES!" The sad thing is I missed my visit to work on Kairos this weekend and Johnny and I agreed it was important to help the ladies so I didn't sweat it that much but now the job is next weekend so I can't see him then either. I am going to just hope that is all works out somehow, like maybe they will break early or something. He works on the weekends now too so he will be busy. It's just that I miss him and I moved to Texas so we could visit every weekend instead of twice a year. I should be greatful for what I have! :) Talk to me okay?
toni

hey toni sounds like you hade fun. i have been looking for a nite job i am not having any luck my mom said she would watch my 2 kids if i found a nite job so thats what i have been up to.well i dont have very much to say so i am gowing to go for now yall take care,, o ktk3182 hang in their you will make, you sound a lot like me but i no that my husband is what i want and i am gowing to stand by him no matter what,, talk to yall later

Hi, just checking in to see if everyone is okay. I hope all is well. We are all okay on this end.

KTK-Rich's girl friend,
My heart goes out to you. I know 3 years sounds like a long time right now, and it is when you are in the beginning of this journey. I am not sure how old you are but I am assuming fairly young. I didn't like the idea of Rich wanting you to move in with his parents while he is away. Sounds like he wants to make sure you don't meet anyone else or have the options. This is strictly up to you though. I went through all the same emotions you mentioned. All the "what if's". What a roller coaster ride I was on from day to day, week to week. My heart always belonged to my husband but the world was still going on for me and had stopped for my husband. What to do? Was I waisting my life waiting? Would it be the same, would our love be the same, as strong? Just to name a few. I was not the perfect wife during the last 5 years but I know now more than ever that I want to be with my husband forever.
Yes, I think you need to get out there and continue to live your life. You can meet friends and live your life with out giving up on your marriage/engagement. Please, you have to stay busy to help the time pass more quickly. You may begin to get resentful towards him if you do it his way. It's ok to have fun and meet people. LIfe has not stopped for you.

Hello everyone!
Didn't realize it had been over a week since I last posted. Everything is going along as planned. Yesterday was my Mom's birthday so it was a hard day for me. I get so mad at my husband for not being here to comfort me when I go through tough times. My son has been gone for the last 3 weeks and I pick him up tomorrow for the weekend and we are going to Schliterbahn Water Park/Resort for the weekend. I am so excited to see him and to play. It is so hard when both my boys are gone. Meaning my husband and my son! I have been trying to secure some sort of a job down for my husband when he gets out so he can start his home visits right away. Some other things I am finding out that need to be done also. We don't get any 'real' information until the 3 month mark, then I will be in high gear. I am a planner by nature so this is normal for me. I have started to pack a bag of toiletries for him for the 1/2 way house already. Crazy huh?
Toni,
Are you a celebrity or what? What are you going to be on, on television. Can I have your autograph? LOL Please give us more info.

Well, ya'll have a great weekend!

Hello ladies, I've been having to stay off here for awhile. But I wanted to say something.
Toni Congrats on the TV spots.
to Rich's fiancee'

I never try to tell somebody what to do. If you feel he's worth it. Then stay. BUT PLEASE GET ACTIVE...IT HELPS YOUR SANITY. I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL, AND I FOUND THIS WEBSITE... I EVEN MADE A NEW FRIEND WHO IS STILL WITH ME.
It'll hurt for a while, but understand that it is normal to feel very sad alot, even all the time... but getting out helps alot. I have posted through-out my ordeal. Going to back and reading some of the posts on here seem to help some of the ladies. Donna was a great help to me.
Good luck with your decision. AND GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU AND YOUR MEN.

Hi, you guys are telling it like it is. I'm so glad I know you guys on the site. No, I'm not a celeberity. Ha. I would say, "I wish" but I have been around enough of them to know that it is a prison of it's own and I don't need that either. No, I am on a crew shooting a televison show. I have worked in television and film on and off most of my life. I learned the basics in High School. It is a great love of mine. My health and Johnny's incarceration have both kind of lowered my jobs. It isn't Johnny, it's that I end up knowing the people getting executed and things and I can't be objective, it eats me a live so I try to stay away from news and do other things. My health is what I am fighting for this job. My body feels like you feel when you get up in the middle of the night but it feels like that or in pain most of the time. I am still hoping beyond all hope that I get to squeeze a visit in this weekend and work. I keep telling myself, "I can have it all!" :) Every once in a while I fall even more in love with my husband than I do normally and this weekend that happened so, I have a huge crush going for my husband, I mean way worse than usual.
I like film work because they feed you. The hours are really long but the job changes a lot and I like the variety. Some times I'm talent, sometimes I'm costumes, somtimes I am camera or audio and so I try to fit in somewhere. The bad thing is you are unemployed most of the time here in the panhandle. Still, it makes me happy to know that at least, every once in a while I am living my dream. You know, taking the advice to keep busy. :)
take care,

Hey hey!
It's 1:30 and I'm outa here in in an hour. YIPEEE.
So Toni, are we going to see you on TV? I did a commercial once, does that count? :-)
I was amazed at the length of time it took to shoot the commercial. Very long and boring! Unlike what the public seems to think about glorious film making stars. When will you know if you get to see your sweety this weekend or not? How far is he from where you are? Just currious. My husband is now 3.5 hours away but I don't see him much. As a matter of fact I won't be seeing him again until November 25th when we pick him up. I love visiting with him but the fininacial burden of a hotel, rental car (I don't trust mine anymore) and eating out for my son and I for the weekend is not appealing to me. I think your husband is in state, right? In federal you are only aloud to hold hands and that is monitored closely too. Last time they made us leave after only a 1.5 hour visit. Basically I don't like being there but I go for my son and my husband. Anyways... I am leaving now. Talk to ya'll next week.

Hi, well this time it is a television show, "Second Chances" and I am behind the scenes. I like it there better. You don't have to sit as much. :) But I do the other on occasion.
I got my husband transfered here to Amarillo so he is only 9 miles away. Before he was over 1200 miles away and it cost me a fortune so I moved about 900 and he got transfered here so it works out. I don't like it here at all but I like all the money I save by being, wait, what money? Okay, I like not having to get in debt to see him and only doing that every 6 months. I lived closer to his old prison for a while and I liked it over there a lot but no work for me.
You ever open up old wounds? I did that this week. I feel really bad about it. Now I am dealing with that when I could have been having fun having a crush on my husband. What a bonehead. You know that little voice that tells you, "This is probably not a good idea." Listen to it. ha ha. I didn't and I am feeling like a jerk.

Thanks for all of the really great advice. You are all right. Rich isn't replaceable, so that leaves me one option. I actually am going back to school, but classes dont start until the end of August. For once, I can't wait to go to school.

I checked on the internet last night and saw that he was finally transferred out of Reception to his new location. They took a new picture of him, and man, what a way to make his family worry. He looked pale, skinny, and like he hadn't taken a shower in weeks. I hope this new place isn't going to be as bad. I try not to worry, but it's hard sometimes. You hear so many bad things about prison from tv and such, it's hard to know what to expect. Plus, Rich'll never tell me if he's being treated badly. He has an issue with honesty. Most of the time I can read him like a book and call him on his "stories". But I'm afraid I'll never know what this experience was like for him. Part of me isn't sure that I want to know.

On a much happier note, Congratulations Toni. Sounds like a lot of fun. I think it would be very interesting to see everything that is involved in the "behind the scenes" of tv shows. Second Chances, I don't think I've heard of it. What's it about?

Katie, life inside is not like they say on tv... but it's similar. It's rough and there is a lot of "politics" that go into prison life. My husband kept to himself on his bunk, nose buried in a book. He said that people leave you alone if they see that you are just trying to do your time and leave everyone alone. But things really depend upon the place he's at. And how he acts.
My husband allowed himself to get "punked-off" a few times to come home sooner.
Meaning that he let a guy or to disrespect him...and not fight him for it.

Toni, I've heard you mention Second Chances before...Is it on a network station...our local?


BOBBY IS DEFIANTLY OFF PAROLE ON THE 16TH!!!
HE CALLED THE NEW P.O. AND SHE CONFIRMED HIS RELEASE DATE.
Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
Sorry just happy over here. I'll still check up on the web site every once in a while, but I'm very anxious to put this 2 year experience behind us.

I'm not leaving yet though...
Have a great weekend, have good visits,
I have grown to love all of us regulars...
Kimmy

hey sounds like yall are all ok just thought i would see what yall are up to, kim that is real good news i am so happy for you i no that will be a lot of stress off of yall, katie when my husband went to prison i was so worried i still am the first letter i wrote him i asked him if it was like the movie oz he said no that its nothing like oz. and that helps me to no its not that bad i we are very lucky he is at a very good unit they have him in a med unit so most of the people in their are older, so it should be a lot easer to stay clean but we will see, i will talk to yall later take care,,,,,misty o hi toni i will e-mail you later i have to go logan is crying see ya

Hi, well it's 2:00 am and Iwill get to see my husabnd tomorrow! I can have it all! :) I ended up talking to the producer about the whole prison thing, my husband's waiting for 20 years for DNA evidience to perhaps clear his name and the book I wrote and all, so naturally I am all wired up and can't sleep when I need to. Ha. The show is actually "Second Chance" and it is on the learning channel in October I think. It is about people getting a second change to take care of a relationship issue. Like, mine would be finding your lost love rotting in prison and still not being able to live without him and marry him. Ha. This one is a lot lighter, no incarceration. Hee hee. I love working on things like this. While working news nearly killed me. I am too soft for it and feel the folks pain, the victims, the person who did the crime, the families and the other stuff is all personal to me. Doing light things like this, and films makes me really happy. I am so glad you are doing better and are going to school. Don't stop living. That is the important thing. I have got to go to bed or I will get really sick tomorrow. take care!

hey toni, my husband sent me a letter telling me that gov rick is cutting tcdj bill buy 1.2 billion $ as of sept 1st do you thank it will help them make their parole.he said that will have to release 30,000 inmates do to the cut. it sure would be nice if are husbands made it i will be praying for all of you, yall take care ,,,misty

Yea Kim! I'm happy for you! I can't even imagine that stage of my life any more. I just pray for it you know? Second Chance is on the learning channel TLC. I made it. I had to hike up a mountain in 107 degree heat and was worried I would die or something. You know, they would never hire me again if I died! :) But I made it and I am beat today. I went to the doctor and had to have some biopies and might have to have some, not so much needed anymore stuff removed. It was a surprize to me. I rather had flowers or a cake, instead of a biopsy but hey, it's all good right? Who ever invented that saying needs a punch in the nose! :) It's not all good. I am quite sure of that. My husband fought his way through the first 8 years of prison and went through riots and everything. He always says that "In prison you can fight, ____, or climb up a tree and their ain't no tree's in prison." He is in maximum security units and in the 1980's in Texas it was hard core. Now he is very mellow and friendly and spends his time quietly most of the time because his unit is very laid back. Mostly older inmates. It all depends on a lot of things huh? When he went in he looked like Brad Pitt and was only 19. He had to fight or he would have been harmed and then he fought because he just liked it. It was something he was good at. Until we got married he had mellowed out a ton and still fought at least 2 fights a week according to the captian. In the past almost 8 years that we have been married he hasn't fought once. I am open to the possibility which I have to be. I don't want him to risk his life to be kind. He can be Ghandi when he comes home. But I need him to be safe in there. take care,
toni

Hi everyone,
Hope you all had a good weekend! If I had cable I might be able to catch the show Toni but I don't. I figure I have other things I should be doing rather than watching TV. I would rather be outside anyway playing in the yard. Well, my husband is expecting his 1/2 way house papers any day now. There are 15 guys in the drug treatment class and 6 have already received them. They say he will get his soon, but the doubt is always there when were talking about the prison system. I am revising his resume for him, not to put the last 5 years on there but just to update it from the last time. :-) I have started to nest at the house lately. Been cleaning and organizing the piles of stuff that I know what it is but he wouldn't. I have begun to pack a bag for him to take to the 1/2 way house. We are down to 111 days now. I realize I may be premature with what I am doing but it helps make it seem real to me. I am actually starting to get nervous. Now that seems crazy to me! My husband is getting nervous also. I am afraid I am going to be hard to get along with in the beginning. I have been the provider, Mom, and Dad, the bill payer, money spender, etc. for 5 years now and have it down to a science. I am worried that I will over react over stupid stuff, like things being moved around or misplaced by him. Does that sound crazy to ya'll. I have become so damn organized in the last 5 years it is unbelievable. I think I started it just to pass the time when he left. Now I am anal about everything. I realized it more this past weekend when away with my friends. They looked at me funny when I had to unpack at the hotel room, and had to make sure everything was in it's place and all. Ya know with out anyone around to tell you to chill you just go overboard with things and don't even realize it. Oh well, time will tell. I will keep you guys posted. My prayers are with all of you!

Janine, It's ok. Breathe. It's okay to start stressing now. It will be a very big transition. There is hope though that through the transition life will normalize. It took a year for us, but it's all better now. We still fight, but it's the same stuff we've always fought over...the little stupid things. The half-way house will help ease him back into reality, making the transition a little more tolerable. Take advantge of the visiting times... if he gats them there. When Bobby was in Work Furlough he was able to get the privlige of Home passes. He was able to come home on his days off from work. He came back into town around 3/13/02. You may want to look at my posts from then, I was posting a lot during that time.
Gotta go, a massive bank problem just came up... they need my help to look for a transaction.

who do you no if they will have to go to a halfway house, or if they will just come home is their a # you can call to find out. well talk to yall later misty

Misty, He needs to ask his couselor, I do believe they all have one. It is a special program that MAY exist in certain areas. I do believe it has a waiting list and there is a list of qualifications for it. The best way to know the specifics though is for him to ask in there.

Gotta go, kim

Howdy!
Kim, when I first found this site I read from the beginning so I know you have knowledge of what I am feeling lately. I write hoping you may offer some suggestions for me since you have just lived this part. You would be glad to know I am breathing now. Hehehehe I had to laugh when I read your post. I wonder, if it took you guys a 1 year to get back to 'normal' and your man was gone for what, less than 2 years right? My husband has been gone for almost 5. Oh well, time will tell I guess. I will be able to visit nightly to have dinner with him at the 1/2 way house. After he has a 40 hour a week job he will be able to start home visits. Starting with Sundays for church and then progressively until he is home permanently after a month or two from what I hear.
Misty,
My husband knew from years ago that he might be able to a 1/2 way house program. As long as they have been a model prisoner and got into no trouble and I have been paying his fines on time he would be aloud to go. I think there is something that state somewhere that there has to be room though. I guess that would be obvious, huh? Not sure what happens if there is no room. It wouldn't be worth anything to send him to another city because he can't find work in another city and then come home at night or weekends. Hopefully I won't have to find out. The 1/2 way house is still considered part of their sentence and he will still be under their juristriction for that 6 months. He will have to give the 1/2 way house 1/4 of his pay, give them 10% of his pay for a savings plan they fix up for you so you are able to go out and find a place to live at the end of the 6 months if neccessary. In my mind the 1/2 way house is close enough for me to be excited though. The thought of lying next to my man again, being safe, is almost not real.
Well, it's Thursday again. WOW the time seems to be flying for me. I have been praying for time to go quickly right now and then to slow down some when he gets here. I have been so busy it's unreal. Well, ya'll have a great day and I will check in later!

bye

Janine, when bobby was in there they took I think it was 15% of his pay and the rest went into an account for him. He had to ask to use it, but when he got out he had $2100. It was awesome. I'm very glad time is flying for you.

Yeah he was only in for 1 year. and 1 year probation. But we had only been married 1 year before he left, and I grew up sooo much these last 2 years. I think it's the growing that hurt us so much. I used to look at him as like an older wiser person, now it's not the same. The pedistal I put him on is gone, he's smart but not wiser.

Janine,will they tell him when he comes up for parole if he has to go into a halfway house. i hope he dont have to i just want him to come home.5yr man thats a long time its only been 9mos for me and its killing me, the hardest part is not knowing when he will be home, well thanks for your help and good luck,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,misty

Hi, Misty. The best thing to do is get him to ask but if you can't wait to find out call the local parole office and ask when the first time he will come up for review is going to happen. Make sure you are writing the parole board and telling them he has a place to come and a family waiting and also ask them about the half-way house. It wouldn't take but a minute. If you want the number for your local office you can get it from the website, or 411 or e-mail me. I just had a weird experience. I never contacted the Federal Prisoners locator but I got an e-mail saying that I did. I put in one of my pen pals names, not every having paid much attention to if he was Federal or not and just based on his name it gave me all his vitals. Then I put in childhood friends I had lost contact with and guess what? One of them was in a Federal Prison in California. Unreal. If I could only find my biological father that quick I would have a life time of wondering put to rest. Ha.
I am going in for some tests tomorrow. Gulp. Take care,
toni

Hi, again. I just wanted to let everyone know that I will be putting the prisoners of love newsletter archive on a converstation thread instead of a new web page because it is a lot more economical. Hopefully, I can get some advertizers on the e-zine so it will end up being free for everyone. Right now, the back issues are free and if you know someone who gets it then they can copy it for free. I am working hard to make it work. I'm not real smart at this so bear with me. Anyway, last months is there. It will be better this month and hopefully every month it will be that much better. If you want to add to it, I can use some smart ladies like you to help me.

hi everyone ,I finley got to go see my husband it was so nice. he got to hold logan for the first time it was so sad!!! i was so nerves i did not even want to kiss him i dont no what was wrong with me its because i have not got to touch him in 9mos.but i hade fun i just dont like the 8hr drive. but now that i am home i cant wait to go back.well yall take care and talk to yall later.

Hi, Misty! I'm glad you had fun and got home save and Daddy got to hold his baby! I know what you mean about the kissing thing. The first time I kissed my husband we had a lady guard right up in our face with us. It was weird. I don't usually kiss in public any good kissing anyway, and then to have someone watching within arms length it was way hard. But you get used to it. You have to huh? Sigh. Someday it will all be behind you. One time another prisoner said to my husband, "I saw you kissing on visit. Is that your wife?" Johnny said, "No, that's my sister, we're very close." Ha ha. Unfortunately the poor man believed him and started to share some things of his own of a simular nature and Johnny had to cut him off before the guy said something he might not want to.

Great news Misty! So happy for you to get to see your man. When I first went to see my husband in that place I wondered how everyone looked so calm and so happy. I was just a blubbering mess and couldn't believe this was happening to me and our family. Sounds like you handled it pretty well. Good for you. I now am one of the ones that looks calm and happy, rest assured. 8 hours away, that is quite a hall. Whenmy husband was 5 hours away we only went once every 3 - 4 months, mostly for financial reasons.

Hope everyone has a great Monday!!

Janine

Hi, everybody! I just wanted to wish everyone a good weekend. I have been taking a beating this last week, car in the shop, checks going wild, people not paying me on time. you know the drill. I have some good things on the horizon though. I worked on the newsletter most of the week. Remember you can get last months copy on on of the discussion threads. I am trying for a fellowship so I can write a book on coming home from prison. You know me, always trying something. Somehow things have got to be better. This country is too great to keep people down once they have gotten down. Booker Washington, (I hope I remembered his name right) said, "You can't keep a man down without staying down with him." and I think that is so. Well, take care, and hope all is well.
Toni

hey, whats up so where is everyone, well their is not much gowing on hear, just trying to get my 6yr old to do school work, so hows thangs with you toni its been awhile hope thangs are good well i need to go i will talk to yall later take care misty

Hi, Misty! It is good to hear from you! I miss having a kid to send off to school. Hee! I have been working on the articles of incorporation to get the folks the help them need. It has taken me years to get my head in the right place. It didn't make any sense to me for the longest time. I just finally finished and I did it all in one night. Go figure! Anyway, that and the newsletter have been my big concern. Oh, and I am having surgery next Wednesday and I am a huge chicken because I am drug sensitive and so I get afraid I will take the "Big sleep" instead of a little one. :) I finally got paid for things I needed to get paid for and I am glad about that. Johnny is doing good. He loves his job at the prison and so he is feeling good about life even in prison and shoot, I know a lot of folks that don't feel good about life in a mansion! Okay, I don't know them personally, but you know what I mean. :) My daughter came to visit and just left so I was happy about that too.
Take care and keep strong.

Hello everyone!
Been so busy here at work lately. They keep laying off people and don't hire anyone. Ya know what that means. All is well here, nothing much to tell. Only 95 days left till we pick up my husband. Lots of drama going on with the biomom, as usual, but I won't bore you with all the details. I believe my life is actually on an upswing finally. Kinda scary. I pray it is not short lived! Well, I don't have much to say but my prayers are with all of you. I will check back in a few days.

Janine

Ladies, we're pulling out our hair over here. He is supposed to be off parole on the 16th. We haven't received his discharge papers, and he's going bonkers. We have heard that it may take up to a month for it to show up. I really want life to be "safe" again. And I want my sword back!!!

God Bless all of you and your men.

My girl expires soon!
I am a man waiting for my girlfriend to get out! Many years ago we parted, she went to prison soon after, we got back in touch a year ago by a mutual friend. Wow all the crap of our past is over! We are now both drug free, and guess what, we are the same people!
We are going to get married, I am faithful to her even though I could be "cheating" on her, how could I look in her eyes on the glorius day in the future if I did otherwise?
What was one lost is now reforged, what was once precious now has no meaning, what was once just sex is now love...
Life is good.

Good for you both Joey! I tried to write you back but it didn't go through. Misty, Kim, Janine, I sure hope all is well with you. I know the parole unsafe feelings stink. It's only trading one set of worries for another sometimes, huh?
I have been working my butt off trying to get every duck in a row before I go into surgery. I got the non-profit paperwork sent off for, "The Elevation Project" and I am excited about that. It took me almost 8 years to get my head in a place I could do it without stopping and I think it is going to do some cool stuff including helping me answer all the prisoner mail. Then I have been working on the proposal for the parole success book and documentary and hope that comes together. Johnny is fine. It was a glass visit this weekend. It figures that we wouldn't get to touch when I was scared about going to the hospital and stuff. He wasn't in a good mood before I told him about the sugery and was kind of emotional when I left. I don't like that. He's a good man and I don't like to be more stress for him. But, part of loving is pain. The pain of separation, the pain of growing as a couple, the pain of the highs and lows of life. The good news was one of our friends came and stayed with us for a visit to her loved one and gave me change to buy Johnny a lot of snacks and that was a nice treat for him and for me. I like to give him things when I can. It eased some of the worry for us being apart when we would naturally be together.
I am with Johnny every second of every day anyway. My last thoughts are of him and my first waking thought too so I won't be without him. The chaplin might allow a phone call but I wont' hold my breath. Our girls are quibbling about who is showing up when and so is my mom. I like being alone when I am ill but I like knowing someone cares too, but I need some help this time. I hope everyone is doing super. I miss everyone. Take care!
Toni

TONI,hi i hope you are get to feeling better, what kind of surgery do you have to have ? well everything is the same hear i get to go see marcus next sunday!!!!!!! but thats about all hear i cant wait for his parole in nov prople are telling me not to get my hopes up but i cant help it well you take care. and good luck with surgery my parys are with you ,,your friend misty

Hi everyone.

My name is Lisa and not really sure of who i am anymore. The love of my life was locked up on May 13th 2003. I didn't even get to say good-bye. We have a 2 year old son who is one of the only things that keep me going. My fiance doesn't get out until March 17th 2004. I will have no one to spend any of the holidays with this year and that in it self is gonna be the hardest part. Everyone keeps telling me that 6 more months that he has left is no time at all. They don't seem to understand the fact that it is an eternity for us. I try to think positive but find it to be very hard to do. I know it could be worse but it is bad enough. I don't really have anyone to relate with about this and i found this site and thought i would give it a try. I live in Minneapolis, Minnesota and in search of other wives/girlfriends of incarcerated men to exchange letters, phone calls, and to just get some peace of mind and maybe some tips on how to make this easier. If any of you are from Minnsota as well, maybe you might have some resources/support groups or some thing to help me and my son out. Please feel free to E-mail me at: amguerre2002@yahoo.com if you have any ideas or if you want to talk on the phone or write letters.
Thank-You so much in advance.
Lisa

Lisa, It is very tough. But it will be better when he comes home. To pass the time, take a course at the community college, or pick up a hobby for the time being... the main thing is to get your mind occupied for a bit. Write him everyday, write him as if he were still there and you were just telling him about your day. I goota go now, but Try to keep your head up.
Kim

Dearest Kim,

Thank you so much for your advice. It is very helpful. I appreciate that you responded to my cry for help. I just sometimes wish i had good friends to support me through this. I have surely found out who my friends are while going through this. I have NONE!! They were always willing to go out to the bar and have fun with us but now that i don't go out anymore they don't even bother with me cause i am to lame now. They all still go out not even thinking abnout me or my son or Billy. That is kind of hard to deal with too. I'm hanging in there the best i can but it is very challenging. I am taking anti-depressants just to take the edge off. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like without those. Anyways, thanks again for your support. Take care!!
Sincerely,
Lisa

Hi all, it's Lisa from Minnesota again. Just wanted to make a correction/change. Please send your E-mails to me at BiLLysGirL33@yahoo.com Thank you.

Hi guys!
Well, another month almost has gone by. Funny how I am wishing my life away these days. I just can't wait to pick my husband up and to get our lives back together. I have prayed for the time to start passing quickly, and go figure it is. God is so good to us. I also pray it will slow down some when he gets here, not likely.
Joey,
Welcome to the group! So happy for you that your girl is coming home soon. When are you expecting her arrival? Maybe we can be excited together. :-)
Lisa,
I would like to welcome you also. I know time seems like an eternity right now for you but you will be a stonger person for going through this and your relationship will be stronger too! Our prayers are with you. Kim is right, stay busy and the time will go by faster and you will have less time to dwell on it.

Gota go now,
Have a great day everyone!

Janine

hi yall this is misty i have been up set today because one of the da gave my husband 10 yrs probation and then waxahchie gave him 8yrs tdc and i called the da to see if the 8yrs will take care of the probation he has, he has never got to pay on it because he has been locked up every sence he got the probation, so the da said marcus will do his prison time and when he goes to get out they will bench him back to court and send him back to prison i dont see how they can do that all of his charges were at the same time so they should have to run them cc.i dont no it just dont sound right he was so rude to me, i did not say anything to him because i was worried he could stick it to marcus and we dont need any more trouble so what do yall thank? i need yalls help i am makeing myself sick. well if yall have any info please share yall take care ,,,,misty

Hey everyone,

It's Lisa again. I have some good news for once. I just found out today that my hunnie was put on a waiting list to go to Lino Lakes from Moose Lake. That is awesome cause the phone calls will be only 34 cents for 15 minutes instead of $6.00 for 15 minutes. I just wish i could visit him. He has been gone since May 13th and doesn't come home until March 17th of 2004. It is gonna be so strange to be able to look at him after so long much less be able to touch him. I just look so damn forward to that day. We do talk on the phone everyday but he has to call my Step-Mom's house cause my phone has a stupid block. Her phone bill from July 20th to August 26th was $555.00. He called here 107 times in that one month lol. That's horrible. She doesn't care though. She says she has the money and feels it is very important for Billy to have contact with us on the outside so he knows that he has people out here supporting him. I still feel so alone though. I wish i had at least a couple of friends to hang out with or talk to that had men in prison. I jsut hang out over here at my Step-Mom's house alot to pass my time so i'm not just sitting at home dwelling. I guess it helps a little. I hope everything is going alright for all of you. I was gonna give an idea that i do for my man. I get a blank peice of paper, a calendar, some markers, a ruler, and a pen and make him creative home made calendars with little special meesages on some of the dates to remind him he is being thought of. It's fun to do. I also send him alot of greeting cards of I love you's and Thinking of you. He LOVES those!!! My Mom sends him jokes off the internet too. He says those cheer him up as well. The really funny ones, he will write in a letter to me and they kind of make me chuckle too. Just some ideas that have helped me cope a little better. I hope you all the best of wishes. Hang in there!!!!

Sincerely,
Lisa

5 years ago i met Tim Storey trough correspondence because i am from Holland.

I alway's have been against the death penalty and i started writing to deathrow inmates.

Then I met Tim and I fel in love not knowing if he felt the same about me.
But he did and just ast may second we got married at the prison.

We have been married four months ,to this day and i miss him specially today.

After we got married and i flew back home again with my two kids he called once to tell me that he will be moved up to a different housing unit and he hasn't called me since.

Now his letter stopped comming and I know for a fact that he is writing to me.
He is also complaining about the fact that he doesn't receive mail from me but i have been writing him once or even twice a day.

So to me that's a litle strange.....

I love him very much and i am experiancing a lot of hostility towards the fact that i've married a deathrow inmate.
But You know what!!! I don't care what they think.
I am, for the first time is my life happy with the choices i made in life.

I am his and he is mine and there is no one who is gonna stop me from fighting for his life.

He is indeed innocent on deathrow and just last month i contacted John McHale who was the producer of the movie made about Joe Amrine unreasonable doubt, who was convicted and sentenced to die on Missouri deathrow.

Just last July Joe was released and is back with his family after 17 years on deathrow.

I contacted this John McHale and asked him if he could help me and low and behold i got an email back and he asked me to get him all the facts and so on to be able to look in to his case.

So i went to work and together with my foster daughter Anne we went over his case inch by inch and found out nothing adds up.

We even found a forensic pathologist, here in my home town who was willing to give the coroners report a good look over and HE confirmed one thing i said all along.
This woman that he should have killed was killed by a left handed man and he had to be real big.
My Tim is right handed.

Anyway we send all that information back to John McHale and he is willing to help.
and maybe he will do a fil about Tim.

I was so glad that after 4 years of writing and pleading and begging even to Barry Scheck ( who didn't even repond I guess i am not rich enough)
and I finally found someone who is willing to help me.

I just wanted to share this information with you all.

You can check out my website at :

www.geocities.vladd77/CASE_WALTER_STOREY.html


if you want to send Tim a card please let me know and i will send you his address.

storeyteller63@hotmail.com

thanks and god bless
namaste
Gea Storey

HELLO! I too am waiting on my husband to come home. They gave him a out date of July 23 04. Right now i am so stressed and miss him so much. I often wondered if there was anyone else somewhere that felt the way I do. the only good thing is I do get to visit him every week with him being in the same city as myself. Its when i have to leave that drives me crazy. We don't talk on the phone unless someone is kind enough to make a call for him because we cannot afford or should I say I cannot. I just would like to say I wish all of you the best. This is the hardest thing I have evr done. God Bless!

Hi,Misty, My friend who deals with legal stuff said for me to tell you to call the attorney that plead him out for the 10 years probation and the attorney who got him the 8 years and get them to resolve it. That's the folks that represented him on this, not the DA, The DA is not your friend.
He will probably do 4 years on the sentence.
Take care, your recovering from abdominal surgery buddy.
Toni

toni what will he do 4yrs on the 8yrs tdc hehas now or the 10yrs probation or all together the lawyer wants 1200 dollers to bench him back and take care of this mess, i dont no well take care i am glad you are dowing better i was getting worried about you ,,,your friend misty

Hi MzTH,
My name is Lisa and i can totally relate. I'm sorry you have to go through this misery too. It sucks more than anything. Just feel lucky that you get to visit your man cause i don't even get to visit mine. That really sucks. I know the lonliness is horrible. I have spent many nights pacing my floor crying for hours. I really miss him to death. Plus we have a 2yr old boy that i have to parent by myself which doesn't make things any easier. My mom has to take our son to go and visit him. He went into prison May 13th 2003 and won't get out until March 17th 2004. It doesn't seem that long but when you are going throught it, it feels like an eternity. I would like to talk with you more if you want. please feel free to E-mail me at: billysgirl33@yahoo.com. I live in Minnesota, what state do you live in? Hope to hear from you soon. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Sincerely, Lisa

hi yall, how is everyone well i am dowing ok they have my husband at the walls unit does anyone no anything about that place he will be their for 30 more days then he will go back to ramsey 3 thank god its got a lot of older men in their and its a unit fo sick people i hade to call the walls unit today and talk to them because marcus sent me a letter telling me that his sugar droped real low and he could not fill his hands or his feet and he told the gards and the gards told him they could not do anything for him. thank god a inmate gave him some candy to bring up his sugar. they said they cant do anything because they dont no what gard it was. i told them he better not die in their they told me that they dont want that i told them that i was keeping all of the letters that he writes telling me how they do him over his med, that makes me so mad is their someone else i can call he should not have to be sick all of the time that s crazy,,well i better get some sleep yall take care..hi kim ,toni, janine how are yall i have not heard for anyone and no one has posted a letter maybe the worm got yalls computer hope not see ya your friend ,,,misty

Hi Misty,

My name is Lisa. I would really like to talk with you. My husband was aslo convicted in Ramsey. Ramsey,MN right? I will ask my hubby what the "walls unit" means and see if he knows. Unfortantley he has been in the system for many years, so he might know. Well, i guess if i don't hear from you, i hope everything works out for you. Oh yeah, call your husbands case worker or the warden of where he is to get some results on his sickness and meds. I hope that will work. Well, if you want to talk further my E-mail is: Billysgirl33@yahoo.com. Take care!!
Lisa

Hello everyone!!!
Sorry I haven't posted for a while, been extremely busy here at work. Toni, how did your operation go? I checked back a few times over the last couple of weeks but didn't see that you posted at all until Sunday. Are you feeling okay?
Misty, I can't believe how they treat the sick in prison, it is just awful. My uncle who had a liver transplant got into some trouble a while back and was in jail for a few months and it was like pulling teeth to give him his medication. If he doesn't take his pill EVERY day he dies, that simple. He is home now and doing well though. My prayers are with you and your man.
Well, it is only 74 more days until we pick up my husband. It seems to be going slower and slower now. I dream of holding him that day when we pick him up. I am sure it will be extremely emotional to say the least. My mind wonders to what things will be like to have him back in the home after 5 long years. We are very excited, obviously.
I don't have much else to say. If I don't check back before the weekend, you guys have a great one.

Janine

Doesn't anyone want to talk to me? lol I feel so alone here. I keep writing, and no one resonds to me. Am I saying something wrong? Ok, ok, I'll quit whining, sorry!!

HI ALL AGAIN,

I NEED TO FIND OUT IF THERE ARE ANY OTHER WOMEN OR MEN IN HERE THAT HAVE A HUSBAND OR WIFE INCARCERATED IN MINNESOTA. I NEED SOME RESOURCES PLEASE. MY HUNNIE IS INCARCERATED IN MOOSE LAKE FACILITY IN MOOSE LAKE MINNESOTA. OUR SON AND I ARE ON THE URGE OF LOSING OUR PLACE TO LIVE. I AM HAVING A HELL OF A TIME TRYING TO FIND WORK. IT SEEMS I CAN'T MAKE ENDS MEET ANYMORE. MY HUNNIE WENT IN ON MAY 13TH 2003 AND WON'T BE HOME UNTIL MARCH 17TH 2004. THAT MAY NOT SEEM LONG TO ALOT OF YOU BUT IT IS VERY LONG FOR US. I HOPE THAT THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT HAS SOME IDEAS, PROGRAMS, RESOURCES, SUPPORT GROUPS, OR ANYTHING TO HELP US OUT. I BEG YOU PLEASE. MY HUSBAND SIT'S IN THERE COMPLETELY HELPLESS AND WORRIES TO DEATH ABOUT HIS SON AND I. I'M RUNNING OUT OF OPTIONS. MY FRIENDS OF COURSE WENT WALKING RIGHT OUT THE DOOR IT SEEMS RIGHT WHEN I NEED THEM THE MOST. I HAVE ALWAYS HELPED MY FRIENDS OUT NO MATTER WHAT WHEN THEY NEEDED ME AND WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY NOW? PLEASE, I HOPE TO HEAR FROM SOMEONE REAL SOON. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!! I ALSO PUT MY HEART OUT TO ALL THE REST OF YOU AS WELL. GOOD LUCK WITH ALL OF YOUR SITSUATIONS TOO!! I GUESS THE BEST THING I CAN SAY ANYMORE IS, TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME, BE THERE FOR YOUR MEN/WOMEN, AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES AND YOUR CHILDREN!! I LOOK FORWARD TO TALKING WITH ANY OF YOU. BYE FOR NOW! billysgirl33@yahoo.com

Hi, Lisa. I tried to write you direct a while ago but my computer got the sobig virus and shut everything down for a while and then I went into surgery and have been drugged up quite a bit. If you go to the links page on the website and scroll down a bit you will see something, now keep in mind I am under the influence, something called, The family corrections network. Hit that link. Then go to the directory. It should be on the right side of the page somewhere. It has a directory of services by state. Click on Minnisota and there should be some help for you there. If not come back here and I will keep searching for you. Also, and this is very important, someone wrote me about childrens help from California, this site also offers written materials to help children cope. I forgot because of the darn pain situation going on in this body of mine. I am sorry. Then, lets see, oh, the good news is the non-profit that will fund this site and help families of the incarcerated now exists. It is called "The Elevation Project" and now I can apply for grants and tax deductable donations to help our causes. Of course I have to heal up a bit more first. Please know I think of all of you all of the time and I am jelouse of Kim and Janine for getting their men back. I know they are a bunch of work but it is a welcomed event in any case. :) I am excited and have a year and a half until our next parole chance. Misty, If the neglect gets to a point you can't handle it. let me know and I have a friend I can put in their lives to help okay? well, I am getting worn out. Take care,
Toni

HI TONI,

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP. I APPRECIATE IT MORE THEN YOU WOULD EVER KNOW. I'M SO SORRY THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH HARD MEDICAL PROBLEMS ON TOP OF YOUR HUBBY BEING GONE. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU. I'M NOT REALLY RELIGIOUS BUT I HAVE FOUND THAT GOING THROUGH THIS, THAT IS THE ONLY THING LEFT. I WAS WONDERING A LITTLE MORE ABOUT "THE ELEVATION PROJECT". WHAT IS IT? WHERE WOULD I FIND IT? I WOULD LOVE TO TALK WITH YOU MORE. YOU SEEM SO STRONG. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO E-MAIL ME AT ANY TIME. billysgirl33@yahoo.com I LOOK FORWARD TO CHATTING WITH YOU MORE. SOON I HOPE. I HOPE YOU RECOVER AND GET WELL SOON!! THANKS AGAIN FOR THE ADVICE, AND RESOURCES. SINCERELY, LISA

HE'S OFF PAROLE NOW! And he's been picking up my scared vibs. No restrictions now, and though I trust him... addiction is a life long thing. How do I know that ten years from now he won't relapse again. 5yrs, 2yrs, you never know. I'm scared.
I know I shouldn't be, but it doesn't stop the feelings of it. I'm scared that if we have a big fight, he'll go get drunk and that'll lead to somthing stupid.
opps got caught on here
bye

lisa,,, hi this is misty sorry it took me so long to write you. but my phone has been off so i could not ues the computer(that sucked) well my husband unit is ramsey 3 its hear in tx now they have moved him to limestone on a bench then he has to go back to the walls unit or the byrd for 30 days then back to his unit and we will be done with all of this moving around thank god it sure was nice to see him he still looks good, they took a picture of us it makes me very sad to look at it i have a 7yr old and a baby boy 3mos i no how hard it is i lost are apt and are new car even are cat and are dogs (get that) now i live with my mom she helps alot i am getting my ged and i am starting computer classes so that will help keep my mind off prison so much shit i even have dreams about marcus in prison, dec makes it 1yr i am not sure how long he will have to do on 8yrs the good thang is its his first time in their and he has not got a charge in their yet !!!!!!!!!!!! he comes up for parole in nov but people say they dont make the first ones but i just no he will i try to send 1 letter a week to the parole board, well i better go you take care and hang in their. you can e-mail if you need to talk ,,,hi toni how are you ?

Hi, Misty! I'm okay. I've been shuttling back and forth to Dallas trying to find a palace where I can recover. Home wasn't working out and so I was driven to my daughers but I felt like I was in the way of her life, not her, but just the folks around. I am not used to being taken care of and so it is hard for me to just watch other folks work and not be able to help so I get myself hurt trying or drive myself bonkers not trying. I am getting better. I should be good to go in about 3 more weeks. Financially, not having Johnny to back me up, I am in a tail spin. But I am not gonna let it get to me too much. If I lose everything, there is always the adventure of starting over. I just wish that I could buy a little time to get my health up and then take off again better than before. I'm sure it will all happen. I have been getting a lot of e-mails from people off of the website but not too many postings. I hope everyone out there is doing okay. I am behind on the newsletter this month and about everything else. Keep strong everyone. take care!

Hi everyone,
Not a whole lot going on over here. My husband is meeting with his counselor today, I can't wait to hear what happens.... I think. We believe they are going to give him his half way house papers and confirm the release date. I will let you know tomorrow. Everyone doing okay? I have to go, very busy here at work. My prayers are with all of you.

Hello Janine, Toni, and all... I hope he gets the house Janine. Toni, how are you doing? We're doing good over here. Work really sucks, but I think that is mostly in my head. I've never been at a job past 1 1/2 yrs, and I'm approuching that mark. I just need to learn to chill. And to deal with the fact that bosses are supposed to be mean and suck, right?
Kim

Hi, I haven't posted here in a while. My husband had managed to stay out of prison for the last year and a half. He went thru a treatment program, graduated, stayed clean... He's been home with me since Feb (prior to that, he was live in at the drug treatment program). Anway, things were going well till I caught him about to cheat on me - it got as far as he and her exchanged cell phone numbers - I heard the very sexy message she left, and next thing you know, I freaked out, confronted him and he ended up grabbing me, kicking me and choking me. Well, I reported it to the police - that had to happen. That was in July. He went on a 2 week run, but has been home since. We've been doing what we've needed to do - completely reconsiled, started seeing a therapist together, we both attend 12-step meetings and we now attend church together. Unfortunitely, the DA filed a felony assualt charge in August and warrents were issued. We hired a lawyer who got the warrents recalled, and set a court date for Tuesday. They remanded my husband - we really weren't expecting that. We went today for a bail review (it's $25,000) and probation (he just got off parole in January) wouldn't release their hold and the judge wouldn't o.r. him. I started to cry in the court room. I don't know how long they're going to keep him from coming home, getting back to work, and getting back to getting the help he needs. He spent 11 of the last 20 years in prison and what I think happened when he attacked me, was that he reverted to some old behavior. ANyway, I'm really sad and scared. I really don't want to have to go thru this again!

Hi Kim and everyone. I'm okay. I just don't know how to rest and finally they had to spell it out for me because I wasn't getting better. Now that I know how little I am supposed to do I don't know how I am going to get doing nothing done because well, you know how it is with nobody having your back financially, utiltites being turned off and on and off again, nobody to mow the freaking yard, nobody to just pick up the slack. I sure wish they had furlows here like Johnny said they had in the old days. He could have come home to care for me and gone back later. Oh, sorry was I dreaming again? Wake up! So, I am trying to accept that I am going to live in a snaggle toothed pig pen with no money until I recover and that is hard medicine for me to take. Grrr. I applied for a fellowship to write another book. Maybe it will save my bacon. I am a dark horse in the race for sure but I did my best, that's before they told me I couldn't sit up at the computer for hours at a time for another 2 weeks. I miss everyone.
B.Dymond. I am so sorry for your troubles. Domestic violence is one of the top reasons men go back to jail or prison. You did the right thing when you called the police. I know that you may doubt that now being faced with this possible time, but if you hadn't perhaps you wouldn't have gone to counseling and church and still ended up a victim of more attempts at cheating and possible violence. I love my husband with my soul but I have been the victim of domestic violence with my first spouse many years ago and I graduated to survivor and I wouldn't let myself go back to victim again even if it meant calling the police on my husband and going back to this weekly routeen of 6 days 22 hours of solitude and 2 hours of blissful visit for the rest of our lives. I hope it all works out for you. I want so much for it to be good for you. You are in my prayers. My heart is with both of you.

Hi, is everyone okay? Things are pretty quite here. I was going to have a young lady live with me while she kicked a drug addiction and I was looking forward to having the company and giving her a chance to get away from the immidiate situation but the parole folks said the judge wouldn't let her come up here from San Antonio. I hope she does okay. I will pray for her and I also told parole I would be a mentor if she would like me to be one, long distance. Other than that, nothing is going on. Missing Johnny, looking forward to that 1 1/2 years passing quickly so maybe he can come home. Oh, last months newsletter is posted on the community board in case anyone wants to see it.
Take care, I'm thinking about all of you. I hope all is okay for everyone.

hi yall this is misty i am in a bad mood because they moved my husband to beto unit, i wonder if its just for the 30 days you no after a bench you have to go back threw that 30 days of hell till you get sent back to you unit i am so sick of them moving him i get so mad and theirs nothing i can do about it, and toni i am with you i want this year to fly by so marcus can come home this shit gets old you no being alone its been almost 1yr and i still cant get use to sleeping alone i just keep telling myself that it wont be much longer i hope i am right well i better go to bed good nite yall and good luck we all need that ,,, misty

Misty, Beto 1 is a tough unit. It's a prison that mostly has a young population. I think you should request him to be transfered to a unit closer to you. Then ask him to write an I-60 and request a transfer to the same unit. They really don't care about you or him so the request has to take into consideration the betterment of prison and the betterment of society. Then if you know any political types ask them to help also. If you have a health problem or anything that matters. TIFA might beable to help you. I don't know. The link to them is on the our web page on the links page.
Normally they don't move a person that much unless they have a situation, either within the prison system, or if someone is your husband's family has been making a lot of stink sometimes they do that just to get even. It is a system but it is only as good as the human beings running the system. They might want him down there to be closer to medical but usually they send them to another unit when health is a problem. You can contact the Ombudsman for TDCJ and ask them why they keep moving him.
I wish, if they don't send him home to your area they would send him up here, then you could stay with me while you visit. :) This is a pretty mellow unit. My husband was a young man on Beto 1 and faught all the time. You will get through this. I know it is hard. Being a non-single, single mom with two young ones sucks. The good thing is you have someone who loves you that you can at least have an emotional support from.
I am having some troubles financially that have me pretty worried and I am trying to hang on until Johnny comes home so we don't have to start from ground zero when he comes home. Last year I had a great job, upwardly mobile and everything and they didn't let him come home. This year, so far, I am on disablity, the kids are gone, I can't get someone to mow the yard for double the going rate, and I'm struggling to open this re-entry program and write a book and you know what? I still don't know if they will let him out. I have 18 months to make myself a financially viable household and I am not sure how I am going to do all that. Life is a rollercoaster Misty. More good and bad can come into your life than you could ever possibly imagine. Look at how you would be portrayed in a my movie script. It will make you feel better. Actually, write your life as a fairy tale with a happy ending. I did that for the girls and Johnny and I 7 years ago and it solidified our family. I didn't share it with anyone but our family so it is a special secret. We had a lot of tragedy in our lives so it was a pretty epic tale. :) We are still standing. You and me and all the other ladies and men waiting. Know that! Take care! Your husband has to be the authority on his life in there. You have to put your full faith in him always making the right decision and go to bed each night, pray to God to take care of him and cover him in a protective blanket and then trust your husband to protect himself for all of you. It is scary but that is all we can do.
Toni

toni hi how are you today, i called beto unit and asked them if that was his new unit and they told me that he is waiting to pull chain but they dont no when like always they dont no anything, if i lived closer to you i would help you mow your yard you are so nice to help people threw all of this,and i hope your husband gets to come home real soon,i thank you are a very brave person. you take care of yourself talk to you latter misty

Hello is midnight and I just finish some of my homework I'm going to college and maybe in about a year I'll get my degreeI just feel so down sometimes I just feel like I'm going to go crazy my boyfriend has been gone for eight months nowand he's been sentenced to do eight years with 80 or 85% I don't really know how that works. I miss him so much we have two girls a six year old and a seven month old I feel so depressed I try not to think about it but sometimes I just can't hang anymore I had to move in with my parents and even though I thank God for giving me the parent I have I feel so bad. My boyfriend is just waiting for the chain I'm so scared I don't know how prison is but I'm scared something might happen to him. I pray to God everyday and ask him to protect him but believe me this last eight months have bee the worst of my life. I don't even know if I'm going to have a chance to see him when he goes to prison since my immigration papers are on process and I don't have an ID or social I just pray for a miracle. I hate to hear people asking me if I'm going to wait for him? I guess noone really knows how this feels not unless they have been through this themselves. but I know there's a God and that he can do anything I'm hoping for a miracle but meanwhile I'll keep praying to God.

I feel for you! Yes, there is a God and there are miracles and you just have to be open to them. There are questions I can not stand.

Why are you waiting for him? Is it control? Are you afraid of a real realtionship? How do you deal without sex? What is he in there for and how long does he have? I get asked those questions about 50 times a year. It hurts. The other day we were in the visiting room. My husband is now serving his 21st year. Some bonehead guy in white (an inmate) yells to my husband as we were saying goodbye. "Brock? Brock?" Johnny turns around. The guy says, "Hey, I'm back!" the guy had been in before and was smiling that he was back in prison. A beautiful young woman sitting across the table from him." Then he says in a loud voice, "Damn! I thought for sure he would have gone home. He's been in here forever! He's still in here!" and I don't know if it had any impact on Johnny but it did on me. It is very hard to do this much time. To wake up every morning and go through our day trying to make a positive difference in our lives and the lives of others when people constantly remind us of what we don't have. As I walked out of the visiting area and to my car it was the most painful departure in some time. Then I thought about how clueless the guy is to be happy he is back in prison and making his family and friends do the long drive to the prison, sit on the hard benches, get ripped off by vending machines and miss him every day.

8 years is a long time. I have been married to my husband 8 of the 21 years I have been doing this time with him. Our 8th anniversary is this month. However, it is a growth time, a time when you do appreciate and expect and claim miracles daily. It is a time when your children get to learn that God didn't make any stick figures, that there is good in everyone and bad in everyone. My children are glad they had the experiences due to prison because they say it made them smarter and made them think beyond what society brainwashes us to believe. I know it is sad. It is a grieving process. I ask that you attend a Kairos Outside meeting for me. I believe it will help you and as a mom you need it. You can contact them yourself or the chaplin at the prison can hook you up. It will give you a weekend of relaxation with other women in your shoes from your area. That is a start. I am here and the other ladies are here. keep strong. You are not alone. It only feels that way. Get your boyfriend to sign your kids up for angel tree right this minute. Tell him to. It is important the kids will get presents in his name.
take care,
Toni

Hey, where is everybody? How are you? Misty are you doing okay? Kim do you have time to read something I wrote on parole? I hope you are doing okay. I wrote Johnny about the guy in visitation and he said that the guy didn't bother him. He said that it was his fault because he was so sure he was going home that he was telling everyone he was going and so the guy was surprized to see him. I guess I am just sensitive because it is my life too.
On a lighter note! I got the scholarship to go to the centerforce summit in California with my daughter who pushes for prisoner rights with me. However, miss, phones disconnected, how are we gonna pay the mortgage, aka me, doesn't have the money for the trip so I am selling books as fast as I can, trading information on grant writing, like I'm an expert or something, and anything to raise the money. My friend is gonna try to sell some in Houston for me. Tomorrow I go to the doctor to see if I am healed okay. I still hurt and all but I feel much better than I did over the past 6 weeks. Some of the things I did trip me out. Like I showed up for Jury duty the day I got out of the hospital. I told them I couldn't do it, like the hobbling and bunny slippers weren't a dead give away. Ahhh painkillers. I have been working on the parole re-entry program here in Amarillo. It is a lot of work. I get stressed out. But if I succeed maybe the crime rate will drop and a bunch of folks won't go back to prison and wow, that would be too cool. I guess I am doing for others what I hope someday will be done for my husband. We can hope and pray huh?
I miss you guys. I hope all is well.
Take care,
Toni

Hi Toni thanks for writing back! My name is Nielly You know it feels good to know that there is people outhere that are willing to listen without even knowing eachother. I'm just sad my boyfriend cought the chain today so he's gone I just have a weird feeling I feel scared I just want to cry and scream out loud that this is just not fair!! but I know I have to face reality now I have to take care of my girls, pray to God to take care of him this eight years he's going to be away and be strong I just don't knoe How I'm going to do this. Well take care talk to you soon.

Hi, Neilly! Well, I'm sorry your boyfriend is doing this particular life lesson and you and your kids are doing it with you. I am in this with you. I still wake up, like this morning and feel sad he isn't with me. The kids are grown so I feel like the house is just too big for one person, and way to much work for me. It is hard seeing us both age apart and remembering the 9 year old he used to be playing on the beach with me. And like you Neilly, I feel scared. Sometimes I have all sorts of imaginings about what is going on. I feel like you, terrified and helpless but then as he has reminded me so long, he has been doing this for 21 years and he can't say it makes him safe but it does give him an edge just like he worries insanely about me and puts all his faith in my having the skills that it takes to make it through. Just please get your kids signed up for presents through the Angel tree program so they have a good holiday season and find some support for yourself or invent a support group in your area, continue your education so you can make a better life for your kids and make sure you do something, don't sit at home feeling sad. I have found, I have the ability to feel sad in any location. :) Go to the movies, go to street fairs, go to plays, just go and take the kids and make sure you take a ton of pictures, I mean a total ton and send it to your boyfriend every single chance you get! Keep postcards handy and addressed, make a little baggie of paper, stamped addressed envelopes and the like with his name on it so you can carry it with you and write him whenever you are waiting in line, at the doctors and the like. Do something cermonial, like light a candle by his picture, something for the kids to remember he is a part of their lives. Bascially, do this time one day at a time, one situation at a time, one moment at a time but live your day to day life with a determined fullness because if you don't you will feel more cheated and your kids will see you not thriving and stop thriving too. Ya know? Okay, can you tell I'm lonely today? I write such long messages. Oh, well, take care! Take a bubble bath and have an herb tea! We are all here for you! Be prepared. Men are gonna start asking you out. Think about what you are gonna do now so it doesn't mess with you.

Okay, what are you guys gonna do for your loved ones for the holidays? Should we start s thread on what do do for folks during incarceration? Ideas and stuff?
I am doing something kind of fun for our anniversary and I am interested in what others think. I am gonna start another converstaion to see your ideas for presents okay?

Hi all,
I'm back - back from court again today to try to get the judge to O.R. my husband. No such luck! The D.A. is a b___. If you read my previous entry here, you will know this is a domestic violence case, and I am the victim. I love my husband and since he choked me in July, we have reconsiled and are doing everything we need ot be doing (I think) to address the violence, etc - which, by the way he learned to be violent by spending the last 11 of 20 years behind bars, much of which was time spent in prison! Well, his mom had a hand in teaching him this stuff initially...

Oh, I tell the judge the I am in therapy and Al-Anon and Women's Crisis Support to learn better boundary setting and how to take care of myself better, and the D.A. says "what I hear is the victim blaming herself for this incident" Arrrgh!

We also had 7 people in the courtoom today for support - from NA, our main support group... We had 5 letters to the judge from other people - our counsilor, my husbands previous boss, his program house manager, etc. I thought we had all the chance in the world of them letting him out until sentencing. but, nope - he's still locked up. damn, I'm really angry!

Sentencing is Nov. 20th and all we can do now is pray they don't send him back to prison! DA and probation are both recommending prison! This is rediculous! He is really growing and changing and it would be horrible to send him back there!

I'm glad you guys are here so I could vent some of this stuff.

Love,

Barb

hi toni i have a new job so its hard to get time to get on the computer but i am dowing better i just miss my husband like crazy you no, i am getting worried his parole date is in nov dame i hope he makes i will be heart broken,,, well you take care of your self i will talk to you later your friend misty,,,,,,,and for all of the ladys out their STAY STRONG

Hi Guys, I got caught on here and am being watched like a hawk. WORK SUCKS!!! My brain is not made for being a bank teller. I'm Hyper, and scattered, the pressure is getting to me. Life is ok, HI TONI! If I was even romotely close to where you live I'd mow the lawn. Bobby is still beating himself up mentally, a friend thinks maybe some herbs may help. METH really screws up your body chemistry. He rarely gets to be happy. His pleasure center is almost completely deteriorated, His humor is really on the off side. It amuses him to start things with people. To come off with the witty remark that people don't realize is a put down. He feels like a failure almost all the time, I married one sad little boy. He does get really happy when he is able to make me happy.
Did I tell you guys that we are going to Disneyland at the end of the month? It'll be our 4 year anniversary.

Gotta go ladies, I'll try to get back here soon.

Take me to Disney land kim! It can be my anniverary too! Actually, Oct 31 is my anniversary, well, one of them, It took so much hoop jumping for us to get married that we have 3 anniversaries, our spiritual, our actual and our legal. Ha. This one coming up is the one that means the most, our Spiritual. I am going to be in California, Millberry? Up by S.F. on the 20-23rd going to a summit. Hey, if your husband would like he could write something on a parole obsticle he is dealing with and I will publish it in the next book. It might help him to be able to relate or something. No pressure. I have heard that acupuncture does some great stuff for drug related problems. I know the state of Florida was using it a while back. I'm not sure if they are now. Massage would help because what happens is that all of us push our bodies until we forget to listen to them. Drugs do the same thing, they numb us to what our bodies feel and what good feels as opposed to bad. It would take a lot of full-body theraputic massage but it might help. I took my massage class with a few formerly addcited women and they said it helped. Nothing is a cure all but help is help.
Take care,
Toni

Hi all,
My husband is a meth addict also. He had almost a year clean and now he has almost 90 days clean again. At almost a year clean he 'acted out' in violence. This is definitely one of the last effects of meth addiction from what I've learned. He is really finding out this time that the only way he is going to be happy is by following a spiritual path. This is what is working for him.
Barb

Hi everyone!
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Work is keeping me very busy, today is a holiday so it is slower so I was catching up on posts.
Neilly,
My husband was sentenced to 9 years in the federal system. He also was told he would have to do 85%. Through a lot of letters and fighting on the outside here he has been reduced and will have served 5 years. Keep praying, it DOES work. And like Toni said, stay busy. We are into our last year but it has been tough, I can't lie to you. We are both stronger people for what we have gone through and have learned what is important in life. Don't let this experience destroy you, learn from it and help others. My prayers are with you.
Kim,
Disney Land - Too cool. I took my son to Disney World last summer and we were able to spend 4 days in the park. Had a blast. Have you been to Disney Land before?
Toni,
Hope your feeling better! God will provide for you, I am sure you know. Such great support you give all of us. You are much appreciated.

Well, they release my husband in 41 days to me to take him to the half way house. I got word yesterday that he has a job waiting for him. Full benefits, retirement, paid holidays, 2 weeks paid vacation the 1st year. What more could we ask for. God is so good. What a load off of my back knowing he will have work right away. This will also insure his home visits starting right away. He will be considered still a inmate until 6 months have past. He will start home visits on weekends with 48 hour passes, after 2 weeks of working 40 hours. What a journey this has been. I think of all of you often and keep you in my prayers. I will keep you posted on the progress, as you will all go through it also. Kim's entries have been very informative while she was going through the adjustment period.

Take Care,

Janine

Hi, Janine! I am so glad to hear from you. I was wondering about you. I thought he was home already. Wishful thinking on my part. Thanks for the ideas on what to send. My anniversary thing is weird. I have done weird stuff before but this had me giddy. I am going to ( don't tell if you have his address) go to the cadillac ranch and spray paint I love Johnny on a car and get me photographed doing it. (it's okay to do that) then go to a freedom wall where taggin is allowed and do the same thing, then take photos of buffalos, water towers, flag poles and all and my daughters friend is going to photoshop I love Johnny on all that and more with me in the foreground so it looks like I just finished. Then we are going to a tattoo shop and getting the biggest fake tattoo sprayed on my back that says, I love Johnny. He will have a cow, not knowing they make fake tattoos like that. Hee hee. I have a little story to go with it. Last year I was having a horrible time so I didn't do much. This time I feel more excited about everything.
Yes, I have been to disney land. I grew up in California and so we had gradnight there when I graduated Highschool, and I went almost every summer. I love it. Pirates of the Carribian ( spelled how?) is my favorite ride and I love to eat at the resturant located in the ride.
I have never been to Disney World but would love to go sometime.
So far the money hasn't come for the trip. The books I sent to a friend to sell at a religous fare didn't get there in time so that was just a waste of 35.00. I also found a dog that was hit by a car and had a badly broken leg so now I have another bill out of nowhere. I believe people are gonna help with that. Need a dog?
Anyway, I am writing the book on parole and trying to keep things going. I have about 1/3rd of the money for the trip so far. If I don't have the rest by Thursday I am pulling the plug on the trip. I am praying for it to work out. It usually does. Just this year, my nerves are a little more fried because of the operation. You know how it goes.
Take care,
Toni

HI EVERYBODY!!THIS IS MY FIRST TIME TO THIS SITE AND THE MORE I READ THE MORE I CRY IT'S NICE TO FEEL LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THROGH THIS HELL COMPLETELY ALONE.MY BOYFRIEND IS WAITING TO BE PROSECUTED ON THE FEDERAL LEVEL,HE'S ALREADY BEEN GONE OVER A YEAR. WE'RE FROM MICHIGAN BUT THEY CAUGHT HIM IN ILLINOIS AND I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN MONTHS I'M SO TIRED OF CRYING BUT WHEN I'M CONSTANTLY MISSING & THINKING ABOUT HIM I CAN'T HELP IT.I'M SCARED TO DEATH THAT THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO GIVE HIM AN OUTLANDISH SENTENCE..BUT AS LONG AS I HAVE BREATH IN MY BODY I'LL NEVER STOP PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE.I'M FEEL SO SCARED AND ALONE RIGHT NOW..WILL THIS GET EASIER AS MORE TIME PASSES OR AM I GONNA ALWAYS HAVE THIS EMPTY FEELING?I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH DEPRESSION FOR A WHILE NOW,I GRIND MY TEETH W/OUT EVEN REALIZING IT I CAN'T SLEEP I USUALLY HAVE TO TAKE SLEEPING PILLS BUT I STILL WORK FULL TIME AND HAVE 3 KIDS TO RAISE.WE WERE GONNA GET MARRIED, HE STILL WANTS TOO SO I'M SURE WE WILL AS SOON AS HE GETS TO WHERE HE'S GONNA BE, THAT'S ANOTHER THING, WITH HIM BEING IN THE FEDERAL SYSTEM THEY COULD PUT HIM ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY AND I'M SCARED THAT I WOULD NEVER HAVE THE MONEY TO GO SEE HIM..I SWEAR IT'S LIKE I'M LIVING WITH A BROKEN HEART...LORD PLEASE HURRY UP AND SEND HIM HOME TO ME AND OUR KIDS WHERE HE BELONGS

Toni,
You are a hoot! I think we would be good friends if we lived closer. I loved your ideas for presents to send your man. Tooooo funny. I guess I am not that creative. I am a very silly girl but I think you may have me beat! :-)